* Posts by Rol

777 posts • joined 24 Jan 2013

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Capita contract probed after thousands of clinical letters stuffed in a drawer somewhere

Rol

Once all the business of the world is in the hands of a cartel of companies, the only products and services to be had will be substandard and overpriced.

Just look at how Kraft has ravaged the food market, by buying up and shutting down the makers of quality goods, in an attempt to standardise a huge range of products to the lowest point they can legally get away with.

Capita is the Kraft of the service industry, busily managing everyone's expectations downward.

8
0

Whizzes' lithium-iron-oxide battery 'octuples' capacity on the cheap

Rol

Re: Dear Mr Musk....

Who best to apportion technology development grants?

The government who need a weeks training on how to turn on a computer or a man who has proven himself time and again to be a forward thinking innovator?

Many of the projects Elon has picked up and run with, would otherwise still be getting kicked around by nervous investors, more interested in limiting their potential losses than in trying to save the world.

In my mind, a world with just one Elon Musk can balance out the nightmare of several Trumps.

5
1

Security hole in AMD CPUs' hidden secure processor code revealed ahead of patches

Rol

Re: And this isn't the only fault with AMD CPU's..

Dear Reg

Can I have a slice of the extra revenue generated by my gauding the humourless PR bots of Microsoft and Facebook into down voting my comment?

14
3
Rol

And this isn't the only fault with AMD CPU's..

Out of interest I tried to install Windows 8 on my AMD computer and without hesitation it allowed it to happen.

Piqued by this obvious flaw I also tried to install Windows Vista, and you know what, it too managed to get its grubby fingers all over my pristine hardware.

It seems AMD will allow any and all of Microsoft's products on its computers, without the slightest of checks.

Come on AMD it's about time you fixed this, and stopped such evil malware from gaining full privileges on feckless people's computers.

And while I'm at it, Firefox. Yes you! What on Earth is wrong with you? Only the other day I accidentally clicked on a link to Facebook and guess what happened? Yes, without any warning I found myself on Facebook's login page, and only a couple of steps away from oblivion.

Sort yourselves out Firefox before it's too late.

25
6

UK.gov admits porn age checks could harm small ISPs and encourage risky online behaviour

Rol

Unsolicited Goods and Services Act 1971

"Sir! Sir! I've just found this brown envelope on the chair. It must belong to that man from the Make Money Make Porn lobbying group"

"Are you sure Smythe?"

"Well he has been sat there for the past hour bemoaning how the porn industry needs to reign in all the freebies everyone seems content to slurp up"

"Yes, I see how that might appear, but to be safe I best take hold of it and see if he comes back"

"I could chase after him sir"

"No! No need, if he notices it's missing he can arrange to have it collected"

"But.."

"Enough now Smythe. The unsolicited goods act is quite clear on the matter and Mr Lipstick Round The Nipple has three months in which to affirm his rights to the item and retake possession. After which it becomes my property"

"Yes sir. Of course sir. Is there anything else you need assistance with?"

"Mm. Yes as a matter of fact I do. You remember Mary Whitehouse and her campaign against, well, nature."

"Yes I do"

"Well I need you to find her modern equivalent, because I have some mean minded legislation to push through parliament"

1
1
Rol

Why stop there?

As a way of enforcing the fast spreading 20mph speed limit on many roads, the council could force drivers to buy a red flag carrying robot which can run no faster than 20mph in front of the car.

Sounds no less bonkers than having to hand over your credit card details to a porn site in Nigeria.

My ISP knows full well I'm over 18 and have no children, so why isn't that sufficient to stop my internet getting fitted with training wheels, a bib and a Nanny McPhee bottom wiping service?

If I was a full-blown conspiracy theorist, I'd be inclined to think the whole thing was designed to support ISP's in charging more for a more intrusive service, whilst also supporting a more effective means of charging for porn in a world that has gotten accustomed to viewing it for free.

And if my many years under the yoke of Tory governments has revealed anything, it is their finding of ways of forcing the public into paying into Tory donor/owned businesses, has been at the heart of every policy they have ever concocted.

2
1

Capacitor maker zapped with price-fixing charge

Rol

So, once again, the entire world gets duped by a price fixing cartel and once again it is only America who will gouge these companies for billions.

