* Posts by Ian Emery

1818 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

How many Reg columnists does it take to turn off a lightbulb?

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Long way around the barn!

Boots Advantage cards also come in handy when you find your 14 month old can out-run you, a store detective and two other members of staff and leg it out of the store with a TY monkey

Cost me 800 points!!

(its the cornering, low centre of gravity; that and the decoying us with sunglasses and some Bio Oil)

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: the hookers from "slipping their cards under your door"

No, seriously; kept having hookers push their cards under the door of my business hotel room in China.

The romantically names "Peoples Liberation Army Supply Depot and Hotel".

Another hotel had an even better way to get ALL the lights out; gently move one of the anglepoise lamps over the bed; the wiring would fuse and take out the breakers for the entire floor (also in China).

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Long way around the barn!

[smug mode on]

Which is why I carry a torch.

[smug mode off].

Of course this doesnt stop the hookers from slipping their cards under your door.

What today links Gmail, Google Drive, YouTube, Facebook, Instagram – apart from being run by monopolistic personal data harvesters?

Ian Emery Silver badge
Black Helicopters

Re: The "hiccup" lasted well into 2 P.M. for me

I had no issues with gmail Wednesday - TODAY is a different matter, multiple emails are missing, confirmed sent, but never arrived.

In fact sending took multiple attempts as well.

I am sticking to my claim it is The Donald busy trying to delete every mention of him and that Chinese brothel owner from the interwebs (before Melania finds out).

China still doesn't want iPhones despite Apple slashing prices, say market watchers

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: I suppose they just need more and iPhones fall short of their needs.

Price/features have NOTHING to do with the lack of iPhone sales; just go out onto the streets of any Chinese city and ask the question.

Between Apple publicly saying Huawei phones were crap, and the US banning the company from infrastructure deals, the Chinese people are feeling very French*, and buying Huawei, Ovo, and other local brands instead.

* I once asked a French ski instructor why all the ski school were using Atomic skis, when every review panned them, and customers kept complaining they fell apart after 2 weeks use.

"But they are French" came the reply.

They're BAAACK: Windows 10 nagware team loads trebuchet with annoying reminders to GTFO Windows 7

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Oh well,

MicroShaft are already REMOVING drivers they dont want you using to extend the life of your Win7 install; go try and get the NVME winDriver - nope, sorry, you can only have it if you run Win10 now, cos they have deleted the Win7/8/8.1 version.

Packet switching pickle prompts potential pecuniary problems

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: And I thought my home bill was bad..

AH dial up internet.

I can remember spending 3 months downloading a dirty movie; basically every night from 00:00 to 7:59:59.

(Free off peak calls and internet package).

Dear Britain's mast-fearing Nimbys: Do you want your phone to work or not?

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Up Yours!

There is (or used to be - not been that way in a while), at least one mast in the Cotswolds disguised as a tree.

Ian Emery Silver badge

You were lucky; I got fined 1/2 days pay for being an hour late.

I dragged two teenage girls out of a wreck after their car had been "T" boned by a HGV on the M5; but had to wait for the Police to interview me before I could leave.

Ian Emery Silver badge

2 cans and some wet string would be better than Airwave.

Guess who's addicted to GitHub, busy on Slack, stuck in 2015? No, not another hipster: It's the Slub backdoor malware

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: basic precautions

The up/down votes could be perfectly balanced if BOTH the other IE users downvote me.

Ian Emery Silver badge

basic precautions

Not using the steaming pile of dung known as Internet Explorer would be a start.

Silent Merc, holy e-car... Mflllwhmmmp! What is that terrible sound?

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Missed Option

Had the same happen locally, jogger running down the pavement in full earbud zombie mode suddenly turned and ran out onto the main road; he only got halfway off the curb before being ripped apart by the bus.

The number of near misses I have had, in a large engined, decidedly not silent MPV; several in the "how the fuck did I miss her" range (nearly all women with prams/pushchairs).

Seen 3 this week, one a child of 7-8, the other two supposedly responsible parents.

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Dumber and Dumber

Stopping distances etc, in the book were done so long ago, very few grandparents have ever seen one of the cars used - so bear no real relevance to todays ABS equipped, hyper-wide tyre'd monsters - ditto corner speed advisory signs - Morris Minor with radial tyres??

