* Posts by Crisp

2558 posts • joined 16 Jan 2012

UK consumer help bloke Martin Lewis is suing Facebook over fake ads

Crisp

I hope he wins.

And I hope he gets a settlement that reflects how much money Facebook are making from fraudulent ads.

5
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Australian Feds cuff woman who used BTC to buy drugs on dark web

Crisp
Boffin

Re: I am reminded...

"How does either black hat prove that they are indeed 'trustworthy' black hats?"

There is no honour amongst thieves.

0
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Crisp

Re: They can´t sniff out crime on the dark web

Assume that there is a back door on every exit node. I'm sure you'd be able to sniff something from the packets as they whizzed by.

1
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US, UK cyber cops warn Russians are rooting around in your routers

Crisp
Coat

Are Russians taking a proper gander at my router?

It makes a change from the Chinese.

8
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France building encrypted messaging app for politicians

Crisp

An app with a limited number of users will get less scrutiny from most security experts.

Except from "interested computer professionals", who you can bet will be scrutinizing it for every vulnerability it has.

23
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Donkey Wrong: Arcade legend Billy Mitchell booted from record books amid MAME row

Crisp
Coat

Looks like they've got him over a barrel for monkeying with his scores.

I'll go...

9
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How life started on Earth: Sulfur dioxide builds up, volcanoes blow, job done – boffins

Crisp

Re: Earth has 800,000 cubic miles of Uranium with 4.4 billion year half life....

Which bit of the above post is supposed to make sense?

11
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Birds can feel Earth's magnetic fields? Yeah, that might fly. Bioboffins find vital sense proteins

Crisp

Re: Magnetic Puns?

They are the best. Bar none.

I'm sure someone else can horseshoe one more in.

5
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Crisp

I hear ornithologists are all a twitter about this.

It's certainly a feather in Atticus Pinzón-Rodríguez's cap.

6
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My PC makes ‘negative energy waves’, said user, then demanded fix

Crisp
Boffin

Negative energy waves

Clearly an inexperienced technician.

All he needed to do was reverse the polarity. Ticket closed.

18
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Britain's 4G is slower than Armenia's

Crisp

Re: Crusty old kit.

My GPS tracker doesn't really need any more than 2G.

3
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*Thunk* No worries, the UPS should spin up. Oh cool, it's in bypass mode

Crisp

Re: a new site built directly on a flood plain

That's free water cooling. A cost saving right there!

46
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UK regulator bans slasher-flick parody ad for OnePlus 5 mobe

Crisp

Re: Have you ever seen Thomas the Tank Engine?

Did you see the episode where Annie and Clarabel get smashed from behind?

8
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Crisp

Re: chop his wheel off

No, I think you're thinking of Candle Cove.

1
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Crisp

Have you ever seen Thomas the Tank Engine?

Henry gets walled up inside a tunnel.

While he's still alive!

18
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Law's changed, now cough up: Uncle Sam serves Microsoft fresh warrant for Irish emails

Crisp

"Our rules prevent us from doing something!"

"Ok! Let's quickly change them to allow us to do what we wanted to do anyway."

"What should I do with this shed load of unintended consequences?"

1
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Mozilla rejects your reality and substitutes its own … browser for VR and AR goggles

Crisp

Anything has to be an improvement on the Samsung VR browser

I want massive widescreen browsing!

1
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Need a needle in an artery? Move over, doc, there's an app for that

Crisp
Coat

No point having doctors struggling in vein.

I'm going.

18
0

Wanna work for El Reg? Developers needed for headline-writing AI bots

Crisp

I was just going to repurpose the software I wrote for the Daily Mail

El Reg readers like stories about Princess Diana right?

4
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Let's go to Mars, dude: Euro space parachute passes maiden test

Crisp
Coat

Surely you'd throw a descent party?

12
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Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, off you go: Snout of UK space forcibly removed from EU satellite trough

Crisp

Re: THE CAKE IS A LIE

Cake is a made up drug.

1
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Boffins stalk house-hunting bees, find colony behaves kind of like a human brain

Crisp

Re: A sting operation?

Looks like a honey trap to me.

7
0

Fleeing Facebook app users realise what they agreed to in apps years ago – total slurpage

Crisp

Too Little Too Late

Zuckerberg has already made off like a bandit.

4
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NASA fungus problem puts theory of 'Martian mushrooms' on toast

Crisp

Re: Suggested title...

There's not mushroom for puns in The Register.

19
1

Europe plans special tax for Google, Apple, Facebook, Amazon

Crisp

I'm not sure that targeting specific companies is the way forward.

Tightening up existing legislation to effect a situation where it's more advantageous for all companies to pay their tax should be the way forward I think.

Currently the rules rewards companies that game the system and avoid paying their fair share.

