* Posts by Celeste Reinard

29 posts • joined 6 Mar 2018

CES flicks the off switch on massager award… and causes a buzz

Celeste Reinard

Going metaballistic

"A particularly optimistic buyer asked if she could send her boyfriend over on a moped to collect a wardrobe."

Now there's an idea that gave me a good buzz. ... You have a moped to go with the wardrobe? I send my boyfriend over to come and collect. I believe you live in a different country from me?

Lush scrubs its card-processing servers squeaky clean

Celeste Reinard

Mummies Basement

Having my TITSUP*, I did my homework... and read all listed above. And I wonder why you wonder why you are still living with your mum, in the basement no less. ... 'Beware of the man who doesn't care about money' is one coined frase, since 'Beware of the man who doesn't care about soap' goes without saying...

Guys... you wonder why there are so few women around here? Or there usually is a screen between you and their delight? Tut tut tut...

~ ~ ~

*Total Inability To Stand Unwashed P... No, that would be unkind... you poor devils, living with your mum and all... You do know it's a myth one could die from taking a bath. (I checked on snopes.com) Right?

Nikola Tesla's greatest challenge: He could measure electricity but not stupidity

Celeste Reinard

Menslaugter

As an environment conscious person I just cycle - and only had one attack on my life today by a car piloted by somebody getting instructions from his gran through his smartphone. Maybe they can program cars with a female sense of humor - not to target women - only just men? For starters? ... Or, and here is an idea, outlaw pedestrianism. Or at least tax it heavily.

I think the mentioning of country & western singers is gratuituosly rethorical; who would ever miss them?

Country road, here I go... >Carmageddon ensuies<

A basement of broken kit, zero budget – now get the team running

Celeste Reinard

You are always too early, she yelled...

Belgium, 2011, Friday afternoon, 13:00, midwinter. Telephone: Can you start there and there at 17:00? Till 21:00?, the temp office person asks. Sure, I say. ... The adress was 10km from my place, and there was more than 10 cm snow on the road. Yes we can... So I arrive early, 16:45, no one there but the last of the daystaff - no problem, I start anyway. At 17:25 the person that was supposed to tell me my job finally arrives (shopping, very important). Weekend passes, monday comes, 15 cm of snow, I start at 16:55. At 20:15 there is nothing more to do, I confer with my collegue, sure, go home. Tuesday: Telephone, the temp office: There have been complaints about you starting early... I arrive at the place of work, there is a person that looks as pretty as Iggy Pop - the female version. I start at 17:00, and she starts accusing me of ALWAYS starting early, and leaving early as well. And it was this, and that, and such and such, and you cannot say that. I defend myself by stating that the first time I was about 10 minutes early while the other person was 25 minutes late (YOU CANNOT SAY THAT!) and the next time I was 5 minutes early... which is rather neat being on time, having to start at 17:00, also in regard to the weather and such.... AND YOU MUST NOT START AT 17:00!!! ... Right. Since I had figured out after 5 minutes with the aggravated Iggi Pop-crocodile (lovely skin texture, large mouth, she would make a nice hand bag - with shoes to match), whatever I did was wrong, I told her to go look for somebody else, and Celeste had left the building at 17:05. ... Next day, the temp office calls, there have been complaints... I explain, and the temp office person responds with: What??? They cannot do that...

UKIP doubled price of condoms for sale at party conference

Celeste Reinard

Heads up

One small cock of a man, one giant cock-up for Britain

Russian volcanoes fingered for Earth's largest mass extinction

Celeste Reinard

The Human Explosion

A friend of mine is writing since ages on this work of his, 'Pearls of Doom', which is about an earth that is lived upon by 200 billion people - having completly 'machined out' the planet. Based on the asumption of there still being a lot of planet that is still in its original, unmined shape: everything 10 kilometers below our feet. ... Only, what's the point being a being that due to random pressures will change - even in a 'machined out' world. Where machines are an integral part of the ecology to keep the planet going - a removal would certainly evoke a crisis. ... (for the biblical note: Jezus would probably have given a total blank on what was just said, given his somewhat rural upbringing, so let's leave that poor man alone with his troubles wih his rather violent father that ends up liki... killing his son... His life is already s***ty enough.)

Devon County Council techies: WE KNOW IT WASN'T YOU!

Celeste Reinard

Making wild and passionate love...

'Those bad at teaching become the managers...'

