* Posts by hatti

336 posts • joined 9 Jan 2015


No yoke: 'Bored' Aussie test pilot passes time in the cockpit by drawing massive knobs in the air


Like a high altitude etch-a-sketch

Sussex rap fan wants statue of Easy-E from NWA in his hometown because he's a 'legend'



Perhaps a statue of Guy Stevens made from the molten end of an old town bell would be more relevant

UK Foreign Office offers Assange a doctor if he leaves Ecuador embassy


Bad toothy peg

Perhaps leaking national security information was not such a great idea after all. Methinks the UK gov are trying the softly, softly catchee Jules rendition approach.

Hitler's wife's lovely lilac knickers fetch £2,900 at auction



I'm assuming there's some verifiable proof of who they belong to such as DNA tests and some of Adolf's pubes and encrusted reprogoo otherwise they could just be any old pants.

Church of England will commune with God for you via Amazon's Echo


'Alexa, ask God to deliver me a Pizza'

A developer always pays their technical debts – oh, every penny... but never a groat more


on the increase

The future of tech dept is likely to expand with javascript frameworks coming out seemingly at a rate of one a week via npm. Possibly we're working to a point where no one understands how to fix anything.

The only way is Ethics: UK Lords fret about AI 'moral panic'


The House of Lords wants to make sure data used by AI systems is not monopolised and the technology is developed on ethical guidelines.

And whose ethical guidelines would they be?

El Reg needs you – to help build an automated beer-transporting robot


if($beer == 'all gone') {


} else if ($beer != 'all gone') {

drink(8, 'pints');

} else {



UK 'wife'-carrying champion named


I'd need a crane

British Level 4 driverless pods are whizzing along ... er, a London path



Poddy mcPodule face

Nip/Tug: Plastic surgeon accused of mid-surgery 'hardcore' smut binge


and the moral is..

Don't mix pleasure with business

Pasties in SPAAAAACE: Cornwall hopes for slice of £50m spaceport cash


much better

Zero gravity will solve the crumbs problem.

RIP... almost: Brit high street gadget shack Maplin Electronics



What will happen to all the virgins?

London Mayor's chief digi officer: 'Have faith and give us a chance'


Softly softly catchee data

“It needs to be a conversation that starts with consent, rather than forcing people to do things,” he says, adding that a “coalition of the willing” is more effective than forcing boroughs to open up their data.

Digital word salad, what could possibly go wrong?

Farts away! Plane makes unscheduled stop after man won't stop guffing


Its not like you can escape

I can't imagine anything more unsavoury than sampling numerous unwanted roast ghosts while trapped at 50,000 feet, no wonder a fight broke out. Urgggh!

Chrome adblockalypse will 'accelerate Google-Facebook duopoly'


next step

Facebook and Google = Team America, world police (f*!k yeah!)

UK Home Sec Amber Rudd unveils extremism blocking tool


Re: My son has just pointed out ...

I would do that for a coconut and chocolate confection :)

Yorkshire cops have begun using on-the-spot fingerprint scanners


fine with it.

"There's no recognition of how breathtakingly invasive this proposal is," said Emma Norton of Liberty.

This is no less invasive than being finger printed at a police station surely and saves time and therefore money to boot. Possibly Liberty's position on this is to ensure those that shouldn't be walking the streets are free to do so.

Why aren't you being arbiters of truth? MPs scream at Facebook, YouTube, Twitter


Governments calling tech firms to account for truth. How ironic.

TalkTalk to splash £1.5bn laying full fibre on 3 million doorsteps


No thank databreach you

Bluetooth 'Panty Buster' 'smart' sex toy fails penetration test



Loving the headline, jokes write themselves these days.

Shopper f-bombed PC shop staff, so they mocked her with too-polite tech tutorial


Re: PC world

It does close with a f*ck!ing hammer


PC world

I never knew you had to take the f*ck!ng CD out of it's f*ck!ng sleeve. I never had a computer before so don't f*ck!ng blame me, those guys at the store were really f*ck!ng helpful but f*ck!ng patronising f*ckers.

Are you taking the peacock? United Airlines deny flight to 'emotional support' bird



I suppose United Airlines cooked her goose.

