* Posts by Rol

1079 posts • joined 24 Jan 2013


Record-breaking Aussie boffins send 44.2 terabits a second screaming down 75km of fiber from single chip

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Re: Correction

The University of SMUT is currently working on a porn AI, and they are optimistic that their program will be able to generate any and all customisable flesh combinations with associated grunts and groans to fool anyone into thinking it is real.

This program, once installed on a PC, will free up 90% of the internet and reduce the instances of PC infection to almost zero.

Well, that's something boffins haven't seen before: A strange alien streaks around Jupiter

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Re: Who said they came from Mars....

I had a torch with interchangeable lens covers that achieved just that.

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slighlty off topic

Am I the only person wondering why Trump hasn't banned Hawaii from providing 5g infrastructure?

Alibaba Cloud revenue grows 62% – but it's still just a sixth the size of AWS

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Stack it high. Sell it higher.

So this morning, and only for a fleeting moment, did I consider buying cigarette lighters from Alibaba at 4 cents each. Minimum order, 100,000 of them!

I only need about 500 to see me out, and would then be left with 99,500. Obviously I couldn't sell them on Alibaba at 50p each, but I could on Amazon or Ebay.

Based on that, I can assume the $35Bn in revenue that AWS generates, comes from $3Bn of stock being sold on at hugely inflated prices, to a public that has little idea of how much factory gate prices are.

Napoleon might have been right to slur the Brit's as a nation full of shop keepers, but seeing as the three essential things necessary to fight a successful war is gold, gold and more gold, he should have realised, retailers were always best placed to win in any conflict.

As for the sodomite reference that he goes on to sleight us with, I can only assume it is a metaphor for the act of selling goods at ten times their cost to your customers.

Facebook to surround all of Africa in optical fibre and tinfoil

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Re: Can someone explain?

Might want to have a listen to Cabin Pressure. An hilarious radio program that ran some years ago on Radio 4.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Can someone explain?

It's Nigerian waters you want to be worried about. Far more incidence of pirating than Somalia.

Cyber attack against UK power grid middleman Elexon sparks in-house IT recovery efforts

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Re: What ?

'Thank you for opening this obviously dodgy email. You have won a permanent, no expense paid, holiday for one on the good ship HMS Unemployed, which our automated systems are processing as you read.

Please wait for security to attend at your work station, as they want to frisk you for paper clips and pencils before dragging you feet first out of the building.

Thank you and goodbye'

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Spacecraft with graphene sails powered by starlight and lasers

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Re: Thoughts

I've been flushing Dark Matter down the toilet, with equal amounts of dark humour for years. Advice I suggest we should all follow, before it becomes a serious hazard to scientific advancement.

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Re: Politica

Could we put a large solar powered array in orbit around Sol, so that it is relatively fixed with our interstellar craft, and generate the "back to the future" power necessary to spark up the laser?

It could even be initially purposed to send power back to Earth, and perhaps this be a means of funding the whole project.

Rol Silver badge

Re: 1m/s**2

If after launching the craft, a second craft is then sent along the same trajectory, but purposed to refocussing the laser beam, then a third and a fourth...then the integrity of the beam could be maintained over large distances.

Similarly, the lensing apparatus could be sent ahead of the main payload and then position themselves after the payload has overtaken them, with a couple of twitches from the source laser, and an adept bit of tacking.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Calling Isaac Newton...

The same means that propulsed the craft toward the star, would similarly now be braking it, as Alpha Centauri would be exerting a far greater effect in opposition to whatever flickers were coming from Sol.

(Whoops! I was beaten to it. Sorry for the repetition)

On the matter of divergence, it wouldn't be too great a task to drop off the occasional lens en route, so the laser beam can be refocused. The lens too, could have its own mini sails that would give it the ability to keep it aligned.

