* Posts by Ian Emery

1438 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Reg reader offered £999,998 train ticket from Cambridge to Horley

Ian Emery
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And I have a screen shot of a multi Trillion Billion Gigabyte driver download from Creative Sounds.

(It might be more, I kept losing count of the noughts).

Estimated download time was somewhere in the region of 1.5 Million years.

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Forensic accountants appointed to pore over Post Office IT scandal

Ian Emery
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Re: Makes a change

Funny as that may sound, people have been jailed and others committed suicide over this, despite the PO knowing full well that the system is a POS.

The PO commissioned their own investigation, thinking it would clear them - as they werent going to give them all the info; yet even with the limited access that team had, they could see quite clearly that the PO were shafting people using a seriously flawed computer system.

Yeah, criminal charges against the suits; never going to happen, but it should.

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Give 'bots a chance: Driverless cars to be trialled between London and Oxford

Ian Emery
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Re: There's a great deal

It was "NO COAL", not "NO FOSSIL FUELS".

Gas is a fossil fuel, as (technically), is Uranium.

A cynic would claim that the only reason this happened, is because we have had a very mild winter, and the government bribed more big energy using companies to shut down than was actually needed; giving us a mild energy surplus, instead of a fairly hefty deficit.

UK reserves this winter, were between 0.1% and MINUS 20%, depending who you believe; either figure is a long, long way short of the recommended 20%.

I havent checked, but it wouldnt surprise me to find the current UK supply capacity is lower than it was during the power cuts and strikes of the 1970's.

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Deeming Facebook a 'publisher' of users' posts won't tackle paedo or terrorist content

Ian Emery
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Re: No, no, no...

I didnt realised subbing to SKY, smoking 100 fags a day while drinking a gallon of larger, plus 24/7 vomit inducing "social media" via the latest smart phone; all while making your rented home into a pigsty and beating your kids WAS Dickensian.

Well the last bit is, but the beatings arent as bad as when they didnt have 99% of their focus on the smart phone.

I wont hide behind AC either.

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Burger King's 'OK Google' sad ad saga somehow gets worse

Ian Emery
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As much as I used to enjoy a Whopper over a Big Mac, the company (in the UK at least), didnt have much of a social or moral compass).

I used to work at an incinerator, we had a 44 tonne load of BK promotional clothing sent in to be burned; brand new "T" shirts and caps that could have been donated to any of the various charities sending clothing to victims of natural or man made disasters; but no, they decided to have them all burnt.

These weren't defective, with incorrect spelling, or Police seized fakes, these were brand new, sealed in the packet "leftovers" from a national promotion.

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Microsoft raises pistol, pulls the trigger on Windows 7, 8 updates for new Intel, AMD chips

Ian Emery
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Have Faith

Just like someone broke the artificial DX logjam Micro$hit tried on XP years ago, I am sure someone will figure out a way to get Win7 to work on the new chips.

And if they dont...... WSell, after the way M$ have treated their customers over the last few years, they shouldnt be surprised if anyone with an ounce of nounce either installs pirate copies or a flavour of Linux.

(And fuck you, for deciding 3 of my 5 genuine Win7 installs are fakes - just because I refused to update them with your Win10 malware)

My main PC is going to be wiped and a fresh Win7 install loaded after a BIOS clock error* made the OS decide it was fake, triggering the crippleware effect.

*I forgot to reset the clock after a BIOS reset.

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Ian Emery
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Nobody has any business to be running IE8.

PLEASE tell the Chinese government that, their website booking forms dont work properly unless you are using IE7, 8 or 9.

I spent DAYS trying to figure out why the webpage crashed on every browser I tried, and it ended up costing me £100's, as I had to physically GO to London in the end, as they also dont answer the phone or reply to email.

(Before anyone says I am wrong, this is for a specific set of booking forms, not the general Tourist Visa forms; you cannot even SEE these forms if you visit the website in English).

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F-Secure gobbles up Zdziarski's Little Flocker, spits it into antivirus kit

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Oh Dear.

In the casual gaming circles I frequent, a number of players with sets of similar issues going back several years, got together and compared systems, to see if there was a common element.

They were all using FSecure.

Changing to a different supplier, and all the random game install fails, update corruptions, and random server disconnects stopped.

Well, not ALL the random server disconnects, ZoneAlarm causes a fair number of those as well.

