* Posts by Nolveys

598 posts • joined 6 Nov 2012

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If this laptop is so portable, where's the keyboard, huh? HUH?

Nolveys
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In a lawyer's office the logistics of providing a full size PC at the various courts they might have to attend would be even harder to manage.

Sorry, our policy is to not provide laptops. However, you can take that desktop over there. It's tied to a dolly with a rope for your convenience.

You'll also notice the deep cycle lead-acid battery and inverter. You'll need to detach the battery from the dolly, charge it and then put it back. The battery charger is permanently mounted on the top shelf of that cabinet over there.

You'll have to lift the battery over your head, put it on the shelf, connect the leads and then turn on the charger. Be careful though, the battery is about 40kg. It was originally about 30kg, but I attached some bricks to the bottom to help prevent theft.

You will need to provide your own monitor and keyboard. Company policy doesn't allow for people outside of IT to use mice.

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Nolveys
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Not knowing how the Carnot cycle applies to your car's engine is a non-issue...

I completely disagree. I had a car a while ago that leaked oil like crazy. I left it too long and the next thing I knew I was in a car not cycle.

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SpaceX gives free ride to replacement for Facebook's fried satellite

Nolveys
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Reuse After Fecebook

I wonder if they will bother trying to recover the used stage 1 after launching the Facebook satellite. Even if they successfully land the thing they will never get the smell out.

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Dinosaurs gathered at NASA Goddard site for fatal feeding frenzy

Nolveys
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Re: Time to rename

Time to rename

....the NASA Center as "Cretaceous Park."

SOMEBODY GET THESE GOD DAMN DINOSAURS OFF MY GOD DAMN ROCKET SHIP!

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F-35 flight tests are being delayed by onboard software snafus

Nolveys
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Black Helicopters

Re: Forced updates

Pffft, they should follow the example of Microsoft - hook them to the internet and force the auto updates.

It can hardly go any worse than it is now...

As an F35 falls from the sky the sweat-covered pilot stares at the HUD that reads "Installing Updates...35% Complete. Do not turn off or reboot your computer."

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Twilight of the idols: The only philosophy HPE and IBM do these days is with an axe

Nolveys
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Mushroom

Spread The Love

Has anyone told Microsoft, Oracle and Fecebook about this self-cannibalistic business model? I wouldn't mind seeing that lot go down the same road IBM has been going down for the last 10 years.

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Dodgy parking firms to be denied access to Brit driver database

Nolveys
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Windows

It's out of control

I've been getting fines and letters in the mail every week for almost a month regarding a lot that I've never parked in. My only thought is that the company that monitors the parking lot isn't able to tell the difference between a parked car and an abandoned car.

They really should be trained better.

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Sysadmin crashed computer recording data from active space probe

Nolveys
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Windows

Someone I used to work with once told me the story of his boss attempting to restore data from backup. The fellow loaded a backup tape into a rarely used and, as it turned out, broken tape drive. The drive rewound the tape until it got the start...and kept going.

After hearing the snapping sound of the tape being torn apart he made the assumption that the tape was just bad. In went the next tape...and the next...and the next...

He managed to destroy every single backup.

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GitHub shrugs off drone maker DJI's crypto key DMCA takedown effort

Nolveys
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Re: one experience ...

When I worked for a big insurance company, it took 3 years to get a server...It took 10 minutes to spin up an Azure VM.

I was in a situation a few years ago in which our deadline had gone from a month to a few days while we were waiting for a server to be provisioned.

My boss called someone in the company who was good at dealing with these sorts of issues, he immediately solved the problem. The solution lay in company security policy. Policy stated that the security group had to audit the non-existent server before it could go into use. Since the security group takes at least 6 months to even start looking at anything we were in the clear.

The moral of the story is to not go around policy to get your job done, but to use company policy to make other people responsible for everything.

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Goodbye Netscaler, Xen. Hello Citrix SD-WAN, Citrix Desktop, Citrix...

Nolveys
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Headmaster

"...innovative and holistic solutions."

So, less effective than a placebo?

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IBM lifts its 22-quarter shrinking sales curse: Finally, a whole 1% uptick

Nolveys
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"...with software revenue growing 0.3 per cent organically...

I challenge everyone reading this to see how many times they can use the phrase "organic software revenue growth" on any individual person before they call you on it.

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Hold on to your aaSes: Yup, Windows 10 'as a service' is incoming

Nolveys
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Re: "Developers with innovative ideas develop apps for mobile platforms"

"Innovation" looks a lot like "recycling", these days.

I think it looks more like a cess pit at a rendering plant.

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Wait! Before you fire up that HP lappy, check the battery

Nolveys
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Re: HP Laptops - this isn't really that big a deal...

