* Posts by hplasm

4659 posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

What is the probability of being drunk at work and also being tested? Let's find out! Correctly

hplasm
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Devil

Depends what you do for a living:-

Bus driver - 100%

Banker - 0%

Home Secretary - Mandatory for the Job*. so -100%

*Or so it seems

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Rosetta probe's final packets massaged into new snap of Comet 67P

hplasm
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Happy

Rosetta had

a dashcam!

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Sole Equifax security worker at fault for failed patch, says former CEO

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: A sort of inverted honesty

Typo alert: "He has just proved beyond all possible doubt that he is a lying weasel." should have read "He has just proved beyond all possible doubt that he is a lying weasel AND THEREFORE that he is a candidate for promotion to upper management."

FTFY

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Home Sec Amber Rudd: Yeah, I don't understand encryption. So what?

hplasm
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Pint

Re:Remarkable: 209 comments

Do you think that might make her think?

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hplasm
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Facepalm

Her name's Amber -

Filled with fossilised thinking.

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hplasm
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Holmes

Re: Objects in mirror are sneerer than they appear.

In the case of politician's mirrors:

Objects in mirror are thickerthan they appear.

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ISIS and Jack Daniel's: One of these things is not like the other

hplasm
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Devil

Did that flag win first prize in a kids drawing contest?

It was a drawing of the JD label, done by a drunken Daeshbag.

Aieee! Firewater!

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Microsoft shows off Windows 10 Second Li, er, Mixed Reality

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Windows 10 Fall Creators Update

Anyone else read that as "Windows 10 Fail Creators Update" ?

Yep -everytime. But is it a typo, or does fall mean fall, as opposed to Autumn.

Or is 'fall' the typo?

Enquiring minds say meh.

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Oath-my-God: THREE! BILLION! Yahoo! accounts! hacked! in! 2013! – not! 'just!' 1bn!

hplasm
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Headmaster

Re: Yahoo!

Is still a thing?

Yahoo. Noun: a rude, noisy, or violent person. One who is paid $55M to drag a company down.

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: considerably biggest discount.

Or you can have it for free and we will throw in this sandwich list of user accounts.

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Computers4Christians miraculously appears on Ubuntu wiki

hplasm
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Devil

"Vandalism is fundamentally incompatible with the teachings of Christ."

Romanes eunt domus!

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hplasm
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FAIL

Re: Direct link to Deity

"Look not at the religion itself but on the effect it has on those who believe in it".

They sometimes explode.

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Thomas the Tank Engine lobotomised by fat (remote) controller

hplasm
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Happy

Re: High self opinion?

Is that $358,000 for 214 houses, though?

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We went to Nadella's launch of Hit Refresh so you didn't have to

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Will it be viewed cynically as corporate propaganda?

"The baby lies on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun... but you're not helping. Why aren't you helping?"

A. Grr! Kill... </replicant noises>

B. It has red glowing eyes - that sort of 'fallen' - would you pick it up?

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Musk: Come ride my Big F**king Rocket to Mars

hplasm
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FAIL

Re: Dear Mr Musk

Are you offering to give up your place for him, seat warmer?

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Drunk canoeing no longer driving offence in Canada

hplasm
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Headmaster

Re: Really?

Arty; You dropped this ---->

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Alleged dark web drug baron cuffed – after he flew to US for World Beard Championships

hplasm
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Thumb Up

Re: United States of Arrest

"United States of Arrest"

Ooh - I'm having that!

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Is this cough cancer, doc? No: it's a case of Playmobil on the lung

hplasm
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Coat

@Anon Y. Mous

Still waiting-

no change yet!

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EasyJet: We'll have electric airliners within the next decade

hplasm
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Paris Hilton

LOL?

Lift Off. Land.

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hplasm
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Headmaster

Re: Well....

But what could they sell?

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SQL Server 2017: What's new, what's missing on Linux, and what's next?

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Half a database, sounds fab...

Picture a horse, on a treadmill, in a car.

How odd.

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Deloitte is a sitting duck: Key systems with RDP open, VPN and proxy 'login details leaked'

hplasm
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Holmes

"A lot of poor IT staff just lost their weekend and evenings for a while."

Because of their poor grasp of IT. Particularly securing it.

Shame.

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Dyson to build electric car that doesn't suck

hplasm
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Unhappy

Re: I'd trust the build quality

"My grandmother's Electrolux turned 50 a few years ago and is still going strong. That's build quality."

Not any more:-

"Of the 855 fridge-freezer fires recorded by the fire and rescue services, ... Indesit, Bosch, Electrolux,.."

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: Prediction

"It will have two huge ball tyres and pivot in the middle to get into hard to reach parking places."

Now I want one!

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hplasm
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Devil

Re: You miserablists

"Exactly how successful does an engineer have to be in Britain before you lot will be positive about them?"

Probably all DevOps. Not allowed screwdrivers.

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El Reg is hiring an intern. Apply now before it closes

hplasm
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Coat

Re: Could you ask the eventually successful candidate...

