* Posts by Mark Lockwood

75 posts • joined 8 Aug 2006

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Dell intros restyled biz laptops

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FAIL

Biz?

Anyone who orders a business laptop in beige needs a good talking to with a cattle prod

Vote, vote, vote for Barbie the computer engineer

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Coat

No need for a title

Surely we need a BOFH Barbie, complete with cattle prod

Fifty Strikes and… we'll tell your Mum

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The problem with Lib Dem election promises

Is that they are more like election dreams.

They may as well say they'll give each voter a free unicorn once they get elected for all the good it will do them.

The return of the Psion-sized PC

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Go

That's not a Psion rip off

It's a Toshiba Libretto. Takes me back to the 90's though. Happy days

http://www.squit.co.uk/computers/photos/libretto.jpg

Designers detail the cars of 2030

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FAIL

Oi, Car Designers

Where's my flying car? And where's my flying car icon gone?

Melting ice sheets create new carbon sink, say boffins

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Boffin

Universial Scientific Measures

Good to see that we are still using Wales as the size of things as it is clearly a convenient measure. But how many times will 12.8 megatonnes of carbon fit into Wembley stadium, and how many Routemaster buses will create such an amount. Inquisitive minds demand to know

UK telly in coke blizzard shock

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Troll

It's clearly a new phenomenon

This never went on 20 years ago. Things like Jamie and his Magic Torch and Chorlton and the Wheelies were obviously created by someone with a sober head

Wikileaks publishes BNP 'member list' (again)

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Badgers

Shamlessly stolen from The Now Show

Showing national distaste for the BNP is getting us now where, no body likes them and they don't care and all that.

What we need to do is all join the BNP, vote Sir Trevor McDonald in as leader and change their name to something silly like Badgers, Not Potatoes.

That'd shut them up

Italian Job sat nav driver cops £900 fine

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Flame

This doesn't surprise me

He's a BMW driver. I have it on good authority that the next versions of the 5 series will come without an indicator control, as they are never used in the current models

T-Orange: How it's going to work

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FAIL

37% of the market

Unless they pay some serious bungs, there's not a snowballs chance that this will get through the Monopoly & Merger Commission.

Slow news day

Labour calls for free Wi-Fi on trains

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Troll

Innovative Ideas

I have one for them. How about a clean, reliable service that doesn't cost the earth.

Until then, I'll stick to the car, thanks

Lightning-gun tech 'approaching weaponisation'

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Boffin

I hear SkyNet calling

Linking this to the "Scientists ponder rules and ethics of robo helpers" story - http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/08/20/royal_academy_of_engineering_autonomous_systems_report_09/ - once our new metallic friends work out that we have a ray gun that will render them inoperable, isn't it just possible they will see us as a threat, and develop human-destroying machines to protect themselves.

Sounds a worryingly familiar scenario

US women protest for the right to bare

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And where

Is the Friday Playmobil coverage of this?

Scientists ponder rules and ethics of robo helpers

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Terminator

20 seconds to comply

Wasn't this the basis for the plot of Robocop?

Aussie Sex Party bursts upon political stage

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Joke

@Mike

You don't want them, you'll go blind....

El Reg to launch space paper plane

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Go

Name

How about "Where's My Flying Car"

Cameron condemns Tweeters as tw*ts

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Happy

@ElNumbre

ElNumbre, there is a massive difference between Twitter and ElReg comments. Here on the comments page, it's not my time I'm wasting, it's my company's :)

Kingston's thumb drive is tiny Tardis

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Joke

@TeeCee

I used to dream of having a 256Mb stick...

BT brings jobs back from India

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Badgers

Cash & Carrion

Can we request a "My job came back from India, but due to the economic climate, I'm retraining as a plasterer" T shirt please

BOFH: A spot of bother

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Grenade

Grrr

You owe my company ANOTHER new keyboard

An American Werewolf returns to London

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FAIL

Slaughtered Lamb

Guaranteed this will be moved to become a trendy wine bar fill of bowler hatted blokes in Barnsley.

Never mind Jenny Agutter, where will they get a car that can go from London to the Moors faster than the original MG?

Remember the Alamo...

Summer debut for Judge Dredd computer smart-rifle

Mark Lockwood Silver badge
Joke

ntended to let soldiers shoot at and hit enemies hiding around corners?

Great, now you don't even have to be in the line of sight to be hit by friendly-fire...

Will CA's stringent roadmap come back to haunt it?

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Coat

To be fair

If you have to use Arcserve, you're already very unlucky. It being version 13 probably won't make your life any worse

Mine's the one with the DLT drive parts in the pockets.

BBC botnet investigation turns hacks into hackers

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Coat

Points of View

Why oh why oh why must the BBC continually change my computer background. Surly they have more important things to do, like send a load of Z Listers half way round the world to climb a hill or something

Sofia Dark Knight Englundh protests footie chant slur

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Joke

Danish?

