* Posts by Kane

764 posts • joined 17 May 2007

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Got any ecsta-sea? Boffins get octopuses high on MDMA – for science, duh

Kane
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Big Brother

"Standard procedure for a come down is to gather round and watch BBC's Blue Planet. Dunno what the octopus equivilent would be."

Big Brother?

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Man cuffed for testing fruit with bum cheek pre-purchase

Kane
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Mushroom

Re: Jape

"Reminds me of a dare I did as a student - supermarket checkout, with a cucumber, Vaseline and a packet of jonnies."

Reminds me of a certain scene from Spinal Tap - Courgette, wrapped in foil.

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Peter "James" Bond, and Mick Shrimpton, long may they be remembered (icon related).

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GG n00b lol! Amazon frags support for its own games controllers

Kane
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FAIL

Re: (Real adults don't hide behind anon.)

"m0rt's on your birth certificate is it?"

Anonymous Coward is on your birth certificate is it?

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Kane
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Trollface

Re: Stop fucking whining...

"Stop fucking whining...and buy something else."

What if the product has already been purchased?

#ConsumerRights #SaleofGoodsAct #ICan'tBeBotheredToComeUpWithAnotherHashtag

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Kane
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Trollface

Re: Shouldn’t affect anyone here.

"Real adults don’t play computer games. Fact."

See, my first reaction was "RRAAAAARGGHHHH!!!" (I've been playing the 2016 version of Doom a lot recently, it seems to have been affecting my emotional state - damned Cacodemons...), as it's such a spurious statement to make, but then I noticed you posted as an Anonymous Coward, and then I thought "Ahhh, just another Troll".

But then I also noticed the very last word of your statement. "Fact."

You are Donald Trump, and I claim my £10 Game voucher! Here's the link, you can email it to me later!

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Automated Weather Source didn't see this cloud coming: Amazon snatches up AWS.com

Kane
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Thumb Up

Re: Now redirects to ...

I see what you did there.

Well played.

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You know all those movies you bought from Apple? Um, well, think different: You didn't

Kane
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FAIL

Re: Yet another Apple "problem" click-bait article

"... it's clearly a apple click-bait article."

It clearly isn't, because the example given in the article is from someone who "bought" a movie from iTunes. Hence "Apple".

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Brit armed forces still don't have enough techies, thunder MPs

Kane
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Trollface

Re: Attitudes

...and some more...

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Kane
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Trollface

Re: Attitudes

Ah, I see a Rupert has downvoted me....

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Kane
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Re: Attitudes

"Maybe it's also partly because the armed forces (rightly or wrongly) still has the image of being led by privileged utter morons."

Obligatory Pratchett quote:

"Lieutenant Blouse was standing in the middle of the floor in his breeches and shirtsleeves, holding a sabre. Polly was no expert in these matters, but she thought she recognised the stylish, flamboyant pose as the one beginners tend to use just before they're stabbed through the heart by a more experienced fighter." - Monstrous Regiment

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Pterry Icon, El Reg? I won't stop asking...

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Activists rattle tin to take UK's pr0n block to court

Kane
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Re: What could possibly go wrong,..

"That's not egg..."

Nor is it on their face....

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UK.gov went ahead with under-planned, under-funded IT upgrade? Sounds about right

Kane
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Coat

Re: And the commentards on the People's Republic of El Reg

"And the commentards on the People's Republic of El Reg, Want these buffoons to run our railways, water, and electricity!"

In all fairness, the railways, water and electricity are pretty fucked as it is, so how much worse could it get?

Mines the one with the Libtard Socialist Manifesto in the pocket.

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Voyager 1 left the planet 41 years ago – and SpaceX hopes to land on Earth this Saturday

Kane
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Meh

Re: existential crisis about how it knows all, but why doesn't that make it happy?

"I believe that's due to the pain in its diodes down its left side."

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Now the world has gone to bed,

Darkness won't engulf my head,

I can see in infrared,

How I hate the night.

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Now I lay me down to sleep,

Try to count electric sheep,

Sweet dream wishes you can keep,

How I hate the night.

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HTTPS crypto-shame: TV Licensing website pulled offline

Kane
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Re: We take security very seriously

And:

It's only the tip.

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BT scoops Home Counties chunk of new NHS IT contract

Kane
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Boffin

"Just wondering what a high bandwidth non-digital connection looks like..."

Something like this perhaps?

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Quit that job and earn $185k... cleaning up San Francisco's notoriously crappy sidewalks

Kane
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"Though usually it floats to the top..."

They all float, down here...

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Drama as boffins claim to reach the Holy Grail of superconductivity

Kane
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Boffin

Re: It's dead, Jim, but not as we know it

"The answer is half it's length times by two."