Admittedly, the EU has on occasion stepped in and discharged its duty to protect its citizens, but somehow, I very much doubt the UK's, go it alone, department for bending over backwards will ever hold corporations to account. Even when the heavy lifting of proof has been done by the eager departments of others.

As usual, if you're a British citizen, any redress for corporate overcharging will need to be rectified by buying a car boot load of gear stolen from a warehouse along with instigating a couple of fraudulent insurance claims.

Surely it would be better for society all round if our justice system acted instead of leaving it to each and everyone of us to seek our own karma balancing restitution?

13
3

ICO whacks Welsh biz with £350k fine for 150 million nuisance calls

Rol

Re: Proper punishment

They each throw a twelve sided die and shout out a number from 1-4. The die would relate to the month and the number roughly transcribe to the week where a BOFH article appeared.

Their punishment would be to share the fate of whoever it was that foolishly tangled with our hero in that article.

Perhaps an eight yard skip carefully positioned under THE window would help with clearing away most of the mess.

1
0

Senators call for '9/11-style' commission on computer voting security

Rol

Shirley...

..they'll want to wait until all the evidence has been sent to China to be recycled before they open an investigation. Otherwise, how would it be like the 9/11 investigation.

3
0

Tesla hit with official complaint over factory conditions

Rol

Re: unions could be beneficial

Warning! Offensive lyrics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHu_cfy33bY

1
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That virtually impossible classic compsci P vs NP problem is virtually impossible, say boffins

Rol

I can see a more efficient way of coding the problem and that is by rotating the board by 45 degrees to also generate diagonal co-ordinates.

Then we would only need four one dimension arrays:- two arrays of length n and two arrays of length 2n-1

So in an 8x8 board, if we placed a queen at 3,4 we can make x(3)=true y(4)=true and diagx(6)=true diagy(9)=true.

Subsequent queens need only check one element of each array to confirm a position is valid.

I had a go at creating the formula to generate diagonal co-ordinates for an n x n board, but I ran out of beer mats and ciggie packets, and whiskey and ciggies, and I'm sure someone did it several centuries ago.

2
1

Er, Ofcom, please tell us more about Murdoch's £11.7bn Sky bid

Rol

It's a done deal.

Murdoch will get what he wants, and those who could have stood in his way will either get what he was offering, or not get what he was threatening.

We're damned to hell.

It's not too late though, Trump and Kim could save us all the bother.

6
0

Corporate criminal tax offences likely to further increase HMRC's use of dawn raids, says expert

Rol

Re: Time to rein in the use of dawn raids

"What on Earth is going on in the car park?"

Pointing, seemingly indiscriminately, at every car out there. The PA has piqued my attention, and I wrench myself out of the chair to stroll across and see for myself.

"That doesn't look right" And I find myself once again following my PA's lead "What on Earth is going..It's....Oh my God! It's HMRC doing a casual afternoon raid"

The instinct to clutch at my chest, in a hope the heart attack would go away, is quickly averted as I find my hands busily pulling hard drives out of enclosures and smashing them on the desk.

"Quick, quick! Take these...and..and...Take them down to the canteen and bung them in the microwave. Full power for twenty minutes"

The PA is looking slightly disturbed and contrary to my instructions is still firmly affixed to the spot, several very long nano-seconds after my clear and precise orders had been given. "Come on! Move! Go! Do it!"

"I don't believe microwaving will have the desired effect, but more than that, I can't be involved in any illegal activity"

"What!?"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not risking jail for a measly 25K and a free parking space"

"You ingrate, And I bet when they start asking questions you'll sing like a bird"

"I can't take the risk not to. I'm sorry"

"Oh well" as I strolled toward the window to see the last of the officers trundle into the building "I bet you can't fly like a bird" And you know what. He couldn't.

And that is why HMRC do dawn raids and not just saunter in mid-afternoon.

"

2
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Dark web doesn't exist, says Tor's Dingledine. And folks use network for privacy, not crime

Rol

He was contracted to help develop the network by The United States Naval Research Laboratory, who among other things specialise in tactical electronic warfare.

The only reason us plebs get to have a go on it, is because they need a forest of users to hide the trees that are busily doing the governments work of undermining nation states around the world.

