* Posts by Captain DaFt

3832 posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

WD My Cloud NAS devices have hard-wired backdoor

Captain DaFt

Remember kids!

NAS is NSA with the letters rearranged!

(Who's that knocking at your back door?)

16
3

Whizzes' lithium-iron-oxide battery 'octuples' capacity on the cheap

Captain DaFt

Re: W00T!

Except Apple will make it .5mm thin and it will still only last a day

.5mm? Pshaw! The Apple iPhoneXX will be so thin, you can shave with it using Apple's exclusive Cutting Edge™ Technology!

Finally, an iPhone you can't hold wrong!!*

*Without losing a finger

4
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Captain DaFt

Re: Let's give up trying

Why can't I have a tiny ICE in my phone/laptop etc to power it?

Good question. MIT designed one way back in 2006.

Of course, the "fuel and air quickly mix and burn at the melting point of steel." part might have been more of a problem than they thought. ☺

2
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Woo-yay, Meltdown CPU fixes are here. Now, Spectre flaws will haunt tech industry for years

Captain DaFt

Azure VMs borked following Meltdown patch, er, meltdown

Captain DaFt

Another week, another "Azure Borked" headline.

They do seem to come around with amazing regularity, don't they?

Did Microsoft hire the Swedish Chef to oversee Azure?

6
5

US Homeland Security breach compromised personal info of 200,000+ staff

Captain DaFt

In addition, it said it would be “performing a 360-degree review of DHS OIG’s development practices related to the case management system”.

What? you are going to run around in circles?

SOP: everyone stands in a circle, points to the left and says, "He did it!" when asked until the investigator gets back to the first one, stamps the case "Investigated" and everyone goes back to doing what they were doing, nothing changed.

3
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And we return to Munich's migration back to Windows - it's going to cost what now?! €100m!

Captain DaFt

Re: How fake is your news?

24 Nov 2017 - Munich council finds €49.3m for Windows 10 embrace

04 Jan 2017 - And we return to Munich's migration back to Windo- it's going to cost what now?! €100m!

Holy cow! The estimate has doubled in only two months?

At this rate, by the time they fully switch by 2023, Munich will be a wholly owned Microsoft subsidiary!

4
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Soz, guys. No 'alien megastructure' around Tabby's Star, only cosmic dustbunnies

Captain DaFt

Re: clearly not a Dyson sphere...

... because we'd be able to hear it from here

But in space, no one can hear you clean!

5
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Captain DaFt

Re: It's only dust,,,

Yeah...that's what they want you to believe...right up to the moment when the invasion fleet full of little green men appears

Or:

[Several thousand years ago... give or take a couple]

Yzrak, the leader of the Ngda, flashed his chromatophores at the assembled beings in the Hall of Science, "There must be intelligent life elsewhere out there. How can we communicate with it?"

Myriad beings flash a confused babble of lights as they mutter among themselves, until a strobe of consensus flashes through the hall.

Gathered scientists in unison, "Great Yzrak, if we sent a fleet of small probes into the great dust cloud that encircles our sun, within a few rotations they could manipulate the cloud to modulate our sun's rays into a beacon that would proclaim, "We are here, Welcome." to all stars for thousands of lightyears around.

Any species capable of intelligent flashing will be able to see it and know we are here and sapient."

Pylok the otherthinker flashed in disagreement, "But what if other intelligent life out there don't communicate by light?"

Yzrak flashed mockingly, "And how else would an intelligent species communicate? Farts and belches?"

The laughter of the assembled was visible for yergs around.

9
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Now that's sticker shock: Sticky labels make image-recog AI go bananas for toasters

Captain DaFt

Current AI development reminds me of Internet security

A- Throw something semi functional out there.

B- Somebody breaks it.

C- Patch what breaks, try again.

D- Go to step B.

E- Success! (Shame you can't get here)

23
0

Big shock: $700 Internet-of-Things door lock not a success

Captain DaFt

The perfect IoT device!