Or alternatively, twice as long from the middle to the end.

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Democrats go on the offensive over fake FCC net neut'y cyberattack

Kane
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Trollface

Re: Witch hunts sometimes don't start at the top.

"Honestly, I begin to despair of American politics ever returning to sanity."

Returning.

Hah!

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Wasted worker wasps wanna know – oi! – who are you looking at?

Kane
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Pint

@Huw D

Well played Sir, well played. Have a pint on me.

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Kane
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Re: House Martins.

"House Martins now living in carports and eating insects"

I did wonder why Fatboy Slim was looking a bit...peaky

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Kane
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Mushroom

Re: Wasps / Apple fall

Yeah, we have similar problems at home, our two apple trees at the back of the garden started falling earlier than usual this year (around about 3/4 weeks ago), so the stripy bastards have been stalking around, getting rowdy with the locals, i.e. us. We spent some time picking up all of the apple fall and sticking it into a big plastic tub and left it on the other side of the garden, so they're all congregating there at the moment. Also pulled a few kilos of apples of the tree itself (they were big, juicy and red - very tasty), so we shouldn't be getting too much rotting fruit for a couple of weeks now.

We haven't found any nests nearby, so not sure where they are coming from, but if I do I'll definitely keep your advice in mind.

Fun story aside, a couple of years ago we came downstairs one morning to find a couple of dozen of the little bastards in our living room, mostly sitting around on the window glass, with no idea how they got there. So we opened the windows and managed to shoo most of them out. Shut the windows, went back an hour later, more wasps! Pulled one of the side units away from the wall and we spotted them climbing out of the air holes that were located in front of the bricked up fireplace. Turns out, they had established a nest in part of the old brickwork of the chimney stack, and when it came time for them to start moving out of the nest, they followed the airflow of the chimney stack straight through into the living room. I had to quickly block up all the air holes to stop the flow. Called out a guy and he found the entrance way they were using to get in, under the eaves of the roof. A few squirts with his telescopic thingy (ooh err!), and two days later all gone. He also mentioned about the red light thing as well.

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Devon County Council techies: WE KNOW IT WASN'T YOU!

Kane
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Coffee/keyboard

"Mrs Dawn Stabb (who sounds like someone to avoid in the wee small hours)"

Bravo! Bravo!

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Now you owe me both a new keyboard and a fresh cup of coffee

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What do a meth, coke, molly, heroin stash and Vegas allegedly have in common? Broadcom cofounder Henry Nicolas

Kane
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Coat

Gelfling Lives!

I thought the Gelfling were wiped out by the Skeksis!

Mines the one with the shard in the pocket...

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Google Spectre whizz kicked out of Caesars, blocked from DEF CON over hack 'attack' tweet

Kane
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Re: Hum

"The things they can do if they so choose are often terrifying."

I'm thinking, stuff to do with hammers?

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Space, the final Trump-tier: America to beam up $8bn for Space Force

Kane
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Alien

Re: Excellent sub-head!

"Yes please! Will I be serving under Rasczak?"

MEDIC!

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Wondering what to do with that $2,300 burning a hole in your pocket?

Kane
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Trollface

Re: I've got a bad feeling about this.

"The third instalment of Half Life 2?"

Half Life 3 confirmed?

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Grad sends warning to manager: Be nice to our kit and it'll be nice to you

Kane
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Go

Re: This is normal in every human endeavor.

"Using insider knowledge to put one over on an outsider is human nature."

Plus, it's fun!

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You're burning £1.2bn for what? UK spending watchdog gives digital court plans a kicking

Kane
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Coat

Re: Bzzt!

Siri: "Bzzt! John Spartan, you have been fined 5 credits.."

"He doesn't know how to use the three seashells..."

Mine's the one with the ratburger in the pocket...

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Capita strikes again: Bug in UK-wide school info management system risks huge data breach

Kane
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Thumb Up

Re: Kit check

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

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Cancelled in Crawley? At least your train has free Wi-Fi now, right?

Kane
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Boffin

Re: If only...

... there was this massively conductive metal strip under the train that could carry data, even in a tunnel.

Assuming you're talking about the third rail, then my train line doesn't have one. Not knowing a lot about trains, I couldn't tell you about the current state of the rolling stock, other than it's diesel. The branch line where I live isn't electrified.

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California lawmakers: We swear on our avocados we'll pass 'strongest net neutrality protections' in America

Kane
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Re: When will they just make the internet a public utility already?

"You should've seen fire companies before the governments took them over. They basically became extortion rackets..."

Yeah, the penny really dropped after "Charcoal Wednesday".

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Pterry Icon, El Reg, c'mon!

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US Declaration of Independence labeled hate speech by Facebook bots

Kane
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Joke

"Well I suppose it is hate speech if you're George III"

Wait, it's a sequel? What happened to the first two parts??

