* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

776 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

You forgot that you hired me and now you're saying it's my fault?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Meeting rooms

Should have been Bully Fooked

Behold, says robo-mall-cop maker: Our crime-busting dune buggy packed with spy gear

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Where's the BOFH whan you really need him

This should be featuring ion Friday

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

The Pedestrian

by Ray Bradbury

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Why oh why

Can't it look like a proper DALEK!

Outlook.com looking more like an outage outbreak for Europe

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: "The Cloud" is SO overrated!

"The Cloud" - where cuckoo land lies

BOFH: We're only here because they said there would be biscuits

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Biscuits?

Crumbs!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Are you spying on us?

And us. We're rebranding - AND being all "digitised". Heck, we've got Orifice365, Shouty sorry, Yammer and intranet applications that are about as quick as a duck swimming through concrete after it has set and as comprehensible a an EU directive

'Don't Google Google, Googling Google is wrong', says Google

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

What about "leverage" as a verb?

One rather hopes Google has stamped on that

User demanded PC be moved to move to a sunny desk – because it needed Windows

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Oh dear

Just watch the film "Idiocracy" - and think of Trump's America.

Futuristic driverless car technology to be trialled on... oh, a Ford Mondeo

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Why not use a Tesla?

BMWs don't come with working indicators

Whoosh, there it is: Toshiba bods say 14TB helium-filled disk is coming soon

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Helium is tricksy stuff if I recall correctly.

So, How Long does it take for the helium to bleed out?

It's official: Users navigate flat UI designs 22 per cent slower

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Putting on my tinfoil hat ...

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity

British Airways waves Bing dong: At least it's not a tech cockup

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Also does the censor program...

Penis

Art

Rit

In

Sand

Virtual assistant backlash imminent so buy them anyway

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Gartner has predicted a backlash.

Dear Gartner. It started years ago

How to build your own DIY makeshift levitation machine at home

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coat

Thanks for floating this with us

I'll get my coat. Just plucking it out of the air.

Vodafone customers moan about sluggish data abroad

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Vodafone AKA

Random Number Generator - at least is the unending stream of comments about their billing and customer service on Social Media is to be believed.

A couple of family members have had to endure the unmitigated disaster that is Vodafone. Based on the evidence so far I believe the throttling is yet another manifestation of Vodafone's barrelling incompetence, rather than malice.*

I thank $deity of choice that i am not with them myself.

* though I wouldn't put it past them to be dabbling in that as well.

Photon scattering puts a shine on CERN ATLAS boffins' day

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Ditto

Unfortunately being thick enough to give pairs of short planks a run for their money doesn't help.

Blighty’s beloved Big Ben bell ends, may break Brexit bargain

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: We've got modern technology now, how about an official bong app?

Isn't there a bell end that keeps tweeting already?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

The Bells!

I recall an incident some years past, in which Mrs Marmite and I were looking round Hallgrimmskirkja (Big and very impressive church in the outskirts of Reykjavik, Iceland). We had ventured up the tower and were admiring the view from just under the bells. Our timing was a little bit off (or perfect - depends on one's point of view), as we had arrived on the floor just as time was approaching the top of the hour.

Now, Mrs Marmite is a seasoned bellringer but it still frit the shit out of her when the bloody big bell above her head gave its first godalmighty bong. A most impressive reaction ensued, in which both feet left the ground together

One got a severe arsekicking for laughing one's head off.

As a sidenote: Hallgrimmskirkja is a perfect example of how great a concrete building CAN look, as much as Coventry Cathedral isn't. The organ is pretty impressive too - looks like something off Star Wars. Must go again sometime

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: A point in fact.

Dicky McDickhead

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: A point in fact.

Have an Upvote McUpvoteface

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Not to worry

Thought he had been using his face

Foot-long £1 sausage roll arrives

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Happy

Deep fried haggis

that's all

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I'll see your sausage and

raise you to one haggis

This surf-and-turf robot swims using ribbon-like fins. And it's floated for US Navy approval

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: I for one, welcome our new undulating overlords.

