* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

778 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

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Just do IoT? We'd walk a mile in someone else's Nike smart sneakers, but they seem to be 'bricked'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

'pon my sole!

No yoke: 'Bored' Aussie test pilot passes time in the cockpit by drawing massive knobs in the air

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

May one comment on the The Registers insistence on publishing facile and peurile items like this and the infantile fascination with toilet humour

KEEP DOING IT!!!!!

Twilight of the sundials: Archaic timepiece dying out and millennials are to blame, reckons boffin

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

That's just a shadow of a real joke

US kids apparently talking like Peppa Pig... How about US lawmakers watching Doctor Who?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

The new Doctor isnt doing too bad

Considering, that is, the abysmal plots, incessant plot contrivances and the gaping holes. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far away, the Doctor Who stories hung together and - almost - made sense. Nowadays they are riddled with inconsistencies, illogicalities and holes big enough to fly a Dalek mothership through without worrying the slightest about damaging the paintwork. Dont get me started on the saccharine political correctness and the endless guy-in-a-rubber aliens.

Amid polar vortex... Honeywell gets frosty reception after remote smart thermostat tech freezes up for a week

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Forget the cloud

Sit in the sunshine

Techies tinker with toilet-topper to turn it into ticker-tracker

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

You're holding it wrong.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

We've had the max velocity of sheep in a vacuum

How about adding a few more measurements to the Register System of Units?

Will we see a definition for Cable Length?

Is there a new pressure unit - the grunt strain, perhaps.

And what about all the Ograms, that'll need a raft of new units.

Or is that a shit idea?

Windows Defender update: So secure, it wouldn't let Secure-Boot Windows PCs, er, boot

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Orifice is too general

Well, give it a number. Orifice 365 maybe.

Or another lower (and falling) number.

Trying to log into Office 365 right now? It's a coin flip, says Microsoft: Service goes TITSUP as Azure portal wobbles

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

24/7/52

And therein lies the problem. 24/7/52=0.065934066

Having AI assistants ruling our future lives? That's so sad. Alexa play Despacito

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

Quite agree about Earl Grey. Tastes like someone has already drunk it once.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

You can get them in the West Indies. Pyrex of the Caribbean, I think they're called.

AT&T, Sprint, Verizon, T-Mobile US pledge, again, to not sell your location to shady geezers. Sorry, we don't believe them

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Mebbee they should be obliged to put up a VERY large bond.

Payable to anyone except the FCC

If you wanna learn from the IT security blunders committed by hacked hospital group, here's some weekend reading

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

So where did the BOFH go for his holiday?

Microsoft wins today's buzzword bingo with empowering set of updates to Teams

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Had to endure this kind of thing for a while

Thank $Deity I no longer have to; assorted crap, judiciously mixed with buzzwords, (including "leverage as a verb) and salted by platitudes in "Personalised" emails and in-house Faecebook look-alike, from nameless members of "Your HR Team".

Slimy

It doesn't get much less motivating than that.

Before dipping a toe in the new ThinkPad high-end, make sure your desk is compatible

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Just

Plug in a decent keyboard, monitor(s) and a rodent of choice, configure the "Lid closed" function properly, stack the box at the back of your desk and get on with some real work.

Attention all British .eu owners: Buy dotcom domains and prepare to sue, says UK govt

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Needs a local agent

My thoughts exactly

Border guards probe 'suspicious bulge' in man's trousers to find he's packing fluffies

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

IT angle

Were the moggies chipped?

I'm just not sure the computer works here – the energy is all wrong

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Feng Shui

I used to be somewhat sceptical about Feng Shui, until I started working at a place with a large bit of landscaped parkland out front that included a wonderful lake.

I confess to an almost instant conversion when I realised how utterly calming the sight of the water could be.

But only if you imagined one or other of the more odious company reps stuck into it head down.

Happy days

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

A company for whom I worked a good few years back got into selling Toshiba Tosdic Distributed Control Systems (DCS). We'd put one in for a water company on their treatment works (water or poo - can't remember).

We had a few callouts that things were occasionally operating when they shouldn't. Looked like operator errors but they were adamant not.

Long story short, the truth eventually dawned - literally.

The Tosdic DCS consoles had an early kind of touchscreen, which was a lattice of IR beams across the front of a normal CRT. At a certain time of day, the sun shone through some high level windows in the control room. If the timing was perfect the poor IT lattice got confused and generated a teensy bit of garbage, but only if it was a fine and sunny morn.

A couple of sheets or printer paper taped over the offending windows sorted it until a more aesthetic solution could be fitted.

Florida man stumbles on biggest prime number after working plucky i5 CPU for 12 days straight

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Is that like Amazon Prime but less unpleasant?

