* Posts by SVV

854 posts • joined 4 Nov 2013


The tech lawsuit of the year: HPE v Mike Lynch and Sushovan Hussain

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Country music song based management

Presumably this involves hitting the bottle til your wife leaves you, your dog dies and you're feeling lonesome like you've never felt lonesome before.

One of the more novel "methods" I've heard of, even in a world awash with bullshit management methodology.

The case seems to be fundamentally about determining whether there is a legally definable concept of absolute truth in accounting, something which everybody who has even the slightest knowledge of accounting knows is a nonsensical idea.

Netflix wants to choose its own adventure where Bandersnatch trademark case magically vanishes

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If it's just money they're after

Why not develop the concept of this article further and actually write and publish a branded choose your own adventure book called "Boundersnitch" in which a writer called Charlie "choose your own adventure" Booker rips off the idea of a choose your own adventure book for a subscription tv service called "Webpix" and gains lots of publicity and money by doing so? It would be even more of a postmodern jape than the interactive tv show, especially if they gained lots of publicity and money by doing so.

As for the poem, must reference this marvellous 1968 pyschedelic song adaptation, which always raises a smile in my house :


Chap joins elite support team, solves what no one else can. Is he invited back? Is he f**k

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"You probably see my mistake"

You didn't make a mistake.

That company did. Big time. Better off out when this is how you get rewarded for success.

Our amazing industry-leading AI was too dumb to detect the New Zealand massacre live vid, Facebook shrugs

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AI video detection

If people have saved the livestream and then re-uploaded it, wouldn't it be easy to spot the files, as their data would be identical to a lesser or greater degree?

And simpler and faster than some shoddy AI.

Our Skyborg (actual US govt program) will be just like IBM Watson, beams Air Force bod

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cross between Star Wars’ and IBM Watson

"Mount the tape, Luke"

Can ye spare any 'digital change', pal? Blighty's ailing court service can't wait to hear from you

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They actually have a Business As Usual Programme?

Surely that woud be unnecessary, as yoiu'd just keep going about your business as, usual? No "programme" or extra cost needed.

As for the judge's remark that the current tech belongs in the Science Museum : that place is only for great and noteworthy innovations, and I doubt that the courts IT system meets that requirement. I certainly wouldn't want it to displayed to the world as an example of just what great stuff we can come up with.

What made a super high-tech home in Victorian England? Hydroelectric witchery, for starters

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sadly, electric dinner gongs never really caught on

Au contraire! I can highly reccomend the IoT smart gong, which your butler can control from a smartphone app, rather than having to instruct one of the staff to go and sound it.

How many Reg columnists does it take to turn off a lightbulb?

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Corel Draw Clip Art

You should try the Corel Draw Millenial Edition if you think the clip art selection got too bloated. It only has a choice of one image : a bearded young guy staring at a smartphone, but it is actually sufficient to illustrate every possible subject and situation in their lives.

Brit prisoners to be kept on the straight and narrow with JavaScript and CSS

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of the 70 offenders who had taken part in the programme, none had gone on to reoffend

I wouldn't reoffend either if I faced the prospect of having to do a Javascript and CSS course again if I got caught. It's a pretty good deterrent.

That's Numberwang! Google Cloud staffer breaks record for most accurate Pi calculation

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My quantum computer just calculated it to an infinite number of digits

Instantly! Unfortunately the result got stored in the new universe that got created as a result of running the program.

Bank of England takes a break from opining on banks' IT outages to 'fess up to forking needless cash on legacy kit, manual processes

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legacy kit, manual processes

Indeed, how else are the manufacturers of quill pens, inkwells and leather bound ledgers to be supported if their "systems" are upgraded?

If you've ever visitd the place, you might get this gag, but thank goodness Threadneedle Street has not mutated into a Canary Wharf style bank (yet). Travelling between the two on the DLR is like a trip in the Tardis.

Big and Blue: IBM boss's wage package shrinks in 2018 on her own recommendation

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be driven to and from work by IBM personnel in a car leased by IBM

You would think that with travel expenses of nearly $900,000 for her last year, IBM might have just been better off buying a car for her, rather than leasing one. Or would that have noit felt "executive level" enough?

Small Brit firms beg for 'light touch' as only half are ready for digital tax reforms due next month

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Making Transactions Diabolical

I've just read the API, as I may need to use it in the future, and it is a dogs dinner of a faff. You have to log in with a Government Gateway account to get an authorisation token (which is then valid for 4 hours). Then you have to call a REST API to submit your info with the token as one of the fields (not a big API but there are numerous methods). So presumably the average interaction will be something like : log in to Gov Gateway and get OAuth token. Copy and paste into correctly formatted Excel spreadsheet with financial reporting data. Run bespoke 3rd party program to extract Excel spreadsheet data and call REST API. The API returns HTTP status codes to indcate success or various vague error categories, so these need to be checked too (probably manually).

