* Posts by Ad Fundum

106 publicly visible posts • joined 8 May 2008

Mobile directory made legal threats to get personal details

Ad Fundum
Thumb Up

To opt out ...

Mosey on over to http://www.118800.co.uk/removeme/remove-me.html and follow the instructions on-screen.

One millionth English 'word' is... Web 2.0

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Joke

Hmmm

Guess there's not a lot going on at El Reg Towers this afternoon?

I mean - Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian constitute proper news but this ...

Poor management hampers gov IT

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Joke

Typo alert

Just wanted to let you know that there's a typo in this otherwise excellent article.

The title reads: "Poor management hampers gov IT"

When clearly you meant to say "Poor government hampers IT"

Gordon 'to sacky' Wacky Jacqui

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I just wanted to say

WOOP WOOP!

That's it, that's all I got. Just hoo-frickin-ray.

Net closes on NZ bank error fugitives

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Joke

Darwin awards

It's like a whole new branch of the Darwin awards, except for unbelievable stupidity associated with criminal activities. What we need is a catchy name for the awards (like 'Darwin') but deeply reminiscent of both intense single-celled stupidity and quite obviously criminal behaviour.

How about "The Jacqui Smiths"?

Microsoft backs 'Bing' with big ad push

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Joke

@ Ponder Stebbins

"Ballmer, It's Not Google" - classic!

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Here's my comment

What a shit name.

Like Joey once (almost) said in 'Friends': "It was like Bing - whoa, short shelf life!"

Yahoo! to! buy! social! networking!

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Coat

Some people just don't seem to get it, do they?

Ari Balogh says “Search the way we know it, with 10 blue links, Google has clearly won that game. Saying anything other than that is just not stating the fact." - well done. A for effort. Someone else won the game you were playing in, you acknowledged it, you moved on, kudos to you. You're welcome to marry my sister any time.

Oh, hold on a minute ...

"Yahoo! is also aiming to make many of its other services more Facebooky. The company believes it effectively already has a social networking infrastructure underlying its services and just needs to add the bells and whistles. It is adding more social features, like status updates, to its mail service shortly." - Erm, guys, Facebook are playing that game and they have it won hands down. Myspace and Bebo are playing catch-up, and what you're aiming to do is add a status upgrade to whatever shitty interface you already have and enter the pack at the back? Good luck with that.

Coming soon:

"Yahoo! to! take! on! Wal-mart! and! Tesco! at! supermarkets!"

"Yahoo! to! take! on! Flickr! for! photosharing!"

"Yahoo! to! take! on! Home Office! for! stupidity!"

etc.

Mine's the one where I left my common sense in my other jacket.

Wacky Jacqui defends Michael Savage ban

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Hang on a minute ...

Coming to the UK is a "privilege"? Are you serious? I demand the Reg hacks double-check this quote, because I can't believe that anyone feels that way about this flea-bitten shitbag corner of the North Sea.

Adblock developer offers 'please unblock me' tag to sites

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I don't want to pay for ads!

I know I'll get shouted down for being a freetard, but I don't want adverts. I pay my ISP for internet access, and I pay BT for the wires that it runs on, and I have to get a new mortgage every quarter to pay my electricity bill for the PC. Why, then, should I have to pay on all these three fronts again for web content that I actively don't want?

There are a few sites that I would happily make micro-payments to for viewing certain content, but if I ended up having to take a subscription out to view a site because they were making no advertising revenue then I would sooner curtail my internet use (and get some of my life back in the process). Would you pay, for example, to use Facebook? I certainly wouldn't. I don't mind messing about with it when it's free, but I certainly wouldn't pay to use it.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

English vocab poised to hit 1m words

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Happy

Seems wide open to corruption

Are we saying then that if I copy and paste reg-isms like "twatdangle" and "fucktard" enough times into forums like this very vehicle, we can get these words added to something official? Woop woop, let's have some of that!

twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * twatdangle * fucktard * and so on

Phorm boss blogs from a dark, dark place

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I want in!

I used their contact 'phorm' (geddit!) to ask if I could be added to the list of "Main Characters". I've always been against them and I want in! the text is included below - feel free to borrow the text and drop them a line and see if they will add you to the list of pirates:

"Hi! I'm writing to ask if I could be included in your list of "Main Characters"? I've written lots of articles and blog entries against your deep packet invasive technology, and I read The Register every day! Please add me to your list and I promise I will keep writing articles against your spying. Thanks, Darren"

UK agent leaves secret drugs info on bus

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Joke

USB Finger!

