* Posts by Jedit

1161 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

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Samsung gains ground on smartphones

Jedit
Coat

"some 90 MegaPhones in Q4, 2016."

I didn't realise the megaphone was a unit of measurement. No wonder they're so noisy on the bus.

(Mine's the one with a Note 4 in the pocket...)

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Atari shoots sueball at KitKat maker over use of 'Breakout' in ad

Jedit

Re: Nestlé's legal department....

I was torn between upvoting this for the pun and downvoting because I'd wanted to post it myself.

Personally, I think both parties are Batty.

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Strip club selfie bloke's accidental discharge gets him 6 years in clink

Jedit
Big Brother

"attempted murder charges are what it takes to deny someone the right to bear arms"

I think you'll find there were more significant factors involved, such as the gentleman in question not being white. Although that's more of an excuse than the actual law [1], to be fair.

[1] For now. Expect the tangerine twat's executive order prohibiting black people from owning Dodge Chargers at any moment.

4
23

Batteries that don't burn at the drop of a Galaxy Note 7? We're listening

Jedit

"Not me. I'm slave to the rhythm."

Speak for yourself. I'd rather be a slave to love.

6
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Watch this nanochip reprogram cells to fix damaged body tissue

Jedit
IT Angle

"I'd mention Jake The Peg, but that might take things a bit too far"

He certainly did.

(The IT angle: can you guess what IT is?)

1
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Jedit

"Two more todgers, you say? Tell me - how do your trousers fit?"

They'd probably have to be made to measure, so quite well.

Of course, getting the measurements may prove tricky. "Do you dress to the left or to the right, sir?" "Yes."

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Cardiff did Nazi that coming: Hackers slap Trump, swastikas, Sharia law on e-sign

Jedit
Big Brother

"a volatile relationship with dried frog pills"

So long as they are responsibly sourced dried frog pills, I don't mind. And by "responsibly sourced" I mean "made out of Pepe".

BTW, I think my post icon has been hacked.

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Expect the Note 8 to break the bank (and your wallet)

Jedit

I'm down. Samsung designs have been on fire lately.

2
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Juicy fine for Bradford firm after it blurts one million spam texts

Jedit

"Or am I comparing apples to oranges?"

Indeed. Or possibly to raspberries.

0
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All your bass are belong to us: Soundcloud fans raid site for music amid fears of total collapse

Jedit

Re: "Fully funded into the fourth quarter"

"Fully funded into the fourth quarter" doesn't automatically mean "fully funded through the fourth quarter", though. They could have enough cash to keep the lights on until October 1st and no more, and still make their claim.

That said, it's still more than fifty days until the end of Q3 2017.

0
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When 'Saving The Internet' means 'Saving Crony Capitalism'

Jedit
Joke

Re: Smash the monopolies

If we're going to play Smash The Monopoly, I want to be the boot.

And no arguments about how in your family it's the top hat, please.

2
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Male escort says he gave up IT to do something more meaningful

Jedit
Devil

"If I did it, I'd get to make a big difference to people's lives!"

Stuff asking "why aren't there more women in tech", the real question we should be asking is why there are so many male engineers when they all seem to think

<------>

is eight inches.

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Jedit

Re: What sort of clientele?

I would upvote this OP, but it's at +69 right now and I won't be the one to spoil it.

4
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Fresh cotton underpants fix series of mysterious mainframe crashes

Jedit
Angel

"Surely a moment calling for supreme delicacy and tact?"

Perhaps not supreme delicacy. That was presumably required shortly after, as the writer implies that enquiries were also made into the nature of the lady's underwear.

17
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Cheeky IT rival parks 'we're hiring' van outside 'vote Tory' firm Storm Technologies

Jedit
Trollface

"VOTE CONSERVATIVE if you believe in free enterprise and progression"

"If you desire a LINUX USER for a neighbour, vote Labour.

If you are already burdened with one, vote Conservative."

16
37

Gay Dutch vultures become dads

Jedit
WTF?

"the gay Teutonic vultures, Guido and Detlef"

Hopefully some German-speaking Reg reader will correct me if I'm wrong, but I was given to understand that "detlef" was the German equivalent word to "faggot". Not very PC, that.

0
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Seminal game 'Colossal Cave Adventure' released onto GitLab

Jedit
Trollface

"You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike."

It is dank. You may get memed by a grue.

10
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Bloke charged under UK terror law for refusing to cough up passwords

Jedit

"if they didn't pick up arms and charge over the top"

I think you have the wrong war. Unless you're north of 50 it's more likely that your grandfather fought in World War II, not World War I.

29
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Fake ruse: USA Today calls the FBI after half of its 15m Facebook Likes turn out to be bogus

Jedit
Trollface

"fb claim almost 2 billion accounts but always forget to mention..."

