* Posts by Jemma

792 posts • joined 31 Dec 2008

Page:

Cloud-slingers get 3-week extension to pitch for Pentagon's JEDI contract

Jemma
Silver badge

"Use the Farce, Luke"

"Let go of your conscious thoughts & act on stupid..."

"Your overcapitalisation is your weakness..."

"Your faith in Crapita is yours..."

I could go on, but what's the point?

Outsourcing (whether meatbag or otherwise) is one of the few places where AI might actually be useful to rid end users of the joys of systems specced & installed by telephone sanitizers (on their night job). But sadly it'll be programmed by other telephone sanitizers (on their night job(because good coders are expensive, y'all)) - so it'll all even out in the end.. We'll still get crap, and they'll still get a 3000% markup.

2
0

US voting systems: Full of holes, loaded with pop music, and 'hacked' by an 11-year-old

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: I heard that ...

The British government did too - but they got left on the 10:18 to Swansea... And haven't been seen since.

Does it depress any one else that despite the fact the uk is a dirty, garbage and pothole ridden*, conservative "voting" craphole - there are *still* worse places to live? It's the 21st century for heavens sake.

*My parents recently did a 4200 mile journey across Europe to Russia and back - didn't see a single pothole outside of the UK and saw more roadside rubbish in the journey between Harwich & Colchester than in the entire of Europe including Poland, Lithuania, Latvia & Russia itself.

PS : Getting a visa for Russia is *the* most deranged process on the planet. Think you're worried about Google snooping. They want the numbers and details of your kids and grandkids passports - even if they're not going and every single country you've ever even *driven* through or flown over..

5
1
Jemma
Silver badge

In other news

The kid called Emmet was later identified on CCTV buying parts for a 1982 Delorean DMC12...

Does it really matter anyway? The Russians are running the elections as it is, and I'm sure ole Vladimir would look great in Zeyd cloth.. The Drunk Lord of the Sith.

Arguably the US is a failed state as it is, eco terrorist, arguably terrorist terrorist (what do you call invading Iraq after 9/11?, there was no way Saddam was involved, he hated the Islamic fundies more than the Americans did/do), run by the most dangerous idiot since Caligula retired and full of buck toothed retards who think cancer/hiv/sti's (and practically every other illness) is divine retribution for homosexuality and voting democrat.

EARLY CUYLER FOR PRESIDENT!!!!! (oh wait, that happened...)

25
4

The off-brand 'military-grade' x86 processors, in the library, with the root-granting 'backdoor'

Jemma
Silver badge

Wait...

I thought you just typed 'iddqd' for God mode..

14
0

Space, the final Trump-tier: America to beam up $8bn for Space Force

Jemma
Silver badge

Wrong

The first successful launch of a rocket into space was the first successful test launch of the A-4 rocket by a lovely chap by the name of Wernher Von Braun - specifically Sturmbannfuhrer von Braun under the auspices of Hitlers government. Ill educated Americans will probably better recognise it as the V-2. It was quite an advanced device when it worked - and there was a two stage version being prototyped at the end of the war.

It didn't go into orbit, despite just about being capable, but it *did* get into space and then continued on a ballistic course to make a relatively big hole somewhere unrecorded.

It really pisses me off when Americans claim first in everything - when they're usually a decade behind. A good example is the Wrights - they DID NOT make the first powered flight - they even admitted it in COURT. But we can't have a German American doing it can we? White (anglicised from "Weiss") built his own plane and engine from scratch - almost singlehandedly pioneering aero engine design and using oxy acetylene mixture for fuel flew first. On top of that he pioneered V engines in aircraft, coupled ignition (two plugs per cylinder, later fired by separate circuits), built up a company building universally respected aero engines in both petrol & acetylene types (including an early form of direct injection if I remember) - and no one has heard of him. It's two twerps in a wing warped deathtrap that even modern ace pilots *and* computer autopilots can't make fly at all, let alone remotely safely.

Please do the world a favour and do your research first - either that or keep your mouth shut - lest your boot inexplicably ends up massaging your kidneys; from the inside. I *hate* ill educated idiots.

12
5
Jemma
Silver badge

I said it before, and hoped I'd never have to say it again..

Does it not worry other people that if aliens do choose to visit this backend of the galaxy - that they are even more likely to meet Donnie Dickwit as the representative of the entire earth?

What are they going to use? Reconditioned space shuttles with go faster stripes and nuclear tipped sidewinders?

Heaven forfend one of the alien commanders decides to defect.. You can just imagine *that* conversation.

Captain: "Hjilub isn't the worry, neither is the entire navy. I know their tactics, I have the advantage. No, the problem is the Americans - we meet the right sort, this will work. We get some buckaroo...

XO: "So basically sir, we're fscked..."

Captain: "We're fscked"

Honestly - could the Dickwit Whitehouse get any stupider? I'm expecting the "rubber rings and armbands initiative" for sea mammals any minute now (they might get tired and they can't breathe under water..)

And honourable mention to Inner Space and another classic..

Trump: "The Donnie Dickwit machine, zero defects..."

Everyone else: "Oh shit, there goes the planet..."

