* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

769 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

Facebook's new always-listening home appliance kit Portal doesn't do Facebook

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
FAIL

No.

Simple enough?

Brit mobe operator O2 asks cut-off customers: Have you tried turning it on and off again?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

And don't forget

TalkTalk have just unloaded their mobile biz onto O2.

A sort of self-thickening shitmix

Robot Operating System gets the Microsoft treatment

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Recycle

Top of the bots

Fortnite 'fesses up: New female character's jiggly bits 'unintended' and 'embarrassing'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Well

That raised a titter

Resident evil: Inside a UEFI rootkit used to spy on govts, made by you-know-who (hi, Russia)

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Pint

There are some bloody clever people out there

This is for the good guys >>>

Take the wheel, Arm tells its notebook-grade Cortex-A76 CPU: Now you're a robo-ride brain

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Two cores? How do you know which one is wrong?

Shouldn't it be a minimum of three cores, voted 2-oo-3?

Amazon Alexa outage: Voice-activated devices are down in UK and beyond

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Yes! I'm affected!

I just HAD to come here to read the comments.

Otherwise, I'm just fine, not actually having an Anusexa.

Microsoft has a digital coworker it wants in your business: Cortana

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Isnt that already happening with Orifice 365? All your crap belong MS servers.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Can you imagine

An open llan office full of people wittering at their computers and a good percentage of those conversatioms descending into screaming fits?

Sorry but the sooner Cortana is led outside and put out of our misery, the better

Fat chance: Cholesterol leads boffins to discover world's oldest animal fossil – 558m years old

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Fat chance

Probably for the best: Apple makes sure eSIMs won't nuke the operators

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

@ Waseem Alkurdi

I guess he means summat a bit like Crown House (and one other I cant recall) who run TV transmitters, carring content from the Beeb, ITV, Channels 4 and 5 and th edross broadcasters

Microsoft: You don't want to use Edge? Are you sure? Really sure?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Don't want to use Edge?

But you can roll it in glitter

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"slimy marketing cesspool crap"

Has Microshaft actually improved THAT much?

The Register's 2018 homepage redesign: What's going on now?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Nah.

Sucks on a mobile. Too much wasted space. Cant comment on the ads; long since gave them the boot - you only inflict animated/video ads on me once.

I have to agree with previous comments regarding pigs & lipstick

Fast food, slow user – techie tears hair out over crashed drive-thru till

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Sad times

"How do you tell the clan of a Scotsman?"

Lift his kilt and see if he's a big MacDonald

Toshiba crams 14TB into another helium drive, this time with SAS boost

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Helium?

Isnt that the gas thats pretty hard to keep in? How long will one of these drives last?

It's a net neutrality whodunnit: Boffins devise way to detect who's throttling transit

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I thought the issue was the fire dept had an "unlimited" plan, which Verizon decided was actually limited.

Don't mean to alarm you – but NASA is about to pummel the planet with huge frikkin' space laser

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

@ Adam Foxton

Only if you keep carping on about it

You: 'Alexa, open Cortana.' Alexa: 'Who?'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"to leverage the Echo’s impressive ....."

When folk start talking like that its pretty certain to be wank spank or an HR consultant has gotten out of the secure wing

Sur-Pies! Google shocks world with sudden Android 9 Pixel push

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: "We’ve built Android 9 to learn from you—

Wot jelabarre59 said. Times quite a lot

2TB or not 2TB: Microsoft fiddles with OneDrive as competition offers twice the storage

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

So. Kicked in the crotch twice, eigh?

One with getting just 1TB anda a second time being saddled with Orifice 365.

Still, I suppose you don't HAVE to use Orifice.

Fork it! Google fined €4.34bn over Android, has 90 days to behave

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"Google leveraged its platform dominance"

Please. What is wrong with "used"? Has someone escaped from HR again?

Shouting lager, lager... Carlsberg's beer AI can now tell pilsners apart

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Also from the Register...

Speaking (in appropriately reverential tones) of he who is the BOFH, aren't we overdue for a few episodes?

FCC caught red-handed – again – over its $225 complaint billing plan

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Swamp

He didn't actually enlarge it. He became the swamp.

"Ego sum palude" - ought to be his motto, I suppose.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: America, oh, America

/Inventor of the Marmite Laser - wiggles ears

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

America, oh, America

Home of the vested* interest.

*If not actually vested, at least in possession of a nice cardigan.

Sysadmin cracked military PC’s security by reading the manual

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Cars are fun too

Many years ago I had need to ask our graphics/marketing literature deaigner to move the nice Vauxhall Carlton hed bought newish sexondhand off the comaony.

As usual, it took ages for him to appear, by which time Id got bored, found a chunk of parcel strappimg, opened the car and was waiting for him.

His reaction: You camt have done that its an executive range car.