Now, the big question here is why the hell didn't they create a web page where ypu could simply log in with your GG Id, enter the small amount of data required in a form and submit it, with helpful success and error rporting afterwards? It wiuld cost almst nothing to do, and would save vast amounts of time and money for all the thousands of businesses that have to do reporting this way, almost none of whom will have any idea of what a REST API is or how to use it.

UK Ministry of Fun seeks deputy director for IT as it edges away from Cabinet Office shared services

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it had made “good progress” towards "collaborative" and "agile" working

With a current staff of two people? Have you managed to get them to potentially agree to talk to each other or something? Shows how seriously to take other government boasting of achievements.

And yes, 68 grand for the requested level of experience is a joke.

Freelance devs: Oh, you wanted the app to be secure? The job spec didn't mention that

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Further study?

They suggested a further study might be needed to see whether "you get what you pay for"?

Why? This study has already proved for the millionth time that if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

So, you researched whether hiring devs from freelancer.com, who "said" they'd been programming in Java "for at least one year", most of whom were not fluent in English, and would accept a 100 buck fee for the entire work, which was a critical part of a security setup, and you discovered that they weren't very good at it?

A more apt question is how much was spent on this research? Has the peanut / monkey theory never been formally proved before in any previous academic study? I doubt it, therefore you got nothing for what you paid for.

FBI warns of SIM-swap scams, IBM finds holes in visitor software, 13-year-old girl charged over JavaScript prank...

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I'm dreading the knock at the door

That time I typed "10 PRINT "WHSMITHS IS SHIT" 20 GOTO 10 RUN" on a ZX Spectrum in one of their shops once was obviously a dangerous criminal act.

But compatred with some of the privacy and security violating Javascript being served up on company websites..............?

Tim Apple. Larry Oracle. Ginni Layoffs: It works so why the heck not?

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Re: Erm.....

If his surname was derived from his occupation, then surely he'd be called Tim Expensive Tech Bauble Peddler?

Unless you want your wine bar to look like a brothel, purple curtains are a no-no apparently

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Suggested illegitimate goings-on, looking like a brothel or a funeral parlour

So, they are saying that funeral parlours in Cornwall are associated with illegitimate goings on? Yikes.

Microsoft flings the Windows Calculator source at GitHub

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At Last!

What a boon for all the developers who've spent the last 25 years wondering just how on Earth it was possible to write a program that can add, subtract, multiply and divide numbers.

Smart home owner? Don't make your crib easy pickings for the smart home pwner

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Cybersecurity Risks in Complex IoT Environments

Att the moment I woud rank the probability of professional break in merchants having the IT skills ncessary to exploit the IoT gizmo flaws as very low.

Howver, when most of these IoT security gizmo merchants go bust, there may well be a surfeit of out of work IoT people whoi have the knowledge needed to turn to a life of crime. And due to the devices all needing personal info to be given to the supplier, they will possibly have useful lists of the installed user base to hand too.

When the bits hit the FAN: US military accused of knackering Russian trolls, news org's IT gear amid midterm elections

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Walk round any office anywhere these days

and what do you see? Neary every PC has an iPhone or Android phone plugged into it for charging purposes (or worse, for "convenient" synhronisation).

Likelihood of security team within an organisation being able to ban this as a result of reading this story? Nil.

Cause of ban not being approved? Big Manager wants to charge iPhone at work. Security be damned.

Age checks for online pr0n? I've never heard of it but it sounds like a good idea – survey

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Porn block from Easter 2019

That's about 2 weeks after Brexit day, when they are worried about possible chaos and social unrest. Is blocking the entire country's access to porn a good idea in such circumstances?

Microsoft unveils HoloLens 2: Pitches AR goggles at suits

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AR for suits

So, the bastard offspring of Pokemon Go and Excel then.

Slow Ring Windows 10 fragged by anti-cheat software in the games you're playing at work, says Insiders supremo

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A LOT of you apparently play games at work!

It therefore folows that a lot of people aparrently also install telemetry on their work computers that allows another company to see absolutely everything that they do at work. Companies who have allowed this to happen have more to worry about than whether their staff are playing video games.

Artificial Intelligence: You know it isn't real, yeah?

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Data bias

It's sightly incorrect to say that the data is biased in the example given here. The data is accurate and produces a correct answer with whatever statistical analysis you choose to run on it. It is better to say that the data reflects an underlying bias (prejudice in average sentences in the case described).

It is nice to keep emphasising that this sort of data processing has nothing to do with intelligence, other than the intelligence of people working out how to do the analysis. It is also far from new, the insurance industry for example being entirely based on the abiity to use statistical analysis to calculate risk depending on a combination of facts - that industry needs to be as "biased" as possible in order to maximise profits.