The lady doth protest too much, methinks

Intel dubs 2009 'The Year of 10Gb Ethernet'

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Coat

Huh?

I thought it was the year of the Ox?

Can you pass me the one with the spring rolls in the pocket, ta

Brit nuke subs exposed on Google Earth

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Black Helicopters

Not only are these available on Google Earth

... but any would be terrorists could get the information for an Ordnance Survey Map and a London A to Z, and could do for the past 30 years or so.

For the love of God, will someone please think of our children, and children's children.

That is all.

Ryanair may charge cattle to use the bog

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Flame

Bah

So not only do I have to pay for their God-awful food, I now have to pay to get rid of it?

I paid 99p for this ticket, give me the respect I deserve....

BOFH: Aspie no questions

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IT Angle

Aspergers

It's nice to have a name to this horrible affliction

Brit, French nuke subs collide - fail to 'see' each other

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Black Helicopters

This reminds me of

The old urban myth of the US Battleship and the lighthouse - http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors/l/lighthouseandaircraftcarrier.htm

Nice to see that Entente Cordial is still holding strong

Brits find accommodation a little uncomfortable

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Coat

I think we should fight against these spelling fascists

Follow me, comrades, dyslexic IT workers of the world untie

Competition regulator kyboshes Project Kangaroo

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Thumb Down

Precedent

I recall being told a story about how some Scottish students came up with the idea of an "online bookshop" back in the days of Netscape and dial-up 'tinternet.

They built a front end, and asked various governing bodies to help with funding. They were told it would be against competition law and would be unfair to physical bookshops.

Then some American's registered the domain Amazon.com....

Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them

Father of Playmobil dies at 79

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When and where?

I would like to request a full reconstruction of the funeral.

That is all

TV's digital dividend could be superfast broadband

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High speed wireless data services

That sounds like just what I would want

Unfortunately, prefixing it with BT means I won't

Librarians redubbed 'audience development officers'

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Coat

Ooook

Mines the one with orange hair on it....

Firm touts bendy, wearable OLED screen

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Boffin

Ergonomic design

Wow, that circuit board wrist strap looks so comfortable....

Attack of the quarter-ton, 'fridge-sized' killer jellyfish

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I for one

would like to welcome our new, tentacle clad overlords.

Atari promises it won't suck this time

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Old school

Forget Star Trek, we want Dungeon Master updated properly.

Mobe firm gives birth to pair of kid tracking phones

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Coat

I'm not afraid of Bill Ray

Mobe? I thought we'd banished that word. I suppose you wrote that article on your lappy....

Mines the one with the Nelly the Elephant logo on the lapels

Beatles game is go

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Coat

Peace and love

What's the secret button combo to refuse to sign the high score leader board. Inquisitive minds have a right to know...

Touchscreen robo-pharmacist calls for more CCTV snooping

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Coat

Ladies smellies?

In Streatham?

Have the local bobbies questioned Naomi Campbell?

Vodafone emboldened by Orange's BlackBerry Bold woes

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Joke

Amazing?

"That in this day and age a phone can be released to market that actually just doesn't work is amazing"

Really?

Virgin Media network downed by scouse power outage

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Power outages

We've had outages in our Birmingham, Abingdon and Glasgow offices today. Has someone at the National Grid run out of 50p's?

Holy f**k, Microsoft covers up ‘undesired’ words

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Gates Horns

Undesired words?

Goggle

Apple

Anti-trust commission

Feel free to add to the list....

Apple to 'ditch' Intel for Nvidia in standard MacBooks

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Jobs Horns

Mac Hackers

Presumerbly this story is linked with this - http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/10/10/graphics_card_wireless_hacking/

US boffins: Laptops will be as hot as the Sun by 2030

Mark Lockwood Silver badge
Flame

If your laptop's running that hot

Your fan's broken

David Blaine tw*tdangle ends in controversy

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I wonder why he doesn't do his cunning stunts in the UK any more...

It still makes me smile, the image of the burger van positioned directly under him for 44 days. Genius

LHC downed until after Xmas - Boo

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Boffin

In a quote from the boffins...

They said, "There have been speculations that the Universe is not in its most stable configuration, and that perturbations caused by the LHC could tip it into a more stable state, called a vacuum bubble, in which we could not exist, unless one of the magnets goes titsup, in which case you can wave Mont Blanc goodbye"

China to combine four ships to form space station

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Music

What they need is some catchy music for the live stream of the initial launch and dock. I wonder if Brian May and Eddie Van Halen are available - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjijteu0gcQ

US military offered flying hover car bike

Mark Lockwood Silver badge
Alien

Rebrand

Just call it a speeder and be done with it.

Oh, and where's my flying car icon?

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