* Posts by Alistair Dabbs

843 posts • joined 19 May 2009

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(You can't) buy one now! The flying car makes its perennial return

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Calories (or whatever measure of energy expenditure you prefer)

Spin bikes? You go to much posher gyms than I do.

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Switch on your smartphone camera and look how fertile I am

Alistair Dabbs

>> glorified microscope

I think the real work is in the proprietary software that analyses the sample for sperm count and movement.

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Customer satisfaction is our highest priority… OK, maybe second-highest… or third...

Alistair Dabbs

>> Well I read the first half then gave up as I don't give a shit.

What a shame. You missed the oh-so-funny screenshots in the second half. And the video of me going to the toilet.

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Forget robot overlords, humankind will get finished off by IoT

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Already a solution

You will also have stolen a robot. I am told that stolen smartphones are rarely resold intact any more, thieves preferring to have them dissembled before selling on the more valuable reusable components. The same could go for stolen robots.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: "Car horns symphonise accompanied by" arrrghhh!

"symphonise" is intentional. It's a verb. If I'd written "symphonies", the sentence would lack a main verb and therefore not be a sentence at all.

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Why do GUIs jump around like a demented terrier while starting up? Am I on my own?

Alistair Dabbs

Re: El Reg?

Try https://m.theregister.co.uk/

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The future of Not Reality is a strap-on that talks to my smarting ring

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Take, for example, Illuminated Apparel’s interactive glow t-shirt.

I know what you mean but I wasn't in the mood to run around requesting permission from hundreds of people who might be included in a landscape video.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: The best stand was...

That's not my bag.

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Palmtop nostalgia is tinny music to my elephantine ears

Alistair Dabbs

Re: $600?

$400 if you pay up-front for the non-existent model. 600 if you wait for a real one without manufacturing snags.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: When is the last time you decided to use your 7" or less phablet in portrait mode?

>> What means "portrait" and "landscape

These terms derive from photography. Some developers, including Adobe, also use the more sensible" vertical" and "horizontal".

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Buyer beware

Your Nexus in landscape mode is only horrible because the on-screen keyboard is in the way. Now imagine you kept full-screen graphics, then had a smooth slide-out keyboard of physical keys of a similar size to those on your laptop keyboard but closer together. Lovely.

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I want it hot and wet – preferably with Wi-Fi

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Hoping Ultravox were under drugs..

I was always partial to Young Savage from Ultravox's John Foxx days.

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Alistair Dabbs

Monmouth Coffee

They don't open until 8am. No good to me.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Where was this, pray tell?

Rotherhithe.

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Welcome to my world of The Unexplained – yes, you're welcome to it

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Dictionary recommended for this man

Is there a book that tells me what "Upon really don't know" means too?

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Would you like to know why I get a lot of action at night?

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Sorry

I'll be the one sitting next to you, farting repeatedly for three hours with rancid odours. It's a medical thing, though, so that's OK, right? Just like your sniffing.

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2017 is already fail: Let’s try a Chinese reboot

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Chinese New Year

People keep referring to Year of the Rooster here in the UK, despite "rooster" being the American name. So I try to correct everyone by pointing out that it is the Year of the Cock.

"I'm a dragon," I'll say. "Are you a cock?"

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Dabbsy,

I went off the Time Warp after Tim slagged it off in Spaced for being a naff song to play at a party. Which reminds me, I must drag up a Spaced video for next week's column. For those unfamiliar with Spaced, here's a taster.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Can I just mention in passing....

Next thing, you'll be telling me pizzas aren't Italian.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: We're gonna go back... way back...

I still receive invitations to attend meetings for a project I stopped working on a year ago. They use Outlook.

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Baird is the word: Netflix's grandaddy gets bronze London landmark

Alistair Dabbs

Cite for that

I don't think Planet Earth was showing that week.

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My hole is a private thing – see for yourself

Alistair Dabbs

temporary license to listen

This reminds me of the time when I still had an office in London's trendy Hoxton and the performing rights people rang up aggressively demanding money. They seemed convinced that since it was an office and my employees were working in it, we would by default have a radio blaring out somewhere. I can only imagine that they think magazine publishing companies are run like motor garages, with our editors and salesteam walking around in oil-stained overalls and spanner in hand, while singing along to the latest hits on the radio.

When I told the woman on the phone that we didn't have a radio, she didn't even bother to threaten a surprise inspection visit: she told me outright that I would be fined. I said "go ahead" and put the phone down. Never heard a thing from them again.

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Slim pickings by the Biggest Loser: A year of fitness wearables

Alistair Dabbs

Tom Tom do GPS fitness watches, and are typical of those that cannot desensitise when being worn on the right wrist instead of left.

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You want SaaS? Don't bother, darling, your kind can't afford it

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Ah, the lure of "the cloud"...

Not at all. I can export all data to XLS, CSV and Sage. My provider adds features frequently and has an API that links into other SaaS products from other developers.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: 'semi-automation using Zapier'

The free version supports a handful of two-step workflows, which is all my local micro-gym needs. But don't tell him I said so.