Insiders! The good news: Windows 10 Sandbox is here for testing. Bad news: Microsoft has already broken it

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Y'now the Midas touch ................

Um, I'm not that Gary, American man tells Ryanair after being sent other Gary's flight itinerary

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Nah, just ask for help with a wheelchair and your portable IV drip and get confirmation that you can get someone to empty your colostomy bag.

Millennium Buggery: When things that shouldn't be shut down, shut down

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: God Bless written instructions

No, you just get some junior, wannabe middle, manager chanting "well you should have taken OWNERSHIP"

A few reasons why cops haven't immediately shot down London Gatwick airport drone menace

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: Fox Hunting Not real foxes but radio ones

How does that work if the drone is autonomously following a GPS flight plan ?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: It's not like they can triangulate the signals!

What signal is there if a drone is just relying on GPS and following a preporgrammed flight path?

Ho ho ho! Washington DC sends Zuckerberg a sueball-shaped present

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: "cash for consumers"

Cash for commodities. FTFY but still not right

Astroboffins spy a rare exoplanet evaporating before their eyes

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: This should be an object lesson

And ban vapourware

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coffee/keyboard

Re: Mint Force

Keyboard meet coffee

Fraudster convicted of online banking thefts using… whatever the hell this thing is

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge
Coat

Re: Hmm ...

Or just "bollocks" for the non-artists amongst us.

Mines the one with paint stains down the front

Dine crime: Chippy sells deep fried Xmas dinner

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

And what about

Chestnut stuffing. You can take your sage and onion and shove it. Sideways.

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

@vir

In other words, humans were never intended to eat sprouts!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Sprouts

Gently cook for precisely 9 minutes and 30 seconds, drain then serve in a bone china bowl to someone else, preferable someone you don't particularly like and with whom you have no reason to expect or hope for a cordial relationship.

BOFH: State of a job, eh? Roll the Endless Requests for Further Information protocol

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

What about TalkTalks technique?

After a good half dozen calls, give an answer (barely) that is completely unrelated to the original question and close the ticket.

Follow that up in 2-3 months time with a call to ask if you are happy with the solution to the completely unrelated problem.

'Say hello to my little vacuum cleaner!' US drug squad puts spycams in cleaner's kit

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

That just sucks

MAMR Mia – it's not just WD: Toshiba's popped to the microwave too

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

But will that be enough for Windows 10 AND all the patches?

Adobe Flash zero-day exploit... leveraging ActiveX… embedded in Office Doc... BINGO!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: leveraging ActiveX

@steelpillow

Screw that

Total Inability To Support User Phones: O2 fries, burning data for 32 million Brits

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Your ability to spell

Seems to be affected

Waiter, what's this? SpaceX delivery delayed for a day by moldy food

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

SQUEAK

With eternal thanks to Mr Pratchett

OneDrive is broken: Microsoft's cloudy storage drops from the sky for EU users

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

With a brick

Amazon's self-driving AI robo-car – THE TRUTH (it's a few inches in size)

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Shortly to appear, somewhat repurposed, in a BOFH episode or two.

Come to that, where is the BOFH?

What the #!/%* is that rogue Raspberry Pi doing plugged into my company's server room, sysadmin despairs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

I love this place

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Re: LOL Reddit

Marmite lasers are neither calm nor rational.

Beware the blinding beam of brown

Merry Christmas, you filthy directors: ICO granted powers to fine bosses for spam calls

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

£500,000 - per call?

No chance but wouldn't that be cool?

It's November 2018, and Microsoft's super-secure Edge browser can be pwned eight different ways by a web page

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

"to leverage the vulnerabilities"

You are an out of work HR consultant and I claim my £5

Scumbag who phoned in a Call of Duty 'swatting' that ended in death pleads guilty to dozens of criminal charges

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

All that just confirms my opinion that America is a third world country.

If that wasn't enough, I further opine it is rapidly heading for categorisation as a banana republic.

Huawei Mate 20 Pro: If you can stomach the nagware and price, it may be Droid of the Year

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

It may be a £899 phone

But with a £2.99 UI plus bloatware and nagware as described then just: no thanks.

Bloke jailed for trying to blow up UK crypto-cash biz after it failed to reset his account password

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

It could still be the end for you

Nikola Tesla's greatest challenge: He could measure electricity but not stupidity

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

You missed

Anyone using "Leverage" as a verb

Anyone using the word "Empowered" and its derivatives

Unsure why you can't log into Office 365? So is Microsoft

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Ah, the Cloud

Wherein lies Cuckoo Land

Memo to Microsoft: Windows 10 is broken, and the fixes can't wait

Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

Bing?

Qulity?

Oxymoron

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