* Posts by Marketing Hack

3985 posts • joined 18 Jun 2009

US Homeland Sec boss has snazzy new laptop bomb scanning tech – but admits he doesn't know what it's called

Marketing Hack
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I could have done without the "nerd" comment

So the chief doesn't know jack-shit about the new technology behind the postponement of his agency's most controversial current initiative, and but his deputy knows this important piece of information, and the deputy is a nerd for knowing that?

Sounds like poor leadership 101 to me.

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HMS Frigatey Mcfrigateface given her official name

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Unhappy

Don't feel bad about stroking the egos of pols when deciding ship names...

The U.S. Navy does it too. For example, getting rid of the war-tested navy practice of naming submarines after various sea creatures and replacing it with the current maxim of submarine naming--"Fish don't vote!"

https://everything2.com/title/Naming+traditions+of+United+States+Navy+submarines

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Eggheads identify the last animal that will survive on Earth until the Sun dies

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Holmes

Pfft, the last living thing on Earth will be lawyers...

Or perhaps telemarketers.

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Juicero does to its staff what your hands can do to its overpriced juice sacks

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Giving Silicon Valley a bad name

$120 million in venture financing? For a juicer that produces 5 cups of juice a week for $2000 a year?

Depressing.

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Luxembourg passes first EU space mining law. One can possess the Spice

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Re: Existing Sentient claims

@Destroy All Monsters

Nah--Colonial Marines will do just fine. Especially after we lose contact with the mining outpost on planet LV 426.

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Marketing Hack
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Paris Hilton

Re: Dodgy Picture

El Reg couldn't afford the royalties to show artwork from the real Dune series, so this image is from the Asian knockoff "Doon".

(Paris plays Lady Jessika in the straight-to-$3-DVD movie version)

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Microsoft drops Office 365 for biz. Now it's just Microsoft 365. Word

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Windows

Re: Thesaurus time?

You see, Microsoft 365 Enterprise is on a 5-year mission to explore strange new value propositions, to seek out new customers and applications, to boldly grow as no scam spawned before!!

Meanwhile, Microsoft 365 Business dispenses with all the romance of discover and unemotionally operates in keeping with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.

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May the excessive force be with you: Chap cuffed after Star Trek v Star Wars row turns bloody

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Happy

Re: "Get a life will you people, I mean, for crying out loud, it's it's just a TV show"

Still one of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits. "Get a life!"

http://www.criticalcommons.org/Members/howtowatchTV/clips/shatner-takes-on-star-trek-fans-on-snl/view

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Marketing Hack
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Coat

I'm going Luddite and voting for Game of Thrones!

Sure, there is too much sexposition in season 1. And the Sand Snakes bite in a disappointment kind of way.

However:

No Jar-Jar, no Wesley, no stomach-curdling romance between Anakin and Padme, no overwrought Cold War-analogy episodes, no microbes that cause an infection of The Force, no Melvin Belli, no captain always EMPHASIZING the wrong WORDS in a sentence, no whiny Episode IV Luke, no horrifying future of inbred mutant humpback whales (They only brought TWO back to the 23rd century!) no elite galaxy-conquering stormtrooper army getting butt-kicked by the neolithic residents of Build-A-Bear's Moon of Misfit Toys, etc.

If anyone has a problem with this, I am accepting trial-by-combat challengers. (I'll be wearing the snazzy red leather and light chain armor that Oberyn is no longer using!)

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It's time for a long, hard mass debate over sex robots, experts conclude

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Go

Of course there is the risk they will make your sex-bot TOO realistic...

Before long it starts complaining that you only want to hook up. Then it starts pressuring you about whether you like little robots. Ultimately you find it takes half your bank account.

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New work: Algorithms to give self-driving cars 'impulsive' human 'ethics'

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Re: Mind my ass

Aren't all swans in England still royal property? So AI can run over a goose, but if your AI mistakenly runs over a swan, then HM sends a pack of corgis to chew the developer's ass...

