* Posts by Blofeld's Cat

864 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010

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My hole is a private thing – see for yourself

Blofeld's Cat
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Bandwagon ...

The most important thing about being on a bandwagon is to remember to get off before it becomes a tumbrel.

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IT team sent dirt file to Police as they all bailed from abusive workplace

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Uhhhmmmmm

"lately a bar steward on the Royal Yacht Britannia"

"Guess what tune is now in my head..."

Rule Britannia?

Sorry m0rt, I couldn't resist it - Have one on me.

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Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Ah yes ...

Many years ago I had the misfortune to work for an individual similar to Mr TOWF.

This wonderful example of humanity used to specialise in reducing people to tears over minor issues that were invariably his own fault, such as double-booking meeting rooms, or arranging to be in two locations simultaneously.

Eventually the atmosphere became so toxic that a number of people resigned, including myself. His response was to dismiss everyone who had resigned for "gross misconduct" and then to sue them for "damage to the business".

When this matter came up in court, (against the advice of Mr TOWF's original lawyers), the judge dismissed it "with prejudice" and awarded us costs, pointing out that no individual's contribution could be simultaneously "essential" and "of no worth" to the business.

Mr TOWF then responded by sacking his HR manager for "gross misconduct", on the grounds he had not prevented Mr TOWF from starting the legal action...

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Britain collects new naval tanker a mere 18 months late

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: purpose

Quite so.

Not forgetting the queue of captains impulse buying confectionery and idly looking through the cheap CDs, as the admiral at the counter tries to remember his PIN and find his loyalty card.

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Japan's terrifying techno-toilets will be made foreigner friendly, vow makers

Blofeld's Cat
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So ...

In the words of the song:

Aha bidets are here again...

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BT installs phone 'spam filter', says it'll strain out mass cold-callers

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

I have trained most people at our hollowed out volcano to respond to computer scam calls by saying, "I'll just transfer you to our IT department", and then hanging up the phone.

Nobody ever rings back.

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Just give up: 123456 is still the world's most popular password

Blofeld's Cat
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Angel

12345?

Dark Helmet: "That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"

President Skroob:"That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage."

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Flight 666 lands safely in HEL on Friday the 13th

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

It's not often you get a chance to combine hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia, paraskevidekatriaphobia, stygiophobia, triskaidekaphobia and aviophobia on one occasion.

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Promising compsci student sold key-logger, infects 16,000 machines, pleads guilty, faces jail

Blofeld's Cat
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Hmm...

"... selling more than 3,000 copies of a key-logger program ... that was used to infect at least 16,000 machines ..."

This chap appears to be in need of a good lawyer - There are nearly 13,000 pirated copies of his software out there.

Er, no, hang on a minute ...

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Mr Angry pays taxman with five wheelbarrows worth of loose change

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Change The Picture?

Quite right - they are a "A handful of euro 1 cent coins" according to the image's associated text.

Which sounds like an unsuccessful remake of one of Sergio Leone's spaghetti westerns...

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Cache flush: AI poker bot to compete against top players in tourney

Blofeld's Cat
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Pint

Hmm...

"... Poker poses a far more difficult challenge than these games, as it requires a machine to make extremely complicated decisions based on incomplete information while contending with bluffs, slow play and other ploys ..."

"Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there's two alike that's pretty good, but if there's three alike that's much better? "

[Explaining why he had shot his opponent] "He was cheating and I can't abide a cheat. I'm a broad-minded man, gents, and I don't object to nine aces in one deck, but when a man lays down five aces in one hand... Besides, I know what I dealt him."

W C Fields, Tillie and Gus (1933)

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Flight simulator sets fire to airport

Blofeld's Cat
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Hmm...

"Achtung Spitfire!"

OK, OK - It's the flying-jacket and goggles.

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Yorkshire council hit with prolonged web outage

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Re: Star Trek Logic

I was not aware that any futuristic vessel in a TV programme or film ever used fuses at all. Certainly the Seaview seemed to burn out most of its circuits every time the boat rocked.

