* Posts by Camilla Smythe

1182 posts • joined 3 Apr 2009


Why does that website take forever to load? Clues: Three syllables, starts with a J, rhymes with crock of sh...

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

You are doing it wrong....

Stupid users should upgrade to 128 core processors with 512GB DDR5 ram and minimum 20TB PCIe SSDs and overclock the lot. Minimum of 10GB/s fibre connection required. Here's another pizza advert. $10.50, $8.50 advertising surcharge, $2.00 to make. Please enjoy your improved browsing experience.

UK transport's 'ludicrous' robocar code may 'put lives at risk'

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Insured by Google.

Hmmm you appear to be making a claim against one of our cars. Would you like to buy some more socks?

NHS England's chief digital officer goes full digital, ditches health service for GP app biz

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Works with my Nokia 130?

No... then fuck off and fuck off anyway.

'Blockchain SAVED my Quango'

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Blockchain Innit?

No. Just someone trying to smoke their Biro.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Blockchain Innit?

Blockchain Innit?

For What?


Well, because this, no.

Yeah but what if?

Well, because this, no.

Ah but...?




Blockchain Innit.

Be afraid.


Be very afraid.

"A scheme that is durable and will be able to be evidenced forever..."


Blockchain Innit.

Apple's launch confirms one thing: It's determined to kill off the laptop for iPads

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Finger Print Detection?

That sounds cool. Does a little arm and hand with a cloth extend out of the case and give it a polish when it gets a bit grubby?

Sorry friends, I'm afraid I just can't quite afford the Bitcoin to stop that vid from leaking everywhere

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

But Why?

No buses for three hours and then 50 turn up. Presumably multiple, 50, independent dick heads have been on the 'dark web' buying up bulk e-mail lists along with a, piss poor, ruse template and lists of open relays. Set phasors on stun and launch the scripts..... Profit!

It can't be the same person... can it? I mean what sort of dick head sends sends the same message from multiple sources 50 times expecting me not to notice something strange could be going on and then does the same thing every day for a week... because I did not respond to the first 50?

Now I have 50 individual dick heads a day telling me they have hacked my webcam and I'm "I don't care about your shit English but I don't have a fucking WebCam!" prior to deleting the messages and blocking CIDRs via IPTables.

I mean why not try to sell me a WebCam instead when your hackware noticed I did not have one or does that only happen if I buy a WebCam and no longer need one... I stop getting blackmail and the advertising guys move in to take up the slack?

Unfortunately some people must respond to this sort of rubbish because... level playing field or something.

We're doomed: Defra's having a cow over its Brexit IT preparations

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Pfft. Only takes 5 minutes.



Apple pushes new iOS 12 beta build to silence notification spam

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Just enable Third Party Cookies.

Not that hard is it?

Intel rips up microcode security fix license that banned benchmarking

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Kudos to Debian but...

Shouldn’t Microsoft have told Intel to fuck off first?

Boffins build the smallest transistor, controlled by an atom

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: "Since it’s made from metal"

The article mentions that the metallic strips which the single atom contacts are silver so there is your 'bulk' metal. As Toastan Buttar suggests it sounds more like a relay than a transistor.

NHS Digital to fling half a billion quid at new GP procurement framework

Camilla Smythe Silver badge



Oh Dear. Looks like that one is going to time out.

Oh Fuck I am so Fucking Stupid.


Looks like they have all fucked off.

So Dominic Cummings gets to smear the NHS Logo over his Vote Leave Shit and nothing happens but....

Linux Haters can Fuck off as Well.

Bank on it: It's either legal to port-scan someone without consent or it's not, fumes researcher

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: I'm not... However

If I thought about it and wanted to play nice then if my Bank wanted to scan my ports when I landed on their Login page then they can pop up a message saying something like.

For added security if you are a customer about to log in to your account we would like to perform an external port scan in order to check that your computer has not been compromised. If we find anything suspicious then we might not allow you to Log In and ask you to contact us.

Once you have Logged In we will perform an internal port scan to once again verify that your computer has not been compromised. If we find anything suspicious we may lock your account and ask you to contact us.

If you agree to this then please click Accept to log in. If you do not then please click Reject. You will be redirected to your Home Page.

