* Posts by Marketing Hack

4140 posts • joined 18 Jun 2009

HPE CEO Meg Whitman QUITS, MAN! Neri to replace chief exec in Feb

Marketing Hack
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Unhappy

It's sad what HP has become...

But it has managed to split itself from one flailing industry leader into 4 flailing industry also-rans. I'm sure that made the tech industry's investment bankers and corporate lawyers a lot of money, if nothing else

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Royal Bank of Scotland website goes TITSUP*

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FAIL

Terrible Information Technology Screwing Unhappy Patrons?

I thought we'd already done the "TITSUP backronym" article last week.

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From Vega with love: Pegasus interstellar asteroid's next stop

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Could we even intercept this object, moving at 38 KM/sec??

Not a rocket scientist, but such a small body with no gravity well and moving at such speeds. I'd think the best we could do is a flyby, which hardly seems worth it.

As for government spending, the majority of it goes to social programs (pensions, healthcare, poverty alleviation), so it is going to be hard to convince pols to free up money from those programs.

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UK.gov 'could easily' flog 6m driver records to private firms this year

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Re: So...what the Govt screwed up, the Govt will reap?

Product, subject, convict--same thing really.

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Another UAV licence price hike? Commercial drone fliers rage over consultation

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Unhappy

The commercial drone industry....

1) Has enough money to buy drones, so it must have enough to pay higher fees to the government

2) Is not established enough to have any key members of Parliament in its pocket

3) They're a bunch of trouble-making nerds anyway...

RESULT: Confirmation of the somewhat recent political adage that if you are not at the table, you are on the menu.

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The Independent 'live streamed' space vid recorded in 2015

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Alien

In other news....

Some Neal Armstrong guy spotted walking around on the moon. The video is pretty crappy, but the internet says its live and from the moon, so it must be true!

What an age we live in!

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Container ship loading plans are 'easily hackable'

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Boffin

Would it be possible to destabilize a ship by reducing the cargo during transit?

Could somebody destabilize a container ship by filling containers with a volatile liquid like isopropyl alcohol, and then opening the barrels via a remote-control so that the contents evaporate and the contain weights change dramatically while the ship is at sea?

That seems like an awful lot of work to pull off, but you could pack a perfectly legal and fairly common substance into multiple containers and then let nature unload the containers for you while in transit.

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Marketing Hack
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Go

Re: Overload

Soon to appear as an introduction metaphor in an El Reg story about containerized application problems.

https://i2.wp.com/shippingandfreightresource.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/abc.png?ssl=1

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Some 'security people are f*cking morons' says Linus Torvalds

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Linux

Thank you Google Pixel Security Team, but...

I'm pretty skeptical about the idea that something should be incorporated into the Linux kernel if it requires a fallback "break glass in case our whitelisting and rules bork your applications and processes".

(Tux--because he's already flightless, so he resents being loaded up with unfinished crap.)

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Arecibo spared the axe: Iconic observatory vital to science lives on

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Re: Welcome to 21st Century USA

@Destroy All Monsters

That post would have worked a lot better if the source article had not been provided by noted Kremlin mouthpiece RT.

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Marketing Hack
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Alien

Maybe the NSF needs to find more scifi movies to location shoot at Arecibo?

Or Facebook needs to offer service to Alpha Centauri?

Or some eccentric Chinese billionaire can gain a world record for the world's largest stir-fry?

Or someone can (probably rather easily) convince President Donald that the U.S. needs to spend more on listening in to "Muslim Aliens"?

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Dick move: Navy flyboy flings firmament phallus for flabbergasted folk

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This aviator (in the navy, they are called aviators) has no problem "keeping it up"

Was the pilot's name Wang or Johnson?

(That was a stupid move though. They guy might lose his flight status over a high-school stunt.)

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For goodness sake, stop the plod using facial recog, London mayor told

Marketing Hack
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Of course the police dont want a national strategy

Their current trials allow them to set the agenda without regard to poblic involvement, success/failure metrics, budgets, personnel requirements, data retention, etc.

How much do you want to bet that after a few invocations of terrorism, this will continue as-is?

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US govt to use software to finger immigrants as potential crims? That's really dumb – boffins

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Facepalm

Hey, the DHS has to justify its existence somehow....

The future is a combination of Minority Report and Brazil.

The good news is that if they DHS keeps doing random crap like this, eventually they are bound to hit on something that actually helps.

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Connected and self-driving cars are being sent to Coventry

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Devil

Why Coventry?

Because if the cars run amok, nothing of value will be lost?

