* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

976 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

Page:

Developer’s code worked, but not in the right century

Blofeld's Cat

I had a friend in the Keswick Mountain Rescue Team and they once had to assist someone who had fallen and broken their ankle on a fell adjacent to "Little Cockup" while ascending "Great Cockup".

The radio communications during the incident apparently became increasingly surreal as the journey progressed.

BTW There is another hill called just "Cockup" about 2 miles south of "Little Cockup", so that's another possible venue for our next release party ...

3
0

Indiegogo lawyer asks ZX Spectrum reboot firm: Where's the cash?

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: I have a fabulous deal

I'm deeply tempted by your "4 bottles for £65" offer, but I am unfortunately somewhat short of funds at the moment.

The maker of my Bitcoin miner is still waiting for more pickaxes to be delivered, and that prince hasn't transferred the money yet.

Would you consider an exchange for 4 bottles of the alcohol-free Vodka I bought? It comes in three flavours: "Malvern", "Buxton" and "Highland Spring".

29
0

Every bloody gadget in the house is ringing. Thanks, EE

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm ...

"Beep ... The answering machine is unavailable at the moment so this is the refrigerator speaking. If you leave a message after the tone I will put it under one of my magnets."

10
0

Don’t talk to the ATM, young man, it’s just a machine and there’s nobody inside

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Ah FUBAR

I know of two more variants:

FUBAR - Fscked Up Beyond Any Recovery

FUBAB - Fscked Up Beyond All Belief

4
0

BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Weight lifting

"What is the weight lifting capacity of blockchain"

One, unexpectedly heavy, roll of old carpet?

14
0

There's just one month left 'til the big day: May 25... but don't panic!

Blofeld's Cat
Angel

Hmm ...

I wonder if by then ICANN will have just painted Whois pink and erected a cheap and simple SEP field around it?

11
0

UK 'meltdown' bank TSB's owner: Our IT migration was a 'success'

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

402 customers ...

For some reason I immediately thought of the HTTP response code:

402 Payment Required

9
0

El Reg needs you – to help build an automated beer-transporting robot

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Re: Alternatively

The boiler room of one place I worked in had several large pipes that wandered off to distant parts of the factory.

Along with the usual labels such as "Gas" and "Rising fire main", four of the larger pipes were labelled "Mild", "Bitter", "Tea (with)" and "Tea (without)".

3
0

You. FCC. Get out there and do something about these mystery bogus cell towers, huff bigwigs

Blofeld's Cat
Black Helicopters

Re: An inconspicuous van

I am told some of these vans can have "Flowers By Irene" written on the side.

3
0

Autonomous vehicle claims are just a load of hot air… and here's why

Blofeld's Cat
Angel

Hmm ...

If you are in search of civilised transportation, Alistair, may I recommend something along the lines of the Windermere Steam Launch "Dolly" or similar.

These craft are often fitted with a Windermere Kettle in which live steam from the boiler is used to generate properly boiling water in seconds.

13
0

Politicos whining about folks' data rights ought to start closer to home

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Re: Voting is a public duty

"... We need a law to make professional lying an imprisonable offence ... "

I doubt any court would have sufficient lawyers* or judges available to deal with the workload.

* For recursion see recursion.

23
0

It's baaack – WannaCry nasty soars through Boeing's computers

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm ...

Boeing (n) (onomatopoeia) - Sound made by email program to indicate that ransomware has been received.

34
0

Tantalising Tabby's Star teases watchers with big dimming event

Blofeld's Cat
Alien

Twinkle, twinkle little star ...

Probably just a bit of dust in one of the fuel injectors making it splutter a bit. Nothing a good blast through with an air line wouldn't fix.

1
0

City of Atlanta's IT gear thoroughly pwned by ransomware nasty

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm ...

Previously, in a parallel universe...

Mayor: "IT say we need to upgrade our security."

Beancounter: "There's no budget for that."

Mayor: "Our systems could be compromised."

Beancounter: "Frankly my dear..."

12
0

Prof Stephen Hawking's ashes will be interred alongside Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin

Blofeld's Cat
Angel

Er ...

Meanwhile, somewhere on a different ethereal plane...

"Well yes Prof it is a good theory as these things go, but I was actually just sweeping up some old firmament I had lying around and suddenly BANG I had an unexpected universe on My hands."

10
0

US mulls drafting gray-haired hackers during times of crisis

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm ...

"You can't simply enlist in the military and say I want to focus on cybersecurity," she said. "Where you end up is not based on willingness or aptitude."

"The Army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that, not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and colour, but also on the grounds of ability."

Tom Lehrer - It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier.

8
1

UK's London Gatwick Airport boasts of driverless vehicle trial

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Tug driver duties

"Tugs have a 2-man crew, the driver and the "headset man". It is the latter who is effectively in command of both the aircraft and tug while it is being towed."

So guess which job the beancounters will eliminate first ...

2
0

Windows 10 to force you to use Edge, even if it isn't default browser

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Hmm ...

