* Posts by word_merchant

241 posts • joined 9 Jan 2017

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Oracle caves, promises to crack open Java EE as v8 crawls ever closer

word_merchant
Go

Go Java!

When Java fans refer to the language as being 'strongly typed', they actually mean the immense number of key presses needed to actually code anything of use up. There's been a working group meeting for some years to agree what changes to the language are needed to compress the canonical 'hello world' program into under a day's typing by an average-speed typist, but after 7 years of intense discussion, the group is yet to agree on whether the text 'world' should be followed by a newline or not.

You can tell a long-time Java developer by their over-sized hands and severe callouses on their finger tips, along with the inability to remember where, when and why they started their latest piece of Java development, and how many more factories, proxies, mementos, listeners, actors and shims the code will need before it does anything useful at all. The really old ones (in their 40s and above) will wistfully mention how good the original IBM PC keyboard was, because, under the incessant pounding and beating from Java developers, modern keyboards tend to melt, fall to pieces or explode before the first Bean has limped its way into its application server, only to fail to deploy with a 750 line stack trace, of which but a single line will refer to any code the developer has written.

The most hardened and ancient Java developers (say aged 45 and older) will have forgotten their names, all their personal history and relationships, and very often how to even leave their offices, as the sheer number and volume of specifications needed to realise the most simple of concepts will have removed capacity for any other knowledge in the single-minded developer's brain. James Gosling, when he isn't apologising profusely for what he's done, tends to answer every question with the cryptic utterance, 'ask Maven why and then I'll cry'. And he's one of the lucky ones: to this day, no-one will officially speak of what actually happened between Marc Fleury and Cameron Purdy when they accidentally met in a hotel in Chicago, except that they allegedly broke each other's encapsulation so badly that parts of the hotel are still off limits to anyone but NASA specialists.

So best of luck to Oracle, and I'll look forward to their latest Java goodness some time before the universe cools.

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Drive-thru drive-by at McDs after ice cream no-show, say cops

word_merchant
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An irate McDonald’s drive-thru punter was so pissed that he couldn’t get his Sunday morning ice cream fix due to a broken dispenser that he pulled out a replica AR-15 rifle from his car boot in protest.

Perfectly reasonable for our friends in the colonies. No doubt Trump will be mentioning this favourably during his next press conference on American jobs in America for Americans.

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Where there's smoke there's a Galaxy Note: Refurbished Model 4 batteries recalled

word_merchant
Flame

Well done Samsung!

Another winner!

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British Airways waves Bing dong: At least it's not a tech cockup

word_merchant
Paris Hilton

Also does the censor program...

I suggest calling it Paris, because, well...

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Last FalconStor CEO survived just six weeks before being replaced

word_merchant
FAIL

I assume he discovered that, for his excessive salary and nice office, he'd actually have to do some work and that he'd have to explain himself, and FalconStor to investors, perhaps starting with why they felt the need to omit the final 'e'. Shame. Still "strategic industry advisor" is a nice non-title to have.

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UK.gov is hiring IT bods with skills in ... Windows Vista?!

word_merchant

Because if you can cope with Vista then coping with all the other idiocies of government will be trivial.

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Virtual assistant backlash imminent so buy them anyway

word_merchant
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Gartner predicts a backlash...

...so continued popularity guaranteed.

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Comp sci world shock: Bonn boffin proposes P≠NP proof, preps for prestige, plump prize

word_merchant

Upvoted for sensible thinking, but next time please show how you worked this out like I did.

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word_merchant
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Solved.

Suppose that you are organizing housing accommodations for a group of four hundred university students. Space is limited and only one hundred of the students will receive places in the dormitory. To complicate matters, the Dean has provided you with a list of pairs of incompatible students, and requested that no pair from this list appear in your final choice.

Ok. Here goes:

1. Ignore the Dean's list - that's discriminatory. Punish the Dean on social media if he/she puts up a fuss.

2. Randomly cross off half the list; that eliminates the unlucky. No point in educating them, they'll never succeed.

3. Split the remaining list into male and female. You can't have both in a dorm as that would instantly lead to a non-stop sex-fest, loads of unwanted pregnancies, a greater demand for accommodation, and no-one would attend any lectures. So toss a coin and remove either all males or all females from the list.

