Re: Russell Brand
Please, please, please keep on giving Mr. Brand awards for talking utter bollocks his cunning wordsmithery - anything that acts as a distraction and stops him from appearing in another film can only be a good thing...
Posts by TitterYeNot
703 publicly visible posts • joined 17 Aug 2013
Apple knob refusenik Sir Jony Ive handed award - for talking BOLLOCKS
Orion: To Mars, the Moon and beyond... but first, a test flight through Van Allen belt
Tuesday 2nd December 2014 16:11 GMT
Re: Bah!
"No, it doesn't fly, it plummets."
True, it is a very plummety style of flying, but it's distinctly different to just dropping like a stone.
Ablative re-entry vehicles are shaped to act as lifting bodies when they hit the atmosphere at the correct angle, and will follow a shallower path than if they were on a ballistic trajectory and so encounter significantly gentler deceleration (i.e. about 50%.)
Ask a cosmonaut who's just been through an 8-10 G ballistic Soyuz re-entry if they can tell the difference (it has happened a couple of times when they've got it slightly wrong) and they're likely to throw the empty bottle of vodka at you once they've downed it in one gulp...
DNA survives fiery heat of re-entry on test rocket
Friday 28th November 2014 11:00 GMT
Re: Calculate the size of meteorites that can survive passing through earths atmosphere
"The idea that life came here by meteorite theory gets a boost but only by something less than IEEE754 32bit smallest number."
You say that as if the idea is absolutely, totally and in all other ways inconceivable...
Reuse the Force, Luke: SpaceX's Elon Musk reveals X-WING designs
Tuesday 25th November 2014 09:04 GMT 
My pendulous posterior...
Re-usable rocketry and marine landings my arse.
Look at that boat deck - Elon Musk is clearly attempting to get a head start in the soon-to-be-announced interplanetary darts championship, while those steerable wings look suspiciously like orbital ping pong paddles to me...
Countdown contestant pays homage to IT Crowd's Moss
The Nokia ENIGMA THING and its SECRET, TERRIBLE purpose
I'M SO SORRY, sobs Rosetta Brit boffin in 'sexist' sexy shirt storm
Saturday 15th November 2014 11:07 GMT
Humans... <Sigh>
<C&C_CHNL_3> - Hi Philae, how are the power levels? How are you doing?
<PHILAE_UP_LNK_4> - Not too impressed if I'm honest, Control. Here's me sitting on a frikkin' comet after a 10 year, 4 billion mile journey that's included a Mars flyby, and all you idiot humans are talking about is Taylor's shirt!
<C&C_CHNL_3> - Yeah, sorry about that. He cried and everything. On the bright side though, we think we can use either a leg retraction or gyro spin manoeuvre to bounce you away from that cliff and back into sunlight. We're running through the maths right now.
<PHILAE_UP_LNK_4> - No way, Control, no way! Let me power down in peace with some dignity intact. You know what'll happen - despite all we've achieved, I'll forever be remembered as the robotic lander called 'Skippy'...
RBS's Ulster Bank whacked with enormous IT cock-up fine
Wednesday 12th November 2014 15:34 GMT
Teflonitis
He said: "While the Central Bank recognises that IT outsourcing is a feature of modern banking business, outsourcing is no defence for regulatory failings."
This. And some.
One of the inherent problems of outsourcing is not necessarily the fact that is done to save money, it is the derogation of responsibility that accompanies it. If your answer to one of the following questions...
'Why is our website not fit for purpose?'
'Why are all our services offline?'
'Why are our wards filthy?'
'Why is our shiny new public sector IT system not working?'
...is "Well, not really my fault, our suppliers have let us down", then whether you're a banking, corporate or NHS manager, a council planner or a senior civil servant, the only sensible retort i.e. the only one that will get rid of those Teflon shoulder pads, is...
"This is YOUR responsibility. Whether it's been outsourced or not. Therefore YOU haven't done YOUR job. There's the door. And don't forget to leave your access card and pension on the way out..."
Fridge-size probot headed for comet touchdown
Tuesday 11th November 2014 12:39 GMT
Re: In space no one can hear your sonar
"Sonar? In space?"
Yes, sonar will work perfectly well through ice and/or rock once the craft is in physical contact with the comet.
Alternatively, it's space sonar modelled on British linguistic behaviour when in foreign climes - it will modulate slowly but very, very loudly...
Italian appeal court clears seismologists of manslaughter
Tuesday 11th November 2014 08:57 GMT
Re: And if I understand it correctly
Yup, my first reaction to this story was to get all unnecessary about foreign judicial systems and how utterly ridiculous they can be.
Then I remembered that I live in a country where you can be prosecuted, fined and lose your job for joking about airports on social media, and I shut up.
Laws and asses etc...