YOU CAN'T MAKE

500 MILLION FRIENDS

WITHOUT MAKING

A FEW BOTNETS

2
1

Fire fighters get grinding on London man’s trapped genitalia

Jedit
Devil

"... then apply a blow torch to the metal ring."

That's not what they meant by "give him a blow job"!

1
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Master of Dredd: Judge inker John Higgins speaks to The Reg

Jedit

Re: Democracy

You misspelled "America" there, but I'll forgive you as the two words have little connection these days.

Totally unrelated to Higgins or Dredd, but Summer Magic just got a full reprint this week. John Ridgway's art in top form (and Ridgway illustrated The Dead Man - ha, there's your Dredd connection).

This forum needs a Dredd icon.

4
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Jedit
IT Angle

Meltdown Man

Sorry to be a pedant on what is otherwise a good post, but Meltdown Man was illustrated by Massimo Belardinelli. Sadly taken from us too young, like Joe Colquhoun and now Steve Dillon.

6
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Male escort forgot pregnancy protection, scores data protection instead

Jedit

"R-Type? Something related to the Super Nintendo game?"

She has lost her battle against the Buydildo Empire.

0
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BOFH: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back

Jedit

"It needs a NSFW tag on it to avoid coffee splattered monitors and keyboards"

If your coffee drinking is NSFW, you're using the wrong orifice.

1
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Come celebrate World Hypocrisy Day

Jedit
FAIL

"shocked to see it for sale on AliExpress"

He was probably the only one who was shocked. Whenever a "lifestyle accessory" project like this hits a crowdfunding platform, nine times out of ten it's cheap tat that was already on sale on Alibaba being resold at a 300% markup.

5
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Drupal sci-fi sex scandal deepens: Now devs spank Dries over Gor bloke's banishment

Jedit
Devil

Re: Sin and sex

Speak for yourself, you God-benighted sinner.

0
0

Super Cali goes ballistic, Uber drivers are stocious (allegedly!)

Jedit
Headmaster

"Yay, the regular Super Cali headline"

Nobody's ever beaten the original newspaper headline recorded after Inverness Caledonian Thistle (AKA Caley Thistle) beat Celtic: "Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious".

Also this one doesn't match the song; it needs to drop a syllable in the second half. "Uber drivers stocious" works, as does "Uber hacks are stocious".

Now if you'll excuse me, the wind just changed and I need to go back to work.

2
0

Prisoners built two PCs from parts, hid them in ceiling, connected to the state's network and did cybershenanigans

Jedit
FAIL

Nobody ever asks the important questions

OK, we know how the inmates got the parts. We know how they got them into the ceiling. We even know how they got the PCs rigged up to a display. But nobody - NOBODY - has asked the most important question of all:

Can it run Crysis?

7
1

Eric S. Raymond says you probably fit one of eight tech archetypes

Jedit

"There are two more archetypes"

I suspect most of us believe there are only two archetypes, total: "complete and utter twunts", and "me".

Everybody holds this opinion simultaneously, and everybody is right.

8
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Boaty McBoatface sinks in South Atlantic on her maiden deployment

Jedit
Joke

"They managed to get a cheap lot of surplus phone batteries from a source in Korea."

And just as the Note 7 was recalled, the North Korean nuclear programme took a lurch forward. I wonder what happened to all those defective batteries.

1
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It's not just Elon building bridges to the brain: The Internet of Things is coming to a head

Jedit
Paris Hilton

""My objective ... is to read and write the underlying functions of the human brain"

Reading brain functions doesn't bother me, but writing? Not to go all tinfoil hat here, but there's not an open system that can't be broken into with sufficient time, effort and incentive. And when you apply that to the human brain, you literally get mind control. That's a pretty big incentive.

(Paris, because at least she'd be safe.)

9
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BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'

Jedit

"James is now rolled in carpet under a layer of quicklime."

I read that as "a layer of QuickTime", a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone.

4
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US Senate votes to let broadband ISPs sell your browser histories

Jedit

"you voted in Donald Trump, now you are having to pay the price"

No. Only Trump voters voted in Donald Trump, but everyone is paying the price.

8
1

Smart sex toys firm coughs up $3.75m in privacy lawsuit

Jedit
Coat

@Dr Who

Ah, just the man to answer the question of the hour: does a dildo you connect to your PC require a sonic screw driver?

(Mine's the one with jelly babies in the pocket ... both my coat and my Doctor.)

1
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Jedit

Re: Penal-ties

It's a ridiculous penalty. If this thing can slurp, the users should be paying extra.

5
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Blast from the past: Mass birth of early supermassive black holes explained at last

Jedit
Joke

"Only 800,000 years? Seems like a blink!"