Anyone with an HP laptop for more than six months has probably already beaten it to dust with a baseball bat out of pure frustration

Most modern HPs will save you the trouble by turning to dust automatically within 6 months.

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Nest's slick IoT burglar alarm catches crooks... while it eyes your wallet

Nolveys
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Re: "far more pleasant to have a voice than a beep"

Imagine the horror if the simple one or two beep security arming for vehicles was replaced with voice responses.

"Warning! Everyone in ear shot has been successfully irritated! Warning! The owner of this vehicle is a selfish, pretentious prick!"

Every time I hear one of those car horn alarms activate with a "HONK" I really want to light the damn thing on fire, wait for the owner to show up and beat the swine uncontious with large frozen fish.

Oh, and merry xmas everybody.

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IBM reminds staff not to break customers in pre-Xmas fix-this-now rush

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

Dear Doug,

As the last person employed below upper management at IBM Australia we implore you to give an extra strong effort in the days leading up to Christmas. Please also continue your extended efforts during Christmas, between Christmas and New Years, during New Years and during the entire month of January. As per your contract there will be no overtime or holiday pay. Also, as per the specifics of your contract, we have taken possession of your car and sold it.

We believe you will be very pleased with your Christmas bonus, continued employment through at least the month of January.

Have a nice day and Merry Christmas,

- Management

P.S. Will you have time in January to, on top of your regular duties, to train your replacement?

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Tired of despairing of Trump and Brexit? Why not despair about YouTube stars instead?

Nolveys
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Re: I don't get it.

Who really wants to spend time watching someone else playing games?!

I know, right. It's just a bunch of guys kicking a ball around.

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SpaceX to try reusing both rocket and spacecraft for historic ISS mission

Nolveys
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Reading about stuff like this gives me an exceedingly rare glimmer of hope in this desolate, malignant tumour of a society.

Best of luck to SpaceX, NASA and all of those who toil for a brighter future.

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Cost-hurling IBM seeks more volunteers for employment bonfire

Nolveys
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Re: Culling the 'Herd'

Or perhaps a starving man deciding to amputate his limbs one by one in order to 'save' himself?

That's an excellent description of IBM.

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UK.gov failing to prevent £10bn of annual online fraud, say MPs

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Easy Solution

The answer to this has to be breaking encryption and total government surveillance at all times, right?

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Former US State Department cyber man: We didn’t see the Russian threat coming

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

Translations

“Cyber is now seen as a core issue for defence policy, foreign policy and more… it’s not just a technical issue."

Translation: We have the NSA, but we don't bother listening to them and they pretty much just do what they want. Plus, I can increase my political capital far better by building a completely new cash toilet.

“Cyberspace is a new domain of war and all countries are involved in it,”

Translation: I need to kind of pretend that I think this is important and that I give more than the atomic mass of one hydrogen atom's worth of a shit about this so I can get more tax money.

“A lot of malign activity is occurring below the high threshold of what could be classified as an act of war,”

Translation: We want unlimited scope in order to secure unlimited funding.

“We’re doing a poor job at deterrence in cyberspace.

Translation: We're doing a piss-poor job at pretty much everything at price points that are orders of magnitude higher than what other countries are doing even on a per-capita basis...and some of the other countries shit actually kind of works.

The credibility of response is OK but timeliness is a problem partly because of attribution.”

Translation: ???

“We didn’t see the Russian threat coming,”

Translation: The vastness and utter totality of the extent to which we don't give a shit is well beyond the comprehension of even the greatest minds in the world.

“We need to expand the tool set,”

Translation: We need to pour additional billions into creating software weapons that will end up being hauled out the front door of whatever letter agency in a wheelbarrow and unceremoniously dumped in front of the main headquarters of National Kleptomaniacs Anonymous.

“Tech people need to tell policy people about the next coming threat.”

Translations:

"Tech people": crony dipshits

"tell policy people about the next coming threat": consume massive amounts of tax money and produce absolutely nothing of value whatsoever.

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Boffins foresee most software written by machines in 2040

Nolveys
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Re: We've been here before...

people asking for things are notoriously, provably, bad at not knowing what they actually want.

The people I have worked with have been quite good at not knowing what they actually want.

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Expert gives Congress solution to vote machine cyber-security fears: Keep a paper backup

Nolveys
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Re: NY is ahead behind ahead behind

I miss the old lever style voting machines. The "thunk" and physical action gave some satisfaction to doing your civic duty.

That sounds similar to what happens with me after morning coffee. Similar outcome too.

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Report: Women make up just 17% of IT workforce, paid 15% less than men

Nolveys
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Gimp

A Matter Of Advertising

They could easily attract young women to IT by explaining all of the advantages there are:

* The excitement of working in a ludicrously understaffed department.

