* Posts by macjules

959 posts • joined 7 Oct 2014

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Tesla launches electric truck it guarantees won't break for a million miles

macjules
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Re: Tesla semi?

Once they reach the UK then there would not be any charging problems: the Tesla UK network is one of the most thorough in Europe.

But it is a truck, so I am just waiting for Jeremy Clarkson et al to review it, "What, no hitchhikers seat? Where do you put the prostitute you picked up at the last service station? Why isn't there a special Yorkie bin?"

(Apologies to truck drivers)

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It's artificial! It's intelligent! It's in my home! And it's gone bonkers!

macjules
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Re: Sign me up for one

Ha, If you think artificial intelligence is bad, wait until you see what Apple, Google, Facebook our Lords and Masters have in store for everyone with Augmented Reality.

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Help desk declared code PEBCAK and therefore refused to help!

macjules
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Pint

Memory Issues

I doubt that ServiceNow have a classification for UK Government staff incompetence but in my day we used to have quite a few, IIRC some were:

LUBE: Lacks Understanding of Basic English

BIOS: Basic Intelligence Operator Subnormal - Knows what a computer looks like: can't start it.

EULA: End User Lacks Ability - Knows what a computer looks like: gets as far as "Enter Password"

RAM: Read Ability Missing - this for users who classify an issue as "Critical: Department Dependent" (something nasty will happen to the whole department if this is not solved!) but fail to respond to IT requests that they answer their phone/email. This means that someone has to physically go to that office.

SCSI: "Can someone please Solve/Complete this Stupid Idiot's ticket?" - see RAM above

My favourite was always:

CAMEO: CAse Made for Extermination of Operator

Beer: It's Friday.

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Drone maker DJI left its private SSL, firmware keys open to world+dog on GitHub FOR YEARS

macjules
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Just post it on here. We promise not to use it. Don’t forget to include your credit card details as well please.

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Crouching cyber Hidden Cobra: US warns Nork hackers are at it again with new software nasty

macjules
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Re: Pull the Plug!

Yes, heavens forbid that Kim Jong-Un might get his own Twitter account and start telling the whole world his thoughts.

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WikiLeaks is wiki-leaked. And it's still not even a proper wiki anyway

macjules
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Re: "And it's still not even a proper wiki anyway"

He can't operate a switch. The nuclear 'button' is actually a series of preset Tweets. We only know that the first one is Covfefe.

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macjules
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Re: Private Twitter messages

Bit difficult when you have to go past the nice policeman outside the embassy, ring the door bell and explain to the receptionist that you have come to visit Mr Assange, and no you do not want a brochure detailing Ecuador’s finest exports.

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macjules
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Re: Shower of shites!

"Julian Assange's WikiLeaks"

Shome mistake shorley? Don't you mean "Ambasssador Julian Assange's WikiLeaks"

I gather that "Imperial Ambassador to the High Court of Emperor Trump" has already been taken by the Russians.

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BlackBerry Motion: The Phone That Won't Die

macjules
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Re: So...

The battery life alone makes me want to see one in action. The one thing I am so totally sick to death of now is watching an iPhone draining power and having to remember to charge the phone at work, just in case I need to (heavens forbid) actually use it to make a call.

RIM could do worse than advertise it as "It can recharge your iPhone AND still have 30 hours spare!"

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DXC spills AWS private keys on public GitHub

macjules
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Re: Leader in security services

Not to mention how proud they are of their AWS "Partnership" .. does that extend to "can we have our $64,000 back please?"

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Thousand-dollar iPhone X's Face ID wrecked by '$150 3D-printed mask'

macjules
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Re: Why oh why

Because someone else had already done it. And there was ... like ,, this patent .. just lying around waiting to be nicked used.

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Amazon to make multiple Lord of the Rings prequel TV series

macjules
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Re: Running up stairways of falling rocks

So make The Wheel of Time instead? Oh wait, Sony TV are already ahead of Amazon there. Shame that the world's second highest-selling fantasy series is being made by a rival, eh?

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macjules
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Re: Best script

Oh God, I now have this awful mental image of an ageing David Schwimmer as Saruman and Lisa Kudrow playing Galadriel. Please ... stop.

Mind you - a perfect vehicle for Matt LeBlanc as Sauron: no lines!

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Stop your moaning, says maker of buggy Bluetooth sex toy

macjules
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Paris Hilton

By the way, they also make a "Bluetooth-Enabled Butt Plug". I am not sure why you actually need to be able to remote control a butt plug, Perhaps it might gain some use with Extraordinary Rendition torture implementation .. "leave him with the butt plug switched on and let's go to lunch, I can always switch it off remotely".

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macjules
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Coffee/keyboard

"We used it at a bar while playing pool"

So does the line of thought run like, "Hey darling lets go to the bar and shoot some pool. Don't forget your vibrator"? Also, wouldn't your Significant Other masturbating away while you are trying to get your balls in line ever so slightly put your off your stroke?

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Teensy weensy space shuttle flies and lands

macjules
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How many flights?

Isn't this it's first actually successful flight? IIRC the last one ended rather badly with the nose landing gear failing to deploy.

