* Posts by Alan Ferris

103 posts • joined 12 Jun 2007

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NHS England claims it will be all-digital within the decade

Alan Ferris

Bollocks

As someone who has worked for over 30 years as a GP, let me say that telephone consultations only work for (at best) 50% of consultations. We tried it all.... search on-line for "Doctor First" to see how it might happen. Half of the consultations need an examination, so you lose time on the phone / Skype and then do the normal consultation. Being too available caused consultation figures to rocket ( hello doctor, I've got shampoo in my eyes, what can I do? ) and we lost an experienced GP for 6 months with stress.

Increasing litigation means that no doctor wants to take a risk, so the fail-safe is to examine patients to at least put yourself in a position to make a diagnosis which is defensible in court /coroner's court.

Naked women cleaning biz smashes patriarchy by introducing naked bloke gardening service

Alan Ferris

Excuse me

No Playmobil?

Now that's a dodgy Giza: Eggheads claim Great Pyramid can focus electromagnetic waves

Alan Ferris

Re: It was aliens wot did it

Only if you're good.

Please tighten your passwords and assume the brace position, says plane-tracking site

Alan Ferris

And also some ground vehicles at airports seem to carry the right transponders too

One thought equivalent to less than a single proton in mass

Alan Ferris

Re: Confused units

So Low's his brother

Google DeepMind trial failed to comply with data protection – ICO

Alan Ferris

Re: Deep Mind keeps the learning though?

Or you could ask people if they want to take part in medical research.

Just as with the use of other bits of my body, informed consent is the key.

Swedish school pumps up volume to ease toilet trauma

Alan Ferris
Coat

Sorry

Any Urrrr ... Soul music

Utah fights man's attempt to marry laptop

Alan Ferris
Coat

Buggered

There goes his on-line porn viewing ... unless he's a two-timer

Alan Ferris
Coat

Buggered

There goes his on-line porn viewing... unless he's a two-timer...

UK hospital meltdown after ransomware worm uses NSA vuln to raid IT

Alan Ferris

Re: Using Windows?

I can only speak for England, but you the taxpayer provide ALL GPs with computers and software. And it's all Windows based. I get no choice over hardware, clinical software or even antivirus. And the electronic booking system is only compatible with Internet Explorer... and not even the most recent versions.

We are all doomed

Fire fighters get grinding on London man’s trapped genitalia

Alan Ferris
Alert

Aspiration

Surely all they needed was a syringe and a fine needle to deflate the offending part?

Icon chosen for its picture rather than its significance

Laser surgery ignites internal methane, burns patient down there

Alan Ferris
Coat

Pictures ...

Or it didn't happen.

GIFs would be more acceptable

Cycling paramedics in epic rush to save patient who ate stale sandwich

Alan Ferris

Err...

Do you think that no-one has had a heart attack after a dinner that included a glass of wine?

Could be one of the most expensive glasses of wine that Tesco ever sold.

Alan Ferris

Err....

Do you think that there's never been a case of someone having a heart attack over dinner, when a glass (or even two) of wine has been imbibed?

Saw-inspired horror slowly deletes your PC's files as you scramble to pay the ransom

Alan Ferris
Coat

Incomplete reporting

Which porn sites are affected?

Asking for a friend

BOFH: Sure, I could make your cheapo printer perform miracles

Alan Ferris

Re: BOFH with patience?

Wrong colour, too

Triple-murderer prisoner keeps mobile phone in his butt for a week

Alan Ferris
Coat

Is that the phone with a fingerprint log in?

Or can you log in via a different route?

Aussies' distinctive Strine down to drunk forefathers

Alan Ferris
Coat

Re: E to I (or is this just NZ?)

Why not?

Brazilian prisoner nabbed with mobile up rear end

Alan Ferris
Coat

When I were a lad...

.. They'd turn up in A&E with a variety of things hidden up there, it was amazing that, to a man, they all said

" I accidentally sat on it "

WIN a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive with El Reg

Alan Ferris

I can't think of a witty title

So where do I put the loaves and fishes?

BOFH: Power corrupts, uninterrupted power corrupts absolutely

Alan Ferris

Love it

They would work perfectly well until they're needed.

Classic

Wanna call Barnaby Joyce a w**ker / gerbil on radio? FINE, says ACMA

Alan Ferris
Coat

Isn't this ruling....

... Gerbilist ?

Giant male member spontaneously ejaculates over Norway

Alan Ferris
Coat

Re: Mohel

But remember, one slip and you get the sack.

BOFH: Getting to the brown, nutty heart of the water cooler matter

Alan Ferris

causing at least one of his co-workers to upload their lunch.

cute

Twin Adam Sandlers shake El Reg's movie unwatchablathon team

Alan Ferris
Coat

BUT ...

It's only binge drinking if you stop

Drinking to forget? OK. But first, eat a curry... QUICK!

Alan Ferris
Mushroom

Re: Yes, but

You didn't by any chance contribute to the customer reviews for Veet for Men on Amazon, did you?

