* Posts by The Oncoming Scorn

331 posts • joined 3 Feb 2018

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Boffins get fish drunk to prove what any bouncer already knows

The Oncoming Scorn
Joke

Two Drunken Fish In A Tank

One says to the other "Dyo doya no err knew hew ta driv thifish thung?".

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The Oncoming Scorn
Thumb Up

So Long & Thanks For All The

Drunken Fish.

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Boffins blame meteorites for creating Earth's oldest rocks

The Oncoming Scorn
Joke

Re: Pedant Alert

Two nuns in the bath, one says to the other "Wheres the soap?"

"Yes it does rather!"

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Prank 'Give me a raise!' email nearly lands sysadmin with dismissal

The Oncoming Scorn
Thumb Up

On a old Vax system sometimes in the 80's, lots of open terminals (Sales numbers put in when generating a invoice) I wasn't in IT then.

Someone sent a message across the system that the Big Boss could go fornicate with himself.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Devil

Quite Possibly On A Break .....

ing spree involving Manglement, HR, Marketing or Financial Directors bones in the usual methods:

falling down stairwells.

entering lifts that aren't there.

Gravity & the effects on heavy items, when they collide onto the above groups.

Percussive user adjustment with lump or sledgehammers.

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Phased out: IT architect plugs hole in clean-freak admin's wiring design

The Oncoming Scorn
FAIL

Bit Late - Anywayssss

A colleague & friend of mine back in the UK was in-between being a IT guy & general Mr Fixit (Cider presses, old TV's pretty much anything).

In the time that I worked with him he also qualified as a MOT inspector, he got approached by the architect who drew up his plans for his loft conversion to cast his eye over his design for a new garage & MOT test bay(s).

He found himself swiftly corrected on his assumption of "It's just a garage!" on at least half a dozen points on what should be where & why, which bays could be used for solely for MOT testing & which ones couldn't.

Icon because MOT.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Alien

Re: Reminds me of a time...

Last UK house, I put in spot lights (GU10) in the bathroom, the end light in the harness "failed" yet showed continuity when I used my DVM on the connector.

I ended up making the harness into a loop which solved the issue, there were four lights*.

*Icon ST-TNG

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Space, the final Trump-tier: America to beam up $8bn for Space Force

The Oncoming Scorn
Alien

My name is John Crichton An astronaut

Help me

Listen please

Is there anybody out there who can hear me?

I'm being hunted by an insane military commander

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Time to party like it's 2005! Palm is coming BAAAA-ACK

The Oncoming Scorn
Pint

I went through the following over the years:

Palm III

Palm IIIC - Clearance item in Staples somewhere in Cornwall 50 quid IIRC.

Tungsten T\T2 - Not sure if I bought another one due to upgrade or & then droppage.

Tapwave Zodiac II - Personal favorite of which I bought several (Dixons\PC World clearance & Two'fers from US) for myself, backup units & for the kids.

Metal construction, 2 SD slots & brilliant for inflight movies (A few shoulder surfers on one flight).

Frequently seen & used in defeating Apophis etc by SG1 in Stargate:SG1.

https://www.digitaltrends.com/computing/sci-fi-gadgets-that-are-real/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tapwave_Zodiac

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It's a phone with a peel, but you'll have to wait a bit more for retro Nokia

The Oncoming Scorn
Unhappy

Nokia 6310i

Still miss mine.

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Uptight robots that suddenly beg to stay alive are less likely to be switched off by humans

The Oncoming Scorn
Thumb Up

Re: Marvin

ARTHUR:

Marvin’s tied them up. He’s put a cassette of his autobiography in their tape machine and left it running. So I think it’s all up with them.

MARVIN:

([On autobiography tape]) In the beginning I was made.

[POODOO and PRIEST scream throughout]

MARVIN:

([On autobiography tape]) I didn't ask to be made: no one consulted me or considered my feelings in the matter. I don't think it even occurred to them that I might have feelings. After I was made, I was left in a dark room for six months... and me with this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. I called for succour in my loneliness, but did anyone come? Did they help? My first and only true friend was a small rat. One day it crawled into a cavity in my right ankle and died. I have a horrible feeling it's still there...

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The Oncoming Scorn
Terminator

Re: H2G2

Go stick your head in a pig!

