* Posts by Nolveys

632 posts • joined 6 Nov 2012

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NASA’s new exoplanet-spotter survives sling past the Moon

Nolveys
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Re: Impressive use of orbital design to extend probe life without increasing weight.

He was very drunk at the time.

But he was definitely in the right.

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Africa's internet body in full-blown meltdown: 'None of the above' wins board protest vote

Nolveys
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Windows

None Of The Above

The "None Of The Above" slot should be necessary on all ballots.

Also, first-past-the-post should never be used.

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Wanted that Windows 10 update but have an Intel SSD? Computer says no

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: Just Had Fun With This

You know that Win 10 is supposed to run with UEFI, not BIOS?

Don't try to teach an old NolVeys new acronyms. Just replace every instance of BIOS in my post with "A giant bag of barely-functional binary blob shit".

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Nolveys
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Windows

Just Had Fun With This

A machine with a NVMe would download the Fall Creators Update, display the message "updating, do not turn off or reboot..." for half an hour and reboot. If the user stared at the screen at boot the error message "Something went wrong, but we won't tell you what" popped up for a split second before an odd, graphical pre-boot menu gave the option to boot normally. The process would then restart.

It turned out that there's a problem which causes the BIOS SMART test to fail, even though the drive works fine. This is reported to the operating system which fails without saying what is going on.

The problem can be "fixed" by disabling SMART in the BIOS. It sure would have been nice if the OS or BIOS had bothered to tell me what was wrong rather than having me aimlessly wondering the internet for hours and hours...

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Date engraved onto net neutrality tombstone: June 11, 2018

Nolveys
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Windows

Hopefully, if crony scum bag Pai gets his way, all the states will enact their own versions of net neutrality. Hopefully they will all be insanely complex and mutually incompatible. Then the ISP pricks that tried to push this filth through will gain no advantage and will have to implement batshit insane systems in every different state.

It's sad though, the US used to be the envy of the world for freedom and prosperity. Now they are competing with the other Western nations to see who can be the biggest shitbag...and mostly winning.

I hope Musk gets his rockets human-ready and cheap soon. It's time to leave.

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Microsoft vows to bridge phones to PCs, and this time it means it. Honest.

Nolveys
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Windows

Oh Goodie

Hopefully this will just be another collection of half-baked alphabet soup "technologies" that will end up on the Microsoft trash heap in two years time.

Though if history is any guide it will be a bunch of blatantly stupid and obligatory UI changes of value to no one. I don't think I could come up with anything worse than ribbons and tiles, even as a joke. The best I can do is "replace everything with dog asses", but that would probably be more usable than the current mess.

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Microsoft wants serious, non-gaming developers to make more money

Nolveys
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Trollface

Math Is Hard

Can someone tell me what 95% of zero is?

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Warren Buffett says cryptocurrency attracts charlatans, AI won’t change investing

Nolveys
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Windows

Good Ol' Buffett

He brings such decency and integrity to selling poor and foolish people predatory mortgages on mobile homes.

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Cookie code compromise caper caught and crumbled

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Explain It To Captain Stupid

I never really got the whole node.js thing. Can someone here please explain it to me in El Reg terms? That is to say, could some cynical bastard explain it in terms of alcohol and sexual innuendo?

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HP Ink to compensate punters for bricking third-party ink cartridges

Nolveys
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Windows

Power Adapters Too

HP is pulling the same shyte with their power adapters. If you look at the connector on an HP power brick there's a good chance that you'll see a thin, pointy pin in the middle. That pin connects to a chip in the adaptor that lets the HP computer know what the 19.5V is "Genuine HP 19.5V", vastly superior to "Brand X 19.5V". You can tell that the HP power is superior from the price of a replacement adapter, if you can find it.

HP kit has been complete garbage for ages now. I can't believe that people still buy it.

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Open Internet lovin' Comcast: Buy our TV service – or no faster broadband for you!

Nolveys
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Windows

Same In Kanukistan

Shaw Cable offered a similar deal in Alberta, Canada about 7 years ago. When a friend of mine called them to order the service they asked what kind of TV he had and he responded that he didn't have one. My friend was told that he couldn't order the service without owning a TV, even though he had no intention of watching cable, he just wanted the internet.

So my friend drove down to the recycling depot and pulled a TV that looked like it had been run over by a tractor out of one of the bins. He took said TV home and propped it up on it's side against the wall in his office. When the installer saw it he asked if my friend actually wanted the TV hooked up, to which he declined. My friend still got his internet.