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Put down your coffee and admire the sheer amount of data Windows 10 Creators Update will slurp from your PC

Ian Emery
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Devil

At least we all know which song they will use in the adverts.

Every step you take, every breath you make, I'll be watching you.

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Trump sets sights on net neutrality

Ian Emery
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Re: I'd equate Trump to Hitler but...

Putin is Hitler.

Trump is Mussolini - a fat, incompetent dictator with delusions of world domination.

Mrs May is of course Stalin - working of 100% surveillance of her own citizens - because she thinks they are all out to get her.

Still working on who is Mao - answers on a postcard please.......

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Blimey, did you know? It's World Backup Day. But... surely every day is world backup day?

Ian Emery
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Windows

I back up at least twice a day.

Mainly because my drive isnt big enough to turn the car around.

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New plastic banknote plans now upsetting environmental campaigners

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Missing a trick

They should make the notes from a combination of pork, beef, whale, panda and kitten oils.

Then all the pantywaists will get all up in arms (as will various religious minorities); throw a hissy fit and (hopefully), move to another country.

This then fixes LOTS of issues, housing shortages, school/hospital overcrowding, traffic jams, immigrants - all suddenly under control.

Could everyone give me 10 minutes to get a suitable patent registered.

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Ian Emery
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Joke

New Notes Ideal for bribery.

A whole new meaning to greasing someones palms.

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Beijing deploys facial scanners to counter public toilet abuse

Ian Emery
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Re: Toilet Paper in chinese toilets?

My thought as well, even some fairly posh restaurants didnt have any when I was last there, as for public toilets (especially in summer), I would rather crap my pants than go within 100m of one (500m down wind). The stench is unbelievable - and this from someone who used to work on sewage farms for Severn Trent

With my stomach issues, I would be stuck there waiting for extra paper for about 2 hours; having said that, my Chinese wife manages to use about TWENTY sheets just to pat herself dry after a pee.

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Malware infecting Androids somewhere in the supply chain

Ian Emery
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Re: New Xiaomi on the way

I managed to not notice it dropping from my pocket into the office waste paper bin - on bin collection day; and she managed to not notice when changing the nearly empty bin bag 10 minutes later.

By the time I realised my phone was not in my pocket - and tried to ring it and follow the ring tone, it was already crushed and dead in the back of the rubbish lorry.

Gutted, it was my Christmas present to myself, and I had a few photos of my daughter being really cute that I hadnt uploaded to my NAS that day.

REALLY gutted; it was only a few days outside of the cover you get for Credit Card purchases.

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Ian Emery
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Gimp

New Xiaomi on the way

(SWMBO managed to get my last one crushed - dont ask).

At least reflashing the ROM is easy, and usually the first thing I do when a new phone arrives, as they never seem to update the ROMS they install at the factory - so it can be several patched versions behind when I get my sweaty hands on it.

Xiaomi Fanboi - that's me.

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This is where UK's Navy will park its 75,000-ton aircraft carriers

Ian Emery
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AC because you are talking porkies??

Our new generation sub use US Westinghouse Nukes.

In fact, so much of the gear onboard is bought in from the US, France etc, the most British thing on board may be the teabags (unless they get them from Aldi).

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Official: America auto-scanned visitors' social media profiles. Also: It didn't work properly

Ian Emery
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Re: There is a world of difference

CONGRATULATIONS!!

You have just triggered our 1 millionth new suspicious terrorist profile; please bend over and take a deep breath........

As for reliability, they need Chuck, currently, it sounds like they have Morgan.

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Firefox 52 kills plugins – except Flash – and runs up a red flag for HTTP

Ian Emery
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Ditto, stopped my mum from getting her business account emptied when redirected to a dodgy clone of the banking website.

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Ian Emery
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Re: BBC flash

In recent weeks BOTH versions have been randomly failing for me.

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Nokia 3310 'Supremo Putin' edition goes on sale in Russia

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Question

Is it powered by Polonium??

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HSBC Business internet banking goes TITSUP*

Ian Emery
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Re: what if...

What if

You refuse to use the stupid Twatfest (ditto FarceBjork)

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Oh, irony of ironies: Gov.UK's transparency report reveals... nothing

Ian Emery
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MI5 application

I'd be lying if I said I was lying about lying.

(That should nail it).

