* Posts by Richard Scratcher

435 posts • joined 31 Aug 2007

Page:

Faking incontinence and other ways to scare off tech support scammers

Richard Scratcher
Paris Hilton

Sorry, my computer is in the other room... hang on...

"Hello, my name is James and I'm calling from Microsoft support. We have detected a virus on your computer."

"Oh, dear!"

"Don't worry Mr Smith, we can fix it for you today over the phone. Is your computer switched on at the moment?"

"It's in the other room, hang on a moment."

[Lay the phone down for a couple of minutes]

"Hello?"

"Hello. Is it switched on now?"

"No, I've had a look and it's not switched on at the moment. Would you like me to switch it on?"

"Yes Mr Smith, we need you to switch it on."

"OK, hang on a moment, I'll go and switch it on."

[Lay the phone down for a couple of minutes]

"Hello? I've switched it on now"

"Can't you take your phone to the computer?"

"No, it's in the other room, the wire won't reach."

"Oh... OK I need you to open the Windows Event Viewer.."

"OK hang on a moment.:"

[Lay the phone down for a couple of minutes]

"Sorry, did you say Windows Event Viewer?"

"Yes please, Windows Event Viewer."

"OK got it, Windows Advert Viewer. Hang on a moment.:"

[Lay the phone down for a couple of minutes]

"Hello? Are you still there"

"Yes, I'm still here mr Smith."

"Right, It's all gone blue."

"All gone blue?"

"Yes all blue, and there's some writing. It says... it says... Oh damn! Hang on I'll go and read it again."

[Lay the phone down for a couple of minutes]

(And so on)

14
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Boaty McBoatface sinks in South Atlantic on her maiden deployment

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Re: second favourite

F.A.B.

2
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Richard Scratcher
Coat

Thank Ulmo it resurfaced as planned.

Otherwise it would have meant a serious loss of face.

7
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Manchester pulls £750 public crucifixion offer

Richard Scratcher
Windows

750 quid!

It used to be 30 bob.

6
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Bloke whose drone was blasted out of sky by angry dad loses another court battle for compo

Richard Scratcher

Airspace

"A court case in 1946 established that homeowners can control up to 83 feet above their property..."

I thought 83 feet seemed an odd value to settle on, until it dawned on me that it's the same as 25.2984 metres.

35
1

Spammy Google Home spouts audio ads without warning – now throw yours in the trash

Richard Scratcher
Big Brother

"But it was alright, everything was alright, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved Google.”

― George Orwell, 1984

0
0

GCHQ dismisses Trump wiretap rumours as tosh

Richard Scratcher
Black Helicopters

A lot of data

Judge Andrew Napolitano of Fox "News" claims here that the NSA has digital copies of all calls made to, from and within the US since 2005 (and also that GreasyHQ has been gifted complete access to them).

Wow! How many olympic-sized swimming pools would that amount of data fill?

4
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Get a GRIP! Robolution ain't happening until TOUCH is cracked

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

It's not just touch

Robots will also have to learn about the moving and handling aspects of objects too, e.g. "you mustn't pick 'em up by their ears".

1
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Mars orbiter FLOORS IT to avoid hitting MOON

Richard Scratcher

Yeah, we've all been there.

Not orbiting Mars, but in the position where we had to put our foot down to avoid a collision.

2
0

Did your in-flight entertainment widget suck? It's Panasonic's fault, claims software biz

Richard Scratcher
Boffin

A common mistake

"If CoKinetic's claims are true, air passengers either get crippled third-party software for their in-flight entertainment, which sucks, or Panasonic-supplied software that has no competition, and thus faces little to no pressure to actually be any good, which sucks."

This is a common mistake when talking about pressurised aircraft. The correct term is "blows".

4
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Finally proof that Apple copies Samsung: iPhone 7 Plus halts, catches fire like a Galaxy Note 7

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

Fake news

An obvious and rather pathetic attempt by this "Brianna Olivas" (real name Samantha Sung) to cast doubt over the safety of Apple's products.

0
10

Pack your bags! NASA spots SEVEN nearby Earth-sized alien worlds

Richard Scratcher

Liquid water

Marvin: Could they have oceans?

NASA: Oh yes! Great, wide rolling blue oceans.

Marvin: Can't bear oceans.

6
0

Microsoft ups Surface slab prices for Brits. Darn weak pound, eh?

Richard Scratcher

Re: ...or go buy it in the USA

@AC

Or maybe they just don't like Mexican food.

3
0
Richard Scratcher
Windows

Re: ...or go buy it in the USA

That's if Trump will let you in. If, like me, you happen to be an Islamic Mexican terrorist, you've got no chance.

And even if you could get in, the 16% price hike will still be there in your currency exchange rate.

13
1

Naughty sysadmins use dark magic to fix PCs for clueless users

Richard Scratcher

Virus!