14
1

Declassified files reveal how pre-WW2 Brits smashed Russian crypto

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: The clue is in the name

... Doesn't matter - the NHS would still photostat them to save money.

Reminds me of the mating call of the lesser-spotted incompetent teacher "I didn't photostat enough so it's one between two*" because I can't frigging count (and it's a maths lesson).

*And not the fun type of one between two where one of the two is blonde and the other filipina.

1
0

Boss helped sysadmin take down horrible client with swift kick to the nether regions

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Magical policing

Fully synthetic I hope? Just like the rest of the garbage they peddle.

Interesting recipe for the old ladies - 50% voudoun & 50% racism - and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turned out to be completely true.

9
4

Fix this faxing hell! NHS told to stop hanging onto archaic tech

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: At a guess, it'l be the eye watering amount

For handwriting substitute:-

"The inane scribblings of a trapdoor spider after two pints of ketamine..."

2
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: They'd still be using...

And that rattling noise wasn't the big ends on my old Sceptre, it was you missing my point.

Yes, the operation helped your grandmother, one of them helped my dad and a new hip helped a friend of his who is one of the few people on the planet I have respect for. But both my father at 65ish and Peter were still working and contributing. My gran was refused a hip operation which arguably led to a fall which ripped her leg open and destroyed the sight in one eye. The other grandmother was murdered by the No Hope Service...

They'd paid all their lives and were refused help or given wildly inappropriate medication by the NHS. I was well on the way to being killed by NHS doctors prescribing me medication that I shouldn't have been within 100 yards of - multiple times (although on the upside I'm no longer allergic to cats).

Lucky old your grandmother, and <insert deity heres> speed to her. But if she or someone like her getting money for a transplant meant that my partner got a second rate (let's be honest here, sixth rate (technically 10-15 guns, but you know what I mean)) oncologist who cost her her life at 22... Then I'd be asking Dickie Briars to hand me the Uzi.

I'm not in any way against the elderly - they're the best resource a society can have - especially with some of the sub average cretins in the latest batch - but there comes a point when welding up old grannies is like welding up old Allegros - it's a cost benefit analysis. When someone has a memory that lasts a shorter time than the 0-60 of the average Tesla - and a bladder to match, do you really think it's a good idea to try for a quadruple bypass. Or would it be better to use the same money to fund cancer treatment for a teenage abuse victim...?

1
13
Jemma
Silver badge

They'd still be using...

Daisy-chained 128k Spectrums and thermal printers if they could get away with it at Colchester General - but they're more expensive than the utter cack that's there now (and arguably more functional) so that's out.

I'm surprised they aren't using carrier pigeons (carrier ducks were tried (for messaging and mowing the hospital lawns) but the messages got soggy. Also bird flu).

More funding would help, but at this point that's all it would do. The NHS is like a stage 4 cancer patient - it's already dead, the world just hasn't quite caught up yet. In order to fix the problems you'd have to divorce it from any government control and monetary limitations for at least 2 decades and probably more, while growing services and reducing hours (while increasing pay) and hoping fervently that there isn't any crises while you are doing it. That's about as likely to happen as Cliff Richard converting to Satanism (not that he hasn't sent his fair share of souls to the dark side - Mistletoe & Whine on repeat for example).

And for fscks sake - STOP doing pointless operations on 85-90 year olds. Some of them have so many artificial joints that if they go swimming at Southend sonar operators end up with tinnitus, in the bloody Baltic! When you can diagnose cancers and other diseases in teenagers and young people who are or will be contributing to the NHS, treat expectant mothers properly and with respect, not to mention a GP service that hasn't ended up locked in an era when landcrabs roamed the earth (Morris, not Macra). Then, and only then, may you start doing heart surgery on the meatspace equivalent of Cohen the Barbarian. Oh and if a consultant can't find their ass with both hands please kindly sack them.

The NHS was a good idea and still is a good idea. The enactment of that idea however has been an unmitigated example of how not to do it - for so long fuckup-ery is permanently and terminally ingrained

7
17

'Coding' cockup blamed for NHS cough-up of confidential info against patients' wishes

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: "unreserved apologies"

Firstly the NHS NOT TPP told me I could opt out of this crap. DESPITE the fact they are NOT allowed, by law, to share my data, the Police can't share my data and neither can DWP without voice or text verification from ME.

NHS communicated that information to me and I told the NHS that under no circumstances was my information to be shared with anyone ANYWHERE unless I specifically state otherwise, personally, myself, me.

It now turns out that because the NHS hired their usual bunch of feckless cretins that this information has not been properly conveyed, coded, recorded (whatever) and my information may or may not be out in the public domain which is exactly the OPPOSITE of what I asked the No Hope Service to do via TPP - whom the NHS hired.

Under British law the NHS is supplying a service to me & everyone else (for a given value of service, so far something along the lines of dev_not_quite_null) and TPP are contracted to the NHS. So here's my understanding of how this goes.

I get to rant my fucking head off at the No Hope Service and they get to beg forgiveness on their knees and pay me MAJOR compensation if my details have been, effectively, leaked to every pointy haired marketing gimp this side of the Kuiper Belt.. Not to mention this is, in my case, illegal under UK law.

