* Posts by Evil Auditor

1665 posts • joined 13 Jan 2009

Fire fighters get grinding on London man’s trapped genitalia

Evil Auditor
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What is it with bellends and rings? Not going to have one near my todger, too many things that can go wrong.

Anonymous South African Coward, which is it that you won't have near your todger, the bellends or the rings? We need to know.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: This trend could be stopped instantly

I would think the idea of some one jabbing a needle into your penis would make the wood go down.

That is what you think. And I would, too. But given that there is all kind of kinky variety out there, I bet to some it has rather the opposite effect.

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Booze stats confirm boring Britain is drying

Evil Auditor
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Re: Non-drug distractions

...not...or...

Good to read some proper application of logic.

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BOFH: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back

Evil Auditor
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Re: Luckily ...

Re adjourned to the annex

Indeed..... working myself through the cafes and bars of Brussels... Starting the morning in a cafe for breakfast, changing to a restaurant for lunch and proceeding work in a bar for the remainder of the work day.

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IT error at Great Western Railway charging £10k for 63-mile journey ticket

Evil Auditor
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Re return journey

Why would you want a return journey?

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Man nicked trying to 'save' beer from burning building

Evil Auditor
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Trollface

Beer?

For all I know he might have been worried that there wasn't enough water to deal with the fire. So he got some more.

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Drunk user blow-dried laptop after dog lifted its leg over the keyboard

Evil Auditor
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You only guess?

A nice person doesn't peelet the dog pee in the laptop. A nice person doens't melt the laptop. And certainly, a nice person doesn't dump this stinking motherfucker of a messed up laptop at IT expecting it to be repaired.

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Evil Auditor
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Judgement impaired

the dog had peed all over his laptop keyboard

The dog. Yeah, right....

Been there, done - no I certainly didn't.

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Opportunity rover gets bored of spot it's explored since 2014

Evil Auditor
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Re: Football field

wobby, you've got a point there. And I guess, NASA also determines their budgets in terms of football fields...

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Evil Auditor
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Football field

First of all, I thought Americans knew even less about football than I do. So why would they compare anything to a football field?

But more importantly, this is NOT a suitable measure of length. NASA, henceforth refer to El Reg Standard Units.

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Profit with just one infection! Crook sells ransomware for $175

Evil Auditor
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Backups

Recently at a client. I ask how they organised backups. "We have a perfect solution! Our data is backed up immediately: it's mirrored to our second data centre location. So we even have it stored off-site."

Muhahahahah I think while sending them a certain attachment And I provide advice to those very receptive client's ears on the risks and how to do backups properly.

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Boss swore by 'For Dummies' book about an OS his org didn't run

Evil Auditor
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Trollface

He's only suggesting you may keep other wives entertained. Whether their husbands are out is totally up to you, the wives or their husbands. Everyone to his/her liking.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: But the real issue is

Symon, you make it sound like Jebus but himself up on a cross because he wanted to. Pretty much like the cattle that committed suicide so I can enjoy a yummy steak. But, who knows!

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Intelligent robots can walk the walk – but if they can't talk the talk, we can't get along

Evil Auditor
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Re: Drop the Pill, Take the Thrill ...... You Aint Got No Choice in the Matter. Honestly.

Darn you, amanfromMars 1! Only towards the end of the second sentence ("emerging bodies/celestial beings/...") I started to realise what might have composed these words. You're getting trickier ;-)

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Evil Auditor
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...the idea that super-intelligent machines may one day dominate Earthy

That wouldn't be an entirely bad thing, would it? Just watching outside it seems a majority of people are dominated by not very intelligent machines, aka smart phones. With their vision buried in a screen those meatbag drones navigate the city. I wonder that not more are run over by cars.

Just think of the possiblities! What if the same drones were dominated by super-intelligent machines instead of only "smart" phones...

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Ex-IBMer sues Google for $10bn – after his web ad for 'divine honey cancer cure' was pulled

Evil Auditor
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Holmes

Re: The saddest part?

Quote from their site: UMF stands for Unique Manuka Factor, which represents the natural “anti-bacterial” strength in this unique honey

Wow! Someone discovered that bacteria don't do well in high sugar environments. No shit.

At least they put anti-bacterial in quotation marks. Whatever this means.

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Evil Auditor
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Cure cancer?

I don't care. But I want that stuff! It must have great psychedelic effects!

