* Posts by Jedit

1247 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

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Stairway to edam: Swiss bloke blasts roquefort his cheese, thinks Led Zep might make it tastier

Jedit

"I know where I will be on 14 March"

Why 14th March? As Ministry fans know, every day is Halloumi.

Music will be provided by Paneer at the Disco, Havarti of Noise and New Orda.

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Which scientist should be on the new £50 note? El Reg weighs in – and you should vote, too

Jedit
Pint

Littlewood's Law

Thanks Nick, that's exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. Although Littlewood was of course mistaken; we all know Pratchett's Law states that million to one chances crop up nine times out of ten.

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Jedit
Black Helicopters

Lise Meitner

Funny that this name should come up in conversation just now; last week I was in Germany, and my hotel was on Lise-Meitner Strasse. Is the person who discovered the frequency of coincidences dead? Because if so, they'd be my candidate to go on the note.

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£220k fines for dodgy dialling duo who didn't do due dil on data

Jedit

Re: Mass Dialers

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's what he means by "mass diallers". Mass diallers don't reach everyone, they call X numbers at once and connect to the first one that picks up. So effectively, all they do is let you talk to a random person from a selection. There is thus no purpose for them whatsoever other than cold calling.

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Silent running: Computer sounds are so '90s

Jedit
FAIL

Dabbsy hasn't heard of Little Big?

A truly epic fail; they've been around for longer than Gangnam Style and they're totally crazy instead of just a stupid meme. Go listen to With Russia From Love and Every Day I'm Drinking at once.

Getting back to the article: I wish I didn't hear ringtones all the time at work, but I do. And the universal rule applies - the louder and more obnoxious your ringtone, the more often you will be called. Why yes, I did want to hear "RUBY RUBY RUBY RUBY" blaring out 20 times in an hour while I'm trying to concentrate, why do you ask? You are quite difficult to understand when I am throttling you, you know.

(Before you ask, my own ringtone is the intro to Ministry's "New World Order". It is a most excellent track, as evidenced by the fact that nobody ever calls me.)

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UK.gov to press ahead with online smut checks (but expects £10m in legals in year 1)

Jedit
FAIL

Re: "those PVC sheets every single sex shop sells "

I don't know, I don't speak German very well - they translated it for me!

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Jedit
Coat

"those PVC sheets every single sex shop sells "

You've been into every single sex shop? Wow, that's dedication.

Which reminds me of a joke I heard from a German friend, translated badly here for your pleasure. A Bavarian woman goes into a sex shop and starts openly admiring a 12-inch mains-powered vibrator. The proprietor comes over and says, "Impressive, isn't it?" "Yes", the woman replies, "it is a triumph of engineering!"

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Don't get THAT personal, says personalised cards firm Moonpig. Dick pics. They mean dick pics

Jedit
Gimp

"I can resize it using gimp."

When did this become about your sex life?

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Jedit
Trollface

"Large 'photo-paper' will do.."

I don't know that he needs LARGE photo-paper. I suspect passport sized would suffice.

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UKIP flogs latex love gloves: Because Brexit means Brexit

Jedit
Trollface

Instructions for use

1) Open packet carefully to avoid damage to the condom.

2) Hold the condom by the nipple and gently roll it over the head of the penis.

3) Do not remove until he stops breathing.

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Renegade 3D-printing gunsmith Cody Wilson on the run in Taipei from child sex allegations

Jedit
Headmaster

Cody Wilson

Your article forgot to mention that Cody Wilson is the founder of Hatreon, the Patreon knock-off for people who were kicked off that platform for promoting hate speech.

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Holy macaroni! After months of number-crunching, behold the strongest material in the universe: Nuclear pasta

Jedit
Joke

Re: What about degenerate matter quark stars?

If we're calling this stuff in neutron stars "nuclear pasta", I insist we name anything similar found in degenerate matter quark stars "pizza with pineapple". It's roughly the same origin, but it's degenerate.

