* Posts by Evil Auditor

1737 posts • joined 13 Jan 2009

Who wanted a future in which AI can copy your voice and say things you never uttered? Who?!

Evil Auditor
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Coffee/keyboard

Re: explain to me again how I broke my wrist in 1968...

An exceptionally aggressive wank was good.

But you, you owe me a clean and dry keyboard!

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Bedtime stories...

Funny that you mention Stephen Fry who, I guess, has a rather low probability of being/becoming a dad.

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Evil Auditor
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We are going to have to introduce better technologies to prove someone is who they say they are

Better technologies, like, you know, meet in person?

Another use of this voice cloing is that we start to develop better authentication and verification methods. Not only for interaction directly with a system but also for communication between meat sacks over systems. I sense the sweet smell of encryption all around*!

* also known as the control freak govemint's nightmare

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Australia joins the 'decrypt it or we'll legislate' club

Evil Auditor
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Re: @ bazza

@bazza

Well you trust the phone network when you call up your bank don't you?

Partially, I do. I know my account manager reasonably well and - for now, still - I identify her by voice and vice versa. Even so I don't initiate external transactions on the phone. For these I rely on end-to-end encryption, two-factor authentication and transaction verification.

If you come up with a feasible network architecture that is inherently secure: I'm game! I doubt that it will do without encryption though. Encryption is much older than our data networks; the objectives remain the same, i.e. privacy and non-repudiation.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: @ bazza

If we had a network that didn't require encrypted communications for reasonable security, then

And if I had some million quid on my bank account I wouldn't be at work/reading El Reg. Anyhow, we both are talking about wishful thinking.

What about a secure communications infrastructure, one where my hypothetical millions in the bank account are not put at risk? Yes, we are talking about encryption again. No matter what kind of "secure" network architecture you use, I wouldn't trust the nodes in between me and my bank.

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Evil Auditor
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Dutton forgot something

because “criminals are mounting sophisticated and discreet attacks, employing ransomware, credential harvesting and social engineering”...

...and tinkering legislation, he should have added to the list.

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Developer recovered deleted data with his face – his Poker face

Evil Auditor
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Poker face fail

Yonks ago, in a different life, I and a colleague got the task of installing some newfangled twisted-pair to replace the coaxial cabling. The offices had nicely accessible, large cable ducts running along the outer walls. And all the outlets, for power, network, telephone, were on the bottom of the duct, with the connectors being plugged in from below - and against gravity. The only obvious problem with those duts were their lids, outright bitches that heavily resisted both, being taken off and put back on. To put them back an aweful lot of fist-hammering was used. Acquired my "iron fist" there in Mr Miyagi-style.

So, one day while happily hammering along, suddenly the face of an accountant went pale, then white. Just when I was starting to worry that he might be dying he turned redish - steaming hot red! Accompanied by a screamed "I lost all of my day's work!" - it was mid afternoon.

That was about when we realised what happened: the hammering slowly but surely drove the power plug of his computer out of the mains socket. An orange socket, the ones connected to the UPS. One of us, I can't remember if it was my colleague or me, calmly said to the destroyed, steaming accountant: "you should regularly save your work - you never know when there's a crash." We left the office, closed the door and in the staircase we got the mother of all laughing fits.

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Evil Auditor
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... compare the tax tables to previous versions to see how they deteriorated over the week until finally the indexes were saturated

Straight out of BOFH's excuse calendar.

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If this laptop is so portable, where's the keyboard, huh? HUH?

Evil Auditor
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"It barely fits in my bag and is completely unwieldy."

This is the perfect description of my laptop computer at work. Some bright spark decided that we absolutely need a separate numeric pad on the keyboard. All of us.

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That terrifying 'unfixable' Microsoft Skype security flaw: THE TRUTH

Evil Auditor
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Re: MS killed skype

Well, to my taste, skype always had a crap user interface. And since it requires IE to work (WTF?) eventually it totally killed itself for me. That is after it died on my dated mobile for lack up upgradeability.

R.I.P.R.I.H. skype

(Rot In Hell)

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Mars is red, Earth is blue. Here's a space laser story for you

Evil Auditor
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Littering

It will also surrender some of the slab so it can travel with Mars 2020...

Yeah, send all the litter back to where it belongs!

How long before Mars says the same?