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First low-frequency fast radio burst to grace our skies detected at last

The Oncoming Scorn
Alien

Re: Uh, am I the only one

I'm pretty safe then as they will starve in Alberta then, poor Diana.

https://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/rat-control-in-alberta/

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Click this link and you can get The Register banned in China

The Oncoming Scorn
Joke

Bing Crosby

I guess that he would be the crooning presscore mentioned ealier.

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Grad sends warning to manager: Be nice to our kit and it'll be nice to you

The Oncoming Scorn
Facepalm

Re: what the fuck does PC LOAD LETTER mean?

The one that gets me since we have just deployed new Xerox printers throughout our company is jobs presenting error codes on the front panel & from the web admin pages displaying the helpful message "Job Held For Resources" ie it wants the correct paper size without telling you what it actually wants.

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The Oncoming Scorn

Re: This is normal in every human endeavor.

Which is the ringtone on our company switchboard - It does drive you nuts very quickly if the branch admin has broken something else again & you are sat next to the phones trying to resolve her issue.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Flame

Judging by the state of every field service Toughbook I have to deal with, quite often.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Pint

Re: Elphin safety

No I didn't, it simply didn't occur to me to make a cheap shot as we were all talking sensibly (He had a whole weekend of convention attendees waiting to make "amusing quips" like that) as he was asking why was I in the US\living in Canada & discussing the Oil Sands.

He also took time to spend about 8 minutes engaging with my youngest son who while being over 18 & on the autistic spectrum, until the hotel bar staff delicately drew that opportunity to a end as he was under 21 & shouldn't be in the bar.

Aside from Big Jim, the only question I wanted a answer to was he going to be in the finale of Sense8

I have to admit to being slightly pissed at missing out on any interaction with Peter Davison that weekend (Although both did come over to the Project Dalek stand while we were at the closing ceremony & they had just left the stage) & I hadn't blagged myself a place on the Celebrity Guest outings the following days.

Icon - More beer.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Pint

Re: Elphin safety

I also dropped into the conversation Big Jim & The Figaro Club (Filmed in & around the area where I grew up), which he remembered fondly & was looking to buy a home somewhere in the East Dorset area, I mentioned that one of The Bristol Boys who created K9 was last heard of as living in Bridport just down the road from where he was contemplating, which surprised him.

Icon - Because we were still drinking beer.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Pint

Re: Elphin safety

I had the pleasure of spending a few hours in a bar last December & giving some advice to Radagast The Brown on the subject of why his printers always gave him trouble after months away filming (Inkjets dried up) for printing off scripts etc on his return home & told him to go get a half decent laser (or even a crappy one).

I admit I got a kick out of telling The Doctor how to resolve his technical difficulties.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Mushroom

Re: Sometimes it's the user

I had an electronics tutor with a habit of blowing semiconductors, which made his demo's pointless as he was always trying to jury rig the experiment for what ever transistor{s) had expired in his presence, so the point was lost.

He went through multiple attempts to get a working home computer in the 80's from the same store including testing before he left the shop, gets home its DOA.

Apparently he was so abundant with static he had to discharge himself against a radiator before he dared kiss his wife goodbye in the morning, a fact that some student thought it was worth flogging (successfully) to the Sun\Mirror for some beer money.

Icon - EMP.

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The Solar System's oldest minerals reveal the Sun's violent past

The Oncoming Scorn
Coat

Blue Crystals

I saw a Doctormentary about that & mind enhancing powers....

I'll get me coat & long scarf that go so well with my teeth & curls.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Coat

Re: Highly volatile noble gases?

Is Uranus gassy.......

I'll get me coat.

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Sysadmin trained his offshore replacements, sat back, watched ex-employer's world burn

The Oncoming Scorn

Re: Pictures or....

Classic or New?

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All that dust on Mars is coming from one weird giant alien structure

The Oncoming Scorn
Alien

Re: Dust

I saw a documentary about that, it was full of shit.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Thumb Up

Re: something else is to blame for the large swathes of dust

It's the Lintilla cloning machine, not the Nutrimat

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The Oncoming Scorn

Pyramids!

Sutekh: Your evil is my good. I'm Sutekh the Destroyer. Where I tread, I leave nothing but dust and darkness. I find that good.

