* Posts by John Ozimek

118 publicly visible posts • joined 30 Oct 2008

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Doner kebabs: Death wrapped in pitta bread

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

Spicy Squirrel

All very well testing for squirrel. Walkers are in the process of producing their annual selection of bizarre flavours and have just come out with a range of crisps that include the aforementioned spicy squirrel.

Bought a packet, looked very carefully at the ingredients - and was horrified to discover NO squirrel listed at all. I shall be taking this up with Walkers at the earliest possible moment.

Paris - as I wonder whether she has a taste for more unusual flavours such as squirrel - or beaver.

Deviants, perverts, 'weirdos' - who's going down?

John Ozimek

Oops (@myself!)

I do like to double check stuff and sadly, Amsterdam makes no reference to "moules frites".... just "frites", which is still a pretty gross image.

Obviously the combination of my own poor memory and filthy mind working overtime. Although one wonders if a translation is possible that still retains the obscene ambiguities with which the original was packed.

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

French pedantry (@mycho)

Mycho writes:

"The explanation is clear. Censorship of the vagina in its natural state* has served only to make people go to extreme measures to view them. One wonders whether some day a defence of "The censorship made me do it" might be accepted by a court of law.

"* I was going to type Au Naturel but then I realised that was the masculine form and couldn't be bothered remembering my French classes".

Apart from wondering just what sort of French classes you attended, I think you may be missing the point.. Anything and everything raw or in its natural state is "au naturel" - irrespective of its original gender, because the phrase includes an implied "état", or similar.

Literally - à l'état naturel....

For much the same reason as you ask for "un crême"...because despite the fem. gender of "crême", there is a masculine café implied there somewhere.

I suppose if you are going to be all clinical and write about "le vagin au naturel", you would have no probs with gender...everything in the sentence being masculine. That said, most people wouldn't say that and I can't quite think of any alternative masculine slang for "la chatte"....

...or as Brel rather coarsely punned in "Amsterdam", "les moules frites"....

cue assorted rude francophiles to enlarge my dictionary.

Paris: 'cause she sounds like a rude francofille...

Extreme porn law goes live - are you ready?

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

@ Police have most Porn

Absolutely.

Part of my interest in policing matters stems, I suspect, from the fact that my father was both a GP and an insomniac. As a result, he took up work as a Police Surgeon during the night hours (with the West Midlands Force), often being called out at one or two in the morning to administer tests, declare someone deceased (it never ceased to amaze me that no matter what the state of the corpse, only a medical practitioner could pronounce it dead) or otherwise help with inquiries.

In his less guarded moments, he did let slip that one station (Belgrave Road?), housed materials impounded by the Police in the course of raids, and it was common practice for him to be invited in to watch late night pron screenings.

Of course, that all happened during the '70's and no doubt could not possibly happen nowadays.

Paris - the only other film star on site.

Scotland's porn laws: Can we talk about this like grown-ups?

John Ozimek

Pedantically speaking...

...I had always understood the UK to consist of two countries (England and Scotland): a Principality (Wales) and a Province (Northern Ireland) - although never been entirely clear about what exact difference that makes.

As for the point about cross-border illegality: it is one thing to have different laws governing conduct in Scotland and England (the way Breach of the Peace is used differently in those two legislatures is a good case in point). Yes: I, too have played the legal debating game of imagining a train powering its way around Europe with a near-legal couple shagging whilst on-board (mucho staying power anywhere other than the Benelux triangle, but still....). It is good for a short diversion, and an interesting staple for law exams on the pros and cons of legal harmonisation.

However, different laws on possession are that bit more problematic. At least they seem so to me.

Even more so if it is possession of something accessed over a common network like the internet.

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

Oh, dear...

Usually I am taken to task for forgetting that Scotland has a different legal history to the rest of the UK. This time, as one reader has pointed out in e-mail, I have forgotten the rest.

The current position is that the law on extreme porn, coming into effect next Monday (26 January) will govern conduct in England, Wales and Northern Ireland:

http://www.justice.gov.uk/news/announcement261108a.htm

For the time being, you can fap to whatever floats your boat in Scotland without being subject to the same penalties.

Paris - because in future, that is where you may have to go to buy your stash.

Govt uses Obscenity Law to stuff up cartoon sex loophole

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

au revoir, Paris

And there was I thinking that this law was targeted mainly at serious porn material. Until someone mentioned "Fluide Glaciale". FFS: they are right.

