"grab a frame from the CCTV, use a face scan to find out your name"
Sod this for a game of soldiers - I'm wearing my full rubber gimp suit in public from now on!!!
1657 publicly visible posts • joined 11 Dec 2009
Boris reminds me of a clown. He's got the hair, he's got the general body language, he's even got the clothes half the time I see him! The only thing he is missing is the big red squidgy nose!
Ken just reminds me of a bad soap opera actor, you know the sort, I will say no more.
In the interests of impartiality you can see my insults for the all the other candidates on the BBC news website www.bbc.co.uk/londonidiotcontest2012
Bloody hell, can you imagine living in a converted PC World! That'd be mental! You'd decide to redecorate the flat and behind a layer of plasterboard discover loads of Windows 95 user manuals and overpriced printer cables in the wall cavity!
That will actually happen in 50 years time on an episode of Sarah Beanies Property Ladder if she's not dead from asbestos related illness caused by too many dodgy flat redevelopments by that time.
I would have said to her "what you know all the local peados? What do you hang round with them or something? Are you a member of their ring?!" and told her to fuck right off!
If however the situation called for a more polite response I would have informed her that I am not a nonce and that statistically most children are abused by people known to them so statistically speaking her kids are more likely to be abused by her than they are by me - and then told her to fuck right off!
Things like this happen because of the Daily Mail and other shit newspapers causing peadomania. Those sort of papers are so obsessed by the subject that frankly it makes me wonder! It fucks me off as I find their whole attitude abhorrent to those of us who have suffered at the hands of abusers in the past, they use something awful as a fucking marketing technique and in the process scare a load of thick people into thinking the world is crawling with Ian Huntleys. Hurry up and die print media, only thing its good for is wiping arses on!
It'd be cool if web pages had a reveal feature like teletext pages do (should I say did). El Reg writters could hide funny quips about Paris and such amongst their articles!
Maybe someone should invent a new HTML <reveal> tag and used in conjunction with <blink> and some oldskool fixed width fonts we could recreate the 70s-ness of Ceefax on the web once more!
Mines the one with the Fastext remote sticking out the pocket.
I like to pretend that the comments section is an RPG game* - up/downvotes are the experience points!
If you're getting downvoted to much then need to level up by posting a few obvious comments and jokes, it's what I do.
*I don't really pretend that, I effing hate RPGs I'd rather be forced to watch Piers Morgan's god awful US chatshow whist being waterboarded with Buckfast! I guess I'm just good at talking shit and the majority of people who bother to vote like it, I worry about the Register readership demographic at times frankly!
You've got a great point! Pixel-pasty-gate they will call it! The Prime minister will make a fool of himself when he's caught out claiming to have brought a virtual pasty in Second Life only to be told that "game" dosnt exist any more having been acquired by FaceYahoogleMicroSonyAppleCorp and closed down to make way for more Smurf berry servers!
I wouldn't be surprised if in ten years time here in the UK, the government or maybe the EU decides to deregulate paid-for the in game item market. Forget paying 4.99 for 50 Smurf berries, you can now buy 75 Tesco own brand Smurf berries for only 2.99!
Wouldn't surprise me at all if that sort of crazy crap happened as these in game purchases will probably be considered actual tangible "things" by then if they are not already.
We live in crazy times! I'm going to set myself up as a Smurf berry trader in the City. Mines the blue one with the red hat.
They used the same naming process used for XP and NT.
It's all rather simple. Get out an old dusty game of Scrabble from the back of junk cupboard. Shake the little bag of tiles about a bit and simply blindly choose two random tiles - there you have it!
Wndows 7 came about due to a blank tile and an upside down L
Trust me, Bill used to make many critical business decisions based on this method, and you gotta admit, it sort of works in a way!
"Can you lot shut the eff up please! ....I'm trying to Bing in here!"
"Miss, it's bad news I'm afraid. Your husband is into Bing!"
"Oi mate, can you Bing the train times for me? No I said Bing! What are you death?"
"The Register is a tech news site for 9-12 year-olds. Says so right on Bing, bitch!"
"Urm yes, police please. My neighbour is acting suspiciously......I overheard him saying he wanted to Bing himself!"
"I'm afraid you have tested positive for Bing!"
"It's not what you know, but who you Bing!"
"Sorry I'm late honey, I got Binged pretty bad on the freeway!"
