* Posts by Stevie

5653 posts • joined 12 Jun 2008

'Gimme Gimme Gimme' Easter egg in man breaks automated tests at 00:30

Stevie
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Coffee/keyboard

Re: Unprofessional bollocks (4 Daggerchild)

You stupid sod!

Soup this time! Hot soup! That stuff has lumps in it for god's sake! *AND* spices!

They must've heard my screams two counties away.

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Stevie
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Re: Unprofessional bollocks

And your point is, John?

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CEO: 'Claying the ongoing continuous chaos of info into one logical masterpiece'

Stevie
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Gah!

I googled "claying" and then threw up in my desk drawer.

Your work here is done, El Reg.

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Don't sweat Brexit, big biz told: Your shiny data protection sticker will remain intact

Stevie
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Bah!

Just as the licensing rates for professional drone usage have remained stable post-vote.

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Level 5 driverless cars by 2021 can be done, say Brit industry folk

Stevie
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Re: Hmm...

Indeed so. I note there is no explanation of how to source the enormous amounts of quantonium that will be required to power this fleet of class 5 road automoata.

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Stevie
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Bah!

"so what is being proposed is at-scale deployment "

And thus does roger Zelanzy's vision become reality.

Also: "Oxbotica". Worst name for a company ever.

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Chainmail tires re-invent the wheel to get future NASA rovers rolling

Stevie
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NASA used similar tech (without the titanium) on the lunar rovers.

If we took the Titanium out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

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Stevie
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Bah!

Nitinol?

We've known about that for years.

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UK.gov 'could easily' flog 6m driver records to private firms this year

Stevie
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Bah!

Only another 335 megaquids to find.

This week.

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Car tax evasion has soared since paper discs scrapped

Stevie
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Bah!

Who, who could have predicted this entirely unexpected behaviour from the British public?

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Connected and self-driving cars are being sent to Coventry

Stevie
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Bah!

And finally I understand why the Broadgate Ring was demolished and the place made a twisty maze of one-way streets.

A plan 40 years in the making finally comes to fruition. BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!

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Dick move: Navy flyboy flings firmament phallus for flabbergasted folk

Stevie
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Bah!

Thus do semiotics cause trouble for an innocent aircrew.

I put it to the assembled court marshal that this image was not obscene, but a tribute to our WWII veterans. If one orients the image correctly and puts one's own prurient schoolboy nudge-nudge=wink-wink sense of "humor" on hold, one will see that the image is clearly that of Kilroy, also known to our brave Tommy allies as "Mr Chad", a satirical WWII-era cartoon used both by the British and the Americans to wryly comment on the shortage of various essential commodities and the unpleasantness of war.

"Wot, no toilet paper?" might for instance be found on walls when the quartermasters had done an imperfect job provisioning for a new British base of operations. "Kilroy was here" was often the caption on American efforts, to indicate that no matter how cold, wet and shell-infested a theater of operations might be, those who came before wanted to offer a friendly "chin up, fellers, we're in this mess together!" to new arrivals.

This patriotic and to my mind overdue salute to those brave men who fought to put Hitler and Tojo in their place can hardly be cause for the besmirching of the records of two fine airmen, who stand ready to defend their country and answer the call no matter the personal cost.

Defense rests.

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The Reg parts ways with imagineer and thought pathfinder Steve Bong

Stevie
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Dah!

Comrade Bong is pillar of capitalist digital world. Stories of his being colonel in Russian Security Services under deep cover are fabrications of yellow press.

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The Independent 'live streamed' space vid recorded in 2015

Stevie
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Bah!

Human error?

I think you meant to say “Intollerable network latency caused by the government’s incompetent management of British Digital Infrastructure maintenance and modernization issues. When will the British Taxpayers receive the digital service to which they entitled?”

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Help desk declared code PEBCAK and therefore refused to help!

Stevie
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" I was always polite, patient (sounding) and gave them all the information they needed in a clear fashion in the original ticket."

Meanwhile, at the bank's robo-menu:

"Enter your account number and the last four digits of your social security number"

(an eternity going through options when repeatedly hitting "0" doesn't work)

Customer Service Rep: "Can I have your account number and the last four digits of your social security number?"

