* Posts by word_merchant

66 posts • joined 9 Jan 2017

Page:

Don't install our buggy Windows 10 Creators Update, begs Microsoft

word_merchant
Facepalm

Ok, it's a deal, Microsoft...

I won't install Windows.

5
1

Hard-pressed Juicero boss defends $400 IoT juicer after squeezing $120m from investors

word_merchant
Thumb Up

The problem is...

...that as IT folk, we're unfortunately very well used to squeezing our own juice out regularly, and having to clear up the sad and lonely mess.

How the Juicero CEO should've sold it, is that whilst it's perfectly possible to do your own squeezing, it's much nicer to have someone else do it for you, even if you have to pay regularly for it. So I'm told.

0
0

Not auf wiedersehen – yet! The Berlin scene tempting Brexit tech

word_merchant

The Berlin scene tempting Brexit tech...

This will be an easier move whilst we're still in Europe, but supposing you move your company to Berlin tomorrow, and in two years time the Article 50 machinations are over, and the UK has properly left Europe. What would be the legal position of your company, your staff and you in Berlin at that point?

Are the German authorities planning to offer a fast track citizenship programme as well?

10
1

Will the MOAB (Mother Of all AdBlockers) finally kill advertising?

word_merchant

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

Container... blah blah blah, DevOps yada yada....

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

<blink>word_merchant - best commentard evah!</blink>

0
1

Half-baked security: Hackers can hijack your smart Aga oven 'with a text message'

word_merchant

Re: Contact

At least 10 attempts were made.

Try texting them. Or one of their ovens.

3
0
word_merchant
Alert

We had a similar hacking problem at Word Merchant Acres

Someone spoke to our head cook and gave her a 'hacked' dinner order. No two-factor authentication or verification protocol in place, so she just went ahead and instructed the kitchen staff to cook rabbit stew when in fact I wanted toad in the hole just like Mummy made. I was very, very cross indeed. Now cooksy has to confirm all menu-based instructions with the butler, which has fixed everything.

So I completely understand what Aga owners are going through, even though I've never set foot below stairs, of course.

0
0

Troll it your way: Burger King ad tries to hijack Google Home gadgets

word_merchant
Happy

Superb!

As someone who doesn't and never will own one of these devices, I find this very, very funny indeed. Beyond funny in fact. Absolutely brilliant, in fact; well done that agency!

5
1

Cyberattacks wipe more than $50bn off big biz value, say beancounters

word_merchant
WTF?

$50bn is small change...

Compared to the collective corporate carnage bloody beancounters have caused over the years. See also: lawyers, consultants.

6
0

Prisoners built two PCs from parts, hid them in ceiling, connected to the state's network and did cybershenanigans

word_merchant
Happy

...But how did they get a screen out?

It's thought that prisoners spent six or so months smuggling out pixels in their underwear.

21
0

FCC kills plan to allow phone calls on planes – good idea or terrible?

word_merchant
Stop

I would even be happy with United Airlines levels of customer service...

...in return for keeping no phone calls on flights. The world is full of stupid self-entitled narcissists blabbing inanities into phones, and us normal people need somewhere away from the horrors of a three hour "yeah but I'm like... and he was like... and I was like reeeeeeeaaaally O.M.G!" public torture session. If these people are allowed to use phones on planes, then I should be allowed to persuade them not to without fear of punishment.

If I had it my way, there'd be no children under the age of 20, no electronic devices and no conversations whatsoever on flights. No exceptions.

2
3

Windows 10 Creators Update general rollout begins with a privacy dialogue

word_merchant
Coffee/keyboard

That installation dialogue in full...

"Microsoft is committed to using your personal data come what may.

Please choose from the following pre-installation privacy options:

[x] upload all my personal data with my permission.

[ ] upload all my personal data without my permission.

[ ] enable SmartBackup(tm) which backs up all my personal data on Microsoft servers.

[x] enable SmartAds(tm) everywhere, based on my personal data.

[ ] don't disable SmartAds(tm) everywhere, based on my personal data.

[x] don't worry me with too much choice. Just do what you think is best.

[yes] [ok] [i love you]"

48
3

Customer satisfaction is our highest priority… OK, maybe second-highest… or third...

word_merchant
Happy

Re: "coffee please"

In Hoxton: "Nice Apple Watch bro, is that the ceramic one? What beard oil are you rocking?"