What happens next is the lawyers get to look at the contract between NHS and TPP - and *hopefully* for the NHS there is a clause somewhere that says - "In the event we screw the pooch worse than the average Trump voter, and the NHS have to pay compensation, we are responsible for the damages (if within the product we supplied) and are liable to pay back the amount of the compensation to the NHS, in full". Note I said "hopefully".

If TPP manage to get out of that clause, or if there never was one, or, more likely, the NHS lawyers are the modern equivalent of the YTS girl off monkey dust - the NHS are liable to me because they are providing *me* with a service and all the bell(end)s and whistles that implies - including respecting my wishes for the disposal/sharing and propagation of my data and details thereof.

I think as I said, the NHS was a great idea, but then so was the Austin landcrab, the Chrysler Airflow and democracy - they all failed to account for the fact humans in general are the stupidest intelligent lifeform known to intelligentkind.

3
5
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Of course if the NHS Digital was interested in Privacy by Design...

You lost them at the word "think"..

1
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: "unreserved apologies"

I have precisely zero problem with that. Maybe after the first 15 times of being fined they might employ managers who don't have to change down into mental low-range to achieve words of more than two syllables, or coders who actually know that BNF (Bachus-Naur form) is a process coding and programming tool - not a rare special edition Simca 1108. And who can code in something OTHER than BLOODY VISUAL BLOODY BASIC!!

Or maybe - and I know I'm wishing here - they'll employ consultants who don't hang around drag clubs (supposed to be the titular head of transgender treatment, pun intended) and tell terminally ill teens to effectively FOAD (Fuck off and die). Or they'll even have the lockdown passwords for AN ENTIRE HOSPITAL worth of computers off the support manager before he sods off to Dubai and doesn't leave forwarding details - preferably before they employ people to update/replace the anti-virus.

Or here's a thought - maybe it'd be a good idea not to lose £1m because some manager had a bright transport idea, set everything up without telling a single colleague and then promptly dropped dead.

The NHS has been a joke since it started but it's been getting less and less funny. It's now like a cross between Carry On Up The Pandemic and a documentary about the talents of British Leyland accountants scripted by Love Island rejects and performed entirely in Brythonic (probably in a "pissed out of his mind" drunk Scottish accent or variations thereof).

No one has the faintest clue what's happening and where or why, the accounts probably read like a cross between Lehmans and something the Phoenix Four might cook up (assuming anything before 1983 is actually obtainable). The computer systems would be better placed starring on an episode of Dilbert or possibly Spongebob. The managers at least at my local hospital have all sodded off home by 3pm at the latest and the only reason the nurses and the rest of them aren't on strike 3 days a week is they can't use piecework as an excuse (look up the "two screws" Triumph "Innsbruck" strike as an example), and there aren't any trades unions "organisers" left capable of raising a colestomy bag, let alone a riot.

The NHS is basically a company - a publicly funded one - but a company nonetheless. It's end product is (hopefully) healthier people going out than came in. All it seems to produce is platinum plated fuckwittery of epic proportions, incompetence and mindless cruelty. Why? Because everything other than management salary is on the cheap - hardware - cheapest possible option, software - mentally 13 year old script kiddies who wouldn't know good code if the mainframe running it dropped on their heads.

It's going to get to the point soon where MI5/6 won't be warning about not picking up random thumb drives - they'll be warning about NHS dossiers being picked up on trains - if the hardcopy doesn't give you Haemorrhagic fever, the dvd will be riddled so badly with malware that if you play it backwards it'll beg to be put out of its misery.

Try to understand. The NHS has been underfunded since it was a gleam in Bevins beady little socialist eye - and it wasn't a bad little gleam as gleams go - but it's now little more than a rotting corpse which is only struggling on because no one has noticed it died around the time Dave Mellor was going back to basics (doggy style). It is, in the words of the great John Cleese "A dead parrot, it 'as ceased to exist" and it's not "just sleeping". It's been forced to live with the dregs of everything for so long it's just withered completely. It's only managing to limp along because like my aunts geriatric old Labrador it's just in the habit of breathing, crapping and smacking into things headfirst (usually in this case, data breaches).

The truly scary part is there's nothing to replace it and all that's being done is propaganda, half hearted "cash injections" and gormless platitudes delivered by the Z list cretin du jour. A real current favourite being Stacey "the pedo GPS" Dooley (MBE would you believe?!!) - a woman who really needs to investigate an air embolism, personally. "Hmm, here's a thought, let's do a documentary to tell every. Single. Kiddiefiddler. On. The. Frigging. Planet. Where to go next". Or even better "let's put Kurdish female fighters at risk, looking after some dappy Irish chick, for feminism bro". I'd rather have Drs Crippen & Shipman ably assisted by Allitt & that nice porter called Manson treat me than be within range of that blonde idiot - in a hospital no less.. Unless being "in range" involves a Moisin Nagant and a slipper clip of Tungsten hollow points.. "in like a penny - out like a pizza (TM)".