To think information gathering agencies haven't got a means of analysing their own network is asking too much.

Of course, now that several of the big illegal operators have perished and their user base been either arrested or awoken from their ignorance with a fright, the forest is thinning out a bit, hence a need to reassure everyone it's safe to go back into the water.

Now he may genuinely believe every word he says, but what's the betting there are elements of the network he knows nothing about, as his security clearance isn't Satanic Monster level

10
4

Clear August 21 in your diary: It's a total solar eclipse for the smart

Rol

I see an opportunity

Donald Trump branded binoculars.

Let's see them find the polling station after that little caper.

13
0

It took DEF CON hackers minutes to pwn these US voting machines

Rol

Argos. Shop and vote with ease.

"Hello sir. How may I help you today?"

"Ah, yes. I'm here to vote and the..."

"Certainly sir. We have 24 terminals around the store, and you can use any one of them to vote or make a purchase from our extensive range of high quality goods"

"Yes I know. I've just tried to vote and it tells me:- That item is current;y out of stock"

"And what was it you were trying to purchase?"

"I wasn't trying to purchase anything. I just want to vote"

"Sorry about that sir. Would you mind pressing your first finger against this terminal and I'll investigate further.....Thank you"

clickety click click

"I'm sorry sir but that item is out of stock"

"What item is out of stock!!!"

"Your vote. It seems you have already voted"

"Well I assure you I haven't"

"I will raise a query and the Election team will contact you shortly"

"And that's it?"

"Well I'm afraid so sir"

......................

The following morning the country awoke to the news Breville Sandwich Toaster had won the election and voters could collect their purchase in-store.

19
1

The ultimate full English breakfast – have your SAY

Rol

Betting on breakfast

many years ago, I used to rent a room in my mates house, who being veggie, insisted the whole house was veggie.

No problem, as just down the road was a brilliant cafe.

Full breakfast was a feast:- thick cut bacon and black pudding, with everything else in similarly, go large, quantities. After eating, it was arguable whether I was affixed to the planet or the planet was affixed to me.

Well such a feast didn't come quick, so with time to spare I amused myself on one of the many poker machines or pinball machines they had. By the time the meal turned up, I had usually clocked up about a tenners profit which they duly paid out. (Obviously not always, but on sufficient enough occasions for me to have eaten there for years at no cost)

Years later a friend mentioned the place had featured in the Guardian's good food guide, and I thought I'd make an effort to call back....What a disappointment. The gambling machines had gone, the ethos of service had been replaced with some perverse take on profit maximisation and the food no longer satisfied at any level, be that quality, quantity or value.

How is it that we're told the world is moving forward, when experience suggests the opposite is true?

5
0
Rol

How not to do it

Visit many of the cafes and restaurants in England and order a full English breakfast, and what you get is exactly what a proper English breakfast should not look like.

Firstly, if the bacon came from a supermarket it isn't bacon, well it is in a very superficial sense, but any form of matter that is only two dimensional has no substance. You'll need to go to a proper meat retailer to buy bacon.

Secondly, and oh boy have I had some arguments about this one, buttered bread, NOT SLICED IN HALF!!!! It's the choice of the eater to make or not make a sandwich out of the smorgasbord of deliciousness, not the goose-stepping, Nazi, butty fascist "chef"

And black pudding, which should be at least half an inch thick, and not sliced into nothingness as they do with bacon.

The rest is pretty standard, oh, except for the brown or red sauce argument. It is perfectly acceptable to force the people who have a one bit digital taste bud to eat their sugar ruined meal out of sight, like behind a skip or in a toilet cubicle.

3
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UK regulator set to ban ads depicting bumbling manchildren

Rol

Re: This is a bad thing

If you have been keeping up with events, you might be aware that a significant proportion of the general public absorb information, whether it be factually correct or not and then make important decisions.

If ASA had any proper power, the whole referendum vote would be rerun, and this time without the lies.

Yes we live in a society where the mass of idiots that suck up disinformation have reached such a critical point, they have the power to transform everything to shit.

We need a Darwinian task force to cull the numbers to an acceptable level, perhaps back to the tried and trusted standard of one idiot per village.

7
0

Luxembourg passes first EU space mining law. One can possess the Spice

Rol

Re: Yee haw!!