10
0

Put down your coffee and admire the sheer amount of data Windows 10 Creators Update will slurp from your PC

word_merchant
IT Angle

Along with the serevere and serious privacy issues...

...that others have commented on, how much is all this extra cruft slowing down the machine it runs on?

Just imagine what extra capacity would be available if all Windows 10 did was attempt to run the owner's required software with suitable protection?

9
0

ICO fines 11 big charities over dirty data donor-squeezing deeds

word_merchant
Stop

Stop donating, it makes no sense.

Would you send the CEO of Goldmans £20 per month in an envelope, telling him to spend it on something nice? Probably not.

So why would you give to any large charity where you have no idea what your donation will be used for, and even if it'll be used for anything charitable at all? Your donation probably goes to support yet another tier of pointless middle management. After all, the last thing any cancer charity wants is a cure for cancer. And you can be sure they're working hard to make sure no cure is ever found.

Stop donating to unaccountable charities and their overpaid managers; look after yourself and your family and friends, your pets and your environment, save something for later life, and if you have anything left after that, use it locally and use it wisely.

12
18

Mac Pro update: Apple promises another pricey thing it will no doubt abandon after a year

word_merchant
Paris Hilton

Whatever it is...

...it will be beautiful, slick and expensive.

Paris - because, so's she.

3
0

Teenagers think Doritos are cooler than Apple

word_merchant
Mushroom

Teenagers are idiots...

I should know. I was one once.

7
0

Wi-Fi sex toy with built-in camera fails penetration test

word_merchant
Go

Pam Ayres

I've long been a fan of Pam Ayres, haven't we all, so I feel moved to write a poem to hopefully capture how she would've commented on this story. Here we are:

I got my girl a Siime

To use under her slacks.

She used it up front,

She used it round the back.

It saved my soul

When I was feeling knacked,

I'd fire up my iPad,

And watch the attack.

One day around nine,

She put her Siime

Where the sun doesn't shine,

I was close to getting mine.

I was having a whack,

When I read in The Reg,

That the Siime could be hacked,

My composure was cracked,

So I pulled up my pants,

And put on a bet,

That most of the net,

Had seen her all wet*

(* in the shower of course)

10
0
word_merchant
Thumb Up

Re: Rooted via back door

Re. Slime Eye - me too. That's all I can see when I read the article. And I now can't unsee it.

8
0

Alabama man gets electrocuted after sleeping with iPhone

word_merchant
Facepalm

Hopefully he'll decide not to breed

Because the world doesn't need to be any more stupid.

6
0

Reg now behind invisible HTML5 Bitcoin paywall

word_merchant
Trollface

Tappable, please. And the effect is very pleasing.

2
3

Is your iOS app piling on weight? Blame Xcode 8.3: We shed light on Apple's bloat riddle

word_merchant
Go

I can't help thinking that one or more of Blockchain, DevOps, IOT, The Cloud, Trump, Article 50 and being able to tweet from your watch will somehow solve all of this.

3
0

Creators Update gives Windows 10 a bit of an Edge, but some old annoyances remain

word_merchant
Happy

As a non-Windows user, this is getting funnier and funnier.

37
5
word_merchant
Thumb Up

Ads in Explorer?

If I was head of marketing at Ubuntu, I'd try and get my ads into Explorer asap.

This will get hacked to buggery, and the results will be hilarious.

17
0

Windows 10 Creators Update: Clearing the mines with livestock (that's you by the way)

word_merchant

The full set of release editions...

The full set of Windows 10 release editions is:

- BOATI - Bend Over And Take It - the standard consumer edition.

- OBNF - Old Bugs Never Fixed - the slower moving corporate edition.

- IBIO - Installed By Idiots Only - the fast track beta channel edition.

- LINUX - (not an acronym) - the stable edition that people should actually be using.

15
4

ZX Spectrum Vega Plus backers complain of months-long refund delays

word_merchant
Thumb Up

404

Slightly ironic that the first time I tried to post a comment, I got a 404 from El Reg.

I still think the Vega Plus will turn up in some shape or form - one day.