Behold: The ghastly, preening, lesser-spotted Incredible Bullsh*tting Customer

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Re: Fake BT Call

"OK, I'll have a look at your PC for a virus, based solely on the deceitful spiel of a scammer, but while I'm busy doing that, you might want to pop around to your wife's workplace, 'cos she's shagging her boss"

What do you call megabucks Microsoft? No really, it's not a joke. El Reg needs you

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Rodeo Rentals

Well, it's my favourite so far.

Reminds me of the days families had to put 50p into a meter so they could watch TV, and it would always run out at the worst time, and no one had a 50p piece to get it working again.

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Kerching unlimited

I think that needs little explanation

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The Doughnut Factory

Cos it's software is shot through with security holes.

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Re: Bob

Reminds anyone of the "Hand built by Roberts" sketch?

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Re: Microsoft naming

I represent Stewart Lee and hereby summons you, for use of his long running Boris nomenclature joke, to appear before your peers one quiet Sunday afternoon on the appropriate comments section of The Grauniad.

Bring a change of briefs, as there's a chance they might get shredded.

Rol Silver badge

Re: MicroMite

Sodomites! F'ing you up the a, since Dr Dos lost his license to practice.

UK finds itself almost alone with centralized virus contact-tracing app that probably won't work well, asks for your location, may be illegal

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It's the little things that matter. Like, a reading age in double figures for a start.

I read that America isn't even going to bother developing an app.

Seems Donald is of the mind that humanity has, and always will be suffering from plague, and only in rare circumstances will that result in death.

He pointed to a dentistry journal on his desk, when queried about his source for such a controversial stance.

The news reporter was banned as fake news shortly after pointing out the differences between plague and plaque.

Florida man might just stick it to HP for injecting sneaky DRM update into his printers that rejected non-HP ink

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Yep! I have an A4 Inkjet Canon printer, that prints directly onto DVD's as well, and is wonderful.

Run it on inks a tenth of the branded cost, and has never let me down in the...what..almost 10 years...no can't be..Yes 10 years, I just checked the invoice.

It has never been connected to the internet, or an O/S that was, so I can't attest that Canon are not beyond chicanery.

The inks run dry without printing a thing in about 2-3 months, and the heads, even after many months of idleness, are just one automatic clean from being perfect again, unlike other printers I've had that just died from lack of use. Sorry, my Commodore PET's dot matrix printer is probably still eager to play, like some eternal Springer Spaniel in a museum somewhere.

Rol Silver badge

It wouldn't be a surprise to find the other big names in the printer world were having confidential chats with HP, to ensure, that if HP's gravy train was to derail, it did it on a quiet provincial line and not the main line, where they would all get a stop signal. Hence the out of court settlement, and potentially an explanation for some strange, non-competitive tenders.

We're in a timeline where Dettol maker has to beg folks not to inject cleaning fluid into their veins. Thanks, Trump

Rol Silver badge

Re: Is he even capable of a full sentence?


"No. One more time sir"




"That's it. Now on your own"

"Constitural. Argghhh! Can't I just Justin Beiber it!"

"I'm sorry sir, but that technology can only do auto-tune. You have to say the word"

"It's banned"


"Contitural is banned. I'm banning the constition"

"I'm sorry sir, I'm not understanding your orders, perhaps if you could type it"


"The auto-spell needs you to get somewhere close to the word sir"


And so it was that all construction in the United States was banned at the Presidents order.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Is he even capable of a full sentence?

Like hiding a tree in the woods, he invites "fake news" so he can distract the gullible away from his 24ct fake news.

Not unlike some of the Right to Life brigade who will merrily stab to death doctors claiming they are murderer's, while not appreciating the fact, it is they, who without question, are the murderer and not abiding by their own "implacable ethics"

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Re: Donald J. Trump

You are a comedy genius.

Please present this in any store and claim your free bottle of spirit. I'll pay for it somehow.

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Re: Trump's Base

People will do desperate things in desperate times, and will readily clutch at any straws of hope to save themselves or a loved one.