Perhaps one solution could be that all the asteroids you own get taxed at the rate they would be if in production.

So to bank an asteroid, as in own it and not allow it to be worked, costs the same in tax as if it was in full production.

There's no point trying for something like that with our current land banking blight, as the ones benefiting from it are the ones we would have to ask to legislate against it.

0
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Rol

Yee haw!!

How does one go about staking a claim?

That is the most important aspect of all this space mining talk.

Can I send a fleet of shoe box sized drones out with hundreds of rol flags to plant on everything they touch, and hence own the entire Sol system's resources?

or more importantly can Precious Metals Inc, effectively go on an asteroid banking mission to ensure its more Earth bound resources remain highly scarce and therefore highly profitable.

We've seen how land banking works to the detriment of communities, so surely we need to take that experience and legislate against that happening out in space.

0
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UK.gov snaps on rubber gloves, prepares for mandatory porn checks

Rol

Re: Not Dark Web, but Lite Web

I hear what your saying, but in the same way I can download the onion browser and go all dark web if I wanted to, the choice is still with the consumer, unlike V-chip.

If the IT community don't fix the problem of children viewing porn then as the article is pointing out, far darker forces will take that as a remit to step in and ruin it for everyone.

Perhaps the WWW needs some radical fixing, so it becomes impossible to circumvent certain aspects of its workings, and thus be able to define safe zones.

A little bit more overhead in nodal chit chat would suffice, like the implementation of an audit-able block-chain which would ensure nothing gets in or out of the petting zoo we set up for the kids.

0
2
Rol

Not Dark Web, but Lite Web

I have very little understanding of the Dark Web, but know it requires a special flavour of web browser to access it.

Well how's about a web browser that can only access white listed sites. And if access to the download sites of normal browsers like IE or Firefox for example are blocked then I'm sure something kiddie friendly can be rolled out, that isn't easily worked around.

I suppose hard-wiring the browser to point at the Lite DNS and only that would be workable.

And provided the youngsters have had their account permissions correctly set, than that should be enough.

Well obviously there is one more thing to do:- make it an offence for an adult to allow children to access porn, whether directly or by not implementing adequate safeguards.

0
0
Rol

I read that legislation somewhere in the pipeline will allow businesses to sue the government for lost revenue due to their changing the rules.

So it looks like the gravy train is about to pull out of the station and you'll need to get your porn site up and running if you want to cash in on a lifetime of government subsidised grumble.

2
0

Eggheads identify the last animal that will survive on Earth until the Sun dies

Rol

Last life standing?

That'll be the one with the technical ability, not biological fortitude.

It may seem odd that a human would want to stick around when all around is turning nasty, but never underestimate the madness that underlies our species.

I assume in a few billion years we will have developed materials and mechanisms that would allow us to colonise the surface of the Sun if we so wished, so continuing to live on Earth once it has turned toxic to all life isn't so far fetched.

0
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You wait ages for a sun, then two come along at once: All stars have twins, say astroboffins

Rol

Re: @Pascal

It could just have easily fallen into another star cluster.

0
0
Rol

Re: Binary/Twin Star?

It's not beyond logic to assume the forces necessary to unbundle Sol from Nemesis, came about at ignition, and likely as not given the other gas giant/protostar a push toward ignition itself.

Thinking as to why stars like our Sun appear to come in pairs:-

Perhaps as a body travels through a nebula the material that falls into it's gravitational influence collides together many many miles behind it and thus coalesces into a substantive body, which in turn would have a similar wake of material falling into the recently travelled path.

I guess a reasonable way of demonstrating this would be to scatter iron filings onto a smooth surface and then race a very strong magnetic ball across the surface.

I would expect the filings would be drawn to the magnet, but due to the initial inertia and the speed of the ball, they would mostly end up in a line along the path the ball took. And once we factor in the likelihood that gravity would coral these individual particles together, and in a frictionless environment still be travelling in the balls general direction would eventually become a significant brake on the initial ball, and thus they end up in orbit.

2
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Internet of snitches: Anyone who can sniff 'Thing' traffic knows what you're doing

Rol

"Whoa! What's that you got there Agrippa?"

"It's a gun"

"A what?"

