* Posts by Kane

624 posts • joined 17 May 2007

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A todger, a 2.5kg dumbbell, the fire brigade... and the inevitable angle grinder

Kane
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"He should have stuck to cock push ups."

Well, one is all you need!

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Boffin wins (Ig) Nobel prize asking if cats can be liquid

Kane
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Re: Cats are neither a solid nor a liquid.

"So basically they're just an intrusion into our universe of pan-dimensional hyper-intelligent beings?

I think you'll find that's mice."

That's the other dimension....just over there....

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Kane
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Boffin

Re: Cats are neither a solid nor a liquid.

"How about a 42 crossed with a scythe in the background?"

Whilst I applaud your creative thinking, the prevalence of quotes from both The Greatest Procrastinator That Ever Did Live (‘I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they go by.’), and Sir Pterry surely call for their own unique icons?

I would recommend for Mr Adams, a cup of really hot tea? And for Sir Pterry, a black, wide brimmed Fedora?

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Kane
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Boffin

Re: Cats are neither a solid nor a liquid. @Sir Runcible Spoon

"Rather than overtaxing the El Reg staffers though..."

They are about to employ an intern, aren't they? Seems like the perfect first job to me...

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Kane
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Re: Cats are neither a solid nor a liquid. @Aladdin Sane

"Cats will amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw."

― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

"Obligatory request for Pterry icon."

Seconded, again.

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Five ways Apple can fix the iPhone, but won't

Kane
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"My Feature request for the next iPhone is for it to run Android."

"My feature request for my next Android phone is that it runs IOS."

"My feature request for iPhone and Android is to run Windows."

"Why can't these stupid phones run OS/2 Warp - as God intended!"

My feature request is that it can run Crysis.

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Linus Torvalds' lifestyle tips for hackers: Be like me, work in a bathrobe, no showers before noon

Kane
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Unhappy

Re: Last time I tried to work in a bathrobe...

"In the morning, pour it and nuke it for 30 seconds or so to get the temperature back up."

Bloody travesty.

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Oracle 'systematically denies' its sales reps their commissions, forces them to work to pay off 'debts', court told

Kane
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Boffin

Re: Just when you thought...

"You just need to read more Pratchett - million to one chances are bound to happen..."

9 times out of 10, actually.

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Violent moon mishap will tear Uranus a new ring or two

Kane
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Re: Well, i hope it happens ...

"No more Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco etc."

Arizona Bay!

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Sub plot subplot thickens: Madsen claims hatch fumble killed Swede journo Kim Wall

Kane
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Alien

Dead Space

For some reason after reading that article, this game came to mind...

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Stephen King's scary movie reboot provokes tears from 'legit clowns'

Kane
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@ Prst. V.Jeltz

Obligatory:

“No clowns were funny. That was the whole purpose of a clown. People laughed at clowns, but only out of nervousness. The point of clowns was that, after watching them, anything else that happened seemed enjoyable.”

― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

.

.

.

Where's the damned Pterry icon, El Reg?

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Terry Pratchett's unfinished works flattened by steamroller

Kane
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Re: I'm touched by the weirdness of this request...

@Joe Werner

"...the Wee Free Men (fairies... sorts of - and also the name of the first book)"

Ahem, "Pictsies" I think you'll find. Unless you're looking to commit suicide?

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Commentard Quizwall experiment ends with more quizzing than commenting

Kane
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Megaphone

Re: It would be funnier...

"This is just typical of Microsoft...."

No, I have to disagree, brown sauce (whatever brand) is not appropriate for a bacon sandwich, it has to be tomato ketchup, every time. Brown sauce only belongs in a sausage sandwich.

And you can keep you opinion about sweet tea to yourself, thank you very much!

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You had ONE job: Italian firefighters suspected of starting blazes for cash

Kane
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Happy

Re: Obligatory prescient quote from Sir Pterry

"Don't you mean Inn-Sewer-Ants?"

Inn-Sewer-Ants Polly-Sea?

*Needs Pterry Icon -->*

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Kane
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Re: Obligatory prescient quote from Sir Pterry

The penny really dropped after 'Charcoal Wednesday'

I further the cause and raise my hand in agreement - we need a Sir Pterry icon.

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London Mayor slams YouTube over failure to remove 'shocking' violent gang vids

Kane
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The Mayor's office says...

"...the videos depict gang members threatening rivals, describing how they would murder them, and making shooting gestures."

Sounds like a late 90's/early 00's hip-hop video!

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Parents claim Disney gobbled up kids' info through mobile games

Kane
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Re: Puzzled

"Happy Tree Friends, hilarious."

Brilliant cartoon, perfect mix of cutesy characters and gruesome violence. Love it. And that irritating theme tune....