Of course the above is not going to happen because if they get it wrong they have to accept liability for it.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

I'm not.

If I want my ports scanned I can ask, give permission, for someone with an appropriate and legitimate service to do so.

I do not need some dweeb dropping in on my open ports saying they are or appearing in my logs as being some sort of security scanning service.

I've never had one of the twats e-mail me to to warn me that I might have a security problem. I can only conclude that the service is for themselves or the data is sold on to third parties for profit.

That's wear and tear on my equipment and uses up my bandwidth along with adding to my electricity bill so they can fuck off into IPTables.

Profit-strapped Symantec pulls employee share scheme

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


The company has not sent us a publicly usable statement following our calls for comment yesterday evening.

... Could be WidowMaker?

Qualcomm demands blueprints to Intel chips used in Apple iPhones

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Intels stuff is worse though...

OK Downvoters. The lack of logic goes like this.

Qualcomm wants Intel's Blueprints. Qualcomm's present kit performs better than Intel's. Perhaps Qualcom's prior iteration performed just as badly as Intel's current product and did so in *exactly* the same way.

If Qualcomm's prior iteration had IP protection and they can demonstrate such similar or preferably exact behaviour then they might have good reason to ask for some blueprints.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Intels stuff is worse though...

Some background: Apple has been using a mix of Qualcomm and Intel baseband chipsets in its recent iPhones, without any differentiation that would be evident to fans other than Qualcomm-powered handhelds performing better than those with Chipzilla's modems.

Why are Qualcom so intent on finding out how to do it wrong?

Shock Land Rover Discovery: Sellers could meddle with connected cars if not unbound

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Land Rover pwned?

All Caps and Swearing. I guess we can all see who is losing the argument here.

Anyway. How do I know that you did not cheat and just type five zeroes followed by five sets of four zeroes rather than doing it properly?

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Land Rover pwned?

Fine... Have it your way but you have just proved my point. Neither I or anyone else would be able to easily tell which zero you removed.

Anyway my methodology is also much more secure than yours since you can only remove one of five zeroes whereas I have six places where I can add a zero.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Land Rover pwned?

Sheesh! There's always one.

Perhaps you are getting yourself confused by the OP saying "one zero out" and thinking that a zero needs to be removed but removing a zero leaves a space. Like that is really going to work in that the pin now has a space in it.




Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Land Rover pwned?


Where do you put the missing zero AY?

Lah-Dee-Dah 'legitimate research person'. Not looking so clever now are you?

IBM Watson dishes out 'dodgy cancer advice', Google Translate isn't better than humans yet, and other AI tidbits

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Should have gone to Google...

“This product is a piece of shit,” a doctor at Florida’s Jupiter Hospital said to IBM, according to the documents seen by Stat News. “We bought it for marketing and with hopes that you would achieve the vision. We can’t use it for most cases.”


Oh boy: MPs prepare to probe UK.gov's digital prowess and tech savvy

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Lone Ranger Renegade Rogue Style for Going Forwards* with NEUKlearer HyperRadioProACTive IT

Sometimes I form an opinion based on the first couple of paragraphs of an article and immediately jump to the comments to rubbish it.

Sometimes I form an opinion based on the first couple of paragraphs of an article and immediately jump to the comments and read them to see who is also rubbishing it.

Sometimes I form an opinion based on the first couple of paragraphs of an article and immediately jump to the comments and read them to see who is also rubbishing it and hit an amanfromMars 1 comment and have to do a double take to check the user name just to make sure I am not losing my sanity.

Whilst, in this case, he is making perfect sense the submission will be interpreted by non IT inclined people, MPs, as meaning more google-analytics and survey-monkey.

Google Chrome: HTTPS or bust. Insecure HTTP D-Day is tomorrow, folks

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Um-Kay

Looks like you need to install the repository key. The exact command to do so is left as an exercise for the reader.

And that just about sums your fuck up.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge
IT Angle


Let me just do that for my raspberry pi.


Looks like I need Certbot for Debian Stretch...


Err... need to do something about backports...


Now we have to Dick about with 'clarity' of the instructions. Dick Dick Dick..

sudo apt-get update

Reading package lists... Done

W: GPG error: http://ftp.debian.org/debian stretch-backports InRelease: The following signatures couldn't be verified because the public key is not available: NO_PUBKEY 8B48AD6246925553 NO_PUBKEY 7638D0442B90D010

W: The repository 'http://ftp.debian.org/debian stretch-backports InRelease' is not signed.