"A gun. If throws small arrow heads out like a ballista, and you don't even need to wind it. You just put this magic black powder in this hole here and then your arrowhead and then you point this end at what you're trying to kill, and then smash this bit of flint on this bit of iron here and..."

"Is it supposed to do that?"

"Err, I don't think so. Does it look as bad as it feels?"

"Err, Are you in excruciating agony and wish you were dead?"

"Yes"

"Then yes it is a bad as it feels. You appear to have lost half of your face"

"I think we should wait a millennium or two until they've ironed out the flaws"

18
1

UK ministers to push anti-encryption laws after election

Rol

There was a time.....

After the latest carnage on the road, government ministers are revisiting lowering the speed limit and looking too, to boost employment, as the man with a red flag walking in front of your vehicle is touted as the only solution.

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2

UK hospital meltdown after ransomware worm uses NSA vuln to raid IT

Rol

back to basics?

With limited functionality for users comes limited opportunity for hackers.

Why did the NHS fall over itself to accommodate every whim and fancy, of what is predominately an IT illiterate gaggle of muppets.

It was chaos, as midwives and managers GP's and gynaecologists, queued round the block to have their input on how the system should work, and look what we've got. An all singing all dancing system that has more potential points of attack than a Cruft's show in North Korea.

"What!!? You're entering my diagnosis onto the same PC you've just been reading your emails on? Are you absolutely without compassion or did you win your license to practice at a gurning contest?"

11
1

Italian F-35 facility rolls out its first STOVL stealth fighter

Rol

There was a 72% turnout in the referendum.

And UKIP has the cash receipts for a significant number of them.

2
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Rol

Come on guys. That's totally mainframe, and not in the slightest PC.

That's like saying the British are out and out racists, because they voted for Brexit, when the truth is, only a fraction of the population are goose-stepping zombies, and the rest were told it was in the bag, so didn't get off their arses to vote.

You can't judge an entire population by the frothings of a handful of nut jobs that miraculously found themselves wielding power.

25
13

Amazing new boffinry breakthrough: Robots are eating our brains

Rol

Humanity Optional

If we look at our current economic model, we can see that many millions are employed to meet the desires of the few.

That those many millions are rewarded sufficiently to also have their desires met is only a passing phase, as AI will replace a large majority of them, just as engines replaced millions of horses, containers replaced millions of dockers, and deodorant replaced soap.

When you have land, capital, and an AI workforce, do you really need the hard work of enterprise too?

Your AI bots using the resources you have coveted can conjure up your hearts desire. Why go to all the bother of trading, you already have all you need and may ever want.

Well, I'm saying you, but odds are, you, like me, will be displaced.

In the short term, the poor unfortunates will have a very short career in the Soylent Green factory and a population equilibrium will be established.

Then again, we could send those bots out to mine the shit out of the Solar system and manage to fully resource every citizen on the planet, but that's socialism, and where's the fun, when sadistic capitalism is off the menu.

1
0

Intel redesigns flawed Atom CPUs to stave off premature chip death

Rol

Re: Out of Warranty

Throughout the EU, and yes that means Blighty as well, high ticket electrical items (more expensive than a kettle) are covered for 5 years.

A TV with one years warranty does not need a further, "pay through the nose" extended warranty, as despite what the manufacturer and retailer are bleating, it has FIVE years cover against manufacturing errors.

So the Atom being fundamentally flawed is sufficient for any EU citizen to claim a refund / repair if that component fails within five years.

7
0

iPhone lawyers literally compare Apples with Pears in trademark war

Rol

Re: Dear Judge

"I ordered a scantily clad young woman. And you sent me a transvestite with oranges stuffed in his bra"

"Sorry sir. After reading your deliberations on the Pear v's Apple case, we really didn't think you would notice any difference"

10
0

Will the MOAB (Mother Of all AdBlockers) finally kill advertising?

Rol

The Million Pound Page?

Remember that kiddie, who some years ago sold a page full of pixel space for a million pound, or was it dollars?

The thing is, none of that page ran scripts. All the advertising was embedded in the page and not served up by some ad-flinging server.

See where I'm going?

If the pages you are browsing have the adverts coded into the page, then ad blockers can't see them, but more importantly the creepy desire to track your every click so that adverts can be targeted at you via the page will be a non-runner.