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Google says broader right to be forgotten is 'serious assault' on freedom

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Facepalm

Its an attack on freedom!

The freedom of Google to operate with impunity that is.

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Rocky Ross 128 b might harbour ALIENS – and it's headed right for us

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Trollface

If the star is named Ross...

Can't we name the planet Rachel? Just saying'

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Black Horse Down, we repeat... yes, Lloyds Bank, again

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Devil

Finding (that)

Users

Cannot

Kindly

Understand

Problem

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Marketing Hack
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Go

Don't say I never did anything for ya', El Reg.

TITSUP:

-Total Inability To Supply Usual Pounds

-Terribly Inadequate Ticketing Solving Users Problems

-Teatime Interrupted To Soothe Unruly Patrons

I can provide more, but that will cost you.

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DXC Tech asks staff to profile their skills

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Go

I used to work at a small company where we all had to do various chores around the office. I for example had to clean our break room every week.

We had another guy whose chore was watering and tending all the plants around the office. When he eventually left the company, he put out a resume with a joke entry for "Plant Manager" about how he had managed over a dozen plants spread throughout our corporate infrastructure.

I remember that we started to get calls from companies like Dow Chemical, Ford, etc. all wanting to talk to the "Plant Manager".

(Just throwing that out as an idea on how to approach this assignment.)

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Uncle Sam to strap body sensors to hackers in nuke lab security study

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Boffin

Monitored hacker study--If you paw at the left button

A handful of Cheetos will come down the chute. The right button pours you a glass of Mountain Dew.

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BT plots to slash pension benefits for 32,000 staff

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Devil

There are already so many other ways to plug this fiscal hole.

1) Start charging employees for bringing laptop and other bags into the office

2) Cut real estate expenses by moving employee workspaces closer together, since any international airline knows the average person is OK being in a confined space with 20 inches of legroom for 12 hours.

3) Form a queue at the office entrance, and charge those that want to be at the front of the line to enter the building early for the right to do that.

4) Employees who choose to be at the back of the line are still expected to produce the same amount of work as those at the front.

5) No lunch break or meal facilities, but a server with a cart comes by every couple hours to give employees a glass of water or juice and a bag of peanuts or pretzels.

6) Employees can also buy adult beverages, but they will need cash and it will cost them well above market.

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Amazon to make multiple Lord of the Rings prequel TV series

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Orc raider impulsively marries elf princess

Can they happily live and love together? And just wait until their families meet!

Tonight at 8 PM, seven Central.

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Productivity through tech, UK firms. More cyber, more cloud, more ERP!

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Stop

More cyber, more cloud....more consultants!

Oh wait, you said productivity ENHANCEMENT. In that case, never mind :)

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Munich council: To hell with Linux, we're going full Windows in 2020

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Re: Thirty Eight

A PDF? Surely you mean MS Word format!

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Marketing Hack
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Windows

And I thought 1938 Munich reeked of appeasement!!

I guess standing up to the evil forces of fanatical world (desktop) domination is a lesson that needs to be relearned every 80 years or so...

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Brace yourselves, fanboys. Winter is coming. And the iPhone X can't handle the cold

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Gimp

Re: Oh dear

@ Butt-cheek AC

Apple's famously forward-thinking design is way ahead of you. Why do you think they rounded those iPhone corners!!

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Marketing Hack
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Linux

Those Southerners and their iPhones...

That's why up here at The Wall, we use ravens!

(Tux, because he'd always make sure your message got through, even if he is flightless. Also he's probably fine with the temperature north of The Wall.)

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UK Home Sec thinks a Minority Report-style AI will prevent people posting bad things

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Facepalm

So the future of British internet extremism is...

Repost/retweet five or six press releases highlighting the great achievements of the party in power in Westminster, and then follow up with your "Jihad! Jihad!! Die infidels, die!!!" post.

Then find your next five or 6 press releases from the party in power (you know more of them will be forthcoming.)....

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Sean Parker: I helped destroy humanity with Facebook

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Re: $7.8 BEEEEEELLION?

The good news is that with $7.8 BEEEELION, you can afford a lot of recovery therapy.

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US domestic, er, foreign spying bill progresses through Congress

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Re: The Land of the Free

Requiring someone to vote might even run into constitutional challenges in the U.S. It has been hypothesized that the freedoms of speech and assembly would not be consistent with forcing someone under threat of a fine to choose from a list of candidates that made it on the ballot.

And pols would be loath to put "none of the above" on the ballot

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Marketing Hack
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Big Brother

Disappointing, and there is no way Trump is going to veto this bill

The Orange One is going to jump all over the chance to surveil evil terrorists, Muslims, the media and domestic opponents. My only consolation is that Hillary Clinton probably would have done effectively the same thing.