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Alistair Dabbs

>> I thought you said you were a Tech Journalist?

I can be whatever I want to be. I learnt that off Spongebob Squarepants.

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Customer data security is our highest priori- ha ha ha whatever, suckers

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Blame the (L)user

Gawd, I'm reminded of the weeks of hassle I had at one newspaper company in 2010 simply to persuade someone high up in the IT department to allow me - and only me out of thousands of employees and contractors - access to a Dropbox account from a company PC.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Aw poo.

I don't know why the video isn't playing - normally YouTube makes it clear when a video doesn't want to be embedded (rather than letting you embed it but not let you play it).

You can watch it here.

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A cardboard desk? I won’t stand for it (actually I will)

Alistair Dabbs

Re: More testing needed

The legs are stable and very strong: they are composed of multiple layers glued together, about 1.5cm thick. I admit it's a challenge to ensure a taut fit when slotting them in place without creasing any other part or crushing the corners of the slots. But as my mini video demonstrates, the forward-backward stability might be like a rock but side-to-side is a bit creaky.

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Any questions? No, not you again at the back, please God no

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Why Safari?

The compass icon idea was ripped off Netscape Navigator but Apple knew by then Netscape was too irrelevant to fight back.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Fear of flying

>> Three guys got vomitted on by some poor woman.

I hear that some men will pay for that sort of thing.

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Getting your tongue around foreign tech-talk is easier than you think

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Auld Alliance vs Perfidious Albion

I assure you if there's another Scottish referendum to quit the UK, I will be first in line to apply for a Scottish passport.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Bigger vegetables?

I'm a vegetarian.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Destination

Not hot enough, sorry, and I can't afford it.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Cul de sac

>> And we talk about réalité virtuelle, intelligence artificielle and objets connectés

Not at that meeting. The presenter kept referring to "ee-oh-tay" until someone had to stop her and ask what she was talking about.

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Apple’s macOS Sierra update really puts the fan into 'fanboi'

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Alistair Dabbs' writing style gives me a headache.

And if it had been a podcast it would give you eye strain?

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Try safari clean start

I'm finding Chrome surprisingly well-behaved on the Mac, given what a resource hog it has usually been under Windows.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Hang on Dabbsy

Bloody hell, AT LAST! I was beginning to wonder why I bother with these nerd gags if no-one gets them.

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Alistair Dabbs

Swinsian

Thanks for the tip on Swinsian but I don't use iTunes for playing music. I use it to sync my iOS devices, and I have lots of them because of my work. I could do it all via iCloud but I'd run out of space up there immediately and be forced to pay Apple for more storage etc... and STILL have to use iTunes to manage it all.

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Invasion of the virus-addled lightbulbs (and other banana stories)

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Acid Burn's slacks

I take it you are the co-respondent to Brad Pitt's suit?

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Pull the plug! PowerPoint may kill my conference audience

Alistair Dabbs

Disinterested

You suspect wrong. I know what disinterested means and it is the word I intended. It means impartial: the audience was impassive because they didn't care one way or another. If they were bored, they would not have been siting still.

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Alistair Dabbs

No, I intended "diffusing"

It's no odder than "defusing" a punch-up.

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Paint your wagon (with electric circuits) but leave my crotch alone

Alistair Dabbs

>> modern shower frames

This guy did exactly as you said. The water poured into the seams on the interior, trickled into the screw holes and soaked into the wall. A week later, the paint on the other side of the wall was bubbling up and flaking away, along with the plaster.

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My headset is reading my mind and talking behind my back

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Actually, Dabbsey hasn't lost a bit of weight

Would you rather I reported my progressive fat loss in terms of specific density?

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Not "fat-burning" per se

It's not my description, it's theirs. Go to their website and see for yourself.

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The curious case of a wearables cynic and his enduring fat bastardry

Alistair Dabbs

Re: On the air?

It claims to tally how many steps you climb through the day. I don't think it's necessary to leave the ground without the assistance of stairs.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Well, Alistair,

I'd buy my tech gear at Primark if they sold it.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: Fat chance

There are loads of 28in waist trousers and skinny fittings at Top Man. Jeans, chinos, whatever.

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Alistair Dabbs

Re: To acquire fitness, you have to pickup heavy shit

My regime is not limited to putting on a Fitbit and smiling inwardly. I didn't want to bore you all further with my fitness regime, this not being a Daily Mail "I used to be a fat c*nt" article.

I go to my local gym for cardio and do a lot more walking generally. The boss at my gym, an ex-army beefcake with shoulder muscles the size of footballs, is now nagging me to increase my weight-training so that I don't end up scrawny.

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Render crashing PCs back to their component silicon: They deserve it

Alistair Dabbs

Re: Windows getting its own back on you?

Her naughty computer is a Mac. Linux is out of the question due to compatibility issues with the Word and Excel files she is sent. Don't tell me there are Word-compatible applications on Linux - I've head it all before, they are not fully compatible. They send the formatting crazy, reflow the text, tear tables apart and balk at docx files.

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