I don't mind ads. I do mind that I am surreptitiously interrogated every time I visit a website so that I can have "donkeys looking to marry a feeble minded westerner" thrown at me.

The way I see it. This new adblocker could welcome back old school adverts. Controlled by the site and not tailored at the individual.

3
0

Feel guilty for scoffing Easter chocolate? Good news: Scientists have made NEGATIVE mass

Rol

Can't help thinking about the effect of throwing a rock into a pond.

Water splashes up.

Is that negative mass, or the energy rebounding in a constricted space?

0
0

New satellites could cause catastrophic space junk collisions

Rol

Re: Time for a Levy?

"Hi there. This is the overseer and we noticed you've just launched a satellite, but we can't find your end of life disposal insurance payment"

"Err, what payment?"

"End of life disposal insurance. You get a 95% refund if the satellite properly decommissions itself, otherwise we take steps to do the job"

"You are joking. We aren't answerable to your fascist state doctrine."

"Afraid you are Mr Tinpot. Pay up now or we decommission the thing immediately and double your premiums for future launches"

"So, if I pay, I will get all but 5% back when my glorious scientists and engineers prove our technology will successfully de-orbit"

"That is correct"

"Well what about the 5%, that's not right"

"That, I'm afraid, gets spent almost immediately, on cleaning the skies of over five beeeellion bits of crud, that were previous sent up there without the slightest consideration about pollution, and likely as not will damage your precious satellite if we don't take action"

"Seems I have no choice then. Do you take American Express?"

3
0

Chap 'fixes' Microsoft's Windows 7 and 8 update block on new CPUs

Rol

Re: So? - Addendum

"Can you pop around and fix my computer, it's broke. Again!"

"It's a full-time job keeping that Windows machine of yours running. Oh alright, as long as you come and pick me up"

"Yeah, no problem, I'll be round yours in ten minutes"

......

"That was a quick ten minutes"

"Sorry I'm desperate to get the PC fixed as I have emails and stuff to deal with"

"Well, you have webmail, so why not do your urgent work on my pc and I'll finish my cup of tea. Do you want a cuppa?"

......

"There, done. Thanks for that."

"Well let's get around to your place then and I'll install Linux on your PC"

"Whoa! Linux? No way. After ten years I've barely mastered Windows, you're not going to have me start all over again, learning new tricks"

"You've been merrily working away on a Linux machine for the past half hour"

"What? This is Linux?"

"Yes, and just like all my other friends, you're going onto Linux. If for no other reason, I have a life beyond being on permanent call-out to your blessed Windows computer"

.........

Note to self. Stop installing Linux on friends computers, because you rarely hear from them after.

64
12

BT's Openreach to hire 1,500 engineers

Rol

A little off topic, but....

Just been reading about how our old age pensioners are being shafted on telephone rental charges and thought I'd throw an idea at you all.

I transferred my landline telephone number to a voip service and now use my phone as normal, but at a third of the cost. And along with several other benefits such as free calls 24/7, free 0800, free 0345, free hidden caller blocking, I have never looked back.

Sure I need a broadband service to connect it, but I could just as easily have negotiated with a friendly neighbour to borrow a smidgeon of their bandwidth every now and again.

Well, my suggestion is to adopt a pensioner, or indeed any deserving soul who lives near you, and help them stay connected to friends and family, at a vastly reduced cost to what the usual telephony companies are offering.

All they need, apart from a phone, of course, is a wifi with lan, which are available at about £15. The voip provider I'm with charges a one off fee of £15 for their gubbins and set-up and then £8 a month.

So for about £30 the hard done to pensioner across the road can stay in touch for a quarter, if not a third of the price.

And let's not forget, until that incy wincy phone in your back pocket gets ten times larger and ten times simpler, mobile phones will not be an option for squinty eyed, arthritic folk.

Go on. I know you're all a nice bunch of people and spreading some kindness every now and again is good for the soul.