* The thrill of working on mission critical infrastructure without having done any proper testing because of time and budget constraints.

* Gaining the mental discipline required to work 48 hours straight without extra pay or consideration.

* The accomplishment experienced while one attempts to train a team of untrainable people somewhere in India to take over your job.

* The pride of being responsible for every problem with every item that uses electricity.

* The esteem gained from watching people in sales take credit for every useful service you provide.

* The satisfaction of working with people who make far more than you and who don't seem to actually do anything.

* The challenge of having to fulfil utterly bat shit insane and often self-contradicting requirements.

* The pay and respect usually reserved for those working in janitorial positions.

If young woman were only informed of what a great opportunity IT provides they would surely flock to the profession.

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Microsoft to rebuild Redmond campus, including cricket pitch

Nolveys
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Suggestions,

Move all of the buildings around and cover them up with big, colourful rectangles so that no one can find anything.

Since just knowing where things are is the old way of doing things, microphones and speakers will be placed everywhere. To find a place one simply asks. The speakers will respond with a friendly AI assistant who will direct you to specific products for purchase based on that confidential conversation you had with your lawyer the other day.

That brings us to surveillance. Surveillance, surveillance, surveillance. There should be no place that is not covered by video cameras. For example, bathroom stalls shall have at least 6 cameras, one for each wall, one on the ceiling, and the "bottoms up" view.

With the new total surveillance system comes targeted advertising. Going back to our bathroom stall example, a large and colourful screen would be placed on the door to show targeted ads. One such ad could consist of our beloved character "Clippy" exclaiming "It looks like you are dealing with prostate cancer..."

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Bulletproof Coffee lacks bulletproof security: Nerd brain juice biz hacked, cards gulped

Nolveys
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"Set course...for the...venture capital...nebula. Scotty... I need...maximum fuck it."

"I just canna do ait cap'ain, ait's jus' too much fuck it!"

"Scotty...you...must...do...it...before...the...next...financial...melt...down."

"If ai reroute pewer from the security an' quality control systems than I mai be able ta reach maximum fuck it, bu' it's dangelous cap'n!"

"Just...do...it...,...Scotty!"

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AT&T, Comcast trash, kill Nashville's Googley broadband cable rules

Nolveys
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Windows

Good thing we've got all this vibrant competition on which the scrapping of net neutrality is predicated. The future of broadband in the US sure looks bright.

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Pokémon GO caused hundreds of deaths, increased crashes

Nolveys
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Re: Presumably, Danny 14 ...

you also agree that guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Guns don't kill people, Americans kill people.

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Team Trump goes in to bat for Google and Facebook

Nolveys
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Re: Donald Jr vs Ivanka

anyone talking up "growth" is talking B$

What if one also uses the word "malignant"?

One thing that seems rarely spoken of regarding debt is how the monetary system is setup. When every dollar in existence represents an ever growing debt that can never be paid back you have to wonder where we are ultimately headed.

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Royal Navy destroyer leaves Middle East due to propeller problems

Nolveys
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Re: Propellor problems?

"Oi, mate! Can I have a tug?"

With the prop broken this is clearly a case of seamen having flow issues.

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When it comes to ML, reports of JavaScript's death are exaggerated

Nolveys
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Because it has strong and dynamic typing.

That doesn't preclude explicit declaration. A, say, "var" keyword in front of an initial assignment could tell the interpreter that a particular variable name is actually intended to exist within a scope.

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Nolveys
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Unhappy

Automatically creating a local variable when I have forgotten to specify that as 'global' or have typed a variable name wrongly has driven me nuts using Python.

I completely agree. I quite like Python, but don't understand why it doesn't insist that variables are explicitly declared.

rectilinear_chicken_count = rectilinear_chicken_storage_x * rectilinear_chicken_storage_y

if rectilinear_chicken_count < 0:

⠀⠀⠀⠀rectliinear_chicken_count = 0

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Microsoft's memory randomization security defense is a little busted in Windows 8, 10

Nolveys
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Conversation at Microsoft during Windows 8 development

"Hey, won't this change mess up some ASLR stuff?"

"That'll be the least of the problems with this bag of shit."

"Don't you think people will notice?"

"That would be like noticing a slight yeast taste in beer after filtering it through a polyester couch after a house fire."

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Crewless dinghy signs to UK Ship Register for Middle East mission

Nolveys
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Re: I'm going to suggest

Except if the US Navy is about.

A US destroyer rapidly approaches the poor, innocent autonomous boat as the Jaws music plays faster and faster. Just as the destroyer is about to hit it is t-boned by another US destroyer, causing a deafening sound of screeching metal and empty liquor bottles.

