* Posts by hplasm

5610 publicly visible posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

Hipster disruptor? Never trust a well-groomed caveman with your clams

hplasm
Thumb Up

Awesome -

It builds nicely!*

Best Friday Evar!

Thumbs up for the BC refs, and all the rest!

* (See Spot.. See Spot Run...etc) :)

Support team discovers 'official' vendor paper doesn't rob you blind

hplasm
Coat

Re:One of my new classmates asked to borrow a rubber[0] ...

Child: Miss! I don't have an eraser...

New tracher: Just use that little girl's behind.

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: Common English words with very different meanings.....

"The things you learn about a foreign tongue."

Ooo- matron!

It's innuendoes all the way down. Well done!

Hey, IoT vendors. When a paediatric nurse tells you to fix security, you definitely screwed up

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: IoT - Talk about 'The blind leading the blind'....

"It turns out that the blind actually CAN lead the blind, if the smell of money is strong enough to guide them."

QOTW right there!

Mattel's Internet-of-kiddies'-Things Aristotle canned before release

hplasm
Coat

Re: Hi kids!

Oh good! An IT related story!

Azure fell over for 7 hours in Europe because someone accidentally set off the fire extinguishers

hplasm
Facepalm

Re: The Cloud...

"Other peoples computers you have no control over."

And neither, it seems, do they...

What is the probability of being drunk at work and also being tested? Let's find out! Correctly

hplasm
Devil

Depends what you do for a living:-

Bus driver - 100%

Banker - 0%

Home Secretary - Mandatory for the Job*. so -100%

*Or so it seems

Rosetta probe's final packets massaged into new snap of Comet 67P

hplasm
Happy

Rosetta had

a dashcam!

Sole Equifax security worker at fault for failed patch, says former CEO

hplasm
Holmes

Re: A sort of inverted honesty

Typo alert: "He has just proved beyond all possible doubt that he is a lying weasel." should have read "He has just proved beyond all possible doubt that he is a lying weasel AND THEREFORE that he is a candidate for promotion to upper management."

FTFY

Home Sec Amber Rudd: Yeah, I don't understand encryption. So what?

hplasm
Pint

Re:Remarkable: 209 comments

Do you think that might make her think?

hplasm
Facepalm

Her name's Amber -

Filled with fossilised thinking.

hplasm
Holmes

Re: Objects in mirror are sneerer than they appear.

In the case of politician's mirrors:

Objects in mirror are thickerthan they appear.

ISIS and Jack Daniel's: One of these things is not like the other

hplasm
Devil

Did that flag win first prize in a kids drawing contest?

It was a drawing of the JD label, done by a drunken Daeshbag.

Aieee! Firewater!

Microsoft shows off Windows 10 Second Li, er, Mixed Reality

hplasm
Happy

Re: Windows 10 Fall Creators Update

Anyone else read that as "Windows 10 Fail Creators Update" ?

Yep -everytime. But is it a typo, or does fall mean fall, as opposed to Autumn.

Or is 'fall' the typo?

Enquiring minds say meh.

Oath-my-God: THREE! BILLION! Yahoo! accounts! hacked! in! 2013! – not! 'just!' 1bn!

hplasm
Headmaster

Re: Yahoo!

Is still a thing?

Yahoo. Noun: a rude, noisy, or violent person. One who is paid $55M to drag a company down.

hplasm
Happy

Re: considerably biggest discount.

Or you can have it for free and we will throw in this sandwich list of user accounts.

Computers4Christians miraculously appears on Ubuntu wiki

hplasm
Devil

"Vandalism is fundamentally incompatible with the teachings of Christ."

Romanes eunt domus!

hplasm
FAIL

Re: Direct link to Deity

"Look not at the religion itself but on the effect it has on those who believe in it".

They sometimes explode.

Thomas the Tank Engine lobotomised by fat (remote) controller

hplasm
Happy

Re: High self opinion?

Is that $358,000 for 214 houses, though?

We went to Nadella's launch of Hit Refresh so you didn't have to

hplasm
Devil

Re: Will it be viewed cynically as corporate propaganda?

"The baby lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun... but you're not helping. Why aren't you helping?"

A. Grr! Kill... </replicant noises>

B. It has red glowing eyes - that sort of 'fallen' - would you pick it up?

Musk: Come ride my Big F**king Rocket to Mars

hplasm
FAIL

Re: Dear Mr Musk

Are you offering to give up your place for him, seat warmer?

Drunk canoeing no longer driving offence in Canada

hplasm
Headmaster

Re: Really?

Arty; You dropped this ---->

Alleged dark web drug baron cuffed – after he flew to US for World Beard Championships

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: United States of Arrest

"United States of Arrest"

Ooh - I'm having that!

Is this cough cancer, doc? No: it's a case of Playmobil on the lung

hplasm
Coat

@Anon Y. Mous

Still waiting-

no change yet!

EasyJet: We'll have electric airliners within the next decade

hplasm
Paris Hilton

LOL?

Lift Off. Land.

hplasm
Headmaster

Re: Well....

But what could they sell?

