* Posts by Ian Emery

1545 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

Please replace the sword, says owner of now-hollow stone

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

How long by horseback to London??

When should we expect our new king to reach the capital and declare himself??

Paris?? Well, she has had more than a few pork swords pulled out of her.........

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Microsoft concedes to Mozilla: Redmond will point web API docs at Moz Dev Network

Ian Emery
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Happy

Re: Documentation simply isn't cool.

Hang on while I make a record of that response.

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Drone smacks commercial passenger plane in Canada

Ian Emery
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Angel

Re: The drone was goose operated.

If only I could upvote that a billion times.

Thank you, you made a very sick man laugh.

(Sick in both meanings of the word)

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Gartner says back-to-school PC sales failed. IDC says they worked

Ian Emery
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Re: Two men say they're Jesus

AH, west end girls.

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Is that a bulge in your pocket or... do you have an iPhone 8+? Apple's batteries look swell

Ian Emery
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Joke

Not entirely Apple's fault

Like in Dog/Cat years, tech moves fast; smart phones have been around long enough that they are starting to show signs of middle-aged spread.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Anyone going to talk about the issue being reported?

I am guessing you are a fanboi from the number of incorrectly spelled words in your missive.

Tiny thoughts please tiny minds

Tiny trousers fit tiny behinds.

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How much for that Belkin cable? Margin of 1,992%?

Ian Emery
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Re: Pissy Weird purchase by any chance??

No, it is an Epson; the model number has rubbed off, but I think it was a 6500 ?? We got the first one with our first Win95 office box.

I had two*, with the slide/negative adapters; to this day it is as fast at standard dpi speeds than my Epson Workforce AIO, or any of the newer, dedicated scanners I have lying around.

For day to day, I use the Workforce (because it has an auto-feed system), but for photos I use the old one, as the colour correction is better.

*My sister broke the one - god knows how; probably yelled at it; the same way she yelled at her PC and killed the HDD.

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Ian Emery
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Pissy Weird purchase by any chance??

Years back I had to source a 2m SCSI cable for a scanner; the above only had 0.5m in stock for £28; they would ORDER a 2m cable, but wouldnt give me a price.

I needed it in a hurry, so drove 5 miles to a computer fair, where a 2m cable (still in use today*) cost me £8.

* Still in use because, although the scanner barely works with WinXP, it is the BEST scanner I have ever come across - and built like a nuclear bunker.

(The most modern driver for it was Win98SE).

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Azure fell over for 7 hours in Europe because someone accidentally set off the fire extinguishers

Ian Emery
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"between 1327 and 2015"

Nearly 700 years, is this a new outage record for M$??

(Yes, yes, I know, feeble joke).

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Oath-my-God: THREE! BILLION! Yahoo! accounts! hacked! in! 2013! – not! 'just!' 1bn!

Ian Emery
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Once again

I will mention, as I did for the previous stories about the estimates on account breaches; that at the time I suggested they were lying, as EVERYONE I knew with a Yahoo account had it hacked back in 2013.

I STILL get relayed emails from my old account, even though I lost control of it at the time; and at no point have I ever received an email from Yahoo telling me that my account had been hacked.

I suggest it isnt a case of "just found out", but more "we have just been found out".

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Home Sec Amber Rudd: Yeah, I don't understand encryption. So what?

Ian Emery
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Terminator

Re: A blonde , female, politician

Sorry, I missed off the joke icon; my brain meds make me a bit fuzzy in the mornings.

As for the humour level - each to their own; after my brain surgery I will be wearing a "T" shirt says Hnk If Yuv had brian sugery"; I expect some people wont find that funny either; but to me (and many others) humour is a coping mechanism.

It is either bad jokes or despair at how totally brain dead our entire, power grubbing, small minded, political elite have become.

(The icon is how I feel right now)

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

Commodore 64 makes a half-sized comeback

Ian Emery
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I predict

It will all turn out to be vapourware.

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Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

Re: Look in the loft

CPC was crap when it came out, believe me, I had to teach my mum how to use it one weekend - so she could teach some lecturers on Monday morning how to teach their students on Monday afternoon.

(Typical training centre balls-up).

I did at least get free photo copier privileges for my Star Fleet Battles addiction.

The nearest we have to a Nostalgia" icon.