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National Museum of Computing to hold live Enigma code-breaking demo with a Bombe

Jedit
Thumb Down

"Perhaps I'm being cynical"

Yes, you are. And also massively disrespectful.

On a related note: does anyone have any evidence for or against the old claim that a skilled abacus operator can produce results faster than someone using a handheld calculator?

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How an augmented reality tourist guide tried to break my balls

Jedit
Trollface

"Definitely recognising the train bits."

I'd be worried if you were recognising Dabbsy's bits.

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Do not adjust your set, er, browser: This is our new page-one design

Jedit
Angel

"some of us consider 10's and 20's to be loose change. GBP that is."

For the last sodding time - WE HAVEN'T LEFT THE EU YET!

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NASA 'sextortionist' allegedly tricked women into revealing their password reset answers, stole their nude selfies

This post has been deleted by a moderator

Archive.org's Wayback Machine is legit legal evidence, US appeals court judges rule

Jedit
Coat

" if you want to see what The Register looked like in 1998"

More organised, and with no intrusive adverts? Me like!

(Yeah, yeah, mine's the one with 1984 in the pocket. The year, not the book.)

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New Horizons eyeballs Kuiper Belt object Ultima Thule, its next flyby goal

Jedit
Trollface

Re: 'Since' - or 'ever'?

Journalists in this modern fast-paced world have a choice: make the redundancy, or be the redundancy.

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Jedit
Headmaster

"I think it's the latter, but it can't be both."

It literally has to be both (or neither). Any time a new record is set it is by definition the best performance since the previous record.

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Home Office seeks Brexit tech boss – but doesn't splash the cash

Jedit
FAIL

"Is there actually one thing that is up and running for the departure?"

Departing is definitely happening on schedule. The fact that we are insisting on disembarking from the plane on time even though takeoff was delayed for an hour and we are still in flight does not appear to be bothering anyone in Westminster.

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Drama as boffins claim to reach the Holy Grail of superconductivity

Jedit
Boffin

"quantum computing will never work because..."

"... you can't turn it off and on again as it's not on or off."

You're not performing the procedure correctly. You need to turn it off and on again *at the same time*.

Of course, that's for quantum software problems. If it's a hardware problem you can resolve it by opening the box and taking a look inside.

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No, seriously, why are you holding your phone like that?

Jedit
Coat

"The advantage of flip/slide mobiles"

Well, we wouldn't want any sensitive bits that increase their length when used to be unprotected, now, would we?

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Astroboffins spy the brightest quasar that lit the universe's dark ages

Jedit
Headmaster

"Either someone's being mis-quoted, source data is wrong..."

... or somebody is rounding to the nearest billion.

We don't have precise data on the age of the universe, either. It could be a bit older than we think, simply because the first stars might be so far away that due to the speed of light we cannot observe them yet.

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Sysadmin cracked military PC’s security by reading the manual

Jedit
Joke

"I read the manual"

To be fair, putting the instructions on how to bypass your security in the manual is about the safest thing you can do. Nobody tech-savvy would ever think to look there, and nobody else ever reads the manual.

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Bankrupt Aussie Hells Angel scoops £750k lottery jackpot

Jedit

"I guess you didn't mean Faecal Occult Blood Test"

Not much difference between one of those and a fixed odds betting terminal. They're both full of shit and involve bleeding the unfortunate.

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Dear Samsung mobe owners: It may leak your private pics to randoms

Jedit
Devil

Re: Gullible wanted

An Eiffel Tower? It's amazing what you can buy with the proceeds from selling slurped data.

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Science fiction legend Harlan Ellison ends his short time on Earth

Jedit

Minor pedant

It's "And I Must Scream", not "But".

Also, no mention of Babylon 5? For shame. In addition to writing an episode, Comes The Inquisitor is directly based on an Ellison story ("The Prowler in the City at the Edge of the World") and Ellison even appeared in the show twice.

