* Posts by Semtex451

665 posts • joined 21 Mar 2012

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Lawyers' secure email network goes down, firm says it'll take 2 weeks to restore

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Coat

Alright I'll bite.

It's AI is judgemental?

No, um... Its wig is at the cleaners?

Awful sorry.

It holds you in contempt?

I withdraw, Symon is the obvious candidate

I used to be a dull John Doe. Thanks to Huawei, I'm now James Bond!

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"A return to iOS is equally unlikely, at least at current prices "

Yes but there is an outside possibility that by September it will dawn on Apple that 4 figure prices for a phone is just STUPID

Most munificent Apple killed itself with kindness. Oh. Really?

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Re: Look it's really quite simple.

"We've reached peak something"

We'll know if its also Peak Apple in September when we find out if they've learned anything at all.

CES flicks the off switch on massager award… and causes a buzz

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Holmes

Re: Nudist restaurants

"It'll be back to dinner jackets before long".

And I for one can't wait.

Typical! You wait ages for a fast radio burst from outer space, and suddenly 13 show up

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Go

FRBs happen because the FSM has gas.

Reg Standards Bureau introduces the Devon fatberg as coastal town menaced by oily blob

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Look out for jars of Devon goose fat next Christmas

Sorry, Samsung. Seems nobody is immune to peak smartphone

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It's unfortunate.

This will comfort Apple in the warm blanket of complacency and they will not learn anything.

Dutch boyband hopes to reverse Brexit through the power of music

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Coat

Exactly, Europop isn't going anywhere, as opposed to Britpop which is going places.

see what I did there?

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Pint

Sadly Brexit in no way distances us from irredeemably crap pop aimed at pre-teen girls.

(Sorry, but its an excellent line-- icon for Mr.Currie)

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No, remember the trinity for irredeemably crap pop:

"You can't dance, you can't sing, and you look awful.....You'll go a long way"

London Gatwick Airport reopens but drone chaos perps still not found

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Pint

Another theory

If I wanted to build a second runway but was kiboshed by HM Govt....

It might be tempting to demonstrate the benefits.

Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is: 1. More ad revenue, and 2. Good PR. Lots of love – Mark, aged 34½

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I'm not convinced that (the majority of) FBs target audience will ever actually care about their data, photos or personal information. FB know this.

In their 'minds', the more people that see them as successful, glamourous and in tune (sic) the better.

Introducing 'Happy Quit', where Chinese smokers are text-spammed into nicotine abstinence

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One presumes the 'Happy' part comes after you have quit and are no longer being annoyed

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Facepalm

"Relax, it's some neat Photoshop work – the baby is not actually smoking"

So just the doting parent then, fine.

Microsoft flings untested Windows 10 updates to users! (Oh no it doesn't!)

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Thumb Up

@Phil O'Sophical

Upvote 10 pack for you Sir.

I would only change "centrally-controlled union" to 'Franco-German controlled Socialist Federation'

Otherwise perfect.

It's beginning to look a lot like multi-threaded CPUs, everywhere you go... Arm teases SMT Cortex-A65AE car brains

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Coat

Nice to see all the hardened security features burnt-in

Boffins don't give a sh!t, slap Trump's face on a turd in science journal

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Thanks for the close-up of the image in question...

I can plainly see Trump but where is the image of the turd?

Forget your deepest, darkest secrets, smart speakers will soon listen for sniffles and farts too

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Thumb Up

Upvote just for reminding me to revise Rogers Profanisaurus definitions

Careful with this latest Microsoft release – tug too hard on the threads and it tends to unravel

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Coat

Look whenever I have my Apple jumper on

EVERYTHING JUST WORKS SO WELL

(icon for caps usage)

'Exclusive swag' up for grabs as GitLab flings bug bounty scheme open to world+dog

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Windows

Have you been good?

It's not too late to ask Santa

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Windows

Dunno why they're so unpopular these days

When I was a kid I'd've given my left arm for one, or a curly wurly.

Phew, galactic accident helps boffins explain dark matter riddle

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Windows

Re: Not Found ....

Dat'll be da Guinness ;\

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Re: Misleading title

It is.

Its the FSM's noodly tendrils, I've been saying this all day.

Taylor's gonna spy, spy, spy, spy, spy... fans can't shake cam off, shake cam off

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Windows

Righto Ta.

I thought it might be a Professor of Astronomy or an efficient company that make suits, perhaps.

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Windows

Who's Taylor Swift?

Oxford startup magics up metamaterials for next-gen charging

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It's a very positive indicator, as we know that assumption is the mother of all f*ck ups

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Re: I have another theory

8. If you use a case you typically have to remove it

Windows 10 can carry on slurping even when you're sure you yelled STOP!

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Big Brother

It's beginning to look a lot like....