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Printer blown to bits by compressed air

Evil Auditor
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SAP consulting

Good for "Bill". I still feel ambiguous about having declined an ostensibly good offer to join into SAP consulting some years ago. Not unhappy about it though.

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Ah, breathe that fresh alpine air. And look over there, a majestic HPC Advisory Council

Evil Auditor
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Re: Free?

...including break and lunch services. For three days. You know how bloody expensive it is in Switzerland? So, I'd almost call the fee of 130 CHF free. Almost.

However, since the registration deadline already passed, meaning you can't register anymore, it's almost fair to say that it's free. Almost.

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Manchester pulls £750 public crucifixion offer

Evil Auditor
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Blasphemy?

“To put people in Jesus’ place on the cross and charge them £750 to do it is blasphemous."

So, which part should be blasphemous. The crucifixion has been done before Jesus. Many times. This is kind of prior art, so to speak. Maybe it's blasphemous to charge only a mere £750?

Anyhow, I don't see how blasphemy could even be a thing.

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Wi-Fi sex toy with built-in camera fails penetration test

Evil Auditor
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"so that pervs can figure out where the device is in use, and tune in to its output."

I thought that was the whole point of this device anyway.

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Governments could introduce 'made by humans' tags - legal report

Evil Auditor
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Trollface

My robot does the same. Sorry.

Or, do you mean, you are an artist and hence do not have a job?

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Evil Auditor
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Label

I'd rather have a Made By Robots label or one that states Made Without Human Interaction to be sure that no filthy meatbag ever touched before my new, shiny [whatever].

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Steppe thugs pacified by the love of stone age women

Evil Auditor
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Re: Dont Tell UKIP or Britain First

Isn't it that most of what we consider British is rather Anglo-Saxon, i.e. German (or Germanic)?

Except for the language, which is French pronounced badly. Which probably is quite true since back in the days - wasn't it around King John's reign? - French was the language of England and only later, maybe during the 100 year war, English was (re-)created out of French and what remained from Old English.

Disclaimer: I'm not a historian and I bend and invent facts freely to my liking.

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BOFH: The Boss, the floppy and the work 'experience'

Evil Auditor
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Userbility

Thanks Simon, finally I understand the newfangled user interfaces of MS Office, Outlook, Skype and the like. It all makes sense now!

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PC survived lightning strike thanks to a good kicking

Evil Auditor
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"Ghost keyboard"

Not exactly, but the bloody Microsoft branded wireless sucker in front of me is unable to produce some shifted keys in quick succession. So far I discovered that shifted (no caps lock) SH und AG turn out to be Sh and Ag respectively if hit to fast. That keyboard almost drove me crazy until I discovered that it actually is the keyboard.

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Stop us if you've heard this one before: IBM sheds more workers – this time, tech sales

Evil Auditor
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Re: Wrong group

Only when no one else's left.

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Evil Auditor
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Did not read. But, let me guess, is it a similarly irresistible offer of minimum pay?

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Robo-AI jobs doomsday may, er... not actually happen, say boffins

Evil Auditor
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Holmes

"Today's technopanic about robots and AI may be overstated"

see icon.

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How about a nice game of ... Tetris? Oxford eggheads slow PTSD onset with classic game

Evil Auditor
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Re: I remember when I played that a lot one weekend

...seeing blocks in my dreams for the next couple weeks

Neither blocks nor quite for a couple of weeks but, back in the day, the visual reverberations that I experienced after prolonged Doom sessions where rather impressive, too.

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Home Office accused of blocking UK public's scrutiny of Snoopers' Charter

Evil Auditor
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Re: "ability to play a harpsichord, not punch through it with their fists"

"It is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail." Who was this, Maslow? Anyway...

Clarkson: "every tool is a hammer."

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Evil Auditor
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Coat

Re: "ability to play a harpsichord, not punch through it with their fists"

Theresa?!!

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One in five mobile phones shipped abroad are phoney – report

Evil Auditor
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risk of lethal electrocution

So, if the genuine phone battery doesn't kill you, surely the fake adapter will?

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Pirate of the Caribbean to play Hacker of the Caribbean

Evil Auditor
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Re: Does anybody really care?

I might. I even watched Titanic (on T.V. though).

