* Posts by Jedit

1124 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

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Swedish politician wants weekly hour of paid sex. For exercise

Jedit
Paris Hilton

This would never work at my place of employ.

The entire premises are non-smoking.

(Paris, because an hour of sex is all the work she's done in her life.)

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How to nuke websites you don't like: Slam Google with millions of bogus DMCA takedowns

Jedit

There may be an easier way...

Just install El Reg's sidebar ad handler. The story page hung for over a minute due to a "long-running script", and while typing this the text box pauses before updating and sometimes ignores keystrokes while a new ad is loading.

(Yes, it's IE, but don't blame me - I'm on my break at work.)

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Oh UK. You won't switch mobile providers. And now look at you! £5.8bn you've lost

Jedit
FAIL

"The Three Customer person simply wouldn't take no for an answer"

And that customer person was Albert Einstein.

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Is your child a hacker? Liverpudlian parents get warning signs checklist

Jedit
FAIL

"Computer games don't affect kids..."

It's considered polite to attribute your quotes. That one is from Marcus Brigstocke, if memory serves.

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Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

Jedit
Mushroom

"...if it detects that the music you're listening to wasn't bought through ITunes."

No, that's what the Remotely Controlled Detonation feature is for.

And Samsung can't claim prior art on this one; when their phones detonate it isn't remotely controlled.

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Apple nabs smartphone top spot from Samsung, but for how long?

Jedit
Flame

Were the numbers cooked?

As a serious question: isn't the change more likely to be explained by the Global Thermonuclear Note incident [1], rather than a sudden surge in Apple? Both Samsung and Apple appear to have reached peak popularity, but Samsung lost both sales and trust when they had to withdraw a model for safety reasons.

[1] Spontaneous Huawei Combustion would be a better joke, but unfortunately Huawei can stop their phones randomly igniting.

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You want WHO?! Reg readers vote Tom Baker for Doctor 13. Of course

Jedit
Holmes

"Baker – the actor, not the Who – garnished the 50th anniversary episode"

I must don my pedant hat here: at the end of Day of the Doctor, Baker's museum curator suggests that the Doctor may want to "revisit a few old familiar faces". It's an obvious hint that the curator is in fact a future incarnation of the Doctor.

Which means Baker would have been cast as the Doctor three times, not two. How lucky would that be, measured in standard Reg gigashamrocks?

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The best of Reg readers' David Hockney-style logo redesigns

Jedit
Devil

Re: I don't think it's an egg...

Looks more like a pustule to me. Time for a new strapline as well, perhaps? "The Register: The Boil On The Arse Of IT" has a certain ring to it. (Pun definitely not intended.)

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BOFH: Password HELL. For you, mate, not for me

Jedit

"I rarely get cold calls"

I wish I were you. But I only get cold calls from the Indian scammers, so I start from the BOFH's end point and get progressively nastier. Always calmly and with a smile, though.

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Twin brothers. One went into space. The other didn't. NASA reveals how their bodies differ

Jedit
Pint

"I'd better get back from the pub then."

Don't worry. Even when administered in sufficient quantities, IPA only simulates the effects of Alzheimers.

(A pint of 3-indolepropionic acid, sir? Don't mind if I do.)

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It's official: Ejit – sorry – Ajit Pai is new FCC boss (he's the one who hates network neutrality)

Jedit

"It's only 4 years, what damage could they do in 4 years?"

Look at how much damage they've done in four days. Multiply by 365, and there's your baseline.

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Lord of the Dance set to deliver high kicks at Trump’s big ball

Jedit

"it had seemed likely to be too far in the past"

Ed McLachlan has been cartooning for well over 40 years, so it could be both.

I wouldn't say his style was that similar to the late Martin Honeysett, either. Their backgrounds are quite similar, but their figures are very different.