I must be getting old, as I can remember when the OS just sat unobtrusively in the background and got on with running stuff.

Those were the days when if the program* you were developing didn't work, you had generally messed something up yourself, rather than been undermined by some apparently unrelated overnight update.

* Not "app", "widget" or whatever

20
0

Sneaky satellite launch raises risk of Gravity-style space collision

Blofeld's Cat
Alert

IoT in Spaaaaaaaaaace ...

"The idea behind the mini-satellites ... is to create an internet-of-things network in outer space.

Oh well that's all right then. I mean what could possibly go wrong...

50
0

Less than half of paying ransomware targets get their files back

Blofeld's Cat
Facepalm

Backups ...

A colleague of mine used to do data recovery, and has many tales of backups that were completely useless when needed.

She once had to assist a company that at first glance had done all the right things - They kept daily backups for a three month period, sent tapes on a weekly basis to an off-site storage facility, and actually verified that the tapes contained data.

Unfortunately they never attempted to restore anything, and when disaster struck it turned out that all of their backups were incremental ones, with no original version to base the deltas on...

21
0

Does my boom look big in this? New universe measurements bewilder boffins

Blofeld's Cat
Alien

Re: Tom 7

Get "Space Engine" a *to scale model of the universe.

Sounds like the "Total Perspective Vortex":

"... every piece of matter in the Universe is in some way affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation - every Galaxy, every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition, and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake."

Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

12
0

UK names Russia as source of NotPetya, USA follows suit

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm ...

"... the UK and its allies will not tolerate malicious cyber activity ..."

I presume they mean incoming malicious cyber activity by others, rather than their own carefully crafted spyware.

26
1

Sorry, Elon, your Tesla roadster won't orbit for billions of years

Blofeld's Cat
Angel

Hmm ...

Give it a couple of hundred years or so and there'll be a YouTube video of a Space Police chase...

"... One occupant wearing a space suit ... failing to stop ... nearly collided with that asteroid ... total disregard for oncoming traffic ... speed 150 Zels ..."

23
0

You're decorating it wrong: Apple HomePod gives wood ring of death

Blofeld's Cat
Megaphone

One ring to rule them all ...

Perhaps we could start a playlist ...

Ring, Ring - Abba

Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash

Brown girl in the ring - Bony M

Single Ladies (Put a ring on it) - Beyoncé

...

11
0
Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Re: Roses are red.............

This year I have given up religion for Lent ...

24
0

UK worker who sold customers' data to nuisance callers must cough up £1k

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Re: Actual accidents

"... about that accident you had recently ..."

Would that be the one I can't remember because of the resulting Amnesia?

5
0

I see you're writing a résumé?!.. LinkedIn parked in MS Word

Blofeld's Cat
Unhappy

Hmm ...

Some years ago I added the following paragraph to my CV:

"This is largely a work of fiction based on my mental suppression of unfortunate past events. Any resemblance to actual businesses, projects or persons, (living, dead or about to make the transition), is purely coincidental. Inviting me to an interview would however allow me to elaborate on this, and might brighten up, or at least bring some surrealism to, an otherwise dull day."

This has made no difference whatsoever to the number or quality of job offers I receive, but has confirmed my suspicion that nobody reads the thing anyway.

14
0

MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF CARS: SpaceX parks a Tesla in orbit (just don't mention the barge)

Blofeld's Cat
Pint

Don't Panic!

Nice to see that Douglas Adams quote on the dash.

Not only are SpaceX doing fantastic science and engineering, they're having fun as well.

59
0

Epic spacewalk, epic FAIL: Cosmonauts point new antenna in the wrong direction

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Hmm ...

If it's an "AE-35" unit, then there may be trouble ahead ...

30
0

Bluetooth 'Panty Buster' 'smart' sex toy fails penetration test

Blofeld's Cat
Coffee/keyboard

Careful now ...

"... the server backend had multiple vulnerabilities ..."

Ye gods, John - have you never head of a NSFW label?

7
0

Morrisons launches bizarre Yorkshire Pudding pizza thing

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Mum's gone to Iceland

May I suggest the Chicken Tarka - it's 'otter.

35
0
Blofeld's Cat
Go

Cordon Bennett ...

I needed another option on the poll:

"Yes, because I'm the kind of freak who would eat that!"

3
0

Shopper f-bombed PC shop staff, so they mocked her with too-polite tech tutorial

Blofeld's Cat
Devil

Er ...

Back in the mid '80s I worked for a shop selling word-processors, and we ended up with a batch of faulty green-screen monitors. Unfortunately most of these monitors would only go wrong several days after the sale, in spite of being soak-tested on arrival.

So many of these wretched things went wrong that we adopted the following procedure for returns:

Customer: (Angry) "I bought this from you and it's broken."

Salesperson: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Normally the customer would simply be given a brand new monitor and an apology for the inconvenience. Some would however break into an abusive rant at this point ...

Customer: "Idiots ... useless ... expense ... lost work ... what are you going to do about it?"