<waves>

DJI drones: 'Cyber vulnerabilities' prompt blanket US Army ban

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

As opposed to "making America grate"

words, words, random letters

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

We’ll be reaching out to the US Army

What's wrong with just: " We’ll be ASKING the US Army" - unless you are an HR consultancy reject.

'Would you like fries with that?' The cloud wants to know

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coat

@Frank ly

For some reason that quite made me chuckle and I can't understand why

Thank you

I'm off out

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
WTF?

One has to wonder

How do you know about Arabian Stallions or their dildos?

How do you know about strawberry flavoured lubricant and that it comes in tubs?

Sorry, psycho bosses, it's not OK to keylog your employees

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: EPO not beholden to national laws

Whhhooo, goodie! Can I get a job and not pay national income tax "given its status as an international organization"

BOFH: Oh go on. Strap me to your Hell Desk, PFY

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

This

Will not End Well

UK ministers' Broadband '2.0' report confuses superfast with 10Mbps

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Gummint clueless about IT

Who'd a thunk it

Moneysupermarket fined £80,000 for spamming seven million customers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Personally speaking,

Never attribute to malice that which can be perfectly well explained by stupidity

2017: The FBI alerts parents to dangers of Internet of Sh*t toys

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Lets get Social

@ Mage - Meaning a full 39% or parents are not sane

Juicy fine for Bradford firm after it blurts one million spam texts

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

About time fines were set as percentage of annual turnover

Like it sez, really. And no, 100% isnt an upper limit

User left unable to type passwords after 'tropical island stress therapy'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Nailed it in one

Me too - on an old fashioned typewriter, to boot. And, boy, could she type!

Microsoft drops Office 365 for biz. Now it's just Microsoft 365. Word

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Have you read the blurb on their blog?

Whadya mean "Buzzword Bingo" The word "leverage" wasn't used ONCE in any context, let alone as a verb. The announcement was obviously writtem by a rank amateur.

Google ships WannaCrypt for Android, disguised as Samba app

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"both leveraged insecure SMBv1 shares"

Please, can we stop the reject HR consultant buzz-speak? Whats wrong with "both used insecure SMBv1 shares"?

China pollutes ocean with bloody big rocket

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: How do you say "Oh, CRAP" in Mandarin?

聖潔的廢話

Fresh cotton underpants fix series of mysterious mainframe crashes

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Fanfold paper hurts

Ah yes, long time sinceupon I worked on high speed line printers. One was test run but without the tinsel thingy on the paper exit. Picked up a wedge of printout with one hand, went to flick the perforations with the other to get the tear off started and got one hell of a belt. Data 100 that was, in Hemel Hempstead. Part of CDC, if I recall correctly. <waves at any old lags>

French general accused of nicking fast jet for weekend trips to the Sun

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

P.S. Helicopter icon ... because there isn't an aircraft one.

That's plane to see

BOFH: Putting the commitment into committee

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

@ Sir Runcible Spoon

Have you tried "Fences"? If you can find an older version, that's free. Install and persuade it not to update, you're home and dry.

Ad 'urgently' seeks company to build national e-ID system

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Joke

Capita

Icon says it all

BOFH: Halon is not a rad new vape flavour

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

You just need this

https://www.reddit.com/r/sysadmin/comments/4gla0x/extension_666_hell_we_are_sick_of_cold_sales/?st=j445z687&sh=5cdead7c

Google's news algorithm serves up penis pills

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Is that you, Willie?

I fought Ohm's Law and the law won: Drone crash takes out power to Silicon Valley homes

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Police went on to say they have shot 4 black male suspects.

Senator blows a fuse as US spies continue lying over spying program

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

The USA - same as any other third world nation

Just with more money

HPE ignored SAN failure warnings at Australian Taxation Office, had no recovery plan

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Cloud is no panacea

As has been pointed out before: the cloud is where lies Cuckoo Land

Hotel guest goes broke after booking software gremlin makes her pay for strangers' rooms

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"when we reached out to her"

Have you started employing out of work HR consultancy rejects? Whats wrong with "when we asked her"?

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