4. Of the remaining people, if there more than 100 people, order them by either whose parents are paying the most or whose parents carry the most influence in the community. Take the top 100. No room for failures.

5. Your dorm is full and everyone's happy (except those who didn't get a place. Life sucks sometimes, deal with it and stop your moaning).

See, that didn't involve any hard sums or a computer. Where do I claim my prize?

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President Trump to his council of industry CEO buddies: You're fired!

word_merchant
Facepalm

Re: Dell is loyal?

From Dell's 'Corporate Social Responsibility' page - http://www.dell.com/learn/uk/en/ukcorp1/cr:

Every day, Dell is pairing technology with innovation to make a positive social and environmental impact – building a Legacy of Good. We are committed to putting our technology and expertise to work, where it can do the most good for people and the planet, making possible today what was impossible yesterday.

Every team member at Dell shares this commitment because being a good company is the right thing to do, but it is also right for our business. We’re creating real value for our customers, employees, and partners while driving social and environmental good in the community.

Surely there's nothing in here that stops them working very closely and intimately with the Mr Trump, a man who has definitely redefined what being a President means.

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word_merchant
IT Angle

Re: "Trump is clearly in the early stages of dementia."

Northing to do with the topic at hand but when a comment is long and the 'Expand Comment' option is available, clicking on links that are (presumably) in the top of the gradient section that will be expand downwards - but are still entirely visible on screen, e.g. "like this guy" - doesn't work.

A fine case of clever UI and coding removing useful functionality.

Anyway, back to the debate...

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Cloudflare: We dumped Daily Stormer not because they're Nazis but because they said we love Nazis

word_merchant

I think Cloudflare acted well in difficult circumstances.

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Google paying Apple BEEELLIONS to stay search top dog on iDevices, say analysts

word_merchant
Pint

Re: Is this because there isn't a user option to customise search?

Settings -> Safari -> Search Engine.

Pick one of: Google, Yahoo (presumably a no-op now), Bing (see Yahoo) or DuckDuckGo.

You can't addd your own

You owe me one ----------------------------------------------------------------->

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word_merchant

DuckDuckGo uses bing!?

FuckFuckNo!

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word_merchant
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Apple should just make their own search engine

It would be called Ping as both a clever and heart-warming play on Microsoft's well loved Google-beater Bing, and as a way of using the existing fountain of good will and user engagement with Apple's well loved iTunes and its clever and heavily visited built-in social network.

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PayPal, accused of facilitating neo-Nazi rally, promises to deny hate groups service

word_merchant
Facepalm

...promises to deny hate groups service

All PayPal needs to do then is to apply their usual level of crap customer service and spurious funds withholding ('for your protection'), and these groups will soon shut down.

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Web-enabled vibrator class action put to bed

word_merchant

Re: Threesome

It's all about sharing nowadays.

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Pssst, wanna know a secret? MongoDB has confidentially filed for IPO, reports suggest

word_merchant

They need a better name, and fast.

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Not another Linux desktop! Robots cross the Uncanny Valley

word_merchant

We seemed to be very hard-wired to quickly decide what is 'right' and 'not right' in human movements, looks, actions and expressions, possibly from a dim and distant past when quickly knowing who was in your tribe and could hopefully be trusted was of vital importance, and when correctly reading the mood of a potential predator was life-saving.

I suspect this inbuilt 'logic' is behind a lot of today's social tensions too, and that, as a species, we will react very badly when we meet our first real aliens. But this is all conjecture on my part.

However, when The Polar Express film came out, some children were upset by it, because the characters - no matter how well rendered - had 'dead eyes'. Their faces could not be instinctively read; they became horrible.

There's an interesting paper on all this (that I had nothing to do with) here: http://research.shu.ac.uk/aces/enquiry/index.php/enquiry/article/view/45

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Batteries that don't burn at the drop of a Galaxy Note 7? We're listening

word_merchant

Some people say we are slaves to smartphones...