At this point the salesperson would, without comment, open the door leading to the cellar, remove the monitor from the counter and hurl it into the void, closing the door after it. They would then produce a new, boxed monitor and place it on the counter.

Salesperson: (Smiling slightly too much) "Anything else I can help you with ?"

Customer: "Er ... no ... thank you."

There was actually a pile of foam packing at the foot of the steps, but we ensured the monitor dislodged a strategically placed pile of junk on the way down.

97
0

As Facebook pushes yet more fake articles, one news editor tells Mark to get a grip – or Zuck off

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Laziness and Stupidity

"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." - JFK, Inaugural Address

"Ask not what I can do for the stupid - ask what the stupid can do for me." - Graeme Garden, The Goodies

11
0

Ignore that FBI. We're the real FBI, says the FBI that's totally the FBI

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: Ignore them.

"... look at the email headers to find out that it didn't really come from whom it claims to be from. A foreign based ISP is a good tip off as are Gmail, Hotmail, or anything sent from an iPhone ..."

Yes, you're right, that's probably from the real FBI, but I would still delete it just in case.

It's the trench coat and straw boater.

9
0

So you accidentally told a million people they are going to die: What next? Your essential guide...

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Work down the list ...

"In this case, it was: the police; then the people that operate emergency sirens; then those in charge of the different counties. Then the TV and radio stations."

But not, for some reason, the person with their finger on the big red button labelled "Retaliate" ?

16
0

FYI: That Hawaii missile alert was no UI blunder. Someone really thought the islands were toast

Blofeld's Cat
Mushroom

Hmm ...

"... The report goes with the official version – of a misunderstanding – although it inserts a few skeptical notes ...

"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!"

33
0

Infamous Silicon Valley 'sex party' exactly as exciting as it sounds

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Re: My understanding is..

Followed by a RAID?

16
0

BOFH: Buttock And Departmental Defence ... As A Service

Blofeld's Cat

Hmm ...

Maybe as a further check against miscounting, it would be sensible to mark each buttock as it is counted.

Perhaps some sort of cattle-related device would work here ...

26
0

What do we want? Consensual fun times. How do we get it? Via an app with blockchain...

Blofeld's Cat
Childcatcher

Hmm ...

I think the late Victoria Wood could have made a whole routine out of this app.

Something along the lines of "The Ballad of Barry and Freda" perhaps.

3
0

Butcher breaks out of own freezer using black pudding

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Ecky thump?

See also: "The Goodies" Series 5 - "Kung Fu Kapers" (1975)

3
0

Boffins closer to solving what causes weird radio bursts from space

Blofeld's Cat

Re: OTT

"A teenager from an advanced civilisation on bonfire night?

Possibly the same on a stag night...

"Hold my Djinnant Onyx and watch this!"

4
0

Cabinet reshuffle leaves UK digital policy and GDS rudderless. And now the news...

Blofeld's Cat
Coffee/keyboard

What?

"... minister for government resilience and efficiency ..."

Do they really believe these titles, or just make them up for a laugh?

4
0

Astroboffins say our Solar System is a dark, violent, cosmic weirdo

Blofeld's Cat

Re: a dark, violent, cosmic weirdo

"I saw someone like that Monday afternoon."

Violent? I'll have you know that I was merely walking the zlaag, and only transmogrified your dog because I feared it would attack me.

5
0

FCC douses America's net neutrality in gas, tosses over a lit match

Blofeld's Cat

Re: Black arm bands for everyone

"... Imagine if in the plain old telephone days that AT&T owned a share of Pizza Hut. They easily could have blocked all phone calls going to Dominos or even rerouted them to Pizza Hut. ..."

There is a precedent:

In 1888, Almon Brown Strowger, a Kansas City undertaker, discovered that one of the operators at the local, manual telephone exchange was diverting callers who asked for "an undertaker" to her husband (a rival undertaker).

His response was to invent the Strowger Automatic Telephone Exchange.

32
0

Funnily enough, no, IT admins who trash biz machines can't claim they had permission

Blofeld's Cat
FAIL

Never read the BOFH ...

Now if he had:

a) Described his planned actions as a "Radical, agile, system-wide upgrade"

b) Given the plan a catchy title

c) Documented his intended changes and produced a three-bullet-point management summary

d) Got "Project Scorched Earth" signed off by his line manager (Before their unfortunate, fatal fall from the collapsing fire escape).

e) Engaged a highly paid consultant (also on the fire escape) to execute the plan

Then, assuming there were no meddling kids or a pesky dog nearby, he might just have got away with it.

31
0

Trump to NASA: Fly me (or some other guys) to the Moon

Blofeld's Cat
Coat

Er ...

"... Space Policy Directive 1 ..."

Kryten: "Space Policy Directive 1? 'No officer should drive a Lunar Rover on the South Lawn during a thunderstorm' - I fail to see how appeasing the under-gardener is relevant here, Mr President."

33
0

Page:

Forums

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2018