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What a time to be alive: drone pooper-scoopers are a thing now

Evil Auditor
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Finding dog poo in public places and picking it up before it can besmirch a sole probably isn't high on the list of things humanity needs to get better at

You haven't been to Brussels, have you?

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FYI Docs.com users: You may have leaked passwords, personal info – thousands have

Evil Auditor
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My advice is: don't share sensitive information via cloudy stuff.

It's difficult though to put blame on the users (I don't know docs.com). They will use whatever comes handy*. Not to say they are not responsible but systems targeted at world and dog should be engineered to a certain foolproof level**.

* ...Or rather is available for, e.g. Office 365 handy it certainly isn't.

** If you make it foolproof they'll invent a better fool. But at least make it safer for the common fool.

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Boffins crowdsource hunt for 'Planet 9'

Evil Auditor
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Angel

"...you'll have to find someone else to name it after"

Easy. My dog found it. He can name it whatever he wants, i.e. except his own name.

Who wants a planet named after him or her anyway? There are much "better" things I can think of...

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NASA to fire 1Gbps laser 'Wi-Fi' ... into spaaaaace

Evil Auditor
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Sounds to me like kind of a tin can telephone. A sophisticated one, that is.

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Coppers 'persistently' breach data protection laws with police tech

Evil Auditor
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"...are likely to face very significant penalties"

I wonder just how likely and how very significant those penalties are, when data breaches are committed persistently. Did some officer just get another very significant slap on the wrist?

I used to work for a company that monitored access to customer data records. If someone accessed data they were not supposed to query, an investigation was launched. If the access could be reasonably explained e.g. by typo, it was a slap on the wrist. If there wasn't such explanation it resulted in a written warning ("two warnings and you're out") or outright dismissal without notice - depending on the severity of the data breach. That is what I call significant penalties. But with such procedures there probably wouldn't be many police left...

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New iPad revealed. Big price cut is main feature

Evil Auditor
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Problem: net revenue's lower than wanted.

Solution: red iPhone

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Uber bans 'brilliant jerks', will train staff on Why Diversity Matters

Evil Auditor
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Forget about all the diversity and non-sexism initiatives. These issues can be solved with a simple and broader No Arsholes Rule (Robert Sutton). Implementation might be not that simple though, especially if it's AHs that should implement it...

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Now THAT'S a landslide victory: Astroboffins snap avalanche on a comet in science first

Evil Auditor
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Re: Unbelievable

Exactly what I thought as well about the landslide.

And for our friends from across the pond and other religious nutcases: replace Mother Nature with God

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Beijing deploys facial scanners to counter public toilet abuse

Evil Auditor
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Re: _

Sponges - that is the answer! Always found those bog brushes a little rough...

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Evil Auditor
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Re: six squares ?

Ralph B, what do you feed her?

Anyway, a 16yo female may be the very definition of not normal. Don't worry too much though, that phase will pass. When she moves out. Good luck!

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Norfolk County Council sent filing cabinet filled with kids' info to a second-hand shop

Evil Auditor
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Protect its information?

Yes, but even more importantly: It should have had a written procedure in place which made it clear that any storage items removed from the office which may have contained personnel were thoroughly checked before disposal.

Unimaginable had someone been fallen asleep in there...

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Hell freezes over: We wrote an El Reg chatbot using Microsoft's AI

Evil Auditor
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Re: What if AmanFromMars is capable of interacting with it? @ Evil Auditor

amanfromMars 1, don't try to sidetrack. The question at hand is where is amanfromMars? What happened to it? Yes, I'm looking straight at you, amanfromMars 1.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: What if AmanFromMars is capable of interacting with it?

It might create a chatbot singularity which will expand and swallow all that is. Speaking of which, where is amanfrommars? Did it accidentally bump into amanfrommars1 and both of them vanished in *puff*?

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Evil Auditor
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...at the thought of replacing call center staff with a few lines of code

What? Hasn't this been done back yonks?

Can't remember the last time I had the impression to talk to a human being when reaching a call centre...

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User jams up PC. Literally. No, we don't know which flavour

Evil Auditor
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Re: You missed out

My dear blood's been spread among a many Olivetti razor blades computers back in the mid 90s. It was such a relieve to switch to Dell - at least the desktops had been a pleasure to handle.

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Sad fact of the day: Most people still don't know how to protect themselves online

Evil Auditor
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I'm basically Mr Robot.

I do whatever I'm told to do.

Just wondering how many understood it that way.

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