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HPE coughed up source code for Pentagon's IT defenses to ... Russia

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Все ваши письма принадлежат нам

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There's a way to dodge Fasthosts' up-to-160% domain renewal hike but you're not gonna like it

Ian Emery
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Gimp

Since no one else has mentioned it.

The wholesale price of a .co.uk address is currently around £4; I doubt the others are much more, if ANY more.; so they are minting it.

Gimp, because you have to be one if you put up with price gouging (hence it being named fanboi).

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Vibrating walls shafted servers at a time the SUN couldn't shine

Ian Emery
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Re: Been there done that

I have also been there, done that.

As an apprentice, I was asked to pull the fuses from a gantry crane; so I pulled the isolator, opened the box and unbolted the HUGE fuses with a spanner and pulled them out.

When the guy bossing me came to look he went white as a sheet; the isolator had been wired the wrong way round, and I had pulled those fuses while everything was live.

They had to shut down the sub station feeding the factory and re-wire the isolator to make it safe.

600V 300Amps I seem to remember.

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Microsoft downplays alarm over Windows Defender 'flaw'

Ian Emery
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Stating the obvious

Win Defender isnt that good.

Bears go for jobbies in the woods.

Pope probably not a Jew.

Trumpos Mentis probably means the opposite of Compos Mentis.

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NatWest customer services: We're aware of security glitch

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Had simi9lar issues

Trying to op[en a new account with them 2 months ago; it didnt matter how many times they reset the password for us, it kept saying we were entering the wrong password.

In the end this, and their total inability to understand that someone born in China might actually be a UK citizen, made us go elsewhere.

Still waiting for that Norman Muntz icon.

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Cops shut 28k sites flogging knock-off footie kits and other tat

Ian Emery
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"other tat"

Is this why B&Q's website kept crashing to the ground this afternoon ??

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The award for worst ISP goes to... it starts with Talk and ends with Talk

Ian Emery
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"DaveMellor

Average speed of 16+ Mbits - in my dreams.

Says a customer with EE!"

There, fixed that embarrassing mistake for you.

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Ian Emery
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Re: yeah....try this ISP

You might have you B's and your b's mixed up. 7MB = 56Mb, which is quite good.

(line speeds are always quoted in b (bits), and not B (bytes); 1B = 8b

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NBD: Adobe just dumped its private PGP key on the internet

Ian Emery
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Time for a change.

It is high time the "Fail" emoticon was replaced by Nelson Muntz pointing his finger.

Ha HA !!!

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Sysadmin tells user CSI-style password guessing never w– wait WTF?! It's 'PASSWORD1'!

Ian Emery
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Joke

My default password is "密码", if numbers are required it is "密码123"

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Ian Emery
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Re: "They looked for the password on the CD . . ."

Had this with TSB after the de-merger from Lloyds.

Went in and filled all the forms and gave them all the documents to copy.

Got nothing back for 2 weeks so went in to ask; and got told they had sent it to the wrong department by mistake.

Had 2nd set of documents made.

2 weeks later and nothing, so in we go again; oh sorry, we made a mistake and accidentally shredded them.

Set no. 3 is duly produced, and again we wait.......

2 weeks later, sorry, we have no record of your application; would you like to make one??

Oh PISS OFF!!!!

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Manchester plod still running 1,500 Windows XP machines

Ian Emery
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Re: It old bastards

err, could I point out XP IS a 21st century operating system.

As for Manchester, give them SOME slack, they only invented the wheel up there a couple of years ago, and were still burning witches at the stake the last time I looked.

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UK Prime Minister calls on internet big beasts to 'auto-takedown' terror pages within 2 HOURS

Ian Emery
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Trump Prediction

Germany = 2 days

UK = 2 hours.

Trump is going to announce 2 minutes.

Of course China, with more than 1 million operatives monitoring everything its citizens say on line already has it down to an average of 2 seconds.

But what really saddens me is the quality of commentards these days; an obviously futile gesture, yet no references to Kanute or the tide.

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Black screen of death after Win10 update? Microsoft blames HP

Ian Emery
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Flame

As much as I hate slurp.

THIS time I am going to blame HP; for no other reason than their STUPID custom BIOS.

The HP cpu and case fans in my USFF were too noisy, so I replaced them with expensive QUIET fans, that blow more air, but at a much lower RPM.