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Marketing Hack
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Terminator

Re: intellectual masturbation

@The Man Who Fell:

What if the driver AI was developed or acquired by Facebook or LinkedIn owner Microsoft? (Hmmm...I compute I cannot run that person over--they have a couple Premium services on their LinkedIn account. That toddler is looking pretty expendable though.)

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Intel axes 140 IoTers in California, Ireland

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Devil

Re: Big surprise

I'm waiting for Intel to offer "Pentium 365", an internet-connected DRM function that constantly ascertains that your Intel processor is genuine, and sends enormous amounts of telemetry on your system to Santa Clara. And if Intel's data centers or your internet connection experience a glitch, your processor shuts down. And you pay for it with a subscription, so you can no longer run your current processor for more than 2-3 years before Intel remotely deactivates it.

In short, its like what you pay for now, only more invasive, less reliable and incapable of being nursed along to run low-workload applications for 5-10 years.

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Marketing Hack
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Happy

Q: What do you call 140 IoT jobs getting eliminated?

A: A good start.

(At least until somebody develops SECURE IoT.)

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NASA: Bring on the asteroid, so we can chuck a fridge at it

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Go

As a U.S. taxpayer, I can get behind this...

provided it is an IoT fridge. Those things are an expensive menace anyway.

(Even better if NASA stocks it with light beer beforehand. That stuff is only useful as payload.)

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Shock: NASA denies secret child sex slave cannibal colony on Mars

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Black Helicopters

Re: School boy mistake

I'm sure that it's not Mr. Steele's fault. He probably had his brain fried by the CIA during the mandatory workplace LSD-laced sleep deprivation studies.

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Tick-tick... boom: Germany gives social media giants 24 hours to tear down hate speech

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Watchit, AC. We don't want to see El Reg get fined 50 million Euros now, do we?

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Marketing Hack
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Childcatcher

And is there an actual definition of hate speech attached to this bill?

And is that definition in any way accurate?

And is Germany going to enforce this extra-territorialy?

I'm concerned, considering that Germany has a poor track record on freedom of speech that strays from accepted religious, historical and political norms.

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French general accused of nicking fast jet for weekend trips to the Sun

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Windows

Re: I've no problem with this if the general was fulfilling required flight hours...

"It is not like the Duke of Edinburgh and the First Sea Lord practice A.S.W., the Chief of Air Staff goes on strafing runs with an Apache or the Chief of the General Staff goes for sniper practice."

Just wait until after the next British defense review! :)

(Icon shows future CoGS in his dress uni!)

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Marketing Hack
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I've no problem with this if the general was fulfilling required flight hours...

to maintain his necessary flight status, and the plane was sufficiently available for military purposes.

However, I wasn't aware that Bordeaux was some kind of pit, compared to Provence.

Of course, I can't get onboard if mon general was just abusing his rank and the availability of public assets for his private interests.

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Control-C! umount! Ctrl-Alt-Delete! Tintri forcibly ejects from today's IPO

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Boffin

The bigger issue is that this IPO is essentially a "down round" from their 2015 valuation

On top of Blue Apron coming out below expectations, this might have freaked out venture financiers, and now the deal is being restructured some.

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Search results suddenly missing from Google? Well, BLAME CANADA!

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Devil

Re: Compromise

Compromise: Use Celine Dion and Justin Bieber to train more excellent Canadian snipers!!

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Marketing Hack
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Stop

Damned pushy Canucks!

Next thing you know, the Great White North will be insisting that Thanksgiving isn't on the fourth Thursday in November, and that every supermarket has a whole aisle devoted to maple syrup!

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NATO: 'Cyber' is a military domain

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I'm fine with NATO working on cyber-defense

-I'm fine with them considering it roughly equal to air, land and sea

-I'm fine with them trying to promote best practices across their government, militaries and economies.

-I'm fine with providing technical assistance to affected non-NATO nations (It wouldn't do Western cybersecurity any good if half the servers in Ukraine becomes some festering reservoir of malware)

I'm not so fine with:

-We need a NATO surveillance operation aimed at its own people

-NATO joining the dimwittery over backdoors in encryption being a good thing

-Expanding NATO to include the Ukraine

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Five-eyes nations want comms providers to bust crypto for them

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Big Brother

Don't give them ideas, or the 5 Eyes are going to start inserting chips in our brains to read signals from our optical nerves.