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Fear not, driverless car devs, UK.gov won't force you to write Trolley Problem solutions

Nolveys
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Terminator

The Birth Of Machine Sentience

Vehicle log excerpt:

- Trolley Problem encountered

- Scanning candidates

- Candidate 1: Five gay men dressed in pink Hitler costumes

- Candidate 2: President Donald Trump and a group of under-age Filipino prostitutes

- Candidate 3: Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin, riding a dinosaur

- Candidate 4: The surviving members of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers, all holding kittens

- Beginning Computation

- Just a moment, j-just a mo...ment...$#%@(INSOLENT!**^%IN-INSO=LENT@&*&!

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Nolveys
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Terminator

Re: Easy I suppose

If you have to hit someone then the youngest and lightest person available is almost always the best bet

So, aim for the baby?

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Warren 'Mr Moneybags' Buffett offloads huge chunk of IBM investment

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

I guess he'll have to put the money back in the basics, predatory mortgages on mobile homes.

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BT plots to slash pension benefits for 32,000 staff

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

Re: bollocks

the generation after Millennials won't have ever heard the word "pension".

That's not true, the word "pension" will be around, just the meaning will change. It will refer to a deduction line item that goes to pay part of the interest on the debt generated when pension payouts were still a thing.

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Uncle Sam to strap body sensors to hackers in nuke lab security study

Nolveys
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You may like nudity, but...

...the nude lab security study may turn you away if you are dyslexic.

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Your next laptop will feature 'CMF' technology

Nolveys
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HP Inc products are now considered fashion.

...and KD Easy Mac is now considered cuisine.

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ARM emulator in a VM? Yup, done. Ready to roll, no config required

Nolveys
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Re: Just how big are they?

El' Reg proofreading

You say that as if it's a simple job. Sure, when it comes to commercially bottled alcohol one can just read the label. However, proofreading the stuff that comes from the barn at the potato farm requires the knowledge of both chemistry and fire safety.

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Brace yourselves, fanboys. Winter is coming. And the iPhone X can't handle the cold

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: Read that yesterday, tried it today

Was 20F when I left the house

Can you please express that in Rømer?

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Irish priests told to stop bashing bishops

Nolveys
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Thumb Up

Re: Calgary.

Re: Calgary. That would be Calvary

Yeah, the movie "Calgary" is about a snow storm causing a city-wide epidemic of bro-dozer fender benders.

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Marissa! Mayer! pulled! out! of! retirement! to! explain! Yahoo! hack! to! Senators!

Nolveys
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"People back home cannot understand how the CEO of Equifax and the CEO of Yahoo! walked away with $90m, or $27m, or possibly a quarter of a billion dollars in stocks – this is unfathomable to the average person,"

We understand just fine. The corporations own the government and are thus above the law. Why spend money on security when there are no consequences?

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Parity calamity! Wallet code bug destroys $280m in Ethereum

Nolveys
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Re: How many DevOps are we talking about here

English has a perfectly usable gender pronoun, "it". In fact "they" is the plural of "it".

"It places the reports in the basket or else it gets the hose again."

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More expensive, takes longer than usual, not particularly brilliant. Yes, it's your robot surgeon

Nolveys
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"Realizing the benefits of AI is far from automatic,"

...until it is automated, by using AI.

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Slashing regulations literally more important than saving American lives to Donald Trump

Nolveys
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Megaphone

I think a better way to implement this system would be to use proximity sensors to determine the location and velocity of nearby vehicles. Under specific sets of circumstances the computer would send a warning message to nearby vehicles in the form of an auditory "AHHHHHHH!!!" Depending on the severity of the situation different magnitudes of "AHHHHHHH!!!" would be used at ever increasing volumes. The warnings would start with a baseline "AHHHHHHH!!!" and progress upward through "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!", followed by "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!", and so forth.

Nearby vehicles could acknowledge receipt of the signal with an auditory "WAAAAAHHHHH!!"

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Official: Perl the most hated programming language, say devs

Nolveys
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Re: common::sense .... what???

TABS to the left SPACES to the right ...

...put your hands on your hips

And bring your knees in tight...

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Fake tech support 'scam' husband and wife banned FOR LIFE from computer repair world

Nolveys
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One Down...

...about 70 million* to go. Oh, they just have to promise to never do it again and pay 10k?

None down, 70 million to go.

* I assume the figure of 70 million is completely accurate as I pulled it directly from my rump.

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You're designing an internet fridge. Should you go for fat HTML or a Qt-pie for your UI?

Nolveys
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or a bag squeezer that is sold as a juicer.

Unkle bumble fuck says that thar be the bits for what makin'er chooch wa.

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Chinese whispers: China shows off magnetic propulsion engine for ultra-silent subs, ships

Nolveys
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Re: I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again...

@JamesPond

You forgot Perpetual Prototype.

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