* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

496 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

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What's the biggest danger to the power grid? Hackers? Terrorists? Er, squirrels

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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That's just nuts

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You know how online shops love to keep tabs on you? Now it's coming to the offline world

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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So lets get this straight: this is another creepy bloke in a dirty mac following me around

He is supposed to give me "highly efficient and personalized shopping" - would that be the same as the bollocks with which I am currently presented online: I buy an $Article and am almost immediately presented with ads for more $Articles. Hullo creepy, I am all $Articled out.

At customers'r'us, we believe that increasingly retailers will be separated by those who treat us like human beings and those who slurp data and use it to grow and optimise (or optimize) the shopping experience. TFTFY

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BT installs phone 'spam filter', says it'll strain out mass cold-callers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Ring ring

me: "Hullo. Microsoft security. How may I direct your call"

Does seem to work quite well

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Smart guns are a neat idea on paper. They'll never survive reality

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Comming between an american and his gun

Maybe make gun ownership only possible for those willing to adhere to the Second Amendment and who are prepared to actually be be part of, quote: "A well regulated Militia" and not a ragtag of individuals who want to wave guns around

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Second Amendment

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

A disgruntled redneck wanting to take potshots, a grumpy granny intent on "self defence" and all the other sundry wannabe bang bang owners are NOT a "A well regulated Militia"

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Sysadmin chatbots: We have the technology

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: BOFH

OK, you got there first.

Will we see a BOFH on Friday? We're overdue for one (or three)

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Laser beam sky mirage cannon can spy on enemies and generate Star Trek-style shields

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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And it's

FRIKKIN' LASERS

just remember that

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Facebook pimping for politicos despite fake news 'purge'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Instead of "I saw on Faecebook" try "Some ejit down the pub told me"

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Boffins turn timid mice into psycho killers – by firing lasers into brains

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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I now have this unfortunate mental image of Mrs Slocombe's pussy and a laser

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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5: PFY

6: BOFH

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Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Perhaps but, if one has a question one would expect a way to get it answered without being (effectively) told to piss off.

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Oh ALIS, don't keep us waiting: F-35 jet's software 'delayed'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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The F35

ALIS' adventures in Blunderland

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Ransomware scum: 'I believe I'm a good fit. See attachments'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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"one threat actor leveraging the German CV campaign"

WTF is wrong with "one threat actor using the German CV campaign"

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Those online ads driving you bonkers are virtually 'worthless for brands'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: you'd think...

By "Targeted ads" do you mean the demeaning dross from so many online ejits along the line of "you just bought a widget so we'll cram endless ads for even more widgets down your e-throat"

Pathetic, isn't it?

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Programmer finds way to liberate ransomware'd Google Smart TVs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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No smarts thanks. Gimme TAS* anytime

*TAS: Thick as Shit

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Support chap's Sonic Screwdriver fixes PC as user fumes in disbelief

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: There is no such verb as "to helm"

Avast behind

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China gives America its underwater drone back – with a warning

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Add TnT to it

"> I really, really hope you don't wield even the tiniest amount of power

Unfortunately he does: he can vote and probably did."

Probably for Trump

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Showoff

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DDoS script kiddies are also... actual kiddies, Europol arrests reveal

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Back in September

Europol's acting head of strategy for cybercrime whinged to The Register that the Europe will “certainly cut themselves off from the full intelligence picture” by marginalising the UK through yet another fit of Europique.

TFTFY

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China is building a full scale replica of the Titanic to repeatedly crash into iceberg

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: They should rename it

Nah. Iceberg was closer to America so shojld be called summat like "Dumb Trump Lump Boat Bump"

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Newest Royal Navy warship weighs as much as 120 London buses

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: "a number of modifications to bring them up to British standards"

Dear Sir

Thank you for the Marmite mention.

