* Posts by Kane

731 posts • joined 17 May 2007

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Big Cable unplugs Cali's draft net neutrality protections yet AGAIN

Kane
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Re: No surprise

"If I were Canada, I'd start to build a wall..."

Well, they'll have a new revenue stream with all that tax money from the sales of cannabis!

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Please tighten your passwords and assume the brace position, says plane-tracking site

Kane
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Joke

Re: Panic

"especially given all the terrible things Hollywood has taught us can happen on a flight (engine fire, hydraulic system failure, etc)."

Snakes.

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Test Systems Better, IBM tells UK IT meltdown bank TSB

Kane
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FAIL

Whooosh...

You hear that sound? That's the sound of more customers leaving TSB.

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Atari accuses El Reg of professional trolling and making stuff up. Welp, here's the interview tape for you to decide...

Kane
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Trollface

Re: Oh how the might have fallen...

"My weapon of choice if Protracker just to show Amiga's are better at music."

How many on-board MIDI ports does your Amiga have?

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Shatner's solar-powered Bitcoin gambit wouldn't power a deflector shield

Kane
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Joke

@disgustedoftunbridgewells

You really....struggled....to get that sentence out, didn't you?

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Internet luminaries urge EU to kill off automated copyright filter proposal

Kane
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Alien

"No one would have believed, in the early years of the 21st century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless world of the corporations. No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinised as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of intelligence in the government. And yet, across the gulf of the internet, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded it with envious eyes, and slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us…"

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ULLA

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At last: Magic Leap reveals its revolutionary techno-goggles – but wait, there's a catch

Kane
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Joke

"Did they have cake at the end of the presentation?"

Your promised reward is merely a fictitious motivator.

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NHS England fingered over failure to forward patient correspondence

Kane
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@ adam payne

Whilst I agree in principal with what you say, why wasn't the basic function of mail redirects a part of the contract requirements? NHS England (and it's contract negotiation team) have to take responsibility here as well.

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Extract, transform, load? More like extremely tough to load, amirite?

Kane
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Ahh...

"One does not want to attempt to load data into an SQL server, for example, that would cause the SQL server to delete all of its contents."

....little Bobby Tables!

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Ex-US pres Bill Clinton has written a cyber-attack pulp thriller. With James Patterson. Really

Kane
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Paris Hilton

Sounds like you're in the middle of a PKD novel.

Did everything turn pink when you looked up into the sky?

(Icon temporarily morphed into "Where's the Perky Pat angle?")

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You have suffered without red-headed emoji for too long. That changes Tuesday

Kane
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Joke

"What, no quips about gingers?"

Only a ginger can call another ginger, ginger

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Fanta Pants

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Foolish foodies duped into thinking Greggs salads are posh nosh

Kane
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Pint

Re: Not a big glass.

"I hear from usually reliable sources that pint beer glasses, coffee mugs and tea cups work in a pinch :-)"

Sippy cups.

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Headless man found in lava’s embrace

Kane
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Megaphone

Yes, we know that Pompeii was smothered in ash, not lava.

But we couldn't resist the headline.

FAKE NEWS!!!!

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US-China trade war is back on: White House repeats threat to tax Middle Kingdom imports

Kane
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Boffin

Re: Lunatic

"Is it a coincidence that the moon's full?"

Technically, the moon is always full.

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Max Schrems is back: Facebook, Google hit with GDPR complaint

Kane
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Re: Whos'e on first...

Jareth: You remind me of the babe

Goblin: what babe?

Jareth: The babe with the power

Goblin: what power?

Jareth: The power of voodoo

Goblin: who do?

Jareth: You do

Goblin: do what?

Jareth: Remind me of the babe

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UK Home Office's £885m crim records digi effort: A 'masterclass in incompetence'

Kane
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Joke

Re: There are no more jokes

Every joke about Govt. Digital projects failing has been used, re-used, turned into a horse, been killed, been beaten, been stomped flat, been turned into mince, added to a lasagne, eaten, digested, excreted, flushed and processed...without an order, signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.

There, fixed that for you.

There's always another joke, if you're prepared to look!

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You know that silly fear about Alexa recording everything and leaking it online? It just happened

Kane
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Black Helicopters

The new technology trials...

...between the CIA and Amazon seem to be working out well!

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FBI's flawed phone tally blamed on programming error. 7,800 unbreakable mobes? Er, um...

Kane
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Boffin

Re: Left some numpty with Excel

"Used * instead of + somewhere..."

A1+A2+A3+A4+A5+A6+A7+A8+A9+A10+A11+A12+A13+A14+A15 etc, etc....

(Yeah, I left in A1, cos you know they'll count the headers...)

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'Facebook takes data from my phone – but I don't have an account!'

Kane
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"That's no way to speak about your parents."

Hello, Police? Yes, I'd like to report a murder I witnessed.

