* Posts by hplasm

5610 publicly visible posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

USB stick found in West London contained Heathrow security data

hplasm
Facepalm

“Heathrow remains secure”

"England prevails"

"Olympus London has fallen."

F-35s grounded by spares shortage

hplasm
Coat

Re: Let's make planes that can't fly......

These could be the 1st Genration of 'Peace Planes'.

Boss put chocolate cake on aircon controller, to stop people using it

hplasm
Mushroom

Erm 2...

I think the part where it's the Company Directors' junk would imply the best reason to be a dick.

Play them at their own game.

BOFH: Do I smell burning toes, I mean burning toast?

hplasm
Happy

Re: !!!!!!

"You might need to start a class action.

I'll send the target sign to hang around your neck... avoid the basement.

HMRC boss defends shift to AWS, says they got 50% knocked off

hplasm
Devil

A darker shade of dark

"Is Amazon the only one who can handle its cloudy needs? No, there is one other..."

On the Dark Side.

Canucks have beef with Soylent as to whether or not it's a real meal deal

hplasm
Alert

Re: Mystifying...

... And then, one day, The Machine Stops...

Malware hidden in vid app is so nasty, victims should wipe their Macs

hplasm
Happy

Re: FAKE NEWS

You're thinking that apples get worms, right?

hplasm
Happy

Re: Macs and PCs aren't so very different

"I don't know that!"

AAAAAaaaaaaaa!

Ubuntu 17.10: We're coming GNOME! Plenty that's Artful in Aardvark, with a few Wayland wails

hplasm
Coat

Re: Gun, meet foot.

Refuse Wayland!

Next will come David, then AVP - nobody wants that.

Don't install Yutani either...

Your data will get hacked anyway so you might as well give up protecting it

hplasm
Happy

Re: Dungeness

"...slapping each other about the head with giant rubber willies, while shouting in latin."

Isn't that Eton?

Japan finds long, deep tunnel on the Moon

hplasm
Coat

Re: Bora! Bora! Bora!

So that's where all the VW's are going...

Survey: Tech workers are terrified they will be sacked for being too old

hplasm
Thumb Up

Re: Translation

This ^^^

You can yacht be serious: Larry might be planning his own version of America’s Cup

hplasm
Meh

Only one rule:

1. All yachts and teams to be owned by Oracle.

Yes, British F-35 engines must be sent to Turkey for overhaul

hplasm
Coat

Re: Well that's just great.

"Outsourcing defence contracts to a country already halfway toward becoming yet another third-world theocratic shithole."

The US?

What the fdisk? Storage Spaces Direct just vanished from Windows Server in version 1709

hplasm
Holmes

Re: Hmmm...

"What's their angle here?"

Usually 180 degrees.

Microsoft Azure ████ secret ██ █████ ██ US govt's ███ ███ centers

hplasm
Happy

"...the blue collection of holes held together by string."

AKA Blue string pudding!

Ex-TalkTalk chief grilled by MPs on suitability to chair NHS Improvement

hplasm
Stop

Whelk stall???

"Can someone find her a whelk stall, although that might be beyond her capabilities."

Are you looking to get food poisoning?

No, the FCC can't shut down TV stations just because Donald Trump is mad at the news

hplasm
Unhappy

Re: The film "Idiocracy"

"... it pretty much descends into a series of "American Pie" style dick and fart jokes."

It here being real life.

hplasm
Happy

Re: Actually

"Yeah. All the cool kids reference Stalin instead."

But Stalin has neater hair.

Wait- so does Hitler...

Don't mention the 'tashes... or lack of.

Capgemini: We love our 'flexible, flowing' spade

hplasm
Facepalm

This isn't just a spade...

It's a PR shit-shifting spade!

Argh, my loafer just fell down the rope ladder! Yes, I'm in the Microsoft treehouse

hplasm
Happy

Close...

It's a quaint idea but I think they are barking.

There you go.

hplasm
Coat

"But hey, if you like nature...

... and aren't afraid of heights or bugs, fill your boots."

Well, MS don't seem to be afraid of bugs...

The Google Home Mini: Great, right up until you want to smash it in fury

hplasm
Unhappy

"whatever you want to use?"

"Oi, you! Useless piece of shit!! Are you listening? ARE YOU!!?? Grrrrr...

hplasm
Facepalm

With lots and lots of apathy.

True. Peak stupid is approaching.

At leat I hope it's a peak, not an asymptote...

hplasm
Alien

He's been assimilated. He is now lost to Humanity.

Username suggests he lives in Innsmouth... so yes.

