* Posts by Richard_Sideways

13 posts • joined 17 Feb 2015

Apple fakes intimacy in our dead-eyed digital world with software fix



I, for one, welcome this advance -

as long as it comes with a +/- slider as to how intensly the effect is applied, with "Cage" at one end and "Feldman" at the other.

After years of listening, we've heard not a single peep out of any aliens, say boffins. You think you can do better? OK, here's 1PB of signals


Will no-one think of the legal?

Wonder what the GDPR compliance implications are of capturing and publically distributing potentially billions of off-world communications without the sender/recipients prior knowledge? Do we really want our first contact to be via Zarquon, Zarquon & Hive-mind Legal Associates, with a class action suit?

Russian-trained spy whale spooks Norwegian fishermen


From Blubber, with love

In fairness, theres no reason to think its the Russians... maybe this particular Beluga was into bondage... check his blowhole for a ballgag.

Are you sure you've got a floppy disk stuck in the drive? Or is it 100 lodged in the chassis?


Fiscal responsibility.

My old boss once presented me with his laptop with a 3.5" disk stuck in it, and was 'rattling'. Some judicious plier-work released the disk... along with a penny. Still rattling so out with the screwdrivers, pulled a total of 18p out of the thing. Seems that his young son had been treating it as a moneybox.

Chap joins elite support team, solves what no one else can. Is he invited back? Is he f**k


No good deed...

Back in the heady days of the Novell supremacy, I went for an interview for an Net.supp role. The interviewer was their head IT guy, but turned up nearly 30mins late, apologising and puffing and blowing about some ongoing issue with their printer queues. Interview rolls along perfectly well, and at the end as he's showing me out asks 'I don't suppose you know anything about print queues do you' Yes, says I, I do actually know a fair bit having setup plenty for some massively esoteric Canon monsters. So I find myself parked in front of the server wrangling distributed print services into submission, find the fault, and walk the guy through the fix in about 5mins. Handshakes all round as the printers start singing again... Did I get the job? Not even a call back...

Silent Merc, holy e-car... Mflllwhmmmp! What is that terrible sound?


THIS! Plus, while on same theme, the noise Fred's feet used to make when pulling away in his car in 'The Flintstones' (or anyone making a quick getaway on foot in an HB cartoon)

Granddaddy of the DIY repair generation John Haynes has loosened his last nut


No User Serviceable Parts Inside.

Many a 'happy' hour trying to decipher the location of some bolt head from an black and white close-up photograph with absolutely no other distinguishing features... or hunting around for a lost nut or spring which just went pinging off into the darker recesses of the engine-bay, probably wedging itself into some critical cranny to be ground to smithereens on starting. Opening the bonnet on my latest car I have a brightly coloured cap for screenwash and a big plastic cover which may as well have 'EINGANG VERBOTEN!' written on it in Gothic for all the spannering I'm expected to tackle.

Tell NASA to grab the margarita mix – a sextillion-kg salty ring found floating in space



IIRC there was a huge cloud of acetic acid discovered a few years back... what next? The Prawn Cocktail stellar nursery? A cheese and onion binary system? The Nice'n'Spicy NikNak nebula?

My hoard of obsolete hardware might be useful… one day


I still have my old Amstrad 1640 with EGA and twenty MB HDD in my safety deposit loft...



One day, I'll sell that sucker and buy me an island!

Bomb squad descends on suspicious package to find something much more dangerous – a Journey cassette


Are they sure it was Journey, because frankly the whole thing sounds more like some Cheap Trick...


China to offer recoverable satellites-as-a-service


An oaken shield you say?

That must be the THORIN (THermal Orbit Return InsulatioN) system...

When it sets down, it starts singing about gold...

Boss visited the night shift and found a car in the data centre

Black Helicopters

Come fly with me

The design of a former employers datacentre was laid down prior to the widespread deployment of virtualisation, but completed after - as a result about 6 rows of 2 large 24 row data halls were occupied.

The second of these hadn't even been fitted with racks, so hows a CIO to use a cavernously large empty room? Why, as a space to learn to fly his RC helicopter and drone of course!

Game of Moans: Sky coughs to BORKED set top box BALLS-UP


I was on the phone to them just last night about this. Ours has been acting up for at least a couple of months, and they came clean about it... But why OH WHY does the perfect 'Screw You, I'm Off' come along just when Sky Atlantic starts showing 'Last Week Tonight' and have Game of Thrones on the horizon... DAMN YOU SKY!

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