Re: Hook, line, and sinker!
If it walks like a duck l'orange and talks like a duck l'orange ... it's definitely a Donald
113 posts • joined 4 Sep 2012
Just as well it was 'thoroughly surveyed' as had it been 'not thoroughly surveyed whatsoever' most of the UK would've crashed.
Six days for Openreach to respond and fix break down relates to -
Zero hour receives phone call from panicky Network Rail supervisor. Operator in BT Mumbai replies with 'have you powered off your router?' Eventually call is passed back to the UK.
Zero hour plus one 'What's your account number again and address? Sorry, by the trackside with smoke emerging from a hole isn't on our database''
Day two - 'you've come through to global services, you need residential, putting you through. Sorry, we are experiencing a high volume of calls. Please hold. Please enter the number of the line you are calling about. Sorry we don't recognise that number goodbye'
Day three - 'why don't you ring the local exchange direct - none of the engineers have jobs today as the back end system is **** and never allocates anything'
Day four engineer on site - 'I've run out of crimps. Need to order some. Bye'
Day five - 'don't suppose you know where these cables run to? I haven't brought any documentation with me'
Day six - 'local engineer who ran the cables in the first place finds out and repairs them all. The end.
Whether any owners of the City Rover have purchased 7's for their sat nav?
Not that I would wish to promote any kind of fraud but I reckon we may see a string of fires in the following vehicles:-
Lada Niva / Riva
Ssangyong badlydsigned (the one with the rear end bolted on...)
Plankton, of Spongebob Squarepants fame, brainwashes his customers in one episode to take over the world and steal the secret Krabby pattie formula.
There were large parts of the live streaming / presentation at the unveiling yesterday that looked worryingly similar. But I couldn't see buckets on the presenters heads. Perhaps they used the new wireless earphones?
All hail iphone 7. All hail waterproof watch 2 (but don't use it waterskiing or scuba divering) etc
I do enjoy a good Apple story and let's face it there have been a few...
Mind you I replaced a cracked screen on a Lumia 920 recently and I do believe it was mentioned to only use genuine Nokia parts as the OS checked the hardware. But then again the complete screen with digitizer was around £40 delivered.
So looking to the future we will shortly have the Apple iCar. It will be a hybrid with a full metal body (to stop any mobile signal). It will have ityres filled with iair and when you change them you best buy the correct brand or the icar won't 'boot'. I don't suppose anyone has patented tyres either so all the manufacturers will be taken to court.
Servicing will be done at ikwikerfit centres by fully qualified itechnicians (who get their toolboxes checked when leaving the premises in their own itime of course).
The car will never officially break down because Apple products don't but you will be able to phone the ibreakdown services. ubreakdown, webreakdown, and onnonotagainbreakdown won't be able to fix the car as they'll have old style 3.5mm headphones and a honda connector.
The touchscreen will consist of Apple maps so you probably won't find the service centre anyway.
The car's range will be similiar to the Apple watch so it'll be flat as soon as you leave your drive.
And when you've finally had enough of the product you can rant about your Apple woes on the newly created igiveup website.
In the leafy UK hamlet I drive through the average driving age is 150. Most of these elderly drivers are 3 ft high and get friction burns on the end of their noses from the steering wheel where they sit so close. I dread to think what would happen if the airbag deployed....
Anyway getting to 25 mph would be nice as no matter what time of day I drive I tend to get stuck behind them.
Then there's the state of the roads - potholes, worn out tarmac, non-existent road markings so I reckon if they brought the Google cars over here they'd all crash as they wouldn't be able to identify anything.
All it needs to complete the transformation is a device that kicks Ballmers arse everytime a tile is pressed with an audio that states "about time we had a decent upgrade, sod off and enjoy your shares"
No offense intended, prices of shares can down as well as up, always consult an independant financial consultant. No Ballmers were hurt during the making of this comment
Before they send out the grads into the big wide world.
Q1 - your customer has a faulty line and their premises are open every day of the week except Tuesday. Which day should the engineer not attend because no one will be there?
Q2 - you continue to bill a customer two years after they request the circuit to be ceased. You finally realise your mistake and send the customer a cheque. Do you a) write the correct payee on the cheque or b) the incorrect payee?
Q3 - You tell prospective customers they cannot get Superfast fibre optic broadband even though they already have it. How do you win back the situation?
Q4 - you can't install a line as the postcode given doesn't exist. Even though you already have lines in the building. How do you win back the situation?
