* Posts by hplasm

4180 posts • joined 10 Jul 2009

CIA boss: Make America (a) great (big database of surveillance on citizens, foreigners) again!

hplasm
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Holmes

Alternatively-

Congress needs to pass laws < 140 characters in length. No riders.

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hplasm
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Big Brother

But if I were a lawbreaker...

You will be. You will be...

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All the cool kids are doing it – BT hikes broadband and TV bills

hplasm
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FAIL

Anyone smell burning pants?

" "Customers will get a better package and improved service from us this year in exchange for paying a little more...."

Yeah, right.

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The rise, fall, and rise (again) of Microsoft's killer People feature

hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: Of course you could just not use it?

Wow, what a massive house you have!

Yeah, but most of the rooms are full of people I don't know and stuff that isn't mine and I don't want, but I can't shift, so I don't use most of it...

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Deadly Tesla smash probe: No recall needed, says Uncle Sam

hplasm
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Meh

Re: Impressed

"I wish all the cell phone drivers had it installed."

I wish all the cell phone drivers had ejector seats installed.

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What's the biggest danger to the power grid? Hackers? Terrorists? Er, squirrels

hplasm
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Coat

Re: Treasonous Squirrels

Er, wouldn't those be Red Squirrels..?

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Square Kilometre Array precursor shrinks 5TB of data to 22MB – every second!

hplasm
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Alien

Re: I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.

" Zoom in to the dark bits in-between and guess what? It's full of stars."

Oh my god! It is...

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Two new Raspberry Pi models emerge steaming from the oven

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Raspberry, Banana, Orange....

Steak and Quince.

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Smart guns are a neat idea on paper. They'll never survive reality

hplasm
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Re: over engineered

"Very, very difficult to kill lots of *other* people from the other side of a theatre though."

Lincoln Logs?

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Boffins turn timid mice into psycho killers – by firing lasers into brains

hplasm
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WTF?

Re: Trump Angle

Trumps brain, you say?

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Now that's a Blue Screen of Death: Windows 10 told me to jump off a cliff

hplasm
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Devil

Re: If you're running Windows 10...

Lost all faith: <to Mouse> "Hello Computer..."

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hplasm
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Meh

Re: Forgot your meds this morning ?

Who are you and what have MS done with Hans1?

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Customer: BT admitted it had 'mis-sold' me fibre broadband

hplasm
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Re: Could just be...

"...another cock up at the cabinet."

They used to be engineers up at the cabinet....

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Top cop: Strap Wi-Fi jammers to teen web crims as punishment

hplasm
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Facepalm

Why would this happen-

-when putting phone jammers inside prisons to stop smuggling etc is seen as 'impractical'?

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NASA plans seven-year trip to Jupiter – can we come with you, please?

hplasm
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Alien

Artifacts Express- opening soon in an orbit near you!

All hail The Tnuctipun!

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Florida Man sues Verizon for $72m – for letting him commit identity theft

hplasm
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Headmaster

Re: Florida Man, the world's oddest superhero

"My god I should of stopped..." using 'should of...'

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Internet of Sh*t has an early 2017 winner – a 'smart' Wi-Fi hairbrush

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Incredible (Talking Toilet Paper!!)

"No, no more! Please stop at once and set me free from this cursed existence! Let me be free -- from your stinking, smelly shite!"

This was retrieved from a call-centre voice-recorder.

I'll leave it as an exercise for the commentard to decide which one...

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Yorkshire council hit with prolonged web outage

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Tha's not in't cloud lad...

"Ha's thee turned it off an' back on again?"

Ayup! Thee's frum Plusnet support, an' I claim me fiver!

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Government calls for ideas on how to splash £400m on fibre

hplasm
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Holmes

Dear Govt.

Don't give it (back?) to BT.

There's an idea for you.

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Twas the week before Xmas ... not a creature was stirring – except Microsoft admitting its Windows 10 upgrade pop-up went 'too far'

hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: Apology or not, results are the same

"Leaving these systems out to dry means they'll eventually be a botnet member, get ransomware, get a virus, etc."

You really think Win10's 'stop what you are doing while I roll out some more broken patches' will stop that?

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China gives America its underwater drone back – with a warning

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: "autocorrect confuses Trump so he turned it off."

That is a slip! Ha!

Danm Autocorrect!! (sic, obv)

He's obviously smarter than he would like us to think...

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MPs suggest introducing web blocking to tackle suicide rates in UK

hplasm
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Paris Hilton

Re: Have HMG considered the reason-

@Dr Jones - reading not your strong point then?

You mentioned the Tories, not I.

HMG are always the ones in 'charge', regardless of party.

Dr of Divinity, I reckon...

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hplasm
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Holmes

Have HMG considered the reason-

-for all the suicides, and further considered that, if they were not doing such a shit job of running the country, people might find themselves less depressed?

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Elon Musk wants to get into the boring business, literally

hplasm
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Coat

Re: Bridges are cheaper

Put tunnels on the bridges.

Problems solved!

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: Easy.