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Jeremy Hunt pockets £14m through sale of course search website

Jedit

"Jeremy "Spoonerism" Hunt"

Pedant point: a spoonerism is when you switch corresponding letters or syllables of two words, as in the old joke where the Merry Men start calling each other "Hobin Rood" and "Skill Warlet" until Friar Tuck says they're being stupid.

Hunt's more accurate renaming is not a spoonerism. It's just another attempt on the speed record for entering Cockney rhyming slang, a title previously held - to his credit, quite proudly - by James Blunt.

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RIP Eugene Cernan: Last man on the Moon dies aged 82

Jedit
Thumb Up

Re: The heroes of my youth

Thanks Oengus, I was going to ask how many of the lunar astronauts were left.

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Samsung fans flames of burning Galaxy Note 7 mystery

Jedit

"Why should he care, it's peanuts compared to what he'll make"

Because perception is everything. If he'd presented a case that the short term losses would be recouped by the expansion, nobody would be saying a thing. But he didn't plan for it, and was in fact quite surprised by the news that his brand spanking new corporate HQ would have to be demolished. As a result he's now known for okaying a major decision without investigating the possible consequences. This time it may work out in BA's favour, but what about next time?

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Terry Pratchett's self-written documentary to be broadcast in 2017

Jedit
IT Angle

"How is it a documentary, when it has someone playing the role?"

Because Kaye won't be playing the part of the OFIAH, he will be speaking the words of someone who no longer can. It's no less documentarian than the programmes on World War I where diaries of dead soldiers are read out.

(The IT angle: Pterry famously used a six-monitor display rig, and said the only reason he didn't use more was because he couldn't figure out a way to hook them up.)

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Now that's a Blue Screen of Death: Windows 10 told me to jump off a cliff

Jedit
Joke

"Microsoft smuggles suicide encouragement manual into operating system"

"Smuggle"? Software companies should be required to supply user guides with their products.

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You know how cop cars pile into each other in old comedy movies? That's how the Moon was built, say boffins

Jedit
Headmaster

"And what happened to the Bluesmobile?"

It fell to pieces in front of the Cook County Assessor's office, in the process causing the mass extinction of the dinosaurs.

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Prison librarian swaps books for bars after dark-web gun buy caper

Jedit
Facepalm

El Reg miss a trick again

Why was the headline not "Osborne jailed for possession of cocaine after trying to buy gun"? Our former chancellor's fondness for Bolivian bingo dust being well known, it seems like the perfect opportunity.

Come on, guys, the clickbait standard has slipping terribly round here of late.

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Sexbots could ‘over-exert’ their human lovers, academic warns

Jedit
Pirate

"you're probably not going to be that bothered about human sex"

And indeed, not at great risk of getting human sex. Which is the most likely reason for buying a sexbot in the first place.

(I say "buying", because I don't want to countenance the idea of renting one.)

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It's round and wobbles, but madam, it's a mouse pad, not a floppy disk

Jedit

"... we saved electricity if empty sockets were switched off "

Something of a useful lie, that. Switching sockets off when not in use is a good idea just in case something gets into the earthing. It's a rare problem, but it doesn't hurt anyone to do it.

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Murdoch's 21st Century Fox agrees £18.5bn Sky takeover deal

Jedit

"Why now?"

39% isn't controlling interest. Even the most fanatic Scousers aren't going to refuse to patronise every single business that NewsCorp and the Sun have a finger in but they are going to refuse to patronise ones that Murdoch owns directly.

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Jedit

"I thought capitalist types were all about choice and competition?"

Capitalists don't mind competition and choice so long as you choose them. And if they're the only choice, well, they must be the best choice.

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The UK's Investigatory Powers Act allows the State to tell lies in court

Jedit

"V for Vendetta was actually a documentary"

That would not explain its air of foolish optimism.

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Woman rescues red pepper Donald Trump from vegetarian chilli

Jedit
Trollface

Headline correction please

I mean, it wasn't rescued, was it? It still got eaten.

