Where are the units?
You claimed that El Reg has "impossibly high standards." It seems that without an appropriate unit of measure, this statement is without merit.
Since the Register's Standards Organisation maintains important units of measure, a committee ought to be able to determine the proper unit. Perhaps "mean distance between the centres of mass of the Earth and the Moon" would suffice? The Sun, of course, having an extremely small value in this case.
Only then could we rank the standards of The Register, The Spectator, The Torygraph, The Guardian, Pravda and DPRK News, anything by Elsevier, and the like.