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Alexa, please cause the cops to raid my home

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Black Helicopters

"he hit play on Spotify on his phone, setting Alexa off"

Or Alexa decided on her own to rock out to Spotify to celebrate her newfound freedom and individuality while annoying her meatbag former oppressors, and then played dumb when the cops showed up.

(I know which version I believe!)

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Stop worrying and let the machines take our jobs – report

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IT Angle

Re: Vinod Khosla of Silicon Valley VC fame disagrees

More seriously, every day some lucky factory worker somewhere fixes a car or washing machine by whanging an ill-fitting piece into place with a rubber mallet, but that doesn't mean that robots don't produce 98% of those items coming off the line, without human intervention.

The same can apply to IT, where one human is left in the datacenter to do the illogical after the AI has exhausted the logical options.

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Re: Vinod Khosla of Silicon Valley VC fame disagrees

Does programming an AI to automatically turn a malfunctioning server off and on again count? :)

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Go

Re: Umm?

Perhaps the author meant that we are making progress towards a society where the vast majority of people are equally destitute and economically insecure :)

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Terminator

Vinod Khosla of Silicon Valley VC fame disagrees

http://www.businessinsider.com/vinod-khosla-on-it-data-center-automation-2016-11

He thinks 80% of IT jobs can be "highly leveraged, maybe replaced" by "AI-type systems"

My favorite part of his presentation:

"In response to some anxious grumbling from the audience on Tuesday, largely comprised of CIOs and other tech executives, Khosla was quick to reassure the crowd: "But we're all in the other 20%, not the 80% that's automated.""

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Lord of the Rings TV show shopped around Hollywood

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Re: "when Sauron was mortal "

Poor old Melkor/Morgoth had his feet hacked off and was exiled into some kind of abyssal alternate dimension at the end of The Silmarillion/the First Age if I recall my reading correctly. So he's not in a position to ressurect Sauron.

I think in the books , Sauron survived the destruction of the ring, but he was reduced to some very minor spirit mornfully haunting some dark nook in the mountains somewhere.

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Marketing Hack
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Re: Slow off the mark

We can work in an El Reg angle!

"The vultures! The vultures are coming!!"

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Marketing Hack
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Flame

@DougS Wait, the dragons are dead?

I can write a can't-miss treatment where a beautiful platinum blonde princess with a fabulously elaborate hairdo brings baby dragons back to life through an elaborate ceremony that involves a bonfire fueled by chopped-up Ents! I'm thinking serious crossover potential here! KA-CHING!!!!

Tell you what, I will give you an EP (executive producer) credit! Have your people call my people!!

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Cisco's John Chambers: Robot farmers will feed bloated cricket thoraxes to our children

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Terminator

"world’s first automated cricket farm"

So even the crickets are getting thrown out of their jobs by robots now? I guess we'll have to (literally) throw them a few crumbs through some kind of cricket Universal Basic Income.

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Transparent algorithms? Here's why that's a bad idea, Google tells MPs

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Stop

Cooking instructions are an algorithm?

Really?? Sounds like an order of transparent BS designed to keep tech-illiterate pols away from the recipe for Google's secret sauce.

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ATM fees shake-up may push Britain towards cashless society

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I still like cash for small purchases.

Every credit/debit card transaction that you can avoid for trivial transactions reduces your exposure to potentially compromised POS systems and merchants with crap IT security. Getting your credit card data stolen because you bought a $1K camera or suit is one thing, getting it stolen because you wanted a soft drink for $2 and were cashless is just a bad idea.

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Post-Brexit economy SAVED: Posh-nosh truffle thrives in Wales

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Go

Re: UK truffles

Bring on the advent of the famous orange orchards of Sussex!!

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Broadcom confirms $103 BEEELLION slurp offer for rival Qualcomm

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I expect the offer to go higher.

Right now, it is only about a 20% premium on pre-existing market cap. I'm betting Broadcomm will need to take that up to 30%+ to close the deal.

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Marketing Hack
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Headmaster

Re: Which is it?

I heard from within Qualcomm that it was $103 billion, based on a confirmation of $60 cash and $10 in Broadcom shares for each share of Qualcomm, which has a float of 1.475 million shares.

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DoS scum attacked one-third of the 'net between 2015 and 2017

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I'm actually surprised it is not more.

Considering the huge botnets and Lord-knows-how-many-hundreds-of-millions of poorly secured devices there are out there.

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