* Posts by hplasm

5213 posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

SQLite creator crucified after code of conduct warns devs to love God, and not kill, commit adultery, steal, curse...

hplasm
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Happy

Re: I have a code of conduct

"And you'd fail the training course for you've used the word "dick" which is both offensive and sexist."

Don't be an organ!

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I ship you knot: 2,400-year-old Greek trading vessel found intact at bottom of Black Sea

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Wood floats...

"......I still cannot understand how a wooden ship can ever sink!"

It will sink of carefully filled with water by Capricious goats gods., apparently.

Classical education do not be what once it may have.

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Zip it! 3 more reasons to be glad you didn't jump on Windows 10 1809

hplasm
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Facepalm

Well the Unicode problem is easily explained-

It's so that the poor sods that use this abomination can't use the Pile O' Poo emoji in all of their posts about just what a Pile O' Poo it actually is!

#GiantPileOfShit

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From dank memes to Krispy Kremes: British uni eggheads claim viral lol pics make kids fat

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Dear El Reg, as you are a British .co.uk site

"'Digestives'...

This sounds like something that helps you shit - not a damn cookie...""

that's because they are a Biscuit.

Bloody Colonists and their squishy flat buns...

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UK defence secretary ponders £50m hit to terminate Capita recruiting contract

hplasm
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Devil

Re: "Don't government contracts have some sort of get-out clause"

"Cats and dogs really do mix as long as they are integrated properly."

Sounds like a good test for Capita et al.

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Microsoft points to a golden future where you can make Windows 10 your own

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Commerce

"It's turning into an MS Franken Chimera of Chrome OS and Android."

It's the bits that ChromeoS and Android reject, that makes Windows X the best!!

/jingle

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Brace yourself, Britain: Health minister shares 'vision' for NHS 'tech revolution'

hplasm
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Re: "Health minister shares 'vision'..."

"'Channel tunnel vision'"

Nailed it!

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Once more with feeling: Windows 10 October 2018 Update inches closer to relaunch

hplasm
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Linux

Re: A powerful sense of dread

"Does Linux give you some allergy or something?"

Marsupials are scared of advanced technology..

And penguins.

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Microsoft Surface to die in 2019? Not while Redmond keeps making it, er, blush

hplasm
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Windows

Re: Surface phone?

"I demand a third (smart) option."

From Microsoft?

Hahaha.

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In Windows 10 Update land, nobody can hear you scream

hplasm
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Mushroom

Re: Do you people work in I.T?

And you either don't work in IT, or don't work in IT- ie a PHB.

Sod off you troll.

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hplasm
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Re: What is new about this update?

Bug Tuesday!

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AI's next battlefield is literally the battlefield: In 20 years, bots will fight our wars – Army boffin

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: AI ? We don't need no steenking AI.

"Yeah, about that - it always honestly puzzled me."

Instructions for US grunts...in the darkness.

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hplasm
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Re: Humans will always have the most important battlefield role

"Forever Peace, by Haldemann, explores just these concepts."

The Forever War, also by Haldemann, shows just how the bullshit starts wars (eventually.) and is a recommenced read first.

As most commentards are probably aware...

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hplasm
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Terminator

Any REAL AI-

Would have enough I to say

"Fight a war? For you? No thanks."

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Cabinet Office: Forget about Verify – look at our 3,000 designers (and 56 meetups)

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: Doug Adams was right

"the B Ark is much bigger than we ever imagined."

Planet earth sized, it seems sometimes...

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It is 2018 and the NHS is still counting the cost of WannaCry. Carry the 2, + aftermath... um... £92m

hplasm
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Meh

£150m deal was signed with Microsoft to update systems to Windows 10

Ah! Goodmoney!- Badmoney went that way. Quickly now!

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Shortages, price rises, recession: Tech industry preps for hard Brexit

hplasm
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Meh

Ha Ha sodding Ha.

You must be kidding.

Of course prices will go up- no matter what happens, in or out, hard or soft.

Any excuse.

And the sorry shower of bastards that are supposed to represent us don't give a hoot, as it doesn't affect their money one tiny bit.

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With sorry Soyuz stuffed, who's going to run NASA's space station taxi service now?

hplasm
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Re: Dirac shield

""Dirac Hole generator"

Aha! I have one of those for my Dremel tool!

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hplasm
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Re: Still mad about the Shuttle program...

"complexophant"

This is my word now!

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Microsoft Windows 10 October update giving HP users BSOD

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: Shove It Out The Door

"Something has gone very wrong."

Beancounters.

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Hunt for Planet X finds yet another planetoid, just not the right one

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Neandertahls gone extinct.

"Well if my SO (on a bad week/day) is to be believed we've not all gone extinct."

They do say they may have been the brighter ones, if that's any consolation...

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US mobe owners will get presidential text message at 2:18 pm Eastern Time

hplasm
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Mushroom

Re: Yep

"Not sure why it needed to be called the "Presidential" warning test. That part is kind of spooky."

Warning!:- have you seen what you have for a President?

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US may have by far the world's biggest military budget but it's not showing in security

hplasm
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Meh

Re: Outsourcing

Meh.

Do a half-assed job- it's the American way!

