Surely the Queen Elizabeth must be the Prince of Wales' mother ship, not sister ship? (Don't call me Shirley!)
45 posts • joined 20 Dec 2011
Surely the Queen Elizabeth must be the Prince of Wales' mother ship, not sister ship? (Don't call me Shirley!)
It was said of the old BT logo (http://logos.wikia.com/wiki/BT) that if you rotated it you got the usual course of an issue with them - a balls up, followed by a small cock-up, finally leading to an enormous cock-up!
I've seen a hospital sign sying "Family Planning - Use rear Entrance" but I'm not sure if it's real or photoshopped.
I can confirm from personally having seen it that there used to be a road sign in Liverpool which said "Liverpool Maternity Hospital - Non Accident Cases Only"
Best ever has to be the time that Thwaites brewery in Lancashire announced redundancies:
I once wrote a system to capture the stock catalogue of an electronics workshop prior to the whole inventory system being computerised. Stock items varied from screws of 1mm in length to radio masts that were 200m tall.
I got a call from the chief engineer one day to say that the system was very restrictive and he was an engineer not a typist. "Why do I have to spend time trying to find the A key on the keyboard?".
To fix his problem I changed the message from "Press a key to continue" to "Press any key to continue".
Can you take away the pain but leave the swelling Doc?
An absolute travesty! No tea needs milk, and teabags should only be used in emergency when the tea leaves have run out! But then, anyone who lets the leaves run out should be hung by their knackers until they learn their lesson.
Making anything in a coffee pot is an abomination, as they retain the taste of the noxious liquid that is nowt but the devil's diarrhoea!
The job has now been removed from LinkedIn, but a search on "Hertfordshite" shows that it's a common fat-finger error
I assume they were trying to avoid setting off infrared sensors by shielding their body heat, though a sheet of glass would have worked better:
I used to work for a large government department in a tower block in northern England. The building, while under construction, had been involved in one of the longest running industrial disputes in British history. The shell of the building had been put up, and ventilation ducts installed, but no windows, doors or anything else had been fitted before the building unions walked out and picketed the site for nearly five years!
In the meantime, the local feral cat population found themselves a new home and multiplied their numbers as cats do. When the dispute finished, the construction company found it too difficult to clear them out so pumped the building full of poison gas and later removed what corpses they could find. Of course many were left in that darker recesses of the ductwork and these mummified and eventually started to crumble.
We used to come in every day to find a layer of greyish dust over our desks, and the PC's needed regular de-catting.
A neighbour once asked me to take a look at her laptop which was shutting down unexpectedly. A test showed that when it shut down it was literally too hot to put on your lap, and the system was protecting itself by pulling the plug.
A quick dismantle showed that the holes in the mesh covering the air intake were down to about 20% of their original size, with the rest being blocked by tar and nicotine deposits. Two minutes with a stiff paintbrush cured the problem.
U upgraded my netbook (Medion Akoya E1222) to 10 before Christmas and have had no problems. I upgraded it from XP to 7 Home edition about two years ago and doubled the RAM from 1 to 2 gigs at the same time. I suspect it might struggle with the original amount of RAM.
I worked at a company that used an Access front end to a MSSQL backend for an order processing system.
Every couple of months the system was required to create about 5 million records in one table with sequential serial numbers for gift vouchers - an identity column was no use as there were four series of serials, for different denominations of vouchers.
The guy who created the system did this using loops in access - get the next serial number, create a record, add one to the serial number and repeat until the correct number of records had been created, then do the same again for each of the other three denominations.
This routine usually tool at least 12 hours to run, so was left to run overnight. Often it failed part way through. I replaced it with a SQL stored procedure that used a tally table (http://www.sqlservercentral.com/articles/T-SQL/67899/) - the new routine ran in 15 minutes
I always says it's not the tool that's used, it's the tool that uses it that is the likely problem.
I was one of the civil service IT staff sold off to outside suppliers 15 years ago. We had been told for years by managers how poor we were compared to the lean and keen private sector, and how much time and money would be saved by selling us off. I didn't take redundancy at the time as I was newly married with a kid on the way and I thought that they might be telling us the truth.
After a couple of months working for the private sector (Sema Group) I realised that we were just as good, and in many cases considerably better than our private sector equivalents. Most of us also had pride in providing a public service, something that was lost when we were sold off.
... but he was NAKED under the Lycra!
Teledildonics finally reaches the consumer market.
The victim asked the doctors if they could take away the pain, but leave the swelling
One of the best peripherals available was a scanner - you took the ribbon out of the printer and clipped the scanner sensor on to the print head. The document to be scanned got fed in to the printer and the programme drove the printer mechanism to scan the document line by line - a brilliant idea!
I also had the RS232 interface and used a 75/1200 modem to access bulletin boards - who needed the internet?
I hate the euphemism "passing" when used in connection with death. You have died, croaked, ceased to be etc - you have passed nothing!
"NATURAL GAS" is a description usually ascribed to Methane, not hydrogen.