I will get my comfort coat

Well, now Nuro: Former Waymo devs reveal cute self-driving van tech


If it is going to be used for Pizza delivery, there will still need to be a compartment for the disenfranchised teenager to carry the Pizza to your door, otherwise you'll have to actually stand up and walk to the front door, then down the path to collect the cheese and topping savoury treat which seems like too much work.

France to lend Brexit Britain sore souvenir of Norman yoke – the Bayeux Tapestry



Looking at the garments depicted in the tapestry, it is now clear how the 1970's pop group Abba gained inspiration for their on-stage attire.

Private submarine builder charged with murder of journalist


If throw away the key were ever appropriate.

Butcher breaks out of own freezer using black pudding


Lips and aholes

Meat derivatives from each end of the animal can prove useful it seems.

Maplin Electronics CEO ups stakes for steak house



Different type of chips

Time's up: Grace period for Germany's internet hate speech law ends



Biggest problem with hate speech is where the line is and who gets to decide.

One persons hate speech is another persons free and fair comment.

Euro ransomware probe: Five Romanians cuffed


Does anyone know where you can buy those black square masks?

Meet R2-DILDO: 'Star Wars' sex toys? This is where the fun begins


That's not a dildo, it's a light sabre

As the singularity approaches, neural network pens black metal album


Bit like

Black metal is a bit like rock music but without the rock and the music.

Boffins foresee most software written by machines in 2040


two words

paperless office

Foil snack food bags make a decent Faraday cage, judge finds


Should have used a Wotsits bag, schoolboy error

Uber: Hackers stole 57m passengers, drivers' info. We also bribed the thieves $100k to STFU


Word salad.

While I can’t erase the past, I can commit on behalf of every Uber employee that we will learn from our mistakes. We are changing the way we do business, putting integrity at the core of every decision we make and working hard to earn the trust of our customers.

The usual and predictable get out of jail free company word salad. If Uber are putting integrity at the core of every decision, how come they refused to pay for drivers English tests because they considered them too difficult, what happened to the integrity that day.

More than half of GitHub is duplicate code, researchers find



Most of them are probably my tutorial 'Hello World' examples.

Sorry Github

Dick move: Navy flyboy flings firmament phallus for flabbergasted folk


Good skills

Must be a great pilot to tackle(geddit) such a difficult flight pattern. Fnarr

Yes, I took Putin's roubles to undermine Western democracy. This is my story


Not just the article itself

Even the comments section has been tampered with using the glib dry humour and knob gags (intelliphalus) algorithm.

You just can't see the join.

World Vasectomy Day: 15k men line up for live vent-blocking


Post op

If you're thinking of having this done, you'll need to get some supportive underwear to stop things swinging around for a couple of days while everything heals. Boxer shorts have to wait.

Pastry in a manger: We're soz, Greggs man said


Who'd have thought

The baby Jesus as a greasy savoury sausage snack? What fascinating modern commercial times we live in.

Mm, sacrilicious: Greggs advent calendar features sausage roll in a manger


He's not the messiah

He's a very naughty boy with a sausage roll.

Jet packs are real – and inventor just broke world speed record in it


Like it

Putting the fun back into the commute.

I wonder if you could get done for drunk in charge of a jet pack. Imagining jet packed fuzz doing a sky chase with someone who strapped in and pressed launch after leaving the Dog and Duck.

KFC turns Japanese bath tubs into party buckets



Lovely, that would be great with some baconnaise shower gel and a side of cole slaw.

Getting peckish now

Submarine builder admits dismembering journalist's body


If this were an accident it would have been reported at the time and not come to light via a series of bizarre and unfeasible stories. IMHO Madsen is a revolting and monstrous liar. I feel so sorry for the Wall family having to deal with this, simply shocking.

F-35s grounded by spares shortage


At the F35 garage

It's not the parts mate, it's the labour.

Jeff Bezos fires off a blue dart, singes Elon Musk and SpaceX


Rockets Schmockets

That's all very well but when is my new book going to be delivered?

Lucky Canada. Google chooses Toronto as site of posthuman urban lab



Beanbags and exposed pipework for all Googlezens

Ex-TalkTalk chief grilled by MPs on suitability to chair NHS Improvement


two words

NO and NO!

Three words: Synthetic gene circuit. Self-assembling bacteria build pressure sensor


They look just like wotsits but greener


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