"Trump lookalike cut to bits and devoured by Mexican lovers"

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Firefox hits version 50

Jedit
WTF?

"Why the high usage of Google's Chrome?"

A better question: how are these stats being compiled? I literally don't know anyone who uses Chrome, at work or at home. I'm not even sure of the last time I saw a computer running it. Could it be that the numbers are coming from collated page browser checks, and Chrome is rating highly simply because it talks to everyone who asks while other browsers obfuscate?

(Serious question, by the way, this isn't just a Chrome bashing session.)

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Mark Zuckerberg is dead – Facebook confirmed

Jedit

Will you please just stop, 2016?

Leonard Cohen dead, Robert Vaughn dead, Mark Zuckerberg alive - when will the madness end?

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Swiss, geez: Robo-hooker coffee shop to be erected in Geneva

Jedit
Angel

"I'm sure I'm not the only commentard here..."

I know I wouldn't patronise an establishment like this. I hate coffee.

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World's shortest international flight: now just 21km in 7 minutes

Jedit

"Driving 66.1km seems like a doddle."

Unless you don't drive. I suspect the main appeal of this flight is to non-drivers, because it's cheaper than a taxi.

Also baggage collection probably isn't an issue for this flight. Most people taking it are probably going to business meetings and so will only have carry-on.

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Skin tattoo will tell your phone when you've had a skinful

Jedit
Pint

"otherwise your premium doubles"

If you've had a round of premium doubles, you're definitely not fit to drive.

Beer, because WHY ISN'T EVERY POST IN THIS THREAD TAGGED WITH BEER?

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Disney aims for Netflix. If the deal was made, it would shoot itself in the foot

Jedit
Big Brother

Punisher Kills The Disney Universe

One point not mentioned is that a Disney takeover of Netflix would put the Marvel Defenders shows under the same roof as the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Only Agents of SHIELD would be on a channel they don't own, I think?

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'Please label things so I can tell the difference between a mouse and a microphone'

Jedit
Go

"a local backup of the web"

"Your attempt to download allthepornontheinternet.zip has failed at 99% due to insufficient disk space. Free up additional space and retry."

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True man-in-the-middle: Transmitting logins through the human body

Jedit
IT Angle

"Does this mean I could finally use my dictaphone?"

Only to download porn. 25 (naughty) bits per second may be pushing the limits of the technology, though.

(The IT angle? Well, that depends on how good the porn is.)

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Swansong for Rosetta as it lands on the duck-shaped comet

Jedit
Joke

"The final commands were uploaded on September 29 – and now there is no going back"

Indeed. The results are in, and Comet 67P will leave the EU.

Joking aside, it's a mark of how far space navigation has come that Rosetta bounced a bit on a comet but landed fundamentally intact. It's not all that many years since we were making new craters on Mars.

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Ludicrous Patent of the Week: Rectangles on a computer screen

Jedit
Joke

"Just kill everybody"

I think Americans have patented that, too.

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Brit loan firm gets comeuppance for 7.7 million spam texts

Jedit

"those who requested a card were not spammed"

Spam is an unsolicited mass mailing. It doesn't matter whether you want what is being sold or not, if you didn't sign up to receive the information it was spam. Some people are just dumb enough to respond to spam.

Regarding the size of the fine: it was most likely based on the profits made from the spamming, plus a bit extra.

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ZX Spectrum Vega+ will ship on time, developer claims amid doubts

Jedit
Stop

"there is always some risk with a kick starter by definition"

It's not a Kickstarter, it's a crowdfunding project on Indiegogo. This is more than a semantic difference; IGG projects are always less safe because the site's practices are less rigorous and - let's be blunt - less honest than those of Kickstarter. The worst of it is IGG providing a "flexible funding" option, where backers have their cash taken whether or not the project meets its goal. This has led to IGG being a natural magnet for scams and vapourware, as the scammer doesn't even have to convince $10,000 worth of idiots to trust them before seeing a return.