Interstellar: An awesome sci-fi spectacle – just cut the hamminess, please
Poll: Yes, yes, texting while driving is bad but *ping* OH! Hey, GRAB THE WHEEL, will ya?
Gov.UK doubles IT outsourcing to £20bn
Tuesday 4th November 2014 13:32 GMT
Re: Build our own government IT team
"Build our own government IT team. It's the best way to fix this"
What!? But that would mean civil servants or ministers having to take responsibility for the success or failure of government IT projects!
Go wash your mouth out, you're making far too much sense...
NASA: Spacecraft crash site FOUND ON MOON RIM
Banksy denies Banksy impostor's claim to Banksy.com – which isn't owned by Banksy
Men who sleep with lots of women lessen risk of prostate cancer
Wednesday 29th October 2014 08:44 GMT
Re: Straight vs Gay
"I think if you are gay, the prostate takes a bit of a pounding, where as straight would have much less."
I don't know about that, I'm straight and it feels like my prostate gets a thorough pounding from senior management every time the annual pay & performance reviews come around, and I don't even get the option of using lube...
Planning to fly? Pour out your shampoo, toss your scissors, rename terrorist Wi-fi!
Xiaomi boss snaps back at Jony Ive's iPhone rival 'theft' swipe
SHATTERED: Apple's jilted glass supplier to shut down sapphire ops
Saturday 11th October 2014 10:42 GMT
Re: Sapphire is unnecessary for the application
"I'm glad we've got people like you, innovating and keeping technology moving forward."
Agreed, what a luddite. If Apple had just gone with the crowd and used boring and predictable alternatives like Gorilla glass, we wouldn't have innovative new technologies like bendy glass. <Cough>
OK, OK, I'm going. Mine's the one with the very big, loose pockets...
You can ring my #bellogate. EMAIL STORM hits 29,000 hapless UCL students
Thursday 9th October 2014 12:40 GMT
Re: I work for a large company...
The best reply-all response to one of these internal corporate mail storms I've seen is:
"Please unsubscribe me from this mailing list. And if anyone else uses the reply-all button, the bunny gets it."
At which point, predictably, HR stepped in with their own reply-all response...
Want to break Netflix? It'll pay you to do the job
Thursday 9th October 2014 12:29 GMT
Mandarins are not the only fruit...
Dear Netflix,
You want Chaos? You want controlled failure injection? Please do pay a visit to Whitehall, we have many experts on the subject with regards to civil service IT projects, who would love to experience your generous severance package.
Take as many as you'd like. No, really, please...
Inflatables in SPAAACE! ISS 'nauts to enjoy bouncy castle spaceship
Wednesday 8th October 2014 09:00 GMT
Re: This long and nobody has gone there?
"It is just a new miles high club with no sharp corners"
Interesting idea in a microgravity environment allowing free floating fluids. Ewww....
Mine's the ISS lab coat with the wet patch on the back, and no I don't know who did it or how it got there Goddammit...
Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS
Monday 6th October 2014 11:10 GMT
Re: Police robots?!
"I never heard that one but if they really are I would like to see the first report on their performance to see if they are racist."
The robot cop's direct supervisor, Lieutenant NY225TS609, spoke to reporters earlier today.
"It seems that the first responder at the scene, Officer TR88865BK3, may have picked up inappropriate phraseology from human colleagues, and will need to be sent off for re-education. However, I can categorically state that there is no evidence that the first words through his megaphone were -
Comply with the directive and place the cutting implement on the ground, you scummy, organics-eating, sexually-reproducing humo..."
Facebook: Ha! Like we'd stop researchers messing with your mind
Friday 3rd October 2014 12:42 GMT
Totally Bananas...
In an interview earlier today, Facebook CTO Mike Schroepfer issued the following statement:-
'We take the concerns and frustrations of our users very seriously, and are working to ensure that the comfort and mental well-being of everyone on Facebook is our highest priority.
Oh, and have a banana. Go on, dance, monkey, dance...'
You don't have to be mad to work at Apple but....
'This BITE MARK is a SMOKING GUN': Boffins probe ancient assault
WHY did Sunday Mirror stoop to slurping selfies for smut sting?
Let it go, Steve: Ballmer bans iPads from his LA Clippers b-ball team
Phones 4u demise: 1,700 employees laid off with redundo package
Stray positrons caught on ISS hint at DARK MATTER source
Saturday 20th September 2014 08:46 GMT
Re: BBC to balme
"So you're saying that Dr. Who isn't an entertainment program, but a documentary?"
The documentary version is available separately from BBC Worldwide.
It features 30 minutes of footage of a Doctor Who costumed Peter Capaldi pointing his Sonic Screwdriver at the camera and shouting in his best psychotic Glaswegian, 'Kiss my sweaty balls you fat fuck'...
Net neutrality fans' joy as '2.3 million email' flood hits US Congress
Saturday 13th September 2014 13:03 GMT
As if millions of voices were suddenly silenced...