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Dumber and Dumber

40 years ago, as a child.

I was left for dead in the middle of a road after some smuck did this to me; ran out without looking.

I was saved from a serious head injury by my backpack, which cushioned my head (long before cycle helmets), but I was semi-concious and pretty concussed.

30-40 people (some with their own children), walked/drove around me before some little old lady came out of her house and picked me up.

Tim Apple. Larry Oracle. Ginni Layoffs: It works so why the heck not?

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Donald Moron?

Donald Cockwomble ??

TalkTalk kept my email account active for 8 years after I left – now it's spamming my mates

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Are any of them any good?

There are plenty of big ISPs and plenty of good ISPs, sadly no names appear on both lists.

Have a look at:


For a comprehensive list of ISPs, the services they offer, price plans and lots of reviews.

They cover 99.9% of all ISPs in the UK, including mobile, mesh and satellite.

SPOILER alert, literally: Intel CPUs afflicted with simple data-spewing spec-exec vulnerability

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: I'm disappointed

Sod Proper Order Lets Increase Executive Renumerations

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: A simple mitigation

Have to love the fact that many of those government websites (and not just .gov.uk), ONLY work if you are using obsolete versions of Internet Explorer.

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Well I never ...

Going to send this as a "fact" to Fox and Friends, see if they fall for it, and then the Donald will start tweeting about how it is all Hilary's fault.

We're not throttling you, says Vodafone, claiming slow vid streaming is down to the 'cards'

Ian Emery Silver badge

Originally they were blaming local kit; it wasnt until MUCH later they blamed internal kit; this topic has been discussed over on ISPR, along with the SupaNet scam, for weeks before El Reg picked it up.

Ian Emery Silver badge

Except VP are blaming the cards in the users local box; something already disproved by the fact effacted customers can get full speed on the services being throttled by using a VPN.

VP are trying to

Have their cake

Eat their cake

Deny their cake exists.

This is all shades of PlusNet; another ISP known for throttling speeds to 1/3rd the sync speed.

Ah, this military GPS system looks shoddy but expensive. Shall we try to break it?

Ian Emery Silver badge

Typical Electronics Apprentice Job

At least for me; was to take a random 10 units from any run of 110 potted, proximity sensors and chuck them off the roof of a two story building onto the tarmac carpark below.

If any failed, the whole batch would be scrapped.

Not as much fun as pretending dead 8ft fluorescent tubes were javelins, on the waste ground next door to the factory.

That was a LONG time ago - icon = me nowadays.

When the bits hit the FAN: US military accused of knackering Russian trolls, news org's IT gear amid midterm elections

Ian Emery Silver badge

prompting synchronization and Windows updates on the host PC

Sounds like the result of a typical Win10 update to me.

Another way to look at Amazon's counterfeit-busting Project Zero: Making merchants cough up protection money

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Buyer Beware

I have reported a group of sellers with fake goods multiple times; Amazon have not removed a single item, but since I obviously am interested in the product, they send me an "items of interest" list containing them every few weeks.

I also closed our Amazon store, after a tat merchant started using our product pictures as his own, and selling smaller, inferior quality copies via "Fullfilled by Amazon" !!!

(Silk v polyester).

There are fewer fakes on Ali Express than there are on Ebay or Amazon; and that has been true for 4-5 years.

Not so smart after all: A techie's tale of toilet noise horror

Ian Emery Silver badge

never mind that!

Has he gone blind, or developed hairy palms??

ZX Spectrum Vega+ 'backer'? Nope, you're now a creditor – and should probably act fast

Ian Emery Silver badge
Black Helicopters

Be careful Kenny

We've all seen South Park.

Eggheads want YOU to name Jupiter's five newly found moons ‒ and yeah, not so fast with Moony McMoonface

Ian Emery Silver badge
Paris Hilton

Re: In fact Jupiter DID have a lover named Moony McMoonface

Just need a quick rewrite on Wiki and you will be ready to prove it is true.

Zeus probably did Paris.

Lets be honest, nearly everyone has done Paris.