(an eternity discovering that he problem needs escalating to a different department, and a subsequent internal forwarding to wait musak)

Customer Service Rep #2: "Can I have your account number and the last four digits of your social security number?"

(Repeat until urge to be polite wears off completely).

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Coming live to a warzone near you: Army Truck Driver for Xbox!

Stevie
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Bah!

By partnering with Google, Apple and Tesla, the UK could leverage it's fleet of Shackletons by making them into autonomous anti-submarine drones.

Google would supply the e-charts, Tesla the autopilot and Apple the face shape recognition.

The mighty Unmanned Shackleton would take off from HMS Sultan and roar majestically into the sky, then navigate via Norway, Iceland and the M5 to the English Channel at Nap of Earth in order to maximise the chances of glancing collisions with octogenarian cyclists and other stationary terrain features before zooming to submarine-spotting altitude and proceeding to bomb the daylights out of passing container ships, trawlers and the Isle of Wight ferry.

While over water it could also be deploying special sonarbuoys designed to play "Rule Britannia" at Volume 11 to f*ck with the Rooskie Sonarpersons, the NSA's Global Array for Innocent Whale-Related Studies And Like That Honest and any Danish Entrepreneurs that might be venturing onto the high seas for a spot of submersible murdering and dismembering.

By Jove, the thought of Britain's future robotic ASW force quite gets the old juices flowing.

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Stevie
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Bah!

"The exercise, which took place in Michigan, USA, is part of a wider British military effort to introduce autonomous and remote-controlled vehicles into battlefield resupply efforts, freeing up human soldiers to bring death and destruction to Her Majesty's enemies of the day."

The UK considers Michigan an enemy? Or is this a forward collection area for the coming push against Wisconsin in retaliation for the whole Budweiser thing?

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Uncle Sam to strap body sensors to hackers in nuke lab security study

Stevie
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Bah!

"Perhaps the top brass are hoping to install security defenses on production networks that will literally give miscreants a heart attack while attempting to break in from afar."

Been reading a little too much Neuromancer, Mr Thompson?

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Remember CompuServe forums? They're still around! Also they're about to die

Stevie
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Re: No idea what my username was...

I remember being slightly fascinated by the cultural difference in tone between Brits and Merkins in discussion groups, with the former being noticeably more polite and less inclined to robust language.

And yet the more polite set still throw around that tired old Internet Slur at the expense of those allegedly with more "robust" language.

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Stevie
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Re: CompuServe's minicomputers?

Minicomputers weren't portable.

They just didn't take up most of a room.

PDP10s were most definitely called minicomputers in the day, as were the 11s.

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How about that US isle wrecked by a hurricane, no power, comms... yes, we mean Puerto Rico

Stevie
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Bah!

What to do? Nothing!

Comms are down. It's not like they can tell anyone.

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80-year-old cyclist killed in prang with Tesla Model S

Stevie
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Bah!

Wow, such hatred for the Tesla and its driver based on nil evidence in print.

Time to balance the scales:

This old octogenarian crinkly probably forgot where he was and what he was doing or wobbled all over the road while he tried to get his pills out of his pocket or suffered a heart attack and fell in front of the Telsa.

There we go. All nice and even now.

All based on the same reported facts in evidence per the article.

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Amazon to make multiple Lord of the Rings prequel TV series

Stevie
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Bah!

Argh fuck no!

If you want dragons and politics and sex, go with a miniseries based on Dragonflight.

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UK Home Sec thinks a Minority Report-style AI will prevent people posting bad things

Stevie
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Bah!

behavioural technology that anticipates a user's actions is certainly very real, and you probably use it every day.

Like the cod that takes perfectly good worms and turns them into order words when I text?

Or the code that produces those "targeted" sidebar ads in my browser?

Because: epic fail doesn't begin to describe the results.

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Augmented reality: Like it or not, only Apple's ready for the data-vomit gush

Stevie
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Bah!

the soaring heights of Pokémon Go.

The author appears to have ingested a double dose of Hyperboleum.

And yes Virginia, they were glassholes.

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Jet packs are REAL – and inventor just broke world speed record in it

Stevie
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Re: Jet Pack?