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Talk down to Siri like she's a mere servant – your safety demands it

Evil Auditor
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Re: automatic facial recognition goes live in the UK

Facial recognition is nothing new, indeed. The first time I came across this was more than ten years ago.

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Evil Auditor
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... the big players will take all the right steps to ensure what's said in the home stays in the home...

Yeah, sure... Stays in whose home?!

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Secret weekend office bonk came within inch of killing sysadmin

Evil Auditor
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Happy

Nah. You're just undercaffeinated.

Same cause. Same effect.

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Evil Auditor
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Thanks! That makes sense. I probably suffer from EMIS - early morning illiteracy syndrome.

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Evil Auditor
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WTF?

Maybe it's a too early a morning for my brain to fully process this On-Call. Why "near-death experience" - because of water and electricity? (No RCDs in the data centre?) And how's the bonking relevant and why does Matt know about it?

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Elon Musk's Tesla burns $675.3m in largest ever quarterly loss

Evil Auditor
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@unwarranted whateverism, I have no feckin idea what you're smoking, sniffing or droppin. But I need this stuff. Now!

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Assange fails to make skipped bail arrest warrant vanish

Evil Auditor
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Public interest

...the British state taking action against him for skipping bail is not in the public interest...

Public interest would be - please, forgive me for making assumptions about the public based on my own interests - to lock Assange in a dark gaol and throw away the keys. Not because I condone such punishment or because I believe it would be justified for what he did. But simply because I do not want to hear or read about this bloated prick ever again.

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A Hughes failure: Flat Earther rocketeer can't get it up yet again

Evil Auditor
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Brilliant!

Giving your rocketeering attempts a flat-earther spin for squeezing money out of stupid to fund your hobby. Fucking brilliant.

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On yer bike! Boffins teach AI drone to fly itself using cams on bicycles, self-driving car

Evil Auditor
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Devil

Operating on single plane

EerieEasy solution: forget about pictures to teach the AI and instead use a self-teaching system such as AlphaZero. Might need a more complex neural network though. But I'd expect totally innovative ways to navigate the city. And maybe the AI gets the hang of hoovering at groin level - just for fun.

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Evil Auditor
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Coat

Re: Rotating blades at groin height

Why, all of a sudden, I somehow do not feel thrilled by this idea...

'cause this not your kind of kinky fetish.

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When you play this song backwards, you can hear Satan. Play it forwards, and it hijacks Siri, Alexa

Evil Auditor
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Re random biology

Maybe the females lost interest in the boring males and tried to hump the aircon instead?

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User stepped on mouse, complained pedal wasn’t making PC go faster

Evil Auditor
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Re: Reminds me of a story

I've heard of such incidents as well - "move your mouse to the top right corner..." And there he was, holding the mouse to the top right corner of the screen. I wouldn't blame the user. I'd rather say it's the user interface that is under-developed.

But there are other things... Two people, one of which is the misses of an ex-colleague, attended a computer class to learn stuff about an office suite of the Microsoft flavour. Both of them were perfectly able to use e-mail. One day they wanted to exchange some homework, something done in Excel. Solution: 1) do the work in a spreadsheet; 2) print the spreadsheet on paper; 3) fax* the paper to classmate; 4) type the stuff in spreadsheet... 5) Face meets palm quicker than you can say d'oh.

*Fax, for millenials, is instant messaging on paper.

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PACK YOUR BAGS! Two Trappist-1 planets have watery oceans, most likely to be inhabitable

Evil Auditor
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Re: They might be the right temp

Someone needs to go there and have a look.

And nuke the entire site from orbit...

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Aut-doh!-pilot: Driver jams 65mph Tesla Model S under fire truck, walks away from crash

Evil Auditor
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65mph crash?

No way, not in these pictures. Maybe 20, 25mph.

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'The capacitors exploded, showering the lab in flaming confetti'

Evil Auditor
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Re: Improbable @Omgwtfbbqtime

In my garage too, I have a 32A supply (@400V), which I could even upgrade to about 70A if needed. But it's rare to find those in office spaces, powering some PCs.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Improbable

DainB, I don't know where you live but power sockets around here are limited to 10, 13 amps. If it's a 400V socket it may deliver up to 16 amps. (For higher currents we are talking about serious hardware.)