I received such a letter recently, it just made my day, with 3 spacing errors, 2 on spelling, added bad grammar, and questionable phrasing - since I am always looking for a candidate for the yearly award I like to dole out, since I had the translation of 'Not in our genes' in my hands, with about 800 spelling errors oveer 300 pages, wrecked phrasing, etc., etc., the total in need of more than 2000 corrections. Done by a certified translator, Marleen Mortelmans - whose name, when misspelled, ends up being 'Martelmens', meaning 'a woman that tortures'. When I asked miss(es) Mortelmans, still active as a translator, for help with some phrases I really couldn't get the meaning off since she might have the original text, she wrote me back that I surely could figure it out myself, having the (english) text with me. ... Right. What was I thinking. To the electronic document I added 2 pages that goes with the 'Omelet' (the name of the award) about the found errors, in 7 categories and 2 subcategories, about how she had 'made wild passionate love' with the translation. At this moment I am at work with 'Wittgenteins Vienna' by Stephen Toulmin (4 times Sören Kierkegaard, once a correct Søren, but we are used to that, poor Søren), and at 10% of the text I found already 90 spacing errors, and 7 typing misers. But since it is 'Boom Publishing', well known for phisolophical texts, no surprises there: they always 'make wid passionate love' when they are 'on the job'.

Celeste Reinard

You will be amazed at what OCR can do, having seen what I have seen the past ten years, besides misreading. Not only dropping text, but adding text that is not there on the page or the entire book as well. ... That being one of the reasons why I think, excuse me, know we are doomed when Artificial Idiocy will take over the planet.

Boss helped sysadmin take down horrible client with swift kick to the nether regions

Celeste Reinard

Simon has left the building...

... having fondled his boss's equipment for such a wonderful time ... and after a kick in the X, and the window closed... the lights dim... There is an expectant thrush in the audience... as we wait for the entry of Miss Rebecca... And here she comes now! The audience bursts into spontaneous applause! (Bravo miss Rebecca, bravo, bravo!) She's seated now... and almost ready to begin.

(Lead me in with a count of 17, miss Reinard, then wave your baton...)

AI bots suck at marking written essays, not too shabby at old Atari games, and more...

Celeste Reinard

Artificial Idiocy

'By those standards El Reg articles would probably score a big fat 0.'

But as long as there are humans around, you will always be loved.

Start with a joke: As I have the tendency to digitise books from the 70's, one about medieval philosphy in an alternative spelling as fashionable at the time in Holland, I had to reread every vowel and consonant to transpose it properly to current spelling, after a few rounds of machine aided correction. Yet, I found a beautifull screw-up, when I stumbled across the word 'incest'... Wondering what the machine meant, I looked back at the source, where it was perfectly legible 'meest' (most). (I am afraid we're doomed...)

Do contradict me when I am mistaken, on the point of AI itself. As I understand, intelligence is dependend on the function of the creature - swap the intelligence of a cow with that of a tiger, and milking becomes a dangerous job. And vice versa, your kitten has become a vegatarian. Since this is the development of millions of years of small iterations on top of that... there are probblems to foresee, one is that of the response the AI has to give; it will be mostly to machines. As far as I can see, AI will never be 'human'; nor capable af catering to human needs, the most likely thing that will happen is that robots start 'herding' people, as far as they are not doing it yet: there are entire industries, with millions of people dedicated to this artificial 'entity', or 'parasite', as I prefer to call it. ... Enabling the current volume of humanity, by the use of incredible power, more or less directly from the sun, to grow a big as it is. ... Is AI not becoming a layer on top of our civilisation, as a 'parasite', a kind of creature that by definition changes the behavior of the 'host', to its own, blind end?

End with a 'deep' thought: what if we would define the start of the antropocene with the invention of the first transistor in 1947, and call it, I don't know, Machene?

Security guard cost bank millions by hitting emergency Off button

Celeste Reinard

Front door 242

It's about ten minutes ago (this is virtual live reporting) since I can enter the premises, after I locked myself out, leaving the keys inside. With this being the first piece of reporting I see on the internet. A cock-up that set me back a nice €242,-, which I could not directly afford. (There is still poverty on this planet, how strange it might seem to all you billionaires.) So the professional burglar had a TITSUP (Total Inability To Show Uninhibited Politeness), telling me that I could know when I engaged services like his, one would have to pay? Non! Vraiment? How could I have missed that after months of careful planning of closing the door with the keys on the onside. O wait, no, I frigged up, and thanks to people like me he has a living.

