* Posts by ukgnome

1735 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

Tech talk bloke compares girlfriend to irritating Java tool – did he deserve flames?

ukgnome

Re: The "it's a joke" brigade have missed the point

2 Things, in the old days - blah blah blah - get with the program, we don't live in the old days, and public speaking, by very nature is public. Maybe they should hire private speakers.

It concerns me that my peer group are a bunch of unfunny misogynistic twunts.

*oh calling you all twunts so publicly is actually a joke and you shouldn't be offended.

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ukgnome
Joke

The "it's a joke" brigade have missed the point

Firstly jokes are meant to be funny or fuelled by sarcasm or irony. This attempt is just shit.

And secondly it's not for the tech community to judge, when this went out into the twatosphere others other than tech heads will of been made aware of it. This makes me, you and loads of other people in IT look like cocks. And whilst that might be true we shouldn't advertise it, unless it's y'know big cocks and that's what the women want, or men, or sheep....

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Plucky Playmonaut bails out of smoking Vulture 2

ukgnome

Re: Playmonaut

His name is Plucky - although that might be just his call sign.

I believe they ejected his ejector seat to make for a lighter load.

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Japanese finally produce a ROBOT which isn't DEAD INSIDE

ukgnome
Flame

Kill it.....

Kill it with fire

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Fed-up bloke takes email spammers to court – and WINS PILE of CASH

ukgnome
Joke

Data Directive litigation troll

Is that like a film noir troll?

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Londoners urged to cut landlines and take up wireless broadband

ukgnome

Re: Bonkers.

It wouldn't work in my village - but then again we don't have lamp posts.

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Please be seated at your FOUR-LEGGED PC

ukgnome

Thanks for the bootnote - although cantilevers are pretty cool.

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New iOS 8 SDK: Come in, apps. Get cozy, sip wine, swap numbers

ukgnome

Leaky sandbox - egg timer of doom?

If you let apps out of the sandbox, even innocent apps like swype then how long before you introduce vulnerability?

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The hoarder's dilemma: 'Why can't I throw anything away?'

ukgnome

Get well soon Dabsy.

This particular reprint lacks the frustration and anger of your more recent pieces.

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London officials declare cabbie-bothering Uber is legal – for now

ukgnome
Coat

I heard that the Luddite Black Cab drivers are also trying to ban A to Z guides and Google Maps also.

*the one with, oh no hang on, I left it in a taxi, I will never get that back now - TAXI!

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100% driverless Wonka-wagon toy cars? Oh Google, you're having a laugh

ukgnome

Are they hackable?

Who wouldn't want to watch the fun of a hacked noddy car terrorising a truck stop?

Sort of the chocolate factory meets maximum overdrive.

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Rich bitch sorority girls actually more likely to put out than low-class 'sluts': Study

ukgnome

WOW

it's scientific research like this that makes creationists seem reasonable.

Can't we all just enjoy/refuse a shag without the labels?

*when I say all I don't actually want to shag any of the commentards, they work in tech and are therefore too slutty.

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Rap chap tapped for $3 BEELLION: Apple buys Dr Dre's Beats

ukgnome

@SuccessCase

TL:DR

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Sony Xperia Z2: What we REALLY thought of this Android fondleslab

ukgnome

erm...

it's hardly amazing for the price. Think I will stick with the ipad.

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It's Google's NO-WHEEL car. OMG... there aren't any BRAKES

ukgnome

The test cars have a plug in steering wheel and controls, apparently they can be removed once the system gets it's town car badge or summink.

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'I was trained as a spy' says Snowden

ukgnome

In the nicest way possible - I simply don't give a frig.

He could be trained by Ronald McDonald to flip burgers for all I care. Yes, he showed the world the techniques through a prism, but in all honesty as someone else has said. ANYONE could of guessed.

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Vodafone turns to EU, asks it to FORCE 'fair' fibre pricing

ukgnome

Re: 10mbps?

Probably not

I have just done a speed test on EE's 4G in Ipswich

and to say it's crap is an understatement - currently getting 3 mpbs on the downstream and 2 on the up

I was wondering if it's congestion, so I have carried out a test on 3G - currently getting between 2 and 4 on the downstream and between .5 and 2 on the up.

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ukgnome

Voda repel and repulse me, they are the UKIP of phone providers.

Wanting all of the benefit with none of the commitment.

Pay your corporation tax and then we can discuss this more.

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NOT APPY: Black cab drivers enraged by Hailo as taxi tech wars rage on

ukgnome

sworn enemies

I always though the mass transit systems were the sworn enemies of all taxi drivers.

After all it's hard to tell if the driver of a tube or bus is, how to phrase it, a UKIP voter...

