* Posts by Basil Baxter

2 posts • joined 22 Aug 2008

Cops cuff anti-drug ninja vigilantes

Basil Baxter

Ninja's not that tough

Dear Vulture fans,

Basil Baxter would like to caution against giving Ninja’s undue media attention. Basil Baxter has had dealings in the past with Ninja’s and they never ended well; for the Ninja’s.

As Basil Baxter has frequently commented on his blog; there is no kick, jump or blow designed to counter a Chainsaw. (Polly would like to amend that; a ‘high quality’ chainsaw. She gets ever so jealous when Basil Baxter tests other girls.)

These two miscreants were obviously on their way to wreak havoc on Basil Baxter’s master plan to distribute narcotics to toddlers and thus lay the groundwork for world domination. All Basil Baxter can say, in their own retarded lingo; MASSIVE FAIL!

Besides, had Basil Baxter, in all his benevolence, not decided to loan Ussama Bin-Laden his SS20 nuclear missiles which where en-route to the Ninja headquarters at the time; the Ninja’s would have been less than no more. (Basil Baxter also quite regrets not disarming them at the time, anyone travelling to Pakistan is advised to bring Geiger counters.)


In any case; Basil Baxter is not an unreasonable person. He quite admires these two’s audacity and therefore has decided to bust them out. Unfortunately Basil Baxter has never had to measure Semtex quite as precisely as needed to only blow a mere hole in a wall so perhaps some causalities might ensue. Ah well, Basil Baxter feels that it is the thought that counts.

And remember: Babies stop crying if you shake them. Death comes to us all but only sometimes does it wear sunglasses.


Scientists unravel galactic spaghetti monster

Basil Baxter
Dead Vulture

There is but one One True Friend(tm)

Dear Vulture fans,

Basil Baxter Loves You.

It saddens Basil Baxter to witness this display, akin to Roman Catholics insisting they see the alleged ‘virgin’ Mary[1] in a loaf of bread, a washbasin or even the sky, or Americans claiming to have met Elvis in a public washroom where he was chatting up Boy George. It saddens Basil Baxter because it is evidently a symptom of the growing, possibly pathological, need humans feel to have a One True Friend (TM). Blinded by their passion for a noodle-creature, invisible pink horsies, dessert-dwelling pederasts and Golgotha-hill streakers they overlook the One True Friend (TM) who is always ready to lend a hand in need [2]; Basil Baxter.

It saddens Basil Baxter even further because while pederasts and streakers might actually exist or have existed in the past, the noodle-creature is most definitely no more. He was quite tasty, Basil Baxter should add.


In any case, Basil Baxter Loves You.

And remember: Vultures make great playmates for toddlers, and Black Mamba’s make great retirement gifts.

1] Basil Baxter fondly recalls the good times when she was still known as ‘Hot Tamale’ Mary. 2] Or two, or three. How many do you need?



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