* Posts by Chris King

722 posts • joined 13 Feb 2009

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Faking incontinence and other ways to scare off tech support scammers

Chris King
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"One rang me back immediately to complain that I was being very rude - and that his god would curse me".

I had one say his god would curse me...

"Maybe, but I think he'll be too busy cursing potty-mouthed scumbags like you !" *click*

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Chris King
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Freak 'em out !

I haven't had to deploy my "emergency" phrase yet, but I fear one day I shall have to...

"You sound yummy, will you be my friend ?"

Bonus points if I manage to sound dangerous-yet-heavily-medicated while saying it.

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Backup crack-up: Fasthosts locks people out of data storage for days amid WCry panic

Chris King
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So...

How long would FastHosts have continued using their obsolete and unsupported platform if this hadn't happened ? And would they have even coughed up to running 2K3 ?

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PC repair chap lets tech support scammer log on to his PC. His Linux PC

Chris King
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A variation on the last one, for the "you had an accident" scumbags, is to agree that it was indeed a very serious accident, in which I died. The longest period of confused silence before they hang up is currently seven seconds.

I use a similar line to wind them up... "I don't remember that accident... Hey, the brain damage alone must be worth MILLIONS !!!"

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Chris King
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Re: For the phone scammers ...

I've used that approach as well, and it really pisses them off.

Rant level: Davros.

Imagine Peter Sellers, Michael Bentine or Spike Milligan delivering Davros' later lines from the "Unlimited Rice Pudding" scene in a fake Indian accent, and you get the general idea.

I don't bother wasting their time, I prefer to wind them up and stress them out as fast as I can. They're crims and they deserve that ulcer, what more is there to say ?

(Icon, because they'll need a lot of Gaviscon to put that one out)

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French drone bods Parrot wheel out 'prosumer' division

Chris King
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True - but is anyone doing stuff like this with DJI's ?

(And it's still less robotic than Stallone was !)

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User loses half of a CD-ROM in his boss's PC

Chris King
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Leaked: The UK's secret blueprint with telcos for mass spying on internet, phones – and backdoors

Chris King
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Law of Unintended Consequences

So, when the rest of the planet chooses not to do business with us because our crypto cannot be trusted, we'll be back to buying stuff with Postal Orders - assuming we can find a Post Office that hasn't been shut down.

Yay for mediocrity.

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Industrial plant robots frequently connected to the 'net without authentication

Chris King
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Re: Yep, that's what I went to jail for

You'd have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those damn kids and that pesky IDS...

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Chris King
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Re: A prankster...

No robot could ever produce a vehicle as bad as a "Friday Afternoon Special" Marina.

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Forgetful ZX Spectrum reboot firm loses control of its web domains

Chris King
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Re: There's dumb and there's stupid

"Nominet are very good at reminding folks and even allow an extended time after the names expire"

Normally you get 30 days from expiry to pay up, then the domain is suspended, and the registration is cancelled 90 days from expiry if you haven't paid up.

Some registrars are stricter, and might re-delegate your domain to something else that serves out "this domain is suspended" pages.

It is also possible to surrender a domain, and your registrarion is cancelled pretty much immediately - I've done this with a .co.uk in the past.

Maybe one of the former directors decided to rid himself of an "asset" he no longer needed, and someone else picked it up ? No security incident to see here, citizens, move along...

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Doctor Who-inspired proxy transmogrifies politically sensitive web to avoid gov censorship

Chris King
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"Slitheen", eh ?

So, is this thing going to fall apart if soaked in vinegar, and will it make my network packets smell like farts ?

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Drunk user blow-dried laptop after dog lifted its leg over the keyboard

Chris King
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Coat

Was it really the dog's fault ?

Did Jim's manager just spill a beer on the keyboard and blame it on the dog ?

(Yeah, Yeah, I know, Rover shouldn't have been drinking at the keyboard)

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Boss swore by 'For Dummies' book about an OS his org didn't run

Chris King
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Re: But the real issue is

Hershey's is "homeopathic" chocolate. I believe one of their factories has a (still-sealed) tin of cocoa powder that they occasionally wave in the direction of the production line.

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Sysadmin 'trashed old bosses' Oracle database with ticking logic bomb'

Chris King
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Re: BOFH?

"The issue for the BOFH of course is that the Allegro MicroSystems building is only a two story building so the drop from the upper floor is not far enough to do any real damage".

Unless vehicles pass by on the ground floor. When do the bins go out ?

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Graffiti 'dying out' as kids dump spray cans for Instagram, Twitter etc

Chris King
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Re: Short attention span

Sometimes, you even get a phallus on "proper" art

Yes, Dobbin loved his master very much indeed, but he's not so excited now.

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Printer blown to bits by compressed air

Chris King
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Coat

"After having a 24-port switch destroyed when a cat vomited over it, I decided to implemet access control".

Looks like the cats have been sharing swipe cards again ?

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Chris King
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ED-500

No, it's not ED-209's big brother, but it will still blow you away if you don't show it any respect.

I made the mistake of demo'ing one to colleagues using an old desktop PC, and I really should have taken it outside.