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Sysadmin sank IBM mainframe by going one VM too deep

The Oncoming Scorn
FAIL

Its also known as the pound or sometimes the number key on phone systems in Canada.

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Taps running dry for Capita? Southern Water pens 5-year managed service

The Oncoming Scorn
Alert

Last time I looked at a map, islands are traditionally surrounded by water, even if its full of salt or not.

It seems a opportune moment to dust off this clip (At long last someones uploaded it) regarding water quality - The Naked Video Heavy Water Sketch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xm-xOqIKdwA

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Heatwave shmeatwave: Brit IT departments cool their racks – explicit pics

The Oncoming Scorn
Pint

Re: I always like when people put flammable materials...

The same technique was used on illicitly brewed, store & dispense a quick shot of beer if you wanted, on at least one oil rig, until some H&S type decided to test it\real fire & found a different sort of foamy goodness coming out.

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Geoboffins spot hundreds of ghost dunes on Mars

The Oncoming Scorn
Go

Gurney Haddock.

FTFY

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No one wants new phones – it's chips that keep Samsung chugging

The Oncoming Scorn
Holmes

BYOD

Jumped ship from contract (Paid it off after being in it for 5 months) to a rather sweet deal BYOD from Virgin (Canada) then a year later jumped back to Bell (Canada) as part of a sweeter BYOD deal that was run by the all the mobile operators last December.

Since there's no equivalent deal without a doubling of my monthly payment for a subsidised phone & halving or worse quartering my data at the same time - I'll just stick with my S7 thanks.

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Every step you take: We track you for your own safety, you know?

The Oncoming Scorn
Big Brother

The Former Micro-Managed One Man IT Field Guy

My last role had a very nice small team of people that could share a pool of knowledge, tasks & abilities.

Manglement shuffle & the new head tosser decided that the team of four in our remote location could become two teams while remaining one team, one half covered the Government stuff, the other commercial clients.

He was constantly looking for ways to fudge the figures so that we were engaged 100% of the time in work to make him look good. Then would berate us for doing exactly what he asked when his bosses noticed. Along with exact routes taken to marry up with the mileage claims per job. Much more time was spent calculating the shortest to take & the longest to enter into the 3 different systems.

The Government team suddenly got very very very busy, me & my partner got to sit in our unit & await deliveries that might deign to show up sometime between 10.30 -14.00 twiddling our thumbs.

Then he left & I was lumped into the sitting around all day twiddling thumbs or being berated by emails from different CRM's & bosses for:

Not being in the unit to receive parts, because I was out fitting the parts that came late in the previous day (Over one four day period I was spending all day traveling to & from remote sites in different directions on for different customers sites, without actually setting foot in our unit at all).

Prioritising one repair & wait for the parts to arrive after complaints by one CRM, while receiving complaints from other ones that I wasn't dealing with their calls.

GPS tracking was about the only thing that Uncle B** hadn't managed to put into place (Above his pay grade), though he loved to monitor what jobs we were booked into, a man that stated he was so busy, but he actually went looking for ways to increase his workload by micro-managing & ensuring we weren't trying to wring a extra few cents on our expenses claims.

Well I can say it now - I turned up each day at the unit at the expected time of deliveries, rather than sit all day in a freezing or in summer fly infested, while sewer gas leaked into the unit & buggered off after the expected window for deliveries closed. Morning phone conferences were taken from the bed or bathroom. Repairs were scheduled for times that suited me once I had the parts, because Uncle Ben insisted on strict adherence (on paper) for a 7.5 hour day.

I'm now in a much better IT role I do a full 8 hour day mostly behind a desk, I'm left to get on with things my own way & I'm much more driven & have a much greater sense of job satisfaction as a result.

New company manager & Director of IT want to push me deeper into things & I'm hungry for the challenges.

Trust & respect in a job is a two way street, though tracking can be a necessary evil in some cases.

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Security guard cost bank millions by hitting emergency Off button

The Oncoming Scorn
Alert

Re: most emergency buttons provide [..] no information on what, exactly, they are supposed to stop

DAVROS: Press it, and you will destroy this bunker and everything in it. Only this room will remain.

https://i0.wp.com/tggeeks.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/MV5BMThhNjgwNWYtMWU3Yi00OTRmLTk5ZjAtYThhMTk2NmM1NGIxXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjMzMzk2Mjg@._V1_.jpg?resize=768%2C432&ssl=1

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Distie bosses tuck 7-figure settlement into Cisco's top pocket

The Oncoming Scorn
Big Brother

This Has Happened Before

No one here remembers Dicky Dirts in the 70/80's, importing jeans from the US, with large ads in the papers every week outlining their goals & selling them well below the cost of "UK" pricing as a grey importer?