Made the Airfix kit years ago.

I always wanted the base-mode Wallis Autogyro, stripped of all that Q crap, like the one Rock Hudson flew about Mars on in the Martian Chronicles miniseries. Looked as cool as the stripped-down Lambrettas* my mares were riding in the early 70s, but could fly!

*A pipe frame, and engine and a seat, basically. Painted in bright primary colors. These were the very antithesis of the old Mod Movers.

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Stevie
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Bah!

"Ohhhhhh, the gravity of the situation

It's only my willpower that keeps this thing in operation"

10cc. Clockwork Creep from the album Sheet Music.

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Astronomers find bizarre 'zombie supernova' that just won't die

Stevie
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Bah!

I imagine these scientists have tried the obvious?

Matching the pulsations to the rhythms or Black Sabbath's Iron Man, Hawkwind's Silver Machine and Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water?

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Uni staffer's health info blabbed in email list snafu

Stevie
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Re: UEA

My experience of Office 365 is that it is so slow and useless I'm surprised whoever it was managed to compose the email and get it out in the first place.

"Mark all as read" frequently causes the system to become unresponsive for 30 minutes or more.

"Manage rules" pops up a freaking MODAL window at every stage, including the "updating server" message, so nothing can be done while it is deciding whether to hang or not.

Slow network doesn't help, but there were serious lack of smarts at work when the client processes were being "thought" out. Thunderbird is way more civilized when it comes to not locking up the entire application with unnecessary modal wiindows.

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Stevie
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Bah!

What a great day. No problems at work, rotten weather finally clearing up, daft "no-dropbox due to no bandwidth or firewall clearance for dropbox on work net & not enough hours in day or bux in the plan to sync over my portable hotspot every day" solution to not carrying essential laptop* to and from work while I have back trouble working like a charm** and even that old Climate Scandal is blowing off my alma mater, good old UEA.

I'll just prop me feet up and fire up the laptop for some unauthorized El Reg time and - D'OH!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

* - the only way to get manuals from IBM and Oracle (work firewall rejects download attempts, as these fine establishments keep everything as zip files and The Firewall Boss knows that all evils come from zip files no matter who is peddling them, no exceptions allowed no not even IBM or Oracle now go away), search forums for solutions (FWB feels that forums are if anything one step worse than zip files as vectors of evilness and forums aren't work related and go away again) and remote link to work with useful stuff made during the day already to hand 'cos I have better editors on my laptop than on my workstation. Without this laptop and my hotspot it'd take days to solve problems I get sorted in less than an hour (when I can get a decent signal). Not to mention being able to read El Reg when I want to.

** - I bought a second refurbished laptop of the same model for under $300 and just schlep the old harddrive from home to work and back. Yes it's dumb. But it is cheaper and faster and more reliable than trying to do the cloudy thang over my hotspot.

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That awkward moment when AWS charges you BEELLIONS for Lightsail

Stevie
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Re: That said, anyone using AWS or any other provider would do well to architect their backends

"architect" is the $44 billion word for "design" then?

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Mythbuster seeks cash for roller skates to wear in virtual reality

Stevie
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Bah!

Three proofs positive I see in this article.

Proof positive that this Mythbuster idiot knows nil about science, particularly the biology of human beings. Blowing up things on TV has convinced him otherwise.

Proof positive that The Register cannot construct a headline to accurately reflect content too. The skates are to be worn in the real world while the user experiences VR. From the headline I thought we were about to be regaled by a tale of virtual skates for use in Second Life.

Proof positive that I have not enough work on my desk right now.

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Google on flooding the internet with fake news: Leave us alone, we're trying really hard... *sob*

Stevie
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Bah!

In these post-startup days, the major search players should understand they have a larger role than simply enabling confirmation bias* on a global scale.

Unless they want to stop peddling headlines, of course. If all they do is array spidered results on a homepage, I'll give them a pass. The moment they start fiddling with the list they start tearing up their pass, and when they purport to spread "news" their pass is revoked with extreme prejudice of the plum-kicking variety.

* Bias on many sides, many sides.