There was a story on here not long ago about some geek with no mates - sorry, I mean a Scandinavian IT worker who was careless enough to lose a finger (although I imagine he noticed, unlike the heroine of this story). He replaced the divergent digit with a false finger comtaining a USM memory stick.

I think this should be made mandatory for anyone working for the government who uses my data. Lop off a finger, replace it with a USB stick and graft it back on. Let's see you leave your finger on a train/coach/bus/tram/tube/prostitute's dressing table then, you hopeless bunch of overpaid snooping government fucktards.

Brussels to sue UK over Phorm failures

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Black Helicopters

@ Dervla

I assume you're just a Phorm disinformation stooge planted here to spread propaganda ... or else you haven't found the 'Joke Alert' icon yet.

The information upon which Brussels based their accusations is neither outdated nor uninformed. I'm not really sure what you base this opinion on. Phorm and BT openly admitted to the wiretaps retrospectively and even trotted out the fact that they took legal opinion on it; which hardly counts as disinformation 'spoonfed by the antis'. The fact that these acts took place is not disputed.

The nature of these acts, however, is wildly disputed. Anyone with a basic grasp of English knows that they were wrong and illegal, and everyone with a vested interest (or disinterest in the sake of the Police - who are they going to shoot/bash in the head if it all happens online?) is trying to obfuscate the issue by introducing irrelevancies .

Microsoft conjures imaginary 'Apple Tax'

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Linux

What a way with words

"Blogpoodle" is the new "twatdangle". Hurrah for El Reg!

Secret European project to battle online jihad

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Alert

If we remove ...

... the things they write, isn't that censorship?

I'm reasonably well-acquainted with the Hebrew Bible and in that violence is advocated against a whole bunch of people on reasonably dubious grounds. Even in the New testament the beardy wine-maker tells people to sell their clothes to be a sword. So if we censor Islam extremism on the grounds that it advocates violence, shouldn't we also do that for the Bible?

(By the way, I am a practising Christian with an Honours degree in Biblical Studies and not some anti-all-religions nutjob. Just trying to make a case for being fair across the board.)

Playboy TV offers 'Jacq off' special package

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Linux

Scat + BDSM seems most likely

I don't know the titles but I believe one 'additional feature' was scat-related, whilst the other was a BDSM title.

Which makes sense when you think about it; as Home Secretary, Smith has been shitting on us all for years whilst trying to shove a ball gag in our mouths at the same time.

Please sign the petition:

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/Sack-Ms-Smith/

Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband

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@ Mike Richards

Unfortunately The Telegraph is not being terribly specific - it's just says that those films were showing on one of the nine possible channels on the nights in question. So we haven't yet nailed down the blighter's viewing habits.

Working logically, I deduce that one of the features must have been scat-related, because shitting all over everyone is obviously a Smith family trait. I guess that the the other must have been a BDSM film - on the basis that she's been trying to thrust a ball-gag in the mouths of anyone who speaks their mind for a long time.

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Paris Hilton

Seriously though ...

And I imagine I won't be the only person to say this - but if you were married to something that like looks like a cross between a menstruating manitee and Willie Rushton, and that has all the charm, charisma and personality of a Microsoft EULA, wouldn't you be urning your hand (fnah fnah) to "One night in Paris" or "Backdoor Sluts9"?

Paris - obviously!

Wags barricade Jezza Clarkson in portable loo

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Happy

How could life get worse?

Imagine that you're a disgusting pile of shit in a cheap temporary public toilet. You lay there, covered in chemicals, steaming away in the balmy temperatures whilst people drop more shit on you. You're swimming with disease. You're the lowest of the low - life could not get any worse for you.

Then Jeremy Clarkson walks in and suddenly life's not that bad. There are far worse things you could be than a steaming, fetid pile of shit. Silently you say a prayer of thanks that you aren't Jeremy Clarkson.

Google goes long with new search pages

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I think ...

I missed a 'gag' somewhere - why do we get all the chocolate references to Google?

Aussie firewall blocks Wikileaks

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Here's a thought

Under these (bizarre) premises, could you also be fined for linking to a page which in turn links to a "bad" page?

Following the well-established "Six degrees of Kevin Bacon" legal attack, every site on the whole interweb would be legally culpable, forcing us all to disconnect from the web and return to the good old days of faxes and looking stuff up in books.

Court rules airline secret security list is stupid

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Tacitus he say:

“The more corrupt the state, the greater the number of laws”

Ad Fundum he say

"The dumber the state, the dumber the laws"

Imagine what Jacqui must be planning!

Hollywood to totally recall Total Recall

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Unhappy

The Wayans Brothers

As every role of all genders and species - that's about as much as this project deserves.