"I once let a windoze admin that I did not care for go a whole week trying to find a replacement fuse for a server that was set for 110vac that he plugged into into a 220vac outlet."

A true BOFH would have handed him a specially turned piece of brass rod, painted to look like a fuse. That would have kept the "clumsy box" off the net for even longer.

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The Register's Top 20 Most-Commented Stories in 2016

Blofeld's Cat
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Pint

Predictions ...

Hopefully 2017 will be the year that LOHAN finally takes to the air.

Some other predictions [Gives psychic octopus a stir]:

  • At least one government body will lose the personal details of their clients.
  • A telecom company will suffer a major outage.
  • A large corporation will expose the credit card details of their customers.
In each case these events will only affect "a small number" of people and "lessons will be learned".

Happy New Year!

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European Patent Office supremo rapped on knuckles by nation reps

Blofeld's Cat
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WTF?

Hmm...

"There is some consternation over the BoA move, which some see as just the latest effort by Battistelli to undermine and downplay the independent body."

This is obviously some definition of the word "independent", of which I was previously unaware.

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Facebook's internet drone crash-landed after wing 'deformed' in flight

Blofeld's Cat
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Trollface

Fake news...

"Facebook says its ambitions remain un-dimmed and that it will continue the Aquila program."

Sorry I don't believe a word of it.

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Elon Musk wants to get into the boring business, literally

Blofeld's Cat
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Hmm...

Hopefully one day I'll be able to drive be driven in an electric car through the tunnels of Mars.

Definitely time for that hollowed out volcano, Elon.

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Guessing valid credit card numbers in six seconds? Priceless

Blofeld's Cat
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Convenience V Security

This appears to be another case where security is sacrificed for the sake of making the transaction more convenient to the buyer.

Our bank-issued card machine allows us to use a lower level of security (such as no address details) where the card is not present, but it is made very clear that we, rather than the bank, would be taking on the financial risk if the transaction proves fraudulent.

Presumably some of the major retailers (or their insurers) can absorb this risk - or have better deals with their bank.

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Microsoft, IBM, Intel refuse to hand over family jewels to China

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Re: Greed will triumph

You mean ...

CEO: "Good morning Mr Chairman, before we begin our trade negotiations, my board has instructed me to raise with you all the issues we have with your company's record on ethics and human rights. [5 seconds of silence] Having done that ...."

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CERN concern: Particle boffins join backlash against Euro Patent Office's King Battistelli

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

Inspector: "So did you see the president leave the room after his meeting with the particle physicists?"

Assistant: "No, but when I came in to get the post that was there."

Inspector: "I take it there wasn't a temporal rift in here yesterday."

Assistant: "Well there wasn't then, but there might be now."

Inspector: "[sighs] Ah. [calls out] Sergeant - when you've finished dusting those broken hadrons for prints, ask Dr Freeman to step in here for a moment ... [glances across room] ... and tell him to bring a crowbar."

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Give BAE a kicking and flog off new UK warships, says review

Blofeld's Cat
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Bleaugh!

Sir,

I have read with interest the article your august journal has seen fit to publish about the plight of our Royal Navy.

It seems a mere blink or an eye ago that mighty vessels like the Dreadnought, Ark Royal and Troutbridge flew the White Ensign far and wide across the seven seas, while these days we seem to have insufficient vessels to patrol the Severn Estuary.

A mere 120 years ago, if one of the local potentates was getting a bit uppity, we would send three cruisers and a couple of gunboats to help along our diplomatic negotiations. Should the potentate fail to take our advice, then 45 minutes later the locals would be sweeping up the rubble, while we invoiced them for the ammunition used. Now we can barely send a whining note by rowing boat.

In my opinion our politicians should spend more time on naval manoeuvres and less time navel gazing.