4
9
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: "unreserved apologies"

I'm thinking immediate headshot. My medical information is my medical information. It is *NOT* for monetisation by every pointy haired cretin this side of the Kuiper Belt.

And when you well meaning dribbling idiots and idiotettes at the NHS have finished cleaning up the splatter - how about a list of EVERY SINGLE GPs Surgery affected and a nice even £50k in damages to every patient concerned.

Some of us opted out for very good reasons (not the least of which that it violates legal protections for minority groups) and this should have been respected.

19
3

Foot lose: Idiot perv's shoe-mounted upskirt vid camera explodes

Jemma
Silver badge

Wisconsin state motto.

"We're not quite as retarded as Texas"

3
0

Universal Credit has never delivered bang for buck, but now there's no turning back – watchdog

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Funny how they didn't mention...

If no-one votes what happens - none of the greedy self interested ex-eton types get to avoid paying tax on millions of daddy's money while ass-raping the rest of us and telling us it's in our own self interest.

How do you think this crap happens? Magic?

All the average idiots buy into the idea that voting will make a difference and so we go round in the same idiotic circle like the perennial confused granny in her Allegro on the M25 - falling for the same bullshit while the politicians and their sidekicks are laughing all the way to the Leeds (if they hadn't sucked everything out of it and let it collapse, for fun).

Grenfell - oh look, backhander alert, we know it's not safe or certified gear but hey, we're rich and on the council and they're Pakis and Muslims and Fuzzy-wuzzies, oh my! One of the very few times they miscalculated. And are the people in good safe housing? Are they hell as like.

UC - Let's systematically rape the most vulnerable - because we're bored. It's not even as if the MPs and executives are even benefitting because its OUR frigging money they're using (or more technically, yours). Let's waste money setting up, waste more running it, even more treating the disastrous human health calamities that result - and even more on the corporate weasel wording to cover it up.

Then you have the local MP - ours is Priti Patel - yeah she's actually pretty but she's a dumb as a stump and can't even manage to stick to what execrable laws there are for controlling government bollocks.. And you voted her in - so I get to whinge but you DON'T.

But I hear you say - it wasn't always like this..

Let me tell you a true story.

Once upon a time in England there was a rich smug git who noticed that alot of little girls (say over 10) were showing signs of syphilis. This is partly because of poverty and partly because of an old wives tale that if you are syphilitic and screw a virgin it cures you (probably to do with the latency of syphilis). Our socially responsible RSG thought about this and decided after some while it was a bad thing - both the child prostitution and the syphilis. After all heaven forfend one of his friends might be infected while nailing an 8 year old. How embarrassing.

So he has a quiet chat with his friends the MPs, and then a slightly louder chat with them when they say no, and then gets some other RSGs involved and eventually the age of consent is raised to 16...

Wonderful chap you might think, good on you mate and other congratulatory emissions... You might not be quite so complimentary when I tell you he was a brothel keeper, ran prostitutes and all his girls were 16 OR OVER. So in one fell swoop he'd gone from running what were considered high mileage slappers to providing the youngest ass you could tap without setting off an Amber Alert. I think the Americans call that a win-win scenario.

And the best bit, despite the fact that Syphilis (until very recently) was practically eradicated from the country and despite the fact that countless studies on sexuality, sexual health and countless court cases where 11-15 year old have been done FOR CHILD ABUSE of partners the same age... We still have a stupid law designed by a pimp to make his girls more desirable, dressed up as social responsibility and used by parents and schools everywhere to duck their responsibilities as regarding educating kids.

And the real irony - a 10 year old terminally ill child can legally make the decision to end their own lives, BY BRITISH LAW, under Gillett competency because they are considered able to understand the issues at stake - but they're a Kiddiefiddler if they're healthy (or not) and sleep with someone at 12. Are you fucking kidding me? Funnily enough it's never rich kids who end up in this position is it?

Try and understand this.

The MPs do not have your best interests at heart (that's assuming they've even heard of the phrase).

The rich or the law courts do not have your interests at heart (what laws we do have have have been slowly hacked out of vested interests corpulent corpses over decades).

The corporate cockweasels ditto - in that I include Facebook, Amazon, every single company practically you deal with.

The only reason you get a modicum of lip service (pun not intended) from any of them is because even the most gormless customer can tell the difference between crap and slightly crapper - so it's in their interest to be slightly less shite than the next cockweasel.

The best bit about the democratic process? You actually fell for it. You see it's a scam. It implies that you vote in one set of cretinous gimps and their policies will be engimped at the highest possible speed. Except no. Half the policies were lies and half of them are anathema to the unelected civil servants so they get buried faster than an underage hooker. Result, the country is back in the back seat of the hypothetical Allegro burbling round the London Ring Road deafened by a wheezy E series, transmission whine, gassed by mothballs and feasting on Werthers PedoPellets..

7
5
Jemma
Silver badge

Which is quite terrifying when you think about it. My 71 Landcrab has a higher top end than the average MPs IQ (for those not aware of the minutiae of the Wolseley, 93mph (with optional JATO pack - don't ask about the diesel)).