Lots of Hype and superlatives, amusing anecdotes ripe with bon mots, a final tale of betrayal, and lastly, a product with absolutely no insecurities, backdoors, shoddy programming or construction, because it never existed!

The only losers here are the suckers backers that fell for the hype.

Hopefully, they'll know better next time.

53
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Astroboffins say our Solar System could have – wait, stop, what... the US govt found UFOs?

Captain DaFt

Re: Alien UFO's are Real - True / False...

I can't explain it, and neither can anyone else. Therefore goddidit.

You left out a very important word in that line of reasoning:

"I can't explain it, and therefore neither can anyone else. Therefore goddidit."

The more ignorant a person is, the more likely they are to assume that they know everything knowable.

10
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Captain DaFt

Re: Alien UFO's are Real - True / False...

Why is every video blurry and lacking detail (despite all the mass sightings and high quality cams we carry around in our pockets).

Got to realise there are probably a total of 300,000 - 400,000 excellent photographers out of a population of about 8 billion out there. Put the best camera on the market in the hands of the average klutz, and you get crappy pictures.

That said, Although the probability that intelligent life is somewhere out there*, The odds of them stumbling across our little backwater system out between the arms of the galaxy are virtually nil.

So all those pictures? Dust, or scratches on the lens catching light, or odd clouds, or weather balloons, random atmospheric phenomena, aircraft, both regular and secret, rocket launches, kites, lost party balloons, whatever, are all open to misinterpretation, especially if the viewer wants to see UFOs from space.

*Obligatory, "'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth."

5
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Social network smacks back: Accusers say it helps recruiters target age-groups in job ads

Captain DaFt

Re: Why should the kids get away with no adverts

Because their brains haven't fully developed and they are less likely to have the kind of bullshit filter you'd expect in a reasonable adult.

Hold on a minute, How're they supposed to develop a BS filter if they're never exposed to BS? One isn't just automatically assigned to you when you come of age.*

Hit'em with BS, early and often, so by the time they're adults (or sooner) they'll be wary of it! Otherwise, you'll have adults hitting the streets with no way to detect it!

*If they are, I never got mine! Had to build one meself, I did! Out of cynicism, mistrust, betrayal, and gaffer tape.

4
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Facebook folds fake news flag: We're not disputing that

Captain DaFt

"This is particularly problematic in countries with very few fact-checkers, where the volume of potentially false news stories and the limited capacity of the fact-checkers made it difficult for us to get ratings from multiple fact-checkers,"

Don't bother trying to make a list of the countries this statement applies to, they don't make a pad of paper that big.

There are only 249 Country Codes in the ISO Standard List, other lists of countries list fewer.

So, the list of countries that apply (All of them) would fit on five sheets of A4 paper, one per line, with the title "Countries with very few fact-checkers" at the top of the first page.

(My silly bit of pedantry for the day) ☺

2
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Captain DaFt

Re: Sorry I must be living in a cave

People ....want to get news...... from Facebook?

I know, right?

Facebook should be required to have a banner across the top of every page that reads:

WARNING!

Facebook is a social site, open to all.

Getting your news from Facebook is equivalent to getting it from bar gossips and loonies on street corners, ranting at traffic.

5
0

Surveillance law slip-up in sight for staff stalking citizens on socials

Captain DaFt

Re: Checks and balances are required

The trick is to make sure it's your idea you've implanted in her head!
'''''''''''

Didn't work with my wife, she was like an ink blotter.

Took it, but got it backwards.

2
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Facebook: Who needs millennials? The cops love us more than ever!

Captain DaFt

Facebook and the internet more generally are the greatest aid to detection ever invented.

At a police station, 2017-future:

"There's been a murder reported! Here's the report, quick log on to Twitter!

"Nothing there Sarge."

"Then check Facebook!"

"Nope, nothing there about it either."

"Reddit?"

"Still drawing a blank."

"Google?"

"Nada."

"[Sigh] Then mark it Unsolved and file it then."

0
0

Facebook flashes ramped-up face-recog tech. Try not to freak out

Captain DaFt

One more data confirmation point for Facebook

"Someone has posted a picture, please verify that it is of you so that we may more accurately mine more data about you from the picture's contents and meta-data."

