* Posts by astounded1

40 posts • joined 27 Mar 2017

Hapless engineers leave UK cable landing station gate open, couple of journos waltz right in


It's Not Grass - It's GLASS, You Idiots

The 1990s style stoner film updated:

Bertie And Bernie Break The Internet (No, Really, They Actually Do Break It)

"Bertie, mate, I'm freezing. This concrete hut is open. Let's go see if it's warm."

"Sound, mate, I've got the weed. We can fire up inside."

Cut to lit match falling onto some flammable liquid that then rapidly spreads into an inferno, melting the landing station and wiping out the fastest Internet route between the U.K. and North America.

Now, THAT'S Brexit...

Techie in need of a doorstop picks up 'chunk of metal' – only to find out it's rather pricey


Platinum In The Boot

My now deceased Uncle Karl was a top metals engineer who'd been brought on by a firm that was working on top-secret materials for the NASA Apollo spaceflight project. One Saturday when we were visiting his home, he brought me out into the drive where his car was parked. He popped open the boot, rustled around and handed me a heavy brick of silver metal. He had a few of them in there, haphazardly dumped in the boot bottom, covered over by a canvas tarpaulin.

"Do you know what that is?" he asked.

"Ummm, lead," I ventured.

"No. It's platinum. It's worth more than gold." This was in the days when Sean Connery was still playing Bond and who could forget Goldfinger? Especially the parts where Jill Masterson is painted gold, or when Bond drops the bar of Nazi gold on the golf green?

I was impressed but confused. "Why are you carrying it around in the boot?" I asked.

Now, he drove a typical genius engineer's ride - a tan ford with a few dents and scratches. It was a completely unremarkable and rather ugly four-door sedan.

"Who is going to try to steal anything from this?" he asked me, laughing.

He shut the boot and I have never forgot that moment.

My uncle was a real secret agent. It also proves, as does this story, that materials engineers aren't exactly careful with, well, their materials.

Roses are red, so is ketchup, 'naked' Huawei tells its critics to belt up


Backdoor, Frontdoor, Sidedoor, Petdoor, Roof vent, Sewer Line...

So many holes. So many ways to turn them on. So long as the cyber spooks have access to the same spying as everyone else, the only losers are the civilians.

Ivan to be left alone: Russia preps to turn its internet into an intranet if West opens cyber-fire


If A Russia Disconnected The Internet In The Forest...

Would anyone know it?

Arrcus looks to 400G future, Tonga stuck on satellite connection, and Linux Foundation's new edge computing effort


My Tongan Beach House Is Offline

The sat solution for the undersea cable disruption is s-l-o-w......so slow, sessions all time out.

In effect, we are off grid for awhile.

God it's beautiful!!!

I'm sending this comment from the boat's sat account.

Niagara Falls of cash: Storage startup Rubrik showers in VC moolah


Is It Still A Startup - Or Is It A Form Of Gambling?

By the time this Rubrik'sCcube gets sorted, the next data storage magic cube will appear out of the quantum particle dance competition.

In this case, IPO actually means: "Thanks very much...I'M PAID OFF!!!"

Fake news? More like ache news. Grandma, grampa 'more likely' to share made-up articles during US election


Look At That Honey - Hillary Has Horns Under Her Fake Hair!

President Trump can make pigs fly, too! Let's share this one.

Another greybeard has left us: Packet pioneer Larry Roberts dies at 81


A Good Man With A Very Dry Wit And A Big Brain

I knew Dr. Roberts around the time he founded Anagran. That company was more successful then you may think. He built traffic prioritizing "flow routers" that captured the attention of Microsoft, which then introduced Larry to a number of Pentagon types and the flow routing technology was suddenly gone underground. He didn't pass away broke, I can assure you. It's a very useful technology for giving network transit priority to packets like near real-time battlefield data flow, as you might imagine you'd desire, if a network is also carrying other, rather less critical information like supply chain logistics and an assortment of additional non-time-critical data. Versions of his discoveries in packet identification/prioritizing are under development all the time in the non-secret world. Related technology to flow routing allows mysterious network operators to throttle your excessive streaming of various stuff and such.