What has an 'open-door policy' with industry and puts the X into NHS? Brits, let app-happy Matt Hancock tell you

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New quango

There is a Yes Mnster episode wth this exact plot. The minister insists on a huge efficiency program and it ends up with hundreds of extra staff being recruited to conduct the efficiency studies, produece the reports and enact the findings, causing a net increase in costs and civil service staffing levels

'Occult' text from Buffy The Vampire Slayer ep actually just story about new bus lane in Dublin

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In jokes on screen

This kind of thing is pretty commonplaces in TV, films and books. According to someone I used to know who worked at the BBC there were no end of baddies in TV series who "coincidentally" had the same surnames or appearance as unpopular managers who worked there. Another popular funny was to film scenes that showed locations where certain scurrilous behaviour had been widely rumoured to have occured.

You know the drill: SAP has asked Joe Public to name Munich arena so go forth and be very silly

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SAP R/3 Nah

Twilight of the sundials: Archaic timepiece dying out and millennials are to blame, reckons boffin

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four unambiguous numbers

11:32 is actually two unambiguous numbers. Each consisting of two digits. I don't know, lack of eduation, youth of today, all going to to the dogs grumbe grumble as indeed expressed by the venerable Dr King in this article.......

Here come the riled MPs (it's private, huh), Facebook's a digital 'gangster' ('disingen-u-ous'). Zuckerberg he is a failure (on sharing data)

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Regulate the algorithms?

How on Earth do they umagine they will do this? The sort of recursive graph traversal code that Facebook et al are based upn is actually fairly simple algorithmically. It is only when combined with the vast amounts of connected data that its effectivate power emerges. So this idea that the regulators will be able to sneak a peek at the awesome super powerful secret formula and tame the evil beast is rather ridiculaous in my opinion.The algtorithms work the same whether they're detecting a personal political leaning or an interest in vinatge steam engines, with the same ad targeting code then deciding to send you either a lie filled bit of political propoganda or a promotion for a fun day out n the Chigley heriitage steam railway according to the data they've got from you.

After outrage over Chrome ad-block block plan, Google backs away from crippling web advert, content filters

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I downoaded a browser given away "free" by the world's biggest web advertising company and I'm appalled that it's making me see web advertising!

Gee, maybe you could try one of the alternatives that does let you customise it, and stop being too over impressd by the "Chrome has the fastest bstest rendering engine" stuff that Gogglle have promoted so successfully.

If you want a vision of the future, imagine not a boot stamping on a face, but keystroke logging on govt contractors' PCs

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If my work is to be judged by the number of keystrokes I make

then my work will be billed by the number of keystrokes I make too. Say goodbye to all efficient coding practices if you introduce this. You might end copy and paste programming, but you'll introduce copy and retype programming in its' place. Code reuse, decomposition and refactoring will be non existent, making maintenance much more expenssive. As the code will be much bigger, so will the number of bugs. Why call a variable employeCount when you could call it totalNumberOfEmployeesInTheEntireCompany? In fact, problems with too concise code will instantly become problems with too verbose code.

Of course, nobody who cares about high quality, efficient, well designed code would work this way, but who cares as long as the people you do get aren't "slacking" by thinking about good design. efficiency and maintainability?

Pants-purveyor in plea for popularity: It's not just any pork push... it's an M&S 'love sausage'

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What a carry on

Why didn't they extend this idea to other sections in the food hall, e.g. seafood?

Say it with crabs– tag who you’ll be sharing your crabs with this Valentine's Day!

Also, the etrernally popular fruitt & veg based innuendo : plums, melons, etc..

Only plebs use Office 2019 over Office 365, says Microsoft's weird new ad campaign

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I'm confused

Surely Office 2019 must be better than Office 365, because 2019 is five and a half times bigger than 365 and bigger version numbers mean better, right?

Hey, UK.gov: If you truly spunked £45k on 1,300 Brexit deal print-outs, you're absolute mugs

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Printer hire costs?

I'm assuming that there is already some sort of print office in Whitehall that has decent printing capability, for all the other paliamentary reports, etc and that the print shop is already staffed by civil servants. If thiis were to be confirmed, then the staff and printer hire costs could also be deducted as they would not be needed specifically for this one print run. However, it is probably more likely that this function has been outsourced, hence the need for the huge profit for the "more efficient private provider" to be added to the cost. Post ministerial directorships all round!

Windows Defender update: So secure, it wouldn't let Secure-Boot Windows PCs, er, boot

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Windows defender stops Windows 10 from booting?

Sounds like it's doing its job of stopping malware.