Not me. I'm slave to the rhythm.

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Datrium claims its split-provisioning DVX array is 'tomorrow calling'

word_merchant

Datrium is providing separate scaling of CPU power and storage capacity in its disaggregated converged storage arrays.

Er... right. Cool. Wicked. They've still got a crap name though.

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RBS sharpens axe again: 900 IT jobs to go by 2020

word_merchant

They need a leaner and meaner model.

Let us know how your company's going if it banks at RBS.

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word_merchant
Stop

Presumably this has come about because RBS has, unlike every other big bank I've ever worked in, through a prudent and common sense approach, invested the correct amount on IT, fully realising the importance of a well maintained IT platform to the correct and continued functioning of the bank.

This clever investment will have allowed them to successfully simplify all internal systems and interfaces, removing duplication brought about by mergers, reorganisations, poor specification and egos, and generally tidy up and prune all the legacy spaghetti that tends to accrete over the years.

As part of this completely successful remediation process, I would expect that the few remaining systems are fully documented with concise, yet complete runbooks, and because RBS will have had the best people working on these systems - understanding that good development does not come cheap, the reliability of the resulting streamlined IT platform will be second to none.

That has to be the explanation. Any other reason, say ill-thought out cost cutting, would be fucking stupid, given all the IT-related problems that RBS has suffered from.

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Chap behind Godwin's law suspends his own rule for Charlottesville fascists: 'By all means, compare them to Nazis'

word_merchant

Re: Everything I don't like is a Nazi

Grammar Pest: Someone who feels the overwhelming need to correct miner textual errors.

Oh, for the love of God, you've done it again. It's MINOR!

I don't care any more if this makes me an actual Nazi, a grammar pest or a septuagenarian with challenging views, just learn to spell before posting any more words to the internet.

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word_merchant
Stop

Re: Everything I don't like is a Nazi

This is the problem when people get labelled nazis for correcting you're grammar...

Oooh... want to correct this, don't want to be labelled a Nazi, but want to correct this; what to do?

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The cheek of it! Beach bar owner shoots nude bather in the booty

word_merchant
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...just noticed the headline. And I thought I was being so original...

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word_merchant
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The cheek of it!

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HP Inc vows: We're not walking away from Continuum

word_merchant
FAIL

I don't trust HP.

And I don't trust Microsoft.

I have dealings with neither, and that's the way I like it.

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Major shareholder: BT CEO Gavin Patterson should step down

word_merchant
FAIL

It'd just be nice if BT could actually do the 'T' bit.

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Tech billionaire Khosla loses battle over public beach again – and still grants no access

word_merchant

He looks like a right w◾️◾️ker, to be honest.

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Chinese stealth outfit reckons the smartwatch isn’t quite dead

word_merchant
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Re: it's a great way to gauge interest

I wish you luck with receiving and enjoying your watch. In return, can you send a small amount of good luck my way, so I get my Vega +?

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word_merchant

Re: So why are they on Kickstarter?

Why are we letting them do it?

I think it's because we truly don't care.

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Surfacegate: Microsoft execs 'misled Nadella', claims report

word_merchant
Facepalm

Re: Yup drivers

So let me get this straight:

1. Microsoft is entirely responsible for the hardware design.

2. Microsoft is entirely responsible for the OS and all the running software.

3. Microsoft cannot get the drivers right.

It beggars belief. Nice one, SatNad.

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word_merchant

Very surprised...

...to hear about Microsoft being caught out lying. I always had them right there with Oracle in terms of level of trust.

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Google and its terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week in full

word_merchant

Bigots that should have been castrated at birth

I always wondered if women could be bigots or whether it was just men. It seems it's just men. Thanks for setting the record straight, Kieren.

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word_merchant
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Re: Just to clarify

If that manifesto is not bringing the company into disrepute I honestly don't know what would?

How's about the continued, intrusive, unwanted and secretive use and selling of personal data without ever coming quite clean about what is sold, who to and why. Will that do you?

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Official: Windows for Workstations returns in Fall Creators Update

word_merchant
FAIL

Re: What about auto-updates?

I don't know how an application update can run for hours...