That is why Trump's mutterings are so dangerous, and sadly, not just to his cohort of drooling followers.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Trump's Base

He hasn't the capacity to comprehend sarcasm, let alone use it in a sentence. This smells of after the fact PR team spin, or truth bleaching, as it will come to be known.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Suggestion

Seeing as everything that pours from his dysfunctional mind gets readily consumed by his rabid followers, I'm guessing his voter base is going to diminish some, and America's average IQ jump a few points in the coming weeks.

Royal Navy nuclear submarine captain rapped for letting crew throw shoreside BBQ party

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Re: Another thing...

I agree the NHS has many flaws, mostly brought on by underfunding, and insisting it runs at 99% capacity all year round, while using, what I can only guess is unquestioning co-operation, selfless devotion to duty and shear bloody-mindedness to step up to the challenge of running at 120% capacity during emergencies.

I think it was about five years ago, when an assessment of all the world's health services were carried out, and it found, out of all the first world nations, the UK's NHS delivered the biggest bang for the cheapest buck. And conversely the USA gave the least at the highest cost.

This outcome was surprising for most, here in the UK, but the reasoning behind it, pure economic sense - if in paying for health insurance you are also contributing to excessive profits and share-holder dividends through the numerous channels your funds go through before arriving at the hospital's bank account, you will find your contribution to be worth less than a half of its initial value.

The funding structure for the NHS, paid from central government to the regions, with very few profiteering hands in the honey jar, makes sense in a nation that believes health care needs to be accessible to all. And that's why we loathe any political party that tries to dismantle that system in favour of the American model, because they are clearly introducing inefficiencies into the system so they and their friends can make billions while providing a poorer service.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Same property?

I do believe, the RN were only concerned, because of the inappropriateness of the party. As in enjoying themselves in 100% safety when most others couldn't.

Much like the family who live in a pub, who have the police turn up a couple of times a day, because neighbours and passers-by, are fuming that a family are having a whale of a time, drinking beer, playing pool and dancing to the juke box, in their own residence.

Please, can someone in China discover a deadly virus that only those with the misery gene have no immunity to, and then infect Paris Hilton for maximum coverage.

Rol Silver badge

Re: Another thing...

Unfortunately the silver lining of Jeremy Kyle type TV programs having been temporarily abandoned, has resulted in the normally occupied TV audience and there wider cunterpart *, the baying public, to seek other avenues of entertainment. And clearly, suffering, is what passes for delightful entertainment in those circles.

* it was a genuine typo, but strangely seems more appropriate, so I took it as a sign from a higher being and who am I to argue with higher beings.

Wake up, Neo: Microsoft mulls using your brain waves or body heat to mine crypto-currency while viewing ads

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The patent might not be granted?

So if they aren't applying to the American patent office, where then?

Forget tabs – the new war is commas versus spaces: Web heads urged by browser devs to embrace modern CSS

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Thoroughly modern malfeance

"What are you doing? Are you some kind of Nazi?"

"I'm burning out of date books"

"Out of date! Some of those tombs are ancient texts. They're irreplaceable"

"Yeah, but they use outdated syntax which our modern systems no longer support"

"But all that history will be lost forever"

"No it won't, we have re-codified them into modern versions"

"In other words, you're rewriting history"

"No we are re-interpreting them using our advanced knowledge to conform with accepted standards"

"And when new knowledge comes along, that would better understand what has gone before, there will be no before left to better understand. In computing terms you are deleting a source code that cannot properly be rebuilt by decompiling what's in current memory"

"Hold on a minute. What has this got to do with commas and spaces in colour code?"

"You do realise the old colour syntax will eventually be dropped by the dominant browser overlord, and billions of web pages stretching back to the beginning of the internet will get borked for future generations, unless of course our kindly internet overlord reinterprets them for us, with the obvious potential to rewrite history, and perhaps now charge a small fee for what was once freely accessible"

"Why would they do that?"