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Atari accuses El Reg of professional trolling and making stuff up. Welp, here's the interview tape for you to decide...

Jedit

"It feels like a Star Citizen story."

You might say that something pongs about Atari's new console project. And I'm greatly disappointed that the Reg headline maker didn't.

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Microsoft says Windows 10 April update is fit for business rollout

Jedit
Trollface

reduction “in operating system and driver stability issues^W.”

So what you're saying is that Microsoft have removed all the issues?

I haven't even seen the reporting tool with the new update. I'm ready to accept that this may be because the new update broke it.

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This HTC U12+ review page is left intentionally blank

Jedit
Coat

"So after reviewing other reviews"

A post so good I read it twice. I just couldn't resist reviewing it.

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Facebook tells users to report crappy customer service from advertisers

Jedit
Mushroom

So, we'll be clicking all ads then

Because all Facebook ads are spam, except the ones that are scams. And as with spam, if I see an ad for your company on Facebook then you have LOST my potential future business because good businesses don't need to spam.

Incidentally, if you try reporting one of Facebook's own pages to them you get a "Whoops, something went wrong!" message.

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Schadenfreude for UK mobile networks over the tumult at Carphone

Jedit
Stop

"the victim of identity theft perpetrated by Carphone Warehouse"

Carphone Whorehouse did not try to steal your identity. Maybe, just maybe, one member of staff did. More likely, it's that someone else tried to steal your details and use them to buy a phone from CPW - unlocked phones can be fenced for good value at high speed, and CPW are the best high street vendor. That happened to me about 11 years ago, and while I've never shopped at CPW for more than a case, I've never blamed them either.

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Amazon scam trio primed for prison stretch after million-dollar fraud

Jedit
WTF?

"Amazon are evil, but they're convenient evil."

Your refund and replace is being funded out of the pockets of their line workers. I for one would prefer them to be somewhat less convenient and a lot less evil.

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Samsung escapes obligation to keep old phones patched

Jedit

"Since the EU has rules against built in obsolescence"

Failure to support with software isn't built in, though? It's the manufacturer's choice when and if to stop supporting its devices. But you won't find me arguing that they should have to provide support for reasonable life of the device - two years should be the bare minimum because that's the typical contract length, and preferably it should be four or five years.

Non-removable batteries, on the other hand...

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Smut site offers VPN so you don't bare all online

Jedit
Trollface

Save yourself embarrassment!

"Please tell the court what site were you browsing for this adult material on."

"PORNHUB, your honour!"

"And where did you first hear about this ... porn hub?"

"thereg"

"Pardon?"

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BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

Jedit
Pint

"always carry a carrot for self-defence"

Sounds to me like someone has never seen Shoot Em Up.

(Beer, because it's about the only thing someone isn't killed with in that movie.)

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10 social networks ignored UK government consultations

Jedit
Flame

"what would happen if we asked an AI about whether our politicians are fit for purpose?"

What smoke coming out of the back? It's just a coincidence that the AI looks just like a crematorium oven. Now if the honourable member for Ham-on-Rye can just lie down, please, we need to put you inside so the machine can scan you.

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Off with e's head: E-cig explosion causes first vaping death

Jedit
Holmes

"injuries from electronic cigarettes are surprisingly common"

I hadn't heard of anyone being even injured by sucking R2-D2's cock before, let alone actually killed. So "surprisingly" is at least the right adjective. I'm not sure what word you could use in place of "common" without it sounding like you mean it happens a lot, though. "Frequent" and "often" both have that implication when combined with a hyperbolic.

(Sherlock, because there is detection to be done and this is a two-cartridge problem.)

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Cambridge Analytica dismantled for good? Nope: It just changed its name to Emerdata

Jedit
Thumb Up

"Is it just me who keeps reading it as "Emmerdale"? "

Well, they are farmers.