SQL Server 2017: What's new, what's missing on Linux, and what's next?

hplasm
Happy

Re: Half a database, sounds fab...

Picture a horse, on a treadmill, in a car.

How odd.

Deloitte is a sitting duck: Key systems with RDP open, VPN and proxy 'login details leaked'

hplasm
Holmes

"A lot of poor IT staff just lost their weekend and evenings for a while."

Because of their poor grasp of IT. Particularly securing it.

Shame.

Dyson to build electric car that doesn't suck

hplasm
Unhappy

Re: I'd trust the build quality

"My grandmother's Electrolux turned 50 a few years ago and is still going strong. That's build quality."

Not any more:-

"Of the 855 fridge-freezer fires recorded by the fire and rescue services, ... Indesit, Bosch, Electrolux,.."

hplasm
Happy

Re: Prediction

"It will have two huge ball tyres and pivot in the middle to get into hard to reach parking places."

Now I want one!

hplasm
Devil

Re: You miserablists

"Exactly how successful does an engineer have to be in Britain before you lot will be positive about them?"

Probably all DevOps. Not allowed screwdrivers.

El Reg is hiring an intern. Apply now before it closes

hplasm
Coat

Re: Could you ask the eventually successful candidate...

"I thought I cleared this one up, it's diode-sign."

That's rectified that, then.

hplasm
Terminator

Re: Telecommuting

"The intern has to be on site to refill the water cooler."

The intern has to be on site to have his brain removed and placed into the water cooler.

Which he/she will the refill via IoT technothingies.

Wirelessly*

Muhahaha.

I'm onto you, El Reg...

*Hidden SSID- because security, natch ;) (sic)

Twitter to upgrade from micro-blogging to milli-blogging with 280 chars

hplasm
Thumb Up

Come on, Reg...

"In true enterprise IT fashion, El Reg will tweet 141 to 280-character tweets as two 140 character tweets for backwards compatibility reasons"

Only if the second half is in reverse, to make an unreadable palindrome...

Make it sew!

Equifax CEO falls on his sword weeks after credit biz admits mega-breach

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: swords aren't what they used to be

"There really needs to be a term for this: haha kiri, perhaps."

Seppfukyu ?

My name is Bill Gates and I am an Android user

hplasm
Happy

Re: "it should be shoved down his throat"

"Some other less considerate commentards might have suggested different, er, I/O ports to be used..."

You mean back where it came from...?

hplasm
Facepalm

Re: Thriller

"It’s great to see that it has vision and has stopped blindly bumping into walls and trying to shoot its own feet off."

Now it can finally aim and succeeds in shooting its own feet off.

Every shot a bullseye.

Boeing slams $2m on the desk, bellows: Now where's my jetpack?

hplasm
Happy

Rocketeer.

Obviously the prize will go to the entry with the best hat.

hplasm
Boffin

"Does that include the morbidly obese?"

Anything will fly if you add enough enough propellors!

Professor E.

White House staffers jabbed with probe over private email use

hplasm
Facepalm

Re: Getting a whole lot done?

A whole lot done - in 140 characters or fewer...

After Microsoft calls out HP Inc over stalled Windows 10 logins, HP bounces back with a fix

hplasm
Gimp

Re: I was hoping...

"yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

Updates and reboots still keeping you up?

Limp Weiner to get 21 months in the hole

hplasm
Headmaster

Re: Weiner's Weiner Problem

Stricktly speaking, Weiner's Wiener Problem

Microsoft: We've made a coding language for a quantum computer that may or may not exist

hplasm
Terminator

Re: "...Raising the hope of fixing climate change by working out how to absorb carbon"

"No quantum computer is going to figure out how to stop stupid."

Skynet?

Latest Linux kernel release candidate was a sticky mess

hplasm
Gimp

Lights the touch paper and sits back!

Fizzle.

Phut.

Boffins take biometric logins to heart, literally: Cardiac radar IDs users to unlock their PCs

hplasm
Boffin

So- an office full of these...

...and no WiFi any more.

(Note that WiFi doesn't interfere with these things. Just like Powerline Ethernet...)

Microsoft sparks up Ignite with fresh Azure, Office 365 features

hplasm
Devil

Re: The future is now!

"One Graph API to rule them all!"

eek! Don't bring graphs into this... this means...powerpoint!

Shock! Hackers for medieval caliphate are terrible coders

hplasm
Happy

Silky!

Mujahideen's Secrets was basically just a branding operation for their slinky underwear emblazoned with wise Daesh sayings and sketchy Powershell scripts in Arabic".

Better.

hplasm
Joke

If they fail online, do they still get 72 virgins?

All pudgy, pale, male D&D fans...

Brit chip design company Imagination Tech sold to China-linked private equity

hplasm
Headmaster

Re: Balls.

"Knew should of bought some shares before they were sold."

...

Microsoft reveals details of flagship London store within spitting distance from Apple's

hplasm
Coat

Re: Doubleplus-Meh

"Actually a Dyson shop would probably have more allure."

And would have more technology. And it would suck less...

<edit> Dammit, Grumpenkraut! :)