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Jeff Bezos sells ONE MEELLION Amazon shares, makes ONE BEELLION dollars

Stevie
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Bah!

My guess is that part of the dosh will go to establishing their own goods distribution network. I've noticed that my own "2 day delivery" stuff is beginning to show up late, and is at odds with the "track yuour package" data. My guess would be that the delivery systems are being rejiggered.

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Stevie
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I'd probably advise against building his own submarine.

Well spotted AC.

I wonder what it is about submarines that causes those in them to enter into rampaging murderous states of mind, and then to completely forget they did it.

In order to find out I decided to run an emulation. I hid in the fridge for three days wearing headphones playing monotonous "pinging" noises. While I was thus incommunicado during the experiment my entire family including our dog and the roomba were hacked to pieces by some madman who ran amok with my favorite chainsaw.

The police were their usual unhelpful selves, jumping to the most ridiculous conclusion and arresting me on trumped-up charges. I explained that the blood was from a joint of beef we bought for Friday's dinner that had dripped all over me but they wouldn't listen, citing "trace" evidence and the circumstantial bottle of chain lube oil they found in my trouser pocket.

I was unable to collate my notes and tape recordings owing to them being held in evidence. So I guess we'll never know.

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Official Secrets Act alert went off after embassy hired local tech support

Stevie
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Re: A USB drive will quite happily survive a trip through the washing machine.

I do not understand why clever young things think that getting unpowered circuit boards wet will hurt them.

Provided you take care drying them so that mineral deposits don't form between tracks there is usually no problem.

I was also once treated as a madman when I told a group of colleagues that I had washed an LP in water after finding it had been stored "carelessly" and was filthy and in danger of being scratched if a disc preener was used on it.

I decided not to tell them about the time I fixed a persistent back-skip with the careful application of a safety pin, and only had a small "pop" on one revolution afterwards. (Caravan, "Cunning Stunts", "Show of our Lives", damaged by idiots fiddling with the anti-skate and then leaving album playing unattended for an hour). But I'll tell you.

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Stevie
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Re: Many Years Ago

"Semiconductor memory only became commonly available in the mid- to late-70s."

Shenanigans!

The early 1900 series computers had (possibly germanium) transistor memory and nil cores, and they were obsolete by the mid to late 70s (despite the ravings of people who used them).

The IBM 1301 we built from scrap at school in, what, '71 had cores on barn doors. Re-read the "scrap" part.

Cores were heavy, prone to all sorts of failures if you stood too close or were elected to open the "fan" of barn doors to cool them down and were wearing too much metal. Not to mention they drank current like it was going out of fashion. We used to power up the IBM using a three-ring binder to throw the first switch on account of the fireball that would engulf your hand if you didn't, though some of that was caused by all the incandescent light bulbs inside the main console display.

Happy days. Quite prepared me for running the 1955-vintage NMR spectrometer in the basement* of the University of Climate Scandals with its Flash Gordoneque controls and orange oscilloscope display. Leaping from one side of the room to another to fiddle with this or that control that had to be far enough from the four-foot cubical magnet to not perturb the field. Lab technicians would walk in and drop a box of retort stand claws on the magnet when your spectrum was three quarters done just to be gits. Oh how we laughed.

* - The basement was of course at ground level, ground level having been redesigned as on the second floor and accessed by raised walkways at UEA. I remember the School of Environmental Science had a boat outside which would be covered in enthusiastic "crew". They would pass out when the real chemists dumped solvents down the sinks upstairs because ENV parked their boat trailer over a storm-drain in a natural dip. Oh how we laughed.

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Stevie
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Bah!

Hmm. "Scolding" does not seem adequate for the general suckage I have to put up with. I think I've been officially given sixty lashes.

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For fanbois only? Face ID is turning punters off picking up an iPhone X

Stevie
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Bah!

Also: Woken up at three in the morning by Tech Support, but can't answer phone because in-bed sleepface won't match washed-n-brushed login face. What a colossal balls-haaaaaangon a minute ...

I declare this phone great!

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Stevie
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Bah!

So even if Da Perpz won't co-operate, all the police have to do is take some footage, snap out a frame of face, print out at full size and make a quick mask for the intern to wear as they Defend Freedom.