Tedious Service Bulletin: No prizes for guessing which UK bank's services are DOWN for business users

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Re: the advice was for users to try “clearing cookies and cached data”

Don't be daft, it's the guy tapping on his monitor that's breaking it.

Oh dear! Amazon's facial recognition is racist and sexist – and there's a JLaw deep fake that will make you want to tear out your eyes

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We do not set nor do we utilize a confidence threshold

This is the problem with AI facial recognition tech : not the fact that it it doesn't work accurately, but the fact that politicians and police forces are so desperate to have it and use it, that they are doing so even though it doesn't work accurately.

UK's ICO slaps £120k fines on Arron Banks' insurance biz and Leave.EU campaign

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Light slap on the wrist

Of course, it is the company being fined rather than Mr Banks himself, and the fine will become a business cost and count against future corporation tax liabilities so will in fact be no kind of painful punishment at all really for him. Rather, he will see it as a cheap bargain for getting to spread falsehoods in order to help achieve his political preferences. One could make arguments for personal fines for directors or bans on holding directorships as being apropriate punishment for behaviour such as this. The fact that the impending chaos will have been partially funded by people choosing to buy insurance from something called GoSkippy says something very profound about modern Britain.

Smaller tech firms just aren't ready for a no-deal Brexit, MPs told

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If there is no deal

and the chaos is so severe, then small tech firms will be well down the list of government priorities.

I myself have been preparing for the no deal scenario by forming a new startup company selling magic tech solutions for seamless border controls and customs checks so that the government will come running to me and throw hundreds of millions of pounds in my direction once they start panicking. We don't actually have any staff or software or hardware yet, but it won't really matter as the startup companies contracted to provide ships to bring in the emergency rations haven't got any ships yet, so they won't notice that the systems don't exist.

Trying to log into Office 365 right now? It's a coin flip, says Microsoft: Service goes TITSUP as Azure portal wobbles

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Some amusement

Spare a thought for those running Linux instances in Azure, who are learning to love the realities of a reliable operating system combined with the shoddy unreliabity of Microsoft, as one of the myriad single points of failure in their netwoking craps out every other day.

We did Nazi see this coming... Internet will welcome Earth's newest nation with, sigh, a brand new .SS TLD

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Re: To be fair...

Hope none of the above posters ever visit Bristol amd encounter Brunel's magnificent SS Great Britain.

Is your kid looking at GCSE in computer science? It's exam-only from 2022 – Ofqual

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Re: pffft, does it matter any more?

Reralise how good we have it now?


Piffle and hogwash! O Level Computer Studies 1987: BBC Micros (a couple of Commodore Pets at first) and being made to submit "dry runs" on paper as part of coursework. Happy days. Most of us in the class were already good enough BASIC programmers, so spent many a lesson just playing Chuckie Egg. And got a grade A.

It’s baaack – Microsoft starts pushing out the Windows 10 October 2018 Update

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Re: "our next generation machine learning model"

if (updateWorked(machineBrand)








Having AI assistants ruling our future lives? That's so sad. Alexa play Despacito

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We should all get our patents in for similar ideas asap.

I'm going for the voice controlled toilet roll dispenser, it will be controllable with phrases such as "Alexa, hand me three sheets" or "Alexa, oh dear I had a really hot curry last night".

Amazon Mime: We train (badly) an AI love bot using divorce bombshell Bezos' alleged sexts to his new girlfriend

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I love you, alive girl

As this was alllegedly one of the genuine texts, it is far more disturbing than the output generated by that program (which is what it was, not an artificial intelligence). I have always taken it for granted that my girlfriends were in the "alive" category.

NHS England's chief digital officer goes full digital, ditches health service for GP app biz

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Ah, the good old revolving door

Set the NHS on some vaguely defined "digital first" path, preferring app baed consultation to gp visits, then shift off to a senior role in a company providing such apps on a ginormous salary. Company mysteriously awarded govt contract worth millions. Rewards for innovation and hard work indeed..

Microsoft vows to destroy Office, er, offices: Campus to be demolished and rebuilt

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Microsoft Office To Be Wiped From The Face Of The Earth

Much better headline. Would have been the best click bait ever.

This is the final straw, evil Microsoft. Making private GitHub repos free? You've gone too far

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Free! For up to three collaborators!

So not very a big deal for anything serious then.

The Windows 10 bug fixing team will save $7 per month on their budget though.

Insiders! The good news: Windows 10 Sandbox is here for testing. Bad news: Microsoft has already broken it

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Windows sandbox

The whole point to a sandbox is that nothing else should be able to break it, it should live in glorious isolation as much as possible. And then an update to the ancient Internet Explorer breaks it. Which could only mean that the brand new sandbox is dependent upon IE code in some way. This is not a good basis on which to create modern reliable software.

If there's some other explanation, it is probably even more concerning.


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