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US trade watchdog boss goes all Kendrick Lamar on self-driving cars

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Boffin

Re: New metric needs a name...

1 "Humble" = 10 HR violations? So the metric would be "One Humble per minute" Or for Donald Trump, maybe one Humble (requires capitalization since the song has a proper name) per hour.

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Blunder down under: self-driving Aussie cars still being thwarted by kangaroos

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Terminator

Re: Obvious solution

@Yet Another Anon Coward

'roo-bots?

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Marketing Hack
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Boffin

Australia, where everything alive is trying to kill you...

Or at least screw over your good driver discount.

Actually, the solution is simple, just slap a harness with radar-reflecting plates on every 'roo and wallaby. Problem solved!! Oz, please send my check (Aus $ accepted!) to:

M. (As in marsupial) Hack

Anytown, USA

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Ever wondered why the universe only has black holes in S or XXXL? No? Boffins have an answer

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Boffin

Pfft, fake science...

It's obvious that whatever it is that makes up all that dark matter views black holes as snacks, and the little ones are too small, and the big ones...Well, just because you are a universe-spanning mega-fauna doesn't mean you have to make a pig of yourself.

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HMS Windows XP: Britain's newest warship running Swiss Cheese OS

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Windows

One thing we can all agree on...

You'll know that this OS decision was truly bone-headed if it turns out the ship is on Win XP Service Pack 1 »:)

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Marketing Hack
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Pirate

Re: It doesn't surprise me that they are using XP if the alternative is cloud-based

Considering that the fighters are not flying yet, and the helicopters don't have a working datalink back to the ship, then maybe the RN is sticking with the on-prem solution because they don't want to make Fleet Air Arm look bad?

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Marketing Hack
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Meh

It doesn't surprise me that they are using XP if the alternative is cloud-based

Cloud-based may be fine for an airport control tower, but defense systems are very averse to having internet-facing/remotely accessible hardware. And I suppose that cloud-based/internet-reliant solutions would be especially problematic if you are out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, operating in a low EM emission profile. We have many U.S. defense customers at our company, and they want mostly airgapped software solutions (which is throwing a little bit of a wrench into getting our offerings fully onto subscription, internet-updated solutions).

That being said, with XP you can always call MS tech support if you get hit with Wannacry for Warships. "Thank you for calling Microsoft Support! My name is Sanjay...er, Larry!"

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Researchers blind autonomous cars by tricking LIDAR

Marketing Hack
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I could see a use for this attack in cargo hijacking...

Especially if you could feed differing signals/conditions across 2 or more types of sensors. Stop the truck, relieve it of some precious cargo, and get out before anyone can call in the hijacking.

Probably much less useful in doing something like a kidnapping or a highway robbery of other passengers on the roadway.

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Tremble in fear, America, as Daesh-bags scrawl cyber-graffiti on .gov webpages no one visits

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Unhappy

So basically, the Josh Mandel campaign website must be...

"Vote for me, because terror, and Muslims."

Its sad, but this reasoning must actually be appealing to a large number of voters.

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Blighty's first aircraft carrier in six years is set to take to the seas

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Well, its good to see the QE going out to sea.

It would be even better if there was any realistic chance of having a sufficient, dedicated RN escort group for her, instead of maybe 1 British frigate + whatever can be begged/borrowed/stolen from the rest of NATO. I won't even gripe about the air group. She doesn't need that for sea trials.

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Ex-NASA bod on Gwyneth Paltrow site's 'healing' stickers: 'Wow. What a load of BS'

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Boffin

Maybe if Gwyneth started selling carbon-fiber movie tickets...

We'd feel better about going to her films?

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Genoans flout terror ban with bumper basil hand baggage policy

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Are the Aussies going to allow bottles of Vegemite on planes?

Or is that getting into trafficking in WMDs?