True story: Larry was stood before an audience in the Seattle area at a conference some years back where I was fortunate to share a panel with him. He was presenting slides to some 800 or so rapt audience members on the development of the ARPANET when he dryly intoned to the audience that "we didn't design it to be a television network." This received a big laugh, although I do not think Larry was kidding. (You could never tell, however, due to his aforementioned dry wit.)

The good doctor spent a lot of time thinking about packets. It's quite good he did, as it turns out. Dr. Larry, please prioritize my packets to a good place when I step across the river, if you wouldn't mind. See you then.

Equifax how-it-was-mega-hacked damning dossier lands, in all of its infuriating glory


So Shut Up And Pay Us For Premium Dark Web Insurance

Look, if we didn't surf our greed and disregard for you digits out there into this magnificent fuck up, we wouldn't have jumpstarted our hot, new dark web scanning business so you can watch how your stolen info we let get stolen is put to work.

All for just 75 quid a month.

Once you see your privates on the scary side of the web, you won't be surprised anymore when your bank balance suddenly goes to zero. We will have warned you.

That's all we do here. We lose your shit, then we charge you to warn you. So fuck off.

Britain approved £2.5m of snooping kit exports to thoroughly snuggly regime in Saudi Arabia


This Annoying Saudi Guy With A Saw Out In My Garden...

I've been posting a few things about the big amphibian Mohammed Bin Salamander and his evil ranks and, wouldn't you know it, they came back up my light streamed packets and there they are, having tea outside the window, waiting for me to step outside.

Fortunately for me, I have an escape tunnel.

Wait, what? The UK spy kit means they now know I have an escape tunnel?

Hold on...Oh no! The saw guy is holding up a sign. It reads, "We know you have a tunnel."


He's not cracked RSA-1024 encryption, he's a very naughty Belarusian ransomware middleman


Hi, I'm Admiral Clepto...

Dr. Shifro is in my group therapy session. We suggested to him that he has a valid business model and that he should be open about the fact that he can get your encrypted stuff decrypted - for a fee on top of the ransom request.

In some places they call this kind of shit being a lawyer...

Nearly D-day, Dell tells shareholders: Come December 11, we expect you to say yes


Go Ahead, Make My Payout

I know what you're thinking. Did I lose 600 million, 800 million, a billion in the quarter? Come to think of it, in all this excitement leading up to the shareholder vote, I kind of lost track myself. Since I've got this .44 magnum pointed at you, the world's most powerful handgun that can blow your head clean off, and I want to cash out of this dinosaur business my private equity bucks got sunk into, I guess you've got to ask yourself a question - are you gonna vote yes? Well, are you punk?

What now, Larry? AWS boss insists Amazon will have dumped Oracle database by end of 2019


In Ten Years Oracle Will Be Wanged...

As in a runaway market leader to Wang Terminaled...as in Finito Mussolini...ripped apart by its own business model. They will simply have no more customers left to audit.

Brutal how many jobs AWS is going to cost the IT world in the next ten years. Larry always can go sailing. So why should he care?

Unbreakable smart lock devastated to discover screwdrivers exist


Cool Way To Get Rid Of Crap You Don't Want Anymore

Fill a storage cube with your crap and put one of these locks on it and dump the cube in a dodgy neighborhood. Wait 24 hours. Come back and retrieve the empty cube.

Gigabit? More like, you can gigabet the US will fall behind on super-fast broadband access


You Gotta Have Backhaul, Oh you Gotta Have Backhaul If You Want 5g...

Makes for a catchy tune. In order for the mass rollout of 5G to deliver promised wireless speeds of a gig, there is going to be another round of fiber going in the U.K, the Continent and the USA.

Nothing like a mobile carrier arms race to create a terrestrial network with enough fiber that even BT would think of hooking up your manse.

USA? Oi vey! AT&T and Verizon already at each others' throats. Because of mobile billions, the major networks have no choice but to enable gig or the competition will. The mobile guys don't cooperate on "regions" like the cable guys do. They have to have your blood and they'll spend to get and keep it. This report doesn't touch on the backhaul reality of all that mobile data needing to be sucked into the ground but fast and routed to its destination in a few milliseconds. Only sweet Corning Leaf is in order.

Thus, me droogies, said report is bollux.

