"My God! It's full of beers!""
Ah, if only the contents had been a reassuringly expensive pilsner from a well-known Belgian brewer...
995 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010
"Two reporters from the Mail on Sunday walked straight into the nondescript hut where the Hibernia Express cable reaches the British mainland in Southport,"
Not that I would for a moment dispute the journalistic skills of reporters from that august journal, but I would want to make a few extra checks just in case ...
Engineer 1: (Watching reporters depart) "Who were that lot then ?"
Engineer 2: (Shrugs) "Said they were from the Daily Mail investigating dangers to our gallant nation's infrastructure."
Engineer 1: "Ah. So what were they doing in this disused toilet block ?"
Engineer 2: "Probably looking for that secret installation on the other side of the caravan park."
Engineer 1: "Didn't half give me a shock bursting in like that though. I thought we'd been rumbled."
Engineer 2: "I know. You can't even nick a bit of copper pipe in peace these days..."
"But they do dress ever-so smartly though."
I've always imagined that there must be a special circle of Hell reserved for people like this:
Their pit will always be at the ideal temperature, with perfect air quality and superb non-reflective lighting.
After the daily, two-hour safety briefing, the damned spend the rest of the day sat in personalised orthopaedic chairs at correctly sized desks, checking piles of perfectly filled in forms. Hot, but non-scalding, beverages of their choice are served regularly with any spills evaporating before they reach the non-slip, anti-static flooring.
The wearing of hi-vis vests and other safety equipment is mandatory, even though any slight hazards have already been marked with the appropriate warning signs.
During the regular breaks, some of the damned will be
dragged gently led by demons to a relaxing chair massage, or to have their work obsequiously praised by a fawning senior manager...
OK, that last one might be going a bit too far.
I suspect that had Mr Muldowney-Colston entered that construction for the Turner Prize, he could have made even more money legitimately.
He would however have needed was a bit of art-speak:
"I call it the Seduction of Capitalism. It is a manifestation of the discord caused by the juxtaposition of tradition, in the form of the religious image, with the brutal modernism and pursuit of Mammon symbolised by the card reader. The theme continues with the voice-changing electronics acting as a metaphor for the mixing and blurring of genders and identities. The wiring represents the complex interconnections of modern life, and is contrasted with the observer's own self image reflected in the mirror."
"MoD insists there will always be a human at the wheel"
Have these people never watched Dark Star?
Pinback: All right, bomb. Prepare to receive new orders.
Bomb #20: You are false data. Therefore I shall ignore you.
Pinback: Hello ... bomb?
Bomb #20: False data can act only as a distraction. Therefore, I shall refuse to perceive.
Pinback: Hey, bomb?
Bomb #20: The only thing that exists is myself.
Pinback: Snap out of it, bomb.
Bomb #20: In the beginning, there was darkness. And the darkness was without form, and void.
Boiler: What the hell is he talking about?
Bomb #20: And in addition to the darkness there was also me. And I moved upon the face of the darkness. And I saw that I was alone. Let there be light.
"... with Demon for many years ... "
I too have travelled this route.
Having signed up with Demon in 300 baud days I still twitched slightly when you mentioned Thus. (Wasn't Scottish Power also involved in that trail of tears somewhere?)
I have now been with Zen for many years and the hollowed out volcano also moved all their IT and phones to them a few years ago.
The last outage either of us suffered was when a passing truck scythed down the overhead lines, which doesn't count. Having been reported to Zen, the line was restored by BT's engineers in less than 24 hours, so no complaints there either.
I had a friend in the Keswick Mountain Rescue Team and they once had to assist someone who had fallen and broken their ankle on a fell adjacent to "Little Cockup" while ascending "Great Cockup".
The radio communications during the incident apparently became increasingly surreal as the journey progressed.
BTW There is another hill called just "Cockup" about 2 miles south of "Little Cockup", so that's another possible venue for our next release party ...
I'm deeply tempted by your "4 bottles for £65" offer, but I am unfortunately somewhat short of funds at the moment.
The maker of my Bitcoin miner is still waiting for more pickaxes to be delivered, and that prince hasn't transferred the money yet.
Would you consider an exchange for 4 bottles of the alcohol-free Vodka I bought? It comes in three flavours: "Malvern", "Buxton" and "Highland Spring".
If you are in search of civilised transportation, Alistair, may I recommend something along the lines of the Windermere Steam Launch "Dolly" or similar.
These craft are often fitted with a Windermere Kettle in which live steam from the boiler is used to generate properly boiling water in seconds.
"You can't simply enlist in the military and say I want to focus on cybersecurity," she said. "Where you end up is not based on willingness or aptitude."
"The Army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that, not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and colour, but also on the grounds of ability."
Tom Lehrer - It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier.
I must be getting old, as I can remember when the OS just sat unobtrusively in the background and got on with running stuff.
Those were the days when if the program* you were developing didn't work, you had generally messed something up yourself, rather than been undermined by some apparently unrelated overnight update.
* Not "app", "widget" or whatever
A colleague of mine used to do data recovery, and has many tales of backups that were completely useless when needed.
She once had to assist a company that at first glance had done all the right things - They kept daily backups for a three month period, sent tapes on a weekly basis to an off-site storage facility, and actually verified that the tapes contained data.
Unfortunately they never attempted to restore anything, and when disaster struck it turned out that all of their backups were incremental ones, with no original version to base the deltas on...
Get "Space Engine" a *to scale model of the universe.
Sounds like the "Total Perspective Vortex":
"... every piece of matter in the Universe is in some way affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation - every Galaxy, every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition, and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake."
Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Some years ago I added the following paragraph to my CV:
"This is largely a work of fiction based on my mental suppression of unfortunate past events. Any resemblance to actual businesses, projects or persons, (living, dead or about to make the transition), is purely coincidental. Inviting me to an interview would however allow me to elaborate on this, and might brighten up, or at least bring some surrealism to, an otherwise dull day."
This has made no difference whatsoever to the number or quality of job offers I receive, but has confirmed my suspicion that nobody reads the thing anyway.
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