FCC Boss - 2.3 million? Excellent, tell 'em that guarantees them a seat at the table when the bidding war <cough> I mean discussion starts.
FCC Underling - Erm, sorry, that's 2.3 million emails to Congress, Sir.
FCC Boss - Emails? I thought they said dollars. Oh well, at least it's not us having to delete them all...
Hawking: Higgs boson in a BIG particle punisher could DESTROY UNIVERSE
Heavy VPN users are probably pirates, says BBC
Tuesday 9th September 2014 08:45 GMT
Dingo's kidneys
What worries me, looking at recent Australian politicians' decisions on net censorship, is that there's a possibility that they might actually listen to this utter guff that BBC Worldwide management are coming out with.
The thought that worries me even more is that the locals could eventually decide that enough is enough, and deport said clueless politicos back to dear old Blighty in revenge for for certain - ahem - 'export policies' we had with regards to Australia in the past, and I can't say I'd blame them...
IT jargon is absolutely REAMED with sexual double-entendres
Look out, world! Space Station satellite cannon has A MIND OF ITS OWN
Saturday 6th September 2014 11:11 GMT
Licensed to thrill...
"with the payload now containing a toxin (probably sourced from a rare orchid) designed to be released into the upper atmosphere?"
That's us stuffed then, with no more space shuttles for a certain Mr. Bond to shoot them down with.
And, what's worse, no chance for a certain secret service boffin to come out with the timeless classic "I think he's attempting re-entry Sir..."
Crack team weighs LOHAN's substantial box
Drone captures shots of budding APPLE SPACESHIP HQ
Cave scrawls prove Neanderthals were AT LEAST as talented as modern artists
Tuesday 2nd September 2014 13:44 GMT
Re: Naughts and crosses
Pfft! Naughts and crosses? It's obviously the corner of a pre-historic scrabble board, and if they have a proper look at the contents of the previously undisturbed sediments, they'll find the remains of a small bag and the following letters:-
W H A T D O Y O U G E T I F Y O U M U L T I P L Y S I X B Y N I N E
F O R T Y T W O
Reg man looks through a Glass, darkly: Google's toy ploy or killer tech specs?
Fast And Furious 6 cammer thrown in slammer for nearly three years
YES YES YES! Apple patents mousy, pressure-sensing iVibrator
Giving your old Tesco Hudl to Auntie June? READ THIS FIRST
Just when you thought you were alone in the bath: Hi-res mapping satellite ready for launch
Wednesday 13th August 2014 11:37 GMT
Re: 30cm?
"Speak for yourself, I'm keeping my trunks on while out sunbathing."
I'm sorry, but if yours is visible from space, then you've actually got a trunk in your trunks and you need to go and see a urologist.
Alternatively, you could make a small fortune as a novelty act with your nearest travelling circus...
Windows 8 market share stalls, XP at record low
Monday 4th August 2014 11:15 GMT
Re: Why won't they sort it out?
"What kind of dog is it?"
Sounds like a relative of Dogbert. And he's probably highly peeved that his human is referring to him as 'my dog'.
(Apologies in advance for the assumption of male gender for aforesaid canine - this is due to 1.) laziness and 2.) the fact that the OP used the word 'dog' and not 'bitch', even though the use of 'bitch' might have made the post's meaning slightly ambiguous in an unfortunate hippity hoppity kind of way.)
Speaking of which, it's heart-warming to know that Mr. Jay-Z has plenty of canine friends despite his numerous woes in life...
Nice computers don’t need to go to the toilet, says Barclays
Robot cars to hit Blighty in 2015
Wednesday 30th July 2014 14:05 GMT
Re: I want a driverless car!
"And you could let it go and do other stuff during the day, instead of sitting at the station. And lots of other things."
- Excuse me sir, are you the registered owner of a light coloured 2 door saloon with registration OFP 857?
- Yes that's right officer, it's parked in my garage. What seems to be the problem?
- I'm afraid you'll need to come down to the station with me sir - that vehicle was involved in an armed robbery less than 2 hours ago.
- <Yells> Herbie! Get out here right now! What did I say about moonlighting as a getaway car when I'm at work? You are so grounded...
HP settles suit with popstar Chubby Checker over todger tester app
SHOCK and AWS: The fall of Amazon's deflationary cloud
You! Pirate! Stop pirating, or we shall admonish you politely. Repeatedly, if necessary
Tuesday 22nd July 2014 08:47 GMT
Re: if i did buy it, can i get an instant refund when i dont like.....
""Everything's shit now. It was better when I was a lad." - every old fart ever."
Utter bollocks. When I were a lad the only music we had was the plink plonk of the crows pecking at the piano strings we were hung up by, accompanied by the dulcet tones of my dear old dad starting up the chainsaw.
And we were glad of it. Etc...
Biting the hand that feeds IT