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Privacy International probes GCHQ's mouse fetish

ukgnome
Big Brother

Re: They destroyed this kit because.....

That's what they want you to think - it's all part of the conspiracy

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ukgnome
Black Helicopters

They destroyed this kit because.....

It was all NSA standard kit that had been in the Guardians offices since 911 and they have been harvesting and implanting data every since.

How else can you explain all those misspellings in the stories they publish.

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Look, pal, it’s YOUR password so it’s YOUR fault that it's gone AWOL

ukgnome

No end of Sharepearean sonnets will protect me from eBay’s lead windows or a Ministry of Defence civil servant leaving his laptop in a taxi.

Is that a deliberate error? Or an open source bard?

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EBAY... You keep using that word 'ENCRYPTION' – it does not mean what you think it means

ukgnome
FAIL

I am going to wait 3 months before commenting on this, and even then I will let the BBC do the commenting for me.

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eBay says database leak dump offers are fake

ukgnome
Joke

I am so pleased eBay are on the case, I feel a lot safer knowing this.

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Are you senior enough to sit around a table with The Register?

ukgnome
Joke

What about us plebs? I have a box of throwing eggs and everything!

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BRITS: Wanna know how late your train is? Now you can slurp straight from the source for free

ukgnome

Re: Branch line woes

Abellio Greater Anglia don't care....I consider you lucky that you get a bus replacement. I have never had one for the Norwich to Ipswich commute.

Some days it would be quicker walking, although hopefully the freight loop that goes live in Ipswich should \ could alleviate some of the delays.

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ukgnome

Hopefully this will be used to kick the crappy services into touch. I foresee lots of user generated pretty graphs and tables all showing what we already know. Greater Anglia are the worst company...but you may disagree... in a barrel full of turds it's hard to find the best turd.

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Rival BT sics ad watchdog on EE: ASA growls at 'most reliable broadband' claim

ukgnome

"most consumers" are indeed complete idiots, and at least 200 of them work in the same office as me...

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E-cigarettes help you quit – but may not keep you alive

ukgnome

I quit with e-Cigs (sorta)

It's been over a year since I bought a packet of tabs or some baccy.....yay go me.

However, I do vape, it's like my pal, he's always with me and I like to suck on him.... OK maybe I should try that again...

I replaced my 20 - 40 a day habit with a PVD and not an e-Cig, I found the ones that look like a cigarette a bit pointless. So I invested in a normal looking refillable vape pipe. The thing is I din't stop there, mainly because of the modding community. So now I vape what can only be described as a hybrid mix of sonic screwdriver and wizard wand. It looks more star trek than cigarette. And I didn't stop there, I also mix my own juices using confectionery flavours and have saved about £50 by buying my PG and VG from a chemical factory that produces food grade additives. So what I hear you say, and I totally agree with you, so what indeed. The thing is I understand the the need for regulation, as the flavours are all food grade, you have to be careful what you out into your body. And I have actually quit smoking? No and Yes....I inhale my nicotine in a whisp of vapor rather than breathe in a toxic soup. The only smoke I inhale is a particular plant matter, and I do that through - yep you guessed it, a dry herb vaporiser that fits a few of my wizard wands.

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Microsoft’s 'FIRST NOKIA' arrives at £89

ukgnome

is it just me...

But this smells of copyright infringement....times 2

the colours look sort of iPhone 5C territory

the capacitive back home and search buttons look a bit Androidy

Is anything original these days?

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Brits to vote: Which pressing scientific challenge should get £10m thrown at it?

ukgnome

Re: Science education...

*double sigh*

Can we get this straight, please?

Homeopathy lacks biological plausibility and the axioms of homeopathy have been refuted for some time.

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iPhone-stroker-turned-fandroid sues Apple over iMessage text-slurpery

ukgnome
Trollface

When you send an iMessage it is sent encrypted, it's not Apple's fault that this lusers Samsung cannot decrypt it.....

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Welcome to Heathrow Terminal, er, Samsung Galaxy S5

ukgnome

Share and Enjoy

Share and Enjoy

Share and Enjoy

Journey through life

With a plastic boy

Or Girl by your side

Let your pal be your guide

And when it breaks down

Or starts to annoy

Or grinds when it moves

And gives you no joy

Cos it's eaten your hat

Or had sex with your cat

Bled oil on your floor

Or ripped off your door

You get to the point

You can't stand any more

Bring it to us, we won't give a fig

We'll tell you, 'Go stick your head in a pig'.

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Job for IT generalist ...

ukgnome

Reputation

It's a difficult one, but I found doing the contractor rounds very good for building my reputation. What's that company X, can I sort out your Citrix gateway?......Yeah of course I can.....and hope for the best.