"I thought I cleared this one up, it's diode-sign."

That's rectified that, then.

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hplasm
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Terminator

Re: Telecommuting

"The intern has to be on site to refill the water cooler."

The intern has to be on site to have his brain removed and placed into the water cooler.

Which he/she will the refill via IoT technothingies.

Wirelessly*

Muhahaha.

I'm onto you, El Reg...

*Hidden SSID- because security, natch ;) (sic)

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Twitter to upgrade from micro-blogging to milli-blogging with 280 chars

hplasm
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Come on, Reg...

"In true enterprise IT fashion, El Reg will tweet 141 to 280-character tweets as two 140 character tweets for backwards compatibility reasons"

Only if the second half is in reverse, to make an unreadable palindrome...

Make it sew!

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Equifax CEO falls on his sword weeks after credit biz admits mega-breach

hplasm
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Re: swords aren't what they used to be

"There really needs to be a term for this: haha kiri, perhaps."

Seppfukyu ?

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My name is Bill Gates and I am an Android user

hplasm
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Happy

Re: "it should be shoved down his throat"

"Some other less considerate commentards might have suggested different, er, I/O ports to be used..."

You mean back where it came from...?

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hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: Thriller

"It’s great to see that it has vision and has stopped blindly bumping into walls and trying to shoot its own feet off."

Now it can finally aim and succeeds in shooting its own feet off.

Every shot a bullseye.

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Boeing slams $2m on the desk, bellows: Now where's my jetpack?

hplasm
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Happy

Rocketeer.

Obviously the prize will go to the entry with the best hat.

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hplasm
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Boffin

"Does that include the morbidly obese?"

Anything will fly if you add enough enough propellors!

Professor E.

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White House staffers jabbed with probe over private email use

hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: Getting a whole lot done?

A whole lot done - in 140 characters or fewer...

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After Microsoft calls out HP Inc over stalled Windows 10 logins, HP bounces back with a fix

hplasm
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Gimp

Re: I was hoping...

"yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

Updates and reboots still keeping you up?

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Limp Weiner to get 21 months in the hole

hplasm
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Headmaster

Re: Weiner's Weiner Problem

Stricktly speaking, Weiner's Wiener Problem

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Microsoft: We've made a coding language for a quantum computer that may or may not exist

hplasm
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Terminator

Re: "...Raising the hope of fixing climate change by working out how to absorb carbon"

"No quantum computer is going to figure out how to stop stupid."

Skynet?

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Latest Linux kernel release candidate was a sticky mess

hplasm
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Gimp

Lights the touch paper and sits back!

Fizzle.

Phut.

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Boffins take biometric logins to heart, literally: Cardiac radar IDs users to unlock their PCs

hplasm
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Boffin

So- an office full of these...

...and no WiFi any more.

(Note that WiFi doesn't interfere with these things. Just like Powerline Ethernet...)

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Microsoft sparks up Ignite with fresh Azure, Office 365 features

hplasm
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Devil

Re: The future is now!

"One Graph API to rule them all!"

eek! Don't bring graphs into this... this means...powerpoint!

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Shock! Hackers for medieval caliphate are terrible coders

hplasm
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Happy

Silky!

Mujahideen's Secrets was basically just a branding operation for their slinky underwear emblazoned with wise Daesh sayings and sketchy Powershell scripts in Arabic".

Better.

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hplasm
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Joke

If they fail online, do they still get 72 virgins?

All pudgy, pale, male D&D fans...

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Brit chip design company Imagination Tech sold to China-linked private equity

hplasm
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Headmaster

Re: Balls.

"Knew should of bought some shares before they were sold."

...

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Microsoft reveals details of flagship London store within spitting distance from Apple's

hplasm
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Coat

Re: Doubleplus-Meh

"Actually a Dyson shop would probably have more allure."

And would have more technology. And it would suck less...

<edit> Dammit, Grumpenkraut! :)

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Ah, good ol' Windows update cycles... Wait, before anything else, check your hardware

hplasm
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Thumb Down

Shill shit.

Tut Tut.

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You lost your ballpoint pen, Slack? Why's your Linux version unsigned?

hplasm
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Windows

Re: To quote...

As you are fond of saying-

"yaaaaaaawnnnn"

You need new material.

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Behold, says robo-mall-cop maker: Our crime-busting dune buggy packed with spy gear

hplasm
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Joke

Finally-

A proper target for all those guns...

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Microsoft's AI is so good it steered Renault into bottom of the F1 league

hplasm
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Holmes

"It will be a completely brand new experience for the fans."

But not, I suspect, a very satisfying one...

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NASA Earthonauts emerge from eight-month isolation in simulated Mars visit

hplasm
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Happy

I'm trying to figure out why else they'd need a "British science" officer.

He's the one that turns evil - the accent is the clue.

<spoiler> Also is a robot.

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New HMRC IT boss to 'recuse' herself over Microsoft decisions

hplasm
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Meh

Re: £180,000 per annum role

So we will be supplying her coffee and nothing else?

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