I remain,

Admiral Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)

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Adblock again beats publishers' Adblock-blocking attempts

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Ad walls ...

"... have you mentioned your problems to the website? ..."

Yes. When the new ads first appeared I assumed there had been an error, and emailed them.

Their reply was essentially:

  • Advertising revenue pays for the site.
  • Subscribers are not shown any ads.
  • These are offers not ads, so we show them.

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Blofeld's Cat
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Flame

Ad walls ...

There are a couple of sites I use regularly where I have chosen to pay a small annual subscription to view them without advertisements.

One of these sites has recently started pushing increasingly intrusive "offers from our carefully chosen partners", which I believe to be simply greedy. Needless to say these offers cannot easily be disabled...

Guess who won't be getting their annual subscription renewed.

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Hackers crack Liechtenstein banks, demand ransoms

Blofeld's Cat
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Terminator

Hmm...

"... clients including politicians, actors, and wealthy individuals ... demanding up to 10 per cent of account balances paid in Bitcoin for the information to be withheld ..."

I suspect that some of these "wealthy individuals" might be able to seriously affect the life expectancy career prospects of the hackers for considerably less than that.

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'Data saturation' helped to crash the Schiaparelli Mars probe

Blofeld's Cat
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FAIL

Re: Welcome to embedded system engineering

" I'm not sure that there's any reason deploying parachutes at a negative altitude."

I believe Wile E Coyote has done this on numerous occasions.

It appears to be the standard failure mode for parachutes according to the rules of comedy. The parachute then floats down and completely covers the lander-shaped hole in the Martian surface.

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Surveillance camera compromised in 98 seconds

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Yay for the apocalypse!

"Skynet may never get its chance!"

Indeed. Cue image of a terminator crunching his way across a field of sculls, just to enquire whether you would like a toasted teacake.

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Hyperloop One settles hangman lawsuit

Blofeld's Cat
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Also ...

Bambi and Thumper (Lola Larson and Trina Parks) in Diamonds Are Forever are both definitely female.

Perhaps not the best role model though ...

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What a bee-lief! UK's asian hornet outbreak is over ... for now

Blofeld's Cat
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Childcatcher

Re: What does this remind me of?

<daily wail> ... coming over here with their dark brown or black velvety abdomens and decapitating our bees, just so their pregnant queens can get nests ... </daily wail>

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DRAMA ON MARS: Curiosity bot fires laser at alien metal object

Blofeld's Cat
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"and isn't generating the neutrons it once was"

I am told that getting a hadron does become more difficult with age...

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Vatican and musicians at odds over appropriate use of crematorium leftovers

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

I intend leaving instructions that my remains, together with some specially commissioned artefacts, are interred in a manner designed to baffle future archaeologists.

"We don't know who he was, or why his ashes were placed in a concrete replica of a bouncy castle, and heaven knows what he did with that thing. We think it's probably a ritual object ..."

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Apple's Breaxit scandal: Frenchman smashes up €50,000 of iThings with his big metal balls

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

" ... stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball ... accompanied by someone videoing the scene ..."

Well that's this year's Turner Prize sorted out.

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What’s that Sooty? You want a girlfriend?

Blofeld's Cat
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Childcatcher

"and I think the little house knew something about it! Don't you?"

Ah those sweet, innocent days when "Muffin the Mule" was not a euphemism ...

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Blofeld's Cat
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A female panda if called a "sow" while a male is a "boar".

[slaps face] How the hell do I know this? Damned pub quiz questions distracting me when I should be concentrating on my drinking.

It's the anorak

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Dublin shopkeeper catches forecourt fouler with his pants down

Blofeld's Cat
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Er ...

Did he buy any of the loo roll - or just leave a deposit?

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Rosetta spacecraft set for smash landing

Blofeld's Cat
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Alien

Re: Contaminant detected

My first thought was "I wonder what the Clangers will make of that?".

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BOFH: There are no wrong answers, just wrong questions. Mmm, really wrong ones

Blofeld's Cat
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Pint

Ah...