1984

No wait, 1984 is beginning to look like a better option

The eulogising of The Mother Of All Demos at 50 is Silicon Valley going goo-goo for gurus again

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"Theranos did demos too, which were as fake as SRI's"

Remind me what happened to MagicLeap..

IBM is trying to throttle my age-discrimination lawsuit – axed ace cloud salesman

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Re: Nope

@ Gonzo wizard - No mention of sales personnel but I guess I should go on the course 'Modn English 4 Greybeards'

@ AC - I'm talking about the article, not what's happening at IBM which is despicable

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Stop

Nope

Your Sub Heading: "Non-millennial claims Big Blue is hiding evidence of anti-greybeard HR policies"

You cannot use the term 'greybeard' in this context. It refers to an individual with unmatched knowledge in a specific area, a wise one, a sage. They should be approached with respect, awe, and trepidation lest your stupid question reveal just how dangerously little you know.

It does not mean that you are simply over 35.

Lenovo tells Asia-Pacific staff: Work lappy with your unencrypted data on it has been nicked

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Facepalm

Re: Lappy?

That was still the good ol days at El Reg

Also English was still a thing (we have to say 'a thing' now)

This place has changed beyond all recognition since, as has our language and therefore journalists use of it.

F*ck I'm old.

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news

These days I'm wondering at what frequency does an event no longer become newsworthy.

Even the staff at HP will be laughing only till they think "better check ours".

It comes under the heading 'Unlikely chain of events actually occurs (with disastrous consequences)'

NASA names the date for the first commercial crew demo flight

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Re: Bomb 20

Teach it phenomenology.

Excellent.

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Re: Echoes...

Possible CIMON can be taken outside and lobbed back to earth without adding to the rest of the orbiting junk?

The internet is going to hell and its creators want your help fixing it

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Re: Who cares what those guys think on those subjects?

@coconuthead & above AC

"Vint Cerf, Tim Berners-Lee and other identify lots of problems, few solutions"

If you believe they are wrong, and that everything's just great and will be, could you please expand on why you believe that?

Dine crime: Chippy sells deep fried Xmas dinner

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Joke

Could you just confirm that when you say

"The proceeds from the dinner sinner are to be distributed to Dunkeld community."

that you are in fact referring to what your left with, after costs, and not after digestion?

Expired cert... Really? #O2down meltdown shows we should fear bungles and bugs more than hackers

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Re: Incompetance

No

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Coat

Re: No Plan B

But you'll get the blame, so take the initiative and say "Ikabai-Sital". Present them with options.

FYI: there's an amusing article about Ikabai-Sital you should read here:

https://www.theregister.co.uk/2015/08/08/all_hail_ikabaisital_destroyer_of_worlds_mender_of_toilets/

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Re: Acronyms

Agreed, in my book an acronym should be pronounceable, as in SNAFU

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What was it that Giffgaff did that they come in for so much stick?

Do not adjust your set: Hats off to Apple, you struggle to shift iPhones 'cos you're oddly ethical

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After all these years

Does AndrewO still have to point out to you that when the word 'Ethical' appears in a sentence in relation to Apple, one of three situations has occurred

a) it's sarcasm foo

b) the word is being used comparatively

c) AndrewO needs an ambulance

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Re: @Andrew O

It's about Apples failed deviation from the usual release scheme this year, i.e. release flagship, discount last years flagship. Instead they discontinued last years flagship (X) and released a larger but inferior* handset (XR) and made it only slightly cheaper. Apple have finally realised that idea was not working out for them and have reduced the price $300 to make it a more viable upgrade for 6 and 7 owners not stupid enough to pay XS money.

What Apple can't do anything about is the size of the XR, which does not appeal to many 'western' 6 and 7 owners. It occurred to me in September that the only way to get around that was to put the X back into production, its size is acceptable to this group. But that would make the XR even less attractive unless you like phablets.

*see Apples handset comparison site

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@Andrew O

Thank you for writing that, no one ever listens to little old me.

Waymo's revolutionary driverless robo-taxi service launches in America... with drivers

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Headmaster

"an actual human being sat several feet away"

"just ask Chuck seeing as he's sat here"

I suppose I just have to join the 21st Century and let go of the entire concept of grammar.

Estonian ex-foreign sec urges governments: Get cosy with the private sector on cybersecurity

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Alien

Which reminds me, I gots to get me one of their swanky e-citizenships.

Waiter, what's this? SpaceX delivery delayed for a day by moldy food

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Holmes

Re: It's not really about the mice.

"Basically, human microbiota tend to accumulate in human habitats"

We El Reg readers are most keenly aware of this.

YMMV

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Coat

Re: Spelling!

@ Bassey - You are of course quite right Sir. I apologise for my poor use of the word. I'll provide a rigorous analysis in due course.

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Re: Spelling!

Worse, the article alternates between the two spellings at random.

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