The atmosphere wasn't thick with dust bunnies... It pretty much blew them apart on contact.

They say the motor is a three-quarter horsepower unit. One thing is for certain - the missing quarter of the horse isn't the back legs, as this thing has quite a kick on power-up.

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BOFH: Defenestration, a solution to Solutions To Problems We Don't Have

Chris King
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"Does anyone care that I'm a bear ?"

Check out the Dilbert animated episode "The Takeover", where executives throw themselves out of a window (including the PHB).

Turns out it's a ground floor window and they're all piled up on top of each other.

"Take me home Saint Peter ! Why hast thou forsaken me ?"

"Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground"

"Mental note: Find religion first !"

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Chris King
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Defenestration

My new office windows open out even further than the old ones, so I've been telling people I can defenestrate them and they won't even touch the glass.

Okay, so I'm only one floor up, but if I time it right there's always the bin lorry to deal with.

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BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'

Chris King
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Re: Being on a placement myself...

At least he didn't say "Put down the VT100, Gandalf !"

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Chris King
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Re: Being on a placement myself...

I had one idiot yoof call me an "IT dinosaur" recently because I started my career before he was even born.

"Yeah, that's right... Big head, fat body, little arms. That must make me a fuckin' T-Rex and WAY higher up the food chain than you !"

Apparently, I have the kind of Stare that makes people back off. I haven't seen him since.

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New plastic banknote plans now upsetting environmental campaigners

Chris King
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SOYLENT STIRLING IS BORIS !

That would be one way of ensuring that nobody ever handles the notes without using tongs and/or thick rubber gloves. You wouldn't want to get that sort of stupidity on you !

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'Trash-80' escapes the dustbin of history with new TRS-80 emulator

Chris King
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"May have to buy a new Windows machine for home use 'special research project' (to prevent Wife 1.0 downgrading Husband 1.0 to beta status)".

Could be worse. She could just EOL you and obtain Husband 2.0 instead.

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I need an ISP that offers IPv6. Virgin Media: Whatevs, nerd

Chris King
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Re: need? really?

"Many ISPs already are doing CGN".

Virgin Media is considering it.

Hyperoptic have already deployed it to customers because they're not in a position to offer IPv6 yet.

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Chris King
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Re: If in the UK, I recommend

They also offer a L2TP service you can use over another ISP - £10 a month for 1Tb.

Okay, so it's not unlimited, but it comes with a fixed IPv4 address and a block of IPv6.

SIXXS may be shutting down, but Hurricane Electric still offer free IPv6 tunnels AND tutorials to get you up and running.

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Squirrel sinks teeth into SAN cabling, drives Netadmin nuts

Chris King
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Re: Best traps

Ditto your basement. Nothing like running round a basement for an hour with a cardboard box, trying to catch one particularly skittish squirrel.

I got him though, and I let him go in the nearby park. The ungrateful bastard promptly ran out into the road and got himself squished under a bus.

Oh, and he crapped in the box before being let free.

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Chris King
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Re: But

"The Whippets and feral cats agree, squirrels are quite tasty. Only thing the two seem to agree on".

And chickens.

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Chris King
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Re: But

"In the UK it is an offence to catch and release Grey Squirrels as they're such a bleedy menace"

They're especially bleedy when they run into the road and straight under vehicles.

Greys have ZERO traffic sense, while Reds tend to stay up in the trees - no doubt sniggering as their more drab cousins get squished.

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Chris King
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BzzzZzzzzzZZZZzzzz...

One server room in my current gig has something that can only be described as a "swamp" next to it.

Open the emergency exit, and half the insect kingdom descends upon you.

Mostly the half that stings and bites.

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Chris King
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Re: Sqirrel Latrine

"He wasn't initially bothered by the rustling in the roof but eventually drew the line when the squirrel decided that his office printer made an ideal latrine".

In a previous On-Call, I had a similar experience with a colony of bats roosting over my head. Fortunately, they picked another part of the building to "go potty".

I'm guessing that in your boss' case, Tufty was relieving himself when the printer was switched off ?

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Tip for darknet drug lords: Don't wear latex gloves to the post office

Chris King
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Re: Why would he wear latex gloves?

I thought "fingerprints" too, but wondered if he could have been OCD ?

I knew a student who wore thick rubber gloves all the time, because he considered the PC lab keyboards, library books and so on to be "unclean".

(Looking at the proxy logs for the labs, he may have had a point, dirty little devils - mind you, the staff were FAR worse in that gig !)

I'm not talking about ordinary Marigolds here either, these were like extra-thick gauntlets and looked like the sort of thing you'd wear for handling really nasty chemicals - so you can imagine what that did for his typing speed.

Eventually, he sought treatment, and it was heartening to see him switch to lighter surgical gloves, then cotton ones, and eventually stop wearing them altogether.

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BOFH: Don't back up in anger

Chris King
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Didn't someone come up with a BS5750-compliant method of making toast, that allowed you to burn it so long as you could scrape it to the desired colour ?