This actually means that a fairly large percentage of the current population would be barely equal to the retard boy on Alien³. It's like a countrywide Waltons Mountain.

My IQ tests between 130-140 but it doesn't really matter because the intelligence signal in voting, Tesla purchasing (clue: don't do it) , or any other situation of importance is drowned out by the retard-beam squirting out into reality like something from Voldemorts wand (you should hope I mean the wooden one).

If you have any doubt about what I'm saying I've two little words for you...

Love Island

The fact that that is a thing should tell you it's time for the Soylent Majority to fulfil their destiny.

"I felt a great disturbance in the force, like a billion voices cried out in agony and were suddenly silenced. FINALLY, what a bloody relief!"

10
7
Jemma
Silver badge

Funny how they didn't mention...

That the harm so far has included deaths as a direct result of non payments of UC. Including one diabetic who couldn't even afford food and died of a Hypo.

As usual there are clues to what they're not saying in what they do. Either it should be rolled back or quite simply for every vulnerable person who dies as a result of this - a DWP/MPs relative should be publicly shot. You can bet that suddenly things will suddenly start improving or it'll be canned on the spot.

The cretins were told time after time after time this wouldn't work, that it wouldn't provide savings yet they still did it anyway. And the best part for all you voters (of which I am proud I'm not one) YOU GAVE THEM THE POWER TO DO THIS! Congratu-fucking-lations. Word to the wise, voters, if a member of your family dies or ends up in hospital with serious avoidable complications as a result of UC incompetence DO NOT come whining to me.

The irony is there are a fair number of people at risk of this whose health was destroyed by NHS incompetence and ended up on benefits - and now the government is screwing us over again - how do I know? I'm one of them.

22
11

Ex-Rolls-Royce engineer nicked on suspicion of giving F-35 info to China

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Malicious Actors..

I didn't know the cast of Hollyoaks was a bunch of sino-russian illegals. Although thinking about it...

4
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Counter-terrorism police?

Or if you're like my dad - digging the garden...

We moved into a new build bungalow in '82 I think - the garage has 1981 Royal Wedding bricks in it.. Anyway Dad did the traditional Roundup & Diesel special. Then the three passes with the rotavator. Then the digging through and beating the crap out of the scaffolding pins.

Until he got to one that wasn't going to break - so he hit it again, didn't break, so clout it a couple more times for luck right? Still resolutely disinterested.

So dad picked up the thing and cleaned it off and was left with a metal pear shaped lump a bit bigger than a cricket ball with a funny "looks like a plastic milk bottle top" section at one end. It also had a pretty pattern of machined squares in it, like little tiles.

Emphatically NOT a scaffolding pin - at least not one used since the Romans buggered off back to Italy (too much interbreeding with the French).

To cut a long story short - it wasn't hard to tell this was a grenade. The Police were called and the response was "bugger that mate". The bomb squad turn up and they're not touching it either. They X-ray the thing and it's live! So it's into an armour plated lead box and off to Friday Woods for a controlled explosion..

Bear in mind.. This thing had been through..

Being 1ft away from heavy building works (the garage)

Being doused in Roundup and diesel and set on fire..

Being run over by a rotavator no less than three times

Being manually dug up and belted a few times with a spade

Being picked up - cleaned off and examined by dad.

All the while live and fused.. And it didn't go off. Good old British engineering.

But not quite as bad as the kidling on an Easter Egg Hunt who wombles proudly back to the woman running the thing with his, oddly heavy, "Easter Egg" with the pretty little pin on top...

Slightly more on topic how about doing an "Our Man in Havana"? I'm sure you could hoodwink the Chinese with one of those "electric turbocharger" fans, a copy of MS Paint and surgically removed integrity - the probable result reminding me of the university housemate that used my plastic tray as a baking tray because it was grey and "looked like metal".

15
0

Shock: Google advises UK peers against more legislation

Jemma
Silver badge

Upvote - especially for the retards'r'us dance music and that femdroid voice that sounds like C3PO's inbred half sister. And it should be an automatic death sentence for anyone who uploads a video with the word chassis pronounced "Char:sissssss" or any similar abominations.

4
1
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Corporate wars begun...

".. The more you tighten your grip... The more Kiddiefiddlers will slip through your fingers.. "

2
0

Microsoft will ‘lose developers for a generation’ if it stuffs up GitHub, says future CEO

Jemma
Silver badge

Trust of developers?

I bet he even managed to say that with a straight face...

Still the change to the url will be cheap & easy...

https://gitshub.com

31
6

Oddly enough, when a Tesla accelerates at a barrier, someone dies: Autopilot report lands

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: After the last childish outburst...

And he put himself willingly in that position in an industry that has a very poor safety record and a high chance of getting killed even *if* you do everything perfectly.

I've very little sympathy for the guy. About the same amount for a girl killed on the most dangerous road near my home bar none (Birch Park) - you *do not* ride a pushbike down there at 3am without lights or helmet wearing black and expect to live. I won't even take the Wolseley down there, in broad daylight, because of the sociopathic soccer moms screaming flat out down the middle of the road.