In a few months time, 2 at the most, I get an inheritance, and I need to get rid of at least €5.000 before the end of the year, for insurance reasons. Any El Reg reader (or El Reg itself) coming up with a good cause to give €242,- to to counter dickishness is welcome to make a suggestion (if that's okee with El Reg-moderators...). Equal rights is a suggestion... Thanks, enjoy your weekend, and keep track of your keys, folks!

Automated payment machines do NOT work the same all over the world – as I found out

Celeste Reinard

Merdeux Sans Frontières

Meanwhile, a few steps across the border of Italy... Nice; I have happened to live there for a bit, with an account chez La Poste, and it worked. Only not so well with the ATM's. On a sunny day, one had to insert only twice before he recognised the busisness card as being the good one, on other, but grimier sunny days one could go up to inserting 19 times. ... That was 15 ears ago, I wonder if they have fixed the problem...

Drug cops stopped techie's upgrade to question him for hours. About everything

Celeste Reinard

Re: perks of the job

They did not inhale.

(They burried their already ashen faces even deeper into the shame that confronted them.)

Celeste Reinard

Onboard Boxcutters / Trespassing Borders

Two weeks after I had passed a few airports and at least 4 scanners to check for stuff that can be of use in the act of sloppy plane parking, I felt like soiling myself, finding just that in my lugage (No, it's not mine, I have no idea how that got there, honestly): boxcutters - That's one example of non-intervention...

Example number two of gross negligence involves passing a border (let's say, Germany and France) with the inside of the car slightly foggier than the outside, and there are people with suits, at the border, selecting our car ... >gulp< they were (fortunately) only hazmat-suits, so after disinfection with some spray (or mindcontrol, I can't tell, I was a bit off at the moment, and it was dark...), we could continue our drive...

Tech rookie put decimal point in wrong place, cost insurer zillions

Celeste Reinard

One Beeeelion dollars

As a temp I worked one time, at the turn of the century, for the company that has a suspension bridge in its logo, and got proper training from a person that also had a major in micromanagement... So one day he came over to tell me how to do what I was already doing, by giving the example. ... I had just entered the barcode of a ram-card, when he intervened, and showed me how to do stuff. By scanning the barcode of the machine it came from (the M4500). ... Next day, I got my curious foreman, looking about for a pallet of ram-cards. 4.5 meeelion of them, to be exact. So I ask what he is looking for. Well, 4.5 meeellion ram-cards.... We go back to the point of origin, and he, presto, what is there in the field for number of ram-cards received? M4.5... I guess he machine understood that as 4.5 meeelion... Where my micromagaging instructor should have added a 1, before going to the next object in line. ... Years later I found out what these cards actually did cost, and calculated that whas a total of One Beelion dollars... I wiped out with a few strokes, correcting the micromanager. About a tenth of the value of the company at that time. ~ ~ ~ ... Maybe I should become a banker... ~ ~ ~

Trainee techie ran away and hid after screwing up a job, literally

Celeste Reinard

O lord, some screw-up...

I have worked as a sun screen fitter for a few months, together with a team of window frame fitters. At the end of our gig, me and my mate noticed one day there was a leak... The window fitters had pierced the water system, not just a bit: over six floors, along the lenght of the building (say, 560 meters in total).

What had happened was this: the window fitters used the prescribed screws, nothing wrong there, but there was an up-date in the plans, the overseeer had missed as 'critical'... something to be found out when testing the watertightness of the plumming... (after the fitting of the insulation and all, so that had to go too).

BOFH: Is everybody ready for the meeting? Grab a crayon – let's get technical

Celeste Reinard

Re: Are PDAs still alive?

Those are personAL disorganisers, 'personnel' refers to 'staff'... willingly I suggest Simon S. refers to 'androids' here... ... And was the 'disorganiser' not an invention by Pratchett?

Celeste Reinard

Re: Technical, English and Idiot.

O, I always thought that Plain Dutch was 'Jip en Janneketaal', laced with 'Bootwerker' (which roughly translates as 'Harlot'), while ABN was bankers lingo, hiding their incompetence (or general state of confusion, hence the empty stares when you ask something in 'Jip en Janneke') behind multisylabic 'Idiot', but I get your point.

