* Posts by Nolveys

452 posts • joined 6 Nov 2012

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Sweden leaked every car owners' details last year, then tried to hush it up

Nolveys
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Big Brother

Stories like this sure make me glad that the government is surveilling every aspect of everyone's existence possible and storing it all in huge databases. Of course there's no way that all could leak out as we know that government spy agencies are leak-proof.

I'd love to see another Snowden/Shadow Brokers, but instead of releasing evidence of mass criminal activity or stealing and releasing malware this new person/group would dox congress. I'm talking every filthy little detail down to the lung capacity to the pet budgie owned by the transvestite prostitute that insert-ultra-right-wing-senator-here sees every Friday. That might do something to wake up our garbage legislators and maybe even the private sector to how dangerous this stuff can be.

On the other hand, it probably would just encourage them to surveil more and move on to more important things.

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China censors drop the soap operas, sitcoms

Nolveys
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Coat

Re: Prison populations

The Saudi one would be interesting to know.

I'm sure someone will give you a hand with that.

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Burglary, robbery, kidnapping and a shoot-out over… a domain name?!

Nolveys
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Windows

I could see this happening

A colossal asshole I used to work for, who I will call Captain Fantastic, setup a whole bunch of domains for different companies in the area...without giving access to the customers. He also hosted. His hosting was farcically unreliable, up and down like a toilet seat at a bean-tasting party. Once the company he was reselling from vanished into the ether. There was no backup.

Captain Fantastic was a black hole when trying to contact him to get domains back (or to get *anything* done). Contacting the registrar and explaining the situation caused them to email Captain Fantastic who emailed them back claiming that the people trying to get their domains were lying.

Captain Fantastic even managed to double-fuck some people. There was an auto shop who's domain he had control of. He somehow got them to do thousands of dollars of work on his vehicle on credit, didn't pay and then brutally dicked them with their domain and hosting.

Luckily he sold his hosting company early this year to someone who isn't an asshole. However, this was after the better part of a decade of dragging his customers/victims through the BS.

It wouldn't have surprised me at all if a group of dudes with baseball bats had paid Captain Fantastic a visit and forced him to do domain transfers.

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Q. What's today's top language? A. Python... no, wait, Java... no, C

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: Learn all of them, but NOT Java

Regarding Python, people seem to assume that just because they use Python, their code is good, even when it is actively terrible.

import time

def get_tomorrows_date():

⠀⠀⠀⠀time.sleep( 24*60*60 )

⠀⠀⠀⠀return time.strftime('%Y-%m-%d')

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The eyes have IT: TSB to roll out iris-scanning tech for mobile banking

Nolveys
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Big Brother

It's like my Daddy used to say,

"In the land of the blind..."

(The drug dealer leans forward and the moonlight catches his face, and we see that both of his eyes are gone from their sockets.)

"...the one eyed-man is King".

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NAND then there was a second growth quarter... IBM reports flash surge

Nolveys
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Mushroom

Storage – up 8 per cent annually

"Of course, Storage. I forgot all about Storage. I knew there was a division where I forgot to fire all of the non-management employees. Load the pink paper in the printer, we've got some peons to dispose of."

- Ginni

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Stop all news – it's time for us plebs to be told about BBC paycheques!

Nolveys
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Windows

Of course the real news today is that the retirement date has quietly been pushed forward to 68 for those currently between 39 and 47.

Retirement will be the new Fusion, always 20 years away. Maybe the government will good enough to provide us with those nice relaxing rooms with the music and nature videos that were featured in the film Soylent Green.

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UK regulator set to ban ads depicting bumbling manchildren

Nolveys
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Boffin

Re: The only stereotypes left

until someone works how to make men lactate

How about genetically via an extremely contagious virus? Also, the lactation wouldn't be normal lactation, it would be unexpected explosive projectile lactation.

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Nolveys
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Meh

Re: This is a good thing

A business (launched) a laundry product - that was targeted at - men

I hate buying stuff like shampoo. I have to sift through a huge shelf with twenty separate "Lavavaline" products with labels like "Gentle Restorative Full Body Formula For Split Ends" and "conditioner" written in tiny letters off to the side somewhere.

Personally I'd love to see a product line with labels consisting of big, black, block text on while labeled as so:

Fucking Shampoo - It's Just Normal Fucking Shampoo

Fucking Dish Soap - Guess What, It's Dish Soap

Fucking Toothpaste - It's Toothpaste, That's All There Is To Say

Fucking Bar Soap - Bar Soap, buy it and fuck off.