I do have sympathy for the driver however and personal experience of deranged cruise control. The Renault Safrane 2.0/2.2 had a very nasty cruise habit. If you were 25+mph off your cruise set speed it'd purr up to speed gradually like a well fed and happy Rolls-Royce. Anything under that and it'd take off in "boyracer mode" like a Siamese cat with a firework rammed up its butt. It could catch you out even if you expected it. I really really hope they changed the cruise control logic for the Biturbo version - because the results would have been similar to what happened to the Tesla. Maximum splat.

14
12

UK military may recruit wheezy, alcoholic keyboard warriors

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Morals

You mean they have some...

Saw that Michelle Keegan girl singing the praises of the lesser spotted squaddie - wonder how she'll feel after I mention the smallpox laced blankets for Amerindian women and kids. Or how we used a biotoxin weapon (botulinum toxin) to assassinate enemy combatants in WW2 - even the Nazis didn't do that (the OVOC don't count since they weren't combatants). Or riddling Indian women and kids or even the odd English one.. (Peterloo).

Not to mention giving the world concentration camps, to the Jews everlasting regret. Although that was more incompetence than outright intent.

Makes you proud to be British; what, what?

2
1
Jemma
Silver badge

"I wouldn't lick a Korean if he was glazed in honey..."

"The digital map is very detailed sir, look, there's a little worm program..."

"You mean geek on our geek as he searches for their geek...?"

"When I joined up we were still fighting post colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt you shot him and nicked his oil."

"The kind of people we like to fight are over 50 and running unpatched Windows ME"

The list is endless.

19
0

Watchdog slams TSB boss for underplaying extent of IT meltdown

Jemma
Silver badge

You ain't seen nothing yet...

Wait until the HSBC (Highly Suspect Banking Cartel) switch over to their new UK app..

15
0

John McAfee plans 2020 presidential tilt

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Re Trumptards

If I'd have detailed this situation 5 years ago to my GP as reality they *would* have put me in a secure unit on the basis I'm nucking futs.

A Russian elected American president whose a deranged psychopath - elected by a mixture of hacking, misdirection and inbred rednecks.

A weekly US school machine gunning

An hourly London stabbing or death by moped

Imploding EU

Volcanoes erupting out of nowhere (trained geologist, that simply doesn't happen)

People actually listening to a Rees-Mogg.

Womb transplants

Murderous poofs on the beeb

Italians making cars (other than Ferraris) that people actually want!

American president trying to start 2 nuclear wars at the same time

Dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria

You'd never be able to sell modern reality as a movie script - no one would believe you.

2
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Re Trumptards

You want a reasoned argument?

He's Donald Trump.

A slightly more detailed reasoned argument.

He's a horse faced misogynistic sociopath who is to successful business what Jimmy Saville was to compassionate childcare. His policies on the environment and practically everything else would have Suharto, Pol Pot, Chaucescu and Stalin going pale and suggesting he back it off a little. Single handed he's done his level best to destroy NASA, the EPA, and every scrap of scientific worth he can get his mitts on (pun not intended) .

He's got the social grace of duckweed and about the same level of understanding of international affairs. He's managed to undermine and piss off every department of government in a way uniquely his own.

Not to mention that almost every single idea he's had has been racist, homophobic, or recidivist to some degree (or all three) and almost all of them have fallen flatter than a 50th floor suicide.

The man has put back gender, race and sexuality acceptance by 20 years and now all the Trumptards and Trumpettes who are racists have carte blanche to put the boot in (or more likely ram the shotgun* somewhere intimate). I'd love to see the hate crime figures from when Trump got in - I'd imagine a graph going up faster than a F35 on reheat.

But you've missed the point entirely. It really doesn't matter that Trump is a sociopathic cockwomble of epic proportions who is about as good for the human race as a worldwide Marburg pandemic. It really is of no consequence that the little cretin should have been drowned at birth or will be singlehandedly responsible for screwing up the environment and international relations possibly permanently. He was perfectly happy to admit these facts - he's even proud of them.

No. The terrifying thing is EVEN KNOWING THIS FULL WELL 51% OF THE COUNTRY VOTED FOR A SOCIOPATHIC, RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, MISOGYNISTIC, ILL EDUCATED, CORRUPT AND DANGEROUS IDIOT. which basically makes every single one of those people a small copy of Trump.

Over half of the United States population think living in a mash up of Deliverance, Sore-Ass Hill**, Mad Max & Squidbillies via Dr Strangelove and "the day after tomorrow" is a fantastic concept.

And some of them did it because they were more scared of the alternative - a woman.

I don't know about you, but that scares me rigid.

* "Fer poof blastin'"

** Brokeback Mountain for non cynics.

PS: the British Tory party supported Bobbie "I'm not a Syphilis riddled nutcase" Mugabe and he's visited the UK - despite the fact he's the deranged dictators deranged dictator and uses copies of the Geneva Convention for toilet paper (he's certainly never read it). The Tories don't even want Donnie Dickwit in the country - because he's worse than Mugabe! That's not a position to aspire to. And the American people put him there, "democratically".

As pTerry said "The problem with democracy is that you can't stop Nobby Nobbs from having a vote". Congratulations on half an entire country of Nobby Nobbses.