How a tax form kludge gifted the world 25 joyous years of PDF

Celeste Reinard

Re: Format of choice for immediate offline reading, easy sharing or simple portability

What I am smoking is whatever there is on the carpet... when it comes to reading I started with a Palm TX, until some miscreant in Leuven stole it from me on an epic pub crawl (Hi there, I hope Satan will eat your soul with a spoon), necessitating me to anything ese but .pdb, and passed the different formats, such as ePub, which I suspect being created by Satan, DjVu (idem, but then His adjunct), and finally conversed to pdf, giving me the ability to create not only booklike renditions, but also enabled me to make the text easier to the eye, one of the best arguments (and one I haven't seen above) to use pdf. Since reading almost everthing from a screen, that is one issue: how to continue on difficult texts (or simple, dependend on your education) for hours on end. ... And these days one can carry it even into bed, since the tubular bach-breaking papaerweight is a thing of a by tiimes hilarious past, and ENJOY a bit of good printing, instead of having to deal with eye-scourching ugliness from things like ePub (eating your soul away). Aesthetics go a long way, and when it comes to reading, it can become essential for those of finer taste; it makes reading good reading.

Don’t talk to the ATM, young man, it’s just a machine and there’s nobody inside

Celeste Reinard

No time to waste

FUBAR went just from zero to one in zero seconds flat in my top ten favorite expressions list to be abused at any occasion possible ... starting this saterday morning 20 years ago.

No lie-in this morning? Thank the Moon's gravitational pull

Celeste Reinard

One more thing...

1: Now I wonder what the numbers would be if the earth wouldn't be spherical but, say, donut shaped (one of my favorites), or for some of ... not us ... pizza shaped.

2: So if we build a time machine, it would take only a 747 and a flight time from the UK to Ausralia to get there... that would open up real possibilities for tourism. Anyone called Elon yet?

3: There is no mention in the bible of the moon being very big, 6000 years ago... Anyone in for a theological debate, or do we skip that one being too time consuming, and we might loose sight of the moon altogether before we reach a (any) conclusion?

(comments below...)

Boffins: Michael Jackson's tilt was a criminally smooth trick

Celeste Reinard

... lean forwards in a visually impossible manner...

Indeed, I totally can't see him leaning forward. Due to eyes facing backwards into my head. Something one has to imagine how it looks like.

BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?

Celeste Reinard

Le Maillon Faible

I always thought that a blockchain was the comment section of your average (or random, if you like) internet magazine, but my sister here in the henhouse Astrid Vixen (not her real name) tells me it's probably a typo, and it should spell cockchain - which, according to me, is maintained far to consistently to be a typo, but indeed way funnier.

Bloke fruit flies enjoy ejaculating, turn to booze when starved of sexy times

Celeste Reinard

When he comes...

When the master sings, does the missus gasp in awe and wonder as well, is what I wonder as well about, or just takes it in as one point ticked of the menu, and on to the next? (Or is it that the boffins still need to pick the lady's brain at a later point in time to see what she thinks about the rigmarole?)

No chance of flying too close to this: Icarus, the most distant star seen, is 9bn light years away

Celeste Reinard

It dates from a time when the universe was still a wild and exciting place, with a different set of morals... when it was still smaller and it didn't matter when you behaved like that, being so big. I gather this star will have fallen apart by now, and formed the basis of an entire galaxy. Can anyone go take a look and shoot some pictures?

Office junior had one job: Tearing perforated bits off tractor-feed dot matrix printer paper

Celeste Reinard

Re: "Has a foreign body caused you grief?"

So you remember me. And you know how I loved to 'b0rk' your things. Russian style. Maybe we should come back together again, and b0rk a few other things you are attached to. ... What does 'b0rk' mean?

Celeste Reinard

Re: "Has a foreign body caused you grief?"

Yes jake, I remember it too. Only I am still not Greek, nor Natasja. O, and btw, I am sure you might be looking for your car keys - they are swimming with the fishes. Inside the aquarium with that BMW-logo on both sides... And, always trying to show my good side, I left a surprise in the locker-thingy, how do you call it, the trunk? No, not Natasja - we are going to get married next week: it's what promisses to be your new laptop (the old one was dirty!).

Hansa down, this is cool: How Dutch cops snatched the wheel of dark web charabanc

Celeste Reinard

Re: Fake news

Since my corporeal body is hosted in the netherlands, I can tell you it is virtually fake.

I'll bee back: Boffin's bionic bug Band-Aid after real ones all die

Celeste Reinard

Re: Opens up a whole new approach to wasp control.

I guess it would stop the neighborhood coming back.... for a 100 years. Nevertheless, great idea. You're hired!

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