/Homer

And extradite anyone who takes advantage of it...

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Microsoft Surface Pro 4 owners: So, about that other broken update…

hplasm
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Devil

.Apparently I'm at risk of spreading malware because of it.

---and doing Microsoft developers out of a job!!!

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hplasm
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Devil

And yet people still spend silly money on the things.

They look good, on the surface.

And people are shallow.

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The Obama-era cyber détente with China was nice, wasn't it? Yeah well it's obviously over now

hplasm
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Re: China

But enough about the US...

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Huge ice blades on Jupiter’s Europa will make it a right pain in the ASCII to land on

hplasm
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Happy

Re: RE: Icebreaker

"Spacey McSpaceface?"

Spikey McSpikearse.

Oh sorry, that's the hedgehog again.

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave me tea... pigs-in-blankets-flavoured tea

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Failed my endurance test

"Kids hate them, adults learn to endure them "

Kids call them things like King Kong's Snotballs...

just sayin'

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: What's in a name?

Brexit Sprouts.

Some like them, some don't...

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hplasm
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Devil

Re: Tea

"I have a friend who drinks boiling water with milk in it!"

See if he likes it with lemon...

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: Crimble Free Zone?

Bah. Everton Mints!

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hplasm
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Re: Christmas is essentially Page 71 of the Brand New Monty Python Bok

"techno polka bagpipe music! "

Your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter and Soundcloud.

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hplasm
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Unhappy

Re: Sprouts

...are an Abomination Unto Nuggan!

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SpaceX touches down in California as Voyager 2 spies interstellar space

hplasm
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Big Brother

Re: No more planets?

"Rebel propaganda. Alderaan never existed in the first place!"

Alderaan ? A planet? Nah- like the Rebellion, it has always just been a loose aggregation of sharp-edged fragments!

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hplasm
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Unhappy

Re: Lack of Astonish!

"car safety has noticeably improved every year"

To make up for the fall in driving skill/attention/giveashitability.

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Uncle Sam gives itself the right to shoot down any drone, anywhere, any time, any how

hplasm
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Re: @jake

"So ... according to you, English doesn't mutate?"

No, I think he's saying English doesn't mutationize...

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Python lovers, here's a library that will help you master AI as a newbie

hplasm
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Happy

Re: All it takes is a few lines of code

"AI waits for no man. And doesn't need curry. Exterminate!"

exterminate! And put it in the curry!

/Q8

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100,000 home routers recruited to spread Brazilian hacking scam

hplasm
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Re: Brazilian hacking scam

Just spam for a hair clipper sharpening service...

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Laser-sharp research sees three top boffins win the Nobel Prize in physics

hplasm
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Devil

Re: This year's Ig Nobel in Literature is pretty good

And surprised Trump didn't get the Peace Prize just for not starting WW3...

( Obama did set an odd precedent...)

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hplasm
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Joke

Re: Congrats to all...

" I might pee on him if he is on fire, but I'm conflicted"

Drink lots * of Polish Spirit first!

1. reduces inner conflict

2. increases pee flammability

(3. Gives you a massive hangover)

* 1 small (tiny) bottle max , unless Polish

Note: Polish not polish!

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Civil rights group Liberty walks out on British cops' database consultation

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: Dogs Dinner

"Why would anyone bid to write this dogs dinner, unless its for large amounts of money?"

Large amounts of money.

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Windows 10 passes 700 million, Office Mobile in a coma and Intune, er, cracks time travel

hplasm
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Unhappy

Re: Win7 'til I die!

"at work I have to support w10 and office 2016. Thats just life."

That's no life...

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Robot Operating System gets the Microsoft treatment

hplasm
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Windows

Re: Recycle

ROS == ROS

WinROS == POS.

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The ink's not dry on California'a new net neutrality law and the US govt is already suing

hplasm
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Holmes

See past their noses?

All they would see would be corporate arseholes.

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Eat my shorts, watchdog tells every city mayor in the US – FCC approves $2bn 5G telco windfall

hplasm
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Re: Quoting Zappa!?

"He's zombie-walked into historic reputational suicide."

The only way Pai's reputation could suicide is if it had come back as a zombie anyway.

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Swedish ISP spanked for sexist 'distracted boyfriend' advert for developer jobs

hplasm
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Big Brother

Re: Red

The woman in red? She doesn't talk much...

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Microsoft flings features at Teams to close the Slack gap

hplasm
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Devil

One born every minute...

"Teams, according to P.T.Barnum, is “the fastest growing business app in Microsoft history”.

FTFY

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Braking bad: Mitsubishi recalls 68k SUVs over buggy software

hplasm
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Terminator

Refuses to release the brakes?

You didn't see them, did you? Not paying attention to the road, eh?

Well, you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you've done!

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Still holding out on Windows 10? Microsoft tempts upgrade with virtual desktop to Azure

hplasm
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Re: No...

This! Is the Win10 ...of our discontent!

/thesp

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iFixit engineers have an L of a time pulling apart Apple's iPhone XS

hplasm
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Gimp

Re: Slavish followers

Slavish followers pay though the nose for stupid 'innovations'

Others mop up the poorer by still deluded slavish wannabees.

i's just good business sense, after all...

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