* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

727 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

Hotel guest goes broke after booking software gremlin makes her pay for strangers' rooms

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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"when we reached out to her"

Have you started employing out of work HR consultancy rejects? Whats wrong with "when we asked her"?

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'Major incident' at Capita data centre: Multiple services still knackered

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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looking at a bit of paper -

that and using LinkedIn

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Faking incontinence and other ways to scare off tech support scammers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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All you need is here

https://www.theregister.co.uk/2016/04/29/it_helpdesk_creates_oh_hold_hell/

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Azure users told they're not WannaCrypt-proof

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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The Cloud

Where Cuckoo Land is

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Try not to scream: Ads are coming to Amazon's Alexa – and VR goggles

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Just when I was beginning to contemplate thinking about getting one

Now: just piss off.

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Microsoft touts next Windows 10 Creators Update: It's set for a Fall

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Got as far as "Cortana"

No thanks

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Another AI assistant... It's getting crowded in here, isn't it, Siri?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Given that

the best Google and the morons at Amazon can do so far is to offer me more of what I have just bought or just looked at. That's IT.

They then top it off by telling me what other people looked at (as if I should give a rats arse), what's "trending" (Why should I even give a shit, let alone a rat's alimentary canal?) and what other people bought as well (WTF?)

Look, Google and Amazon, et al: piss off for a bit and get advertising right in the first place. Tell me what I want BEFORE I have found it and please understand tat I don't give a flying fuck what other people looked at/bought, what else other people bought or what is "trending".

Get that right and serve inconspicuous, non-animated ads that don't distract from what I am trying to read, don't chew swathes of bandwidth and don't slow my PC to a crawl and I may begin to consider that you are offing me a worthwhile assistant that can work with me, rather than shoving down my throat a dirty creep in a greasy raincoat hell-bent on following me around.

Until then please; just piss off

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Need the toilet? Wanna watch a video ad about erectile dysfunction?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Curved Air

Amen to tyhat - and they are still performing! Found a concert a week or two back so going to see them in November

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Prisoners built two PCs from parts, hid them in ceiling, connected to the state's network and did cybershenanigans

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Time doing bird

Or Penguin?

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As you stare at the dead British Airways website, remember the hundreds of tech staff it laid off

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Penny Wise

Good thing they aren't doing anything critical - like running an airline. Oh, hang on a mo............

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Ex-IBMer sues Google for $10bn – after his web ad for 'divine honey cancer cure' was pulled

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Amid all this:

"The Register also reached out to IBM"

What? Have you just employed an out of work HR consultant?

What's wrong with "The Register also asked IBM"

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Boffins give 'D.TRUMP' an AI injection

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: New meme?

Twitter

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As ad boycott picks up pace, Google knows it doesn't have to worry

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Who watches adverts?

It's not just your belief:

http://adcontrarian.blogspot.com/?_sm_au_=isVSvSzNNj0JnwMR

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Fire brigade called to free man's bits from titanium ring's grip

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Please tell us

His name was "Dick"

or, at the very least, "Willie"

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Brit ISP TalkTalk blocks control tool TeamViewer

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Another morning wasted

You mean you are STILL with them?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Seriously...

BT have an awful lot of previous phorm and vermin media aren't that pleasant

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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fundamentally and institutionally s**t

There is no way of Gods earth they have improved THAT much

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User lubed PC with butter, because pressing a button didn't work

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Re: abuse Excel especially creatively

Back in the late '80s I was working at a place which had embraced IT in the form of an Alphamicro mainframe with a bunch of dumb terminals (big diskpacks stuff - all of 30meg a time).

One of the sales guys was regularly producing ALL his stuff using the spreadsheet tool:letters, quotes, the lot. Was most surprised when I showed him the text editor.

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Anti-TV Licensing petition gets May date for Parliament debate

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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How much does commercial TV turn over. How much is that per household and from where does that money ultimately come? Remember, you may not buy a specific good or service but you are sure to be feeding the overall figure, either directly or indirectly even if separated by many steps (and their profit margins on cost)

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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bring back Angus Deayton

Yes, but only occasionally. The idea of each show having a guest host was inspired and has given rise to some excellent exchanges.

I live in high hopes of continued excellence in the next series

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You're Donald Trump's sysadmin. You've got data leaks coming out the *ss. What to do

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: seriously Trevor

"How about I write an article about palace cyber security and put this picture as the article picture: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/fe/12/25/fe12252bf350776779ac9808976c7554.jpg"

MUMMY!