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Linus Torvalds may have damned systemd with faint praise

Nolveys
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Gimp

Re: no systemd here

My home systems were Debian. I didn't do a clean install of Devuan, I just changed repositories, so that upgrades wouldn't include systemd dependencies. It's been completely painless.

I didn't know you could do that, thanks for the info.

I'm still on Debian, but Jessie is the end of the line.

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Nolveys
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Boffin

Re: It's a phase young programmers go through

No chance, they'd merge. And we'd definitely need to shoot what staggered out.

Now that you mention it, the evolution of systemd does closely resemble Jeff Goldblum's transformation in "The Fly" (1986).

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Juicy fine for Bradford firm after it blurts one million spam texts

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

£80,000...

That'll but a big dent in their £262.9 million net income.

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'Help! I'm stuck in this ATM,' writes poor bloke on a scribbled note

Nolveys
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Happy

I'm glad this worked out better than when those three midgets who got caught in the condom dispenser.

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Russia, China vow to kill off VPNs, Tor browser

Nolveys
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IIRC if you have the "cooperation" of the ISP then you can spoof a certificate for a MITM intercept.

You'd need to either add a root cert to the machine running the browser or have control of a "legit" signing authority. Company intranet SSL stuff works via the add-a-cert-to-the-boxen method.

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Mappy days! Ordnance Survey offers up free map of UK greenery

Nolveys
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Windows

Date Night

"So honey, according to the map we have several options. Do you want to take the bum path, the drunk path, the pervert path, the mugging path or the stabby path?"

"Anything, just as long as we don't have to go back the way we came."

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Microsoft's Azure chief: What's good for cloud is good for on-premises too

Nolveys
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Re: "I'll forgive him Silverlight - good implementation of a bad idea."

Less* (vulnerabilities) than Flash though

If one were able to graph a program's vulnerabilities in 2 space then Flash would look like the Mandelbrot set.

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Samba slip-up smackdown: HPE stops NonStop Server bugs

Nolveys
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Re: All hail the mighty Nonstop!

Software eventually works.

And then it's replaced with something completely worthless.

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Bloke takes over every .io domain by snapping up crucial name servers

Nolveys
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Unhappy

Such a missed opportunity for the mass promotion of midget hang glider porn.

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'My dream job at Oracle left me homeless!' – A techie's relocation horror tale

Nolveys
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Unhappy

Trust...

...is the emotion you experience just before a knife slides into your back. That goes double for a company like Oracle.

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Biometric data stolen from corporate lunch rooms system

Nolveys
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Thumb Up

The bad news: they can't change people's fingerprints.

The good news: the rectal scanning wands have already been installed.

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Oz government wants its own definition of what 'backdoor' means

Nolveys
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Big Brother

Re: A rose by any other name can still give you hayfever

if the analogy were accurate, the contents of the filing cabinet would be written in code....

...and the stasi could check it at any time without your knowledge.

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While USA is distracted by its President's antics, China is busy breaking another fusion record

Nolveys
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Re: "some physicists reject his theories"

catalytically converts hydrogen directly into dark matter

I've never heard of cats converting hydrogen into dark matter, but they can do it with cat food so who knows?

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Britain's warhead-watcher to simulate Trident nukes with Atos supercomputer

Nolveys
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Mushroom

Simulation Running Notification

People will need to know if the machine is running a simulation or not. I'd suggest the following audio cue:

AHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!! WAAAAAAAAAOHAHHHHHHOOOOOO!!! AHHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!!!

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Time to rethink machine learning: The big data gobble is OFF the menu

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

valuing programmers...and rewarding them

I understand the words individually but together they make no sense. It works if you change "programmers" to "sales people". Maybe it's like last year when we gave the programmers coupons for 25% off of cans of bondo for their late 90's vehicles in lieu of Christmas bonuses?

Of course we did the bondo thing because the sales people were complaining about all the ugly vehicles with holes in them. We later came up with a better solution to the problem by renting a dirt lot on the other side of the highway for the programmers to park in. I think that exercise is important and having the programmers cross the dirt lot, a six-lane highway, our parking lot and our very impressive lobby (we got marble floors in there last year, by the way) improves output. We have had a few programmers hit by cars, but they probably weren't team players.