Ernst & Young slapped with £1.8 MEEEELLION fine for crap accounting

hplasm
Devil

Re: Rather than a fine ..

Why not both?

With jam on.

US Congress mulls first 'hack back' revenge law. And yup, you can guess what it'll let people do

hplasm
Devil

Re: THE IT-TEAM!!!

...if you can find them....maybe you can hire The IT-Crowd.

Reality bites...

hplasm
Facepalm

Re: American Logic

Zeroth Law:

If we all have more stupid, there will be less intelligence.

Microsoft faces Dutch crunch over Windows 10 private data slurp

hplasm
Windows

Re: Much a do

Has someone just turned a cow inside out? I can smell something...

hplasm
Gimp

Re: Blaming North Korea?

"So what happens when you need to open a very formatted MS Office documents." (sic)

Send it back, tell them it's broken, and to use a decent open document format.

Culture, schmulture. DevOps, agile need to be software-first again

hplasm
Coat

FTFY!

"In the tech industry, we're never really sure which is more important: the tool, or how tools use the tool."

I love disruptive computer jargon. It's so very William Burroughs

hplasm
Coat

Re: >> You have to make it interesting or you'd blow your brains out

"no, no! Don't shoot yourself!"

"Shutit! You're next!"

hplasm
Angel

Re: For further confusion ...

Look out! Incoming stones!

Blashphemer!

hplasm
Happy

Re: tagnut of technobollox

"Are they in anyway related to dangleberries of drivel?"

They share an adjacency, yes.

hplasm
Unhappy

Agreed!

"It's a bit like the official change from "cycles per second" to "Hertz" - an apparently unnecessary way of obfuscating a simple measurement."

q.v Mho - Siemens

Not obvious now...

hplasm
Meh

Gif.

Don't get this - how can G(raphics) be pronounced as JIF.

Don't use Jraffics for anything...

Wilhite is wronj!

Top of the radio charts: Jodrell Bank goes for UNESCO World Heritage status

hplasm
Coat

Re: Quasers?

Set Quasers on stub, Mr Spork!

Star Trek :Dyslexia

'There has never been a right to absolute privacy' – US Deputy AG slams 'warrant-proof' crypto

hplasm
Big Brother

No right to privacy?

If the 1st amendment fails to protect in this case, surely such government overreach is what the 2nd is for?

Or is it just to have guns for the sake of them?

Cortana, please finish my sentences in Skype texts for me

hplasm
Coat

Re: I hate eloquence

That's not eloquence.

That's a hypotenuse.

hplasm
Devil

Re: Let's see how it works...

Ok!

"Hey Cortana- why don't you stick your head up your.. "

Three words: Synthetic gene circuit. Self-assembling bacteria build pressure sensor

hplasm
Terminator

"a synthetic biologist"

Science Officer Ash is a goddamn robot!

Calm down, Elon. Deep learning won't make AI generally intelligent

hplasm
Happy

Re: Start with the baby steps

Artificial Intelligence is an illusion.

Human Intelligence doubly so...

How many times can Microsoft kill Mobile?

hplasm
Happy

Re: Cue Python sketch

" Where is the decent phone at a decent price that does what I need?"

Have you tried one with a rotary dial?

Is that a bulge in your pocket or... do you have an iPhone 8+? Apple's batteries look swell

hplasm
Facepalm

Re: Obligatory

"So I couldn’t really care less about svelte."

Nor the whoosh! sound of the expanding battery, it seems.

hplasm
Paris Hilton

Re: Obligatory

Have some sympathy - he's worried that his IPho is not quite as svelte and slender as when they first met...

Moon trumps Mars in new US space policy

hplasm
Happy

I'm hoping for a giant Trump head in orbit with megawatt lasers in the eyes.

But that would lead to a Sean Connery type in a thong...

My eyes!

hplasm
Gimp

The Moon is a harsh mistress.

Politicians have heard this, and it has whetted their appetites...

Icon obvious.

Microsoft silently fixes security holes in Windows 10 – dumps Win 7, 8 out in the cold

hplasm
Gimp

(and they do, believe me)

Your posting pro-windows history makes me doubt your veracity.

Hipster disruptor? Never trust a well-groomed caveman with your clams

hplasm
Happy

Re: Beer o'clock at Wiley's Bar, anyone?

"Some days, you just know you shouldn't have got out of bed."

I call them weekdays.

Blade Runner 2049: Back to the Future – the movies that showed us what's to come

hplasm
Big Brother

Re: V for Vendetta, 1984 etc.

Brazil.

When is that set, in the scheme of things...