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Jun-OH-NO! NASA's Jupiter probe in busted helium-valve drama

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: My God

@Jake: Reference is from 2001: A space Odyssey

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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My God

Its full of stars

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BOFH: Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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@Phuzz

Just think: GitLab may NEVER HAVE HAPPENED if the BOFH had been published earlier in the year

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Careless Licking gets a nasty infection: County stiffed by ransomware

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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unable to process checks.

CHEQUES, please

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New measurement alerts! Badgers, great white sharks and the Lindisfarne Gospel

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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NO!

And that is the whole point

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LG's $1,300 5K monitor foiled by Wi-Fi: Screens go blank near hotspots

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Covered already:

Garb-age

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: "LG's space-age monitors..."

Garb-age

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Dido queen of carnage steps down from TalkTalk

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Re: Nowt

What? You mean it 'll IMPROVE?

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Parliamentary Trump-off? Pro-Donald petition passes 100k signatures

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Classic Trump supporters?

@Stumpy: Or worse. A Daily Mail "jernalest"

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Shocked, I tell you. BT to write off £530m over 'improper' Italian accounts practices

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Being naughty?

Its not as if BT have previous phorm. is it?

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What's the biggest danger to the power grid? Hackers? Terrorists? Er, squirrels

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That's just nuts

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You know how online shops love to keep tabs on you? Now it's coming to the offline world

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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So lets get this straight: this is another creepy bloke in a dirty mac following me around

He is supposed to give me "highly efficient and personalized shopping" - would that be the same as the bollocks with which I am currently presented online: I buy an $Article and am almost immediately presented with ads for more $Articles. Hullo creepy, I am all $Articled out.

At customers'r'us, we believe that increasingly retailers will be separated by those who treat us like human beings and those who slurp data and use it to grow and optimise (or optimize) the shopping experience. TFTFY

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BT installs phone 'spam filter', says it'll strain out mass cold-callers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Ring ring

me: "Hullo. Microsoft security. How may I direct your call"

Does seem to work quite well

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Smart guns are a neat idea on paper. They'll never survive reality

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Comming between an american and his gun

Maybe make gun ownership only possible for those willing to adhere to the Second Amendment and who are prepared to actually be be part of, quote: "A well regulated Militia" and not a ragtag of individuals who want to wave guns around

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Second Amendment

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

A disgruntled redneck wanting to take potshots, a grumpy granny intent on "self defence" and all the other sundry wannabe bang bang owners are NOT a "A well regulated Militia"

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Sysadmin chatbots: We have the technology

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: BOFH

OK, you got there first.

Will we see a BOFH on Friday? We're overdue for one (or three)

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Laser beam sky mirage cannon can spy on enemies and generate Star Trek-style shields

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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And it's

FRIKKIN' LASERS

just remember that

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Facebook pimping for politicos despite fake news 'purge'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Instead of "I saw on Faecebook" try "Some ejit down the pub told me"

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Boffins turn timid mice into psycho killers – by firing lasers into brains

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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I now have this unfortunate mental image of Mrs Slocombe's pussy and a laser

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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5: PFY

6: BOFH

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Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change

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Perhaps but, if one has a question one would expect a way to get it answered without being (effectively) told to piss off.

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Oh ALIS, don't keep us waiting: F-35 jet's software 'delayed'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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The F35

ALIS' adventures in Blunderland

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Ransomware scum: 'I believe I'm a good fit. See attachments'

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"one threat actor leveraging the German CV campaign"

WTF is wrong with "one threat actor using the German CV campaign"

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Those online ads driving you bonkers are virtually 'worthless for brands'

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Re: you'd think...

By "Targeted ads" do you mean the demeaning dross from so many online ejits along the line of "you just bought a widget so we'll cram endless ads for even more widgets down your e-throat"

Pathetic, isn't it?

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Programmer finds way to liberate ransomware'd Google Smart TVs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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No smarts thanks. Gimme TAS* anytime

*TAS: Thick as Shit

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Support chap's Sonic Screwdriver fixes PC as user fumes in disbelief

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: There is no such verb as "to helm"

Avast behind

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China gives America its underwater drone back – with a warning

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Add TnT to it

"> I really, really hope you don't wield even the tiniest amount of power

Unfortunately he does: he can vote and probably did."

Probably for Trump

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Showoff

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DDoS script kiddies are also... actual kiddies, Europol arrests reveal

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Back in September

Europol's acting head of strategy for cybercrime whinged to The Register that the Europe will “certainly cut themselves off from the full intelligence picture” by marginalising the UK through yet another fit of Europique.

TFTFY

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