* Posts by Colin Millar

1210 posts • joined 7 Jun 2007

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Yet another committee gives UK.gov a lashing for digital strategy delay

Colin Millar

Coinciding with the Industrial Strategy

That's pretty much guaranteed - they haven't got a clue what to put in that either.

The plan from this point on is going to be something like:

Write a content free vision statement

Have another consultation with key stakeholders to see if they can think of something

Discover they pissed 450m up the wall on lunch and glossy vision statement printing

Have a "refresh" of the strategy

GOTO 10

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350,000 Twitter bot sleeper cell betrayed by love of Star Wars and Windows Phone

Colin Millar
Coffee/keyboard

Good one!!

"Honesty in marketing"

I think a bit of pee actually came out

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Doctor AI: Good news, I'm better at predicting when you'll die of a heart attack. Bad news is...

Colin Millar

Man says to the computer

How long do I have?

Computersays: ten

Man: Ten what?

Computersays: Nine, eight..........

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UK.gov departments are each clinging on to 100 terabytes of legacy data

Colin Millar

Much better solution

Flush the lot.

No-one knows what is there and it will cost loadsamoney to piss around "structuring" the data which no-one will ever refer to.

I liked this bit

"Access to searchable digital legacy information can also prevent civil servants recreating previous policy ideas that do not work or inventing new solutions that are not actually new, known as reinventing the wheel, it said."

Nothing in this universe will stop civil servants ministers (FTFY) "recreating policy ideas that do not work" coz they are all convinced it would have worked last time if only everyone had just listened to them. As for re-inventing the wheel - that is the very core of the civil service (motto: "never do anything for the first time")

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BT installs phone 'spam filter', says it'll strain out mass cold-callers

Colin Millar

Re: A Typical Scam Call I Get

My son likes to see how long he can keep them on the line using just "Yurp" or "Nurp" *

* Hot Fuzz I think

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Google gives up YOUR private data to US govt – but won't hand over its OWN staff personal info

Colin Millar

Re: It was the IRS that ...

Can we get them to subcontract the UK please - HMRC is broken and getting brokener by the minute

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TV anchor says live on-air 'Alexa, order me a dollhouse' – guess what happens next

Colin Millar
FAIL

FTFY

This is not the first time an ill-conceived TV spot piece of e-shit has caused havoc

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IBM staff petition for right not to work on Trump's pet projects

Colin Millar
Flame

And the cycle of stupid continues

This is wrong on so many levels it is hard to believe that organisms with actual brain cells thought of it.

They actually mention the constitution in the petition before proposing that they get to be the arbiters of the constitution thus rendering the whole thing fairly dead, they propose that IBM should take on the role of enforcing anti-corruption laws and then make up a completely new law ("perceived" influence peddling - I suppose it's just too much bother to actually prove anything).

Its morons like these with their massive sense of entitlement and conviction that (despite all the evidence of the past couple of decades) they know whats best that have given rise to Brexit and Trump. And now they are going to have tantrums and scream until they get their toys back. I thought that Brexit and Trump were a bad omen for the future of liberal democracy but these guys are just proving Trump's claims that it was never about liberal or democratic values - just a power elite complacent in their own smugness.

I think I need to go and lie down in a dark room for a while.

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Beauty is in the AI of the beholder: Young blokes teach computer to judge women by their looks

Colin Millar

You may sneer

But this "research" project has its uses.

The manufacturers of blow-up sex dolls will surely pay for this insight.

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'I told him to cut it out' – Obama is convinced Putin's hackers swung the election for Trump

Colin Millar

DNC - Remove the mote from your own eye

Maybe if people are so horrified at the contents of DNC emails that they voted for an orange monkey to be president then the DNC might want to consider that maybe the views they hold are anathema to a lot of voters.

It's a strange complaint to make - "the us voters didn't vote for us because they found out what we really think"

The attitude of some people to email security might also be on their list of things to think really hard about in future.

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Trump's 140 characters on F-35 wipes $2bn off Lockheed Martin

Colin Millar

Re: "when The Orange One made his pronouncement"

The Bhagwan seems to have done that EFL thing of not quite getting that the phrase is actually a joke and getting a key word wrong

Said of a blunt talker

"He calls a spade a fucking shovel"

My favourite was always

"You think I know damn nothing - well you're wrong - I know damn all"

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$17k win for man falsely accused of a terrible crime: Downloading an Adam Sandler movie

Colin Millar

Re: 55 hours of legal time?