1
0

BT and Virgin Media claim 'broadband' tax will cost £1.3bn

Rol

BT and Virgin Media claim 'broadband' tax will cost £1.3bn

Several million users and me claim 'broadband' tax will cost them £2.6bn

9
0

'At least I can walk away with my dignity' – Streetmap founder after Google lawsuit loss

Rol

Re: Don't be evil

And just as punctuation fixed "Don't. Be Evil" It rides again with "Do the right. Thing"

4
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What does a complex AI model look like? Here's some Friday eye candy from UK biz Graphcore

Rol

Re: Sold

I for one, am prepared to throw vast amounts of my paid time at this in order to avoid unemployment.

And I live in Bristol.

I like numbers and logic and I can make really good tea and coffee. I can even bring my coffee grinder to work, if it helps get the job.

Come on. You deserve a decent coffee in the morning, and I can bang away on a keyboard like a demented Babel monkey in-between making drinks.

If you're keen, I have a toaster friend, who I rescued from Red Dwarf and he's great with bread products, and is really good at testing virtue boundaries, like, patience, and his logic algorithms are flawless, to the point of dogmatic.

So employ me and you get a free coffee grinder and a manic toaster, in one sweet, never to regret package. And did I mention I live in Bristol and would work for nothing other than the paper-clips I lose down my turn-ups.

1
0

Smash up your kid's Bluetooth-connected Cayla 'surveillance' doll, Germany urges parents

Rol

Aiding and abetting!!

Just take these feckless gimmick pushers to court and charge them with aiding and abetting paedo's.

Time in jail, or bludgeoned into liquidation with a sledgehammer fine, would have them rethinking their ill-thought-out stumble into connected devices.

It is a crime to assist criminals. We don't need any clarifying legislation. We just need the authorities to use the tools society have allowed them to just get on with the job of punishing every firm for implementing inadequate security and thus leaving their customers open to all manner of criminal attack.

14
8

Installing disks is basically LEGO, right? This admin failed LEGO

Rol

It's a back scratching free-for-all.

Set up an independent school, make yourself governor, employ your friends and family as teachers, and outsource the rest to the ones who look after you the most. Not the school, you, personally.

That caper can run and run. You just have to make sure you don't employ anyone with a soul, who might consider the money being sidetracked to elevate the lives of the greedy, should actually be squandered on educating the little cherubs.

0
2

UK credit broker fined £120k for spamming folk with five million texts

Rol

Crowd Fund

I honestly believe that a contract killer could raise far more than £120,000 if they pledged to kill the entire board of directors.

In fact if everyone who wished that to happen pledged just £1, the fund would cover the extermination of every rogue company for the next couple of decades.

Now that's what I call taking back control.

10
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Vinyl, filofaxes – why not us too, pleads Nokia

Rol

I'm waiting..

..for the 3310 smarti to come out, before I dip my toe into buying a smartphone.

It will look exactly the same, and have the exact same interface, in fact the only external difference will be the torch doubles as a projector, or projectIT as my fat elbowing so cleverly called it.

This will enable my tired old eyes to see an enlarged GUI and my fumbling fingers to swipe and prod their way to blissful engagement with the world.

The tech exists, they just need to get it to fit in my pocket.

0
0

Brexit could further harm woeful rural payments system

Rol

Here's an idea

Every year you send the farmer a bar-coded, A4 laminated submission docket.

This docket is then fixed to a post or the like on the fields in question and becomes like a clapper board start and finish to a short video that pans across the fields showing their status.

Upload the video with all the necessary forms completed and job's done.

0
0

Welcome to my world of The Unexplained – yes, you're welcome to it

Rol

Re: Sounds familiar

"Hello and welcome to your personalised Excel tutorial. My name is Rol and I'll be guiding you through the next few hours to better understand the huge potential of this program"

"Excuse me"

"Yes"

"Err... you said personalised, but there are twenty of us, how do you intend to achieve that?"

Click, click click

"I was just about to get to that. The course fees have been set to reflect the training of absolute knuckleheads, which I'm sure you're not, and so by the end of the session, those of you who have, by my judgement, breezed through this, will be getting a £50 cash refund"

"Excellent. that £50 will come in handy"

"£45"

"You said £50"

click click click

"Yes I did, but you're down to £40 so far"

"What?"

click click click

"£35"

13
0

Biggest Kodi sweep: Brit cops nab five, bag some dodgy sticks

Rol

just had a search on Google

And Google offers a step by step guide on how to install the add-ons that have so upset the authorities.

Go figure.

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