Straw slaps ban on Iraq debate docs

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Can I

Just call him a twat and leave it at that? It would make me feel everso much better.

"Twat."

Abba star slates 'lazy, stingy' Pirate Bay fans

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Paris Hilton

We're lazy?

He hasn't written a decent record in 20 years - who's the fricking lazy one?

Minister trashes ex-spook chief's liberty warning

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Surprisingly enough he's wrong

When McNutty says

" ... Wrong to suggest that had all the things we planned been passed we'd have been a police state, and wrong to suggest we have somehow stumbled towards a police state."

he's entirely wrong. We haven't stumbled towards it at all. We've been sprinting towards it at breakneck speed.

Joker must retire, insist Heath Ledger fans

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Alert

Dumb, dumb, dumb

People like this make me laugh - here's a character that has existed for what, sixty years? And someone turns in a half-decent performance and they think we should retire the character because he died? And I suppose that we should stop playing football because George Best died too?

People like this are so thick they make me spit, like the Americans who said that New Line were 'cashing in' when the called the second LotR movie "The Two Towers". Jesus, with people like this on the planet we'll never be short of people to fill McJobs.

Jacqui Smith cracks down on gangs via computers, closets

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Black Helicopters

Wacky Jacqui...

I tried to think of something witty and funny to describe the way I perceive Jacqui Smith, but I failed miserably. I apologise for this. The best I can do is, "Jesus Christ she's as thick as pig shit".

And Reg: Why don't we have little Jacqui and Gordie devil pics at the bottom of the page?

Police search another Tory MP's office

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Joke

Why so surprised?

I for one welcome our NuLabour dictatorship ...

They do what they have to do. Islington. Enfield. I've been there, I saw it all. Immigrants, Muslims, homosexuals, terrorists. Disease-ridden degenerates. They had to go. Strength through unity. Unity through faith. I'm a God-fearing Englishman and I'm goddamn proud of it!

419ers take Canadian for $150,000

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Flame

So basically

His whole family fell for it. There wasn't one person who was bright / cyncical enough to think, "fudge that, you never know what people are going to do with my money". They deserve to lose it, basically.

UFO wind turbine prang site sealed

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Black Helicopters

Challenge Churchill!

Dale Vince of Ecotricity, which operates the site, said last week: "We don't have an explanation at the moment as to what the cause was. We have been crawling all over it and have sent bits off for analysis to see if we can work out what caused it. Until we have some idea, some plausible explanation that it was not a UFO, I don't think we should rule it out."

Good luck trying to claim that one back on your insurance.

CPS denies support for überdatabase

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Black Helicopters

My friend Ian

was the one who first convinced me that everything of ours was being listened to, scanned, read etc. At first I dismissed it as the rantings of a part-time loony; after all here was a chap who locked himself out of his budget Mexican hotel room and had to walk down several flights of stairs to tell the night receptionist what he'd done - all whilst naked.

He used to insist on opening every telephone call with the gambit "president bomb Allah". It was his form of civil disobedience. "Let's make every single communciation require scanning," was his reasoning, "then the whole task will prove so massive as to be impossible to undertake." And I can't help thinking that there's something in that logic.

However, Ian does remain the only friend of mine who has had his front door machine-gunned to matchwood by the police. No conspiracy there though; the police had the wrong address and meant to blindly machine-gun the occupants of the house next door into submission.

'Kidnapped' child tracked by mobile phone and Street View

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Black Helicopters

For God's sake ...

... don't let wacky Jacqui see this story, it'll give her all sorts of unholy ideas.

Spinning the war on the UK's sex trade

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What Tacitus said is true

"The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. " - Tacitus

Private firm may run UK spy über-database

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Black Helicopters

History repeats itself

2008

"Ministers hope that putting the project into the hands of the private sector will help to reduce costs."

1989

Blackadder: It's the same plan that we used last time, and the

seventeen times before that.

Melchett: E-E-Exactly! And that is what so brilliant about it! We

will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard! Doing

precisely what we have done eighteen times before is

exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time!

Windows Live Web 2.0 facelift is go

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Gates Horns

God I hate Microsoft so very much

Went to my SkyDrive and got the following message in large, tastelessly orange letters:

"That item seems to be missing."

But because I'd read your article I was prepared for teething problems, so I thought I'd actually log in to my Hotmail.co.uk account and try again. This time the unnecessarily orange letters say:

"Your account has been closed down."

And fair enough, I was sort of expecting that too - after all I've been using SkyDrive to host bootlegs and mixtapes that I stuck on my blog. But when I went to my blog all the music files are still there to download, so clearly my account hasn't been taken offline as I was warned!