Nah Nah Nah Nanah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nanah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nanah Nah Nah Nah

I recently found volumes 1-3 on dvd for £1 each in one of my local charity shops. On the shelf with other kids/cartoon dvd's. I saw it as my solemn duty to purchase those dvd's, lest they get into the hands of some fragile, little minds.

Also, so I could tell the till worker that these dvd's were not appropriate for children.* The look on her face...

Naah Naah Nanah Na Nah, Nanah Nanah Na Nah, Naah Naah Nanah Na Nah, Nanah Nanah Na Nah....

*Or, maybe not. It's hard to tell these days.

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Apple removes VPN apps in China as Russia's Putin puts in the boot with VPN banlaw

Kane
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Big Brother

"Thank God I live in the UK where we don't have a government that interferes with the legal websites we as citizens are allowed to visit...Yet"

There, FTFY!

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US spies hacked our phones over the air, claim pipeline protesters

Kane
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Re: In other news

"You failed to mention that the UFO was piloted by a dinosaur."

Raptor Jesus, I think you'll find.

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Snopes.com asks for bailout amid dispute over who runs the site and collects ad dollars

Kane
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Go

@GrumpenKraut

"The watchmenwatchmen."

The WatchwatchmenMen?

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Kane
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"The Guarding Dark"

Imagine how strong I must be.

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Fan of FBI cosplay? Enjoy freaking out your neighbors? Have we got the eBay auction for you

Kane
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Childcatcher

Re: 4chan party van

"Needs a bear suit to go with it."

Why don't you have a seat over there?

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Russia, China vow to kill off VPNs, Tor browser

Kane
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Big Brother

Re: The cause of the next world war

"Things are too comfy in the west, even for the very poor. Beer, ciggies, ready meals and Match of the Day, and we are happy."

Bread & Circuses.

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Conservative manifesto disappears offline – then mysteriously reappears

Kane
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Joke

Re: Hanlon's razor

Surely with such a change to the phrase, it should be updated to Leg's Razor?

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A private equity titan has just forked out £700m for IT training biz QA

Kane
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I hope the coffee gets upgraded in all their centres!

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2 kool 4 komputing: Teens' interest in GCSE course totally bombs

Kane
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"computer jobs are outsourced at the drop of a cost analysis presentation"

Like it, gonna try and use that in a meeting later on.

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NSA had NFI about opsec: 2016 audit found laughably bad security

Kane
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Black Helicopters

Hmmm

Something about this smells...off. If the report had been written by an independent third party (highly unlikely), I might have bought into it. If you (the gubmint) were forced into writing a report about NSA's opsec, wouldn't you throw in some misinformation to make it a) look like you're incapable of locking down your own systems securely and b) provide an opportunity for would-be foreign actors/"rogue" contractors to attempt to access those systems? You would then be able to build a "profile" of possible attack vectors.

Yes, I know Snowden mentioned before that he was not alone in having escalated privileges in being able to access the information that he did, and that this seemed to be the norm for the sub-contractors that worked for the NSA. Or it was the norm for the NSA to have the type of documentation that was leaked, stored in systems that could be accessed so easily. But still, something doesn't sit right, and I find it hard to believe that adequately securing their own systems was entirely outside their area of competence.

After all, if you were running a super-duper-secret spy agency, wouldn't you want to spread as much misinformation as possible? Even if it was through legitimate channels, like the Department of Defense?

I know I would.

Alternatively, (and the slightly less suspicious bastard/paranoid idea) it could simply have been an appeasement report for the superiors that have been shouting behind the scenes about "how could this happen", and never got released due to the incoming change of government at the time. Only due to the FOI request does it come into the light.

But I prefer my paranoid version.

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Scottish govt mulled scrapping £178m car-crash IT system

Kane
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So...

...IT outsourcer writes damning report about another IT outsourcer?

News at 11.

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Fancy buying our aircraft carrier satnav, Raytheon asks UK

Kane
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Joke

Encryption

"In essence the main difference is that the JPALS signal is encrypted, unlike TACAN."

Ahh, well there's your problem right there, sonny Jim, we won't be having your encrypted nonsense over here! We're dead set against that sort of thing, aren't we lads!

Lads?

Lads??

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WikiLeaks emits CIA's Wi-Fi pwnage tool docs

Kane
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Joke

"Are there any people in the NSA who've had the epiphany "Wait, are we the bad guys?!?" yet?"

Obligatory Mitchell & Webb sketch.

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Voyager 1 passes another milestone: It's now 138AU from home

Kane
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Alien

Re: What's that work out to?

Putty. Putty. Putty.

Green Putty - Grutty Peen.

Grarmpitutty - Morning!

Pridsummer - Grorning Utty!

Discovery..... Oh.

Putty?..... Armpit?

Armpit..... Putty.

Not even a particularly

Nice shade of green.

As I lick my armpit and shall agree,

That this putty is very well green.