I am a serious Francophile (no: look it up. That's not illegal ...yet). Whenever I am in France, I tend to re-kindle my love of Gallic literature by dropping into FNAC and joining the massed ranks of freeholders reading the "bd" (bande dessinnée") off the shelves. Because in France, cartoon is a universal medium, being used for adult plots as much as it is for childish ones.

Anyway, first thought was that the only thing illegalised would be a work of satire (or cartoon vandalism, according to taste) by Dupuy. He so had it in for the Tintin series that he produced a seriously off parody which includes depictions of Tintin sodomising snowy, the Thomson twins in bed together and Tintin engaged in some rather explicit underage activity.

Yep. Can't see that sort of parody surviving this law for a second. But then someone else reminded me of the aforementioned Fluide Glaciale. Its not porn. Its certainly not child porn. But it contains imagery that some juries would definitely consider grossly offensive, etc.

Someone somewhere might consider such to have been created for sexual purposes. And hey presto!

No more FG. No more Echo des Savanes for that matter. Or VSD. Or half a dozen mainstream cartoon titles. Because whilst they aren't intended to turn on, stimulate, whatsoever, I must now extend what one lawyer said of the extreme porn law. If you can't be sure, would you be prepared to go to jail over a coffee table book?

Nope. And I sure as hell wouldn't wish to go to jail for a cartoon either.

Merde!

Paris: cause in future only Paris will allow you to browse her wares without fear of interference from les flics.

Lords, MPs go down on to the Erotic Awards

John Ozimek

Whadya mean: "that sort of place"?

@ Brent Gardner

but...but...the Awards took place in the Marriott Hotel (Westminster). Why would that end a politician's career.

Wait a minute...formerly County Hall and home to the GLC. Ah, yes. I see what you are driving at.

P.S. zedee: are you stalking me or have we met in a former existence? If my MA (Oxon) is "out there" anywhere on the web, you can be sure that it includes a dose of extra irony. For those not up on the academic hi-jinks that particular degree represents: I have a BA, for which I worked; I also have a MA for which the primary requisite was my consuming a large - and reasonably tasty - dinner.

MA (Oxon) is not a serious degree. At least it wasn't in my day.

Apologies to any who now hold that degree if they have had to work for it.

John Ozimek

Communs Funk

@ Frank Fisher

Would that it were that easy. Actually, the comment about individual MP's not being prepared to be too outspoken when it comes to - oooer, missus! - sex, arose in talking to one of our elected representatives on a wholly different matter. Internet regulation, in fact.

I was expressing exasperation, at the time, that the quality of debate on these and associated issues was so poor - and he then offered the observation as I write it up here as a rationale for why so few were prepared to debate the subject.

So, agreed that guillotines were applied at all manner of places in respect of the extreme porn legislation. Ditto in many other places where sex gets a mention.

But...there are so many other places where the subject arises and the Commons has next to nothing to say on it.

Is the UK.gov IT gravy train heading for the buffers?

John Ozimek
Alien

Retrospective legislation

Actually, this question of retrospective legislation is one that exercised me a lot in writing the piece and one on which I sought (several) opinions from government and individual lawyers. There wasn't a single straight answer - there rarely is - but the consensus most definitely was that government COULD tear up contracts if it so wished - but to do so might not be the ideal way of negotiating.

Far more powerful might be: we've got a £100 billion IT budget for this parliament and if you want any of it, you'd better play nice now.

Spinning the war on the UK's sex trade

John Ozimek
Thumb Up

Proud to offend sexually?

Hat's off to Tim for an excellent piece. The only aspect of this ludicrous proposal that maybe deserves a little more airing is the fact that it is going to be a strict liability law. Which means the intentions of the punter won't count.

Basically, if you go with a trafficked/pimped woman, you commit an offence.

The only difference between a criminal under this law, who will face jail and entry on to the Sex Offenders' Register and an inocent person may in the end be whether a prostitute lied to them. "Oh, No: I'm not pimped...".

Brilliant. One can't help thinking that the logic of the feminazis, such as Harperson and Jacqui Smith, is that if you declare enough people to be sex offenders, you will eradicate sex crime.

I have this tiny, sneaking suspicion, that the opposite might in the end be the case. Add enough people to the SOR for totally ludicrous reasons, and after a while, the SOR becomes a joke. Certainly, if the day ever comes when people are added on the basis of what someone else told them, then the SOR will be finished.