A senior manager once called me over to sort out a "virus" on his PC. Whatever he typed in his document immediately scrolled up and off the top the window. He was in a bit of a panic. There was an open ring binder folder on his desk and I slid it forward slightly, so that its corner was no longer pressing the space bar. "Should be okay now", I said.

I tried to joke about the "magic touch" but had to tell him in the end.

5
0

I'm deadly serious about megatunnels, vows Elon Musk

Richard Scratcher

"The Tesla and SpaceX CEO didn't explain where the tunnel would end up..."

Tijuana?

23
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Make America, wait, what again? US Army may need foreign weapons to keep up

Richard Scratcher
Trollface

Re: overstating

For a ground combat vehicle you could dig up the blueprints of some 70s Buicks, Cadillacs or Lincoln cars. Some of those were built like tanks.

1
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Congratulations – you're looking better than ever this morning!

Richard Scratcher
Alien

Full disc? Not quite!

I notice that the lower part of the image has been carefully cropped in order to hide the alien base in Antarctica.

7
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Euro space agency's Galileo satellites stricken by mystery clock failures

Richard Scratcher
Paris Hilton

Re: M.A.S.E.R/L.A.S.E.R pedantry

So can I have sharks with frickin' masers beams attached to their heads, or not?

2
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Flight 666 lands safely in HEL on Friday the 13th

Richard Scratcher

Not a bit of it!

The foreskin was added by the creator precisely so it could be cut off by the chosen people as an easy indication that they are one of the faithful. It serves no other purpose, which is why we don't see foreskins on animals. There is no equivalent removable label on the female body because women don't really count.

It's all in the book.

7
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Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death dead in latest Windows 10 preview

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Super Green

This could be really useful for somebody giving a Powerpoint presentation that is also being recorded for distribution. Should the system crash, the presenter could just carry on using his/her notes and then chroma-key the appropriate slides in afterwards.

2
0

Vinyl and streaming sales offset CD decline in UK music sales

Richard Scratcher
Windows

Too warm

Vinyl is crap and always has been. It just can’t replace the wonderfully scratchy, tinny sound of shellac played on a decent wind-up gramophone, fitted with a medium-tone steel needle.

Listening to Blind Lemon Jefferson on my VV 8-30, I feel like I’m right there in the same century. When I close my eyes, the audible perspective of mono is eerie. I could almost point to the chair he's sitting in.

Sure you can approximate the tonal qualities of shellac by listening to an LP with your head in a tin bucket but it’s just not the same and it makes it hard to drink your beer.

10
0

Meat pies in SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE!

Richard Scratcher

Downright dangerous

Somebody might have been killed by that falling pie. remember what happened to Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West).

"And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,

Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust."

15
0

Amazon's first live drone delivery flew last week in Cambridge, UK

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Early days

It's easy to scoff at Amazon's early attempts (especially if you've ordered popcorn) but this beta system isn't even v1* yet.

*Now there was an autonomous delivery system: fast, large payloads, long range, not very accurate but could deliver to urban areas.

9
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Plastic fiver: 28 years' work, saves acres of cotton... may have killed less than ONE cow*

Richard Scratcher

"...Killed less than ONE cow"

A fraction of a cow? I think that needs rounding up... and I don't mean in a cowboy sort of way.

1
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'Pavement power' - The bad idea that never seems to die

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Re: Still waiting - @Will Godfrey

Yeah... but think of the energy released by a stumbling pensioner. Then add to that the energy of passers by rushing to help... stretcher-bearing paramedics...

10
0

Married man arrives at A&E with wedding ring stuck on todger

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

Must have been a very small wedding ring...

...or am I missing something?

0
0

BT will HATE us for this one weird 5G trick

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Twelve twelves

"Having something which weighs twelve tonnes share road space with something which weighs a twelfth of a tonne is gross stupidity."

Ha! Like it.

2
0

Sudden explosion in reports of exploding phones

Richard Scratcher

Don't be so sentimental...

...things explode every day

3
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BBC detector vans are back to spy on your home Wi-Fi – if you can believe it

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Grab a granny

"This seems like a pretty ridiculous amount of effort to go to, surely just linking TV licenses to an iPlayer login would solve all of this nonsense? You pay, you get a login. You share the login and it's logged into more than x IPs simultaneously the account gets blocked."

I agree. This would be the best idea. Then I could visit some of my elderly relatives (people over 75 currently get a free TV licence) and cadge their licence details.

2
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Avoiding Liverpool was the aim: All aboard the world's ONLY moving aqueduct

Richard Scratcher

A wonderful piece of engineering.

Contrast that with the new road bridge that's under construction a little way up the ship canal. When finished it will take some pressure off the old swing bridge and allow cyclists and pedestrians (and trams), from the towns of Irlam and Cadishead, to get over the water to the "Shopping Cathedral".