The power supply in my PC could deliver 70 amps @ 12V - enough to roast a few things...

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IBM turns panto villain as The Reg tells readers: 'It's behind you!'

Evil Auditor
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Re: Carrier pigeon? Oops.

What killed the pigeon within reach of ElReg's beak?

It read the message.

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Intellectual Property Office drops, er, patently cool cartoon to teach kids about trademarks

Evil Auditor
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A basic understanding of IP and a respect for others' IP rights is therefore a key life skill.

I'm not going to argue about the content of this statement - it may or may not be true. But dear Catherine, head of the IPO's education outreach department, I suspect that you lack some genuine key life skills.

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Wanna motivate staff to be more secure? Don't bother bribing 'em

Evil Auditor
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Re: Dont' name and shame persistent offenders

Sack them may be part of it. The article, although put into the context of IT security, is mainly about organisational behaviour and how to (de-)motivate staff.

It's basics. People are usually intrinsically motivated to do a good job - as long as certain hygiene factors are present. For example, tolerating incompetency will demotivate the competent people. Dealing out silly petty cash for good behaviour will be looked through for what it is: silly - and demotivate. And so on.

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Hawaiian fake nukes alert caused by fat-fingered fumble of garbage GUI

Evil Auditor
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Re: Oh my GUI

<OK> <APPLY>

Contemporary UIs don't need old-fashioned <OK> and whatever buttons. A single drop-down menu is all there is: you select an item -usually an unintended one- and it will be applied/executed/entered immediately. The paradigm is to hide the sought-after function behind several layers of a vast variety of different but equally confusing dialogue forms with the underlying basic idea that if you surprisingly managed to find said function you surely know not to mishandle it. Welcome to the Brave New UI.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Confirmation checkbox needed

But, but, but... I want to test "THE REAL THING"! And not only the TEST.

Anyway... you answered your question already though. It seemeth that nowadays UIs are sent to the unusability lab and only leave once they scored top. Which imbeciles thought it a good idea to apply mediocre fondleslap UIs everywhere else too?!

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BOFH: Buttock And Departmental Defence ... As A Service

Evil Auditor
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Re: Missed opportunity

Totally agreed! I was waiting for this one.

Somehow that reminds me of a distant past, or rather of a former life entirely. And encountering a person (or should that be plural?) who was so massive that they had their own zip code for their arse cheek. A separate code one for each.

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Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the data centre temp's delightful

Evil Auditor
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Trollface

Re: Um...

Yep. They fscked up the old one, obviously. Abandoned and installed a new one. But where the heck is it?! No way to go - north is blocked by the Great Wall of Donald and south is not a lot of space either.

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Elon Musk finally admits Tesla is building its own custom AI chips

Evil Auditor
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I can't help it, but I'm not worried at all.

Don't remember who said it, with which I agree: worrying about AI taking over the World is like worrying about over-population on Mars.

Sometimes I rather hope that one time, someone finally invents intelligence. (Or would I pass the Turing test based on my El Reg presence?)

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Total recog: British AI makes universal speech breakthrough

Evil Auditor
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That really is impressive work!

But, to confirm colinb (...silly negativity on AI around here...), I find the term AI is used generously. Too generously, in fact. Admittedly, I've probably missed the latest development in AI. But my impression still is that what is named AI is just pattern recognition, even if sophisticated pattern recognition.

A board of wood with a square whole does pattern recognition, too.

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User asked help desk to debug a Post-it Note that survived a reboot

Evil Auditor
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Re: PBKAC

Most people, maybe... Printer indicates "no paper". User who sits next to that printer phones me to let me know that she can't print. That moment, more than 20 years ago, I gave up hope on users. And soon became one myself. With the occasional twist of knowing more than the IT support guy - that was before Windows 10/Office 2016 though. Now we're all back to stupid. And probably not long before I myself will try to click away a post-it note stuck to the screen. When that happens, someone please shoot me.

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How we fooled Google's AI into thinking a 3D-printed turtle was a gun: MIT bods talk to El Reg

Evil Auditor
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Re: As I read it

There's certainly no "I" in this "AI". I don't quite agree with algorithmic in your comment though. It's probably some sort of artificial neural network trained to recognise what it has recognised before. Pretty stupid, but... since it's hardly understood what happens within this neural network, they call it intelligent.