Now when clients come to our offices they only see brand-new BMWs and Audis parked in the front lot. Projecting a successful image is the most important thing, after all.

Well, I've got to go. I'm implementing a new program whereby we can monitor how much off-hours time programmers spend sleeping in their cubicles so we can charge rent.

- Dylan "Booya" Skilling, CIO

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SpaceX halts Intelsat 35e launch twice in a row

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Violation Of Abort Criteria

Standing down today due to a violation of abort criteria...

That clears things up.

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Male escort says he gave up IT to do something more meaningful

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: ?

Posting this comment in an article that is otherwise about sex is more than a little disturbing...

What's so ba-a-a-ad about it?

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Sailor Moon? More like sail to the Moon: Japan vows to set foot on lunar soil by 2030

Nolveys
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Re: Just ONE astronaut?

Does JAXA intend to send just one astronaut to land on the Moon

That's just what I was thinking. Sending one lone person sounds really dangerous.

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Big question: Who gets the blame if a cyborg drops a kid on its head?

Nolveys
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Re: STOP

For the success condition to apply does the baby have to be in one piece?

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Did you know? Today is International Asteroid Day! Wouldn't it be amazing if one were to...

Nolveys
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@Destroy All Monsters

Because you ain't gonna meet the asteroid with "renewable energy" sources.

You could probably figure out a global system using batteries and solar to crank out Slayer at volume eleven for "long enough".

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Not that scary or that hard: Two decades of VLANS

Nolveys
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Thumb Up

Saves space and some sanity

We finally got some vlan switches in the place I was at in 2006ish. Before that we had two routers running OpenBSD with two 4 port ethernet cards each. The pile of switches and cables that were disgorged during the upgrade was significant.

It was so nice having one single cable going into each of the routers. The rats nest became downright manageable.

Unfortunately there are some things that vlans can't fix. The morbidly obese owner, who I will call Captain Fantastic, let his chain smoking, alcoholism and reality-tv-show-worthy gluttony gradually morph into extreme hypertension[1], congestive heart failure and narcolepsy[2]. The aforementioned caused Captain Fantastic's brain to mostly turn off, which didn't mix well with his love for tax fraud and fraud[3] in general.

[1] Captain Fantastic said it was "type 2" hypertension. I looked it up and the only reason it was "type 2" is because they stop counting at 2. I can't remember the exact numbers, but his blood pressure was something along the lines of 290/220. His legs lost all definition, no knees, no ankles, just two giant sausages.

[2] He'd nod off mid-conversation. I later found out that he could only sleep sitting up as the fat would completely prevent him from breathing when laying down. The fat gradually got to the point where it prevented him from breathing properly even when sitting. Since he'd never really sleep as sleeping and dying were pretty much the same thing he developed narcolepsy. Luckily the narcolepsy didn't prevent him from driving as he had preconditioned himself by frequently driving with obscene amounts of alcohol in his blood.

One night his wife found him, sitting and completely unresponsive. This was the second time they ambulanced him into emergency (are medical forklifts a thing?). I was told that the next day he was responsive and the heart surgeon paid him a visit (again). The surgeon told everyone to leave the room, closed the door and proceeded to scream very un-surgeon-like things such as "stupid fucking asshole" and "shithead" at Captain Fantastic.

[3] At some about two years before the business mushroom clouded Captain Fantastic decided he was a race car driver, bought a brand new ford mustang and spent the next one and one half years pouring money into the car. This is at a time when we could have heated the building with all of the bills containing phrases like "final notice", "legal action will be taken" and "some guys with crowbars are coming". He would always wear his Mustang Racing leather jacket and cap that must have required a small bovine genocide to construct. Then came the bills addressed to "Captain Fantastic Racing Company". I guess you can just start a blatantly bullshit company, request credit from local businesses and you'll actually get it.

Eventually came Captain Fantastic's plans to transfer ownership of his empire of shit to someone and then declare bankruptcy. The trouble was that no one would touch that steaming pile with an 80' barge pole. That was about when I bailed out.

Years later a mutual acquaintance acquired Captain Fantastic's hosting business. Captain Fantastic had managed to keep a hold of it by selling it to his wife before he declared bankruptcy and the government came around to perform a prostate examination with a shovel. The incredibly unreliable hosting company he had moved to after the last completely unreliable company went mammaries skyward had evaporated overnight. Captain Fantastic had no backups, but he did have ownership of all of his customer's domains.