4
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How Google's black box Knowledge Graph can kill you

Captain DaFt

Re: People unfortunately aren't diligent fact checkers

Once I figure out how to add Photosynthesis; I will rule the world *Bwahahaha*

Pfft, amateur.

Nuclear radiation powered metabolism is where it's at!

3
0

Hacks, bribes and bugs: Uber accused of illegal snooping on rivals

Captain DaFt

Re: Now, that's efficiency!

There isn't much left to accuse them of. Bravo! Must be some kind of world record...

As far as I can tell, the only crimes Uber hasn't yet been accused of are:

Treason

Littering

and... um... ?

2
0

Google asks browser rival Vivaldi to post uninstall instructions

Captain DaFt

We're on a very thin path, and we don't know where it's going.

Hint: Does what we're in resemble a hand basket?

3
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Windows 10 bundles a briefly vulnerable password manager

Captain DaFt

Re: The very idea!

Really! It's not like anyone ever got an email that said something like, oh say,

"Your KatZ VidZ account is in danger of expiring! [Click Here] to verify your password and details Immediately!"

Nope, never happened!

13
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Funnily enough, no, IT admins who trash biz machines can't claim they had permission

Captain DaFt

Re: I've, umm... done most of that stuff

at one point or another in my career. Deleted backups and reformatted drives. Disabled backup mechanisms. Not told users stuff behind the scenes was going horribly wrong. I don't think I've ever forwarded my boss' email without him knowing though.

All of that, however, was done incidentally to somewhat proper IT activities.

And there, you have the gist of Mr. Michael Thomas's idiotic appeal.

Yes, these are legitimate activities in properly maintaining the systems, but as the court pointed out, They are not legitimate activities when used to vandalise the systems he was supposed to be maintaining.

His argument was as farcical as a killer offing his victim with a hammer, then claiming that as a carpenter, it was part of his job to swing a hammer.

21
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Murdoch's Fox empire is set to become a literal Mickey Mouse outfit

Captain DaFt

Okay, here's the scary part:

Part of what Disney bought was 20th Century Fox.

That means (If the deal goes through) that Marge and Lisa become official Disney Princesses™!

2
0
Captain DaFt

Re: Awesome!

now with Disney there will be, it'll be X-Rated and contain Howard x Donald having a McScrooge.

No, it'll be an R rated slugfest as both declare,"There can be only ONE! Waauugh-waa-waa-wah!" ☺

0
0

New battery boffinry could 'triple range' of electric vehicles

Captain DaFt

Re: How many battery "breakthroughs" is that this year?

Won't catch me near a diesel though. That must be, by the arguments above, 10x more dangerous than TNT.

Good point. If I recall correctly (and I'm just now too lazy to confirm) a chocolate bar has a higher energy density than than the equivalent weight of nitroglycerin.

What a lot of people fail to appreciate is that energy density, and the speed the energy can be released, are two entirely different things. ☺

29
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Captain DaFt

Re: How many battery "breakthroughs" is that this year?

It's almost as if we've erased from our collective consciousness the horror that was NiCad.

Oh, to be young and naive again!

Once upon a time (up until the nineteen seventies), the portable world ran on carbon/zinc drycells.

Anything under D size was practically worthless, and it took a minimum of two of those to give you nearly a half hours use.

Then you chucked them, bought more, and carried on for almost another half hour, provided they hadn't leaked and eaten away the electrical bits of the device.

Compared to them, NiCads were a godsend!

But, everyone knows that batteries have never improved, so I'm told. ☺

35
1

Hey, we've toned down the 'destroying society' shtick, Facebook insists

Captain DaFt

Re: facebook eventually imploding.

it's merely ignored like the sound of one hand clapping, people don't hear it, and probably wouldn't comprehend if they did,

Twas ever thus:

"Occasionally he stumbled over the truth but he always picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened." (Winston Churchill, allegedly referring to Stanley Baldwin)

Still applies to humanity in general.