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The Register's guide to protecting your data when visiting the US

Ian Emery
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I'm more relaxed visiting China than the US (or Russia)

The one time they asked to check my bag, they were so apologetic, I think the gitl might have cried if I'd said "no".

Apparently, I had set the chemical explosives detector off - cheese smuggling will do that.

They didnt find the cheese, but sadly, even the air conditioning wasnt enough to stop it melting before I reached the safety of my hotel room.

I got stopped on the way out of the UK on the same trip; although they were more interested in what (on the X-Ray machine), looked like a bomb in my bag.

26 packets of Hobnobs, plain chocolate, milk chocolate, and original.

Well, it was for a rather long stay.

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Revealed: 'Suicide bomber Barbie' and other TSA quack science that cost $1.5 billion

Ian Emery
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TSA Nazis

My now adult son related a story to me from his last trip to the US, last year.

They were in a security queue, behind a large group of young Chinese school children; TSA Nazis started marching along the queue screaming "backpacks on the ground". Obviously the kids didnt understand, so the the Nazis grabbed the kids, dragged them out of the queue and roughly ripped their school backpacks off.

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Ian Emery
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Is "Black Country Accent" on the list??

Just asking, my sons GF was pulled for drug searches EVERY time they went through a US airport last year, no one else in the rather large group was even glanced at (she speaks broad Dudley); the rest speak with slightly more refined accents (Shropshire and Worcestershire).

Me?? I have refused to visit the US since they pointed machine guns at my 7 y/o son, because he had a drawing pin stuck in the heel of one shoe; and took his Mickey mouse toy away, "because it looked like a gun"; even then, clearing security in the US took nearly as long as the flight.

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Chinese pirates are facing lifelong 'social credit' downgrade

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Back on topic

El Reg are a bit late with this story, and the focus on a VERY narrow area of what it will cover doesnt help.

1984 is the best metaphor for the surveillance system the Chinese intend to use against their own people; EVERYTHING they can track will be used to judged a person, what they buy, what they eat, what club memberships they have, how many times they volunteer for government sponsored "social projects", who they communicate with, what films and TV they watch, what books they read, and what music they listen to.

The projected manpower requirements make the million or so people they currently use to monitor social media platforms look minuscule.

Yeay!! Full employment!!

Expect Mrs May to propose something similar soon after it starts.

I would write more, but "Here come the choppers!!" (LWIII)

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Who do you want to be Who? VOTE for the BBC's next Time Lord

Ian Emery
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Shh!

[stage whisper] Rumours have it, the Beeb are going to suck up to Buck house and offer the part to Harrys gf.

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Former Mozilla dev joins chorus roasting antivirus, says 'It's poison!'

Ian Emery
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PMSL

"Experts" spouting "you dont need AV if you dont visit dodgy sites"

What, you mean like the BBC, who had a malware injection on one of their pages two years ago, or my local county council, whose Child Services pages were infected for 18 months??

How about Github?? Ubuntu?? Both have been victims of tainted download files replacing the genuine versions.

WHen I started reading this I stopped at the line stating MSE was the best and checked the date; nope not April 1st, so WTF??? Has Trumps pet technology guy taken over El Reg??

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Chinese bloke cycles 500km to get home... in the wrong direction

Ian Emery
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Having been in a Chinese city or two, riding a bike was probably the fastest way for him to get home. From the city I was staying in, to the next city - where the UK consulate was based - was about 300 miles; the train took FIFTEEN HOURS.

And yeah, no chance of following the sun, you really cannot see it most of the time; 6 months through the summer in southern China, and I had NO tan at any time; that yellow skin colour is nicotine and dust.

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President Donald Trump taken on by unlikely foe: Badass park rangers

Ian Emery
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Re: What can possibly go wrong?

I upvoted this a hundred billion times. it is pro-Trump a conspiracy that makes the number look lower. FACT

(Written al la Donald).

BTW, just reading a "Toilet" book given for Christmas and originally published in 2010; guess whose name was ALREADY a euphemism for having crap.

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Lloyds Bank outage: DDoS is prime suspect

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Rumour mill

I heard the cause was a rubber key sticking down on one of the half million "surplus stock" Sinclair Spectrums the servers run on.

Is that a helicopter or an ink sp.............................