Because of this foolhardy way I have applied myself I have found that I often get (got) contracts that were a bit above my mixed skill set. Although I have for the past two years started a full time in-house role. I don't get as much cash, but at least I know I can feed my family and stuff. I guess it's about money, and how much you want.

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Apple, Google: WE SURRENDER ... to each other in patent war truce

ukgnome
Joke

Can you hear that?

It's the sounds of a popcorn company going bust...

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Real, hovering SPEEDER BIKE can be YOURS for cheaper than a house

ukgnome

Re: The ugliest looking thing since........

hey! I drive a froggy and she's lovely...this on the other hand needs killing with fire.

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Boffins run iOS apps on Android hardware

ukgnome

ooohhh arrrrr oooohhh arrrr aaaay - shurely?

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Surprise! Google chairman blasts EU's privacy ruling

ukgnome
Mushroom

What bugs me

Where will this erosion of history finish?

You can't just go around deleting history, now if it turns out that the search result in any way is false then fair enough. Surely we have to be a bit responsible for our actions.

Is the idiot driver that killed my brother-in-law going to ask for that court filing to be removed, because Nigel is dead and it was a few years ago? Why should it be removed?

Should that picture of me with the two strippers and the big bag of surf be expunged because I want to work in finance?

It's not up to the EU to make the rules, and what about all the other search engines? Won't this stop development of other browsers because it's suddenly got more expensive? And then what about data that isn't stored in the EU but involves an EU citizen?

Clearly it's not workable, and clearly this stupid decision needs challenging.

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Stop bullying SUPER FAT GODZILLA, urge movie stars

ukgnome

You think he's fat? You should see what Bay has done to Mecha-Godzilla....

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Nintendo says sorry, but there will be NO gay marriage in Tomodachi Life ... EVER

ukgnome
Joke

Re: It's just a fecking computer game folks!

NO!

All computer games now need to be rainbow flavoured...

Splinter Cell shall now be sphincter cell...

Doom will be re-branded with rainbows and be called Happy

And Microsoft Train Simulator will now have tighter tunnels....

Yes, I am been a bit sarcastic, but that's because it's just a friggin game.....

*I am more concerned with pokemon, but you don't see the ALF protesting!

**An El Reg, we need a sarcasm icon please!

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UN to debate killer drone ethics

ukgnome

When the chips are down

You have about 30 seconds to get out of the area whilst the droid reboots.

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Amazon granted patent for taking photos against a white background – seriously

ukgnome
Joke

Hahahahahahaha you now owe Amazon a quid ------------------>

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Apple pulls iPhone 4 from sale in India after just four months

ukgnome

@ Andy Prough

A) same as everyone.

B) same as everyone.

C) I usually spot sony, and now windows and their stupid surface devices, hardly ever apple.

D) same as everyone

E) That's not actually true, but just like everyone they pay very little.

F) Use green and conflict free materials, leading the way with investment and hopefully turning around the manufacturing companies to a better more sustainable way.

Sorry, have I left anything out?

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Ninten-DON'T: Wii U bomb blows Mario Kart giant off track – but new console promised

ukgnome

I think there is a difference between a family entertainment console and a games console.

Nintendo's problem is mainly the press. If you get several sites slagging it off because they are basing the experience on the xbox or ps then it's hardly surprising. I guess they are too honourable as a company to grease the palms of the reviewers.

I realise that makes me sound cynical, but it's the truth.

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Spain clamps down on drones

ukgnome

Re: How can it be banned .......

It's a bit like some corporate firewalls that I have worked on.

If it's black listed then you can't access it, and you can only access things that are on the white list.

if it isn't on either list then you still can't access it and have to ask the nice firewall people if you can access it.

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Potato in SPAAAAACE: LOHAN chap cooks up stratospud with Heston Blumenthal

ukgnome
Joke

He's quite weird isn't he?

No wonder he's part of SPB

*obvs this is a joke, I would never, NEVER, disrespect anyone in SPB. They can build drones and stuff.

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Cold War spy aircraft CRASHED Los Angeles' air traffic control

ukgnome

They have 6 weeks and 1 day.......

.....to sort out that sh1t

or I'm.......actually I want to visit the states, so I had better not finish that sentence

#Spartacus

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Tesco to tout its own smartphone – now THAT'S an unexpected item in the bagging area

ukgnome
Gimp

@ MJI - Far too creepy Tesco

So where do you buy your sex toys?

And why are you buying so many?

*enquiring minds want to know

**and so do tesco too

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El Reg Quid-A-Day Nosh Posse back on the bacon

ukgnome

Next Year

Please can we have more notice?

As I would happily take part...

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Bill Gates: Sell off Bing? Nah. Xbox? Maybe...

ukgnome
Joke

I didn't understand what Bing was

I had to google it.....

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