It's interesting the things we do these days solely to satisfy arbitrary requirements.

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No top-ups, please, I'm a millennial: Lightweight yoof shunning booze like never before

Nolveys
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Windows

Nobody minds a man having a morning eye-opener and it's OK to have a bracer about 10 A.M. and a couple of drinks before lunch. A few beers on a hot afternoon keeps a man healthy, or at least happy. And, of course everyone drinks at a cocktail hour. A man can't be criticized for having wine with his dinner, a liqueur afterwards, and a highball or two during the evening. But this business of sip, sip, sip, all day long has got to stop!

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IBM Australia to end on-shore software support

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Off-Shore Support

IBM’s Technology Support Services operation will “officially” end on-shore software support on June 30th in Australia and New Zealand, The Register has learned.

This is much less of a problem than it sounds. Both Australia and New Zealand are in excellent positions for chucking IBM's stuff in the ocean.

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Windows 10 April 2018 Update lands today... ish

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: Update

"So if I turn Focus Assist on Windows 10 will stop bugging me about updates..."

That's already covered by active hours.

You're right, windows updates haven't been a problem for me since the windows update that made my computer crash on boot.

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Double double, soil and trouble, fire burn and heat shield bubble: NASA cracks rover, has dirty talk with ESA

Nolveys
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Trollface

Re: Is this a trick question?

'We could save a lot of money if we combine testing with rollout'.

Works for Microsoft.

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Boss sent overpaid IT know-nothings home – until an ON switch proved elusive

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: I have a software version of this story

cheque-printing job...

This story doesn't really fit in with the theme of the conversation, but the mention of "cheque-printing job" reminded me of it.

I was in the comptroller's office of a medium-sized manufacturing company dealing with a printer issue. I managed to send a large report to the cheque printer in the next room. By the time I realized what I had done the printer had burned through its entire massive stack of cheques. The cheques had little hologram thingies on them and looked really fancy, so they were probably not cheap.

I got the printer issue fixed, sent the report to the correct printer, gave the report the comptroller and she thanked me. I then said "Aaaand here's a huge pile of cheques that I destroyed. See ya!" and ran from the room before she could respond.

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Yahoo! fined! $35m! for! covering! up! massive! IT! security! screwup!

Nolveys
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Trollface

Re: So 1.1 cents per record

And they say that breaches are expensive.

Pretty expensive, it works out to $350,000 per user.

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Windows 10 Springwatch: See the majestic Microsoft in its natural habitat, fixing stuff the last patch broke

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: In the old days

Of course we're all pining for the days when Microsoft released updates that always worked perfectly first time.

Those far off, imaginary days....

There was a period in the early 00's when MS did a big push toward better QA in response to rampant security problems. Things improved quite a bit between XP and XP SP3.

Oh well, so much for that.

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Twenty years ago today: Windows 98 crashed live on stage with Bill Gates. Let's watch it again...

Nolveys
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Gimp

Re: It's always great entertainment

Just Google up "Microsoft on stage fail".

Guests in the first 8 rows will get wet also the splash zone is up to 12 rows.

WOOOOOOOOO!!!!

DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

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Huawei CEO sings 'Bye, bye, mister American Pai', trims US C-suite

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Eric Xu, one of Huawei's three rotating CEOs...

If you're a CEO of Huawei then you can afford chairs with really good bearings.

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Using Outlook? You should probably do some patching

Nolveys
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Hey Microsoft, if you could do a patch that would get rid of "Outlook is not responding" that'd be great, thanks.

Microsoft is not responding...

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Microsoft patches patch for Meltdown bug patch: Windows 7, Server 2008 rushed an emergency fix

Nolveys
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Re: Testing?

I mean you make a patch, surely you should check to see if it did what you wanted it to do?

That's exactly what they did, they installed their patch on their millions of test machines located in homes and businesses all over the world. Then they learned that they fucked it up and tried again. And again.

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Java-aaaargh! Google faces $9bn copyright bill after Oracle scores 'fair use' court appeal win

Nolveys
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Torn

On the one hand this idiotic judgement will, if it stands, have horrible implications throughout the industry.

On the other hand Java is a fucking abomination. I'd like to see all vestiges of it attached to the leading edge of a descending techtonic plate.

The best outcome would be for both Oracle and Google to loose. The judge would say "No, you can't copyright an API. Also, you are assholes. Oracle is hereby ordered to pay $80bn to some guy named Bob who lives out in the desert somewhere. Google has to pay Bob $50bn, because you are also a bunch of pricks."