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Trump inauguration DDoS protest is 'illegal', warn securobods

Ian Emery
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I am hoping for a return of the whitehouse.org.

After years of taking the urine out of GWB, a Trump version should be a no-brainer.

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Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change

Ian Emery
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I actually sympathise with the guy

Trying to contact government departments can be a nightmare.

Having a foreign wife, I have had numerous interactions with UK Immigration , but even after 5 years, I still didnt have a phone number for them, and there isnt one published anywhere I could find.

When I tried to contact them over a fraudulent application made in my wifes name, I spent hours trying to get someone to put me through to a relevant person - completely in vain.

The damned letter they sent, confirming receipt of the application didnt even have a return address on it!!

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Customer: BT admitted it had 'mis-sold' me fibre broadband

Ian Emery
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"My Monster in Law, the wicked witch that she is, couldn't afford her sky phone line rental so they cut her off. They did forget however to disable her ADSL circuit so she currently has free internet access."

I had this happen with BT, having cut my voice line off 10 days after sending the 1st bill* (I was on holiday for 12 days), I refused to pay the reconnection fee

The arguments went back and forth through the BT complaints system for 18 months before I finally had had enough and told them to fuck off.

All that time, the internet worked perfectly (and no data cap!!)

*Dated the day I left for Russia, 2nd dated the day after, and the disconnection notice dated 3 days after that (a Monday - they dont work Sat/Sun), with the phone line being disabled the following Monday.

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The top doc, the FBI, the Geek Squad informant – and the child porn pic that technically wasn't

Ian Emery
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My 2p worth

Since the guy is obviously guilty of the most heinous crimes, I think the lawyer trying to get him off on a technicality should get done for aiding and abetting a known criminal.

I am not sure which of the two makes me sicker, some of the peodos are mentally ill, so some small sympathy, but the lawyer is scum.

BTW, as per an earlier post, I have found disturbing images on my PC after a virus attack in 2009, 1/2 one of my HDDs was full of what I would call "Nasty" porn, when I managed to regain control.

(As opposed to my porn collection on a different HDD).

The files were renamed and replacing legitimate files, so I spent the next 2 years going through family photo albums image by image to find and delete the nasty stuff.

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You have the right to be informed: Write to UK.gov, save El Reg

Ian Emery
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Re: Question

I am asking why El Reg hasnt done anything before now; did they not notice??

I am well aware of the act, and Private Eye have been campaigning against it since the day it was announced, but PE circulation figures are down in the churn compared to major dead wood publications, so very few pay attention, even after all the major scandals and stories they break - mainly because the big press read PE then steal the story, claiming it as their own.

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Ian Emery
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WTF?

Question

WHY have you only just noticed this??

Any chance of stopping this required a campaign LAST YEAR.

The only hope now is to take a hit, go to court and get the regulation overturned.

First one to blink..........

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Fake History Alert: Sorry BBC, but Apple really did invent the iPhone

Ian Emery
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For balance

Can we please have an article stating the BBC is wonderful and never lies??

Oh, sorry, just noticed you already have!!!!

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Dodgy dealer on Amazon lures marks towards phishing site

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Amazingly, Amazon have NO SYSTEM for reporting this; after looking for a LG TV and finding nothing but email scams, plus one eStore that had obviously been hijacked, I tried to contact them - to no avail.

In the end (after 2 days) I posted a comment in the item reviews, the review was rejected 20 minutes later, and the offending eStore removed 10 minutes after that.

There were HUNDREDS of email scam entries under TVs the week before Christmas, and they were removing any chance of finding the genuine price on anything; but Amazon dont care.

I am closing my own eStore this month, I have no confidence in them any longer; it is safer to buy stuff on line from China.

Eat This Amazon

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Forget aircraft – now cretins are laser-blinding ferry boat crewmen

Ian Emery
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Re: Hmmmm.......

I was no.9 in a two lane queue at the lights last week, EVERY car in front of me was sat with their brake lights on.

I wish I still owned a high power air rifle.

I got stuck behind another moron (Audi TT natch.) in heavy traffic - with her fogs blazing, by dint of magic (same 2 lane section as above), I got in front and slapped MY rear fogs on - she had the nerve to flash me!!!

5 minutes later, and she was in front again, still with her fogs on, and yelling at me through her window as she went past.