The application update takes around 15 minutes - 5 minutes to download, 10 minutes to get through decade-old hoary hacked up NTFS code; the rest of the time is spent by Windows sweeping through every attached disk uploading all files it finds to Microsoft servers (aka 'telemetry'). This is for your own good. It improves your experience. You can always watch the targeted ads in Explorer whilst you wait.

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Revealed: The naughty tricks used by web ads to bypass blockers

word_merchant
Stop

To any marketing scum who've accidentally arrived here.

Please read the comments on this forum - the people who've written them are your potential customers, apart from the one who shows up here from time to time pretending (?) to be Trump or somesuch. Then go and refine your business model to not be so fucking irritating and confrontational. Thank-you.

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Kaspersky axes antitrust complaints against Microsoft after Windows giant vows to play nice

word_merchant

Because everyone should be allowed to apply lipstick to the pig.

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We'll deliver 'in a few weeks' says troubled ZX Spectrum reboot firm

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Yay!

I might actually get mine!

(Stranger things have happened).

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Plink: Lego swaps CEO for newer piece

word_merchant

A spokesperson for Lego claimed that Bali Padda simply wasn't a good fit.

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Your top five dreadful people the Google manifesto has pulled out of the woodwork

word_merchant

I'm a white, male, anglo-saxon, ex-protestant, American, and am also a feminist, socialist bordering on marxist, supporter of affirmative action. If you find yourself offended by that, I will point out: I'm probably older than you, almost certainly more educated than you, probably more intelligent than you, probably have lived in more different places and dealt with more different people than you, almost certainly more widely read than you, and I'm not interested in hearing your drivel.

I'm so pleased I don't know you. You're not interested in hearing our 'drivel' (i.e. things you don't agree with) yet you're perfectly happy to vomit more than your fair share of unsubstantiated nonsense right here. You truly take pomposity and general arse-holery to a whole new level. I'm not going to bother down voting you - you'd simply wear it as a badge of honour.

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word_merchant

Re: Wow...

As could you.

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word_merchant
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"But then again, he is also a software engineer who is not even 30 years old. Damore's CV reveals an extremely privileged existence: a chess champion with a degree from the University of Illinois, a master’s in systems biology from Harvard, an intern at Princeton, a researcher at MIT and then a software engineer at Google. It is a veritable list of elite US establishments.

That life, that existence, has never had to deal first-hand with the inequities that exist for the vast majority of people. He has never had to build an objective, evidence-based argument for something other than programming a logic machine. His understanding of computer code is greater than the vast majority of people on the planet but it has come at a price"

The two paragraphs above - and indeed much of this article - are just as smug and patronising as anything in Damore's rather pompous treatise; how on earth do you know what Damore has or hasn't experienced in his life?

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No, Apple. A 4G Watch is a really bad idea

word_merchant

Re: I'm served, thank you verrymuch

Agree with your choice of the Withings(/Nokia?) Steel HR - it's probably the only smart watch worth getting, providing Withings have fixed the condensation issue that they tried to pass off as a natural occurrence in a watch (hint: it isn't).

But I think smart watches are still very much in the '1970s LED watch' phase of their development - interesting curios but something much better will be along in 3 or so years. The only smart watch I ever really see on my (limited) travels is the Apple Watch. And I find that watch a deeply ugly and lazy design that Ive was either not involved with at all or just phoned in - pun intentional. I'll stick with my mechanical watch for the foreseeable future. It does everything I need a watch to do.

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70% of Windows 10 users are totally happy with our big telemetry slurp, beams Microsoft

word_merchant
Unhappy

Re: I did it another way...

adnxs.com and flashtalking.com are, unsurprisingly, ad parasites. Microsoft is truly vile.

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word_merchant

Re: Yes!

I think it will be rather longer than 2 minutes.

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Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

word_merchant
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Re: My 11 year old

My prediction: He will go far.

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word_merchant

Re: I immediately guessed Greggs

I will aim to be statistically valid. Burp!

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US military gets authority to shoot down citizens' small drones

word_merchant

Good. Drones are a menace, both the flying and the corporate varieties.

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