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Linux Foundation backs new ‘ACRN’ hypervisor for embedded and IoT

Nolveys
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Windows

Entertainment Computer and Touch Screen

This is a suggestion for auto manufacturers:

Instead of running the entertainment computer as a VM under a hypervisor you should integrate it directly with the in-dash touch screen. Also, integrate the beeping horn alarm system into the same module.

Then take the entire module and shove it up your arse. Following that you can fuck right off.

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FYI: AI tools can unmask anonymous coders from their binary executables

Nolveys
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My code is VERY EASY to identity...you can actually READ IT and UNDERSTAND IT!

I can THINK of ANOTHER reason that SOMEONE could POSSIBLY IDENTIFY your CODE.

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UK.gov to plough £67m into gigabit broadband for all and sundry

Nolveys
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Windows

£67m Allocation

So that's £66.4m to pay for The Royal Office Of Broadband Voucher Administration and £0.6m to pay out on the actual vouchers?

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Fermi famously asked: 'Where is everybody?' Probably dead, says renewed Drake equation

Nolveys
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Thumb Up

Re: Not useful

Then... you moved to low-power, encrypted (i.e. indistinguishable from noise), frequency-specific transmissions.

When your comment is minimized it fades out as you list successively less easily observable EM transmission methods.

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Chemical burns, explosive fires, they all come free with Amazon power packs

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: Eliminate the need

And, I assume based on your level of sense, you carry around several of these fully charged spare batteries at all times?

It makes more sense to carry one spare that constantly charges off a mortar board with a solar panel duct-taped to the top. From experience I can say that the panel should be less than 80cm across.

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Patch LOSE-day: Microsoft secures servers of the world. By disconnecting them

Nolveys
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Windows

Remember when Microsoft tested things before releasing them?

Those were the days.

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Air Canada's network soars back up after Monday morning death dive

Nolveys
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Everything is delayed, nothing is working...

So, a normal day at Air Canada?

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Will the defendant please rise? Utah State Bar hunts for sender of topless email

Nolveys
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They're only breasts, people, 50% of the world has them...

The article is from the US where at least 75% of the population has them.

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Maker of addictive tech (Google) criticized by chairman of addictive tech maker (Alphabet)

Nolveys
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the US government will ensure that "basic rules of the road [are] in place that create level playing fields."

...any time now...

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We sent a vulture to IBM's new developer conference to find an answer to the burning question: Why Big Blue?

Nolveys
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So a whole morning on this. any chance they spent some of this time providing some insight as to where you should start looking.

AWS or Rackspace.

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If this laptop is so portable, where's the keyboard, huh? HUH?

Nolveys
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In a lawyer's office the logistics of providing a full size PC at the various courts they might have to attend would be even harder to manage.

Sorry, our policy is to not provide laptops. However, you can take that desktop over there. It's tied to a dolly with a rope for your convenience.

You'll also notice the deep cycle lead-acid battery and inverter. You'll need to detach the battery from the dolly, charge it and then put it back. The battery charger is permanently mounted on the top shelf of that cabinet over there.

You'll have to lift the battery over your head, put it on the shelf, connect the leads and then turn on the charger. Be careful though, the battery is about 40kg. It was originally about 30kg, but I attached some bricks to the bottom to help prevent theft.

You will need to provide your own monitor and keyboard. Company policy doesn't allow for people outside of IT to use mice.

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Nolveys
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Not knowing how the Carnot cycle applies to your car's engine is a non-issue...

I completely disagree. I had a car a while ago that leaked oil like crazy. I left it too long and the next thing I knew I was in a car not cycle.

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SpaceX gives free ride to replacement for Facebook's fried satellite

Nolveys
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Reuse After Fecebook

I wonder if they will bother trying to recover the used stage 1 after launching the Facebook satellite. Even if they successfully land the thing they will never get the smell out.

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Dinosaurs gathered at NASA Goddard site for fatal feeding frenzy

Nolveys
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Re: Time to rename

Time to rename

....the NASA Center as "Cretaceous Park."

SOMEBODY GET THESE GOD DAMN DINOSAURS OFF MY GOD DAMN ROCKET SHIP!

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F-35 flight tests are being delayed by onboard software snafus

Nolveys
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Black Helicopters

Re: Forced updates

Pffft, they should follow the example of Microsoft - hook them to the internet and force the auto updates.