6
2
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Re Trumptards

Doesn't matter what anyone else says to them - they'll do it anyway. And thank <insert deity here> for the two terms law, or they'd be doing it for the life of the cretin.

The only non terminal way of solving this problem is education - but since most of them think Heydrich was a fashion designer and (a) Gondwanaland was a short lived Jeep special edition.. They aren't whingeing about evolution because of the retarded fish squirrels - it's simply because it means the Africans and Africa are purer humans and that really grinds their gears (so do most of them since driving stick for them is more terrifying than having an original thought).

The proper way to solve the problem that is the average or lesser spotted trumptard involves voting records, large pits and lots and lots of VX or even Hydrogen Cyanide (you can still buy it for fruit trees, don't tell the Israelis). It'll also help the environment, reduce pollution and environmental loads, not to mention reduce food and other imports and raise the collective IQ of the country to something resembling that of normal members of the species. It's a win win scenario.

PS: Dear World Leaders - should you collectively decide to follow my suggestion I would ask one favour - eliminate as a matter of urgency Westboro Baptists and all similar groups. You'll thank me for it. I'd personally suggest industrial meat grinders, feet first.

6
2
Jemma
Silver badge

I for one will welcome our dribbling overlord - oh wait, that's the current incumbent.

It isn't possible for anyone or anything to be worse than Donnie Dickwit. It's like watching a whole continent version of a wasp landing on a stinging nettle - someone's gonna get stung but you just don't care.

15
1
Jemma
Silver badge

Re Trumptards

If the babygro fits...

9
3

Facebook stockholders tell Zuck to reform voting rules as data scandal branded 'human rights violation'

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Meh

I think a quote from Avatar is apt for arsebook and Herr Zuckwit..

"They're pissing on us without even the courtesy of calling it rain".

But the really fun part is everyone is letting them do it. Don't want the Zuckwit and Arsebook doing what they do?

Delete your profile, delete your kids account, talk to your teenage child (yes it is possible to do this) and suggest her guide to blowjob techniques at age 17 is possibly not a good thing to blog on arsebook - and that all their information is being stolen. No Facebookwits, no facebook.

Myspace imploded because people walked away, and so far as I know it wasn't as pernicious as facebook - although that default friend cretin looked like a trainee serial killer..

If we want to put arsebook out of our misery all we need to do is walk away. Once the people aren't there the money will dry up faster than the Cali gold rush - and it'll be a ghost town with just the equivalent of an old caretaker (and human centipede breeder) - something for Michael Gove to aspire to as a retirement hobby..

19
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: the dogs bark, but the caravan goes on

The Russians obviously hadn't met the local cats..

If they had the Russian proverb would be..

"The cat listens, but continues to blatantly lick its crotch.. In public"

Or

"The cat listens, but continues to drop a grogan on your doormat"

Or for the 3am experience

"The cat listens, but still makes noises like a baby being disembowelled at 0 dark hundred"

Or a personal favourite.

"The cat listens, until your front wheel is 18" away, and *then* it tries to cross"

9
0

BOFH: Their bright orange plumage warns other species, 'Back off! I'm dangerous!'

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Hazard creation (delicate)

Fire in the hole?

We never had any health and safety issues - but there was the director who reversed a 1.6 ton Saab estate over the laptop he'd put behind the back wheel... Twice... In the space of a month.

... And the PHB who thought a porn filter was a fine upstanding idea... Until he was the first and only one in the entire company to get caught by it.

... Or the new IT director that replaced a £120 quad modem card remote access system (which worked perfectly) with a god-alone-knows-how-much VPN (£x hundred thousand) that only ever vaguely worked with Windows 98, and nothing else in the history of computing before or since - even then you were more likely to get a useful result from Automatic Writing.

10
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Hazard creation

No, no you're not..

You could say he was hoist on his own peturd..

7
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: One evening about ten year ago...

I hope that's plastic cutlery there, metal is usually above their pay grade...

4
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Fiat 500

Where do I start.

They eat brake pads, discs, and lines as if they're finest caviar.

The interior is extremely unsafe if you are basically over 5ft - I really want to have both knees amputated in a crash.. Not to mention if you are in the back in an accident you are basically a corpse if it burns. Which means the kiddies in the back will be the equivalent of a hog roast before the emergency services have found their keys. And my 4 door Wolseley is, and I quote, "dangerous". I'd like to introduce you to a fantastic new feature - we at BMC call them back doors.

The engines are fairly flaky, especially the MultiAirLeaks (from head and intake gaskets). You can guarantee that the owners have not the slightest clue about oils so just pick up 20w50 and go with it (which to paraphrase Robin Williams is "great when you're in a landcrab, but not so great when you've got VVTi") or (and my neighbour actually killed one doing this) top it up to the valve gear.

Amazingly for a FIAT however, they don't appear to rust.

They ride like a Bedford truck circa 1938 and the convertible is apparently worse..

But what makes me want to commit violent murder every time I see one is the turdulicious pastiche of a real classic burbling around the place with an owner who thinks they're the bees bollocks because they bought (or even worse, deliberately leased) the automotive equivalent of an iPhone that's just been run over by an M1 Abrams.