2
1

Microsoft wants screaming Windows fans, not just users

word_merchant
Stop

Here's my feedback to Microsoft

Just fuck off.

18
4

Boffins name 12 new types of cloud in first Cloud Atlas since 1986

word_merchant
Thumb Up

13. Azure Cloud - a cloud of ever changing dimensions and density that turns up where you least expect it, and swiftly vanishes when you actually want some rain.

2
0

London councils seek assurance over Capita's India offshoring plans

word_merchant
Facepalm

...they will not be affected by its plans to offshore jobs to India...

I believe the correct internet response is LOL, ROFL.

If you've never seen coding by India's finest, you owe it to yourself to take a look... from a suitable distance. It's either hilarious or horrifying depending on whether it's an enemy or a friend of yours that has to clear up the mess.

This will not end well.

6
0

Microsoft cloud TITSUP: Skype, Outlook, Xbox, OneDrive, Hotmail down

word_merchant
Unhappy

Here we go.

We're all just going to have to get used to this. I've been in IT for a while, and I've always strived to build software that works, keeps working or at the very least provides meaningful diagnostics that pass the '3am test' if things do go wrong.

We accepted unreliability from early versions of Windows - after all it was Microsoft, the problems were local and machines could be swiftly be rebooted. Then we all got real operating systems everywhere and things really just started to work. Even Windows.

Now in some ways we've come full circle - the unreliability is back again, but we've got out of the habit of coding around it or providing useful diagnostics. Even worse - the unreliable machines are no longer ours, and can no longer be rebooted quickly to correct problems. And even worse is that the generation of junior developers coming into the industry think that's just how things are, that you can hack anything together given 48 hours and enough Pizza.

Experienced people are being managed out of companies to save money, and so much outsourcing has happened that no-one's truly sure or really cares who's responsible for what any more.

We are going to see some terrible outcomes from all this and we're going to see them soon.

7
0

Adobe buddies up with Microsoft for new ways to mine your data

word_merchant
FAIL

This is like Fagin and the Child Catcher opening a children's home.

7
0

Samsung's Bixby totally isn't a Siri ripoff because look – it'll go in phones, TVs, fridges, air con...

word_merchant
FAIL

I don't trust Samsung...

...at all.

3
0

Hell freezes over: We wrote an El Reg chatbot using Microsoft's AI

word_merchant
Thumb Up

If you're truly brave...

...you'll give the Reg Chatbot (perhaps to be called Reggie?) its own forum account and we'll see if it makes any more sense and is any more reasonable than the rest of us.

12
0

Spammy Google Home spouts audio ads without warning – now throw yours in the trash

word_merchant
Facepalm

I could see this coming...

Presumably amazon is watching carefully for when it can do the same thing.

9
0

Dormant Linux kernel vulnerability finally slayed

word_merchant

Re: Slayed?

Or maybe "fixed"?

13
0

Fire brigade called to free man's bits from titanium ring's grip

word_merchant
Alien

I was advised by a Hatton garden jewellers not to get a titanium wedding ring because if you damage your hand/finger and the ring needs cutting off due to swelling (stop sniggering!) most hospitals don't have the necessary equipment.

8
0

Why is the Sinclair ZX Spectrum Vega+ project so delayed?

word_merchant
Pint

0/0

Backing any Indiegogo project is always a complete gamble and should be considered akin to putting money in a slot machine. Never use money you can't afford to lose.

I'm a backer of this project and to be honest, given the Sinclair branding I fully expected the finished article to be late and not entirely like the original advertising. Part of the charm really. So maybe I'll receive one maybe not. But not worth getting too angry about.

30
0

Boffins Rickroll smartphone by tickling its accelerometer

word_merchant
IT Angle

Daily Mail version - with same amount of useful content as this article

Music Makes Phones EXPLODE!

* ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS are using this life hack to reduce house prices in YOUR area.

* Playing music at the phone in your POCKET gives you CANCER.

* Rock a hot dress like our all grown up model at Femail Fashion Finder.

* Samsung and Apple CONTINUE to sell these DANGEROUS phones NEAR YOU.

* MPs do nothing.