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Combinations? Permutations? Those words don't mean what you think they mean

Evil Auditor
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Re: How I always remembered it

I was quite disappointed to discover that they were not nearly as secure as I had assumed.

They look pretty insecure to me in the first place. Before trying any combination you'd rather crack open the whole lock. If you can't figure the combination from the dirt on the right keys, that is.

Anyway, those locks are not really made to secure anything. They are rather there against accidentally opening the wrong door.

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Night out in London tonight: Beer, Reg and platform wars

Evil Auditor
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Tribes

It's been mentioned in the article already. Techies are not much different to the regular blokes* and most people are still tribal. We like to group, to differentiate from other groups, being it on religion, country, profession, you name it - and technology platforms for techies. The latter, at least, is hardly ever cause for bloodshed** and hence a rather peaceful war.

* Surely I don't want to exclude them but I've yet to come across any significant number of female techies who are equaliy obsessed about their platform being the best.

** Except (not really a platform though) those bloody sharp-edged fuckers of Olivetti computers. I hated them. And I also hate Windows 8, Office 365, Apple's locked platform rubbish....

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Ernst & Young slapped with £1.8 MEEEELLION fine for crap accounting

Evil Auditor
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Re: The Big 4

I've got experiences with several member firms of the Big 4 networks. And I've seen both work done badly and work done very well in most of those firms. It mostly depends on individuals, whether they do their job well, and hence shows a lack of quality control. (QC is even less sexy business than the bread-and-butter stuff known as audit.) It's just right that both the company and the audit engagement partner get fined.

Regarding the £1.8m, this shouldn't be compared to EY's global revenue of $31.4bn. For a more meaningful comparison the £1.8m should be put in perspective to EY UK's revenue. It's still not going to ruin EY UK as in 2016 it was somewhere north of £2bn.

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BOFH: Oh dear. Did someone get lost on the Audit Trail?

Evil Auditor
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In all my years of evilly auditing -and I've encoutered and investigated quite a few fraud cases - and much to my disappointment I've never had to pleasure to meet a BOfH-like opponent. Usually, first they simply deny. Second, they keep denying. Third are the excuses and entering the whiny mode.

But without exception they didn't cover their trails. Well, the ones who presumably did I never found...

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Portland posts full report on Uber's dirty dealings with Greyball

Evil Auditor
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Re: Never Used Them

a yank lurker, I'm with you - no cc or more sensitive data on my mobile either. And no Uber etc. But what do you do when you need a lift in a town like San Francisco? There are hardly any taxis left. No chance of simply waving at the next cab. Unless you are blessed with extreme patience.

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Five ways Apple can fix the iPhone, but won't

Evil Auditor
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God may use DOS 6.3 or DolphinDOS - no one really cares except god. But I know for a fact that god wants us to use OS/400 on any mobile phone for god itself designed specifically for that use.

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Massive iPhone X leak trashes Apple's 10th anniversary circus

Evil Auditor
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Re: Apple has redrawn the poo emoji

What were they thinking?!

When I first heard of an emoji film I thought it was a bad joke. Then missus assured me that it is actually a real thing. Which sane person would want to watch this? So, animated poo seems less of a surprise now.

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Evil Auditor
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Re: Apple has redrawn the poo emoji

Len Goddard, if my memory serves me right they had the respective "olfactory emitter" sone years ago in desktop products. Problem was that the emission of stink wasn't striktly limited to when a poo icon was displayed on screen. For those affected it was rather constant. And not very popular either.

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The bigger the drone, the bigger the impact

Evil Auditor
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Re: WTF?

tins of bear - those Aussies..

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Evil Auditor
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No human pilots

...so no human lives at risk

Somewhere over the jungle probably not. In densely populated urban areas though...?

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Everybody without Android Oreo vulnerable to overlay attack

Evil Auditor
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Facepalm

...simply by being installed on the device."

I'm save then! For ages my Android has been refusing to install any software. Ever since Google Play said it needs to move to a current version in order to function and at the same time refused to update because my Android build is too old.

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Scotiabank internet whizzkids screw up their HTTPS security certs

Evil Auditor
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Re: It can happen

I don't see why every dog's blog should provide TLS. But as soon as someone needs to rely on the provided information TLS becomes rather essential. And this surely includes a bank's marketing site.

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