"Because they can. And there's nothing to be made out of freely available history, until you fence it in and put a turnstile on it. Just you wait, the colour palette is only the start. Bigger and more destructive changes will be on their way, forcing every webpage to be rewritten or become totally inaccessible"

"You know. I never thought of it like that. I'll stop burning these books immediately"

"Not just yet. I see you're clutching Donald Trump's biography, Fuck 'em 'till they're Dead"


"You can throw that on the fire, and then, call it a day"

Rol Silver badge


I more often find modern to mean we have found a cheaper way to do something, that most end users would hardly notice was a downgrade to the quality, that society, over the past few millennia, had gotten accustomed to.

(I was going to replace the commas with spaces, but that would be too silly for words)

Mayday! Mayday! The next Windows 10 update is finally on approach to a PC near you

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Re: Not all conspiracies are bad.

It's the companies machine, and they're very protective of it. It's encrypted to buggery and locked down like a mythical Titan. And understandably so, due to the work I do.

And yes, my own machine runs Linux, and other flavours, but only Linux gets to play on the internet.

Your suggestions will come in very handy in the not too distant future as I'm looking to build something that will run VM smoothly, as my current setup creeks and groans at the mere mention of it.

Thanks for your comment. I'll keep it in my back pocket.

Rol Silver badge

Not all conspiracies are bad.

Oh how we laughed. Sat in front of our collared and leashed Win 7 machines, as the Win 10 crowd wailed and cried at every update.

No more!

I'm now the very nervous user of a Win 10 laptop. All my nightmares have come together in this single box of malevolence.

My friends now laugh at me, for my stance on never allowing a laptop in my home has been thrown aside, as work thrust this work from home thing into my hands.

No amount of black insulation tape over the camera can be sufficient, and strapping headphones over the built-in microphone to play Hendrix at volume 11, still has me whispering my disquiet, just in case.

But Win 10, as sanctioned by the boss, has no diy fix.


"Hi! Mr Icke..., Of course. David. I have some interesting information about Windows 10.....Yes it is important....It seems a study I just carried out verifies that Windows 10 can cause smallpox...Yes I can send the data over.....You will...Ten o'clock news....Excellent! Thank you so much for your time...No no you're welcome."

Time for an early celebratory whiskey me thinks.

ICANN delays .org sell off after California's attorney general intervenes at last minute, tears non-profit a new one over sale

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At least as a charity they can act impartially, with little or no consequences.

Dear Sirs

As a business in a thriving marketplace, we are always mindful of our public image, and the implications of being associated with concerns that might bring our brand into question.

As a result of our investigation, it is with a sad heart that we have to end our contract to supply your .org address, as we feel our association with you is negatively impacting on our image.

I do hope your ...........(insert name of organisation that gets up the noses of Republicans and their ilk) can find a new home, with a company that isn't scared shitless of being blacklisted by Presidents and other amoeba, that have by some sheer fluke got a hold of some money and power.

Rol Silver badge

It's always the butler who did it. The one charged with looking after it.

I just can't get my head around it. How can those entrusted to look after something, maintain that they are doing so, after they have given ownership of it away?

It's like how my local council tried to give away vast swathes of public parks to their back scratching mates. The public rightly reminded the councillors that they where only the trustees, and had no right to sell off the parks without asking the owners permission first. And without the consent of some 460,000 Bristolians, they backed down.

Rol Silver badge

Re: "to permit additional time to complete our review"

They now have doubts as to whether they can get away with it, and are busy consulting with their legal team.

Remember Tapplock, the 'unbreakable' smart lock that was allergic to screwdrivers? The FTC just slapped it down for 'deceiving' folks

Rol Silver badge

Re: Well....

So that's why 10 Downing Street has no lock.

Bose shouts down claims that it borked noise cancellation firmware to sell more headphones

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Re: Audiophiles

I have 24ct solid gold wiring in mine, and the the improvement in sound quality, every time I've checked the price of gold, has been remarkable.

Absolutely everyone loves video conferencing these days. Some perhaps a bit too much

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Re: Paris...