Another time, our admin lassie rang in from town, having locked herself out of her Datsun (it WAS a long time ago). Went to her rescue and managed to spring the catch on the back window then rwach in and unscrew the catch from the glass, open the window enough to reach the hinges, unscrew them, lift out the window and finally get at the door latxh.

Despite the two of us doing thus in the middle of a carpark and making no secret of it, no-one took the blindest notice of us.

Security guard cost bank millions by hitting emergency Off button

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coat

Slightly off-topic, but a memory stirred by tales of being shown around places.

We'd been talking to a London hospital some years back about a data collection system to streamline updating bed availability and allocation. We'd been given the Big Tour and seen all the wards with serious amounts of boxen and blinken lighten.

We were doing the handshake bit at the end, standing near the door of a perfectly ordinary ward; no boxen, no blinken lighten, just rows of oldish guys in beds. While I was looking, one of the guys at the far end leaped out of bed and started loudly declaiming the Ode to the Haggis. One by one the other old guys joined in until almost the whole ward was doing it.

I asked our guide what that had all been about and was it some kind of psychiatric ward.

"No" he said. "Its the Serious Burns Unit."

-

Sorry.

Ignore that FBI. We're the real FBI, says the FBI that's totally the FBI

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Ignore them.

@Gordon Pryra: Add almost any HR department to that list

Google kills AdWords!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Be thankful for the lack of symbolic explanation

Shutting down into protective catatonia.............

Atari accuses El Reg of professional trolling and making stuff up. Welp, here's the interview tape for you to decide...

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: I miss the old days...

Still didn't tell you where the "any" key was

MSDN unleashes a fresh round of unintentional innuendo bingo

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Back to School

Children live on one side of despair; the enlightened on the other.

Happy to be childish.

Now just feed me a goodly line that ends with a fnarrr, fnarrr

Audi chief exec arrested over Dieselgate car emissions scandal

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

What I find difficult to get my bonce around

OK, so VW, with the might of its huge design & development teams couldn't come up with an engine that met emissions regs and resorted to fraud.

Then the brown stuff hit the rotating object.

All of a sudden, a "solution" was found, tested and rolled out. Not only that but the "fix" was, for most engines, a firmware tweak and, in the case of the 1.6tdi, adding an airflow control device (a plastic mesh) in the intake.

Magically, that was all developed and rolled out in next to no time.

One is given to wonder why, if it really was so simple, VW couldn't have got it right first time around

Unless, that is, it wasn't possible to produce compliant engines that would not run a big, big risk of early EGR valve etc., failures - which seems to be exactly what is happening.

User spent 20 minutes trying to move mouse cursor, without success

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Trackball can be worse....

I refer to mine as a dead rat.

<SQUEAK>

Doffs cap to Mt Pratchett

Facebook's Trending news box follows fired freelancers out the door

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

See what's trending

I have never understood why I should give a rats arse about what is "trending"

It seems to be associated with organisations serving me ads for more of what I have just bought/looked at/etc.

BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I love this mag

never change.

Your parents love you, Cortana. That's why we bought you an upgrade

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Die bitch

Linked in is terrible. Period

10 social networks ignored UK government consultations

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: "rapid removal of abusive and objectionable material"

Why? No matter how you vote, its always the government that gets in.

NASA fix for Curiosity rovers's damaged drill: hitting it, repeatedly

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: What an odd way of putting it!

@ hplasm: Gender-unspecific tea refill and asexual mopping of keyboard required

Boffins bash out bonkers boost for batteries

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Diode or Storage

Why is my bullshit detector chiŕping?

Please no Basic Instinct flashing, HPE legal eagles warn staffers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

And NEVER

Use the word "Leverage" as a verb

SpaceX Bangabandhu-1 launch held up while Dragon splashes down on time

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Worse still

Bunga McBungaface

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Even worst ..

Pai Dirt

New Monty Python movie to turn old jokes into new royalties

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

No-one expects....................................

FCC shifts its $8bn pot of gold, sparks fears of corporate money grab

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Its

Pai Day!

My PC is on fire! Can you back it up really, really fast?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Capacitors

Many years ago: It wasn't unknown for a 22uf, 63V electrolytic capacitor to find its way, wrong way round, across the 12V power supply rails in some of the printers and terminals we often had on test. They were too small to have a vent but big enough to make a very satisfying bang.

Happy days.

Fresh fright of data-spilling Spectre CPU design flaws haunt Intel

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"new ways to leverage Spectre"

Please. Stop the twaddle

Typical cynical Brits: Broadband speeds up, satisfaction goes down

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Wanky McWankface?

Just wondering

Democrats need just one more senator (and then a miracle) to reverse US net neutrality death

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Pai a backhander

Works every time, so long as the backhander is big enough

Double double, soil and trouble, fire burn and heat shield bubble: NASA cracks rover, has dirty talk with ESA

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Come back Lester Haines

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