Posts by Lostintranslation

Here's our newest design for Spartan. It involves a splash of cleverly designed colorful rectangular boxes, each of which has a different function. I don't know why anyone hasn't thought of it before.

Unique citizen reference number

"unique citizen reference number". So that's what they call prisoner numbers these days.

"How can I help you today?"

I've burnt my fingers on an oven pan, now I can't access my bank account, my tax account or my travel tickets. And my credit card won't work.

"OK sir. Can you just put your fingerprint on the scanner so that I can access your account details?"

Just get Windows 10 right Satya. It's an operating system FFS, not rocket science.

I have been consuming microsoft shit for years.

I am SO glad it's going to be AWESOME, I was really worried it might be UTTERLY_CRAP_AGAIN.

The worst recession for 100 years, £1 trlllion in debt, yet we can always find money for this type of crap.

Mirosoft branded handsets.

Yeah, I can see the queues forming as we speak.

This fix comes from the makers of Adobe Flash Player. Nuff said.

Memo from Ballmer.s to Nadella.s

Can't we just buy this Linux thing outright? How much do they want for it?

Yay, it's Windows 7.1. I can't wait to upgrade!

It's a lame duck tying a dead dog to its good leg. Why would you do that?

"Oracle doesn't plan to send notices to individual customers when new fixes become available, so customers are advised to keep checking the relevant security alert page for updates."

That is absolutely shocking, and reason enough to find an alternative supplier when the time comes.

Or they could just pump it along the sewers.

Steve Ballmer, you are such a King Cnut.

An ideal phone for Richard III then.

Here, have a tissue.

"Ebay would refund all fees for certain listings that ended between 11:15am BST and 8:45pm BST on Sunday 14 September."

That's not the point is it?

If you had a listing that ended during the outage it is quite possible that you received far less than you otherwise would have due to the inability of large numbers of people to bid. Some sellers might have lost hundreds of pounds.

The only honourable thing to do would be to cancel those sales and re-run the auctions for free.

As someone pointed out here on the day, not everyone was blocked from bidding. Mobile app users were still able to access the site and bid. They may have grabbed themselves a bargain, but a lot of sellers are going to be very unhappy with this latest outage.

The internet urgently needs an alternative to Ebay.

Enough with the Lego interface already.

Wikipedia have them as a $60bn company.

A $60bn company that can't keep a website up FFS.

What tech do you want that industry does not deliver?

An operating system that never needs updating.

1995 - that's when Internet Explorer first came out. And after nearly 20 years they STILL can't get it right?

Just how many bugs in that software have I had to expend time on squashing since then? Is it many hundreds or many thousands?

How many man-hours globally have been lost to updating this pile of crap?

Will I still be required to update it in 2035?

Tiles Schmiles. Enough with the feckin' Lego desktop already.

And what exactly could you store on Google's cloud that you didn't want rifling through, sold or otherwise exploited?

"a radical user-interface redesign".

Is that geekspeak for crap?

How many hours have we spent installing updates for Microsoft products over the last ten years? Is anyone keeping a tally?

Microsoft, please drop me a line when the lunatics have been reincarcerated so I can go out and buy a new PC.

I'd rather have a liver transpant than install Windows 8 on another machine.

Wake up Dell, FFS

And yet when I tried to order two Dell machines last December it was nothing but HASSLE.

Everytime I got through to the sales department I was transferred to India.

The sales people, if that is indeed what they were, had a pre-prepared script that they insisted on dragging me through every time I called them. The script included wanting all of my contact details, even though I was trying to make an order on behalf of someone else.

The people spoke to had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA of how to sell. There was no attempt to personalise the conversation, no attempt to explain options, no attempt to close the sale. Even a plea to talk to a supervisor went unregistered.

After four attempts I gave up. The customer is the happy owner of two machines from another company.

Whatever happened to the Dell I remember from 5 years ago, when they couldn't have been more helpful, committed and eager?

No one expects...

Spanish Inquistion: Now, Amazon -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess?

Amazon: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Spanish Inquisition: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

Hundreds of Microsoft engineers built this pig in a poke, thousands of managers sat in meetings totalling millions of man-hours and approved it, and millions of beta testers said yes to it.

This must surely rank as the biggest example of mass hysteria in history.

Cancer cell: Wha? What time is it? Go to work? Nah, roll another will you.

OK, I'll keep it down to three expletives per post. Is that nice enough for you?

Majoring???

"This evening I am majoring on terrorism".

WTF?

Or, as Sun Tzu so eloquently put it in three words, "Know your enemy".

Hey Samsung, throw that hard earned trust and customer loyalty straight out the window why don'tcha?

When they look back on their lives, will this be their crowning achievement?

I thought at the time that there was far more to this than a "rogue engineer" adding a bit of code. I was right - it was an entire agency adding code.

So Jason Bourne didn't need all those fake passports and martial arts skills after all. He just needed to get a job as a sysadmin and wipe himself from the system.

Treadmill, eat your heart out.

Store Ballmer's genome? You have put me right off the cloud.

"ValueAct founder, Jeffrey Ubben, said "Microsoft could be the largest cloud comany in the world".

Not after Snowden it can't.

Google - proudly powered by Tepco.

Windows9

Microsoft thinking outside the box....