Nah - Thats just the lawyers mantra

"Someone is going to get fucked at both ends and we don't care if it's our client or the opposition"

Plaintiffs lawyers create a mountain of BS = loadsachargeablehours

Defendants lawyers read the mountain of BS = loadsachargeablehours

Everybody who is a lawyer wins wins wins$$$$

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If your smart home gear hasn't updated recently, throw it in the trash

Colin Millar
Alert

Throw i(o)t in the trash? - There's an app for that

Believe it or not - an IoT trash can

http://www.smart-qube.com/

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IoT camera crew Titathink tells Reg it'll patch GET bug in a week

Colin Millar

Grumpy old men 1 - Web experience managers 0

In the last couple of weeks we have had directory traversal, open management ports without defined address ranges and multiple credential guessing attacks. What's next - a resurgence of SQL injection? Come on people - this is basic stuff.

Dear web experience manager - Next time that employee with a liking for doughnuts and coffee, no fashion sense and a claim to 10 languages none of which he can use to communicate with human beings says "are you sure? Can you just confirm that in en email" remember - that glint in his eye is his anticipation of watching you wet your pants in panic as your latest bit of shiny web experience crashes and burns due to the sheer weight of uninformed decision making.

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Amazon tries again with AppStream because customers didn't like it

Colin Millar

Not so radical next time

"With AppStream, we set out to solve a significant customer problem, but failed to get the solution right," he said. This time it will be different"

Yeah - they will go back to the tried and tested model of creating a solution to a non-existent problem.

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Microsoft, IBM, Intel refuse to hand over family jewels to China

Colin Millar

Re: WTF LOL

Yeah - I think the original version was

"Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead"

Post Warhol that had to be slightly amended

"Two people can keep a secret if both of them are dead"

And then amended again with the advent of cradle to grave social networking

"Two people can keep a secret if neither of them knows the secret"

Of course the problem with that last one is that the two people - in common with everyone else on twitbook - just keep brainfarting until they actually reveal the secret (think monkeys and shakespeare).

I think the current revision is - "two people can keep a secret if the secret doesn't exist" - but it is currently being tested to see how it holds up against "A lie is just a truth that hasn't yet come true"

I think we are going to get eventually to "Two people can keep a secret if the secret is that neither of the two people exist"

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Microsoft refuses to join the Zero Outage brigade, Google and AWS keep mum

Colin Millar

Going all retro on us

"More complete testing"

How quaint - that was a 20th century thing wasn't it?

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BOFH: The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym

Colin Millar

Re: huh ?

I remember an old boss of mine once told me

"If someone gives you a problem to deal with nurture that problem, grow it and become an expert in the detail and minutiae - but never, ever solve that problem because, as soon as you do, someone will give you another one."

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Gov's industrial strategy: 'Look, we've changed the words above our door'

Colin Millar

I thought our industrial strategy was to bribe the japanese to keep making cars here.

Oh - and also to shout about how the weak pound makes exporting more competitive.

Oh - and selling explosive things to those parts of the world that seem to be forever blowing things up.

Unfortunately the gov appears to have missed the O level economics lesson where they would have learned that a falling pound actually kills many exporters when their unit costs go through the roof because of all that imported stuff you need to make the exported stuff (like for example all your tech and raw materials) going up in price.

Of course a lot of that stuff is priced in $US so I'm guessing that our economic and industrial strategy right now is to hope that Trumpton hits the skids - pretty slim chance given that those guys up on Capitol Hill have a keen understanding of how the green is grown and years of experience in telling the most powerful man in the world to go f**k himself.

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Hey techbros, make an airplane mode but for driving for your apps – US traffic watchdog

Colin Millar

Re: Texting while driving banned in 46 states

"I think you'll find the remaining 14 states ....."

Did the US just take over Canada? Oh well - it will save them from building the norther wall.

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UK PM Theresa May's £2bn in R&D still a drop in the ocean

Colin Millar
Mushroom

May you live in interesting times

The political horizon has never been closer - April 2017 is as far as May's calendar goes and that's looking like a fair distance itself.

Just saw on the news that Ukrainian demonstrators smashed up a Russian bank - and then we have that new country arriving in January - the Republic of Trumpton, IS part 2 "No more Mr Nice Guy" and China's first industrial recession.

"I promise to pay you 2bn by 2020" - translation - "Piss off and stop bothering me"

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Google declares victory for its Wifi router before it's even shipped

Colin Millar

A google spokesdrone says

"Just in case you inadvertently prevented us from having access to all your internet traffic - and while we were about it we slurped any home network activity, hacked any non google approved mobiles attaching to our router and turned down your thermostat."

