* Posts by strangerRick

2 posts • joined 2 Apr 2011

Robot babies fail in role as teenage sex deterrents

strangerRick

We had those things at my school. It took about an hour online to hack the computer inside them... (They had a "tamper-proof" hex screw door blocking access... Of course I had a set that I bought from a Hong Kong supplier. Fed a downloaded set of bogus readings into the memory card. turned the damn thing off and forgot about it. All week long my girlfriend and I had relaxed sex, then plugged the drive back in and brought the little bastard back to school. We got an "A." Technology is a wonderful thing, when you understand it. So is a Depo shot.

April Fools Day's Finest

strangerRick

BOGUS NEWS STORY

From the "Ashland daily Press, Ashland, WI USA

‘Chequnnel’ between Ashland, Washburn shaves full 7 minutes off 15-minute commute

Mayors meet in middle during grand opening

By IMA LYOR

Staff Prevaricator

WASHBURN — Drivers in the Chequamegon Bay area are now able to avoid the dangerous "T" intersection of State Highway 13 and U.S. Highway 2 between Ashland and Washburn with the grand opening of a new tunnel under Chequamegon Bay connecting the two cities.

The "Chequnnel" — the affectionate moniker for the "Chequamegon Bay Underwater Navigation Tunnel" — is the latest brainstorm from Loo Flirpa, whose past engineering feats have had many comparing him with the designers of the Titanic, the Edsel and double-knit leisure suits.

"Ya, shoore, we got somadat stimulus fund money, an' we decided to make da tunnel to nowhere under Highway 2 to Madeline Island," he said.

Unfortunately for the planned northerly terminus of the Chequnnel, when Flirpa was doing the original survey work for the route, he spent part of the money on a case of Old Snakebite brandy, and in a highly inebriated state, made a hard right at the Ashland Breakwater Lighthouse and surfaced near the Washburn coal dock, much to the astonishment of a pair of unwary walleye fishermen.

Flirpa said it was not his ineptitude that caused the unplanned detour to the Bayfield County seat, but the presence of a heretofore unsuspected lode of iron ore that skewed his Boy Scout compass as he operated a tunnel-digging machine scavenged from the shut-down White Pine Copper mine in Michigan.

One of the design features Flirpa had originally planned for the tunnel was a series of portholes for fishermen.

"Ya, instead of adding a sinker, ya just hook a bobber, and hey, boy, youse in business," he babbled.

The proposal was not adopted in the final design for obvious reasons.

The completed Chequnnel features four lanes for vehicular traffic, and in keeping with the designation of both Ashland and Washburn as eco-municpalities, there is a pedestrian and bicycle lane, with a rack of LED headlamps posted on each end for hikers or cyclists to use.

In a grand opening ceremony, Ashland Mayor Bill Whalen and Washburn Mayor Ralph Brzezinski were the first to walk through the Chequnnel, starting on their respective sides of the bay and meeting in the middle. Unfortunately, the pair had forgotten to don the headlamps, which meant they were navigating through darkness when they met.

“Ouch! You just stepped on my foot!” exclaimed Whalen when the dignitaries met, as they groped through the air to shake hands.

Both cited their pleasure with the Chequnnel, noting it shaves at least 7 minutes off the onerous 15-minute commute between the two cities.

With the opening of the Chequnnel, the Wisconsin Department of Transportation has abandoned plans for a roundabout at the junction of Highways 2 and 13, as Highway 13 has now been routed through the Chequnnel. The old Highway 13 will become a county road, and, “The T will revert to a Y — or some other letter of the alphabet,” said a WisDOT spokeswoman.

Some problems with the Chequnnel remain. According to some observers, Flirpa badly overestimated the amount of compressed air it would take to ventilate the Chequnnel. This problem became apparent when the first test car attempted to use the structure and wound up being fired out of the exit in the general direction of Seattle as if it were a giant pumpkin cannon.

"Well, every project has its little problems, eh?" said Flirpa as he uncorked yet another bottle of his noxious redeye hooch. "I mean if you got relations in Washington state, you ain't never gonna find no cheaper air fare!"

Ima Lyor cannot be reached at all...not no way, not no how. Happy April Fool’s Day to our readers.

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