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Windrush immigration papers scandal is a big fat GDPR fail for UK.gov

Jedit

"they failed to keep accurate data that was relevant to these people's cases"

When the data was thrown out, it wasn't relevant; these people had undisputed indefinite right to remain. It only became relevant when May decided it was now relevant - after knowingly overseeing its destruction.

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Jedit

You're missing the point. These people didn't need a visa, because they were already citizens. It wasn't until much later that it was agreed the Empire was over and Commonwealth citizens would not automatically qualify for British nationality. What the Tories are trying to do is retroactively apply that to the people who spent their working lives contributing to Britain, so that we won't have to repay them with care in their retirement. It's a simple attempt to keep the pension system ticking over for their core voter base.

The killer irony is that to a man Britain's racist filth, who voted Brexit to get back to the glory days of Empire and "kick out the darkies", fail to understand that the Empire is the sole reason said "darkies" came here in the first place.

(NB: "racist filth" and "Brexit voter" is not a reversible equation here. All racists voted to leave the EU; not all people who voted to leave the EU are racist.)

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That's no moon... er, that's an asteroid. And it'll be your next and final home, spacefarer

Jedit
Thumb Down

"MELiSSA"

I think the scientific community needs to formalise strict legislation preventing the use of backronyms.

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Whoops! Google forgot to delete Right To Be Forgotten search result

Jedit
Trollface

"tell them you were on tour doing backing-vocals for Justin Bieber..."

If you were on tour with Bieber doing backing vocals, why would you not lie and say you were in Dartmoor?

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'Dear Mr F*ckingjoking': UK PM Theresa May's mass marketing missive misses mark

Jedit
Trollface

"I address mine to the paper recycling bin at the local tip."

Nice one.

Back in the days when Freepost reply coupons still existed, when I felt the urge to waste some annoying company's money I'd typically fill out the details as Mr A Hitler, 1 Bunkerstrasse, Berlin on the basis that 1) sending mail to other countries is more expensive and 2) if it somehow actually got through, nobody deserved the deluge of junk mail more than Hitler. Plus, it added the enjoyment of wondering exactly what he would do with a conservatory in an underground shelter.

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Jedit
Mushroom

"your tax dollars paid for something"

Being British, our tax DOLLARS didn't pay for anything. However much Theresa May wants to help Trump find his dick, we're not the 51st state yet.

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2001: A Space Odyssey has haunted pop culture with anxiety about rogue AIs for half a century

Jedit

"HAL ... was under the control of the monolith or in contact with it"

Not until 2010, when Discovery was destroyed by the conversion of Jupiter. Before that his behaviour was explained by the conflicting orders, as previously described: his original instruction to assist the Discovery's crew in exploring the orbit of Jupiter, and the post-Monolith instruction to prevent anyone learning what they found there.

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Jedit
Headmaster

"the monolith is a representation of a wideframe cinema screen rotated 90°."

*dons pedant hat and also running shoes for quick getaway*

Nope, sorry. The dimensions of the Monolith are explicitly given as being in the ratio 1:4:9 - the first three square numbers. The ratio of a cinema screen is 2.35:1, not the necessary 2.25:1.

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Facebook exec extracts foot from mouth: We didn't really mean growth matters more than human life

Jedit
Big Brother

"That would pretty much finish off anything more advanced than pond scum"

What's the point if it still wouldn't get rid of Facebook executives?

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Magic Leap bounds into SF's Games Developer Conference and... disappears

Jedit
Boffin

"They have mastered the "augmented" part, now they will tackle the "reality" part..."

Please, I think it's fairly obvious that Magic Leap have succeeded completely. Augmented Reality is about making people see things that aren't really there, and it certainly seems to be the case that their partners are seeing things that don't exist. Like their product.

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Android P will hear no evil, see no evil, support evil notches

Jedit

Re: Polo Mint

The chief selling point of Android P is that it closes holes, not opens them.

I think it'll just be Peanut Butter, no cups.

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