59
1

Senate mulls offensive AI, new training tools and now Chinese faceswaps Trump

Crisp
Coat

Trump Deepfake

Now that mental image is firmly lodged in your brain, I'll be on my way!

1
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UK peers: Is this what you call governance of facial recog tech? A 'few scattered papers'!

Crisp
Boffin

Re: Fight back

I am fighting back. Every 3 months I smack myself in the face with a frying pan.

17
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US Navy gives Lockheed Martin $150m big frickin' laser cannon contract

Crisp
Mushroom

Now, prepare to witness the firepower

of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battleship!

2
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Boffins baffled as AI training leaks secrets to canny thieves

Crisp
Alert

Sir! It's the machines!

They're remembering!

11
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Inviting nearby exoplanet revealed as radiation-baked hell

Crisp

Re: Need I finish the book?

It turns out, he really is his father.

0
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The Great Bulgarian Streaming Scam may well have been scummy, but Spotify got paid

Crisp

Payola

Streamed over and over.

8
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A dog DNA database? You must be barking

Crisp

These criminal mutts are going to be hounded by the police.

3
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Australia joins the 'decrypt it or we'll legislate' club

Crisp

There needs to be a measure of transparency here

If a service I'm using has its encryption compromised, then as a consumer I have a right to know.

3
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This job Win-blows! Microsoft made me pull '75-hour weeks' in a shopping mall kiosk

Crisp

Wait... What?

"By law, workers classified as managers and other professional salaried staff are exempt from mandatory overtime pay and breaks"

Is there a reason why this is?

Personally, I'd never work for a for-profit company for free. It's unethical.

14
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Capita data centres hit by buttload of outages

Crisp

Re: Data centres...

Oh gods! Water load of puns!

0
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Ayyy-EYE! Google code 'predicts heart disease' by eyeballing retinas

Crisp

Re: 'The level of accuracy is similar to drawing blood to measure cholesterol levels.'

I read that as "Eat all the bacon you like."

9
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Reinforcement learning woes, robot doggos, Amazon's homegrown AI chips, and more

Crisp

I've seen that Black Mirror documentary

It does not end well for the humans.

1
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Yorkshire cops have begun using on-the-spot fingerprint scanners

Crisp

Prints "are automatically deleted from the device once they have been checked"

I'm not falling for that lie twice!

4
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Game of Thrones showrunners to make Star Wars flicks

Crisp

The possibility of successfully navigating a field of this hype is approximately 3,720 to 1.

9
1

It took us less than 30 seconds to find banned 'deepfake' AI smut on the internet

Crisp

The Running Man is now reality.

A click here, and a click there... And it looks like Ben Richards is dead.

6
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Is that you, T-1000? No, just a lil robot that can mimic humans on sight

Crisp

They new models...

They move like us now...

4
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Can't wait to get to Mars on a SpaceX ship? It's a cold, dead rock – boffins

Crisp

We really ought to be sending probes to Europa.

It can't be that difficult to get through the ice. All we need is a lander with a submarine, and an orbital satellite with a magnifying glass attached.

1
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MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF CARS: SpaceX parks a Tesla in orbit (just don't mention the barge)

Crisp

Get your cars to Mars

Is this going to be the very first Johnny Cab?

30
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South Wales cops crow about facial recognition arrests on social media

Crisp

The police have form for this

Keeping DNA samples and fingerprints even after a suspect is found innocent.

10
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New click-to-hack tool: One script to exploit them all and in the darkness TCP bind them

Crisp

Script kiddies will use it

And they will get caught.

And then we'll have another teen fighting an extradition to Gitmo.

6
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NASA finds satellite, realises it has lost the software and kit that talk to it

Crisp

I will lmfao if it turns out to be a smegging garbage pod.

See Title.

2
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Here we go again... UK Prime Minister urges nerds to come up with magic crypto backdoors

Crisp

There's no magic encryption tree

Where does she expect her hairbrained idea of encryption to come from?

59
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VTech fondleslabs for kids 'still vulnerable' despite sanctions

Crisp

Updated security policy

The security policy has been updated to define any security problem as the users fault.

4
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'No evidence' UK.gov has done much to break up IT outsourcing

Crisp

Re: Endless

Waiting for the endless commentards going "why does a government billion pound deal always got to the usual three letter companies?"

Let me guess. It's because a party MP is on the board as an executive director and all his mates have shares?

12
2

Causes of software development woes

Crisp

Can you do us a sort of dashboard thingy with graphs and pie charts and stuff?

Me: Sure, what kind of statistics do you want those graphs to display?

PHB: I don't know... Make something up.

8 hours later...

PHB: Oh no, that's not what I wanted at all. What do any of these numbers mean?

Me: Nothing, you told me to make them up.

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