6
0

Facebook announces ad revenue reroute: When Irish eyes are crying

Captain DaFt

Re: How will they allocate the cost?

Never underestimate accountants and their mysterious ways. They will find a way.

"He described the move as a "large undertaking" that will require significant resources to implement around the world."

Looks like they already have that covered.

2
0

Brrr! It's a snow day and someone has pwned the chuffin' school heating

Captain DaFt

Question for El Reg management:

About what percentage of your readers (or PTP followers for that matter) are actually still in school?

Or is there a way to calculate it from the number of schools that will still be closed after the snows due to frozen piping?

It looks like Parliament's push to get more students interested in IT may soon have real world results! ☺

0
0

Pickaxe chops cable, KOs UKFast data centre

Captain DaFt

Re: Just got this email from ukfast

The UPS system supported the load for its designed time and the generators started; however, due to the physical damage to the power cable, service to the site was unstable and intermittent. As a result, the generator set failed to synchronise and take over service.

Holy crap! You mean that their transfer switch didn't automatically cut the mains feed when the power went wobbly and back up kicked in?

And not restore mains power until it's stable? (For at least 15 minutes, if I recall correctly)

Or, just as bad, they had more than one generator operating, and no way to synchronise them?

4
0

Why is Wikipedia man Jimbo Wales keynoting a fake news conference?

Captain DaFt

Re: The biggest fake news story...

...is how Wikipedia is constantly running out of money

Good Heavens man, look at their finances, they're rarely over 100 million in cash!

In order to be a respected world leader, a true shaker and mover in the modern Western world, they need BILLIONS!, otherwise, the one percenters will just point at them and laugh!

Is that what you really want?

Donate, Man, donate, for Jimmy's sake!!

8
0
Captain DaFt

"... despaired after the site had been taken over by far-right extremists. "

Will no-one show some care for the far-left extremists?

I believe the all-encompassing terms are "Kooks", and "crackpots".

One a nutter is spotted, who cares which end of the spectrum their standard is planted?

2
0

Seagate: Happy Xmas, staff – thanks for everyth... um, you 500. Can we have a word?

Captain DaFt

How to motivate the workforce (NOT!)

"Hey guys, you're doing such a great job, we can lay X% of you off this quarter, and save millions!"

"Keep on doing such excellent work! Accounting and HR are really looking forward to the next quarter!"

1
0

Trump to NASA: Fly me (or some other guys) to the Moon

Captain DaFt

-"NASA looks forward to supporting the president’s directive strategically aligning our work to return humans to the Moon, travel to Mars and opening the deeper solar system beyond,” NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot said of the directive.-

Wrong response!

When trump started talking about Moon/Mars missions from NASA, the first response should be [Vote your choice]:

□ "Money talks, bullshit walks."

□ "Show me the money!"

□ "With what? The two paper clips and a rubber band we can afford with this budget?"

□ "AH-HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! I suppose you want a pony and a fire engine too?"

□ "Dammit, we're NASA, not Santa!"

□ "Put up or shut up!"

18
1

New Capita system has left British Army recruits unable to register online

Captain DaFt

Re: What's in a name?

I wonder if, in coming up with the name "Capita", were they influenced by the word "Capital" and synonyms such as "Excellent", "Cool", "Fine", "Awsome" etc

Yo're on the wrong scent there. "Capital" is also a synonym for "money", the only thing important to Capita.

(besides more money)

3
0
Captain DaFt

Re: How bloody typical.

1.) We elect the politicians (where we are lucky enough to have the opportunity)- it's our fault if we elect idiots.

Ah! But when the only choice is "Left leaning idiot" or "right leaning idiot", what then?

Do it American style and vote for the "blithering idiot"?

11
0
Captain DaFt

Did the armed forces forget to hand Capita the spec sheet?

<snark>To save costs, Capita only had one member of the crew with the proper security clearance to read the spec.

Since he couldn't legally tell the others what the specs were, they just threw code together, then kept revising it based on whether he approved it or sent it back.

To further exacerbate the problem, he was let go halfway through, since the project was going over budget.