Over the years I'd managed to wrestle two domains from Captain Fantastic after some of this customers had somehow managed to find me and threw themselves at my feet as they screamed, cried and pointed at their rag wearing, emaciated children. Getting the domains back took months and was about as much fun as trying to steal weapons from a police station, after phoning up said police station and telling them you're coming to steal their weapons.

And that's why VLANs are great!

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Robots will enable a sustainable grey economy

Nolveys
Silver badge
Terminator

Re: "We've just seen how hard it is politically to address these issues."

@John Smith 19

Across town a carer on minimum wage is performing her third "manual evacuation" of the week on an constipated codger...

My "techno fix" would be a human sized and shaped remotely operated avatar which was strong enough and agile enough to handle elderly care,

"All right Mr. Colnberst, we'll get you cleaned out straight away. Just hold still."

"OHJESUSGOD!"

"I'm so sorry Mr. Colnberst, this thing is acting up again. Let me call tech support."

"Hello, this is tech support. How may I help you toda...ooohhhh, that's what you're doing right now."

"The arm on this thing isn't moving properly. It should be making a slow, gentle movement, but it's just slamming down hard."

"Let me just try resetting the control unit here."

"MOTHEROFGOD!!!"

"Well, that shouldn't have happened. Let me check the servo calibration."

"SWEETJESUSMARYMAGDALENE!!!!"

"Huh, everything I do seems to cause the arm to actuate. Let me try a factory default reset."

"OHMYGODOHMYGODMOTHEROFGODJESUSGOD!!!"

"The control unit isn't responding..."

"AHHHHHHHHH-AHHHHHHHHHH-AHHHHHHHH!!!"

"I think the arm's trying to seek to it's factory default position, but Mr...is it Colnberst...is in the way, so it just keeps trying again and again."

"OUR FATHER-UUUHHHHHHHHAAA-WHO ART IN HEAVEN-EEEEEYYYYYYHHHHHAAAAA-HALLOWED BE-GAAAAAAAAA!!!"

"Yeah, okay, uhhh, I've come to the conclusion that the problem is because of your internet. You'll have to call your ISP. Have a nice day." (click)

"Hello? Hello?!"

"THOUGH I WALK THROUGH-OHMYGAAAAAAAD-VALLEY OF THE SHADOW-GUUUUAAAAA-FEAR NO EVIL-RAAAAAWWWW-WILL IT NEVER END!!!?"

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Don't panic, but Linux's Systemd can be pwned via an evil DNS query

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: Afterthoughts

@Hans 1

I sincerely hope this is a one-off...

Hope into one hand...

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Nolveys
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Re: Hang on, all y'all ...

@rtfazeberdee

nice one, you just proved you no nothing about systemd

Lennart, is that you?

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NATO: 'Cyber' is a military domain

Nolveys
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Holmes

“cyber” is a “military domain”

$ dig cyber

; <<>> DiG 9.7.3 <<>> cyber

;; global options: +cmd

;; Got answer:

;; ->>HEADER<<- opcode: QUERY, status: NXDOMAIN, id: 37827

;; flags: qr rd ra; QUERY: 1, ANSWER: 0, AUTHORITY: 1, ADDITIONAL: 0

;; QUESTION SECTION:

;cyber. IN A

;; AUTHORITY SECTION:

. 10013 IN SOA a.root-servers.net. nstld.verisign-grs.com. 2017062900 1800 900 604800 86400

;; Query time: 0 msec

;; SERVER: 127.0.0.1#53(127.0.0.1)

;; WHEN: Thu Jun 29 06:56:00 2017

;; MSG SIZE rcvd: 98

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Murdoch's £11.7bn Sky takeover referred to competition regulator

Nolveys
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Windows

I really hope he dies soon.

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How to avoid getting hoodwinked by a DevOps hustler

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: If they’re a 'DevOps Expert', they probably aren’t

@Ragarath

Has anyone figured out what devops is yet?

DevOps is a results-oriented, forward-thinking reimagining of interdepartmental synergistic methodologies for thought leaders that applies strategically empowered dynamic core principals to agile industry championing.

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Kaspersky Lab US staff grilled by Feds in nighttime swoop

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: Kapersky has done more to stop computer security threats...

Kapersky has done more to stop computer security threats...than the US government, it's spy agencies, law enforcement and Microsoft combined.