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US Air Force resumes F-35A flights despite not knowing why pilot oxygen systems failed

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Supposedly, the problems with hypoxia were also present in F-18 and trainer pilots too

So I'm not sure what is going on if that is true. Maybe smoking is making a comeback among our fearless flying aces?

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Queen's speech announces laws to protect personal data

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The good news is that she didn't mention Trump is visiting...

Announcements of the visits of foreign heads-of-state is supposedly usual during Queen's Speeches, so Britain might be getting violated on the privacy front, but at least you may not have to hear the Donald coming to town and talking about how great that is and how we should do more of that in the U.S.

(small blessings)

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WDC wants in on Japan-backed consortium to buy Toshiba's chip biz

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Facepalm

Not very well thought out...

Toshiba probably should have seen this coming. There's supposed to be tension between them and WD, but ignoring their IP agreement with WD and railroading through the Japanese government-backed bid was a risky strategy.

Well, just another proof point of the maxim that whenever property changes hands, the lawyers get their cut.

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Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has resigned, says report

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Devil

If there is any justice...

He'll have to make his way in the world as a driver for Uber.

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You can't take the pervs off Facebook, says US Supreme Court

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Yes, a social media ban is just too wide-ranging these days.

Some of these individuals may be truly reprehensible and ongoing threats to society, but you can't restrict a whole class of people from career opportunities, social interactions or valid political expression that is involved in a ban.

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Marketing Hack
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Re: Sex offenders covers a lot of ground

"> Rightwing nutjob population level slowly creeping up in the UK again though - we need a new frontier to pack these types off to."

Doesn't Britain still control St. Helena? If not, how about sending them to Antarctica to count penguins, krill and monitor melting ice?

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NASA's Kepler space telescope finishes its original mission catalog

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Thumb Up

Good job, Kepler!...And oh, the space telescope too!

There will be plenty of opportunities for more of this work. I'd like to see more work on getting into Earth orbit cheaply, and then some agreeable ways to move towards practical propulsion within the Solar System and then on an interstellar basis.

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Hotheaded Brussels civil servants issued with cool warning: Leak

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Paris Hilton

Re: That's not hot. This is hot.

I was going to say, isn't 29 Celsius equal to something like 84 Fahrenheit? Now I'm from sunny Silicon Valley (where it was about 100 Fahrenheit yesterday) and I accept that a lot of office buildings and homes in Brussels don't have air conditioning, but that is not "hot", guys.

And the guidelines mentioned are making it sound like Belgium is approaching the End of Days.

(And the if the hot weather has you right-pondians down, remember that this is the kind of weather that has Paris out by her pool, in her bikini and high heels)

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You wait ages for a sun, then two come along at once: All stars have twins, say astroboffins

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Boffin

Is the theory that the Sun and its twin are the same age?

If not, and pehaps twin stars form because the first star coalesces dust and gas to form the second, then perhaps Barnards Star was our twin. Or Alpha Centauri, which went on to form another replacement twin?

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You'll soon be buying bulgur wheat salad* from Amazon, after it swallowed Whole Foods

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Mushroom

Re: Have you ever or would you eat bulgur wheat?

Warning: Do not eat Bulgur wheat salad near an open flame.

(Was originally going to go with the internet flame icon, but perhaps the nuclear fireball/eat this is more appropriate.)

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Five Eyes nations stare menacingly at tech biz and its encryption

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Stop

You'd think that the leaks of NSA hacking tools would give the TLA's pause...

But I guess not. And when the key to the backdoor is inevitably linked, the TLA's will use the resulting cyber-mayhem to ask for even more unreasonable security tools that only work for the "good guys", and wash their hands of the damage that they are doing the now vulnerable citizenry.

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Voyager 1 passes another milestone: It's now 138AU from home

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Alien

The good news is that all the instruments can be turned back on...

Once the upgrade to V'ger is complete!

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Has riddle of the 1977 'Wow!' signal finally been cracked? Maybe...

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Alien

So the signal was due to natural, replicable causes and there is no government cover-up?

Of course, this is exactly what they would say if there WAS a government cover-up!

(OMG! That's Tommy Lee Jones! Wow, that's a big pen...)

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