Government pipedreams on internet ratings doomed to fail

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

French Puns

I suppose it would have been ott to explain the full significance of the title of Gainsbourg's song in the main article. The French title is a pun - "Un zeste de citron" - which translates fairly innocuously as "a dash of lemon".

Pronounce it in full-on French and "un zeste" starts to sound remarkably like "incest". The French would have got this straight away. English translators have so far failed to come up with a version that reflects this ambiguity.

Gainsbourg was well known for his rather dubious wordplay. The worst - or funniest, according to taste - incident took place in the '60's when he provided a song called "Les sucettes" for up and coming naive young thing, France Gall.

A "sucette" as every young French person would know is a "lollipop" - and Ms Gall duly went ahead and charted a hit with this song, plus a rather appalling accompanying video that included jobbing actors dressed as, um, lollipops. Shades of Lucy in the Sky....

What Ms Gall did not know, until a friend explained it to her, was that "sucette" also doubles as slang for a blow job. Literally, a "sucking off", as "sucer" means "to suck".

Legend has it that Ms Gall threw a fit and went into hiding for several weeks. It is also said that she never spoke to Serge Gainsbourg again, though that bit of the story is probably a bit, er, over-blown.

New Year's puzzler for any francophiles out there. Do the lyrics from "Je t'aime...moi non plus" actually make sense. Particularly the bizarre line: "Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins".

One can guess at what its meant to mean, but.... the literal image is really rather gross.

Paris...cause this one is about France.

Photography: Yes, you have rights

John Ozimek

English and Scottish Law

@ Tonto

Oh no it wasn't!

Confusing English and Scottish Law, that is. Having endured my baptism of fire at the hands of various stroppy Scottish readers, I do take care to check that legal references distinguish the similar but increasingly divergent legal frameworks North and South of the border. That's important for discussing issues such as obscenity and (extreme) porn.

It is equally important when it comes to issues such as photography and Breach of the Peace. The key point here is that North of the border, B of the P tends to get used very widely by Police as a catch-all for clamping down on behaviour they disapprove of. So widely, in fact, that specific campaigns exist to try to get this approach reformed.

Down South, we also have B of the P as a Common Law offence but historically have tended to restrict its use as other much more targeted laws were brought in to deal with specific offences. Earlier this year (2008) I spoke to one police officer who detailed an attempt by a UK copper to use B of the P against a photographer - which ended with the police apologising for over-stepping the mark.

It is therefore significant that Home Office Minister Vernon Coaker should remind the police nationally of the law and specifically mention B of the P. Yes: it has always been present as a theoretical charge. In practice, though, not in England.

What I was speculating, perhaps tangentially, in this story was whether there is now an appetite, south of the border, for using B of the P legislation in a more Scottish fashion.

Oh. And "behind you!".

Paris... cause I imagine most of us would like to find her behind us at times of stress.

Brit ISPs censor Wikipedia over 'child porn' album cover

John Ozimek
Boffin

A warning

I have been following the story this morning and may - editors allowing - add to it tomorrow. Be aware that under UK Law, POSSESSION of an indecent image of a child is an offence.

Your intention (research, rubber-necking, whatever) do not count.

Having spoken with the IWF, they are reasonably happy with their conclusion that this image breaches UK Law. Therefore, be very aware that downloading the page could have consequences.

I am sure I don't need to point out to the technically-minded on here that simply opening the page will probably leave a copy of the image in your cache somewhere.

Options: don't access the page. Or access it with images turned off.

Or be prepared to argue the toss before a court. A highly unlikely outcome - but maybe one that those who pay attention to NSFW categories should bear in mind.

Plod punishes PC-reliant businesses

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

Thanks to the anonymous copper...no thanks to the other ac

It is wonderful to receive input from someone on the inside, and therefore thanks to whoever provided it. Assume that this comment is also a sort of friendly extended hand saying do please get in touch directly any time, to discuss the issues on any basis you feel happy to.

A real problem with this sort of piece is the inherent defensiveness in many police Press Offices. There is an assumption that the Press are out to get them - which is sometimes true but not the default position.

From the inquiries I made around this piece, I would say that SOME police forces are better than others. A few do mis-use seizure of pc's: and in those latter cases, the results can be devastating for the suspect. But it feels, as usual, like a mix of cock-up and very occasional malice.