Having worn Speedos in similar circumstances, I struck upon the notion of selling the idea to French cheesemakers. It would cut the maturing process to just a couple of hours.

BOFH: Will the last one out switch off the printer?

Rol Silver badge

Re: the next wrung up.

Thanks for the correction. English isn't my first language, as I grew up in Lancashire.

Rol Silver badge

Ah! The joys of living at the company's expense

After spreadsheeting my company out of a logistical disaster I got promoted from temporary agency worker, tasked with throwing stuff into the cavernous expanse of large lorries, to logistics and office manager.

It came with my very own office, which easily accommodated everything I needed, and everything else I'd managed to acquire was boxed, palletised, shrinkwrapped and forklifted to the furthest flung bit of storage space.

The boss had no idea I was living in his factory, but some of the others noticed my timekeeping had improved beyond my abilities, and had correctly joked I must be living there, but never did it occur to them that I was.

Living rent and bill free was heaven and over the course of about six months I had saved enough money to move into a lovely rented flat in a nice part of town, and enough spare to secure that future for quite a while.

It isn't for everyone, but when you're precariously balancing on the bottom wrung of a rickety rotten ladder, a safety harness certainly steadies the nerves, to dare to lift a foot off and place it on the next wrung up.

Australian digital-radio-for-railways Huawei project derailed by US trade sanctions against Chinese tech giant

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Politely stabbing a lie to death

"The US administration believes Huawei represents a national security threat – a threat that varies in severity depending on trade negotiations"

Announcing the official Reg-approved measure of social distancing: The Osman

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Re: The Osman

I've been revelling in the opportunities to stick two fingers up at all my work colleagues and managers.

As soon as they start walking towards me I give them the two fingered salute, and then blurt "Two metres!"

The look of shock on their faces is priceless, and I'm getting away with it. Well, I was until they sent me home with a laptop last Friday.

I'd like to believe 2 metres was decided upon for this very reason. Churchill, Blitz spirit and all the jingoism that goes with it.

V for victory or rather fuck off for germ free.

That awful moment when what you thought was a number 1 turned out to be a number 2

Rol Silver badge

Re: Trying to teach...

To be fair, being able to do something well by rote is still an hard learnt achievement, and it is no wonder that people get a bit miffed when that skill is so easily dismissed.

Where I work, we are constantly having to adapt to change, and the job is quite complex. Long before we have gotten comfortable with the new procedure, it gets changed, and then changed again.

It is so disorientating and frustrating to find yourself having to constantly concentrate on a task that only last week you were doing splendidly with your eyes closed.

True, the staff still left, are very adaptable, but we have lost some very hard working people who couldn't cope with the chaos. (Ideal candidates for the job were most often somewhere on the Asperger's scale, now however, put someone with even the mildest of that condition in our environment and they go to pieces, and I include myself on that score)

Rol Silver badge

Re: Problem with learning parrot fashion

I think Excel is a perfect example where many users have just enough knowledge to bang away at it until it gets "upgraded" and then it all goes to pot.

Management just don't grasp the concept that Excel 2016 is not the same as 2003, and baulk at the suggestion that some training would be in order.

I'd love to throw them the keys to a car and answer their cries when they discover it's a model T, to "Stop complaining. It's a car. And you all know how to drive a car don't you?"

Short of tech talent to deal with novel coronavirus surge? Let us help – with free job ads on The Register

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Re: Biting the hand....

I guess it is still work in progress. The article was to my knowledge the first trumpeting of this service, inviting all and sundry to throw their job offers into the ring, so until the responses start piling in, and the scope assessed, it would be prudent to hold off on any preconceived notions of how it will be presented.

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BOFH trained freelancers available in your area. If you have a problem with management, let us manage them away.

Bespoke end to end service, or just collection and disposal.

Discretion assured.

Optional torture/humiliation (end to end service only)

All work is recorded to help with staff training and is available in a commemorative presentation pack or viewable on the usual dark net sites.

Book now and avoid the rush.



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