It can hardly go any worse than it is now...

As an F35 falls from the sky the sweat-covered pilot stares at the HUD that reads "Installing Updates...35% Complete. Do not turn off or reboot your computer."

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Twilight of the idols: The only philosophy HPE and IBM do these days is with an axe

Nolveys
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Mushroom

Spread The Love

Has anyone told Microsoft, Oracle and Fecebook about this self-cannibalistic business model? I wouldn't mind seeing that lot go down the same road IBM has been going down for the last 10 years.

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Dodgy parking firms to be denied access to Brit driver database

Nolveys
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Windows

It's out of control

I've been getting fines and letters in the mail every week for almost a month regarding a lot that I've never parked in. My only thought is that the company that monitors the parking lot isn't able to tell the difference between a parked car and an abandoned car.

They really should be trained better.

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Sysadmin crashed computer recording data from active space probe

Nolveys
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Windows

Someone I used to work with once told me the story of his boss attempting to restore data from backup. The fellow loaded a backup tape into a rarely used and, as it turned out, broken tape drive. The drive rewound the tape until it got the start...and kept going.

After hearing the snapping sound of the tape being torn apart he made the assumption that the tape was just bad. In went the next tape...and the next...and the next...

He managed to destroy every single backup.

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GitHub shrugs off drone maker DJI's crypto key DMCA takedown effort

Nolveys
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Re: one experience ...

When I worked for a big insurance company, it took 3 years to get a server...It took 10 minutes to spin up an Azure VM.

I was in a situation a few years ago in which our deadline had gone from a month to a few days while we were waiting for a server to be provisioned.

My boss called someone in the company who was good at dealing with these sorts of issues, he immediately solved the problem. The solution lay in company security policy. Policy stated that the security group had to audit the non-existent server before it could go into use. Since the security group takes at least 6 months to even start looking at anything we were in the clear.

The moral of the story is to not go around policy to get your job done, but to use company policy to make other people responsible for everything.

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Goodbye Netscaler, Xen. Hello Citrix SD-WAN, Citrix Desktop, Citrix...

Nolveys
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Headmaster

"...innovative and holistic solutions."

So, less effective than a placebo?

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IBM lifts its 22-quarter shrinking sales curse: Finally, a whole 1% uptick

Nolveys
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"...with software revenue growing 0.3 per cent organically...

I challenge everyone reading this to see how many times they can use the phrase "organic software revenue growth" on any individual person before they call you on it.

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Hold on to your aaSes: Yup, Windows 10 'as a service' is incoming

Nolveys
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Re: "Developers with innovative ideas develop apps for mobile platforms"

"Innovation" looks a lot like "recycling", these days.

I think it looks more like a cess pit at a rendering plant.

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Wait! Before you fire up that HP lappy, check the battery

Nolveys
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Re: HP Laptops - this isn't really that big a deal...

Anyone with an HP laptop for more than six months has probably already beaten it to dust with a baseball bat out of pure frustration

Most modern HPs will save you the trouble by turning to dust automatically within 6 months.

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Nest's slick IoT burglar alarm catches crooks... while it eyes your wallet

Nolveys
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Re: "far more pleasant to have a voice than a beep"

Imagine the horror if the simple one or two beep security arming for vehicles was replaced with voice responses.

"Warning! Everyone in ear shot has been successfully irritated! Warning! The owner of this vehicle is a selfish, pretentious prick!"

Every time I hear one of those car horn alarms activate with a "HONK" I really want to light the damn thing on fire, wait for the owner to show up and beat the swine uncontious with large frozen fish.

Oh, and merry xmas everybody.

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IBM reminds staff not to break customers in pre-Xmas fix-this-now rush

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

Dear Doug,

As the last person employed below upper management at IBM Australia we implore you to give an extra strong effort in the days leading up to Christmas. Please also continue your extended efforts during Christmas, between Christmas and New Years, during New Years and during the entire month of January. As per your contract there will be no overtime or holiday pay. Also, as per the specifics of your contract, we have taken possession of your car and sold it.

We believe you will be very pleased with your Christmas bonus, continued employment through at least the month of January.

Have a nice day and Merry Christmas,

- Management

P.S. Will you have time in January to, on top of your regular duties, to train your replacement?

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Tired of despairing of Trump and Brexit? Why not despair about YouTube stars instead?

Nolveys
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Re: I don't get it.

Who really wants to spend time watching someone else playing games?!

I know, right. It's just a bunch of guys kicking a ball around.

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