The antisocial network: 'Facebook has a black people problem,' claims staffer in exit salvo


El Reg Is The Only Place I Ever Post Anything...

No Twatter account. No Facecrook. No LockedIn.


Just here. That's it.

Is it a triumph of will? Or the tragic story of one lonely technology misfit living a withdrawn life devoid of digital "friends?"

I'm building a communications cube sat programmed to talk to me from space.

I'm naming it God.

US told to quit sharing data with human rights-violating surveillance regime. Which one, you ask? That'd be the UK


I Thought 007 And M Handled All This In S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

And Blofeld is in prison.

Now, you're saying the Brits and the U.S. are about to collaborate on exactly the sort of system that Bond uncovered and put down?

Who can believe anything anymore?

3ve Offline: Countless Windows PCs using 1.7m IP addresses hacked to 'view' up to 12 billion adverts a day


Um...Creepy Smart Thieves Love Big Privacy Invading Ad Schemes Like Google

Google is justifying itself as a victim in all this. The cookie monster is actually pretty damn stupid.


Cisco and AWS hop into bed for steamy hybrid Kubernetes action


Or You Can Use The Cloud To Entirely Ditch Cisco...

I'm weighing all this heavy Cisco kit. Did I mention, it's heavy? I moved a wagonload of work to Azure and, guess what, I don't need so much heavy Cisco iron anymore. Should I call them and tell them I want some more, anyway? You know, just to help out?

Dell upping its margins again: Precision 5530 laptop will sting you for $13m. Yep, six zeroes


Re: If you don't like those prices El Reg...

Crazy Eddie resurrected!!!

His prices are insane!



These Operate With Actual Clouds

Delish! Let's get 100. We can connect them to the Dell cloud. Wait, what? Dell doesn't have a cloud?

F5: Don't panic but folks can slip past vulnerable firewall servers, thanks to libssh's credentials-optional 'security'


Yesterday's Fabric Needs Yesterday's Machines

Isn't that why you have conversations over drinks, whispering in the corner, about how much longer you can milk the current gig?

New Zealand border cops warn travelers that without handing over electronic passwords 'You shall not pass!'


Re: Fuck them all (Five Eyes)

Speaking on behalf of all the aforementioned countries in your post, so glad you've decided to fuck off. Cheers!


Do Not Underestimate The Power Of Sheep and Kiwi Fruit

I had reason to recently travel to NZ for business. They were more interested in my footwear and where it had been than any electronic devices I had (three of them).

They were so interested in my footwear, in fact, that I was diverted into an agricultural inspection queue so that an agent could inspect my brand new, as yet never worn, tramping boots to insure they were not infected with some type of nasty little bug.

Be advised, you don't want to be diverted into the agri queue, as it added an additional 60 minutes for me to clear into the country. I would gladly give them all my passwords in exchange for avoiding the boot inspector. By the way, whereas you face a fine if you don't hand over passwords when demanded, if you were to try to sneak past the agri inspection with any questionable item(s) and you are caught, you face jail, a fine and deportation with no prospect of ever getting back into the country again.

Citrix snuffs Xen and NetScaler brands


Rebranding The Titanic

Citrix's New "Immersive North Atlantic Experience"

In other words - Aw, shucks, most of the stuff we make is going to be obsolete.

BA IT systems failure: Uninterruptible Power Supply was interrupted


When You Don't Test And Train And Your Setup Sucks...

Active:active without estrangement between the two is a flying farce. In other words, your secondary live site must be autonomous, not interlinked. You move to it with no electrical interplay. What kind of collective ignorance is at play here?

Nobody loves the smell of fried computers in the morning. Or do they?

HPE sales slide, profits evaporate... but think of the future, CEO urges


Bruce Springsteen put it best in the anthem, "Your Hometown."

"Foreman said these jobs are going boys

and they ain't coming back

to your hometown..."

When will we stop hearing the BS about how "the cloud" is a great opportunity for these dinosaur legacy companies like HPE, Dell/EMC/VMWare, IBM.

Take every reference to "the cloud" uttered by every company except Amazon, Microsoft and Google and, when the word "cloud" comes out of an executive's mouth, substitute it with the term "dotcom."