BTW - I don't think the Met screwed up over the lack of a warrant for the Commons. But that's another issue.

This is an area in need of regulation, as more than one parliamentarian has affirmed - but as yet, almost no-one is keeping tabs on what is going on. We are where photography was about five years back, when there were loads of complaints about police behaviour and no codification of how the police were meant to behave.

Photography has moved on: there are now police codes, and where bad things happen, it is possible to discuss them in terms of what is meant to happen. With forensics, we are not even at that point yet.

As for the ac who thinks this is a "so what" issue and bemoans the lack of research. This is not like taking a copy of a murder weapon. Rather more akin to deciding that a weapon is in a house somewhere, so declaring the house off limits to everyone for 18 months until trial.

Copies, as I understand it, are what get examined - not the originals.

The consequences for individuals can be severe. And, as I thought I reported, there just aren't any guidelines out there: no guide, no statistics. Checked with the Home Office, several Police Forces and some forensics experts.

If anyone knows different, I'd be interested.

Paris - cause into every hack's life, some gratuitous smut should fall.

A sex show of truly Olympian proportions?

John Ozimek
Paris Hilton

11th Show?

Hmmm (@Ned Fowden).

Can't exactly give chapter and verse on how products have evolved over the years: but was sufficiently concerned by fact-checking to run the show number past Erotica's Press Agency.

They weren't completely sure but thought it was the 11th show - as you say - and 3rd at Olympia, as noted. Unfortunately, we have to rely official information sources some of the time.

Paris - to make up for the general lack of visual stimulation attached to this article.

UK's 'secure' child protection database will be open to one million

John Ozimek
Boffin

Method of calculating figures

@What Rubbish

So how many GP's are there? How many teachers? How many Police?

If we were really so foolish as to just take the totals in each category and lump them together we would be being about as foolish as, well, a government spokesperson on the subject.

Official figures suggest around 190k GP's in the UK. Not all in England, so we downweighted those. And you honestly think not a single member of the Practice Admin would have access?

Despite the fact that the legislation apparently allows osteopaths to access ContactPoint we estimated that number would be nil or negligible.

Ditto chiropractors.

Midwives. 40,000. Do you think a significant proportion of THEM would have access to the system?

Police. Another 180,000 or so. We think most of them would have access - but in the absence of a government line, we can't be sure. And ACPO think a fair number of support staff would definitely have access.

Teachers. Almost 800,000. We certainly don't think all of them will have access. Only a very small proportion.

Social Workers. 80,000. We didn't include all of those either.

Now. I know what the government spin is about selected staff having access. The question really is just how selective the access is going to be and, where access is restricted, whether the two people in the office with access will be happy to have their work constantly disrupted by other staff asking them to carry out checks for them.

But please: look at the categories the legislation allows to have access. Tot them up. And then honestly say you believe the government figure of 330k.

Clue: the total number of individuals falling within the categories listed in the legislation is c. 3 million.

What makes you think that only 10% of them will have access, as opposed to a third?

Boffin, cause I'm wearing my statistician hat today.

Manuelgate's goth vampire stripper fades from MySpace

John Ozimek
Heart

Abusive messages?

@ac er, no. I most certainly am NOT saying abusive messages about Miss Baillie are ok. Or at least not as a response to her sexuality.

If you have other issues with her, then express them as you see fit.

The piece began as a slightly amused take on how people on the internet have a tendency to re-invent themselves. The clue is in the sub-head that refers to high-speed airbrushing. Miss Baillie appears to be doing it. The Mail appears to be doing it. And the Sun...well maybe they are taking a stance that is ever-so-slightly inconsistent with the stance of their sister Paper in the Max Mosley case.

What are the political leanings of the Satanic Sluts? Haven't the faintest - but might ask them that next week.

Is their use of imagery just a bit risky? Well, take a look at their site: note the copy, backdrop, typology, use of the SS initials and one or two other elements. Then make your own mind up.

One problem, of course, is that as individuals we can be attracted to a style of imagery, irrespective of its content. In a sense, that is at the heart of many censorship debates: we might enjoy certain thoughts, images, concepts; but have no intention ever to act upon them.

The censors would see things differently.

Heart - because commenting on my own pieces takes me into realms of narcissism I would have preferred to avoid.

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