Feel free to help yourself to my bootlegs, mixtapes etc whilst they're still online, lest Microsoft work out what they're doing:

http://adfundum.wordpress.com/

BNP races to get membership list off the net

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Good luck on getting your list off the net ...

... now that it appears on Wikileaks.

El Reg seeks top net neologism

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Net neologisms?

Meh.

Orange ditches Phorm

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Thumb Up

Give me some of that ker-ching and I might consider it ...

I think, if I was honest, there are probably certain things I would hand over if I thought the deal suited me as well. For example; I wouldn't mind handing over the details of my Amazon searches if I thought I was getting some money knocked off my broadband connection by my ISP.

I mean, let's be honest; how many people have actually clicked on a sidebar ad or a splash ad, and gone on to buy something? If people want to display them, give me something in return AND my privacy is respected within the boundaries of whatever I agree with them, then fair enough.

The part that really gets my goat is that these adverts aren't improving my web experience, nor is it making my surfing any safer; it's just increasing revenues for the ISP. I have to pay to download your targetted ad, so give me a cut and be honest about it, and I'll be a lot happier.

Home Office guides plods on photography

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Flame

V for Vendetta

That's all I'm saying.

Right: Which one of you lot invented 'tw*tdangle', eh?

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Does it deserve wider use?

Sureley a word as cunning, descriptive and downright fun to say out loud as "twatdangle" deserves a wider use than simply refering to David Blaine hanging upside in NY - in fact, a much more banal term would be more fitting for him ("cockstrung", "knobstrung" sping to mind) leaving "twatdangle" free to refer to something much more fun and be more widely used.

How about "twatdangle: to leave someone who is unworthy or a response waiting; to fail to return a call, text, email or subpoena depsite promising to."

http://adfundum.wordpress.com

Brits are Europe's biggest gadget buyers - official

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Unhappy

Well duh!

Of course we spent more than anyone else - everything costs more here!

Saatchi to promote foreigners' ID cards

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MyLifeMyID

I enjoyed playing on the whole My Life My ID site. It was so badly done, so hopelessly one-sided, it was laughable. I registered as a user just so I could post on it for a laugh. If you haven't had a look at this propoganda site, you really should.

How Chrome puts the skids under Nokia

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I'm sticking with Firefox too

I don't understand how come so many people are having problems with Firefox. I had a couple of crashes on launch day but after wiping clean the add-ons and starting from scratch, it's been fine since.

The really big plus for me is the ability to wipe out all those annoying adverts - not something I see Google subscribing to.

UK.gov loses 29 million personal records

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Stop

That's half the people...

...in the country who have now had their details thrown to the wind by the incompetent bunch of chuffwits. I wonder if we'll see quite the same level of delinquency when it comes to counting votes in the next general election?

Still, it could be worse. That awful Clarkson fellow could be in charge for a start.

Downing Street rejects 'Clarkson for PM' petition

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Pirate

That's 49,447 people ...

... who should never have been allowed to vote in the first place.

If ever there was a good reason to start "thinning out the numbers" as South Park's Uncle Jimbo once so delightfully put it, then surely this was it.

Thales wins first UK ID card contract

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If it's Thales, it won't work.

I spent several years in the electronics industry working for a Thales contractor. I can say, from first-hand experience, that nothing that Thales ever does works properly, is delivered on time, is delivered within budget, or is even supplied with the correct paperwork.

Their procedures are long-winded and ineffective, the staff operate strictly to a CYA policy and no-one within a million miles of a Thales logo will make a decision more complex than choosing something from a vending machine.

The scheme, as the country, is doomed.

Street-savvy Microsoft tries to pop the pimply face of piracy

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Gates Horns

The average middle-aged parent wouldn't know the difference ...

... between iTunes, Limewire, the BBC website and the control panel for JCB's latest cement mixer (with optional iPod connector and BlueTooth voice control). How do we expect them to police what the kids are doing online? I've seen adults that are constantly amazed that when they move the 'mouse thingy', the 'pointy thing' on the screen moves at the same time! They're not likely to turn round and chastise the kids for using P2P file-sharing.

Jacqui Smith kick-starts yoof ID debate site, site kick stops

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Black Helicopters

Favourite post

My favourite post has to be the one about Pete Comley - Minister of Propaganda at Virtual Surveys aand chief mouthpiece for the government's "If you've done nothing wrong you've nothing to hide" line that he spins on every forum he moderates.

Some wag has found Minister Comley's Facebook page and noted that it's marked as Private, which is very funny - worried about who can see your data are you, Pete?

"But's he's smart enough to limit access to his Facebook profile: http://www.facebook.com/friends/?id=581083834"