I think that I would like to see a lot more testing, including a space launch and recovery, before I signed it up to ISS resupply missions.

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Brace yourselves, fanboys. Winter is coming. And the iPhone X can't handle the cold

macjules
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Re: Oh dear

Well, that's sales in Scotland buggered then.

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Sean Parker: I helped destroy humanity with Facebook

macjules
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Re: $7.8 BEEEEEELLION?

Yeah, with that sort of money you can REALLY be sorry. It takes a poor man in the dock with all his precious cash taken away from him to show actual remorse.

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Capita forced to pay out £66m to investors over Connaught fund farce

macjules
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Re: Bouncy

Possibly because £66m is nothing to them: they can just load that onto the existing MoD Army Recruitment contract

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Firefox 57: Good news? It's nippy. Bad news? It'll also trash your add-ons

macjules
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Re: Chrome?

How about it doesn't send your entire browser activity to Google?

Does it for me. I use FF Developer more now than I used to, mostly because I hate the Google Inspector 'ads' that flash up.

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Metal 3D printing at 100 times the speed and a twentieth of the cost

macjules
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Re: er....

So how long before we see graphene printing instead of metal? Wouldn't that simply the wax/powder suspension requirement?

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User asked help desk to debug a Post-it Note that survived a reboot

macjules
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Re: Dilbert?

Very much fodder for Dilbert. I recall an incident where we asked a civil servant to send us a screen shot of her screen. Waited for some hours and called her back asking where the was email. Her response, "I don't know how to do that, so I photocopied the screen of my laptop and have sent it to you in internal mail"

I emailed that one to Scott Adams.

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WikiLeaks drama alert: CIA forged digital certs imitating Kaspersky Lab

macjules
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Standby for another WannaCry.

As if Saint Julian of BroomCupboard could give a toss.

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The day I almost pinned my tushie as a Google Maps landmark

macjules
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How did you know ...

I may as well pop my naughty photos onto an encrypted USB stick, chuck it onto the back seat of a taxi and watch the Google analytics go crazy in the knowledge that I cut out the man in the middle and did so on my own terms.

... that this is the acceptable format for leaking highly sensitive government data, such as ministerial visits to Israel, comments by ministers on detained Reuters journalists?

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NASA reconfirms 2019 will see first launch of Space Launch System

macjules
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Bit small for a Mars shot

4 astronauts in that tiny capsule for 9 months there and back again? Even the Apollo capsules looked larger than that.

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Facebook's send-us-your-nudes service is coming to UK, America

macjules
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Re: Why...

So let's get this clear. One of the world's largest marketing concerns wants everyone to upload naked pictures of themselves in order to help prevent revenge porn? What is the ratio between the number of sex pests versus the expected actual image upload?

This reeks to me of "You are all just sheep who will do exactly what we tell you to do, now shut up and upload your naked selfie"

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Brit moron tried buying a car bomb on dark web, posted it to his address. Now he's screwed

macjules
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Re: maliciously possessing an explosive substance

"intent to endanger life or cause serious injury" Once you have established that he intends to set off a bomb, then you not need him to come into contact with the physical device.

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macjules
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Re: er...

The Mattese Government Mafia use carbombs, yet nobody accuses them of terrorism.

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Google on flooding the internet with fake news: Leave us alone, we're trying really hard... *sob*

macjules
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Re: Lessons from Orlowski

The level of effluent that emanates from Silicon Valley is damaging society.

Already has damaged society. If Google are so desperate to be a 'news' organisation then why not hire editors who can check what is appearing in the search engine, with the powers to flag as 'probable fake news'.

Failing that, just hire Richard Littlejohn and Katie Hopkins, at least that way we will know that the news is all fake.

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Guy Glitchy: Villagers torch Openreach effigy

macjules
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Re: Lies, damn lies and BT excuses

I think the oxymoron is just "BT Engineers". "BT Engineers at Work" would be a tautology since by definition a BT Engineer never works and thus 'at work' supplies the tautology.

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macjules
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Re: Tradition

Apparently they were going to burn books but couldn't find any.

No, that's what Facebook and Twitter do.

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macjules
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Re: Lies, damn lies and BT excuses

If you have ever seen BT engineers at work (now THERE'S a tautology) then you will know that 1 mile of fibre cable laying takes the form of a calculation along the lines of (work capability) over (x cups if tea) multiplied by (weather + can't be arsed factor)

You are better off laying your own fibre cable to the nearest town and plugging it into the nearest cabinet. Don't worry - BT OpenRetch will never notice.

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Official Secrets Act alert went off after embassy hired local tech support

macjules
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Re: Too many stories like that one.

UCS standard:

1) The wall socket power switch being off is NOT your problem. It is an infrastructure issue.

2) Because you typed your password with the CAPSLOCK key down means that you need a new computer. Likewise forgetting your personal safe combination (MoD and FCO) is not your problem.

3) Sellotaping your confidential gateway ID to the top of your stapler is recognised as being ok to do.

Don't get me started on Capita standards ...

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macjules
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Too many stories like that one.