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10 social networks ignored UK government consultations

Kane
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Terminator

Re: "And after all, these companies were set up to make the world a better place"

"I wonder what would happen if we asked an AI about whether our politicians are fit for purpose? Smoke coming out of the back?"

I don't know, let's hand it over to the Allied Mastercomputer and see what it says, shall we?

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What's up with that ZX Spectrum reboot? Still no console

Kane
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Meh

"It's a small company and a fairly small fraud. In general terms, not desperately newsworthy."

If you'd just like to stand over here. Yes, that's right, just here.

Ok, so I have this sharpened blade, it's only about 1 1/2 inches, quite short, and I'm just going to gently stab you with it if that's ok? Don't worry, I'll only be pushing the blade in about 1/2 an inch or so.

It's a small blade and a fairly small stabbing. In general terms, not desperately criminal.

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US Congress mulls expanding copyright yet again – to 144 years

Kane
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Childcatcher

Re: Crony Capitalism at it's best

"Who told you it was written by a senator? It was written by character with large ears, tail and traditionally wearing short pants with two big buttons. From the species Mus Musculus if memory serves me right."

I'm reminded of a lyric from David Bowie's Life on Mars:

"It's on America's tortured brow,

That Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow."

Won't somebody think of the record companies children?

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Open justice FTW! El Reg fought the law – and El Reg won

Kane
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Re: Wonderful

"Is El Reg one of the last bastions of Journalism fighting for Truth & Justice?"

Truth! Justice! Freedom! Reasonably Priced Love! And a Hard-Boiled Egg!

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Pterry Icon, El Reg.....

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Net neutrality is saved in Senate vote! No, not really, it was a giant waste of everyone's time

Kane
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Mushroom

Re: actual legislation, not regulatory gerrymandering

FCC NEVER THEIR NOT POWER GRAB.

MY NEVER REGULATORY POWER GRABS, CIRCUMVENTING OBAKA

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Privacy group asks UK politicos to pinky swear not to use personal data for electioneering

Kane
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Re: So essentially we're relying on politicians being ethical and doing the right thing...

"That's always worked out so well before and I see no reason why there should be any problems this time."

If you could just step over here sir, I have just recently acquired the rights to sell this bridge!

Why yes, you can have it in any colour you want!

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Date engraved onto net neutrality tombstone: June 11, 2018

Kane
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Terminator

Re: Senate Vote

COMMUNIST MANIFESTO.

REALLY DOES BETTER, IMPRESSIVE THAT OPPOSITE OBAKA MORE.

FCC, CONTROL

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Kane
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Terminator

Re: Senate Vote

OBAKA's FCC OVERSTEPS FCC POWER GRAB.

USA INSANE OWN EVERYBODY WILL

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Kane
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Boffin

Re: Senate Vote

So, I've got an idea for a new game. Anytime bob decides to post, I'm going to cut/paste all of his UPPERCASE text into a single quote, attempting to keep as much of the original punctuation in place as possible (full stops, commas etc). Once I've compiled enough responses, I might run the collection of quotes through some machine learning algorithms and see what it spits out. After a while I should have enough info to be able to generate a reasonable facsimile of a full post that bob would make.

AGAINST TRUMP OTHER KNOW WANT WANT OBAKA's.

SOCIALISM ALWAYS WIDENS THE GAP BETWEEN HAVES AND HAVE-NOTS, BECOME OPPRESSING THEM KEEPING THEM IN THEIR PLACE, ALREADY OUR FEELING THINKING NOT ALREADY MEDIOCRITY THE OLD MONEY RICH THEIR THEY THEIRS.

NHS THE SAME WAY. EQUALITY MEDIOCRITY MORE REALLY FEEL OPTIMIST.

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Zookeepers charged after Kodiak bear rides shotgun to Dairy Queen

Kane
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Re: Sense of humor

"This was a very young bear raised by humans at a zoo. It was about as dangerous as the neighbor's German Shepherd."

...

"There are some dogs which, when you meet them, remind you that, despite thousands of years of man-made evolution, every dog is still only two meals away from being a wolf. These dogs advance deliberately, purposefully, the wilderness made flesh, their teeth yellow, their breath a-stink, while in the distance their owners witter, "He's an old soppy really, just poke him if he's a nuisance," and in the green of their eyes the red campfires of the Pleistocene gleam and flicker."

Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch. 1990, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

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Still waiting for the Pterry icon, El Reg...

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T-Mobile owner sends in legal heavies to lean on small Brit biz over use of 'trademarked' magenta

Kane
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Re: Trademark Lawyers...

"Ps anyone knows what I did wrong with the span it's not rendering for me?"

I just tend to use the < strike>< /strike> tags (spaced for display purposes).

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New Monty Python movie to turn old jokes into new royalties

Kane
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Boffin
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Drone 'swarm' buzzed off FBI surveillance bods, says tech bloke

Kane
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Happy

Re: An Interesting Indent.