So, it would read like this:

"We look forward to the unlimited growth opportunity awaiting us and our new products in the dotcom (cloud) world."

Get the picture?

We're 'heartbroken' we got caught selling your email records to Uber, says Unroll.me boss


In A World Full Of Twits...

Don't be one anymore!!! Stop using this sort of shite and pare down your own e mail heap.

Uber engineer's widow: Stress and racism killed my husband ... Uber: Let's make flying cars!


Imagine How Many More...

are living in hell over at Uber trying to figure out what to do about it and they can't say anything. I'd rather starve on the street before going through that. Oh, wait, I practically already am because I refuse to go through that. Run for your lives! It's not worth it.

'Nobody's got to use the internet,' argues idiot congressman in row over ISP privacy rules


And, If You Don't Like Dirty Air...

This guy - look at him - won't be around much longer and I mean literally. That said, his logic can be extended to a variety of issues:

If you don't like dirty air, don't breathe.

If you want to combat global warming, build more air conditioning.

If you want to be left behind in this modern world, don't use the Internet.

It makes total sense coming from a real visionary.

It gets worse – now WD says Toshiba memory business sale breaches joint venture terms



NVM pricing already on way to bottom race. Toshy types thinking they will reap billions for this? Buy my Yugo, please!

Prisoners built two PCs from parts, hid them in ceiling, connected to the state's network and did cybershenanigans


Top Notch Prison Training

Using fragnets to build a think boxes: first rate

Using think boxes to hack into prison net: crafty

Using prison net to commit financial crimes: ironic

Defeating moron prison IT admins: simple

Jailed biz coach accused of $17.5m HPE fraud writes to fans saying 'join me'


He Got Money For The Servers?

Instead of suing him, HPE ought to pay him to find out how he was able to sell-on the boxes. Have you seen HPE's year-over-year networking sales figures?

On the other hand, this twit should remain in Pentonville on sheer principle alone.

Rackspace launches cloud consultancy service while firing staff


After Fleecing Shareholders...

Remember when Rackspace WAS the cloud? No? That claim, among many others, was touted by endless analysts - to the detriment of dumb shareholders whose hard earned 401k cash went down the Rackspace rat hole.

Now - this latest play?

Next up - Rackspace To Open First Mars Data Center.

Surprise! British phone wins Best Product at Mobile World Congress


Re: Looks good

It's not. I own one.


My Cat Phone

Caught in a torrential downpour three weeks ago on the Devil's Ladder, County Kerry, Ireland, I soaked this unit. I banged it on rocks whilst scrambling to the ridge top. I took spectacular photos out over the Irish coast from the summit of Ireland's highest peak, Carrauntoohil, during a glorious sun break that featured several rainbows.

I paid $629 USD for it directly from Cat's website. Best investment yet in a mobile device.

Ford to build own data centre to store connected car data


Nine people per shift to run this building - max

Another edition of the robot data center controlling everyone but producing squat for jobs. Bully!

Nokia blasts 250 Gbps across Atlantic in optical test for Facebook


Re: BT would probably stick a piece of Copper on it either end, give results as "up to" 250Gbps

It does not have to go to copper if engineering at the landing stations allows it to move onward to responsible network operators who understand they have no option but to go O-O-O as far to the edge as possible.

Oh, sorry. You were talking about BT...Never mind.

This easy one cloud trick is in DANGER. Why?


Courting Disaster Is The Best Way To Avoid It

It's simply too tempting to not ask:

Suppose EVERYTHING you've built and those before you built suddenly went dark and you had to re-start from scratch - what would the affect be and what would you do about it?

Simulate it. Your rebuild roadmap will emerge. Stretch that brain, one-two-three. One-two-three.

Bloke whose drone was blasted out of sky by angry dad loses another court battle for compo


If it's below 83 feet and your daughter is sunbathing in the yard, here's a far better strategy, especially if your daughter is under 18: report the drone's owner to police as a serial sex predator and then, on top of that, sue for 1. invasion of privacy. 2. reckless endangerment. 3. criminal trespass.

In most states in the USA, you can file for damages on $10,000 per count and get it into small claims court where a judge would be very likely to rule against the drone owner.

The big hurdle is finding out who owns the drone.

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