Not all Indiegogo projects are scams, and I really hope the Vega+ isn't one of them. I might even buy one once they hit retail if the reviews are good. But I'd never back an IGG project, and I won't trust anyone who runs one until their product does go to retail.

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2,000 year old man found dead near 2,000 year old computer

Jedit

Re: Navigation error - core dump blues

I'm not sure he got that far before getting a Blue Sea of Death error.

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UK Science Museum will reconsider its 'sexist' brain quiz

Jedit
WTF?

"young and beautiful female elephants"

I really shouldn't judge in this modern society, but are you saying that you have sex with elephants?

Honestly, I'm not even sure how that would work because elephants have four feet and humans don't. I would imagine you would be completely incapable of congress with only six inches.

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Florida Man's prized jeep cremated by exploding Samsung Galaxy Note 7

Jedit
Trollface

"the fire retardants in the modern car ABS do not fire retard"

The guy left an unattended device charging in his car despite there having been a product recall for that device because it sometimes catches fire when charging, also he's wearing a DON'T TREAD ON ME T-shirt. I think it's obvious that in this case the retardation had been removed from the vehicle, because he wasn't in it.

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Missing Milky Way mass blown away by bingeing supermassive black hole

Jedit
Headmaster

"I shall try the idea of 'Dark Money' on my bank manager"

It won't work. Dark money may exist, but economic science has found no way to measure your balance or cause it to interact with baryonic bills.

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Sex ban IT man loses appeal – but judge labels order 'unpoliceable'

Jedit
Mushroom

"Judge Dredd was a comic strip"

Minor pedant: Judge Dredd IS a comic strip.

(Apocalypse War, because I'm getting my retaliation against East Reg One in first.)

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'Daddy, what's a Blu-ray disc?'

Jedit

"a third of all Blu-ray discs sold are bought between October and December"

Are Reg writers paid by the word, perchance? There's nothing noteworthy in the fact that 33% of discs are sold in 25% of the year, even before considering that all it indicates is that sales of leisure products rise in the run-up to Christmas.

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Windows 10: Happy with Anniversary Update?

Jedit
Joke

"As Phomne 10 dead in water"

Looks like the spelling and grammar checkers need some work as well.

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UK govt digi-chief confirms he is standing down after ... 9 months

Jedit
Angel

It's Moore's Law in action

The number of ex-GDS project managers will double every 18 months. And government project managers are like transistors - they do one job, and do it exactly as badly as they're instructed.

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Cyberpunks might not be crooks but they're really very rude

Jedit
Trollface

Perhaps a new page name is in order?

"The Vagister: Gay/Lord News To The World".

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Church organist nabbed for playing glory hole in excelsis

Jedit
Coat

"piccolo, although he was probably hoping for a trombone"

Hey - you can't say there was anything wrong with this gentleman's organ. It just obviously wasn't made for playing in a cathedral.

(Mine's the one that thankfully doesn't have a hole in the pocket...)

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Dolly the sheep clones have aged well, say scientists

Jedit
Joke

"<Insert obligatory Welsh joke here>"

I thought cloning was reproduction without sex?

(Hey, you asked.)

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Seminal adventure game The Hobbit finally ported to the Dragon 64

Jedit
Headmaster

"I never got past the "A pair of bulbous eyes stare at you""

If the bulbous eyes stare at you, go back west. When you head east again they'll be gone.

The most fun I ever had in The Hobbit was when I climbed into the chest in Bag End and closed the lid. You can't open the lid again because it's dark and you can't see the chest. Thorin is usually there, but he never does anything you ask.

Incidentally, it was possible to kill Thorin - just very, very unlikely.

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Tight-wad Apple repair techs swapped our damaged iGear with used kit – lawsuit

Jedit
IT Angle

"Half the time refurbished gear tends to run a little better and longer"

Doesn't that imply that Apple gear is released in suboptimal condition and requires a second QA pass to get up to spec?

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