<...picture of young woman holding phone and laughing...>

Comments 92,285

KeepEmOut - Milton Keynes

"I saw an immigrant fella once. He was on benefits, taking our jobs and eating our children. Then, while he was fitting a new kitchen for the missus, I put Ed Sheeran on, his phone exploded and my house price fell by 50 big ones. Scum. Trump is right."

...

0
0

Can you ethically suggest a woman pursue a career in tech?

word_merchant

Small correction

People treasure narcissism, one-upmanship, and a constant stream of puerile stimulation to hide the barren emptiness within. Our smartphone-centered culture is proof of that.

2
0

Microsoft to close its social network on a week's notice – and SIX people complain

word_merchant
Thumb Up

Hey bae So.cl user <3

...and so on...

0
0

After 20 years of Visual Studio, Microsoft unfurls its 2017 edition

word_merchant

"Just one wafer-thin mint?"

Springs to mind.

11
0

Amazon S3-izure cause: Half the web vanished because an AWS bod fat-fingered a command

word_merchant
Thumb Up

It's a super awesome convenience...

You could take down Bing or Yahoo! any time you like and for as long as you like for "maintenance" and pretty much no-one would ever notice. In fact, why not just leave them down and free up some server space?

2
1

Passport and binary tree code, please: CompSci quizzes at US border just business as usual

word_merchant

This is sad...

...because the general view I'm reading here (and elsewhere) is to not visit the US until things have had the chance to settle down. It's hard to honesty know whether Trump is as bad as everyone says, if he's just irritated the usual incumbents who were expecting everything to go their own way eternally, or if it's a combination of the two. But whatever the reason, the US is in turmoil.

5
0

Up close with the 'New Psion' Gemini: Specs, pics, and genesis of this QWERTY pocketbook

word_merchant

Re: 18:9?

18:9 is clearly much bigger than 2:1. In fact at least 8 times bigger. I can't believe I had to point that out.

11
0

Licence-fee outsourcer Capita caught wringing BBC tax from vulnerable

word_merchant
Thumb Down

Scum

This ^^^

6
0

The Psion returns! Meet Gemini, the 21st century pocket computer

word_merchant
Happy

Backed!

As an ex-Psion owner finding this made my day. Now backed (with leather case).

Couldn't quite stretch to the gold plated edition, alas.

Thanks El Reg! Here's hoping they can deliver...

2
0

BlackBerry's comeback: El Reg gets its claws on the QWERTY KEYone

word_merchant
Thumb Up

New internet law needed...

As we have Godwin's Law fhat pertains to Hitler, I hereby propose Word Merchant's law that states:

"As discussion of a new product grows more heated and less relevant to the actual product, the probability of a contributor basing their argument erroneously on a comparison of VHS and Betamax, and how the wrong format won, approaches 1."

6
0

Finally proof that Apple copies Samsung: iPhone 7 Plus halts, catches fire like a Galaxy Note 7

word_merchant
Thumb Down

F A K E N E W S !

Because the alternative, that Apple is not perfect, is too distressing to contemplate.

0
0

In colossal shock, Uber alleged to be wretched hive of sexism, craven managerial ass-covering

word_merchant
Thumb Down

HR

Her first mistake was going to HR.

HR is usually the largest department in any medium+ sized company, and is populated almost entirely by bored, slightly stupid and generally spiteful women who just want a 9-5 easy life with no boat-rocking whatsoever. If you take any problem to HR they will side with (in this very crucial order):

1. Whoever is most senior.

2. Whoever is most like them.

HR, despite being usually 95% women, generally don't side with women - it's the HR function who is largely responsible for the glass ceiling after all.

HR is not there to represent the workforce - the clue is in their title - Human Resources. HR is there to self-perpetuate its own existence and to act as a buffer between workers and senior managers. That's all.

She did the best thing: she left.

Sometimes if you tread in dog crap, you just have to wipe it off your shoe and walk on.

6
2

Nokia's 3310 revival – what's NEXT? Vote now

word_merchant
Thumb Up

Re: Not the compact cassette.

"...just the superb Agenda..."

Agreed. Not found a better calendar application to this day.

9
0

Talk of tech innovation is bullsh*t. Shut up and get the work done – says Linus Torvalds

word_merchant
Coffee/keyboard

Re: Or, in the vernacular ...

Or in the US:

Trump running all code...

0
0

Page:

Forums

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2017