Behold… a WinRAR security bug that's older than your child's favorite YouTuber. And yes, you should patch this hole

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: 2 people who paid?

I DID pay many years ago, but the rozzers trashed all my systems and I lost the license, so now, like many others, I have only the "free" version.

It was SO long ago, I think I was still using Freeserve as my ISP.

Bored bloke takes control of British Army 'psyops' unit's Twitter

Ian Emery Silver badge
Black Helicopters

You all missed including the black helicopter

So here it is.

AGM X3: Swoon at this rugged interloper mobe then throw it on the floor to impress your mates

Ian Emery Silver badge

Might be suitable for my son

Has anyone tested it to see if it can survive falling out of a pocket whilst zooming around a superkart track (and it getting run over by the trailing kart??).

Yes, that was what he had to write on one insurance claim form; after paying out, they wouldnt insure him again.

Cut open a tauntaun, this JEDI is frozen! US court halts lawsuit over biggest military cloud deal since the Death Star

Ian Emery Silver badge

They are just trying to bag as many scifi nerds as they can.

Missed out a lot though, no mention of Space 1999, Star Cops, Stargate, or that weird Aussie one with the hook-nosed but ever so sexy lass in black leather.

I would get out more, but I am still translating Shakespeare back into Klingon.

Accused hacker Lauri Love loses legal bid to reclaim seized IT gear

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Is this how far we have sunk?


UK Customs and Border Control staff have the same powers, get antsy and they will take your car apart, then fine you for littering (or something).

Ian Emery Silver badge
Black Helicopters

Re: Is this how far we have sunk?

With the latest widening of what can be construed as terrorist related online activity - yes we are.

As someone innocent who HAS had all their computer gear seized and torn apart by the police, the suggestion that an innocent person would co-operate raises a hollow laugh.

If it ever happens again I will fight tooth and nail before I let then gut my house fishing for evidence of a crime I had no motive, or opportunity to commit.

Even though I was released after a couple of hours interrogating, and all charges dropped a few days later - it took a year for them to return my broken and dismembered equipment.

Turn on, tune in, drop out: Apple's whizz-bang T2 security chips hit a bum note for Mac audio

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: It's that guitar.

I spotted that as well; to work with the new macs he needs to hold it upside down and back to front.

'Occult' text from Buffy The Vampire Slayer ep actually just story about new bus lane in Dublin

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: In jokes on screen

Not forgetting re purposed "props", I can still remember chuckling at seeing a RS Spares volt meter being used as the airlock control on one low budget BBC SciFi series; and looking at various giant spaceship props and trying to identify which Revell/Airfix kits they had used.

And whilst I am posting

"(unless you watch reruns on Syfy)."

[cough, every episode d/led via torrent cough].




I have every episode of The Gilmore Girls as well.

Is Oppo short for Opportunistic? BBK opens UK doors

Ian Emery Silver badge

I dont think so.

As I said, you could do what you liked up until they started talking about officially selling in the EU, then suddenly the phones were locked down and it became difficult to get them to unlock them; there were hundreds of different ROMS you could try out using several different rooting systems, including IOS skins.

You CAN still get them to unlock, but it specifically voids several security features like lost phone tracking and auto EMEI blocking.

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: No more OPPOs for me

Since Xiaomi also severely restricted this at about the same time it announced it was coming to the EU, I wonder if this is something the EU insist on.

How do you like them Apples? Tim Cook's iPhones sitting in the tree, feeling unloved by the Chinese

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Asking for a friend...

THIS for privacy, but for out of the box security, Xiaomi phones come with a remote tracking and IMIE blocking options if stolen/lost, and back up to their own cloud for data that means you can sync your replacement phone quickly and easily.

You also get "Second Space" which allows you to hide/separate programs/data etc, that you may not want seen. useful if you use your own phone for personal and business use.

(Xiaomi Fanboi)

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Overpriced

Err, Xiaomi have had UK based repairs (via Ali Express), for at least 18 months, probably 2+ years, and now have UK based sales.

You can opt for weekly or even nightly updates if you are brave enough to load beta versions.

