* Posts by Ian 31

34 posts • joined 29 Jun 2009

Roses are #f00, violets are #00f. This witty code is a boffinry breakthrough

Ian 31

Mainframe programmer joke.

Why do programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

When I started on DMIV hierarchical databases running on GCOS 8 the above was considered extremely funny.

British armed forces get first new pistol since World War II

Ian 31

Re: Enjoy it while it lasts

Tommy Jenkins? It's Tommy Atkins you're looking for.

iPhone 5 Lightning cables sticking in USB ports

Ian 31

Re: It's no really an issue is it?

You didn't read to the end of that post, did you?

"Apple makes you go to the shop and get one from their drawer."

Natwest, RBS: When will bank glitch be fixed? Probably not today

Ian 31

Re: Out-sourcing is bad

Of course he's joking, he used the term "project manager".

Eyes on stalks: ancient predator a real monster

Ian 31

Fireball the bastard

Then tuck in.

Mythbusters cannonball ‘myth-fires’

Ian 31

Bang On

Woohoo! Want one for Christmas

Boffins prove Queen ballad 'world's most catchy song'

Ian 31
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Good Omens

Sir Terry and Neil Gaiman in one reference, good work

Ecstasy doesn't make rave-goers any stupider - official

Ian 31

That'll be the sleep deprivation.

It can really fuck you up.

Crematorium to heat council swimming pool

Ian 31


"I'm not comfortable with it at all and I think trying to save money due to the death of someone's family member or friend is a bit sick."

Said the funeral director. But making a living off the death of someone's family member or friend is fine?

Gov depts to cut back office, IT spending

Ian 31
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Deep Joy.

Outsourcing, lovely, 'sorry that's not in the contract, mm, yes we can do it but that will be £5000 please.'

Margaret Thatcher celebrates 85 years

Ian 31


Other than that, just go Margaret. Please.

Check Point defends ZoneAlarm scareware-style warning

This post has been deleted by a moderator

Turkish groom accidentally sprays wedding guests with bullets

Ian 31

Still, 11 hits from a what, 30 round magazine?

That's pretty good shooting with an automatic.

Sorry, coat, thanks, the one with 'tasteless bastard' written on the back.

Exciting company seeks Linux engineer

Ian 31

Sort Of Makes Sense...

If you read the add,

The Engineer will also be responsible for Supporting maintaining and troubleshooting the clients hosting environment, network, IP traffic and sewers

As to why they'd want a combined Linux admin and sanitation engineer I've no idea.

Salacious smut soaks 12% of web

Ian 31


Need I say more.

Alt rock diva's nude snap 'leaked' to tweetosphere

Ian 31
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Always liked lady bumps.

NFC will help you find your car - if you're next to it

Ian 31
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Just because you can do something....

Doesn't make it a good idea.

Boobquake fails to destroy planet

Ian 31
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Respect the jubs.

Well done that woman.

Brit astrophysical model scoops £1.1m at poker

Ian 31

We Are Not Worthy.

'Scuse me while I go cry in my beer.

The iPad will doom humanity to painful bog-roll horror

Ian 31
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I tip my hat to you....

bumwad tech supremo, ecologically sound cleftwipe products.

Class. Absolute class. Was it Lewis?

'al-Qaeda suicide cat' sends US Iraq war robots out of control

Ian 31

None of that tinned crap thank you.

If ours are anything to go by it would have to be chicken, prawns, mince beef or melon.

Yes melon.

We worry about Lenny sometimes.

Administrator access: Right or privilege?

Ian 31

Pride Comes Before A Fall......

I quote,

'is also very easily worked around for those of us who neither make mistokes'

Damn fine work Pete, you can take your foot out of your mouth now.

Cash-strapped trolley dollies in nude calendar protest

Ian 31
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Title says it all. I'm a simple soul, easily pleased.

Corduroy cuffed, banged up for teaching while drunk

Ian 31

Slightly Off Topic.

My A level maths teacher was a tall thin scottish nun who always made me, Mark, Robin and John sit at the back during double maths on a Friday afternoon. We finally asked her why she did this on a week long retreat at a monastery called Kintbury in the South of England. Her answer was, 'If you're all sat at the back I can't smell your breath so i don't have to raise your drinking as a disciplinary issue'.

Always had a lot of respect for Sister *** after that, especially when she demonstrated she could drink us all under the table while we were at the retreat.

God bless you Sister, wherever you are now.

Computer glitch prompts 50 raids on elderly couple's home

Ian 31

Workaround <> Fix

They don't know what's going on do they? So instead of fixing the problem they bodge it. FFS they've had 4 years to work out what's going on. Numpties. And God help Mr and Mrs Martin if they ever ring the police because they need them.

Wanders off muttering to self in search of more beer......

Manchester's on fire for ID cards, claims ID minister

Ian 31

Manchester On Fire for ID Cards?


Seriously, I live and work in Manchester and I haven't come across anybody saying they're going to get an ID card. The usual response when you ask people about ID cards is either:

a) No thanks, I know who I am

b) What, you need a passport to get an ID card? Then WTF do I need an ID card for?

This government is a bunch of fucking not rights if you ask me.

Scots unleash world's strongest beer

Ian 31


'just as you would struggle with more than a dram or 2 or bog standard 12 year old malt.'


US sorority girls in booze-fuelled orgy of violence

Ian 31

New here?

This is a Register article written by Lewis Page, there might have been a touch of sarcasm involved in the violent games/movies -> violent behaviour link.

Just possibly, Ok?

Brit kids failing to fall out of trees

Ian 31


Always climb the tree on the opposite side to where the nettles are growing. Trust me on this.

Pants bombs vs America: The infernal conflict

Ian 31

Re Euro-Whine

To quote from the article,

'Having said all this, the possibility exists that it will work some day.'

I also think you'll find the George Smith in question is an American.

Oz anti-censorship site is censored

Ian 31

@Neal 5

Umm, that would be the famous quote where the U-Boat captain demands

'Your name will also go on the list! What is it?'

of the singer of

'Whistle while you work, Hitler is a twerp, he's half-barmy, so's his army, whistle while you work!'

and Mainwaring shouts 'Don't tell him Pike'


You can look it up on the internets you know.

Conservatives promise 'lights on, lights off' IT policy

Ian 31

Ok, who's playing silly buggers?

This sounds positively sensible.

From a politician.

And I haven't been drinking.


Ralph Lauren DMCAs thin Photoshop skills

Ian 31

Soup and Sandwiches?

Pointless in her case. Steak and kidney pudding, mushy peas, chips and gravy twice a day for a month and there may be some hope.


Stay away from my missus.

Chaps: Give up, you'll never understand women

Ian 31
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No thanks, bring on the chubby birds!

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