I knew that episode of Columbo would come back to haunt us.

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Stevie
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Re: Face ID is a solution in search of a problem

Nah, I reckon it's a problem in search of a phizzog.

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Over a million Android users fooled by fake WhatsApp app in official Google Play Store

Stevie
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Bah!

Do you remember those stupid "your computer has a virus because you have been browsing adult sites. Click for free scan" pop-ups in the America On-line days?

Well I weakened and bought a smart phone. Some days into my proud ownership I started getting these antique scam pop-ups. I used malwearbytes to do a real scan but it found nothing awry.

So I began doing a bit of CSI work in Mr Brain. When did the messages first appear? What had I added to the meager family of apps I use (I don't game on it and only get what I need)? I hope to goodness it isn't the Neutron music player.

The answer? The BBC News app. I ditched that and the pop-ups went away too. Shame really. I use it on the iPad and it has been very useful.

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Donald, YOU'RE FIRED: Rogue Twitter worker quits, deletes President Trump's account

Stevie
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Re: It was previously good enough to use the traditional terms "hoax", "inaccurate", "false" etc.

But "Fake News" doesn't mean those things. It means "reported stuff that Donald Trump and those who follow his every utterance do not agree with".

In the "post truth" world of Trump, you can make facts go away by wishing it, even if you know them to be true.

The coal jobs are coming back. The wall will be paid for by Mexico. We'd all be better off if immigrants went home. {Pick your ethnic group} is demonstrably less human than my ethnic group. The sea level is not rising.

All these are easily falsifiable, but you can rest easy repeating them if you label the arguments against as "Fake News".

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39 episodes of 'CSI' used to build AI's natural language model

Stevie
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Bah!

Only problem is that now the AI has false expectation of DNA evidence lab turnaround time and will shout at real life SOCOs for slacking off.

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Black Horse Down: Lloyds Banking Group goes TITSUP*

Stevie
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Re: Johnny Cash

The association I would be nervous about is the fact that Mr Cash did time ...

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Wheels are literally falling off the MoD thanks to lack of cash

Stevie
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Re: I think Britain should dump Trident in favor of Tomahawk cruise missiles

But Trident is lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful. It is quite simply the best. And Britain should have the best. In the world of the nuclear missile it is the Saville Row suit, the Rolls Royce Corniche, the Château Lafitte 1945. It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you.

What more can I say?

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Stevie
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Bah!

"The Joint Helicopter Command has been so badly affected by shrinking defence budgets, caused in part by the large number of super-expensive projects the department is committed to, that flying hours have been slashed across the entire military fleet. Felton explicitly warned that "the risk [caused by lack of regular training] is of Controlled Flight Into Terrain" – in layman's terms, crashing into the ground."

"Effective immediately, all helicopter flights shall be confined to the airspace over oceans, seas, lakes, tarns, sloughs, ponds, reservoirs or other large bodies of water."

Job done. Next up: World Peace.

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TalkTalk glitch causing mobiles and landlines to go off at the same time

Stevie
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Re: Is it true they're thinking of renaming/rebranding themselves?

"Ringring" surely?

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Stevie
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Bah!

TalkTalk has suggested it is keen to ditch its poorly performing mobile business and concentrate on its poorly performing broadband instead.

FIFY.

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Slashing regulations literally more important than saving American lives to Donald Trump

Stevie
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Re: Can an asshole with a button make every listening car in range panic brake?

What about a "Fad T" hotcar belting past with copper HT cables and a trad dizzy/coil ignition system? Or worse, carbon cables that have had their day and are now putting out so much EMR they generate a field strong enough to support a column of oil as it pours from the can down, then horizontally, before dropping into the rocker cover through the access port.

Verified experiment done a few years back with an old mini fitted with a flip-front, btw. I was able to actually get the oil to run uphill for a few inches as I moved the can over the driver-side front roadwheel and the river of oil flowed in a shallow "N" into the running engine.

Until the oil stream became charged enough to conduct, then there was an almighty CRACK!, followed by an almighty OOYAH! and some class three Words of Power, clutching of the right hand under the left armpit and a bit of hopping around the yard hissing through clenched teeth.

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