(The developer's budget from Capita, not Capita's budget from the military.)</snark>

12
0

Japanese quadcopter makes overworked employees clock out

Captain DaFt

Re: Hovering targets

Need a Ninja icon >

But El Reg has had a ninja icon for ages!

(But like a true ninja, you can't see it until it's too late) ☺

9
0
Captain DaFt

Re: I can save them $4,500 per month

Managers. If they can't manage properly, then a little education followed by performance related HR procedures should get the job done.

Another method: Just have a timed announcement at closing to the effect that: "The office is closing in half an hour. Anyone still on premises after that will be escorted out by security."

Then enforce it.

16
0

FCC backtracks on helping with neutrality fraud investigation

Captain DaFt

My bet is Pai will be the next CEO of Verizon...

My money's on Comcast.

10
0

Elon Musk finally admits Tesla is building its own custom AI chips

Captain DaFt

Re: Nothing to worry then

Of course, any of the above might not pan out, but to claim any of them are failures at this point is clearly absolutely incorrect.

Aw, he's just furious that all that money is being "wasted" on research, development, and innovation, instead of enabling a cabal of venture vulture capitalists to buy yet another corporation to asset strip, so they can afford more yachts, summer homes in exotic locations, or kowtowing politicians.

6
0
Captain DaFt

So the guy that's warning about God-like AI taking over is going all out to create it?

What's he going to do afterwards? Chortle, "Here is your God now!"?

12
0

Behold, ye unworthy, the brave new NB-IoT logo

Captain DaFt

"the NB part (it stands for Narrowband"

Are you sure it's not for "Now Broken"?

0
0

New Jersey lawmakers propose ban on folks drunk droning

Captain DaFt

Inner Scrooge disappointed

"New Jersey lawmakers propose ban on folks drunk droning"

And here I was thinking the headline referred to banning drunken Christmas Carolers. (What with it being that season and all)

7
0

Something weird to deck the Xmas tree with: 3D-printed Wi-Fi baubles

Captain DaFt

Re: Why?

"In an effort to make objects more chatty, ..."

Oh why!

Simples. The more data they collect, the better they can profile you for ads.

Take the detergent bottle example.

Now they can tell via your smartphone that you're low, and also when you're near a store, put the two together and:

[ping-ding] Just a reminder that while you're here, you need to get more dish washing liquid!

This store is currently running a special on Sudzik™ Dishwashing liquid, 10% off if you use your iPhone to purchase it in the next half hour!

That's Sudzik dishwashing liquid! Professionals use it!*

[ping-ding] Just a reminder that while you're here, you need to get more dish washing liquid!

This store is currently running a special on Sudzik™ Dishwashing liquid, 10% off if you use your iPhone to purchase it in the next 29 minutes!

That's Sudzik dishwashing liquid! Professionals use it!*

[ping-ding] Just a reminder that while you're here, you need to get more dish washing liquid!

This store is currently running a special on Sudzik™ Dishwashing liquid...

*Professional Marketers use it to make big money selling it to you.

8
0

Get ready for laptop-tab-smartphone threesomes from Microsoft, Lenovo, HP, Asus, Qualcomm

Captain DaFt

Re: Hello! Real World here!

Hey Silicon Valley: get in your Tesla, drive 500 miles away from San Francisco, and go sign up for a cel phone plan, paid for out of your own pocket.

Aw, they don't need to sign up to a cell phone plan as long as they drive the 500 miles due west! ☺

8
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La La La, I can't hear you: FCC responds to net neut concerns

Captain DaFt

Re: I Curse You, Ajit Pai

May you step in the dung of ten thousand dogs.

I think I can improve on that a bit:

May you be mired to the ankles in the dung of ten thousand dogs, head first!

10
0

Quentin Tarantino in talks to make Star Trek movie

Captain DaFt

Re: Star Trek: Discovery

I prefer the retro-remake, Star Trek: Very Disco.

Get down, get down... n' boogie.

Star Trek 2, Electric Boogaloo? ☺

3
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