N: Data from such a repository can't be authenticated and is therefore potentially dangerous to use.

N: See apt-secure(8) manpage for repository creation and user configuration details.

Looks like that is fucked then.

LetsEncrypt - - - - LetsNotBother

... and don't give me no PEBCAK.

I worked out your stupid instructions and it fell over.

... and don't tell me the fault lies with Debian or RPi

If you tell me to use someone else's shit to use your shit you better make sure the other shit works with your shit,,, and my shit.

You may consider this to be my bug report.

FFS. Falls over on a Public Key Error.

If Brussels wants Android forks, phone makers aren't helping

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: And the mess that is Android updating

I have concluded that your head must be so far up your ass arse

Microsoft Visual Studio Code replumbed for better Python taming

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

It is available as an opt-in preview

Hopefully the opt-in is GDPR compliant.

Anyway as I have previously mentioned all of your programming languages are self ego serving undecipherable wank, and fuck off with your 'once you know one you can deal with them all', that get compiled down through layers of shite to shite.

I've got an EVO 250GB SSD.

Again... Can I define a variable record and save an array of it to what is basically memory? Can I fuck. I have to use someone's flavour of a Shitty Base and everyone has a different opinion about which Shitty Base is the best Shitty Base and the syntax used to set it up and access it.

Thank fuck for Global Warming. Unfortunately...


The Dolphin is slightly pissed off that it evolved on a planet that became infested by Idiots.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like my IoT-enabled vacuum cleaner is spying on me

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Perhaps Mr Chope...

Was concerned that his new found Haxoring Skillz were about to get wasted.

♫ The Core i9 clock cycles go up. Who cares where they come down?

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Yah... But...

What's the point when you are trying to frag a Boss if both you and the Boss get really quick for a couple of minutes and then the game goes into Geocities Banner Mode?

UK's Huawei handler dials back support for Chinese giant's kit in critical infrastructure

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Bwaa-Hwaa-Hwaa StalkStalk and Internet Connection Records Anyone?

This is likely to be the kit used by TalkTalk for their StalkStalk,


It is also likely to be the kit used by TalkTalk and other ISPs should they get around to implementing Internet Connection Records as mooted in the IPAct.

ISTR TalkTalk dropping a clanger by suggesting in their customer forums that the equipment was maintained by and remotely accessible to Huawei's engineers.

Never mind that the system was illegal because, and TalkTalk also admitted but later fudged with The ICO even though the evidence was smeared all over website logfiles, it was monitoring for and visiting below top level URLs.

Now people are suggesting that there might be Security Risks.

Does the Bear wipe its Arse with the Rabbit?

No, seriously, why are you holding your phone like that?

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: Question?

I usually take both sets down when snapping a few knob pictures.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Light Traffic

So if its not on speaker phone and I'm in even light traffic then the other person cannot be heard at all.

Dude... You may not know but faffing about with your mobile phone whilst driving qualifies you for a stupid award plus your local Constabulary might slap you with an on the spot fine and put a couple of points on your license.

YMMV if you are not in the UK.

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


Not being a Smart Phone owner myself how does everyone else cope with earwax, skin grease, snot, drool and pubic hair?

I suppose having mentioned pubic hair then I should include genital excretions and, thanks for the lead Mr Dabbs, dingleberries?

Python creator Guido van Rossum sys.exit()s as language overlord

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Re: And people wonder why ...

In any online discussion about computer language development and/or maintenance as the discussion goes on the probability of a comparison with Linus Torvalds approaches 1.

Assuming this has not already been postulated you may now refer to it as Camilla's law.

Do you really want your kids' future in the hands of Capita? Well, too bad

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Phonics screening check?

Fuck... I had to look that one up and became concerned that Capita would gain responsibility for Children learning something like word association with the result that they all end up speaking Capita Management Buzz Speak.

Having delved deeper...


In particular...


... Yes it is a .pdf.pdf file but What The Actual Fuck is that?