Yes, it's amazing that Muse could produce a semi-decent album in that time, isn't it?

7
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User lubed PC with butter, because pressing a button didn't work

Jedit
Big Brother

"... the number of incidents dropped dramatically."

Reported incidents, or resolved incidents? It doesn't make a difference from the point of view of that IT department being chancers, but there's quite a difference between slacking off because your performance bonus got cut and actively faking incidents for profit.

27
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Swedish politician wants weekly hour of paid sex. For exercise

Jedit
Paris Hilton

This would never work at my place of employ.

The entire premises are non-smoking.

(Paris, because an hour of sex is all the work she's done in her life.)

2
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How to nuke websites you don't like: Slam Google with millions of bogus DMCA takedowns

Jedit

There may be an easier way...

Just install El Reg's sidebar ad handler. The story page hung for over a minute due to a "long-running script", and while typing this the text box pauses before updating and sometimes ignores keystrokes while a new ad is loading.

(Yes, it's IE, but don't blame me - I'm on my break at work.)

1
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Oh UK. You won't switch mobile providers. And now look at you! £5.8bn you've lost

Jedit
FAIL

"The Three Customer person simply wouldn't take no for an answer"

And that customer person was Albert Einstein.

1
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Is your child a hacker? Liverpudlian parents get warning signs checklist

Jedit
FAIL

"Computer games don't affect kids..."

It's considered polite to attribute your quotes. That one is from Marcus Brigstocke, if memory serves.

4
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Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

Jedit
Mushroom

"...if it detects that the music you're listening to wasn't bought through ITunes."

No, that's what the Remotely Controlled Detonation feature is for.

And Samsung can't claim prior art on this one; when their phones detonate it isn't remotely controlled.

1
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Apple nabs smartphone top spot from Samsung, but for how long?

Jedit
Flame

Were the numbers cooked?

As a serious question: isn't the change more likely to be explained by the Global Thermonuclear Note incident [1], rather than a sudden surge in Apple? Both Samsung and Apple appear to have reached peak popularity, but Samsung lost both sales and trust when they had to withdraw a model for safety reasons.

[1] Spontaneous Huawei Combustion would be a better joke, but unfortunately Huawei can stop their phones randomly igniting.

2
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You want WHO?! Reg readers vote Tom Baker for Doctor 13. Of course

Jedit
Holmes

"Baker – the actor, not the Who – garnished the 50th anniversary episode"

I must don my pedant hat here: at the end of Day of the Doctor, Baker's museum curator suggests that the Doctor may want to "revisit a few old familiar faces". It's an obvious hint that the curator is in fact a future incarnation of the Doctor.

Which means Baker would have been cast as the Doctor three times, not two. How lucky would that be, measured in standard Reg gigashamrocks?

4
0

The best of Reg readers' David Hockney-style logo redesigns

Jedit
Devil

Re: I don't think it's an egg...

Looks more like a pustule to me. Time for a new strapline as well, perhaps? "The Register: The Boil On The Arse Of IT" has a certain ring to it. (Pun definitely not intended.)

18
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BOFH: Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me

Jedit

"I rarely get cold calls"

I wish I were you. But I only get cold calls from the Indian scammers, so I start from the BOFH's end point and get progressively nastier. Always calmly and with a smile, though.

13
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Twin brothers. One went into space. The other didn't. NASA reveals how their bodies differ

Jedit
Pint

"I'd better get back from the pub then."

Don't worry. Even when administered in sufficient quantities, IPA only simulates the effects of Alzheimers.

(A pint of 3-indolepropionic acid, sir? Don't mind if I do.)

7
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It's official: Ejit – sorry – Ajit Pai is new FCC boss (he's the one who hates network neutrality)

Jedit

"It's only 4 years, what damage could they do in 4 years?"

Look at how much damage they've done in four days. Multiply by 365, and there's your baseline.

3
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Lord of the Dance set to deliver high kicks at Trump’s big ball

Jedit

"it had seemed likely to be too far in the past"

Ed McLachlan has been cartooning for well over 40 years, so it could be both.

I wouldn't say his style was that similar to the late Martin Honeysett, either. Their backgrounds are quite similar, but their figures are very different.

0
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Jeremy Hunt pockets £14m through sale of course search website

Jedit

"Jeremy "Spoonerism" Hunt"

Pedant point: a spoonerism is when you switch corresponding letters or syllables of two words, as in the old joke where the Merry Men start calling each other "Hobin Rood" and "Skill Warlet" until Friar Tuck says they're being stupid.

Hunt's more accurate renaming is not a spoonerism. It's just another attempt on the speed record for entering Cockney rhyming slang, a title previously held - to his credit, quite proudly - by James Blunt.

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