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Facebook Fake News won it for Trump? That's a Zombie theory

Colin Millar

Facebook trying to be relevant?

None of this is new at all - political elites have been lying to their voters since voting was invented. Edward de Bernays - the darling of the liberal elites - saw the future in the 20s and it was full of people voting for the wrong man so he pretty much formalised all the ad hoc lying, put it on a sound business footing and made loadsamoney!!! He had a pretty chilling term for all this - "Engineering consent"

Well - here we are 100 years on having combined the liberal notion of engineered consent (aka "stroking") and the authoritarian big lie and we get the European Union (where in recent years some of their leading lights have dropped hints about the need to formalise respect for the state), the USA (where the liberal elites are blaming the voters for believing the wrong set of lies) and their opponents - Brexit and Trump - who simply took page 1 from the Science of Ballyhoo and told people what they wanted to hear more loudly and more confidently.

De Bernays will be turning on his spit in hell at a fair old rate of knots about now.

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'Post-truth' beats 'chatbot' to Word of the Year Crown

Colin Millar
Devil

Lunatics/asylum

Looks like Bernays wasn't quite as visionary as he thought.

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If you can chdir you can hack CA's Unified Infrastructure Manager

Colin Millar

"allows attackers to traverse the file system to access files or directories that are outside the restricted directory"

Wow - I just had the most vivid dream spanning nearly 20 years - but now I have woken up and realise it is still 1998.

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Virtual reality is actually made of smartphones

Colin Millar
Boffin

Oh do get over yourself

The development of hand tools was a major leap for humans not because it let you skin animals more easily but because of the state change it represented in abstract thinking. Smart phones, however shiny they are, are simply another derivative.

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Zuck loses $3bn in a day

Colin Millar
Thumb Up

Who says that the news is all just doom and gloom

3bn down - just another 52bn to go

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Good luck securing 'things' when users assume 'stuff just works'

Colin Millar

Re: Laziness Strike again.

Force you to change the password? - Luxury

The router my new isp sent me doesn't actually contain the functionality to change the admin password at all.

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Twitter trolls are destroying democracy, warn eggheads

Colin Millar

Re: Predicted long ago

"Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others" - Winston Churchill

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Brexit judgment could be hit for six by those crazy Supreme Court judges, says barrister

Colin Millar

Gotta love the irony

LeaveUK

"We want british judges to decide on british law"

British judges decide on british law

LeaveUK

"Sack the judges"

I think they got there by applying the "What would Robert Mugabe do?" principle

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Marmite's not the only national treasure hit by Brexit. Will someone think of the PCs?

Colin Millar

Re: Act now!

"Windsor" is a German name?

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Apple’s macOS Sierra update really puts the fan into 'fanboi'

Colin Millar
IT Angle

Getting rid of Cortana

Can be done

Find the file name and location for the process and rename it.

As the process is always running you will need to either do some quick alt-tabbing between killing the process and accepting the file rename or use a boot disk to get to a command prompt.

If this breaks anything else I have yet to notice

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A robot kitchen? Whatever. Are you stupid enough to fall for this?

Colin Millar

Re: For this amount of money you can hire a cook

Not for long you can't - and not just because the granny is on Rudd's untermensch list.

Wait until that dollar priced fuel starts reflecting the approaching parity and see if you can afford enough to get free home delivery.

Of course we'll be ok just as soon as we start exporting more cheese and milk - Andrea "two brain cells" Leadsom has verified that Liz Truss was quite correct in identifying lactic exports as the future of the new Britain.

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Apple to automatically cram macOS Sierra into Macs – 'cos that worked well for Windows 10

Colin Millar
Trollface

Shaun Nichols - you are a very naughty boy.

You have woken up the babies and it's going to take hours to get them all off to sleep again.

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Londoners react with horror to Tube Chat initiative

Colin Millar

Many years ago when I lived in ThatLondon my uncle from Edinburgh visited.

On the down escalator he turned to me with a look of complete bogglement

"It's a moving staircase - and people are walking on it!!"

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Partnership on AI to Benefit People and Society... Doesn't sound sinister at all

Colin Millar
Flame

Call me a grumpy old cynic but I just bet that Google, Facebook, Amazon, IBM and Microsoft

"solv(ing) some of the world’s most enduring problems"

doesn't mean preventing diarrhoea and malaria in the poor neighbourhoods of the world (probably the two biggest of the world's enduring problems) - they should ask Bill Gates - he knows that the way to fix these things is to buy medicine and pay real human beings to deliver them - cos that's what he went and did - with some quite impressive results.

