* Posts by earl grey

1295 posts • joined 28 Sep 2011

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Tech bribes: What's the WORST one you've ever been offered?

earl grey
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Happy

Never really got offered a bribe

Well, leastways not that I would have recognised. Guess i was too dumb or not worth the effort. I did manage to be "gifted" a Mapper tie which had been made in limited quantities and have a few pens from a training session that light up in different colors...very entertaining...

Everywhere I have been employed the last 50 years has had very strict rules about bribes, accepting gifts of almost any value, etc. Never got offered much and never had to worry about the value (of the item or my integrity).

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Facebook faces foe formation in facial fingering fight

earl grey
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Facepalm

Re: OH dear....

But, but...then Zoiberg won't be worth billions of croutons!

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Machines learned to assemble IKEA’s semi-disposable furniture

earl grey
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Headmaster

Re: Real men? w/prostrate glands

1. to cast (oneself) face down on the ground in humility, submission, or adoration. 2. to lay flat, as on the ground.

yeah, not so much like prostate.

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earl grey
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Joke

However the hot dog at the end makes up for it all.

Yeah, used to getting the weiner in the end.

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Now IBM turns redundo gun on its Digital Business Group

earl grey
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Devil

BOHICA

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

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Size does matter, chaps: Oversized todgers an evolutionary handicap

earl grey
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Joke

Ah, yer takin' the piss

Reminds me of the old recording of two guys taking a leak

and the one says: "why is yours so much louder than mine"

and the other says: "I'm pissing on your briefcase"

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Honey, I shrunk the mainframe: Fujitsu freshens up GS21 kit

earl grey
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Pint

Re: Eclipsed?

As another old mainframe greybeard (starting some 50+ years ago), i offer you several of these.

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Facebook admits it does track non-users, for their own good

earl grey
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Trollface

how many kicks to the nutsack

would it take to get that scum to fix farcebook?

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earl grey
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Devil

Re: RE: As a never-signed up non member....

Somehow that kicked off:

badger, badger, badger

in my head... I'm not quite as sick as what's his name.

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El Reg needs you – to help build an automated beer-transporting robot

earl grey
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Trollface

Beer delivery

I thought that's what the sprog were supposed to do?

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Snubbed R Us: Microsoft eschews Vulture Consultants in Playmobil tech research

earl grey
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Facepalm

so how does this work

when the knight and the lady are stacked up? Just askin'

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German sauna drags punters to court over naked truth

earl grey
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IT Angle

"We sell ad space next to IT stories"

Is that why while i was at work i would always get the big ad with the slinky half-dressed babes and wonder what that had to do with IT?

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My Tibetan digital detox lasted one morning, how about yours?

earl grey
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Terminator

Re: Dabsy, I disagree about your choice of phone.

zombies shuffling down the street

OH, you just had to say that....

Party Rock!

Yeah

Wooo!

Let's go!

Party rock is in the house tonight

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UK.gov: We're not regulating driverless vehicles until others do

earl grey
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Facepalm

This is the best part

"A UK ban on all sales of normal road vehicles has previously been announced. It will take effect in 2040"

So normal vehicles will just vanish and you'll get around by ???? Flying?

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How machine-learning code turns a mirror on its sexist, racist masters

earl grey
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Paris Hilton

Paris and France

I was thinking more like Paris and pants...

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IBMers in TSS: How WILL we support customers after these latest job cuts?

earl grey
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Trollface

the customers backed a winner.

I think you mean the customers got the weiner.

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Java-aaaargh! Google faces $9bn copyright bill after Oracle scores 'fair use' court appeal win

earl grey
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Flame

so it's a win

hopefully they'll get a full one dollar as compensation and then be buried.

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BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

earl grey
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Facepalm

Twatspotting

Just like trainspotting before you twatsplat with the train.

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Go park yourself: Brit firm flashes self-parking car tech

earl grey
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Trollface

CAAS, the new wonder

And the ideal place to leave your thumbdrive full of personal information about 1000's.

No more having to leave it on a bus or train. Much more entertaining!

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US mulls drafting gray-haired hackers during times of crisis

earl grey
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Trollface

Re: An alternative:

"mass-training privates"

I always wanted someone to train my privates.

You, stand up straight!

Yes ma'am....sir....ma'am!

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Fancy a viaduct? We have a wrought Victorian iron marvel to sell you

earl grey
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Pint

Thank you

Love these articles about things of beauty.

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Anyone fancy testing the 'unlimited' drive writes claim on Nimbus Data's 100TB whopper SSD?

earl grey
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Trollface

is it April 1st?

I really need to see the price before i commit to a rack of these for my educational materials.

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Horn star Sudan, last male northern white rhino, dies aged 45

earl grey
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Unhappy

a sad story

Now if they can convince them to stop murdering off the pangolins.

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earl grey
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Trollface

Re: Genetic Diversity

Everyone knows it was aliens.

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Office junior had one job: Tearing perforated bits off tractor-feed dot matrix printer paper

earl grey
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Facepalm

Ah, the olden days

I can still recall having to decollate 6 part paper...the piles left and the rolled up carbon paper mess.

Bursting forms was another treat. I still have the scar on the back of one hand pulled into the machine.