HP BIOS doesnt like that, so it SWITCHED THE FANS OFF WITHOUT WARNING, and cooked my cpu.

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AMD Ryzen beats Intel Core i7 as a heater (that's also a server)

Ian Emery
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Re: Computers are heaters, that's a good thing.

One of the last places I worked, before I quit the trade forever; I drew up a proposal to replace all the 1KW exterior/workbay halogen lighting - which was on 24/7, 6 1/2 days per week; with low pressure sodium.

The proposal had a breakdown of the current cost of running the halogen, the cost of replacing the elements and light boxes (usually had to do the latter because the heat melted the alu boxes), and compared them with the cost of the LPS boxes, expected lifetime of the boxes and the elements, and the cost of running them.

The conclusion was that the total cost of buying and installing them would pay for itself in SEVEN months.

The boss looked at it, called me a smartarse, and threw it in the bin.

We produced so much heat, that even in the coldest winter, we had all the windows open and worked in shorts; yet the offices used electric heaters and electric water heaters.

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HSBC biz banking crypto: The case of the vanishing green padlock and... what domain are we on again?

Ian Emery
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To be fair to HSBC.

They do at least understand that someone born in China might possibly have a UK passport.

I spent 3 months trying to hammer that into Natwest.

(Account application for my wife)

Place of Birth = blah, blah, China

Please provide copy of your Chinese passport.

I am a naturalised UK citizen, here is my UK passport.

Please provide a copy of your Chinese passport.

China doesnt allow dual citizenship, here is my UK passport.

Please provide your Chinese passport.

I DONT HAVE A FRIGGING CHINESE PASSPORT, I AM A UK CITIZEN!!!

Please provide your Chinese passport.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!

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Indian call centre scammers are targeting BT customers

Ian Emery
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Joke

Re: Was "Windows Support"

But never again. Is that because there is no hope for someone with Windows 10?

There, fixed that for you.

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Ian Emery
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Re: You're nicked, me old son

Real Police cars are even harder to spot when not in service, they have a post-it sized note to the effect put on the windscreen ( I used to deliver the cars from the Vauxhall Fleet depots to the Police workshops)

Great fun doing 65 down the middle lane of the motorway and DARING anyone to overtake you.

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Ian Emery
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FAIL

In reply,

Because it has been going on since the day after the first call centre opened there*; reports about it have been published year after year, but do any UK companies give a shit??

Only when it hits them in the wallet.. and even then they have very short memories.

*Workers being paid £100 per month were being offered £1,000 per time to smuggle out the days data files.

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Ian Emery
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Re: The solution

"NHS hospital phone me via a withheld number".... there, fixed that for you.

At least the NHS has the OPTION to unblock cli on outgoing calls, apparently the Police dont, so any cli blocked call claiming to be the Police may actually BE the Police.

I have managed to get the NHS to sent text reminders, as they wont read the line on my notes that says "All masked calls are refused", so I missed loads of appointments - and also turned up for appointments they tried to cancel at T minus 60 minutes.

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Microsoft's fix for web graphics going AWOL? Disable your antivirus

Ian Emery
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IE8 diehard

Well, I need it to access my local council website, read the mail they send me. or access certain parts of the Chinese UK embassy website that wont work with anything newer.

Seriously, my local council AND county council still send out emails and "M$Office" forms coded with dangerous activeX scripts everyone else banned 10 years ago. Some of it contains so many active scripts, you need M$Office 2008 (or earlier) just to read them - plain text readers cant make head nor tale of it.

As for M$ saying disable AV, well, if you are using IE, you are probably also using M$ Defender - and we all know how effective THAT is - no one will be able to tell if it is running or not.

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China claims to have turbine-powered drone carrying 200kg payload

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Here is my take on the use of the word "Drone"

Since the Chinese government see all their subjects as drones, it would be perfectly logical (to them), to call any human directed aircraft a drone.

(Praying my Chinese wife doesnt read this; I am not sure if she works for the Chinese secret service or not.)

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Singapore court awards $2.9m over bad job reference

Ian Emery
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X never worked for us, although we employed them for 6 years.

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Months after breach at the 'UnBank' Ffrees, customers complain: No one told us

Ian Emery
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FAIL

People are too stupid to do the right thing

The right thing being a boycott of companies that try to hide the failures that expose their customers, instead of trying to protect their customers.