Q5 - in order to run new fibre into a building you require a permission to dig form to be signed by the customer. Do you a) email the form blank and expect the customer to guess the details or b) email the form blank so the customer fills it out incorrectly then blame the customer for the delay to the project?
Q6 - you have local planners that know the local network inside out. Do you a) keep them in their role or b) lay them off and centralise the service so the nearest planner works 150 miles away?
Q7 - you employ engineers with years of experience who have good working relationships with their customer base. Do you a) keep them or b) let them go and get inexperienced straight out of college engineers to replace them (not forgetting to train them to sell)
There maybe more but this'll do to start. Anyone care to add?
Just wondering as it would confirm the couple of instances where a low flying jet aircraft passed over our house late at night with no discernible lights or markings to identify it. And we're not on any commercial flightpath or known military one.
Unless Domino's deliver by jet now?
One user I recently visited had their password on a post it note on the monitor. Another had their password behind the adjustable screen on their desk phone.
Then there was the time I watched a lady in the shop queue pay by card, cover her hand when entering the pin, whilst mouthing the digits.
I have decided to change my username and password as admin and password1 may no longer be secure.
Wonder if the engineer's spreadsheet was saved in the cloud?
Been happening since the year dot. These days it's mixed in with power and control and nasty weapons that can end the planet. But essentially there's nothing we can say or do that will change it. And on that note:-
"Happy New year to everyone at the NSA and GCHQ"
There you go. Didn't have to email them.
I beg to differ. I and several of my work colleagues partake in a veritable drink up known as 'the only one club'. Whenever this weekly event takes place after several alcoholic beverages we become the 'genius bar'. There's nuffin wot we don't know. All the worlds problems solved in an evening - we were even first with the 'holding it wrong' motto*
*Maybe inaccurate due to alcohol induced memory loss.
Think of the business opportunities this could bring. Launch projectile, switch on camera, fly along local foreign High Street, see which businesses aren't there, and hey presto within a couple of months 58 coffee shops, fast food restaurants, and bookies all plying their trade. Not forgetting the £ shops (sorry that should be $ shops).
And on the way back it could check for expired tax discs and illegally parked vehicles.
I can't fault them. I like phoning India for tech support. I like it when my billing enquiry is passed to the Phillipines. I like the online ordering portal - especially where I tell it my office is closed Tuesday but they send an engineer anyway. I like the way refunds are held and not paid to me. I like the way they let go their skilled engineers. Their account managers are great. Always trying to sell me more services when the existing ones are awful.
Long live BT!
Drivers will be asked to slow down to enable faster speeds. Passengers will be allowed to change seats if the signals stronger on the other side of the carriage. A special tech support number in India will be setup. BT will get the contract funded by local councils in an entirely fair procurement and will of course match any funding.
'Customers' will heap praise on the new 'super fast train super not so fast broadband'
As for which areas it will be deployed - any where commuters don't stand in the rush hour.
Out of the various ecosystems tested none are intuitive when the battery's flat.
When fully charged I was unable to dial out on any of them due to not having a small enough pin to open the sim tray and place a sim in.
I couldn't work out how to track 3d printed rockets on any of them.
When typing spilling chucker none corrected.
I was unable to download one particular os due to sheer volume of downloads.
I was unable to download one particular os due to it being fragmented and not available.
Another was unavailable due to the company not supporting it's hardware anymore.
I spent a whole year finding apps on one due to the sheer size.
I spent 6 minutes on another due to no apps available.
Call quality was rubbish on all due to me living in a lead lined cave.
My research paper isn't available as I have no Internet.
Typed on my psion organiser II. Please can I have a qwerty keyboard for Xmas?
Where I live and work we have no choice other than BT. So here's what I've learnt....
1. Adopt a zen like state. Nothing will bother you then when they get it wrong.
2. When ordering any product give them minimum instruction. Less for them to get wrong.
3. Never attempt an urgent install. They'll treble the lead time and fail to turn up.
4. Always plan for the worst. Any improvement is a bonus.
5. Item 2. Never tell them the day you're closed as they'll turn up then.
6. When dealing with Mumbai or the Phillipines say you can't hear them - they'll transfer you back to the UK.
7. Email them jobs CC your managers in. That way you won't be sacked when nothing gets done.
8. The person that designed their back office has a tiny todger. It's his way of letting you feel his pain.
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