We later one one of those fancy pants IBM guillotine "bursters" that had to have a special card programmed for each form size. Seems i recall that machine died when someone spilled a coke down into its innards. Those were the days we had to do alpha-numeric sorts on 30-40 cases of cards since the "mainframe" couldn't handle that much data (and IBM sort sucked). Cards, as you will recall, were packaged 2000 to a box and 10,000 to a case. The IBM printers all used carriage tapes and i can't recall how many of those i made up over the years. The one place I was employed even had their own ribbon re-inking machine.

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ACL-Sue: Rights group takes on TSA over device searches

earl grey
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Flame

legal basis

Simple; there is NO legal basis for their illegal and unconstitutional searches. Wankers

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Maplin shutdown sale prices still HIGHER than rivals

earl grey
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Trollface

Re: AA rechargeable batteries were always good value

using flashguns

Not as bad as popping in those flash bulbs and popping out a hot one into your hand.

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Fun fact of the day: Voice recognition tech is naturally sexist

earl grey
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Unhappy

She hate me

The voice system in my neighbor's truck won't listen to me at all. I generally don't mumble and try to enunciate well using plain (American) english. it is nearly impossible to get that crappy system to listen and understand me; you would think she was my wife or something.

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earl grey
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Facepalm

Re: Telephonists

My understanding was that the original operators were men but that when WW I started the men were all shuffled off to war and the jobs (and then lower pay) went to women. It stayed with women; as did a lot of factory jobs through WW II until the war was over and then the underpaid women were replaced by higher paid men doing the exact same jobs.

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Screw everything! French swingers campsite up for sale, owners 'tired'

earl grey
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Trollface

Re: Not cheap

And where do naturist swingers carry their iPads?

Nature's pocket; where else?

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Rhode Island proposes $20 porn tax. Er, haven't we heard this before?

earl grey
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Facepalm

download and fill a 1TB disk?

I heard from a friend that it takes about an hour.

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Hackers create 'ghost' traffic jam to confound smart traffic systems

earl grey
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Unhappy

Try any of this where i live

And the cross traffic only considers the red to be advisory in nature.

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earl grey
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Paris Hilton

Re: Traffic flow

in case of a CS

Well, she knows.

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MPs lay into UK.gov's planned immigration data exemptions

earl grey
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FAIL

what can possibly go wrong?

said no one, ever.

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'A sledgehammer to crack a nut': Charities slam UK voter ID trials

earl grey
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Happy

I've been voting for over 50 years

And i have to admit most of that was without ID. I could simply go in where i was registered to vote and do my thing. It was only after people got afraid of their own shadows and all the retarded political manoeuvering that i was required to actually show and ID prior to voting. Thankfully, in all those years, i have not run into anyone stupid enough to challenge my vote or try to influence me.

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earl grey
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Paris Hilton

Re: Don't like it being different per-constituency

Free! chocolate bunny.

I want a bunny.

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earl grey
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Trollface

Re: Doesn't seem to understand how voting works

"With folded fivers of course"

Maybe with folded knickers...

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earl grey
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Facepalm

put so much faith in a utility bill.

For the same reason they put so much faith in birth certificates... like those have some awesome certified source and can't be copied.

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Swiss see Telly Tax as a Big Plus, vote against scrapping it

earl grey
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Devil

would be bad news for the Capita

Awwww, i feel for them. Anyone else?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.crickets

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Java EE renamed 'Jakarta EE' after Big Red brand spat

earl grey
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Joke

Re: Krakatoa East Of Java

a Zanzibar in the greater Jakarta region

Home of the Zanzibarbarians.

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BOFH: Honourable misconduct

earl grey
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Devil

Re: I think I even have a script for that.

Time to submit those to Netflix to see if they'll make the series. They seem to go for more non-stock programs these days.

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Chilly willies: Swedish nudie nightclub opens in -11°C to disgust of locals

earl grey
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Angel

Re: IT?

Where would they store them?

Nature's pocket. Where would you expect?

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Why, why, Mr American Pai? FCC boss under increasing pressure in corporate favoritism row

earl grey
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Devil

Re: So - Who's got a finger in the Pai?

That's more than a finger. With a dummy like that the whole hand and forearm has to be used.

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Careful with the 'virtual hugs' says new FreeBSD Code of Conduct

earl grey
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Devil

You have to put the onus on people not to offend.

You point your onus at me and I'll stick my boot in it.

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KFC: Enemy of waistlines, AI, arteries and logistics software

earl grey
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Mushroom

Oh Look! A new FOAD sign!

GGGAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Roses are red, Windows error screens are blue. It's 2018, and an email can still pwn you

earl grey
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Gimp

More likely you're dying of dysentery

your mother is a robot.

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Talk down to Siri like it's a mere servant – your safety demands it

earl grey
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Facepalm

Re: You read ElReg at work

"my professional body" says i need a lie down.

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It took us less than 30 seconds to find banned 'deepfake' AI smut on the internet

earl grey
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Trollface

pearl-clutching horror

Are you sure those are pearls?

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BOFH: We want you to know you have our full support

earl grey
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Pint

TGIF

Beer time.

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CLOUD Act hits Senate to lube up US access to data stored abroad

earl grey
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Trollface

Re: What's next? Lets see - America-Fuck-Yeah

Make your time!

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