Posts by Blofeld's Cat

Waiter!

"...football-field-size jellyfish with orange stomaches (sic) that float in the skies of Titan while supported by small onion-shaped gas balls under their flaps."

I'll have a bottle of whatever she's drinking, and my friend Harvey will have another carrot juice.

Do I hear $12,000,001 anywhere?

Put the contested domains up on Ebay, with a ridiculously high reserve, and watch as the big players try to outbid each other in the last few picoseconds.

Pass the .popcorn

Hmm...

I suspect that the human could win this game every time - given a sufficiently large rock...

Stop!

"... going from 13,000 miles an hour to zero ..."

Well slowing from 13,000 mph to zero is really not that difficult, when heading downwards.

The trick is to achieve it without resorting to lithobraking.

Who knows...

Let me see: new spaceship... mysterious secret cargo...

It's got to be Daleks. It's always Daleks.

Cordon Bennett...

May I humbly suggest the Bauernfrühstück (farmer's breakfast) available in less reputable parts of Germany. This is essentially a large (6 eggs) omelette filled with fried potato, various high-fat sausage slices and assorted vegetables, which has the advantage of adding high cholesterol to the saturated fat.

Something from the sweet trolley?

I recommend the traditional suet and jam roly-poly pudding, with custard and golden syrup.

Well...

I did start sketching an outline for a screenplay where the hero was some sort of exiled Englishman living in Spain.

The unlikely plot revolved round this chap building paper aircraft in his garden shed, in a bid to get one into space. The trouble was that although I tried to add interest to the plot by making the central character keep donkeys, it didn't really work.

It just all seemed a little too far fetched really.

Pah!

I'm with Jake on this one.

I have been in IT since 1980 and most of the skills I learned back then are still relevant today. The hardware and software may have changed but the principles remain.

Frankly any manager who is prepared to make sweeping statements like "we don't hire anyone over the age of 40 in a technical role", is an idiot who is not up to the job and should be sacked.

This is clearly a manager who believes that management is a "profession" that everybody should aspire to.

When you have managers who believe everything that happened before they were appointed is irrelevant, then you do not have a culture which values experience.

I'm basically an engineer and pretty good at what I do, I also enjoy my work. Why should I have to take a job that I'm no good at and would hate doing, just to "get on"?

I was once interviewed for a contract updating the embedded software for a ten-year-old piece of control equipment.

At one point I was reprimanded by one member of the panel:

"You seem very sure of what can and cannot be done with this system."

"Yes", I replied, "I should be, I programmed it. I also designed the hardware."

I didn't get the contract as, according to the agency, I didn't have the relevant skills.

Coming shortly...

"Yes dear I'll drop your mother off on my way over."

"Honestly Persephone; you're six years old and you still can't pack a parachute properly."

"Probably just a piton tube, mate. I'll see if I've got an old one out the back."

"No officer the gates were locked. I've no idea how they got into the yard."

"Well have you tried scraping a Canada Goose off the windscreen?"

"Well the satnav said it was a field, not a reservoir."

"No sir, that bridge is 13 foot six, when you're on the ground."

"I don't care if there is a 747 coming. It's my right of way."

<-- "Good evening oshifer. Why are you standing upside down?"

Hmm...

Perhaps we could go back to designing products where value is added by new features, better performance and the like, rather than by IP lawyers fighting in court.

That way the cloned product is always at least one generation behind the new version.

Problems at the airport....

"Could you open this suitcase please sir, our scanners suggest that it has a false bottom."

"we've selected a far mightier thruster"

Meanwhile; on a rooftop somewhere in East London, overlooking the Olympics.

"'Ere Sarge, how many of these things are we supposed to have?"

So...

"when family members are relocated to other zoos."

I suppose they will keep in touch by using Faceook.

It's the one with another dimension in a pocket.

Zen

www.zen.co.uk.

We have similar requirements to your own, and use Zen for hosting them. We have been very impressed with their service.

cPanel, Apache, PHP and MySQL are installed on their Linux hosts as standard. They do monthly contracts and are located in the UK.

They have first rate, UK based Technical Support. Calls are taken by the people who have set up and administer their systems, not some "script monkey".

You will NOT be pestered by sales people.

Highly recommended.

"Embiggened"

What's wrong with enlarged or expanded?

Hmm...

Some quick Googling reveals that the Greenwich scheme is called the RAPTOR project, which is not deeply reassuring.

"It's very simple Mr Bond, if your government fails to meet my demands, I am going to reduce the Greenwich Peninsular to chaos."

"You mean you will use Living PlanIT's UOS network to manipulate the utilities, street lights and road signs?"

"No Mr Bond, I'm going to put three cones on the A102."

In other news...

"New bestseller tops children's books list..."

"Author faints on receiving royalties cheque..."

"Buckingham Palace dismisses laundry workers..."

"Angry scenes at WH Smith refund desk..."

Diamonds are forever...

I suspect they could reduce production costs by using industrial diamonds rather than the nicely cut ones shown in the diagram.

Unless of course they are operating from a converted oil platform off Baja California...

"If at first you don't succeed, Mr. Kidd...."

Phew!

You had me worried for a moment there, but fortunately since I put down that special double sided tape, my home has been entirely free of sauropods.

Now I just have to stop the velociraptors tearing up the bin bags.

It's got the very large mousetrap in a pocket.

Petrol, pasties, granny tax, caravan tax...

Nice to see that the razor-sharp minds of our politicians at work again.

Next week they're going to announce that we will change over to driving on the right. This will be phased in over two years, starting with Large Goods Vehicles.

Hmm...

If this illuminated packaging catches on, then the drive back from the supermarket will look like a scene from "Repo Man".

Bleaugh...

Sir,

Having subscribed to this august journal for many a moon, I feel once again compelled to bring you to task on your coverage of a subject dear to my heart.

A shoe needs to be decently marinaded (preferably in French brandy) before being cooked. Butter should only ever be used when lard is unavailable.

I notice that your correspondent has also introduced other, completely unrelated, matters into this article.

Please ensure this sloppy journalism is not repeated.

I remain sir,

Colonel Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)