"And I was all like - dude please, that is so 2008, and she was all like - duh, it was on Bing!"
"And this court finds you guilty of all charges. You are sentenced to twelve years hard Bing!"
"Bing goes the weasel!"
"Don't worry folks, the ambulance is on it's way no thanks to Bing!"
It's up to you, if you wanna be naked be Sandi's guest! Sandi won't mind, she's easy, trust me!
My best advice is to 1) go to sleep wearing running shoes unless you're a hardcore nudist and don't mind the feel of cobbles against your bare skin
2) Listen to News Quiz podcasts as suggested above
3) Eat plenty of Danish bacon and play with Lego 30 minuets before bedtime
4) Watch youtube clips of Call My Bluff and "Number 73" or whatever the frig its called from the mid 80s for some classic Sandi in her prime
5) Box of tissues on the bedside table is optional
One probalem with that.... weird dreams where you are chased down the High street naked by Sandi Toksvig!
Paris, cos she's a big fan of Sandi and I'd pay money (about £1.50) to see her be chased down Guildford High street by Ms Toksvig any-time! (well any-time except between 7.30am and 9am because that's when loading is allowed in the town centre so they'd be to many lorries and vans in the way and I wouldn't see the action!)
"But perhaps the device belongs in an ElReg Top Ten Medical Gadgets article"
That would actually be really cool! As someone who lived with a person who used loads of such gadgets I'd appreciate it!
Please El Reg masters do this, I want to know what the best sleep-apnea CPAP machine is and which bed-wetting alarm has the best iPhone app integration! I want to be told which stair-lift gets the thumps up (all the way to the second floor!) and which blood pressure monitor sets your heart racing!
I thought this was going to be a story about Walmart execs selecting a red,blue,green and yellow Google cheese from the cheeseboard for pudding at the annual Walmart conference executive luncheon!
You guys really know how to dress up a boring story as something, well not sexy, but cheesy at least!
"Since the MI5 website redirects to an SSL/TLS HTTPS-only version, they have effectively created a Denial of Service attack on themselves,"
They better bloody arrest themselves then and do some self waterboarding (instructions are available on certain adult websites) and then ask the US if they can be extradited and sent to gitmo.
Theirs is the orange boilersuit.
I heard that the pizza delivery bloke couldn't get through - he couldn't find the office and needed to call back for directions so sadly one perfectly good stuffed crust peperoni with extra cheese has gone to waste thanks to teampoison - not to mention the poor terror call centre workers had to make do with a pot-noodle for their lunch!
This sort of chaos never happened to the cones hotline back in the day!
"Apple is learning as they go" - they've been in this game a long time, I'd a thought they'd have a bloody clue by now!
"they are not professionals at malware/virus protection" - Clearly!
For the record I actually hate all those companies....
Google - for having a fucking stupid name.
Amazon - for having a fucking stupid name.
Samsung - for making noisy fridges.
Microsoft - for having a fucking stupid name and because one day they will probably make a Kinect enabled fridge and my bloody milk will go sour.
Apple - for having a fucking stupid name but they'd probably make a good fridge!
It would yes. Then the piss would go all over the iPhone and cause it stop working. The fanperson would then send it off to Apple for repair and be disappointed when greeted with the reply "Sorry but the little moisture sensor thingy inside the headphone jack has turned yellow - the Apple warranty dose not I am afraid cove piss related incidents"
Pint, because apart from ill health, pints are the leading cause of all piss related incidents in the home!
I have never heard of this game before so it comes as a cool surprise to find an interesting looking old game I know nothing about.
I must admit, and I'm not just making an obvious joke for once, I thought from the title it would be a Leisure Suit Larry style game with a frisky rabbit chap as the main character rather than a platformer. Jackrabbit sounds to me like a combination of the phrases "at it like rabbits" and "banging like a jack hammer" and of course jazz is an euphemism for porn - guess I just got a dirty mind though!
In twenty years time when those programmes are repeated, the young people of that future generation will piss themselves with laughter at how bloody stupid and primitive those old fondleslab thingies look to them. It's the same as how I nearly wet myself at footage of yuppies using mobile brick phones when ever I see some documentary about how shit the 80s was!
... have suffered intermittent service to the bank's website since this morning,
...well they're not that bloody Nationwide after-all then are they!
BOOM BOOM
If the interwebz existed in the 70s they'd be telling jokes like that down at the working men's club.