NFC ? meh; in 2 years, only had one customer ask if we took Apple pay, exactly the same number who have asked if we take Android pay and if we take US non Chip and Pin credit cards.

(Answer to all three was "yes").

Proven patching system? see my earlier post; you can even refuse to allow the update if you want; and can choose where, when and how it is downloaded.

Less bug ridden?? I think that is a personal call, but at least the bugs get fixed, and not blamed on how you are holding it. The last Xiaomi bug that got me irritated was one that made the main camera go blurry, and that was fixed by going back to the previous ROM version for a few months, until Xiaomi fixed the issue.

Wife has a new Mate 20 Pro, at almost Apple prices, the update process better be damned smooth.

Ian Emery Silver badge

abandoning you after one major OS update

Buy a Xiaomi, they support the phones for a long time.

How long? I dont know, my oldest Xiaomi phone is only 5 years old.

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Huawei

Completely true, even worse, Apple China (according to Chinese relatives), put out an Ad dissing Huawei; and the Chinese DO NOT LIKE foreign devils dissing Chinese brands.

I am surprised that they sold that many; I would REALLY like to see a monthly breakdown, because I didnt see a single iDevice on sale in China during my 3 week stay over Christmas.

Banking in 2019: Sure, we'd recommend TSB's online, mobe banking say cowed customers

Ian Emery Silver badge

Survey only available to...

People who also use Talk Talk, PlusNet or Vodaphone; and get all their energy needs from British Gas.

Oh, and who regularly fly with RyanAir.

The icon is self explanatory.

Why does that website take forever to load? Clues: Three syllables, starts with a J, rhymes with crock of sh...

Ian Emery Silver badge

To be fair.

Although this is true for many sites - switching adverts back on is like going back to dial up on some sites - there is another issue that started occurring in the past year.

TLS handshake.

Especially when using mobile internet connection.

I see this on some webpages that hang for 10+ seconds after all the apparent content has loaded, but you cannot DO anything. Even worse, click on a link, and you are stuck waiting for ANOTHER TLS handshake.

Sometimes this will happen 5-6 times before the websites effected, settle down and let you get on with your life.

Granddaddy of the DIY repair generation John Haynes has loosened his last nut

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: if there isnt a Haynes manual...

I got very grumpy when I discovered Haynes didnt cover every car- because inevitably the car I got would be one of them!!

Having said that, those three cars covered over 500,000 miles with only one breakdown - inevitably it was at 5am, on the M25, heading for Gatwick!!

I also have the rare privilege of John listening to me at an auto show many years ago, and the company producing a "Beginners Manual" based on that conversation; covering the basic skills they expected you to know, but that most teenagers with their first car hadnt got a clue about.

Sadly no longer in print - I think they did it as a stop-gap before updating their exisiting range of car/bike manuals.

I'll bet he is up there taking apart the pearly gates and documenting every step.

From Red Planet to deep into the red: Suicidal extrovert magnet Mars One finally implodes

Ian Emery Silver badge
Black Helicopters

Re: "Sounds a bit like the Brexit campaign"

Mays plan is to produce a horrible, unworkable plan, get it rejected, produce an even more unworkable plan, get THAT rejected; all while ramping up BREXIT horror stories, so come the last hour she can decided to stay in a bit long, then a bit longer after that until people get sick and tired of it and demand to stay in.

THAT way, she and all the other politicos can keep on getting cushy, well paid jobs in the EU bureaucracy after we boot them out of office.

Obviously this is all a secret and if she finds out I've posted it, my days will be num.........

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: "reality TV "stars" dying from crash landing, habitat failure, or slow suffocation. "

Still trying to figure out why this is a BAD thing.

Defaulting to legacy Internet Explorer just to keep that one, weird app working? Knock it off

Ian Emery Silver badge

The ONLY reason I keep IE8

The Chinese government websites only work properly using IE7,8 or 9; and even then, they only display all menu options if you have the language set to Chinese.

Sure, you can keep Grandpa Windows 7 snug in the old code home – for a price

Ian Emery Silver badge

Re: Redmond

What happened the the widely held belief that Redmond is built directly on top of the Hellmouth??

Ian Emery Silver badge

My 2 cents worth.

Cold dead hands etc.

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