* Posts by Chris Jasper

71 posts • joined 13 Aug 2007


HMRC: We 'rigorously tested' IR35 tax-check tool... but have almost nothing to show for it

Chris Jasper

Honest Guv'nor, we tested it good an' proper

Are you sure your disc drive has stopped rotating, or are you just ignoring the messages?

Chris Jasper

Technical Project Staff

You know you are on to a loser when you get sent a screenshot from the supposedly technical staff installing a system that needs to email HR type notices asking why the system wont connect to your mail servers and the screenshot clearly states "Unable to connect, please use an authenticated account".

This went on for 3 months and they still hadn't figured it out despite myself and several others explaining the problem, in writing as well (which may have been further grist for non comprehension since reading comprehension seemed to be part of the issue), I finally left the company and as far as I know the system still cant send emails......

Begone, Demon Internet: Vodafone to shutter old-school pioneer ISP

Chris Jasper

Demon, blimey....

Long live Bogomip!!

Manchester man fined £1,440 after neighbours couldn't open windows for stench of dog toffee

Chris Jasper

I would guess not far...

Deliveroo to bike food to hungry fanbois queuing to buy iPhones

Chris Jasper


...If you can afford to take that much time off work, assuming you are poor enough to have to work, in order to queue to buy a phone that costs half a months wages for someone on reasonable pay then I guess you can afford the markup on Deliveroo.

Sysadmin trained his offshore replacements, sat back, watched ex-employer's world burn

Chris Jasper

Re: WTF?

Had the dubious pleasure of recovering from one of the service desk guys doing this to the IT ou (in the days before you could protect objects from accidental deletion, small company so sd had more rights than absolutely necessary), it was a very long time spent hoping my miraculously still logged in pc didn't lose power.

People are that stupid.

Chris Jasper

Booby traps not necessary

The majority of places I've worked where this kind of thing happened, (including my current one) don't really require leaving nasty surprises behind, the environments are usually so complex and full of legacy equipment and systems that you just can't do knowledge transfer in enough detail without literally downloading your head to the net.

Takes years to acquire all that local knowledge, can't be transferred in 3 Skype sessions....

British egg producers saddened by Google salad emoji update

Chris Jasper

Somebody think of the poor eggs


What could Facebook possibly do next to reassure privacy fears? Yup – make a dating app

Chris Jasper


Given some of the friend recommendations I get on FB, this is a terrible idea

IETF: GDPR compliance means caring about what's in your logfiles

Chris Jasper

People like the purveyors of Splunk will be popular...............

Secret weekend office bonk came within inch of killing sysadmin

Chris Jasper

Turned up for work one day about, wow 20 years ago, to find no-one in the IT Office, one of the officey types said they had all sprinted down to the basement shortly before.

Turns out there had been a major flood and the basement server room was 8 inches deep with black water that was only made blacker by the lack of lighting. Lots of power cables trailing in the water which I naively agreed to help lift out and place on higher platforms.

In hindsight, I was pretty stupid and thoughtless back then.

It took us less than 30 seconds to find banned 'deepfake' AI smut on the internet

Chris Jasper

Still not entirely certain why you would want to put someone else's face on a porn scene, also not certain why you had to go looking for it to write this article?

No Windows 10, no Office 2019, says Microsoft

Chris Jasper

Fine by me

Took me ages to learn Office 2010 as it is, and using Office 2016 for work is a right pain, especially if you haven't disabled the god awful hardware graphics 'acceleration' on a laptop that isnt exactly a powerhouse.

Kentucky lawmaker pushes smut filter law (update: maybe not)

Chris Jasper

Those who shout the loudest...........

..........usually have the most to hide

YouTuber cements head inside microwave oven

Chris Jasper

Re: Twat

"Would you stick your head in a gas oven?"

"Yeah, I saw some guy do it on YouTube the other day, it was mint!"

At least books required you to read, these days phones come with a youtube icon.....

Chris Jasper

Re: Twat

Sadly I think you're right and that we can expect a lot more entries

Chris Jasper


YouTube has a lot to answer for in providing a platform for attention seeking twats

Connected and self-driving cars are being sent to Coventry

Chris Jasper

RE: Article picture

"You made a self-driving car? Out of a DeLorean??"

UK Home Sec thinks a Minority Report-style AI will prevent people posting bad things

Chris Jasper

Science Fiction is wonderful

For the love of God, who gave her a Netflix login?

Harry Potter to get the Pokémon GO treatment

Chris Jasper

Repair bills

For iPhones used as a wand to throw spells that slip out of the little darlings hands.....

Chinese whispers: China shows off magnetic propulsion engine for ultra-silent subs, ships

Chris Jasper

The big question..

..does it sound like Whales humping?

Twitter: Why we silenced Rose McGowan after she slammed alleged sex pest Harvey Weinstein

Chris Jasper

So she was suspended for posting a private phone number, funny how they didn't suspend Trump for posting Lindsay Graham's number a little while back then..............?

Star Wars: Big Euro cinema group can't handle demand for tickets to new flick

Chris Jasper

It is only a film ya know?

But fair play, Cineworld should have anticipated the extra load.

Pre-order your early-bird pre-sale product today! (Oh did we mention the shipping date has slipped AGAIN?)

Chris Jasper

Vega Plus

Funny, if you go to the retro computers site they are still insisting the Vega will be out, most recent post was 9/8/2017 (not sure if that is UK or American date format?).

If it's a scam they are still going for it.

Vibrating walls shafted servers at a time the SUN couldn't shine

Chris Jasper


Worked at a place some time ago where the main file server was Novell and had constantly failing drives, replacing at least 1 a month with severe issues and cost waiting for engineers, rebuilding raid etc.

No-one could figure out why until we put a few disparate pieces of info together.