"Wouldn't having more drones be better for them? I mean they'd have to go outside to play with them instead of staying indoors with eyes glued to computers & consoles..."

Nope! Some bright spark out there will just write an app/software/(insert console name here) game so that you can fly your own drone from the comfort of your living room!

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Sir Clive Sinclair dragged into ZX Spectrum reboot battle

Kane
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Happy

Re: Answer me this

...and Laser Beams!

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NASA dusts off FORTRAN manual, revives 20-year-old data on Ganymede

Kane
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Alien

After an extended mission...

"...the ailing probe was deorbited in 2003 to avoid an unwanted impact on Europa."

ALL THESE WORLDS ARE YOURS – EXCEPT EUROPA.

ATTEMPT NO LANDINGS THERE.

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Avengers: Infinity War: More Marvel-ous moolah for comic film-erverse, probably

Kane
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Happy

Deadpool...

"Breaking a fourth wall while in a fourth wall? That's... sixteen walls!"

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'Alexa, listen in on my every word and send it all to a shady developer'

Kane
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Trollface

That's not a bug...

...that's a feature!

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Who will fix our Internal Banking Mess? TSB hires IBM amid online banking woes

Kane
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Joke

Re: Hello, we're TSB, and we're different from other banks.

Other banks have are working IT systems

There, fixed that for you!

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Cutting custody snaps too costly for cash-strapped cops – UK.gov

Kane
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Big Brother

Re: I wonder what would happen ...

"if I told a government department that I would not obey the law because 'my IT systems made it technically impossible' to do what I was supposed to do ?"

You'd be employed by the Home Office?

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Congressional group asks FBI boss Wray to explain Apple lawsuit

Kane
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Re: Still...

".. asking *all* the wrong questions.

Oh, I don't know, they seem to be pretty sensible questions to be starting with.

What would you ask?

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UK.gov unveils cyber security export strategy – only thing missing is the strategy

Kane
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Boffin

Re: The Russians.

"Along with everyone else."

And all the necessary #hashtags.

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Reg writer wins quite prestigious journalism prism

Kane
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Paris Hilton

Re: Well done.

"what happened in S. Africa over the weekend"

Well? Tell us! What happened in South Africa over the weekend! From what I can see, several things happened in South Africa over the weekend.

There's this, and this, or this, as well as this.

Would you care to enlighten the rest of the reg readership?

Edit: and what Korev said above, something about Louis Vuitton job.

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Just when you thought it was safe to go ahead with microservices... along comes serverless

Kane
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Dark Souls...

...is for pussies. You want to get your Bloodborne on.

Git Gud, Scrubs.

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FYI: There's a cop tool called GrayKey that force unlocks iPhones. Let's hope it doesn't fall into the wrong hands!

Kane
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Re: Woah! Some much tin foil, so many hats.....

"And if they get my phone..."

Why would they have your phone? You haven't done anything wrong, have you citizen?

"...and discover the only dubious thing I do is read El Reg...",

You consider reading El Reg "dubious"? Against what standard do you measure this? I seriously doubt this is the only dubious thing you do. Something to hide, maybe? Come on, you can tell your Big Brother...

"...and they obtain all the pictures of my cat I've taken, I wouldn't consider that a bad thing, my cat looks awesome...."

An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof. Pics, or it didn't happen.

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It's Pi day: Care to stuff a brand new Raspberry one in your wallet?

Kane
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Re: Dates

You are all barking mad, the only date format that is acceptable is YYYYMMDD, no funny hyphens, no slashes, none of that stuff.

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Your manhood is safe, judge tells ZX Spectrum reboot boss

Kane
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Alien

Re: Bit like the Vega then

"Are you suggesting Levy also doesn't exist?"

Only for a short time, he'll be spending the next year or so being dead.

Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be back soon.

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Developer mistakenly deleted data - so thoroughly nobody could pin it on him!

Kane
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Joke

"To hoover up the data?"

To "vacuum" up the data, I think you'll find.

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Your mouse can't reach that Excel cell? Buy a 'desk extender' said help desk bluffer

Kane
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Re: School Days

"Phrasing!"

Mawp

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Bots don't spread fake news on Twitter, people do, say MIT eggheads

Kane
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Thumb Up

Re: Retweet

"Retweet or I start playing the banjo again"

Play away,my friend, play away!

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Kane
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Alien

Re: The Gullibility Test

"I tried to take the gullibility test, paid £100 to an online company for the privilege and all I got back was an email saying I passed. Still a bit confused to be honest."

Step this way sir! Please, mind your head on the hatch entrance, we wouldn't want to disturb that snazzy hairstyle, would we!

Have you considered a career in advertising?

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UK peers: Is this what you call governance of facial recog tech? A 'few scattered papers'!

Kane
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Re: Re Face Masks

"Face Mask Recognition is already close to 100%."

Yup, that's a Face Mask alright!

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