The most enduring problem for most of this lot is how to minimise that pesky human element that gets between their greed and your wallet.

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Ladies in tech, have you considered not letting us know you're female?

Colin Millar
FAIL

"If you're going to stress your differences"

Er - being a woman, being black, being disabled - somehow it is stressing your differences by merely presenting yourself as you are? Of course if all these people would just refrain from making such weird lifestyle choices instead of being the default white male hetero we could all go and happily live in a Fritz Lang nightmare.

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Smelly toilets, smokers and the Kardashians. Virgin Media staff grill top brass

Colin Millar

Plus ca change

I see Telewest are still just as shit as ever.

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Great British Great Bake Off gets new judge

Colin Millar

Food processor with a V8 engine!!!

I'd watch that.

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Dear sysadmin: This is how you stay relevant

Colin Millar

Re: Wait what?

It's not just IT that suffers from this - any complex function that a corporation carries out becomes the focus of managers and micro-managing policy makers thinking that there must be a simple solution/universal template for said function. And if you ever make the mistake of trying to explain just some of the degree of complexity they say things like "Just give me the idiots guide to this" - the correct response in this situation is "If you're an idiot you won't understand this"

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Upstart AI dreams of 'disrupting' digital marketing – with sex

Colin Millar

Basic misunderstanding of evolution (again)

"The strongest and fittest"

Strongest - definitely not - physical strength as an overriding concern comes with many evolutionary downsides - not the least of which is a relatively high calorific intake requirement.

Fittest - not in terms of health or physical fitness - merely in terms of reproductive success. It doesn't signify fitness for anything else.

I beleive the actual Darwinian idea is expressed as "Survival of the form that will leave the most copies of itself in successive generations"

So - the web will end up full of - porn, gambling and online tat emporiums - ooh - looks like this lot are too late.

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Delete Google Maps? Go ahead, says Google, we'll still track you

Colin Millar

The options are just fine

" the options are not great: you can .... delete both Google Maps and Google Play"

Sounds like a great option to me

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Publishing military officers' names 'creates Islamic State hitlist'

Colin Millar

IS Hitlist

Our hitlist comprises

Everyone apart from you and me

On second thoughts - here - have a bullet

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Internet of Sins: Million more devices sharing known private keys for HTTPS, SSH admin

Colin Millar

FTFY

End users should change the SSH host keys and X.509 certificates to device-specific ones throw the crap in the bin and engage their brains before buying stuff in future.

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At the BBC, Agile means 'making it up as we go along'

Colin Millar

Re: E20

Public sector project traffic lights - an insiders guide

Green - This was something that already existed but we changed all the fonts - delivered only three years late and at double the budget - trebles all round!!

Yellow - It will never be delivered but no-one has yet noticed - this gravy train is still open for relatives and friends to get their bit

Red - oh fuck - we're going to need a scapegoat - where's that work experience bloke we send out for the lattes

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Europe's new privacy safeguards are finally approved, must invade EU nations by 2018

Colin Millar

Re: EU über alles

Yeah - lets do a deal with the US - where Congress is currently considering rendering all progress in data security in the 21st century illegal. I hear the PRC are lobbying hard for that one.

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Bezos defends Amazon culture in letter to shareholders

Colin Millar

Re: It's a Cultural Revolution

Nope - that was one of them - the score for the Cultural Revolution was in the 100s of thousands but nowhere near the scale of the great leap (somewhere between 20 and 50 million). Also - the Great Leap was a fuck up by Mao - the persecution and deaths of the cultural revolution was quite deliberate policy as he re-asserted his power by blaming it all on the "bourgeois" elements within the party who had questioned the wisdom of the great leap and dared to criticise Mao.

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Colin Millar

Re: It's a Cultural Revolution

The millions of dead thing - I think you will find that was the Great Leap Forward - said massive fuck-up from which the great leader needed to divert attention in a hurry. The management principle remains the same - "it wasn't me - it was all these disloyal underlings".

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Colin Millar

It's a Cultural Revolution

No - really - Chairman Mao would be proud to see that his legacy is being kept alive by the running dog capitalists - it is a tried and tested method for re-asserting the power of tyrants after they have fucked up big time.

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FBI Director defends iPhone 5C unlock tool that's obviously going to leak into wrong hands

Colin Millar

Oh the ironing

Trust us - we're the guys who bugged MLK - reason for wiretap request - cos this is one uppity n****r

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