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Sysadmin shut down server, it went ‘Clunk!’ but the app kept running

The Oncoming Scorn
FAIL

Re: DEC Engineer

The wiring of the circuit breakers & the labelling thereof down in the basement of my old house bore only a passing resemblance to what it might actually be connected to.

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RIP Peter Firmin: Clangers creator dies aged 89

The Oncoming Scorn
Childcatcher

Soppy From Looe - Last Seen In Plessey Siemans.

I went to college with this chap from Looe in Cornwall - His claim to infamy, the Clangers gave him Nightmares.

He was supposed to be my Best Man, but the bugger completely failed to show up - Unlike the soon to be ex-Mrs Scorn.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Childcatcher

Re: Lovely chap, great series

It was Christmas & I recall a episode of Ivor where Jones the steam has somehow fallen out of of Ivor & is in the supporting braces of the bridge, quite traumatic as a 3 year old, also in my recall of the same day is a episode of Sooty with Harry (not Matthew) Corbett around a Christmas tree as opposed to the usual scaled sets.

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Foot lose: Idiot perv's shoe-mounted upskirt vid camera explodes

The Oncoming Scorn
Coat

Archer

Footloose going into the Danger Zone.

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Creep travels half the world to harass online teen gamer… and gets shot by her mom – cops

The Oncoming Scorn
Thumb Up

Re: Normally....

Half a dozen of the other..

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The Oncoming Scorn
Holmes

Re: Now he can get a tattoo, "Shot by the Mom!"

The Colt Woodsman has been involved in one murder in the UK (1981).

https://shootersunion.com.au/the-folly-of-gun-registration-part-1/

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Great news, cask beer fans: UK shortage of CO2 menaces fizzy crap taking up tap space

The Oncoming Scorn
Pint

Re: Recapture

Does that explain why the beer went from tasting "normal" with a proper head on my last visit to the UK in 2011 to see my father & being as flat as Suffolk (& watery tasting) on my return a year later to arrange his funeral & being told its because you have got used to beer in Canada.

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El Reg works with Byte Night to put techies out on the streets

The Oncoming Scorn
Angel

Re: Jenny Agutter?

Logans Run - One film I have yet to see fully, along with Walkabout*.

Kit off in that one too IIRC - For reasons that should be obvious regarding the Icon.

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Trainee techie ran away and hid after screwing up a job, literally

The Oncoming Scorn
FAIL

Choosing Sutable Screws

For whatever reason a CD Burner was not installed\ordered\supplied in a customers system (Back in the day when they cost serious money).

One was despatched by post as client was by his own words competent enough to install it.

He then complained it was faulty\DOA & brought the system in for diagnostics.

He then failed to understand why the massive wood screws used to secure the drive instead of the supplied ones voided his warranty.

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Developer’s code worked, but not in the right century

The Oncoming Scorn
Go

Re: Hills

Other fun names to properly pronounce in Devon & Cornwall:

Crediton

Doddiscombeleigh

Loddiswell

Launceston.

Meanwhile other funny names in the Dorset\Hampshire area:

Happy Bottom

Scratchy Bottom

Shitterton

Burnt Balls

Sandy Balls

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The Oncoming Scorn
Angel

Re: Hills

It's you lot that put the jam & the cream on in the wrong order.

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The Oncoming Scorn
Holmes

Re: Hills

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brown_Willy

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Keep your hands on the f*cking wheel! New Tesla update like being taught to drive by your dad

The Oncoming Scorn
Boffin

Re: Auto-crash-pilot

I always thought it was the Three Second Rule, I may be wrong but I'm erring on the side of caution in any case.

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User spent 20 minutes trying to move mouse cursor, without success

The Oncoming Scorn
Joke

Did you fix it without charge?

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The Oncoming Scorn
Alien

Re: Fuzzy Balls & Telephone Sanitizers

Ahhhh the Golgafrincham is strong in you.

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