The most important thing about being on a bandwagon is to remember to get off before it becomes a tumbrel.
864 posts • joined 27 Jan 2010
The most important thing about being on a bandwagon is to remember to get off before it becomes a tumbrel.
"lately a bar steward on the Royal Yacht Britannia"
"Guess what tune is now in my head..."
Sorry m0rt, I couldn't resist it - Have one on me.
Many years ago I had the misfortune to work for an individual similar to Mr TOWF.
This wonderful example of humanity used to specialise in reducing people to tears over minor issues that were invariably his own fault, such as double-booking meeting rooms, or arranging to be in two locations simultaneously.
Eventually the atmosphere became so toxic that a number of people resigned, including myself. His response was to dismiss everyone who had resigned for "gross misconduct" and then to sue them for "damage to the business".
When this matter came up in court, (against the advice of Mr TOWF's original lawyers), the judge dismissed it "with prejudice" and awarded us costs, pointing out that no individual's contribution could be simultaneously "essential" and "of no worth" to the business.
Mr TOWF then responded by sacking his HR manager for "gross misconduct", on the grounds he had not prevented Mr TOWF from starting the legal action...
Not forgetting the queue of captains impulse buying confectionery and idly looking through the cheap CDs, as the admiral at the counter tries to remember his PIN and find his loyalty card.
In the words of the song:
Aha bidets are here again...
I have trained most people at our hollowed out volcano to respond to computer scam calls by saying, "I'll just transfer you to our IT department", and then hanging up the phone.
Nobody ever rings back.
Dark Helmet: "That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"
President Skroob:"That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage."
It's not often you get a chance to combine hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia, paraskevidekatriaphobia, stygiophobia, triskaidekaphobia and aviophobia on one occasion.
"... selling more than 3,000 copies of a key-logger program ... that was used to infect at least 16,000 machines ..."
This chap appears to be in need of a good lawyer - There are nearly 13,000 pirated copies of his software out there.
Er, no, hang on a minute ...
Quite right - they are a "A handful of euro 1 cent coins" according to the image's associated text.
Which sounds like an unsuccessful remake of one of Sergio Leone's spaghetti westerns...
"... Poker poses a far more difficult challenge than these games, as it requires a machine to make extremely complicated decisions based on incomplete information while contending with bluffs, slow play and other ploys ..."
"Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there's two alike that's pretty good, but if there's three alike that's much better? "
[Explaining why he had shot his opponent] "He was cheating and I can't abide a cheat. I'm a broad-minded man, gents, and I don't object to nine aces in one deck, but when a man lays down five aces in one hand... Besides, I know what I dealt him."
W C Fields, Tillie and Gus (1933)
OK, OK - It's the flying-jacket and goggles.
I was not aware that any futuristic vessel in a TV programme or film ever used fuses at all. Certainly the Seaview seemed to burn out most of its circuits every time the boat rocked.
"I once let a windoze admin that I did not care for go a whole week trying to find a replacement fuse for a server that was set for 110vac that he plugged into into a 220vac outlet."
A true BOFH would have handed him a specially turned piece of brass rod, painted to look like a fuse. That would have kept the "clumsy box" off the net for even longer.
Hopefully 2017 will be the year that LOHAN finally takes to the air.
Some other predictions [Gives psychic octopus a stir]:
Happy New Year!
"There is some consternation over the BoA move, which some see as just the latest effort by Battistelli to undermine and downplay the independent body."
This is obviously some definition of the word "independent", of which I was previously unaware.
Hopefully one day I'll be able to
drive be driven in an electric car through the tunnels of Mars.
Definitely time for that hollowed out volcano, Elon.
This appears to be another case where security is sacrificed for the sake of making the transaction more convenient to the buyer.
Our bank-issued card machine allows us to use a lower level of security (such as no address details) where the card is not present, but it is made very clear that we, rather than the bank, would be taking on the financial risk if the transaction proves fraudulent.
Presumably some of the major retailers (or their insurers) can absorb this risk - or have better deals with their bank.
You mean ...
CEO: "Good morning Mr Chairman, before we begin our trade negotiations, my board has instructed me to raise with you all the issues we have with your company's record on ethics and human rights. [5 seconds of silence] Having done that ...."
Inspector: "So did you see the president leave the room after his meeting with the particle physicists?"
Assistant: "No, but when I came in to get the post that was there."
Inspector: "I take it there wasn't a temporal rift in here yesterday."
Assistant: "Well there wasn't then, but there might be now."
Inspector: "[sighs] Ah. [calls out] Sergeant - when you've finished dusting those broken hadrons for prints, ask Dr Freeman to step in here for a moment ... [glances across room] ... and tell him to bring a crowbar."
I have read with interest the article your august journal has seen fit to publish about the plight of our Royal Navy.
It seems a mere blink or an eye ago that mighty vessels like the Dreadnought, Ark Royal and Troutbridge flew the White Ensign far and wide across the seven seas, while these days we seem to have insufficient vessels to patrol the Severn Estuary.