Yours

TI ot ML

Armed with the destructive power of a brown squirt

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BOFH: The Hypochondriac Boss and the non-random sample

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Happy Friday

nearly beer o'clock

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Hospital info thief malware puts itself into a coma to avoid IT bods

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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for leveraging the malware

WTF is wrong with "using"?

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Hackers electrocute selves in quest to turn secure doors inside out

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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"Others interested in the field could leverage their work,"

Bloody management twatspeak again. What's wrong with "USE"?

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User needed 40-minute lesson in turning it off and turning it on again

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Remember, everyone

Christmas is coming. Lots of new users of shiny boxes and no clue at all.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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@LDS

Maybe they need the instructions printing on BOTH SIDES

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Facebook 'fesses up to fudged ad metrics … again

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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You can't believe what you see on Faecebook?

Who'd a thunk it?

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How to avoid DDoSing yourself

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: I think the technical term is

You've met the wife's mother, then?

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Brexit judgment could be hit for six by those crazy Supreme Court judges, says barrister

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Media and entertainment

Rumpole

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Laser surgery ignites internal methane, burns patient down there

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Back to work

Enough of this fannying about

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First World Problems: John Lewis clients forced to re-register after website 'upgrade'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Facepalm

BBC just did the same to me

Just got an email from Auntie, which sez:

"Hello,

We've made a few improvements to your BBC account so we've had to sign you out.

We’re all done now though, so please sign back in to get the best out of your BBC"

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Vodafone and Inmarsat hang satellites over potential Internet of Things customers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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@ Martin Summers

Does that need much RAM, then?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Au contraire

The big cheeses have the cream of their engineering staff working on it, going through each design step very Caerphilly indeed.

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Who killed Cyanogen?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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"try to leverage its market power"

WTF is wrong with "use"?

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BT Yahoo! customers: Why! can't! we! grrr! delete! our! webmail! accounts!?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: BT service is shit & now corrupt.

What? Has it improved THAT much?

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My Nest smoke alarm was great … right up to the point it went nuts

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: @ Andrew Jones 2

He should've thought of that.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: 'Smart' is only used ironically.

Gimme TAS™* anytime

*Thick As Shit

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After baffling Falcon 9 rocket explosion, SpaceX screams: Hands off our probe!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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If these "unfortunate events" keep on happening, who do we blame for the series?

Lemony Snickets?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Fight fire with fire

Bastard! I was on my way to bed when I read that. I am now HUNGRY!

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Brit ISP TalkTalk scraps line rental charges

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Interesting timing ...

Don't do it.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Bullshitting "customer" manager

Don't debase Fucking marketing Liars by comparing them to TalkTalk

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Brit loan firm gets comeuppance for 7.7 million spam texts

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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with no battery

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USB-C is now wired for sound, just like Sir Cliff Richard

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: USB audio and Lightning audio is digital ONLY, not analog!

Just wait for the numbskull sales assistant in Currys: "Oh you gotta have the GOLD data lead. It makes the sound SOOOO much cleaner"

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: To the USB implementers forum, I say...

Does this mean sales of 3.5,, devices will now................................

........................

wait for it....................

.......................

.................Fall off a Cliff?

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Forgive me, father, for I have used an ad-blocker on news websites...

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: It's not the ads per se, it's the trackers

Adguard

Thanks for that. Have a doughnut.

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The law is an ass: Mooning banned at arse end of the world

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Winning the race

The convicts are dying out

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Dutch bicycle company pretends to be television company

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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To young ladies interested in cycling

Are you considered bike curious?

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TV industry gets its own 'dieselgate' over 'leccy consumption tests

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: Stop it... just stop it!!!!

Stopitgate, anyone

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WTF ... makes mobile phone batteries explode?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Re: In the phablet, the silent phablet, the LiOn sleeps tonight

Bastard

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What says Internet of Things better than a Bluetooth-controlled smart candle?

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
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Pint

Re: Sounds good to me

Pure gold. Have an upvote. Hell, have a beer as well.

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