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Kane
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Facepalm

Re: What's that work out to?

Who the hell downvotes an entirely relevant Douglas Adams quote?

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Kane
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Boffin

Re: Wonder When

"Wonder when Kirk bumps into it....."

"in 2273 according to Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_Star_Trek"

Pedant Alert!

<cough>

That'll be Voyager 6.

</cough>

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Oh snap! Election's made Brexit uncertainty worse for biz, says BT CEO

Kane
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Coat

Re: Stability, certainty?

"4) preferably buy next Wednesday."

I'll give you a fiver for it, but that's as high as I can go.

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Hundreds stranded at Manchester Airport due to IT 'glitch'

Kane
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WTF?

Check-in System?

"— Jenn (@jennyfarfar) June 13, 2017

Still not taken off been on the plane over an hour now with everyone on board ridiculous"

If there is an issue with the check-in system, why are people already checked in being held up on the tarmac?

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Senator blows a fuse as US spies continue lying over spying program

Kane
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Re: TL:DR Stooge of US Intelligence community tells Congress to go f**k themselves

"How do you construct a DB that allows you to pull details of US citizens without being able to provide any kind of count of how many records are of US citizens"

Warning, Pseudo code coming up....

SUM(COUNTIF(Nationality=USA),RAND()*321,000,000)

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Kane
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Flame

B'Stards

"One Congressman even proposed that Section 702 be reauthorized without a sunset clause – meaning that it would not need to go through another round of Congressional hearings several years in the future."

Either he's

a) in the intelligence community's back pockets,

b) got something to hide (see option a, above)

c) can't be bothered with all these committee hearings, I'm getting too old for this, can't be having with this at my time of life, or

d) all of the above.

"The intelligence chiefs liked that idea.."

I just bet they fucking did, the self serving, control freak data fetishist, piles of excreta.

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What a tit! Uber CEO hijacks his staff breast-pump room to meditate

Kane
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Re: new shit has come to light

"ooh "my vote will be recorded , and totals updated shortly" that's new!"

I know, I upvoted you just so I could see it again!

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Hyperloop One teases idea of 50-minute London-Edinburgh ride

Kane
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Joke

Re: UK Fault lines

"Dammit! I've got a fault running more or less under the house!"

How's your house insurance premiums going?

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Kane
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Boffin

UK Fault Lines

Here would be a good place to start.

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Break crypto to monitor jihadis in real time? Don't be ridiculous, say experts

Kane
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Re: "The former policy wonk -

Give it time, it'll grow again.

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Meteor swarm spawns new and dangerous branch

Kane
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Re: Tunguska

"Oh - and Ed., isn't describing this 30,000 year old cometary breakup as 'new' a bit odd?"

Cosmologically speaking, that's a wee babby. That's not to say that new things aren't happening all the time in the 'verse, but on comparative scales, it's quite recent.

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Obama's intel chief says Russia totally tried to swing it for Trump

Kane
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Re: This is getting a bit tiresome

'Why doesn't El Reg open a sidebar on "sponsored news about Russia".'

Aye, it could be called RotR (Rise of the Russians) or some-such.

I, for one, welcome our new etc, etc, etc....

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The open source community is nasty and that's just the docs

Kane
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Facepalm

Re: Humans aren't all sweetness & light!

"Humans aren't all sweetness & light!

Film at 11!"

Agreed. Open Source Community =/= Fluffy Bunnies and Kittens

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IBM: ALL travel must be approved now, and shut up about the copter

Kane
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Tesco Coagulante...

Upvote, just for that.

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Boffins spot 'faceless fish' in strange alien environment

Kane
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The Deep Ones...

"The Register imagines Deep Ones were not disturbed, or Xinhua would be reporting a rather different end to the dive."

I think they wouldn't be reporting anything, tbh.

All Hail Father Dagon! All Hail Mother Hydra! All Hail Cthulhu!

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Sainsbury's IT glitch spoils bank holiday food orders

Kane
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Trollface

Re: First world problems

"Sorry, but it's 2017..."

TL;DR

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TRUMP SCANDAL! No, not that one. Or that one. Or that one. Or that one.

Kane
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Black Helicopters

Re: Casus belli

"Well now the CIA and FBI have a legitimate reason to rummage around in the Trump organization systems"

Why would they need a legitimate reason? Why would they need any reason at all? I would have thought it would have been a matter of course.

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Astroboffins spot a new type of galaxy bursting with stars

Kane
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Boffin

Re: Query....

"Quasars are also used to refer to the entire galaxy, hence quasars may contain quasars where "quasar" should not be confused with "quasar." ;)"

Right. Well then. That clears that up!

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Sysadmin finds insecure printer, remotely prints 'Fix Me!' notice

Kane
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Re: Start in a subtle way

++?????++ Out of Cheese Error. Redo From Start.

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