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Veet-Men-Hair-Removal-Cream/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422446751&sr=8-1&keywords=veet+for+men

Parliament face-sit-in to spark mass debate on UK's stiff smut stance

Alan Ferris
Coat

But will there be television coverage of the protest?

... Or will that be breaking the law too ?

Be Your Own Big Brother: Peeking at pussy

Alan Ferris

Essential viewing

It's the only program that my cat watches

Who needs hackers? 'Password1' opens a third of all biz doors

Alan Ferris
Unhappy

Policies !

My (online) bank has never asked for a password change, in about 15 years of use, yet my NHS email account forces a change every 90 days.

Why does changing my password make the email address more secure? Or is it just a ploy to keep IT staff employed doing exciting things like resetting the account, when I get locked out because one copy of Outlook isn't updated quickly enough?

Call girl injected Google exec with heroin, drank wine, left him to die – cops claim

Alan Ferris

"And heroin is one of the most addictive of drugs."

Nicotine?

'Hashtag' added to the OED – but # isn't a hash, pound, nor number sign

Alan Ferris

Re: Pound sign

Pardon my ignorance, but wasn't the pound (£) originally simply the worth of that a pound (lb) in Sterling silver?

BOFH: On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept

Alan Ferris

Re: GCHQ wants to know what NSA hasn't a clue about and isn't being recorded for reporting in leaks

No pills will help THAT

eBay slammed for daft post-hack password swap advice

Alan Ferris
Coat

Book of passwords on my desk

No-one has mentioned Roboform - generates random passwords like 9qQWqNflgU^KP@qp , stores them on the PC and protects them with a single master password.

Provided the master password is good, is that not safe enough?

Whitehall and Microsoft negotiate NHS Windows XP hacker survival plan

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Typical

Actually, the NHS owns and pays for every PC in every GP practice, and has done since the contract changed in 2004. If they don't know how many PCs they own and support, well.... I'm not surprised.

And I've been asking about an upgrade from XP since August 2013 - 36 PCs in my practice. That's only £4,500 that the taxpayer is wasting on my practice in this year because the NHS didn't get their fingers out.

1783 days until I can retire

German frau reports for liver transplant clutching bottle of vodka

Alan Ferris
Unhappy

Re: Incorrect: From the NHS:

Nothing of the sort. The NHS recognises that Alcohol is a drug.

The politicians won't because then they'd have ethical problems in taxing alcohol (and nicotine),

Mountain bike mishap man suffers SEVEN WEEK stiffie

Alan Ferris
Thumb Down

Re: Sometimes

"Radioactive dye" - That'll make it easy to see the wood at night...

Maybe radio-opaque dye

James Bond's 'shaken not stirred': Down to trembling boozer's hands, claim boffins

Alan Ferris
FAIL

The BMJ

It's in the Xmas edition of the BMJ. That's a journal internationally-recognised for the quality of their articles, but in the Xmas edition, the standards are relaxed a little . Think Ig Nobel, and you'll be spot-on.

Tales from an expert witness: Lasers, guns and singing Santas

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Does the expert witness have to get his facts right?

Or would Sir Samuel Meadow actually be Professor Sir Roy Meadow?

Baldness fix from foreskin follicles

Alan Ferris
Paris Hilton

But when she stokes my thinning scalp....

... will I suddenly need a haircut?

Oz sawbones extract fork from old boy's todger: Gents, start your wincing

Alan Ferris
Coat

Aussies!

It's "Holistic", not "Wholistic"

What is the world coming to?

Put up your ... err ... hand for free vasectomy streamed online

Alan Ferris
Coat

Macho?

The definition of Macho is the man who jogs home afterwards.

Save hefty Dr Who and Bond girl 'Flossie', pleads vintage computer man

Alan Ferris
Coat

Pedant Alert!

Unless Flossie is very, VERY thin, I suspect that she takes up a number of cubic feet

NHS rolls out open-source test results service for renal patients

Alan Ferris
Holmes

Old hat

Many GP surgeries ( including my own) allow patients full read-only access to their full medical records

Japanese boffins crack arse-based ID recognizer

Alan Ferris
Coat

So I can throw away my Smart Card...

and login with my Smart Arse.

Progress indeed

Bo Peep insures jubs for $1m

Alan Ferris
Coat

That's unanimous, then

We'd ALL rather she went naked...

Feds probe naked Scarlett Johansson outrage

Alan Ferris
Coat

Sorry, I can't resist....

Playmobil, or it didn't happen

BOFH: CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse

Alan Ferris
Boffin

Epic

That is all

NHS trust issues nurse jub flash alert

Alan Ferris
Coat

Can I be the judge?

I could advise on how much cleavage is" too much"?

Iranian pimp plates arse up Afghan car sales

Alan Ferris
Coat

666 !

What abou 668 then? I mean, who would want to live next door to 666?

Verity Stob and the super subjunction

Alan Ferris
Coat

I am good

The correct response, which I have used for a number of years, is

"I am breathtaking, thank you"

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