I know about the incident with the monkeys, if it is who I think it is then "Lee" was a living legend in government IT. The incident with the WiFi is all too depressingly familiar, especially having flown across the planet to do this then your head of department challenges your expenses for "8,000 rupiah for 4 beers for team at Jakarta Aiport" (about 50p).

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Donald, YOU'RE FIRED: Rogue Twitter worker quits, deletes President Trump's account

macjules
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Ah, so Twitter CAN restore deleted tweets then? Now could they please explain that to the FBI?

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Hells door-bells! Ring pieces paralyzed in horror during Halloween trick-or-treat rush

macjules
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Thumb Down

How to handle terrorists ..

I had several dozen confectionary insurgents attack my residence last night, one of them quite well dressed up as Donald Trump, plus a number of 'Haribo Horrors'. This year we got away with minor financial damage, considering the number of extortion threats.

I was intending at some point to install a door/alarm system, but my guess is that by next year enough 7 year olds will know "Alexa, open the front door' off by heart, or the equivalent for Apple or Google.

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Facebook and pals to US Senate's Russia probe: Pleeease don't pass a law on political web ads

macjules
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Re: "everything Facebook stands for"

Simple: Mark Zuckerberg. Oh, and total world domination.

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First iPhone X fondlers struggle to admit that Face ID sort of sucks

macjules
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Re: Do you know what works better than Face ID and Touch ID?

How can apple screw up so badly?

1) Let's make a phone out of glass!

2) Let's charge sheep customers over $1000 for it!

3) Let's charge same sheep customers over $200 when the glass breaks!

4) Let's pretend that it has awesome features that we sort of nicked off other inventors.

5) Screw the fact that most of 4) does not work.

Just sit back, wait and by God how quickly the money rolls in ..

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Why are we disappointed with the best streaming media box on the market?

macjules
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Re: Which country?

If you have heard of Game of Thrones then you have heard of HBO

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Car trouble: Keyless and lockless is no match for brainless

macjules
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just like the range rover (1990 version that is)

Don't. Ever. Mention, Range Rover.

Worst 'car' .. well ok, 'Ford Transit Monster Truck with crap interior' ... that money can buy. You can drive down the M4 and guarantee that a light will come on. While you are asking second youngest child to go online and see what that means the light blinks, goes off and then another one comes on. Cue more children searching the RR online manual. "Dad, it says it needs servicing" says one. This less than 2 months after the bloody truck had been bought as new. More lights took it in turn to come on, flicker, go off and come back on again as more and more things started to fail, but we got as far as the Newbury services, stopped there, got a 'Range Rover Callout Service" ("third one today mate, must be a faulty batch") and never saw the truck again.

Thankfully git a no quibble full refund, but no 4x4/SUV/Truck or whatever you call them ever again for me. Once was enough.

(This from a now-former Tesla owner)

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macjules
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Re: Possible Solution

Try a Lotus then ... Lots of trouble usually serious.

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macjules
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Re: Possible Solution

Would the problem by any chance be accent related?

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macjules
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spellcheck an entire Microsoft Word document?

...managed to spellcheck an entire Microsoft Word document in one pass without it crashing every fucking two seconds.

Liar. Nobody ever did that.

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Robot granted Saudi citizenship has more rights than Saudi women

macjules
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Re: Good to know

Hope she's sandproof. Is there a 'ruggedised' Sophia?

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macjules
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Re: Obvious really

Taking a leaf out of The Apprentice*, it's name might be Sophia, but it is really .. Robot Santa Claus!

Every year on Xmas Eve, Santa comes to Earth on his robot-reindeer sleigh to punish the naughty with extreme prejudice. It's said if someone is on the Naughty List and Robot Santa finds him or her, he will chop his or her head off and stuff his or her neck holes with toys from his sack of horrors.

Perfect for those little awkward Saudi "I want a divorce darling" moments.

* UK version, of course

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Hey, you know why it's called the iPhone X? When you see Apple's repair bill, your response will be X-rated

macjules
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Re: First adopter risk

Report is here and here

Quote:

Another report, from Bloomberg, claimed that Apple was forced to remove some quality control elements from its production line in order to increase output to an acceptable level.

FTFY

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macjules
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Re: First adopter risk

Not only that, they also admitted to not running QA, in order to meet demand quotas. Think I’ll stick with my 6s for a while longer.

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UK.gov joins Microsoft in fingering North Korea for WannaCry

macjules
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Re: Downgrade to XP

We need to teach these pesky East Asians a lesson in good British fair play. As a result we should exclude North Korea from ever being able to buy British exports such as toy London buses, plastic policeman helmets or commemorative pictures of Boris Johnson in his best 'crikey chaps' pose.

That'll teach 'em!

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SAP to ban commission on public sector deals in countries at risk of corruption

macjules
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Trebles all round?

Extra legal compliance staff will be added to the SAP Africa market unit

Get out the Cristal lads, it's bonus time at Baker McKenzie!

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HMRC boss defends shift to AWS, says they got 50% knocked off

macjules
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No, that's Amazon's job now ..

"Hey Alexa, where are my tax records for 2015?"

Alexa: "Let me just check my S3 Bucket for you"

What could go wrong?

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