The office had flats all around it and a big aircon unit on the roof, turned out the locals were complaining about the noise overnight so the security guard was switching it off each night and back on again in the mornings before anyone turned up for work.

The drives heating up and cooling down were failing due to thermal stress.

Said guard had a stern talking to and the locals had to suck it up until the server room was relocated sometime after.

BOFH: We're only here because they said there would be biscuits

Chris Jasper


People get biscuits?


Veritas shrinks Sydney office, slashes 60-something support staff

Chris Jasper

Support offshoring

If India and Pakistan ever lose it and start lobbing nukes at each other, there goes all the world's tech support.....

Boffin wins (Ig) Nobel prize asking if cats can be liquid

Chris Jasper

Vagina speaker?

As if talking directly to a woman's breasts wasnt bad enough...........

Surfacegate: Microsoft execs 'misled Nadella', claims report

Chris Jasper

Re: Microsoft lying about surface?

I spent all this time thinking the e was some kind of symbol for get firefox or get chrome, who knew?

Robocall scumbags already target Hurricane Harvey victims

Chris Jasper

Re: Welcome to America!

Trump pledges $1 million dollars for relief funds, funny how he offered $5 million for Obama's 'real' birth certificate.......

Linus Torvalds passed a kidney stone and then squeezed out Linux 4.13

Chris Jasper

7 hours of agony sounds about right

Fair play, kidney stones are frickin' agonizing

'Driverless' lorry platoons will soon be on a motorway near you

Chris Jasper

Re: Good braking

What happens if God forbid a child manages to dash out in front of lorry number 3?

South London: Rats! The rodents have killed the internet

Chris Jasper

Happened a few years ago along Regent Street, I think some fool left a cap off a cable sleeve and the rats got in and had a feast, took out main internet for a few weeks as they wouldn't get in and repair it until the rats were dealt with first.

Cant say I blame them really, but 3 weeks running email on a backup 1mb colt line was painful as hell.......

Hell desk to user: 'I know you're wrong. I wrote the software. And the protocol it runs on'

Chris Jasper

Over the last couple of years, every bloody working day............

Chris Jasper

Re: HR Fail

I was working at a smaller company a few years back and we got bought out by a bigger one who had outsourced support via IBM, one of our regular helpdesk guys was going through a bunch of things on a call to help out a user when he felt a prod in his back, which he at first ignored, followed by more vigorous prodding.

Turned out to be the new Service Desk manager poking him and telling him to stop the call as he was helping too much and taking too long.

Service indeed.....

The ultimate full English breakfast – have your SAY

Chris Jasper

The ideal full English

2x Smoked Back Bacon

2x Cumberland Sausage

1 Fried Egg

2 Slice's Black Pudding

Peeled Plum Tomato's


1 Black Coffee

2x Toast, buttered for the egg yolk

And peace and quiet

BOFH: That's right. Turn it off. Turn it on

Chris Jasper

So, so true

Perfectly encapsulates the experience.

Well done.

Microsoft boasted it had rebuilt Skype 'from the ground up'. Instead, it should have buried it

Chris Jasper

Skype Adverts

I'd settle for not getting those bloody popup ads for Skype and how great it is every time I open up Windows 10

Shock: NASA denies secret child sex slave cannibal colony on Mars

Chris Jasper


It's a word that you dont see much but is perfectly fitting for some people.

Complete wackadoodle.........

You'll soon be buying bulgur wheat salad* from Amazon, after it swallowed Whole Foods

Chris Jasper

Ummmm, it's Bulgur

'My PC needs to lose weight' says user with FAT filesystem

Chris Jasper

Re: Giving the users what they ask for......

We just finally killed our bes servers, the one remaining user had 2 alternate iPhones and 3 iPads but her Blackberry was 'Essential'.


User loses half of a CD-ROM in his boss's PC

Chris Jasper

Dangerous CD's

I dont trust CD's and DVD's in a PC in the slightest.

On more than one occasion I've had them spin up and shatter in the drive, turning them into high speed shrapnel that fires out of the front of the machine fortunately narrowly missing me but on one such hitting someone behind me in the back of the head.

Deeply glad they are dying out in favour of flash storage and cloud.

Waiter? There's a mouse in my motherboard and this server is greasy!

Chris Jasper

Re: I'm not surprised in the slightest

I can attest to this, just lost half a stone thanks to a greasy kebab

Microsoft kills Windows Vista on April 11: No security patches, no hot fixes, no support, nada

Chris Jasper

I remember going to a Microsoft presentation for a release of Exchange after Windows 7 had been released and the MS staff there all referred to Vista as "A previous Microsoft operating system", turns out they were not allowed to say Vista which we all twigged in a few minutes and spent the rest of the session trying to get any of them to utter the word.

Good times,,,,

The Psion returns! Meet Gemini, the 21st century pocket computer

Chris Jasper

Sinclair'ey stuff

Looks great, lets hope it's more successful than the Vega Plus has been so far, anyone seen an actual release date for that recently?

Nokia's 3310 revival – what's NEXT? Vote now

Chris Jasper

ZX81 with the rampak stuck on with white tack to stop it crashing the beast every time you jogged the table

Grumpy Trump trumped, now he's got the hump: Muslim ban beaten back by appeals court

Chris Jasper

So how long before a CIA run "Terrorist" attack on the US do we think?

Who do you want to be Who? VOTE for the BBC's next Time Lord

Chris Jasper

Rowan Atkinson in all seriousness


Chris Jasper


But I dont really think anything would be as funny as the real world right now............

Stop replying! pleads NetApp customer stuck in reply-allpocalypse

Chris Jasper


The worse problem is the smartasses who think they have the most original jokes to take the mickey out of the originator of the reply all.......


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