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Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a giant alien space cigar? Whatever it is, boffins are baffled

Kane
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Headmaster

Ahem....

<Pedant Alert=True>

I think you'll find that the actual quote is:

"Oumuamua is an extremely rare object, and is believed to be the Solar System’s first interstellar visitor to be seen passing through."

So your sentence "... that we've noticed." is redundant.

<Pedant Alert=False>

Carry on.

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Big Cable unplugs Cali's draft net neutrality protections yet AGAIN

Kane
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Re: No surprise

"If I were Canada, I'd start to build a wall..."

Well, they'll have a new revenue stream with all that tax money from the sales of cannabis!

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Please tighten your passwords and assume the brace position, says plane-tracking site

Kane
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Joke

Re: Panic

"especially given all the terrible things Hollywood has taught us can happen on a flight (engine fire, hydraulic system failure, etc)."

Snakes.

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Test Systems Better, IBM tells UK IT meltdown bank TSB

Kane
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FAIL

Whooosh...

You hear that sound? That's the sound of more customers leaving TSB.

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Atari accuses El Reg of professional trolling and making stuff up. Welp, here's the interview tape for you to decide...

Kane
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Trollface

Re: Oh how the might have fallen...

"My weapon of choice if Protracker just to show Amiga's are better at music."

How many on-board MIDI ports does your Amiga have?

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Shatner's solar-powered Bitcoin gambit wouldn't power a deflector shield

Kane
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Joke

@disgustedoftunbridgewells

You really....struggled....to get that sentence out, didn't you?

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Internet luminaries urge EU to kill off automated copyright filter proposal

Kane
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Alien

"No one would have believed, in the early years of the 21st century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless world of the corporations. No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinised as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of intelligence in the government. And yet, across the gulf of the internet, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded it with envious eyes, and slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us…"

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ULLA

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At last: Magic Leap reveals its revolutionary techno-goggles – but wait, there's a catch

Kane
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Joke

"Did they have cake at the end of the presentation?"

Your promised reward is merely a fictitious motivator.

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NHS England fingered over failure to forward patient correspondence

Kane
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@ adam payne

Whilst I agree in principal with what you say, why wasn't the basic function of mail redirects a part of the contract requirements? NHS England (and it's contract negotiation team) have to take responsibility here as well.

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Extract, transform, load? More like extremely tough to load, amirite?

Kane
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Thumb Up

Ahh...

"One does not want to attempt to load data into an SQL server, for example, that would cause the SQL server to delete all of its contents."

....little Bobby Tables!

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Ex-US pres Bill Clinton has written a cyber-attack pulp thriller. With James Patterson. Really

Kane
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Paris Hilton

Sounds like you're in the middle of a PKD novel.

Did everything turn pink when you looked up into the sky?

(Icon temporarily morphed into "Where's the Perky Pat angle?")

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You have suffered without red-headed emoji for too long. That changes Tuesday

Kane
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Joke

"What, no quips about gingers?"

Only a ginger can call another ginger, ginger

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Fanta Pants

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Foolish foodies duped into thinking Greggs salads are posh nosh

Kane
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Pint

Re: Not a big glass.

"I hear from usually reliable sources that pint beer glasses, coffee mugs and tea cups work in a pinch :-)"

Sippy cups.

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Headless man found in lava’s embrace

Kane
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Megaphone

Yes, we know that Pompeii was smothered in ash, not lava.

But we couldn't resist the headline.

FAKE NEWS!!!!

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US-China trade war is back on: White House repeats threat to tax Middle Kingdom imports

Kane
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Boffin

Re: Lunatic

"Is it a coincidence that the moon's full?"

Technically, the moon is always full.

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Max Schrems is back: Facebook, Google hit with GDPR complaint

Kane
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Thumb Up

Re: Whos'e on first...

Jareth: You remind me of the babe

Goblin: what babe?

Jareth: The babe with the power

Goblin: what power?

Jareth: The power of voodoo

Goblin: who do?

Jareth: You do

Goblin: do what?

Jareth: Remind me of the babe

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UK Home Office's £885m crim records digi effort: A 'masterclass in incompetence'

Kane
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Joke

Re: There are no more jokes

Every joke about Govt. Digital projects failing has been used, re-used, turned into a horse, been killed, been beaten, been stomped flat, been turned into mince, added to a lasagne, eaten, digested, excreted, flushed and processed...without an order, signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

There, fixed that for you.

There's always another joke, if you're prepared to look!

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You know that silly fear about Alexa recording everything and leaking it online? It just happened

Kane
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Black Helicopters

The new technology trials...

...between the CIA and Amazon seem to be working out well!

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