My toilet's had a more positive influence on computer security than the US government, its spy agencies, law enforcement and Microsoft combined.

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Mozilla dev and Curl inventor Daniel Stenberg denied travel to USA

Nolveys
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Happy

Always Look On The Bright Side

At least he avoided being sodomized at the airport by the Traveller Sodomization Administration and then sent back home for no reason.

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HMS Windows XP: Britain's newest warship running Swiss Cheese OS

Nolveys
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@Ellis

...just what you need when a F35B is hurtling toward the end of the flight deck, flying on fumes with only half a wing.

That would be during takeoff, right?

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Microsoft: We'll beef up security in Windows 10 Creators Edition Fall Update

Nolveys
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Creator's Edition

What is with this "Creator's Edition" nonsense? MS had completely lost touch with its market. They need to go back to the drawing board and provide their customers with what we really need, "Alcoholic Wage Slave Edition".

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Snoop Dogg swerves Glasto, plays Pure Storage gig #keepitreal

Nolveys
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@Andy

Corporate gigs are the worst place to enjoy yourself either as an attendee or a performer.

The trick is to find a beligerent drunk that you can direct at random people. It's kind of like bowling, except that the pins try to be polite for a while and then run away. Sometimes the bowling ball falls over.

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Northern Ireland bags £150m for broadband pipes in £1bn Tory bribe

Nolveys
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Happy

Re: @ Martin

@AC

(over a barrel) is a nautical term, which derives from the practice of hanging a drowned, usually unconscious person over a barrel to clear their lungs of water. The fate of the "patient" was determined solely by the actions of those administering the treatment. In other words, he was at their mercy.

Thanks, that was informative. As most of the people here are taxpayers you should also explain the term "in the barrel".

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ICO fines 'Wolf of Wall Street' electrical survey biz for nuisance calls

Nolveys
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Meh

£50,000

That'll take them almost a whole afternoon to make up.

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Canadian sniper makes kill shot at distance of 3.5 KILOMETRES

Nolveys
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Black Helicopters

Re: Canadians vs Americans

Canucks...aim to do more with less.

I remember that by the time the CH-124 helicopters were replaced they all had extra gauges installed to measure the change in mass due to parts falling off. The pilots had to really be on the ball and use both the fuel gauge and the parts meter to try and ballpark how many parts had been lost. This would often become more difficult as the flight went on as the fuel gauge would often fall off.

It was generally not recommended to fly with less than 80% of the parts still attached. For longer missions crews were provided with large baskets full of binder twine, duct tape and chewing gum.

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US Air Force resumes F-35A flights despite not knowing why pilot oxygen systems failed

Nolveys
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Re: To put it another way

@kernel

"“This is a complex challenge that necessitates multidimensional solutions across a series of steps to get back to a full operating capability."

Or, as we would say in English, "We have no effing idea!"

I took that to read "I'm so used to drowning in bullshit that I don't even notice anymore".

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Nolveys
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Windows

Simple Fix?

Have they tried changing the O2 Output Level setting from politician to pilot? The pilot setting is in the vertebrate sub-menu. Just remember to explicitly select "pilot" and then select "apply" or you will set it to "bovine".

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Microsoft says Skype outages are over – a few hours too early

Nolveys
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Headmaster

The Register reached out to Microsoft...

Is that like "reaching out at"? I usually just get a face of stingy liquid when I try that.

Did you try contacting them?

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IBM's contractor crackdown continues: Survivors refusing pay cut have hours reduced

Nolveys
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Windows

You know...

...I haven't seen the film "Titanic" in a while. Remember when those people fell off the stern and hit the propellers on their way down to the icy water below? Yeah, that was great.

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The Internet of Flying Thing: Reg man returns with explicit shots

Nolveys
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Mushroom

I sure hope there's a good barrier between the infotainment systems and the stuff that makes the things go.

https://imgur.com/j9o6nUw

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2 kool 4 komputing: Teens' interest in GCSE course totally bombs

Nolveys
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Windows

@Doctor Syntax

The way pay has always been in science, and the way it seems to be going in IT, both seems to be mugs' games these days.

Nail on the head there. The only people who seem to be making good money these days are those who can somehow skim off the top or downright steal or extort (or work for the government). Anyone who does actual work for a living is screwed.

If I had a kid and they said they were going into computing as a career I think I'd have the same reaction as Thomas Jane at the end of The Mist.

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