A mere 120 years ago, if one of the local potentates was getting a bit uppity, we would send three cruisers and a couple of gunboats to help along our diplomatic negotiations. Should the potentate fail to take our advice, then 45 minutes later the locals would be sweeping up the rubble, while we invoiced them for the ammunition used. Now we can barely send a whining note by rowing boat.
In my opinion our politicians should spend more time on naval manoeuvres and less time navel gazing.
Admiral Buckfast-Guzzler (retired)
"... have you mentioned your problems to the website? ..."
Yes. When the new ads first appeared I assumed there had been an error, and emailed them.
Their reply was essentially:
There are a couple of sites I use regularly where I have chosen to pay a small annual subscription to view them without advertisements.
One of these sites has recently started pushing increasingly intrusive "offers from our carefully chosen partners", which I believe to be simply greedy. Needless to say these offers cannot easily be disabled...
Guess who won't be getting their annual subscription renewed.
"... clients including politicians, actors, and wealthy individuals ... demanding up to 10 per cent of account balances paid in Bitcoin for the information to be withheld ..."
I suspect that some of these "wealthy individuals" might be able to seriously affect the
life expectancy career prospects of the hackers for considerably less than that.
" I'm not sure that there's any reason deploying parachutes at a negative altitude."
I believe Wile E Coyote has done this on numerous occasions.
It appears to be the standard failure mode for parachutes according to the rules of comedy. The parachute then floats down and completely covers the lander-shaped hole in the Martian surface.
"Skynet may never get its chance!"
Indeed. Cue image of a terminator crunching his way across a field of sculls, just to enquire whether you would like a toasted teacake.
Bambi and Thumper (Lola Larson and Trina Parks) in Diamonds Are Forever are both definitely female.
Perhaps not the best role model though ...
<daily wail> ... coming over here with their dark brown or black velvety abdomens and decapitating our bees, just so their pregnant queens can get nests ... </daily wail>
"and isn't generating the neutrons it once was"
I am told that getting a hadron does become more difficult with age...
I intend leaving instructions that my remains, together with some specially commissioned artefacts, are interred in a manner designed to baffle future archaeologists.
"We don't know who he was, or why his ashes were placed in a concrete replica of a bouncy castle, and heaven knows what he did with that thing. We think it's probably a ritual object ..."
" ... stormed into an Apple store and smashed up iPhones and MacBooks using a metal ball ... accompanied by someone videoing the scene ..."
Well that's this year's Turner Prize sorted out.
Ah those sweet, innocent days when "Muffin the Mule" was not a euphemism ...
A female panda if called a "sow" while a male is a "boar".
[slaps face] How the hell do I know this? Damned pub quiz questions distracting me when I should be concentrating on my drinking.
It's the anorak
Did he buy any of the loo roll - or just leave a deposit?
My first thought was "I wonder what the Clangers will make of that?".
This reminds me of the probably apocryphal story where someone was given a Rorschach test and responded with a sexual description for each inkblot.
At the end of the test the psychologist suggested he was obsessed by sex - to which the man replied:
"Me? You're the one with all the dirty pictures."
'..."good news; you're not an axe murderer" ...'
Ah yes I remember going for interviews with all manner of these tests.
I don't know what the company got out of them, but they did warn you what to expect if you took the job.
Very interesting; but would these chairs survive being routed via the stairwell when BOFH mode is engaged?
"We were assured that consumers will own their data and be able to decide who can access it."
If that assured you then I have a bridge you may be interested in buying.
"Wider questions about processes for anonymisation and the ethics of data usage and consent will need to be considered carefully by the Data Services Ethics Council being set up by the Government following our big data dilemma report."
Government ethics have been unfavourably compared with those of an incontinent dog on a croquet lawn.
"We're not even taking the piss"
But are you taking the Mickey?
"... it will not be used for enforcement purposes ..."
"The thought hadn't even begun to speculate about the merest possibility of crossing my mind" - Douglas Adams, HHGTTG
There seem to be a few other appropriate domain names still available: heidipowell.fail, heidipowell.gripe, heidipowell.lol and heidipowell.wtf to name but a few.
I see that, somewhat surprisingly, heidipowell.fitness and heidipowell.coach are still available - at the moment ...
"... and you are further charged with performing an illegal operation at ..."
"Humanity's throwing away three space probes in the next 18 months."
Could they not have just put them on Ebay?
"L@@K space probe. High mileage but all original parts. $1 - buyer collects"
I don't really care who plays Bond as long as Eddie Izzard plays the villain.
"... watching the early business of planet formation ..."
Presumably the next stage is to look out for the spontaneous formation and demise of an innocent sperm whale and a bowl of petunias.
"Just look up what 'Pravda' means and what the publication of that name was used for in the time of the USSR."
There was a popular saying at the time that there was "no truth in Pravda and no news in Izvestia".
So 100 strong drone armadas get a waiver, but a single balloon/rocket has to go through the whole assessment process.
Nothing to see here, citizen, move along ...
"I don't recall stromatolites being mentioned... did I miss those verses?"
I believe they got omitted at one of the early editorial meetings, but will probably get reinstated in the "Director's Cut"...
"OK lads we need to get this wrapped up - is it the "stromatolites" or the "Song of Solomon"? For what it's worth I like the pomegranates metaphor ..."