Bindun!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0061387/

Clever, those Chinese.

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NASA – get this – just launched 8 satellites from a rocket dropped from a plane at 40,000ft

hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: hmmmm

Keep spending those tax dollars re-inventing the wheel...

In this case, what goes up, stays up.

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London's Winter Wonderland URGENTLY seeks Windows 10 desk support

hplasm
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Happy

@MakingBacon

They should try switching it off...

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Sysadmin 'fixed' PC by hiding it on a bookshelf for a few weeks

hplasm
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Paris Hilton

Re: Aaron is a twat.

Either you have never worked in IT, or you have never worked for an idiot.

Either way, you come over as a bit of a twat yourself.

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'Public Wi-Fi' gang fail in cunning plan to hide £10m cigarette tax fraud

hplasm
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Holmes

Re: Proof (if it were needed)

"...they now get to spend several years earning nothing at all"

Also spending nothing.

You have calculated your dirty dealings wrongly.

1. Nick large sum. Expect to get caught.

2. Hide/invest sum secretly in high interest account.

3. Get caught- do time.

4 Get released.

5. Receive bacon.

A couple of mill would do fine.

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Is your Windows 10, 8 PC falling off the 'net? Microsoft doesn't care

hplasm
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Meh

Re: Equality with LInux

Feel free to install a different network manager- at least on One of your boxes...

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hplasm
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Meh

Re: T0ssers!

"...should have been turned into dog food by now."

They say MS eats their own dog food-

Can't make dog food from dog shit.

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hplasm
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Devil

Re: Stuff like this...

"Until there's anything useful from Redmond, good luck.

Many a true word spoken in jest.

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BT's hiring! 500 more customer service folk to answer your angry calls

hplasm
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Devil

Re: Your call is important to us, if we bother to answer it

"Your call is important to us is just another lie."

Unless it's on a premium rate number...

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Botched Microsoft update knocks Windows 8, 10 PCs offline – regardless of ISP

hplasm
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Windows

Re: Only Britain? Short answer: No.

"Can we stop this rubbish please."

What, Windows? Fat chance.

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Patience is SpaceX's latest virtue

hplasm
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Paris Hilton

Re: Define patience...

"I think I give the regulators a little more credit than you..."

Do let us know when you are sure.

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Plastic fiver: 28 years' work, saves acres of cotton... may have killed less than ONE cow*

hplasm
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Thumb Up

Nonny Mouse

Good point. The sikhs and Hindus are up in arms about it too.

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hplasm
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Happy

Re: presumably the outraged are aware that...

"...any vehicle not certified animal free" (sic)

He's having a go at Audis now!

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hplasm
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FAIL

"...as irony isn't a concept they understand. :)"

And Veganism is a concept you don't understand?

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hplasm
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Paris Hilton

Re: Silly people

"...nor are they happy to cohabit with rats."

Lots of people have pet rats.

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hplasm
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Stop

Re: Veganism

"...And writing bad poetry."

Don't! He'll come along and start spouting off about how good WinX is, and how it contains no tallow...

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hplasm
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Meh

Re: Is there a petition to insist that we DON'T change the new £5 note?

There are petitions for all sorts of unimportant issues- lets TPTB point and say how trivial they all are...

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hplasm
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Holmes

Re: Pandora's box?

"..Apart from one person who could not imagine wearing anything other than doc martins."

You do know DMs have been available in Veg friendly for years?

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hplasm
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Facepalm

Re: And yet...

Virtue signalling is nonsense of the highest order.

Triggered much?

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hplasm
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Meh

Re: @Hplasm: Not much of a chemist then?

"Hplasm,

so what is your suggestion then?"

This.

"So it's in there accidentally by the sound of it. As such probably not going to involve masses of retesting to take it out."

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hplasm
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Holmes

Not much of a chemist then?

Can't find a substitute for lard? Stupid, absolutely stupid, Prof.

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Microsoft's 'Samaritan' refuses help to hackers doing Win 10 recon

hplasm
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Devil

Re: That's nice

"The world needs more people like this."

They are clever people.

Which answers your second point, also.

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Lenovo: If you value your server, block Microsoft's November security update

hplasm
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Happy

Re: Go ahead

"As you said horses for courses."

Some courses for racehorses, another course for donkeys.

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Hackers waste Xbox One, PS4, MacBook, Pixel, with USB zapper

hplasm
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Flame

"I wonder how long one of these USBKill devices would survive ... shorted out?"

I thing an El Reg test is in order! Perhaps crowdfund it...

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Woman rescues red pepper Donald Trump from vegetarian chilli

hplasm
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Paris Hilton

End times are-

When a certain Prophet (pbuh) appears in a fruit, toast or cheese food.... then what?!?!?

As a wise man once said, "AIEE!!"

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Imagine every mistake you can make with a new software rollout...

hplasm
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Thumb Up

Re: Brings a whole new dimension to punishment

Reminds me of this, Mr Buttle...

http://www.dave.rainey.net/calendars/dystopias/process3.html

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