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Speeding jet of Siberian liquid hot Magma getting speedier, satellites find

Ian Emery
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Windows

Why did I look at the headline and think of a Russian curry??

Please pass the chilli flavoured vodka

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The Register's Top 20 Most-Commented Stories in 2016

Ian Emery
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Re: To Brexit or Not To Brexit

Boaty McBoatface was never going to happen, you honestly think the cave dwellers in London would allow a SCOTTISH name??!!

Further predictions,

Brexit and Brexitina will become top ten baby names during 2017, with Brexitine surpassing the current council sink estate's "fav babbi" name" of "Crystal Meth".

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Ian Emery
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Alert

Still 12 hours to go

If we all try hard enough, we can get this past 279 comments and bugger the "Top 20 Comments List".

Batten down the hatches and start commentating.

BTW, My top prediction for 2017 -

Lots of well known people will die

Other people will wonder if this is the worst year EVER for well known people dying.

Sum pepl wil mayk u wonda if teh edukayzhun sistum is brok.

World ends 3 minutes after Trump gets his finger on the button.

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Snapchat coding error nearly destroys all of time for the internet

Ian Emery
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Alien

Could this explain why

My bank account keeps showing deposits from my wifes account (with a different bank) two days before she actually makes them??

NOT a joke.

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BT and Plusnet most moaned about broadband providers. Again

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Heads Up People.

BT is a group of companies, and it is BT RETAIL that is complete crap; the proof is in the fact that small independent ISPs can get BT WHOLESALE and BT OPEN REACH to do things quickly and effectively.

After my ISP went rogue and I lost control of my phone line, BT Retail werent interested in getting me a line or internet service back - quoting 4-6 weeks.

Talking to a small ISP, they not only identified who now had control of my line (Talk Talk), they also managed to get BTOR out to fit a new line and supply VDSL in 10 days from talking to them.

My ISP is AQUISS, they are not the cheapest for BB, but if you make a lot of phone calls*, especially overseas, they will save you a loads of money, as their call charges are a tiny fraction of BTs; I call family in the UK and China for 5ppm, landline or mobile, peak, weekend or evening, with no connection or termination charges at all.

*NOT VOIP, I know VOIP is even cheaper, but the call quality can be quite bad at times.

As for Plusnet, I do wonder how stuffed the brown envelopes are, every time I see them win a "Best ISP" award.

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MPs suggest introducing web blocking to tackle suicide rates in UK

Ian Emery
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No sane would-be suicide would use paracetamol, it isnt a quick or pleasant death, taking two - three agonising weeks while your liver dissolves.

As for the 16 pack, the rules dont even work there, you can walk into any cash&carry and buy a cartoon of 16 packs; plus you can buy 2 of each brand even in a supermarket without issue.

I would rather they turned their internet ambitions to fixing their existing websites. I had to register my daughter for school today, and the only way to do it is to ignore and not enter a full post code when prompted; a horrible, HORRIBLE site, where clicking "No" means "Yes", where there are Yes/No buttons with no clear explanation of what they are for, and btw, it wont load correctly in IE, as several off site links for menu icons (FFS!!!) are broken.

It harks back to the day I tried to pay a parking ticket in Tewkesbury a few years ago, and found the council website payment system only worked correctly if you used IE6.

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Sysadmin 'fixed' PC by hiding it on a bookshelf for a few weeks

Ian Emery
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Top Floor Perks

One of the senior staff at a catalogue mail order company I used to work for had an expensive tv, video recorder, and satellite system built in to a huge cabinet in his office, ostensibly to monitor the companies adverts being shown in other European countries.

yeah, right.

We went and checked up one night.

Red Hot Dutch subscription, and he was taping it all night long to take home later.

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Is your Windows 10, 8 PC falling off the 'net? Microsoft doesn't care

Ian Emery
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Angel

Re: T0ssers!

Microsoft have turned all it's users to long-term ALPHA testers. That heap of poo Windows 10 should have never left the starting gate and maybe should have been turned into dog food by now.

There, fixed that for you.

Although a similar fix on another forum got me a warning for abusive behaviour!!

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Busted Windows 8, 10 update blamed for breaking Brits' DHCP

Ian Emery
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I know someone on SKY getting this problem in Worcestershire - might be a coincidence, but it started about the same time.

As for Win8/8.1/10 users, I will revert to my default Simpsons mode: HA HA!!

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