This reminds me of the probably apocryphal story where someone was given a Rorschach test and responded with a sexual description for each inkblot.

At the end of the test the psychologist suggested he was obsessed by sex - to which the man replied:

"Me? You're the one with all the dirty pictures."

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Blofeld's Cat
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Re: 2B) or not.

'..."good news; you're not an axe murderer" ...'

Ah yes I remember going for interviews with all manner of these tests.

I don't know what the company got out of them, but they did warn you what to expect if you took the job.

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What a time to be alive: Nissan reveals self-driving chair

Blofeld's Cat
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Devil

Hmm...

Very interesting; but would these chairs survive being routed via the stairwell when BOFH mode is engaged?

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Ordinary punters will get squat from smart meters, reckons report

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

"We were assured that consumers will own their data and be able to decide who can access it."

If that assured you then I have a bridge you may be interested in buying.

"Wider questions about processes for anonymisation and the ethics of data usage and consent will need to be considered carefully by the Data Services Ethics Council being set up by the Government following our big data dilemma report."

Government ethics have been unfavourably compared with those of an incontinent dog on a croquet lawn.

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Disney rollercoaster helps pop out kidney stones

Blofeld's Cat
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Subhead ...

"We're not even taking the piss"

But are you taking the Mickey?

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BBC to demand logins for iPlayer in early 2017

Blofeld's Cat
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Right ...

"... it will not be used for enforcement purposes ..."

"The thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind" - Douglas Adams, HHGTTG

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Narcissist Heidi Powell wants her dot-com and she wants it now, now, NOW!

Blofeld's Cat
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Angel

Hmm...

There seem to be a few other appropriate domain names still available: heidipowell.fail, heidipowell.gripe, heidipowell.lol and heidipowell.wtf to name but a few.

I see that, somewhat surprisingly, heidipowell.fitness and heidipowell.coach are still available - at the moment ...

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Conviction by computer: Ministry of Justice wants defendants to plead guilty online

Blofeld's Cat
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Facepalm

Hmm...

"... and you are further charged with performing an illegal operation at ..."

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NASA starts countdown for Cassini probe's Saturn death dive

Blofeld's Cat
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Alien

Hmm...

"Humanity's throwing away three space probes in the next 18 months."

Could they not have just put them on Ebay?

"L@@K space probe. High mileage but all original parts. $1 - buyer collects"

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The next Bond – Basildon or Bass-Ass? YOU decide

Blofeld's Cat
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Mushroom

Hmm...

I don't really care who plays Bond as long as Eddie Izzard plays the villain.

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Second 'dimmer switch' star spotted

Blofeld's Cat
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So ...

"... watching the early business of planet formation ..."

Presumably the next stage is to look out for the spontaneous formation and demise of an innocent sperm whale and a bowl of petunias.

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It's OK to fine someone for repeating a historical fact, says Russian Supreme Court

Blofeld's Cat
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Re: Fact-checking, we've heard about it

"Just look up what 'Pravda' means and what the publication of that name was used for in the time of the USSR."

There was a popular saying at the time that there was "no truth in Pravda and no news in Izvestia".

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Intel bags FAA pass to fly 100-strong drone armadas over US soil

Blofeld's Cat
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Unhappy

Hmm...

So 100 strong drone armadas get a waiver, but a single balloon/rocket has to go through the whole assessment process.

Nothing to see here, citizen, move along ...

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Australian geoboffin discovers 3.7 billion year old fossils after ice melts

Blofeld's Cat
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Angel

Re: 6000 years

"I don't recall stromatolites being mentioned... did I miss those verses?"

I believe they got omitted at one of the early editorial meetings, but will probably get reinstated in the "Director's Cut"...

"OK lads we need to get this wrapped up - is it the "stromatolites" or the "Song of Solomon"? For what it's worth I like the pomegranates metaphor ..."

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