In an ideal world, this would either force the badly behaving companies out of business, or scare them into doing the right thing; sadly though, we have the example of Talk Talk, where multiple MASSIVE breaches have meant only a temporary drop in idiots signing up with them.

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The cheek of it! Beach bar owner shoots nude bather in the booty

Ian Emery
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Re: i have to say the bloke was lucky

I have to also say that guy was lucky; if he did it in the UK, there would have been 200 armed police storming the pub within the hour.

(unless there was a doughnut spillage nearby).

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OpenAI bot bursts into the ring, humiliates top Dota 2 pro gamer in 'scary' one-on-one bout

Ian Emery
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Coat

Beating the AI

Were rubber cloaks , or powdered gold involved in any way??

mines the one with the sonic screwdriver in the pocket.

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Tech billionaire Khosla loses battle over public beach again – and still grants no access

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

All you really need

Is an army surplus tank, a surf board and some suncream.

Just keep knocking that gate down every time he gets it rebuilt.

Hanker

(please substitute a "W" for the "H" above, as I dont want to upset the sear filters).

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TalkTalk fined £100k for exposing personal sensitive info

Ian Emery
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Joke

control key down and press letter R

Does it do anything with pirate copies??

ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!

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Can the last person watching desktop video please turn out the light?

Ian Emery
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Re: I have blocked via noscript

I have ditched ABP+, the latest few updates had slowed my browser to a crawl; having switched it off, I found Noscript was doing pretty much the same job - and more effectively.

Unless it is a site I know needs active scripts - and I trust that site - I dont see any adverts or videos - even then, many of these videos/ads are actually fetched from a 3rd party, so even if I "trust" the main website, the video/ad still gets blocked - perhaps that is what is really going on - and not the bolloxs the story suggests.

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If we're in a simulation, someone hit it with a hammer, please: Milky Way spews up to 100 MEELLLION black holes

Ian Emery
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IT Angle

Calm down man.

We're doomed I tell yer, DOOOOOOOOOMED!!!!

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70% of Windows 10 users are totally happy with our big telemetry slurp, beams Microsoft

Ian Emery
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Re: Still not going there

"Windows 7 and 8 updates now contain telemetry - not as much as Windows 10 though."

Anyone smart enough to stop their system being "upgraded" to M$ Spyware10 should also have been smart enough to block the attempts to port the spyware onto Win7 - and possibly Win8.

As for the 70% being fine, the word you are looking for is sheeple; even when you tell them how much of their private data M$ is slurping, they either dont care, or dont believe you; besides, they have already given most of it to FarceBook, Twatter, and InstantGran.

The latest Win10 saga is that it is deleting and/or blocking programs without warning; several complaints every week on the LOTRO forums.

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Core-blimey! Intel's Core i9 18-core monster – the numbers

Ian Emery
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Re: Intel's Core i9 revealed to reach 36 cores. Not.

I agree whole heartedly, AMD had a range of chips that shared the memory system between pairs of cores; it was called FX, and it was a pile of shit compared to its predecessor the Phenom II, ESPECIALLY for gamers

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Small biz breaks out pen, paper after Brit tax collectors' Digital Form Service goes down

Ian Emery
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I got the same message when I tried to log in over a week ago; something smells, and it isnt my feet.

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Another day, another British Airways systems screwup causes chaos

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: BA think they're competing with RyanAir

No, no, no. They are competing with the government department responsible for the flood defences in Upton Upon Severn.

The town has just been severely effected by flooding, despite millions spent on flood defence systems, why??

Because they dont keep the critical components stored locally, and the lorries carrying them got stuck in the holiday traffic on the M5 until it was too late to fit them!!!

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'Real' people want govts to spy on them, argues UK Home Secretary

Ian Emery
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Rudd Discovers you can hide information in jpgs.

Expect a ban on kitten pics in the very near future.

My message to the rebel alliance is below.

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/a0/f2/a9/a0f2a9ae655628dd3bb59955a3e9d545--cute-kitten-quotes-cute-kitten-pictures.jpg

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Arcade Fire releases album on USB fidget spinner for £79/$105

Ian Emery
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RPM??

Do you have to spin it at 33 or 45 rpm to get the music to play??

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