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Chris King
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Bonus points for

laxatives, or something hallucinogenic in the antacid, or both.

Everyone else is retching at the pics, but Brian's voided himself, saying "What's wrong with the pictures anyway ? I'm more worried about the dragon on the boardroom table !"

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Google Maps' Street View can now lead you into a bubbling lava lake

Chris King
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This confirms my theory...

...that Google doesn't like pedestrians.

I've lost count of the number of times they've suggested I walk directly directly over a busy roundabout or play real-life Frogger with six lanes of traffic.

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Ubiquiti network gear can be 'hijacked by an evil URL' – thanks to its 20-year-old PHP build

Chris King
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Seems to be mostly AirMax products...

The EdgeMax kit (EdgeRouter/EdgeSwitch/EdgePoint) uses PHP 7.0 for its UI, and current UniFi controllers run 5.6.

EdgeMax got some upgrade love when Rasmus Lerdorf bought an EdgeRouter:

https://toys.lerdorf.com/archives/59-Upgrading-PHP-on-the-EdgeRouter-Lite.html

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IBM could have made almost all the voluntary redundancies it needed

Chris King
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Re: Employee Consultation Committee?

I once worked for a company with a Staff Association that was much like the ECC. Very good at organising staff jollies for the more loyal drones, but very quick to push you under the bus when you had a disagreement with management.

Been there, done that, got the tyre marks on the t-shirt.

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Naming computers endangers privacy, say 'Net standards boffins

Chris King
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Re: Who? What? Where?

"Mine are all named after minerals but then maybe I have rocks in my head. Seriously though, why would the fact that you named your server 'Thor' or 'Draupadi' be of any interest to the spooks. ('Isis' on the other hand. . .)"

I used to help run a box called Thor, and in my job as "The Decommissioner", I ended up nursing it through the last months of its life - sadly, work wouldn't let my boss give it a Viking funeral because it would cost too much to hire a skip, let alone fill it with petrol.

EVERY place I've worked has had a machine called "Merlin", and said machine became progressively larger with each job. The first one was a MicroVAX, the last was a HPC cluster.

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UK Home Office warns tech staff not to tweet negative Donald Trump posts

Chris King
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Re: Re. comments

Is the "Parallel Universe Defense" actually valid?

Only if the tweet was posted by your evil parallel universe self, usually identifiable by a goatee or a Hulk Hogan 'tache.

Then again, with Brexit and Trump, we may have already fallen into an evil parallel universe.

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User lubed PC with butter, because pressing a button didn't work

Chris King
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BT splurges £1.2bn on securing Champions League rights, Sky heads for an early bath

Chris King
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Re: In Other Words

"After which I'll see how much money children can really burn"

If you really want to burn money fast, try setting up a new social media site.

Even better, you'll have Vult^H^H^Henture Capitalists throwing money at you in the hope of getting something back.

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BOFH: Elf of Safety? Orc of Admin. Pleased to meet you

Chris King
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IN CASE OF STUPIDITY, PULL HANDLE

I was thinking along more the lines of an old, hollowed-out server on greased rails at the top of the rack, wrapped around a large lump of depleted uranium - and a spring-loaded release mechanism...

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Chris King
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As one former colleague used to say...

"Come on in, we don't bite... often"

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Oh UK. You won't switch mobile providers. And now look at you! £5.8bn you've lost

Chris King
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Do the maths !

Depending on your provider and your usage patterns, PAYG may be cheaper than SIM-only - especially for low usage.

I'm very light on data usage, and I don't use enough minutes per month to make even the low-end SIM-only contracts worth my while. I rarely spend more than £2 or £3 in a month on 3's 3-2-1 tariff.

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Is your child a hacker? Liverpudlian parents get warning signs checklist

Chris King
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Re: Warning signs that your civil servant is technically clueless

It's still around, unfortunately.

I remember work thinking about getting a private island, and all the things they were planning to do with it. Pointing management to some of the stuff in Something Awful's Second Life Safari killed the idea stone dead.

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Chris King
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Re: "Cyber Security Leader & Entrepreneur"

Never heard of the bloke before now. Some "leader" !

Anyone who describes themselves as an "Entrepreneur" is rarely the real deal. It usually translates to "Twit with bad idea seeks twit with venture capital for a short and expensive relationship".

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UnBrex-pected move: Amazon raises UK workforce to 24,000

Chris King
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Re: What's the Brexit angle?

Amazon Logistics doesn't get used much round my way, but Amazon do have some perverse algorithm for picking carriers...

Anything cheap/difficult to break - expensive courier (usually DPD) or Royal Mail

Anything expensive/fragile - Amazon Logistics/Yodel

The only deliveries that are consistent are Locker deliveries, which I believe are exclusively handled by TNT.

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Chris King
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Re: Picture is fake

I bet it rattles because of all the broken bits inside.

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Dead cockroaches make excellent magnets – now what are we supposed to do with this info?

Chris King
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Chris King
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Re: A pedant writes

I always thought it was ants.

I'm hoping it's ants.

A nuclear winter would be bad enough, without having to fend off radiation-hardy wasps.

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