And THEN they turn up their nose at a proper classic, even the original 500 for being old fashioned (did you actually *look* at your car) and polluting! - or play the "Let's test the Wolseley brakes" game by pulling out 2 feet in front of me on a 50mph road. God alone knows what would happen if I hit one at speed in the 'crab, it'd probably go straight through.

But worst of all, even than the Italian kretinwagen, is the Mini. You know the one - the tribute that's bigger than my Wolseley and bigger than an SWB landrover. It's like a 30st tranny truck driver doing a cover version of Dolores O'Riorden in a PVC sheath dress and fuck-me-heels (I've actually experienced this, don't ask, but the counselling is going well). Poor Alec Issigonis must be spinning in his grave fast enough to light the whole of the Midlands..

30
3
Jemma
Silver badge

It's not optional at all, it should be written into the manuals as a general principle with the fireman's equivalent of the Blue Max awarded once you've destroyed 20.

Mini Clubfoots and C*ntryman score double points.

The Fiat 500 triple - 4 points if you manage to improve the gene pool at the same time.

The cretin who ok'd the new 500 for production should have been indicted for cruel and unusual punishment under Human Rights.

28
3
Jemma
Silver badge

Funny, that's never what my ex girlfriend used them for..

13
0

Zuck to meet Euro MPs for ‘please explain’ session

Jemma
Silver badge

So in theory, they can grill him properly

So 6 hours at gas mark 5 on a slow spit, basting regularly?

10
0

Britain to slash F-35 orders? Erm, no, scoffs Lockheed UK boss

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: US Patent Application US20180047462A1

Already been done but for the love of <insert deity here> don't put a filter balun on the power output feedback line. That's the sort of mistake you only make once in a career - at the end.

The HTRE reactors worked well - but using a filter to clean up a power sensor signal feed tricked the reactor into thinking power was crashing in basically a reverse supercritical event when actually it was increasing - because the filter attenuation clipped the signal - the automatic systems pulled all the rods to "recover" the reactor and promptly cooked it beyond repair - although due to the excellent design - no serious radioactivity was released.

PS - never clean out your reactor vessel with Borax cleaner - all you'll have afterwards is a $15m pressure cooker. A US university found that one out the hard way. So did some contract cleaners! Although on the upside - the reactor had never been more sparkly.

6
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: I read that as:

Depends if he realises that the mike is still on... British politicians and generals have quite the record for diving in with both feet when they think something is in private.

Then you have people like Enoch "I'm really lucky Sam Vimes isn't real" Powell - a walking argument for violent revolution.

17
0

Navy names new attack sub HMS Agincourt

Jemma
Silver badge

Re: heavily armoured French knights

Wonder who it'll be who gets to turn up in the Rover P6 at the end.. Please let it be Smeagol Gove and please let there be landmines.*

*It'd be a waste of a good P6 to be sure, but at least it's an honourable death.

1
0
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Wasn't the Ottoman empire allied with Germany in WWI?

And while we're on the subject. If the cretins at the admiralty had followed Churchills plans as written - not let the Frogs get involved it wouldn't have been an almighty balls up. It was the French who forced the straits before the landings and therefore gave the Germans and the Turks a heads up as to what was going to happen.

At which point every tube* and machine gun within 150 miles and every Turk, German and anyone else who fancied a punt at the British and French et al were sitting there waiting and gave the allies a right royal pasting.

If there had been one attack only it's likely to have succeeded - and guess who it was who diverted all the blame to Churchill - the very French twerp who'd forced the straits prematurely.

* Artillerymans slang for an artillery gun.

1
1
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Naming things

could always informally nickname it "the Y Shaped Coffin" after mademoiselle "if it moves" Markle.

They're trying to link her to Jack the Ripper (Holmes) - actually a chap named Frederick Bailey Deeming. Ironic really given the two of them.

0
4
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Wasn't the Ottoman empire allied with Germany in WWI?

No, at least they weren't until the RN nicked said superdreadnought, that had been paid for by public donations in the Ottoman Empire and was a pretty useful piece of kit by all accounts.. naming her HMS Erin.

That and the Germans turning up in the Dardanelles and turning over two cruisers to the Turks kinda put the boot into Anglo-Turkic diplomacy. The Goeben lasted as an operational capital ship from 1912 until 20 December 1950 and survived until 1973.

Kind of reminds me of a certain scene in Indiana Jones.. to paraphrase..

"10 11in guns, 2 Parsons Turbines, and a top speed of 25kts - and we even like the colour..."

Up until the Erin debacle the Turks had been British allies.

3
1
Jemma
Silver badge

Re: Dear France

Not really, because at the time Normandy was not part of France, it had been ceded to the Normans due to the habit of the French running away (hence the old joke about the French Crossbow - never fired, dropped once). It didn't become so until much later. Even then if I remember it right it had and still had until recently an unusual level of autonomy.

22
0
Jemma
Silver badge

First rule of the Eskimos

"We can always beat the French"

7
1

Page:

Forums

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2018