If you are referring to Hydrogen as "a natural gas", the same description applies to Hydrogen Cyanide and Radon
You don't need wings to fly - if you push something fast enough. Big as the panzer's engine might be, I don't think it's big enough to get it up to liftoff speed. Wings would help, and they could try what Hannibal Smith and the A Team did in the (awful) movie - firing the big gun for a bit of Newtonian action/reaction
Flying Heritage museum? It'll take a big engine to get a Panzer off the ground!
They have missed off the rudest swear word in the world - FITBIN!
They didn't lose it, and weren't hacked - the data was stolen by an employee.
All firms are at risk of this, and most will not have blocked USB key devices. No firm (or government department) I have worked for has ever done that.
It wasn't Michael Caine who hacked the traffic control systems in The Italian Job, it was Benny Hill!
It's all explained here by Stewie Griffin
In the original book (Make Room, Make Room by Harry Harrison) Soylent was made from Soya and Lentil, hence the name. Give me long pig any day!
Can we ask Microsoft to resurrect their Critical Update Notificatin Tool?
A well known American quiz show winner sends out a weekly quiz by email which he numbers using Roman numerals. Every couple of months he has to change to Arabic numerals for a few weeks due to the number of spam filters that grab anything with XXX in the name.
Microdrives were ok if you formatted them several times before you used them in anger - this stretched the tape until it settled down, and from then on they were fine.
My wife used to work for a public utility, and they used the Psion database/Wp to store and produce stock letters for customers. To help her out I asked her to borrow the manual and she brought home a strange plastic box with a wierd spring loaded catch built in - this turned out to house the install floppies, which nobody in the offvice even knew existed. I was able to install on my early PC (Amstrad) and rewrite many of the routines and templates, gaining her many brownie points. I liked the software a lot.
Big Red Aeroplane Launch Emergency Stop Switch
Why pay for a hugely expensive seat of headphones when you have to listen to them with a pair of ears that came free of charge?
I got a new phone last week (Galaxy Note II, not Apple) and set the wallpaper to a photo I took in Liverpool last summer that is virtually identical to the one shown in the article - SPOOKY!
Given the state of the current Facebook Android app, there is no way I'll be installing anything that take over my phone.
The latest app crashes nine times out of ten, is extremely slow on the occasions it does work, and is not fit for purpose. I have switched to using the browser based interface
Having joined a government IT department in 1985, we were denigrated for years about how inefficient and over priced we were compared to the private sector, who could knock our skills into a cocked hat.
We were later privatised as part of the Market Testing initiative, only to find that we were as good, and in a huge number of case, better than the private alternative. Many of us were motivated by a sense of service, not just a striving for profit, and the whole privatisation initiative led to many of the IT horrors of later years with companies such as EDS and Crapita
While working for a government department, I was the only person who could support a legacy system used to receive overtime claims via modem link, which were then fed into a mainframe based payroll system. This ran on an old CCP/M system in the datacentre, while I was based in another office about 5 miles away.
One day I got a panicked phone call to say the system had gone haywire and they needed to get it working before that night's payroll run, or there would be huge ructions if the overtime was not paid on time.
I asked what was wrong with it and was told that most of the menu items had disappeared. Thinking that the programs had been corrupted in some way, I gathered together the backup disks, manuals etc and jumped in a taxi.
After being admitted through the airlocks, I examined the system, turned up the monitor brightness, then walked out again.
It turns out that they had had some IT cleaners in, who were to clean the monitors, mice and keyboards. While cleaning the old green screen monitor, they had accidentally turned down the brightness/contrast so that only the highlighted menu options, shown in reverse video, were visible!
I worked in the Home Office IT department from 1985-2002, and we had several Liberators! We also had a typing pool and a Data Entry pool. We were not supposed to type "Documents" - we had to send our notes to the typing pool, and then wait for several days to get the typed copy back. Using the words "word processor" would have had the union (of which I was a member) walking out the door.
I seem to remember that the Liberator had a 5 (or 7) pin DIN connector for its serial interface - I think I still have one of the printers used with it at home - a small rechargeable Epson unit that used heat sensitive fax paper.
A couple of years later we went really high tech and got a Compaq luggable - about the size of a small suitcase, with an orange plasma screen, which got hot enough to cook bacon.
Mike Harding did a comedy routine about the red-back many years ago - a blioke gsits down in the dunny and is bitten in an unfortunate place by a red back that is hiding under the toilet seat.
He wakes up in hospital and asks the doctor "Can you take away the pain and leave the swelling?"
I bought two at Christmas - for wife and dad - both love the Kobo. I got one at my local ASDA on Friday, and am half-way through a big Stephen King novel already. There are loads of hacks out there on t'internet if you care to look.
I still remember how I cheated the casino in this game - there were two ways:
1. At the DOS prompt type RANDOMIZE 1 - this would set the random number generator to the same seed, meaning that the same winning sequences would also appear
2. Gamble all of your money. If you win, save the game, then gamble again
4.If you lose, load your previously saved game and try again, repeating until you do win
Big Clive has an igniter here - extremely cheap, probably very reliable, but does require a 12v power source:
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