Perhaps as a result of not being a Parent I could be missing some of the subtleties assuming there are any, Jub puts in an appearance, but even so I cannot see how the involvement of Capita will improve the situation.

Salesforce ‘Einstein’ now smart enough for customer service

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


I'll add them to my list of free-call fapping time numbers.

Azure Dev Spaces has hit public preview, so El Reg took it for a spin

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Yup. Today we just copy/pasta from SE.

I am sure there is an unintended linguine coding joke trying make an appearance here.

Fresh cup of WTF with lunch? TeamViewer's big in Twitter's domination-as-a-service scene

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Yew! Ugly People.

Who'd of thunk?

Goes off in search of kitteh pictures.

Decision time for AI: Sometimes accuracy is not your friend

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


I started out with the anticipation that this might start from the premise that sometimes it is good to make mistakes but recognise that when AI is used against Humans such mistakes might be quite damaging.

I got as far as, my dawning expectation, Men and/or Women buying socks or pantyhose and an almost subliminal glance at what looked like a graph with a blue shape and a red shape on it and instantly reached the conclusion that the author was some sort of SEO Cookie Spawning Marketing Twat who should just chain themselves to an Estate Agent and go throw themselves in some deep water somewhere on top of the rest of the dross that serve no purpose other than to waste my oxygen.

Perhaps someone else who has read the full article can advise me as to why I might be wrong. Try not to let the possibility that I am not interested stop you from doing so.

Welsh firm fined £60k for pummelling phones with 270k pay-day loan texts

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Psst Save yourselves £47,998


£12 on line.

Don't bother filing more stuff for the previous one. Just wait until Companies House gets around to losing it via a hard floppy disk failure.

The Notch contagion is spreading slower than phone experts thought

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


Being a non smart phone user I thought that this might be a warning of some virusy thing but... It turned out to be click bait.

However if I were to be a smart phone user I would be telling those responsible to take their notch and fuck right off with the repulsive blemish.

I would also tell those trying to find excuses for the wart to go fuck off as well.

I was forced to Google this...


When Essential debuted the first-ever notched display on the PH-1, it was a bold, divisive statement about smartphone design.

No!!11!! Just Fuck Off.

With the recent trend of smartphones opting for full-view or extra-wide or whatever you want to call it displays and cutting down on bezels, the notch was really an inevitable evolution.

No!!11!! Stop insulting Darwin or at least let Darwin take its course.

"Ooooo. I see you have a notch phone."

"Yes. Bow down before its Superior Notchiness."

"Still got your Google Glass stored in your Sock Draw?"

"Fuck Off!"


"Fuck Off!"

And that’s really the issue at heart, because not long after Essential and Apple made notches neat, everyone else hopped on the bandwagon and ruined it. After all, there are few things worse than running into someone and realizing you are wearing the same clothes. What a bummer.

Wait... This is Gizmodo? Maybe I missed the <sarc> tags. Are they at WeboRrhea3?

... Glad I missed that bandwagon.

"Oooooooo. Yooooou've got a 'Notch Phone'."

"Fuck Off."

"Is it still under contract?"

"Look. Just Fuck OFF!"

"Mark of the Beast LOL... Noooo Don't hit me have some Beers as a consolation."

CIMON says: Say hello to your new AI pal-bot, space station 'nauts

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

Simon Says...

"Blah Blah Blah."

Crew Says...

"Fuck Off Simon."

Foot lose: Idiot perv's shoe-mounted upskirt vid camera explodes

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

ISTR Alas Smith and Jones...

Doing a face to face about having an eye on the end of your finger.

ROTFLMAO. When you think about it some things do not stand the test of reason.

Google weeps as its home state of California passes its own GDPR

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


Eyes Right -->

Registry to ban Cyrillic .eu addresses even if you've paid for them

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

You can all Fuck Off and...

Use Emojis.YourFlagEmoji


Oracle, for one, says we'll welcome our new robot overlords: '90%' of you will obey an AI bot

Camilla Smythe Silver badge

1,320 "HR leaders and employees."

So.. that will be 1318 HR Leaders and 2 Employees.

Git365. Git for Teams. Quatermass and the Git Pit. GitHub simply won't do now Microsoft has it

Camilla Smythe Silver badge


What do you mean... "Don't disturb the Zombie."?

Places order for Popcorn.


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