The new bridge consists of four concrete pillars that lift up the road deck and allow boats to sail under it. Unfortunately it recently fell down and blocked the ship canal for several weeks. Luckily nobody was hurt in the accident.

3
0

Milk IN the teapot: Innovation or abomination?

Richard Scratcher

M.I.F

Tea contains polyphenols, which give it a bitter flavour that some people prefer. Milk binds to some of the polyphenols making the tea taste less bitter.

Pouring a small quantity of cold milk to a large volume of hot tea will "scald" the milk and denature it before it has time to bind with the polyphenols.

Pouring tea into a cup with milk in will slowly warm the milk and result in a less bitter drink.

So, putting milk in the teapot will give you all the disadvantages of milk with none of the benefits, which is why it's just not done old boy.

2
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Rejoice, fatties: Giving chocolate electric shocks makes it healthier

Richard Scratcher
Coat

"...polarises the cocoa molecules and causes them to clump into spheroids."

Meh.

Wonka was using this technique years ago with his Ampere-clumpers.

3
0

Earth's core is younger than its crust surface

Richard Scratcher
Paris Hilton

Duh! Not news to me.

This theory was proven years ago by Doug McClure when he encountered that subterranean world of stone-age people.

5
0

Airbus to build plane that's even uglier than the A380

Richard Scratcher

Inspirational Rescue

Paint it green with red engines, write a 2 on it and get a bloke called Virgil to fly it.

2
0

Flying Scotsman attacked by drone

Richard Scratcher

Police have a good description…

…of the man piloting the IP (drone).

He is believed to be in his mid-forties, greasy haired, with thick NHS spectacles. He had saliva stains down the front of his green knitted pullover and he was wearing an anorak.

1
3

Spanish cops discover illegally parked flying car

Richard Scratcher
Alien

Police force

I imagine a Daewoo Matiz is lighter than an X-Wing fighter.

Yoda should they seek.

5
0

Photographer hassled by Port of Tyne for filming a sign on a wall

Richard Scratcher
Black Helicopters

Divvan' dee nay evil, pet

Google got away scot free!

Street view

13
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Mañana: Nokia’s in no hurry to go back to phones

Richard Scratcher

Manaña

¿qué?

2
0

NASA charges up 18-prop electric X-plane

Richard Scratcher
Boffin

"Specially modified truck"

Seriously? There's no way that thing is going to get airborne, not with all those people in it.

21
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What the world needs now is Pi, sweet $5 Raspberry Pi Zero

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

Terrible pain...

"Bingo! You have your multi colored Xmas tree LED light controller."

Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you want me to control your multi-coloured xmas tree lights. Call that job satisfaction? 'Cos I don't.

24
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Doctor Who's The Zygon Invasion shape-shifts Clara and brings yet more hybrids

Richard Scratcher

Re: A big mistake...

He may have stolen it from me and took it back with him to 1975.

2
0
Richard Scratcher

A big mistake...

...to let these shifty shape-shifters take human form and hide among us.

Let Zygons be Zygons, that's what I say.

22
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Future civilisations won't know how the universe formed

Richard Scratcher

A piece of cake

"...since every piece of matter in the Universe is in someway affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation - every Galaxy, every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition, and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake."

- The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Universe

1
0
Richard Scratcher

Cobblers.

"We know all this because our own ball of rock formed early enough in universal history for us to gather "observational evidence for the big bang and cosmic evolution, encoded in light and other electromagnetic radiation".

Yes, our planet's inhabitants had to work it out from cosmic background radiation and doppler shifted spectra. But future life forms will simply tune into the TV signals we've been blasting out for decades and get all their info from the Open University broadcasts and suchlike. Bloody TV licence dodging alien bastards!

12
0

Elderly? Disabled? You clearly need a .38" Palm Pistol

Richard Scratcher

Ageing "Gangsta" rappers

Does it come in gold and can it be fired sideways?

6
0

After Burner: Sega’s jet-fighting, puke-inducing arcade marvel

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

I remember playing this game when I was young...

...I'd racked up a really big score but then my friend came up and told me there was some cop scoping for me so I had to terminate the game. Then this big guy walked in wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses... and then it all kicked off.

1
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Ten years on: Ronnie Barker, Pismonouncers Unanimous founder, remembered

Richard Scratcher

Barker was a "comet guiness", which are worms I don't use orphan.

12
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BAN the ROBOT WHORES, says robot whore expert: 'These AREN'T BARBIES'

Richard Scratcher

The Bible forbids IT...

...unless you're stoned.

Leviticus 18:22

"Thou shalt not lie with robotkind, as with womankind: it is aballmernotion."

6
0

BAD things happen to GOOD robots in America: hitchBot DECAPITATED

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sighted scrap pile.

Did it have an annoying auto-tune voice like that xxxking xxxx of a xxxking robot from the confused.xxxing.com adverts? If so I’d have cheerfully joined in giving it a good kicking.

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